Many, if not most dumpees dream of hugging and kissing their ex-girlfriend after they’ve been broken up with. It’s a natural human response to want that which we can’t have. It just so happens that sex is also one of those cravings people get addicted to. I
In this article, we will discuss the benefits and disadvantages of having sex with your ex-girlfriend and discern when it’s “okay” to have sex with your ex.
What does it mean for your relationship?
If you’re one of those “fortunate dumpees” and you somehow got involved with your ex again, you’re probably wondering if having sex with your ex-girlfriend is a good idea. Whenever two former partners get entangled in this way, the relationship unofficially changes to a no strings attached relationship.
Furthermore, The ex-couple engages in sex only to get the benefits of the sexual activity and not for the fulfillment of a romantic relationship. They don’t participate in sex to bond, express love, or give to each other.
Ordinarily, when two people completely lose hope and have no expectations of each other in regard to living a shared life, sex becomes a take-take scenario. Both the dumpee and the dumper become “physically invested” in their sexual relationship—in contrast to the emotional investment couples develop.
Can having sex with your ex-girlfriend make her love you?
Jim Pfaus, a professor of psychology at Concordia said. “You can have the desire for sex without love.” There are also numerous studies that show men are more likely to develop these one-sided feelings.
Once a person no longer feels emotionally invested, it can be tricky to re-ignite the lost romance. Consider the no strings attached relationship an equivalent to the friend zone. Once you’re there and you want more, begging and crying is not going to solve anything. The only way to get out of it is with the sheer power of confidence.
Just because the relationship with your ex is no longer of romantic nature, it can—and often does, turn into more than that. The simple explanation for that is emotions. Human beings have bonded through sex for generations and generations.
The reason why sex helps us bond is because it releases the love hormone—oxytocin in our brains. This biologically-wired euphoric feeling is released in greater amounts in women’s brains than it is in men’s. This also means that females receive more pleasure than males—especially when they climax.
Because sex stimulates the body and the mind, the aftereffect it has on us is incredibly relaxing. Our brains are immediately assured with comfort and security, giving us happiness.
Even in the movies, this peaceful after-sex time is often portrayed as a cuddling and grateful moment. Even in reality, it’s pretty similar as it allows couples to bond and appreciate each other.
Because emotions during sex are that much greater for women, it can make your ex love you again. Here’s something to consider. Have you ever said “I love you” to your partner during sex? During sex, did you ever want to tell her that because you felt “so good?” Chances are you did—or wanted to at least. When you manage to have sex with your ex-girlfriend, she could also think similar thoughts during sex.
Even if you get friend-zoned or rejected in some brutal way after the breakup, emotions are flying all over the place during intercourse, which means sex could be your key to winning her heart back.
When should you avoid having sex?
Apart from sexually transmitted diseases and other health-endangering hazards to take into consideration, getting it on with your ex-girlfriend really depends on your motives. If you consider the previously mentioned biological triggers (oxytocin, happiness, relaxing feelings), having sex with your ex-girlfriend could be dangerous.
If you’re still madly in love with your ex and you want her more than ever, imagine just how much you will want her when you’ve had sex with her and she doesn’t take it a step further with you.
Just because she invites you to sleep with her, doesn’t necessarily mean she wants to get back together the moment you “finish performing”. It’s definitely a good sign, but not the only sign you need.
When you have high expectations of her and you wish to use sex as a gateway to get back together, you must be prepared to get emotionally hurt afterward.
Dumpers are not very fond of neediness, such as asking to get back together and questioning your status with your girlfriend. If you’re going to go down this route, wait for your ex to express the wish to take it further.
If you manage to have sex with your ex-girlfriend once, she could still be far from wanting to get back together. She likely thought about her actions after sex and quickly dismissed them. Deep inside, she knows it has to be her who brings up the idea of getting back together.
Using sex to your advantage
As you already know, having sex with your ex-girlfriend can achieve various things. It can help her create powerful emotions toward you and help you get back together. Many relationships start the other way around by having sex first and developing attraction second.
Yours can also work the same way—under the condition that you eliminate all relationship killers and resolve the issues that got you broken up with in the first place. If you don’t do this right, you’re only going to breakup again and delay your recovery time. You can avoid heartbreak the second time by making things right on your first try.
You want to have sex with your ex-girlfriend but she doesn’t
It takes time to get over a breakup. If you try to have sex with your ex too soon, she will sense your neediness a mile away and reject your offer. Just as begging doesn’t work to get your ex back, the same goes for exuding weakness when you want to have sex with your ex-girlfriend.
