Why Is My Ex Telling Me About His Life?

If your ex left you and is telling you about his life, your ex could be doing this because he thinks it’s helping you accept the breakup and move on. It could be a sneaky distraction tactic that allows your ex to take your mind off your problems and focus on his life.

By telling you about his life, the dumper reassures you that his life isn’t as exciting as you might think and that you needn’t fear that you’re missing out. You can just continue to self-prioritize and move on.

Many dumpers feel guilty after the breakup. They find it hard to forgive themselves, so they talk to their ex and try to assuage their guilt. They don’t know how to do that without confusing their ex, so they use various psychological techniques to divert their ex’s mind from serious concerns.

That allows them to avoid relationship and breakup topics as those topics smother them and guilt-trip them.

Your ex could tell you about all sorts of things that happened or will happen to him after the breakup. He could talk about work, school, friends, family, pets, his health, or the person he’s been seeing.

Your ex could describe his life in such a way that makes his life seem less fun, meaningful, and enviable. Self-aware dumpers tend to downplay the things happening to them post-breakup so as not to hurt and offend the dumpee. They want to avoid causing pain and also avoid getting hurt in return.

As for non-self-aware dumpers, they tend not to care very much. They talk about their private lives because they’re detached and assume their ex is also detached and ready to talk about his/her life. Little do they know that their ex isn’t emotionally ready to hear about their private life, especially if they’re in a new relationship already.

Such dumpers could ask personal questions such as:

• are you seeing anyone?
• are you looking for love?
• how’s life been?
• did you get over me yet?
• did you miss me?
• what have you been up to?

They could also “support you” by saying:

• I want you to find someone who loves you
• I want you to be happy
• I’ll always be your friend and have your back
• I’ll be at your wedding

They’re clueless as to what their ex needs and how their words and actions affect their ex. That’s why they try to push their ex away from them and toward someone or something else. Something that can distract their ex and reduce their guilt.

Dumpers feel guilty for various reasons. But usually, they feel bad when they start dating and/or realize their ex didn’t deserve to get mistreated and hurt. To deal with their guilt, they reach out to their ex, breadcrumb their ex, and try to make their post-breakup life seem less interesting than it is.

So if your ex is updating you on his life, try not to extract hope from it. Your ex probably considers you a friend or a temporary friend he wants to gain forgiveness from. When your ex sees that you’re doing fine, your ex might stop feeling guilty for breaking your heart and decide to put you on the back burner.

That will show you’re not friends, but somewhere between strangers and acquaintances.

Exes and friendships don’t mix well together. As long as dumpees have feelings, attempts at maintaining friendships cause more harm than good. They force dumpees to absorb unnecessary post-breakup information, hurt them, and hinder their healing.

That’s why dumpees should reject friendship offers and stay away from their ex. They shouldn’t even put themselves in situations where their ex can talk about his or her life. They should be keeping their ex away from their heart and by doing so, stop their ex from making them obsess over their ex.

Today, we discuss why your ex is telling you about his (love) life and what you should do about it.

Why is my ex telling me about his life?

Look, your ex is either talking about his life to distract you from your problems and avoid feeling guilty or to be friends with you. Whichever it is, your ex is telling you about his life because he thinks it can help you and him get closer and feel better.

Surface-level conversations break the ice and create trust. And trust heals hurt feelings and allows your ex to move on with a clear conscience.

Bear in mind that your ex can benefit from talking to you in many ways. Here are just a few examples.

Many dumpers think their ex owes them friendship and that friendship is the right thing to do after being with their ex for x number of months or years. But what dumpers don’t understand is that dumpees don’t want friendship and that they aren’t capable of maintaining it.

Dumpees are sad, anxious, hopeful, and sometimes even depressed. They can’t have a friendly relationship with someone they dated. Not while they’re still processing the breakup and/or trying to get back with their ex.

