No Contact After Breaking Up

Whether you got broken up with or did the breaking up yourself, you have to give your ex some space after the breakup. You have to distance yourself from your ex and let your ex heal in ways he or she needs to heal.

A dumpee ex needs to accept the breakup, detach, improve self-love, and find purpose outside of the abandoned relationship whereas a dumper ex must self-prioritize, stop feeling overprioritized by the dumpee, and do the things he or she wants to do. 

Both the dumpee and the dumper must stay away from each other and learn to live without each other. By relying on themselves for happiness, they can regain their identities and process negative emotions in the quickest way possible.

If they don’t do no contact and keep interacting with each other, they could overstep each other’s boundaries and make each other feel emotions they shouldn’t feel. Dumpers could feel pressured, guilt-tripped, and angry whereas dumpees could feel hopeful, anxious, stressed, and unloved.

Therefore, no contact after breaking up is a must. It can save ex-couples a ton of stress, pain, and overthinking. It can prevent them from giving each other what they don’t want and enable them to move on from each other.

Technically, dumpers don’t need to move on. They moved on when they initiated the breakup. But they still need to be left alone to get the space they want and enjoy the life they want. Dumpers must have the freedom to think, feel, and do as they please.

It’s why they initiated the breakup.

If they feel trapped, they usually respond impulsively and hurt their heartbroken ex.

So if you broke up not too long ago and you feel that you’re not getting what you want or need, bear in mind that no contact after breaking up is essential.

No contact will help you stay in control (or regain control) of your thoughts and emotions and motivate you to invest in things that need investing.

It will also help you see your ex realistically for the person he or she is (if you’re a dumpee) or prevent you from attaching more negativity to your ex’s persona (if you’re a dumper).

Either way, no contact can’t hurt your growth, detachment, and happiness. It can only make them better because it teaches you how to live independently. 

Sadly, some dumpees and dumpers don’t believe in no contact. They think they can keep their ex close to them and be happy. They want to have the cake and eat it too, so they continue to interact with their ex and expect their ex to want the same things as them.

Sometimes, their ex wants the same things, but most of the time, their ex doesn’t. He or she has different goals and expectations and feels smothered or unheard. That’s why he or she expresses unmet wants and needs and hurts the other person. 

Dumpees often expect their ex to help them cope with the breakup. They want their ex to care about their feelings and think about the relationship he or she left behind.

They think their ex hasn’t given them a fair chance and that they can do much better than they did in the relationship.

Such dumpees don’t understand that the breakup isn’t about them. It especially isn’t about the people they’ve become or will become as a result of the breakup but rather about the people they presented themselves as.

If their ex perceived them as liars, for example, they can’t change their ex’s perception through communication (apologies, begging, professing love). They can only take accountability for their actions and back off.

That’s how they can let their ex think, feel, and do what he or she wants and preserve their worth as people and partners. Dumpers need to feel free and in charge of their thoughts.

They need to make their own conclusions and decisions, including decisions about breaking up and getting back together. No one should try to change their mind just because they don’t agree with it.

Especially not their ex.

If their ex stays close to them and tries to get back with them, dumpers feel disrespected and push their ex away by force. They show their ex they don’t like feeling pressured and that they aren’t ready for another romantic relationship.

Some dumpers are ready for friendship, but only some. Most dumpers cut their ex off completely and focus on their newfound freedom and happiness.

Dumpees, on the other hand, often try to hold on to hope and feel in control of the breakup. They feel anxious and want their ex to ease their suffering. They don’t understand or want to understand (due to denial) that their ex needs space and time to process the breakup and figure out if friendship or relationship is something he or she wants.

All dumpees know is that they’re in pain and that they must do something to ease their pain. The quickest way for them to do that is to establish communication, impress their ex, and get back together.

In this post, we discuss why it’s important to start no contact after breaking up and what you can expect if you don’t do no contact or decide to break no contact.

Why is no contact after breaking up necessary?

No contact is not something I came up with. It came into existence when dumpees first realized they couldn’t change their ex-partner’s thoughts and feelings. Back then, it had a different name (or didn’t have a name at all), but dumpees knew they had to give their ex-partner space and focus on themselves. 

Today, there are many types of no contacts. There’s the 1-week no contact rule, 14-day no contact rule, 30-day no contact rule, 2/3-month NC, and my personal favorite, the indefinite no contact rule.

These rules all aim to give the dumper total freedom and control of his or her life and prevent the dumper from feeling smothered, annoyed, and resentful. The only difference between these rules is the duration for which they are intended to be followed.

From my observations, the shorter the no contact rule is the less of an impact it has on the dumper and the bigger the fraud the person advocating is. I won’t mention any names, but some fake breakup coaches want dumpees to feel hopeful.

They want them to think the fate of their broken relationship lies in their hands and that they must start following their advice before their ex moves on and gets into a new relationship with someone else.