Doing so puts you in a “beggar position,” and you know how beggars get treated. They get told false promises, ignored, and rejected. They also make people feel uncomfortable. Beggars don’t get treated fairly and neither will you if you resort to begging.
Ex-girlfriend rejected sex
If she rejected you once and you feel down, stop asking your ex-girlfriend to have sex with you. The more you ask and annoy her, the less she is going to want to do it. Instead of pestering her, act as if you aren’t affected by her rejection and have fun around her.
I have conducted a survey with over 10 women dumpers and guess what most of them said it would take to give their ex-boyfriends “another chance.” Confidence, humor, high self-esteem, and personal improvement. These things don’t come easy and they certainly don’t come overnight.
Proving change to a person who spent months or years subliminally observing your words and actions can be the most difficult task. If your ex-girlfriend is angry, powered by relief, disappointment, and has no attraction toward you, know that you are embarking on mission impossible.
The mission to get your ex-girlfriend to have sex with you takes time to complete. Just as your ex’s perception of you kept changing gradually prior to the breakup, it will also change very slowly after the breakup.
Please note that your ex has to be open-minded and believe you’re capable of evolving. If she lives in her own tiny world and doesn’t give much thought to her surroundings, chances are she will stay this way for a very long time—maybe forever.
The only belief I would like to impose on you is that you don’t want to wait for a person who doesn’t think highly of you. Doing that would limit your personal growth and keep you in the “hope zone,” whilst praying your ex’s view would one day broaden.
Remember, you’re not responsible for your ex’s thoughts and beliefs—especially not toward you.
How long does it take to have sex with your ex-girlfriend?
It can take one day or it can take forever. It usually depends on how you view yourself and the confidence you exhibit. If sex with your ex-girlfriend is something you desperately need, then you might not have such an easy time “convincing” her.
Your chances will significantly increase when you have no expectations of your ex. In this way, you will be able to act naturally and be your best self around your ex-girlfriend and her friends. “Stopping your need” to have sex with your ex-girlfriend will definitely be much easier if you date others and have the “abundance mindset.”
As long as she is your only priority in life, closing the curtains in your ex’s room is going to oppose a big problem. Not only does she not deserve to be your number 1, but you also need other things that give your life purpose. This includes hobbies, socializing, family, etc.
It could take you very long before you actually have sex with your ex-girlfriend. The best way to get to the last stage is by not giving it much attention. Honestly, there is no better tip I anyone can give you.
Consider getting in bed with your ex-girlfriend a final exam. The more nervous you are and the better you want to do, the more rookie mistakes you will likely make.
What if your ex is having sex with others?
If she’s having sex and not seeing anyone seriously, then she might be open to a no-strings-attached relationship with you. As painful as this can be to you, there’s nothing you can say and do that will make her want to be exclusive with you.
If you try to tell her that her actions make you sad, she will bounce harder toward her new candidates. Earlier we discussed what insecure behavior does to your ex-girlfriend. The same applies to when your ex is having sex with other guys.
If you keep hanging out and focus on increasing the connection by having a good time around her, then she might express the desire to want to have a good time.
The sign that your ex wants to have sex with you might be verbal or non-verbal and it’s up to you to get the hint. Don’t worry if you miss a subtle sign that she wants to have sex with you. More signs will likely follow soon after.
