My Ex Won’t Give Me My Stuff Back!

If your ex won’t give you your stuff back, your ex is obviously being difficult on purpose. He or she either stopped caring about you and wants to avoid you like the plague to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions or is making your life difficult for you to hurt you and dictate the breakup flow.

Before you get angry and do something you’ll regret when all of this is over, you must understand that most dumpers feel suffocated by their ex and want the breakup to unfold their way.

They think they’ve suffered and compromised too much throughout the relationship and that it’s time they get their lost power and respect back. The easiest way for them to do that is to simply enjoy the liberating breakup emotions and let their ex wonder if he or she will ever get his or her belongings back.

Knowing that their ex has to wait gives them a sense of control and power they longed for a very long time.

Some dumpers enjoy confusing or hurting dumpees and delaying giving them their stuff back whereas others just want to avoid interacting with their ex altogether. They feel so uncomfortable at the thought of seeing their ex and speaking about relationship/breakup matters that they put off the exchange of belongings for as long as they feel overwhelmed.

And most dumpers feel overwhelmed for AT LEAST a month. It depends on their coping mechanisms and the things they do and tell themselves. If they convince themselves they’ve been victimized, they may keep their ex’s belongings for quite some time (probably until they start feeling guilty).

You see, dumpers go through the 5 dumper breakup stages and need to feel ready to communicate again before they can contact their ex about unfinished business or even about random things. It needs to be on their terms otherwise they feel that their ex once again gets to control things and acquire what he or she wants.

By setting the pace, dumpers can essentially obtain justice and find peace of mind.

If you’re hurt and want your ex back very badly, don’t think that your ex is keeping your stuff because your ex is leaving the door open and considering reconnecting with you. Dumpers don’t plan ahead. They feel too smothered and unhappy with their ex to think about a relationship they abandoned and lost the will to fight for.

We could say that they make emotional decisions and focus only on the present moment. If they can’t think about the things they want to think about, they feel forced to feel unwanted emotions and may react poorly because of them.

Dumpers can be extremely impatient, selfish, uncaring, or even mean and vengeful after the breakup. They don’t want to revisit the past, so they often ignore dumpees, take ages to reply, reply coldly, accuse them of various things, use sarcasm, and show them their worst (but real) side.

To dumpees, they change into completely different people. People they never got a chance to be because the relationship was filled with mutual love and respect. That changed only because of the breakup as feelings became one-sided.

I suppose that’s what breakups do. They introduce us to our exes’ worst characteristics as we get to see how our ex-partner responds to pressure, suffocation, resentment/anger, contempt, and poor perception of us. It’d be nice if we could get to know people’s personalities in reverse – by getting to know their bad side first.

By getting to see their flaws, we’d learn if our partner’s character is tolerable and compatible with ours and if there’s any point in pursuing the relationship. But then again, if we saw all the bad things in people, we probably wouldn’t get attracted to them and see a reason to get to know them better in the first place.

We wouldn’t get attached and would make overly rational decisions.

Today’s post is for dumpees who have problems getting their personal belongings back from their ex.

My ex won’t give me my stuff back

If your ex won’t give you your stuff back, know that there are a few different methods you can try before you contact the authorities and force your ex to return your belongings.

You probably have feelings for your ex and still want to resolve things the nice way – through communication. That’s okay. I encourage you to avoid doing anything that hurts your ex and kills too much reconciliation hope too quickly. Your ex will be even more hesitant to return your stuff (or get back with you) if you get angry and aggressive.

Fury won’t scare your ex into submission, but rather make your ex more defensive and reluctant to return your belongings.

So instead of threatening or forcing your ex to return your things, try informing your ex you’d like to get your things back. Your ex needs to know that you want your stuff back and that you want them sooner rather than later.

Don’t make it seem like you’re desperate to get your stuff back, though because that could make it even more interesting for your ex to hold onto your stuff (some dumpers enjoy tormenting their ex). Just state that you want to collect your stuff (or exchange stuff if you have any of your ex’s belongings) and propose a time that suits you (and hopefully your ex as well).

Your ex will then give you your stuff back, refuse to do it, propose a better location and time, or ignore you. After you’ve asked for your stuff back, you should then give your ex a week or two to return your things before you move on to other, more escalatory methods.

Before we discuss what they are, I would like to advise you to contact your ex about your stuff only if you stopped talking to your ex recently and/or have a lot of (expensive/irreplaceable) things that you need back urgently. If your ex has your toothbrush and phone charger, you probably don’t need to break the silence just for that.

You should count your losses instead, replace your lost belongings, stay in no contact, and continue to heal and grow. If you already got closure (or don’t need it), not speaking with your ex will help you process the breakup at the fastest rate possible, considering the circumstances.

I encourage you to consider taking this path.

