If you’re diligently following no contact and think the no contact rule is not working, you’re probably expecting too much too soon. You want the no contact rule to have an effect on your ex right now and aren’t giving your ex enough time to experience the mystery of life and come back to you when he or she is ready.
Perhaps you’re comparing yourself to other dumpees who got their ex back and wonder what’s taking your ex so long.
To make things easier for you, I can tell you that just because your ex hasn’t come back yet, it doesn’t mean that the no contact rule isn’t working. It could just mean that your ex hasn’t found a good reason to get back in touch with you and reconnect with you.
He or she could still be processing the breakup, self-prioritizing, dating other people, and thinking about other things and people. You want and expect your ex to miss you and text you like crazy as you’ve heard that no contact can do that, but no contact isn’t some silly manipulation technique that has a 100% chance of making your ex desperate for your love and attention.
You have to remember that your ex is the dumper and that your ex isn’t going through the same stages as you. Your ex is relieved and elated whereas you are anxious and worried. For no contact to affect your ex the way you want it to, the roles must reverse! Your ex must become anxious and you have to enjoy your life and become independent of your ex.
That’s when no contact will make your ex think about you more and depending on his level of pain and discomfort perhaps even force him to reach out to you and ask for your forgiveness and love.
The biggest mistake dumpees make is that they expect too much too soon. They want no contact to work on their ex when they’re still emotionally dependent on their ex and need their ex to feel in control of the breakup. But, unfortunately, most dumpees don’t get the privilege of watching their ex run back to them when they’re struggling emotionally.
They usually see their ex return when they’re fully or semi-healed and don’t need their ex back to ease their separation anxiety. This is good because such dumpees make rational decisions based on how good their ex was to them during and after the relationship.
They take their ex back only if their ex contributes to their lives in healthy ways rather than just making them feel loved and important.
Today’s article is for everyone who wants proof that the no contact rule is not working.
5 signs the no contact rule is not working
If you’re looking for signs the no contact rule is not working, keep in mind that most of the time dumpees feel like no contact is not working. They’re unaware of the fact that their ex is processing the breakup and disassociating negative emotions without their awareness.
Dumpees often develop a black or white opinion about no contact. To them, no contact either works in their set amount of time or it doesn’t work at all. If their ex doesn’t come back as fast as they want, they get hurt and think that no contact doesn’t work and that it’s a hoax.
Whether your ex comes back or not, you need to stay in no contact. You need to follow all its rules so that you can continue to give your ex time and yourself enough emotional distance to detach and heal.
With that said, here are 5 signs the no contact rule is not working.
1)Your ex is bitter or vengeful months later
The purpose of no contact is for your ex to stop thinking poorly of you and do what he or she wants. Your ex must forget about the relationship and the reasons for breaking up and enjoy his or her life for a while. That’s how your ex can distance himself or herself from the breakup, relieve pressure, and have fewer reasons to blame you for the breakup.
An ex you’ve gone no contact with shouldn’t continue to view himself or herself as a victim forever. The man or woman should gradually cool off, acknowledge his or her flaws and mistakes, and improve his or her attitude of mind. These things should happen naturally as no contact should give your ex a chance to see things from a clearer perspective.
If your ex doesn’t become more rational and less angry or hateful months after the breakup, it’s safe to say that your ex isn’t capable and willing to change his or her perception of you. Your ex is more than happy to view you as the culprit because doing so empowers your ex with anger.
It gives your ex control over the breakup and prevents your ex from relaxing and acknowledging your good points.
If your ex thrives on control and likes to blame you, shame you, talk badly about you, prank you, and play jealousy games or manipulation games with you, your ex likely won’t ever fall back in love with you again. No contact won’t be able to help your ex reconnect the bond because your ex will have destroyed all of his or her respect for you.
And respect is essential as no relationship can exist without it.
2)Your ex got engaged and married
Although the dumper can come back even after getting married, it could take him or her a very long time. So long, in fact, that you lose feelings for your ex and get over the pain your ex has caused you. If that happens, you won’t care about whether your ex comes back or not. You’ll have created an independent life without your ex and be happy with the way things are.
You won’t need your ex and therefore, won’t desire your ex as much as you do today. You’ll feel differently about your ex which means that you’ll respect yourself more and think differently too. When that day comes, you’ll wonder why you even cared about your ex so much and admit that your ex wasn’t worth the wait.
My advice is not to regret the things you do today. The reason you spend so much time thinking about your ex and wondering whether no contact is working is that you’re hurt and want positive results to take your pain away and make you feel validated.
Obsessing about your ex assuages your anxiety.
So if your ex seems to be getting serious with someone new, bear in mind that the no contact rule is probably not working in your favor at this very moment. Right now, it’s merely giving your ex time to focus on his or her wants and needs and allowing your ex to move on with someone else.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do no contact, though. Whether no contact is working or not doesn’t change anything for you. You still have to stay in no contact and do your best to forget about your ex and create a self-fulfilling life you can be proud of.