Have you had sex with your ex-girlfriend or do you badly want to? Please leave a comment just below the article.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan,
Your content has been really helpful these last few days. My ex and I have recently broken up for the 3rd time, first time I remain detached because I was leaving town anyway due to rocky times between us, thus was sort of mutual though it did surprise me how she said it bluntly as it was sort of assumed, but we ended up continuing on and off long distance and got back together when I returned 4 months later. After another 4 months she didn’t feel we were strong enough to come with me on a trip for work (she still lives with her parents at 24 yrs old which has been a point of contention) and I ended things because of her unwillingness to follow my lead for a short adventure, but then found out it was pretty mutual, and while it seemed I went through the usual dumper phases so did she but with less pain and disfunction (this felt like my first real breakup since a very messy marriage 4 years prior). A psychic she trusts told her she made the right choice and would meet ‘the one’ in the spring (supposed to be this month). We sort of got back together when I returned in 4 more months, she was much more detached but in a hot and cold way, often very deeply in love and felt as good as ever but totally unwilling to commit (i foolishly pressed her alot on this and blamed our issues on it). I had given away a lot of my power by saying I realized I wanted to be with her long term while she said she’d been happy (odd co-dumper dynamics). I planned to give her space these last 2 months in case her prophecied new bf came through but we still ended up sexually involved a lot, a sort of last hurraw for her that felt like a last chance for me to win her over/prove myself, sort of subconciously and I didn’t realize thats how I felt until later. I had booked a ticket to leave town to make it easier on both of us and I’ve been more emotional and needy than i would have expected as it sank in just how much she’d let go, even though at times she would act as relationshipy as ever, at least during sex. The last few meetings we thought would be our last for at least 6 months and it came across how little she really cared and had just been getting the best of both worlds while playing me, and I let it show how much it hurt. My travel plans fell through so I’m still here and practicing NC finally but shes still been checking up on me and even tried to come over one night but I didn’t respond. She showed up to get her coat from my place and looked very attracted and like she wanted to hug me but was restraining herself but I kept my distance and was polite but a bit on the cold side. I have a hard time not showing my pain, and especially faking hapiness after already letting my emotions slip in front of her, as this breakup felt like the culination of all three and acceptance that I’m actually losing her set in. I still feel like based on history there’s a decent chance of her getting reattached, especially if she doesnt meet mr. prophecy, but I don’t know if I want to keep dragging this out as I’m going to be gone for 6 months anyway in a few weeks.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far, hopefully you enjoy these stories and this seems like an interesting one.
Hi Adam.
I know you want your ex back, but keep in mind that you’ve broken up 3 times already. Each time you gave it another chance, she was less willing to make things work. If she comes back again, the chances of the relationship working out will be even lower. For that reason, you must focus on detachment rather than reattraction. Unless something significant changes, she’s not going to change her ways, Adam.
Stay in no contact and see if she changes her mind. If she does, work on things together. If she doesn’t or seems hesitant, continue moving on.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. Her reasoning made no sense, except that she thought that we needed to grow and couldn’t do it together. I did not handle it well, and I’m sure that made her withdraw from me. In hindsight, I realize that she was emotionally drained and couldn’t possibly offer anything to me. We still live together, and we still share a bed, which has made things very difficult to practice no contact. At first we were arguing a lot, she couldn’t stand my moodiness. Fortunately, our communication has improved a great deal. So this month, I took the initiative to work on myself. I’m getting out of the house, doing things I love, connecting with friends, spending quality time with just our daughter. Al things have improved my mood and outlook.
Well, a couple days ago, my ex and I hung out. We played a game that led us to opening up about how we felt about each other and the relationship. She explained that she was adamant in being alone right now, but seemed that she wasn’t sure about continuing a future without me. We both drank 2 beers over the course of the evening. There were no harsh feelings, we actually had a great time, but I ended up going to bed before she did. When she came to lay down, it woke me up, and I grabbed her and pulled her close to me. Things happened. The next day, it wasn’t weird. I was gone before she woke up because I had things to do, but she seemed happy to see my face when I came home. I gave her a random hug and she hugged back deeply. Her body language showed every sign of being into me.
I feel that by continuing to do things for myself (I spent most of our relationship doing things for my family instead of getting in touch with me), our outlook on whatever kind of relationship we will have has improved. I know that you don’t know either of us, but is no contact a wise solution in this instance?
Hi Eldivino.
It seems that your ex is still receptive to you. She likes being intimate with you and needs to see you change and grow. I suggest you stay in contact, but still respect her space. If she returns to her usual self, you can slowly get closer to her.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey,
Greetings from Kenya.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend, about two months ago. We’ve been dating for for 2 years.
Reasons why we broke up was that she said I was too manipulative and both of us needed Professional Counseling. Am still undergoing therapy which has made me identify my mistakes and am glad have improved.
Am also a student and I have invited her for my graduation next year overseas and she still looks forward to this.
Last week, I booked a 10 day Christmas holiday for us without consulting her. I only shared the air ticket with her. She got mad but later agreed to go with me.
I still love this girl and will do anything to get back together. Will also try not to act desperate.
My question is, having this holiday with her, then inviting her overseas for a period of 6 months, will it make her change her mind and get back with me? Of course our sex life was good and we might engage in sex . what are the chances of getting back together after sex?