However, if your belongings are essential to you or if the breakup just occurred, then you should try to get things over with as quickly as possible. The sooner you get your stuff back, the quicker you can stop interacting with your ex (or forget about your ex) and eliminate the possibility that your ex may be considering getting back with you.

Therefore, either try to get your stuff back quickly or choose a different method that doesn’t delay healing.

Why won’t my ex give me my stuff back?

If your ex won’t give you your stuff back and you can’t fathom why, the very first thing you need to understand is that your ex isn’t too busy, tired, lazy, ill, scared, or incapable of trusting you enough to exchange belongings.

Your ex is purposely prolonging the exchange of possessions because doing so empowers your ex or allows your ex to think only about himself or herself.

Since your ex has a choice, your ex would rather not put himself or herself in a situation that can bring back unwanted thoughts and feelings and trap him or her. For now, your ex wants lots of space and time to avoid dealing with things that cause “unnecessary” pressure and resentment.

Some things that pressure your ex and make your ex uncomfortable are:

• talking about the relationship, breakup, or his/her responsibilities
• seeing you in person and thinking about what you’ll say and do
• imagining being with you again
• remembering how he/she felt toward the end of the relationship
• being forced into doing what you want him/her to do

Anything that smothers, guilt-trips, annoys, and makes your ex use energy on a non-existent relationship forces your ex to feel uncomfortable and lose interest and feelings. Keep that in mind so that you can give your ex enough time to process things at a comfortable speed.

What you must understand is that your ex knows about your personal belongings. Exes don’t just forget something that doesn’t belong to them. They know what they must do.

Their reason for acting so strange and immature is that they feel hurt, angry, or smothered and don’t want to reach out or be reached out to.

They have their own interpretation of justice and the way the breakup should unfold, so they don’t want to let their ex take control. They want to give back their ex’s stuff when it’s the most convenient for them, not their ex!

This means they feel victimized and want their ex to wait until they’re ready to communicate. The bad thing about this is that usually, months have to go by for them to see they’re being unfair or even cruel. That’s because the breakup makes them feel such strong negative emotions that all they want to do is avoid their ex.

Oftentimes, they give their ex his/her belongings back when their ex stops asking for them. A lack of emotional reaction from the dumpee allows them to cool off and makes them lose the will to resist.

That’s when they normally start feeling guilty and think they should stop keeping their ex’s stuff.

With that being said, here are a few possible reasons why your ex won’t give you your stuff back.

How to get your stuff back from your ex?

If your ex doesn’t want to return your belongings the nice way (by politely asking for your stuff) and telling your ex you’re happy to pay for the shipping, you’ll have to take a more drastic approach. You’ll have to forget about arranging some sort of deal with your ex directly and get some other person involved.

This could be anyone with authority whom your ex respects and doesn’t want to disappoint.

It may be best to start by asking your or your ex’s friends and family to communicate in your stead. If your ex has a decent relationship with those people and/or cares about his or her image, your ex will feel ashamed for keeping your stuff and will likely give you your stuff back very quickly.

Your ex’s friends and family will probably also check up on your ex and make sure that he or she does the right thing.

This is the approach I recommend to most dumpees. It solves the personal belongings issue when the dumper is not communicating, cooperating, and acting like a mature and decent person. It doesn’t always go smoothly, of course, but it does tend to cultivate success when the dumper has people in his or her life he or she cares about.

The dumper may not care much about you or like that you involved other people, but the dumper will likely try to avoid ruining his or her persona.

So if you want to get your stuff back from your ex but your ex isn’t being helpful, don’t immediately threaten your ex or trash-talk your ex on social media. It’s not worth stooping down to your ex’s level, ruining your karma, and getting hurt just because your ex is resentful or too chicken to face you.

It’s much better for your conscience and emotional health to try resolving it the nice way first. Here are the things you can do from start to finish.

1. Ask nicely and propose different ways to get your stuff back. Tell your ex he/she can ship them to you (at your expense), bring them to your place, leave them outside for you/someone to collect, or ask friends or family to do the exchange in his or her stead.
2. Ask your friends and family to talk to your ex.
3. Explain the situation to your ex’s friends and family (your ex might not like that, but that’s not your problem).
4. Talk to neighbors.
5. Involve the authorities.

The legal method should be the final course of action, used only when all else has failed. It will destroy any possibilities of future communication and reconciliation.

So if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend refuses to give you your stuff back, play nice as long as it’s helping. But if that doesn’t work or if it makes your ex take advantage of you, consider taking more desperate measures or simply letting your stuff go.

Sometimes it’s better to prioritize your health and healing over money and “justice.”

Is your ex refusing to return your stuff? What’s your ex saying or doing? Share your breakup experience in the comments section below.

And if your situation is too complicated to write on the page and you want to talk with us, subscribe to breakup coaching here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.