Why Is The No Contact Rule So Effective?

There are several reasons why the no contact rule is so effective when it comes to getting our exes back. Not only can it have an effect on the person that left us, but it’s also the only way to become happy with ourselves.

By now you’ve probably realized that no contact doesn’t work overnight or even after a week or two. Normally, it takes way longer for it to become effective.

Please don’t think that your ex will come back if you follow the 30-day no contact rule. More often than not, it just won’t happen.

And if by some chance your ex does come back, he or she will often leave again.

This normally occurs when the dumper:

• is allowed back in as if nothing had happened
• doesn’t process the breakup fully
• isn’t able to change quickly enough
• sees that the dumpee is still the same person

In this article, we will examine how and why the no contact rule is the only way to go and explain the effects it has on our exes.

No contact is so effective because it provides basic emotional needs

In short, the no contact rule is so effective because it gives the dumper exactly what he or she wants.

Emotional needs, such as freedom, independence, space and time are the first favors every dumper asks for.

If the dumpee fails to provide these, basic, yet absolutely necessary needs to the dumper, all hell breaks loose.

The dumper then naturally feels inclined to seek freedom by staying away from the dumpee and even goes the extra mile to avoid all contact.

Due to a lack of interest from the dumper, the dumpee suffers a quick blow to the ego and begins to go through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee.

Next, an unforeseen disruption to the push-pull dynamic occurs. The dumpee goes from being loved to pushed away and this becomes difficult to comprehend.

Since it happens so fast, the dumpee suffers badly and tries to obtain love and recognition by a means of coercion.

In spite of great efforts, extorting love by force doesn’t ever work—so the dumper instinctively retreats to a place where he or she doesn’t feel pressured and compelled to act against his or her desires.

We’ll call this safe place of personal freedom – the dumper’s safe zone.

The first reason why the no contact rule is so effective is that it gives the dumper the chance to replenish his or her emotional needs. These needs can only be obtained with space from the dumpee.

This means that as long as the dumpee actively persists on changing his or her ex’s mind, the dumper will feel smothered, trapped and consequently—annoyed.

Sometimes, something as simple as remaining in the dumper’s presence can cause annoyance, hence why the no contact rule is essential.

Self-respect equals value

There’s a saying that a man who doesn’t respect himself, doesn’t get respected in return. It’s uncomfortably true as it applies to just about every situation.

It applies to relationships, families, friends, businesses, careers, and breakups.

The no contact rule is so effective because it portrays the most desirable quality a person can have. That quality is self-respect or confidence.

Now, the reason why this is so important in just about any area of life is that it depicts the ability to believe in our own worth.

It’s an ability because developing confidence takes time and effort and is, therefore, a skill or a trait.

It’s a feature we create for ourselves by pushing ourselves in unpleasant situations and coming out of them even stronger. Since it’s difficult to develop, it also means that many people lack it.

So what does it mean for you when many people lack self-respect and confidence but you don’t?

It makes you seem scarce. In different words, you appear unique, different, special, of high quality, determined, strong, independent… The list goes on and on.

Freedom

We have previously discussed freedom as an emotional need, but there’s more to it.

When an ex breaks up with you by giving you some generic breakup excuse, he or she, in essence, wants to experience freedom and independence again.

Your ex honestly believes that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and that he or she can easily better.

Because of this internal drive to self-actualize and find a better life, your ex-partner once again feels good to be alive.

Moreover, your ex begins to live his or her post-breakup days in renewed hope for a brighter future.

Since the dumper gets rid of “the burden,” his or her surroundings appear greener than ever.

Suddenly, the dumper has the freedom to spend time wherever, whenever, and with whomever he or she wants.

Because of this infatuated false perception, the dumper spends more time doing the things he or she previously “couldn’t” do. Some of these new activities entail partying, drinking, dating.

This occurrence doesn’t befall because the dumper felt restricted in the relationship, but rather because of his or her increased post-breakup happiness and motivation.

Right after the breakup, the dumper is free to do what he or she wants.

Since the dumper feels internally satisfying, it would be a shame not to use it to his or her advantage. It’s merely what the dumper feels compelled to do.

As you already know, opposing your ex’s strong desire for freedom is equivalent to torture to your ex. That’s why the no contact rule is so effective on your ex when you truly leave your former partner alone.

It may not have a direct effect on your ex’s emotional well-being, but it certainly plays an indirect role in helping him or her feel better.

How effective is the no contact rule?

You may be wondering just how effective the no contact rule can be. It’s only natural to covet the best possible results with your ex-partner.

That’s perfectly understandable.