Jerry
Hi Zan,
It has been 8 months since we broke up (dated for 3 years.) She needed space because she was tired of my inability to make her my priority. (I have been in therapy for 7 months and have come a very long way and have learned how to not to let my EGO rule my thoughts and actions. I am a completely diff person now.) Contact was initiated by me 3 months ago, began slow, and this past 2 weeks has been every other day and even daily with her reaching out first 75% of the time. Last night she called me and told me to come over (she had been drinking with friends) and she was very clear in letting me know the only thing she was looking for was sex. I went to her house, we hooked up, but I decided not to go all the way with sex, because I’ve read articles where being used for sex by your ex can make you seem desperate and not respected. However, I just learned from your article that SEX WITH AN EX is different for girls than it is with guys, due to their higher release of OXYTOCIN. Do I have sex with her next time she asks so she can be comfortable in knowing that we can hang out casually with no pressure of getting back together?
Warm regards,
Alex
Hey Alex, what did you specifically work on for making your girl a priority and not let your ego tule your thoughts?
I’m kind of in the same boat but I can’t afford therapy due to quarantine and would love some outside knowledge to apply myself.
I have sex with my ex girlfriend multiple times and yes I knew I need it and I thought it would somehow help me get over her but I was wrong it didn’t help me at all, now a days I am focusing on my current girlfriend my love Saumya, and I will get her into my bad as soon as she has date with me. I will fuck her silly so I can forget all my ex girlfriends.
I have sex with my ex girlfriend multiple times and yes I knew I wasn’t the only one and I thought it would somehow help me get over her but I was wrong it didn’t help me at all
Gross, bro. You’re okay with sloppy seconds like that?
Hi Zan,
Could this work with exboyfriends?
If it only happened once, I know the progress of no contact has been lost but it is possible to recover the progress one has done so far?
Thanks
Hello. My ex and I broke up in January but continued talking and tried getting back together with no success. She said she’s not ready for a relationship and wants to live her life with no stress and she doesn’t want anyone. She was a virgin when we broke up and she said she wouldn’t sleep with anyone but we recently spoke and she still said she doesn’t want a relationship although she still loves me so much and sometimes misses me but she is just sexually attracted to me so she initiated sex which I firstly declined but ended up giving in and I found out that she’s not a virgin anymore. She said that she slept with her ex while drunk and the guy took advantage because she was drunk so the guy kept pushing and she never wants to speak about this because it’s hurtful. I’m not sure if this is true because girls lie a lot and so I asked more questions like who else did she do anything with while drunk and we ended up fighting and she took offense from my reaction saying that she thought I knew her but I’m making her a slut. I tried talking to her after that and she was angry so after giving her space she called asking what do I wanna talk about and I told her to meet me in person but she says she’s still angry so I’m need to wait till she feels like seeing me. I just said okay.
What I want to know is that, can sex change her mind about me? Is it even a good idea? Is she worth getting back?
Hi Jerry.
If she’s worth getting back with is for you to decide.
But if you keep having sex and don’t push for commitment, then perhaps her feelings for you will grow. It’s not a guarantee, of course. It depends on her mentality as well as on how well you present yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Miguel
Rhode Island:Me and ex just broke up two days ago in my case i usually ask for closure to be certain about the exact day of the break up…24 hours after the break up she starts to drop hints that she Loves me even goes as far is to flirt with me when I dropped to pick up my things she starts following me on social media…in some of her messages she reminds me theres still love there but not relationship…when I asked her to have sex with me she agrees to it…now my thing is i know how to have no strings attached sex. She doesn’t now she even ask for sex twice a week for two days…mentions that she would rather gain her sex drive with then with a complete stranger whatever that means…no i have alot of confidence in my sex drive to do so…now for a woman who says she doesn’t want to meet anyone else or have sex with a stranger how would this work to my advantage to get her back for good
Hi Miguel.
Staying casual with her could help her redevelop her feelings for you.
Just don’t lose your emotional self-control.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey
I and my ex broke up for three days and we’re back together again just for one month after we gonna break up again and come back together again in September but I wanna have sex with her to change her mind obviously I don’t know if it’s gonna work changing her mind and start having feeling for me.
Hi Joshua.
You want her back, but, unfortunately, reconciliation mainly depends on her mentality. If she doesn’t want you near, she won’t let you near. Period.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hey,
NC worked a charm in the first month after the breakup. She reached out, we talked, things were going great. We even ended up having sex (might not have been the wisest move) but afterwards she said she still “needs more time”. I’ve been back in NC for around 3 weeks now but she hasn’t reached out to me again, and I’m concerned that maybe she’s moving on. Thoughts? Am I in trouble here?
Hi Andrew.
Sorry for my late reply.
Kindly let me know whether your situation has improved.
Best regards,
Zan