No contact is mainly for you. If you utilize it, you can detach from your ex, become emotionally stronger, grow as a person, and avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
3)Your ex keeps reaching out and wanting to be friends
Another sign the no contact rule is not working is if your ex keeps breadcrumbing you and wanting to keep you around as a friend. That kind of behavior indicates that your ex wants to keep you around for convenience and that it could take your ex a lot of time before your ex stops seeing you as just a friend.
In all honesty, most exes dumpers don’t redevelop feelings for their ex as friends. They just like staying in touch with their ex because that way, they get to appease their guilt and receive certain benefits from their ex.
If your ex keeps reaching out to you, this doesn’t necessarily mean that your ex will never want to get back with you. But it does indicate that your ex has different (non-romantic) plans for you and that unless something changes significantly that your ex won’t suddenly start wanting to be with you.
Things that could inspire your ex to give the relationship another chance are:
- a lot of self-reflection
- maturity and self-awareness
- failure in life and pain
- positive thinking
- regret and nostalgia
I’m not saying it’s impossible for your ex to ever see you as more than a friend if you settle for friendship, but if you do settle, you’re going to suffer unnecessarily and take your ex’s sense of urgency away. It’s much better for your health as well as your ex’s respect for you if you distance yourself from your ex and let your ex see that you’re gone for good.
Don’t hesitate to tell your ex you’re not ready to talk yet and that you’d appreciate it if he or she didn’t reach out anymore. If your ex broke up with you, you need to ask for space and exude emotional independence. This could attract your ex back if your ex hits a rough patch further down the road.
4)Your ex is jumping from one relationship to the next
A good sign that your ex is incapable of reflecting and discerning your worth is if your ex is monkey-branching from one person to the next, completely ignoring his or her failures. On a person like that, no contact won’t work as it won’t help him stop and think that the problem may be with him/her.
Your ex will likely need to date many people before your ex gets attached, dumped, and forced to suffer a painful blow to the ego and self-esteem. But when your ex finally does, your ex might finally become anxious and seek help from his or her exes.
But don’t just wait for your ex. Most dumpers who come back do so after dating the next person because they see that the grass is not greener. They don’t need to date dozens of people to realize their dumpee’s value.
Your time on this planet is limited. Don’t waste it by waiting for someone who blames others for his or her failures and disappointments. You have to focus on detachment and stop waiting for your ex. You owe it to yourself.
5)There’s too much water under the bridge
Some relationships suffer irreversible damage, so nothing you say and do can fix them. You can apologize to your ex, demonstrate change, say that you’ve moved on, and appear happier than ever before—and your ex still won’t feel attracted to you.
This is because your ex may not be able to let go of all the bad things that have happened throughout the relationship. Your ex may not want to because bad reminders bring back unwanted emotions and make your ex feel victimized and in control of his or her life.
By getting back together with you, your ex would have to give up control, become vulnerable around you, be certain about wanting you back, and invest energy into the relationship that your ex doesn’t have.
If you think back to when you first met your ex, you were excited to get to know your ex. You were both on the same page emotionally and had no negative perceptions of each other. Frankly put, you didn’t know anything about each other.
Today, however, that is not the case. Now you both have a good understanding of who you are as people and what you’re capable of. For you, letting go of the past is easy because your ex broke your heart and increased your love for him or her.
For your ex, though, it’s not that easy. Your ex needs a strong emotional incentive to fall back in love with you and see your worth. This is especially true if your relationship was toxic, abusive, imbalanced, or directionless. Getting back together under these circumstances isn’t just difficult but chances are high that you’d break up again even if you did get back together.
People tend not to change unless they have some kind of realization. And they tend not to have a realization unless they suffer immensely.
So if you’re looking for signs that the no contact rule is not working, I suggest that you don’t search for them if your relationship failed to reach your expectations and hurt you immensely. You’ll only waste your time because your ex won’t do anything to grow within.
Do you agree with the 5 signs the no contact rule is not working? Do you know any other signs? Write your opinion and breakup experiences below the post.
And if you’d like to get in touch with us to discuss your breakup, take a look at our coaching services here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Always suprise me with every new article Zan!
So i’m at second point my ex got engaged and married
But during the process I realized that no contact is about me. And now everyday more and more in creating a self-fulfilling life that I’m being proud of. With your help Zan I have become emotionally stronger, i’m growing as a person and trying to learn and avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
Forever grateful for your help 🫶🏻
Hi Linda.
No contact has always been about you. You just weren’t able to see it back then because you wanted your ex back so badly. Great job on making all these positive changes, Linda. You’ve gotten the most out of no contact, that’s for sure!
