Breakups hurt whether you are the dumpee or the dumper. Although many dumpers tend to be happy right after the breakup, there are still some that aren’t. People doing the ugly deed sometimes regret breaking up with the person they love and run back for comfort and safety. Here are 15 reasons why breakups hurt even when you wanted it more than ever.
1)You haven’t detached yet
The most obvious reason why breakups hurt when you wanted to break up is because you aren’t over your ex yet. You loved your ex for some time and you grew attached. When you were in a relationship with this person, you appreciated his or her affection. You felt grateful for the way your ex makes you feel and took it for granted. Once the bond was severed, you felt as if you disconnected from a power outlet. The source of happiness, validation, love, romance, intimacy was cut off completely, leaving your emotional needs unmet.
2)You hit a snag
Dumpees aren’t the only ones who can experience difficulties post-breakup. Life is full of unpredictabilities and it’s possible you hit a wall. Whether you encountered an obstacle, a challenge in life, had high expectations of someone, dreams and ambitions didn’t come true, or anything bad, something unfortunate happened to you. Now that you feel down, depressed or disappointed, you likely compare your life to the times when everything seemed better. You had your ex’s love and care, and you never imagined you could feel worse again.
When people face difficulties, they will think about their best times and experience powerful nostalgic reminders. These reminders have a much greater impact when a person is feeling weak and vulnerable. This is one of the biggest incentives why exes come back and the reason why your breakup hurts even when you wanted it.
3)You’re playing with power
Because relationships are a huge power play and you tried to gain control over your ex, it’s possible you used the push-pull technique and ended the relationship with him or her. Perhaps you subconsciously wanted your ex to chase you, apologize and tell you that you were right about an argument or a disagreement. In doing so, you wanted to feel valuable, desirable, and feel appreciated for the person you are.
To show your ex who’s boss, all you had to do was to break up and wait for him or her to increase your significance. You likely waited and waited, and nothing happened. The plan didn’t go as you expected and backfired on you. Since your ex isn’t fueling your power right now, your validation is at stake. As a result of this, your ego took a huge hit, making you feel pain.
4)Instant regret
Oftentimes breakups occur in the heat of the moment. One person says something bad, the other reciprocates and someone initiates the breakup. People do this for the sake of proving a point, seeking power, devaluing the other person and gaining more control. Threatening to break up is very destructive because the more you do it, the more the other person will detach and think less of you. Over time, it loses its effect and people break up for good.
When someone threatens or suggests to break up, sooner rather than later, the breakup will happen. It’s one of those things you should never say unless you’re 100% certain it’s what you want. So when you tell your ex you believe you should break up and he or she may think it’s for the best, you are going to instantly regret your decision.
5)Envy
Scientists say happiness is contagious. This means that when your ex is happy after the breakup and you find out, it’s a huge blow to the ego. You’re the one who should be happy and your ex should be grieving over you is what you’re likely thinking to yourself. Seeing your ex pining over you would give you some sort of reassurance. Unfortunately, you aren’t getting any of that because he or she seems to be in no-contact. Your ex is healing and moving on after the breakup and you aren’t completely happy with that.
6)Loneliness & depression
Separating from a romantic partner means breaking certain patterns. Since you no longer share activities, friends and other things with this person, you now have more time to yourself. Perhaps you had plans to date others but it didn’t turn out that great. Maybe your friends are busy and you have no choice but to think of things to do on your own.
It has been proven countless times that loneliness causes severe depression. This is very common with the elderly and people with a very small social circle.
If you’re stuck at home, wondering what to do, start a bucket list and get amazing things done. Do things you always wanted to but had no time to do.
Depression may feel like you want to just stay in your bed and watch Netflix all day. If you do that, getting over the breakup is going to take much longer than it has to.
7)Nostalgia
As you walk in the city and you look around, everything seems to remind you of your ex. The restaurants you ate at, the shops you bought from, the bars, clubs and every corner of every place sends nostalgic shivers down your spine.
If nostalgic places make you feel sad, it’s a big sign you’re not over your ex yet. To avoid feeling hurt and nostalgic, change the scenery for a few weeks. Go hiking, camping, fishing, swimming, traveling or anywhere away from home.
8)You saw it coming
If you saw your ex distant, disinterested and you saw the breakup coming, it’s possible you had “no choice” but to end it. You didn’t really want to break up—you just wanted things to improve. Your ex, on the other hand, had spent days or weeks detaching from you and started looking for the right time to deliver the finishing blow. Because you could smell the breakup was upon you, you quickly thought you could make your ex care about you more if you break up with him or her first. You pretended like you wanted it to happen and expected your ex to chase you.