They want to make dumpees think they’re incapable of thinking for themselves and that they need their professional expertise to reattract their ex and live happily ever after.

In reality, they need to learn who’s trying to benefit from their pain and desperation and follow the advice that they don’t want to hear but need to hear. 

On the internet, things that sound too good to be true usually aren’t true. No one will give you a free iPhone/vacation, a life-changing free seminar, a high-paying work-from-home job, inheritance/insurance money, a way to enhance your romantic/sexual life, or a chance to attract your ex back with love spells. 

The internet can be a very dark place when it comes to money. It enables crooks to sell ex-back solutions under the guise of wanting to help. Unfortunately, search engines don’t care about who has the most authentic advice.

Quite frankly, they can’t tell good from bad, so they continue to let anyone share things that give tons of hope and aren’t true.

Luckily, people are getting more and more educated, so they know a scam when they see one. But many people still fall for it because they feel anxious and want their pain to stop.

If you feel tempted to do limited no contact and reach out to your ex, you need to know that your ex won’t like it, nor respect it. Your ex will see that you still have romantic expectations and feel bad for hurting you.

Guilt could then cause your ex to feel irritated, defend him/herself, and push you away by force. This means your ex could hurt you again and delay your suffering. 

Hence, no contact after the breakup is required. You need to start no contact immediately after the breakup and let your ex be free.

You need to stay away from your ex whether you’re a dumpee or a dumper. Don’t message or call your ex if you miss your ex romantically as a dumpee or in a friendly way as a dumper. 

Always remember that your reach out will negatively affect your ex and/or you. The more breakup mistakes you make, the worse you and your ex will feel, and the bigger the chance that you’ll make even more mistakes.

So convince yourself that no contact after breaking up is the best way forward. It’s the best way to disconnect from your ex and regain your rationality.

You will probably heal even if you don’t follow no contact, but it will take significantly longer than if you cut your ex off, get busy, and find your purpose and zest for life. That’s because you’ll keep obsessing over your ex, focusing on the past rather than the present, getting hope, and resetting your healing.

Every time you interact with your ex, you’ll obtain information that you analyze and need some time to process. Of course, every person processes breakup information and emotions differently, but if the breakup happened recently and hurt you badly, you can expect to need a few days to regain control of your emotions and feel better.

Fortunately, you can avoid unnecessary setbacks by going no contact with your ex and staying in no contact. No contact requires blind faith and dedication. Without willpower, you shouldn’t expect to stay committed to no contact and healing.

You should expect emotional setbacks and tons of problems.

If you choose to believe hope-giving breakup experts and/or give in to separation anxiety and fear, you won’t just cause yourself to suffer, but also reduce the chances of making your ex respect you and think about you in a positive light.

You’ll show your ex you don’t respect yourself and his or her decision to leave and be free. This will, in turn, reduce your romantic value and make it hard for your ex to change his or her perception of you.

So whether you’re trying to get back with your ex or move on from your ex, keep in mind that no contact will help you. It will return your lost power and self-worth and make you happy again. It’s only a matter of time.

With that said, here’s why you should do no contact after breaking up. 

If you don’t do no contact and reach out to your ex, hoping to get back together, you’ll probably overwhelm your ex and see how your ex treats exes who don’t leave them alone.

You’ll see a side of your ex that you’d never known before, which could be difficult for you to accept and not to take personally.

How long should no contact be after the breakup?

Although every situation is different, no contact should be indefinite. It should last for as long as you’re recovering from the breakup and waiting for your ex to change his or her opinion and feelings.

You shouldn’t break no contact and contact your ex first unless you have something important to discuss. This includes topics about mortgages, shared finances, belongings, or kids.

So if you need your ex to discuss something that interests him or her as well as you, reach out and get it done. The sooner you resolve the issue or issues, the quicker you can resume no contact.

But in general, no contact must last until you lose romantic feelings and feel ready to be friends with your ex. You must find a way to deal with your emotions without your ex’s help and let your ex do what he or she wants.

It’s not easy to rely on yourself after the breakup and leave your ex alone, but it’s absolutely necessary. Your ex must have as much time as he or she needs to self-prioritize and be happy. You mustn’t try to stop your ex from enjoying life and moving on.

If you try to meddle with your ex’s life, you’ll prove you’re keeping a close eye on your ex and that you’re not capable of letting go.

So if you’re going to do no contact, start with a couple of weeks of no contact. Then, extend it to 30 days. After that, change it to indefinite no contact and stay away from your ex until you feel better and/or don’t want your ex back romantically.

As a dumpee, your task is to keep yourself busy until your feelings or your ex’s love changes.

Are you convinced that no contact is essential after breaking up? Do you know any other methods for regaining your happiness? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

And if you’d like to talk to us about the effects of no contact, visit our coaching page to learn how to get in touch.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.