Zan
Hi Zan,
I am Shri (29 years) from India. I am writing these details to seek your direction to get move on and detached myself from my girlfriend as I am unable to concentrate on my present life since 45 days. I am in no contact with her as she blocked me in all the social platforms since 1 month. I am missing her so much these days and want her in my life but my friends and family telling me she will not come again as she has mood changes. I have hope that she will realize the efforts by me but sometime feels like this is not positive hope.
I met my girl (17 years) in gym 8 months back. During gym, she once talked with me and after that we used to go on same way by walking as we were living in similar area. Once she took my number and asked me I am single or not. I told her, I am single and heartbroken from my previous relationships. I told her 2 girls dumped me in my life so I don’t believe on girls. She started liking me after few days and told she also heartbroken as her BF cheated on her. I didn’t shown interest in her because of age difference initially. As time passes we started chatting, meeting, dating. She told she is in love with me but I didn’t told her that I like her, I told her I may get married in upcoming years so it may be not possible. She always used to tell me that she will not leave me as she love me so much. As a elder person, I used to tell her so many things which are good to her from my experiences such as talked to family, make new good friends, focused on health and studies. As she was single child at home and her parents were not talking with her that much, her few friend addicted to weed, she also took weed some time she told me that, she was overweight etc. I started caring for her and talking with her so many things and she started following many good things and because of that she was very happy in her life, and she used to being so much happier than previous with her new life with me. She started deep feelings for me and saying she loves me a lot, want to get married to me. But I used to tell her she is having so much time to this, as I’m in my 30 and I will be her friend for lifetime. Then one day she took drink and told me that she loves me more; from that day I started love feelings for her, but I didn’t told her as I wanted to check in soulmate aspects that she is the right person for my life so that I will wait for her for few years. I wanted to express my love feelings after completion of her exams in May 2022.
But time passes like this, suddenly from April 2nd week she started ignoring me. She started blocking and unblocking me frequently by telling that if i give guarantee for marriage then only she will talk otherwise not. I told her you are my present and everything. I cant give guarantee what’s the future as she cants also give. But she wanted that only and 1 2 weeks we didn’t talked that much. She used some abusive word in anger I also told u don’t deserve me, u deserve guys like ur ex. After that she didn’t talk with me and blocked me everywhere and she said she loss the feelings for me, she doesn’t care for me, she don’t want to talk to me, go and move on in life. But I cried so much after that I told her I love her so much, I didn’t told but i have feelings for her but she didn’t listen and blocked me again.
Due to this behavior, I went into depression and did mistakes of no contact like I msg her, begged her, I followed once her on way to talk 2 min, I change her Netflix password. Due to this she blocked me on mobiles and complain abt me to my friend. She told I m the disgusting person of her life, she hates me and etc and she blocked me again everywhere. Again, after week, she unblocked me and msg me how r u. I didn’t reply early, i just asked her hope she is well and eating on time. She told yes. After 1 week I msg her why she asked me how r me if she don’t love. She told she just like that asked and she is moving to US as she cut her hand when we were not in contact foe 1 2 weeks, and she was in depression and because of this her mom cried and this everything happened because of me. She told she don’t want to meet me last time also. She then told don’t msg me or call me. She told she become bad girls now, she started exploring guys for hookups and taken weed. She doesn’t have feelings for me. She hates me more. Recently I have seen her in my areas, and she didn’t go to US. She blocked me since 30 days, and didn’t msg. I tried to reach her friends, but her friends told she is happy in her life and moved on. She is going out with new boys. I am unable to move on, don’t know what to do, what’s going in her mind. Shall I wait for her what to do.
Incredible, after 5 sessions of therapy, and 3 coaching sessions. For the last 4 months, my ex has breadcrumb me, every time she reached out and wants to talk about the failures of our relationship instead of moving forward, warning me to not go to the gym THAT I INTRODUCED her to, all because I kept declining her offer for friendship, and told her to back off until she wants to talk about reconciling or until when she’s single. She still brings up the past even during no contact. I can say for sure she’s hit points 1, 3, 4, and 5. I’ve overlooked her part of emotional abuse and has forgiven her what she did to me. Yet, she’s still at the same spot, bringing up the past, bringing up my thoughts and feelings that I’VE OPENED UP to her because I trusted her, yet she still uses my own words against me to justify her leaving me and saying “she’s looking after herself”. Monkey branched, never apologized, plays the victim, and still says that I’m the one who dumped her when I later wanted to be back with her. It’s safe to say I’ve dated truly someone who never wants to change, used me up, drained me, and then dumped me when she finds something new and shiny. Hard to move on from someone like that during no contact.
Hi Ray.
Relationships take time to get over – especially abusive ones. But stay away from your ex (ask her not to contact you) and you’ll heal quicker. Your ex must understand that she’s not welcome as a friend and that you won’t respond to her if that’s what she wants. It’s time to focus on yourself now so that you can get rid of this unhealthy attachment.
Stay strong, Ray!
Zan