Since your ex simply agreed with the breakup, it hurt you more. Comprehending how easily your ex accepted the breakup wasn’t easy to do. You wanted to avoid feeling grief by pulling the trigger first. Instead, your ex’s lack of care blew up in your face—causing unbelievable pain.
9)Jealousy
Similar to envy, jealousy is a powerful emotion. It often brings people together when they’re dating and even more often, breaks them apart.
According to psychologytoday, jealousy involves feelings such as anger, fear of abandonment, rage. It normally occurs when a person is feeling threatened by a third party and begins to doubt in his or her own abilities and overall value.
Feeling jealous might be out of your control when you are in a relationship. Expressing it, on the other hand, is a big sign of insecurity and a huge relationship killer.
Just how feeling jealous in a relationship is destructive, it can also work against you in the breakup world. The reason for that is because couples bond emotionally and like to “own” each other. We believe that once a person is in a relationship with us, he or she will always be with us.
Regrettably, a premature separation does not get rid of those beliefs and usually takes a very long time to get over. As long as you get jealous about who your ex dates, the truth is that you still possess feelings for this person. And when you have feelings towards your ex, you’re likely to get hurt—even if you wanted to break up.
10)Trash-talking
Dumpees’ common self-defense mechanism is to talk and vent about the breakup. They will often talk to their friends about everything that bothered them in their last relationship and try to make themselves feel better. Because you probably shared a social circle of mutual friends with your ex, the things he or she is now saying are probably coming back to you. If your ex is talking negatively about you, your friends make sure to relay that information to you. They tell you your ex has been telling them your bad habits, personal issues and everything you don’t want them to know.
If you suspect your ex is acting vindictive, the best thing you can do is to ignore all provocations. Rumors will eventually subside and be forgotten. There is absolutely no need to make things worse by thinking you must try to protect yourself. The bigger person will always ignore petty arguments and appear as a trustworthy individual.
11)Stalking
If you’re stalking your ex and expecting to see something you like, it’s time you think twice before you open that FaceBook page. Seeing what you’re missing out on is only going to make you sad—especially if your ex seems to be living a new life. Any kind of positive information about your ex is likely going to prolong your recovery process by making you feel sad.
12)You got blocked
When a dumpee blocks you, it’s normally out of self-protection. He or she wishes to protect the heart and move on quickly and efficiently. On a positive note, your ex is making things easier for you by preventing unnecessary further communication. Time after the breakup is the time to heal and improve—and not to act as if nothing happened.
Most people get unblocked, regardless of whether they get dumped or did the dumping themselves. Wait for your ex to be over you before you attempt to get back on talking terms. As long as you stay blocked, your ex is not ready to be your friend.
13)Your ex doesn’t want to be friends
Don’t take it personally when your ex isn’t up for conversations. It would be difficult to stay in touch immediately after the breakup—both for you and your ex. Show respect to your ex and see whether he or she wants to be friends in the future.
It can feel horrible to go from being intimate to complete strangers in one day. The quick transition is impossible to prepare for—and that’s why the breakup hurts so badly.
Unfortunately, you can’t expect to be best buddies with your ex—especially if the breakup wasn’t very peaceful.
14)Reminders
Keeping reminders of your ex can be detrimental to your health. Gifts, pictures, letters, jewelry can constantly remind you of him and her and bring back unwanted memories and emotions.
Instead of keeping things that remind you of your ex, put them in a box and push it in some locker in the basement. Make sure it stays far out of your reach to prevent yourself from accidentally seeing them.
15)You’re not busy enough
It takes time to fully process the breakup. This is true even if you wanted it. The best way to start getting over your ex is to become incredibly busy with old and new activities. Getting busy is the best therapy, as it keeps your mind off your ex and puts it on yourself. The more time you spend thinking about your ex-girlfriend or your ex-boyfriend, the longer it’s going to take for the pain to ease.
Breakups hurt so much because of the emotional connection you had with your ex. They will hurt whether you are the dumpee or the dumper, so do what the dumpees do—GET BUSY. Go out with friends more, spend time with your family and do something you really love.
Time will heal all wounds. It always has and it always will. Unfortunately, pain is the ugly side of the breakups and most of us have to go through it. Right now, it may seem difficult to stop obsessing about your ex and his or her new partner, but it won’t be like this forever. You will feel better every day and eventually, your breakup will cease hurting altogether.