I have previously conducted research on how long it takes for an ex to reach out. To my surprise, over 90% of dumpees will hear from their ex again. Most of them will receive a message or a call within the first 6 months.

It goes without saying that contact happens only when the dumper has been given the aforementioned freedom to explore the world and the space to process the breakup.

The reason why the no contact rule is so effective against the dumper is that it’s the most powerful tool at your disposal.

Any tricks and gimmicks likely won’t work and you probably don’t want to go down that route anyway.

Manipulating your ex into loving you is therefore not an option. What can work for you, on the other hand, is the indefinite no contact rule.

Although no contact rule doesn’t work every time, it works most of the time. How long for its effects to kick in, I can’t say and neither can anyone else.

There is no preset amount of time for an ex to regret his or her decision.

I can, however, tell you that many exes come back when you’ve moved on. The same goes for your ex.

You hopefully won’t care much about your disappearing ex anymore by the time he or she comes crawling back.

As I often mention, exes don’t come back for you, they come back for themselves when something or rather someone isn’t making them very happy.

That’s when they think back and get hit with bittersweet waves of nostalgia.

Predicting your ex’s return

For your ex to experience nostalgia, a lot of time has to go by.

Here’s what’s happening to your persona from days before the breakup to the day of the reconciliation:

1. Love
2. Doubt
3. Losing attraction
4. Breakup
5. Devaluation
6. Mockery and contempt
7. Neutralization
8. Regaining respect
9. Regaining attraction
10. Reconciliation
11. Love

As you can see from the list above, the reconciliation process happens in the exact same order as the breakup.

What’s so interesting about my observations is that based on your ex’s behavior, you as a dumpee can often tell how far you’ve come into the reconciliation.

You might find it hard evaluating your ex’s emotional investment in you because of your own emotions.

If this is the case, you can overcome this obstacle by asking your friends for their unbiased opinion.

The no contact rule works every time for the dumpee

The indefinite no contact rule is your best breakup recovery medicine. No contact works every time when you follow its rules down to the T.

This includes no stalking, refusing to get rid of gifts and reading old texts. Basically, anything that is considered hazardous to your health and well-being is a no-no.

You can’t expect the no contact rule to work every time when you refuse to follow it—as it should be followed.

The moment your ex drops you cold, you must start moving on. There are no emotions to waste on someone who doesn’t appreciate your efforts.

You know you deserve better than that so get rid of everything that slows down your recovery.

When you do, no contact will unquestionably work for you.

It doesn’t matter what your ex thinks about you. If this isn’t the time to be selfish to self-prioritize your needs, I don’t know when it is.

So use this post-breakup time to transform yourself into someone your ex will regret dumping. Nobody is perfect and neither are you, so get busy.

If your ex comes back one day, you will be in the right mental state to make a logical decision, rather than emotional.

You will get to decide whether you want your ex back for the person that he or she is or to move on with someone else.

Reversing the roles

The reason why the no contact rule is so effective is not only because it tells your ex that you’re moving on. It’s because of the long-lasting effects it can have on your ex-partner after months or years.

Over time, the no contact rule does something remarkable. It reverses the roles of power by weakening your ex and empowering you.

The no contact rule works every time because—at the time of the breakup, your ex couldn’t possibly feel any better and you couldn’t feel any worse.

However, the more time goes on, the more roles begin to reverse.

I ask you kindly to hear me out because this is crucial.

By the time your ex reverses back into a simple human and becomes capable of getting hurt, you will have improved and recovered as much as you can.

You will once again be happy with yourself.

Consider the breakup dynamics as a cycle. Your ex starts on top and you on the bottom. As you are forced to make positive changes, your ex naturally regresses back into his or her normal state—the state of neutrality.

And when he or she experiences injustice much like you did on the day of the breakup, your ex is going to sink to the bottom.

You, on the other hand—provided you worked on yourself after the breakup, will eventually reach the acceptance stage and become incredibly happy with yourself and how far you’ve come.

You will be at the peak of your internal fulfillment in your most attractive state.

To your ex (who is drowning at the bottom in misery) you will look like a ray of hope—a savior.

You will shine like the brightest star in the solar system and appear as a person of immense value.

This dear reader is why the no contact rule is so effective in the long run. It’s unfortunate that you can’t force your ex to get to the 5th stage of a breakup for the dumper faster, but that’s just the way breakups are.

Your ex must find his or her own way there. That’s why you can only focus on yourself and make yourself as desirable as you can.

And if your ex comes back, you better make him or her work hard so that you don’t get taken for granted again.

Has this article renewed your trust in no contact? What is your opinion on the effectiveness of the no contact rule? I’d like to hear your opinion in the comments below.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.