Most people encounter a phantom ex at least once in their lives. This happens when they ignore the need to heal and try to move on without addressing their core issues. Oftentimes, they try to replace their ex by prematurely entering into a new romantic relationship. At first, they seem to enjoy their new partner and the distraction he or she provides.
After all, a new relationship empowers them and gives their life direction and meaning.
But when they get to know the new person and stop being infatuated with him or her, things quickly take a turn for the worse. They realize that they don’t feel as fulfilled as they wanted/used to and that their ex’s ghost has come back to haunt them.
This “ghost” prevents them from loving themselves, forgiving themselves, accepting the breakup and their new lives, focusing on themselves or someone else, and getting rid of the notion that they’ll never find happiness without their ex.
A phantom ex is, therefore, a mixture of unmet needs, feelings, and expectations created by the dumper’s abandonment and behavior. It’s developed with the help of the dumper’s sudden loss of feelings and the dumpee’s inability to see the dumper from a clear/emotionless perspective.
Typically, the more sudden the breakup and the worse the dumper acts, the more damage he or she causes to the dumpee’s self-esteem and the higher the chance that the dumpee will struggle to let go of the dumper for months or years. Not only will the dumpee live in the past and engage in obsessive thinking, but he or she will also be overly self-critical.
Instead of forgiving himself for making relationship and breakup mistakes and holding the dumper accountable, the dumpee will consider himself fully responsible and suffer because of it. The dumpee will constantly put himself down and consider himself unworthy of his ex’s love and commitment.
This is why it’s necessary to understand where a phantom ex comes from. Most dumpees deal with a phantom ex because they’re attached and shocked rather than because their ex is the best person they’ve ever met. They consider their ex their savior, so they put him on a pedestal and give their ex their remaining power.
By doing so, they continue to rely on their ex for moving on and stay hooked on their ex even if they get involved with someone else. Their beliefs basically tell them that only their ex can make them happy and that they need their ex’s validation to get what they need from life. This kind of thinking keeps them attached to their ex and makes them compare their ex to new romantic partners.
Unknowingly, they look for a replacement for their ex rather than an improvement, so they fail to establish a unique and meaningful connection. Because they don’t connect, they eventually grow tired of their new partner, rebound, and miss their ex even more.
If you’re dealing with a phantom ex, you’re not entirely over your ex yet. You still pine over your ex and crave your ex’s recognition because you haven’t disconnected from your ex and reconnected with yourself yet. You need more time to change your perception of your ex and yourself.
Once you’ve done that, you’ll open your heart to new possibilities and stop thinking about your ex all the time.
So keep in mind that your phantom ex was created both by your and your ex’s decisions and behavior. Your ex wounded you and made you fend for yourself. But because you lacked the tools to gain control of your emotions, you idolized your ex and inflated his or her importance.
By doing so, you ensured your ex would stay in your mind long after the breakup.
It’s okay to miss your ex and want to be with your ex. Most dumpees want their ex to regret leaving/mistreating them and return to them. Despite that, your top priority, while you’re hurting, should be to stay away from your ex and let space and time heal your wounds. You shouldn’t attempt to heal your wounds by reconciling with your ex.
Although your ex can help you feel better, he or she can also make you feel much worse.
If you put your ex in charge of your healing, you’ll pin your hopes on your ex and risk getting rejected again. Rejection will then reset your healing and extend your dependence on your ex.
As a dumpee, you should do your very best to get your ex out of your head. You should prioritize yourself and those who value you. By doing so, you’ll stop wanting to impress your ex and learn to live life independently of your ex. This could make your ex notice your newfound strength and happiness, and cause your ex to be curious or envious.
How your ex feels about you depends on the damage you and the breakup have caused and how your ex’s new life goes.
If it goes well, your ex probably won’t become nostalgic and regretful. Your ex will focus on the present moment and avoid reflecting on the past. But if your ex isn’t successful and happy, then chances are your ex will think back and search for backup plans.
You could become your ex’s main backup plan if you handle the breakup well and show that you value yourself.
In today’s article, we talk about phantom exes and how you can deal with them.
Do all exes encounter a phantom ex?
The majority of dumpees are forced to deal with a phantom ex. That’s because most dumpers have feelings and high expectations of their ex. They want their ex to fall back in love with them and return to invest in the relationship. Since they need their ex to make them happy, they experience difficulties relying on themselves for happiness and stability.
They see their ex as the only person who can take their unhappiness away and give their life meaning.