Does your breakup hurt even though you are the one who broke up with your ex? Please leave your comment below.
Hey There,
Id like to keep my name anonymous, but im 28 yrs old. I read this article and thought it was very relatable to my situation. Im currently in a mental rut and need some guidance.
I started dating a girl much younger than me, she was 21 i was 27. We both very knew to relationships. 3 months in i began feeling extreme anxiety and fear towards the relationship, mainly because she was not as vulnerable and open as i would’ve liked her to be. i realise now it takes time for some people. especially women.
Although on the other hand, we would cuddle for a while in my car after out dates, so i recognise she did have a sensitive side. Im a very emotional, lovey guy who loves affection. I found she wasn’t affectionate enough for me. she was kind of dry and had serious case of resting bitch face. Unintentionally she made me feel like my time with her wasn’t being valued when we were together for the most part.
Im second guessing myself now as the dumper because, i only gave it 4 months before i ended things. I wasn’t extremely attracted to her and her personality, Or at least what she had showed me of it in the 4 months we were dating.
Its been over 6 months since we broke up and im still struggling to get over it and be content in my day to day because we did have some good times and shes the first girl i connected emotionally too on some level… Im struggling to be optimistic about finding someone else and i dont know what to do. i find myself depressed and thinking about her constantly. she really faught for the relationship, the breakup wasn’t mutual. i knew i had to end things in the moment because we had certain differences that i wasn’t ready to change at the time, and the fact that she wasn’t okay with them made me feel uncomfortable.
I know ive grown since the time weve been apart. My issue is that i keep thinking i didnt give it enough time. i screwed up because i was scared. I fear im a self saboteur. But the other half of me is saying to just let i go and move on. Be positive about the future and learn from this.
please help.
kindley
Have you read all the other articles on here? They all point to the dumper being the one to reach out and break NC, not the dumpee. Shoot her a friendly message and take it from there. As a recent dumpee I’m still clinging to the hope he’ll come back, but I’m taking the advice from Zan and waiting for him to reach out first. She may have made changes to herself in the time you’ve been apart too. But there’s only one way to find out.
I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do.
Hello, am a recent dumpee, well about 6 months now. What if the dumper was a very strong headed, mean and arrogant person who doesn’t give a crap of his girlfriend when he seems to have lost love for her and don’t care about her anymore, does he (dumper) ever feel any of the above emotions described here? Inorderwords, what if he is a very tough minded person who is ready to move on from the woman that was there for him while he never was there for the woman and just ready to move on to other women, do they have any sort of guilt or emotions? Do you know please??? Really love to know.
Hi Zan
Another great article and it helps my ego knowing that my dumper ex may feel some or all of the above and feel a bit of pain.
I know we had a good relationship and really loved each other but through our ‘attachment styles’ of an anxious and avoidant types, me being anxious, every time we grew closer together, she would become scared and create distance.
Through NC, its been 3 months now, Ive seen our relationship in a completely different light.
I can see my anxious reactions and understand them and know I need to work on these, which I will but I can also see her avoidant reactions and Ive come to accept, there’s nothing I can do about that. Thats her shit to accept and do something about and I wondered whether I should reach out and tell her, but NC is for me and Ive accepted not to because she’s stubborn and she thinks theres nothing wrong with her.
Its brought me a lot of peace knowing that this kind of attachment will never work. Its helped me to accept the break up and not take it personally.
NC has really helped me and I am on the road to becoming ‘my best version of myself’ and your articles have really helped.
Its not my job to fix her, that’s her job and I guess I do hope she realises through the hurt explained above that it gives her clarity about our relationship that she decided to end, and perhaps seeks or finds the info about attachment styles and works on herself.
Maybe in the future she’ll reach out and we can talk about this but only if I feel its in my best interest.
Knowing that our anxious/avoidant relationship didn’t stand a chance has given me closure and Im really excited about my future and thats partially down to your website, articles and videos so …..
THANK YOU ZAN
Hi David. Thanks for commenting.
It’s great to hear that time in NC has made you realize many things and see the past relationship from a different perspective.
There’s nothing for you to achieve by reaching out to your ex first. As you say, it’s not up to you to fix her. It’s also not your responsibility to tell your ex everything you’ve learned after the breakup. She won’t care anyway. Instead, keep it all to yourself and carry it into your next relationship. If she’s too stubborn to realize her mistakes and acknowledge you as an equal, then perhaps the breakup isn’t such a bad thing?
I hope you heal real soon and meet a woman who will treasure you and be willing to work on relationship issues.
Best,
Zan