So rest assured that most dumpers struggle to detach and move on from their ex. Even though they know their ex doesn’t deserve them, they feel invalidated by their ex and think, dream, and obsess about their ex. Their ex causes them so much pain that they fall into depression and need their ex to get out of it.
As long as they’re depressed, they hold on to their ex and expect their ex to pull them out of their misery.
For dumpees not to be obsessed with their ex, they mustn’t have any feelings for their ex. They must feel detached and want the breakup as much or nearly as much as their ex. The less they desire, respect, and need their ex, the less they miss their ex and want to get back together.
Since most dumpees feel rejected and hurt, they connect their pain with their ex’s departure and have a good reason to get back with their ex.
A phantom ex can haunt dumpees for a very long time. Typically, dumpees obsess over their ex for 3 – 6 months. But they can stay obsessed for years if they refuse to follow the rules of no contact and keep pestering their ex. If they beg and plead and do other desperate and disrespectful things, they tend to bring negative reactions out of their ex and see how little their ex cares about them.
That reopens their breakup wounds and increases their longings for affection and security.
Don’t forget that dumpees and dumpers are both responsible for the dumpee’s post-breakup pain, traumas, and recovery. If one of them refuses to consider the other person’s feelings, he or she may disrespect the other person and provoke an instinctive reaction.
An instinctual response includes hurting the other person and further damaging their relationship.
The dumpee and the dumper must know how to behave after the breakup. They must know that they’re not friends and that acting too friendly could result in false hope, guilt, shame, or anger.
Dumpees and dumpers are somewhere between friends and strangers. Keeping this in mind can help them avoid expecting each other to fulfill wishes they aren’t ready to meet.
Having said that, here are some things that cause dumpees to encounter a phantom ex.
How to get rid of a phantom ex?
Although your ex could help you feel respected and needed and ease your self-blame and anxiety, your ex isn’t a reliable person anymore. He or she stopped being one the moment he or she broke up with you and asked for space. If you ask your ex for help when all your ex wants is to self-prioritize and avoid you like the plague, your ex will feel overwhelmed by your expectation to ease your suffering.
And when your ex feels overwhelmed, chances are he or she will feel misunderstood or disrespected and ignore or push you away. Whatever your ex does, your ex will probably hurt you and make you regret going to him or her for help.
The only time you should reach out to your ex for explanations, closure, or help is if your ex encourages you to reach out when you’re struggling to cope with the breakup. Of course, some exes have no intention of helping anyone but themselves and say this only to sound caring.
You’ll want to stay away from them and consider them cowards. Tell them that you appreciate their time and that you’ll be focusing on yourself for a while. While you’re doing that, you don’t want to receive any texts, calls, or letters unless they’re about kids, shared finances, or other important matters unique to your relationship.
Your ex needs to know that you’re done interacting and doing unproductive things.
It will take some time to recover and get a phantom ex out of your head because you’ll need to understand that you can live a joyous life even without your ex. To understand this, you’ll need to start no contact and stay committed to it until your ex loses his or her importance in your eyes, stops influencing your decisions and feelings, and shows that everyone is replaceable.
Including the person you loved with all your heart and wanted to stay with long-term.
You must also learn as much as you can about breakups so that you know how to respond to breadcrumbs when/if your ex reaches out and wants something insignificant from you. Something like friendship, support, personal belongings, sex, etc. Failure to respond confidently and decisively could lead to unnecessary false hope and pain.
For now, you’ll have to get used to the ghost of your ex following you around. Try not to pay any attention to it. If you ignore it and focus on yourself and others, you’ll slowly stop fantasizing about your ex, regretting your mistakes, and hoping for a different outcome. You’ll decrease your attachment to your ex and see that your ex no longer matters.
Your ex matters only now that you’re hurt and dependent on your ex for healing. Once you stop craving your ex’s recognition and rely on yourself for happiness, your ex’s ghost will stop accompanying you and affecting your relationships with people.
I urge you to restore your connection with yourself before you try to get close to other people. If you date too soon, you won’t only rebound, but also waste your self-improvement time. Use this time to get to know yourself and make some healthy improvements. Don’t waste it by chasing your ex and showing no regard for his or her feelings and your recovery.
Your ex won’t find your desperation attractive, and neither will you when you recover.
So tolerate your phantom ex for now while taking the necessary steps to move on and discover your own purpose. Eventually, your ex will stop haunting you and let you prioritize people and things that make a difference in your life.
Are you currently dealing with a phantom ex? When do you think, dream, and obsess about your ex the most? We’d love to hear your story, so share it in the comments section below.
However, if you’d like to confide in us and search for solutions together, reach out to us directly. We offer personalized coaching services tailored to your needs.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