All dumpees can do is talk about their children, belongings, and mortgage. And even talking about those things is oftentimes extremely difficult. When they talk to their ex, they immediately notice that their ex’s love for them is gone and that regaining it is going to be difficult.

That’s just one of the reasons why dumpees shouldn’t communicate with the dumper without a good reason. They should speak only about tasks, duties, or responsibilities they and their ex share. Such matters take priority over their hurt feelings and resentments.

Everything else should wait until they’re both ready to communicate.

So if your ex is telling you about his life, figure out what your ex wants to get out of the conversation. Is it friendship, forgiveness, advice, support, information, sex, or something else?

You should be able to figure it out on your own. If you can’t, be brave and straightforward—and ask your ex about it. He’ll probably tell you what he’s aiming for right away. You won’t have to ask him twice because you’ll question his intentions and put him on the spot.

Most dumpers know they shouldn’t be reaching out to their ex. They know how difficult breakups are and why their reach-outs cause problems for dumpees. But because they have problems of their own, they put their guilt, anxiety, shame, or whatever they feel before their ex’s problems and reach out anyway.

They try to obtain reassurance from the dumpee without doing much to help the dumpee in return. Most of the time, dumpers just confuse dumpees, make them analyze their behavior, and give them false hope.

You don’t want your ex to use you to deal with guilt. You want him to leave you alone unless he intends to get back with you. If he doesn’t get that you’re hurt and need time to heal, he needs to be told that.

Tell him you don’t want to be friends and that you’ll let him know if or when you want to be friends. He might try to guilt-trip you into being friends with him, but don’t let him. You need to heal first before you consider being his friend and hearing about his dating prospects.

What if my dumpee ex is telling me about his life?

Dumpees tend to confide in their ex to impress their ex. They have feelings for their ex, so they want to show their ex they feel powerful and look attractive to other people.

Some dumpees try to evoke jealousy and trigger their ex’s insecurities and sense of urgency whereas others just want to present themselves as fun, busy, and interesting individuals.

All wounded and hopeful dumpees desire validation, acceptance, and some kind of acknowledgment. They want to feel that they contributed a lot to their ex’s life and that their ex appreciates it and misses them.

Dumpees typically talk about their hobbies, goals, and things they’ve been able to accomplish. Their goal is to show their ex they’ve listened and changed the things they needed to.

They are under the impression that changing a few bad habits and behaviors is going to impress their ex and bring him or her back. Many times, dumpees tend to forget that dumpers associate negative feelings with them and that disassociating those beliefs is out of their control.

Dumpers must reflect very deeply before they can change their outlook on life and their perceptions of the dumpee. Most of the time, they must suffer some kind of personal loss because only then can they lower their ego and pride.

Yes, some dumpees are also over their ex and just want to be friends with their ex. But such dumpees normally take some time away from their ex (months of time) and get their ex out of the system. They heal and get over their ex and then discern they want their ex in their life as just a friend.

So if your dumpee ex is telling you about his life and you can’t stop wondering why, know that your ex either has a hidden agenda (wants to impress you and get back with you) or just wants to be your friend. Either way, you can learn what your ex’s motives are by studying your ex’s expectations.

If you see that your ex wants to spend a lot of time with you and seems anxious or scared of you, your ex still has romantic feelings and expectations of you. He wants you to notice his worth and reconcile.

But if your ex doesn’t seem affected by what you do and who you date, then it’s probably safe to assume that your ex wants to be your friend. He has processed the separation and may be interested in having a friendship or friendship with benefits.

Your job is to find out what your ex wants and what you want.

What if my ex is bragging about his life?

Before you accuse your ex of bragging, make sure your ex is bragging and not just telling a story. A misinterpretation of your ex’s behavior could make you feel victimized and force you to take revenge or do something you’ll regret.

So to understand if your ex is bragging about his life and taunting you, look at his attitude and discern if he’s trying to bring a negative reaction out of you. A negative reaction from you would empower your ex and make him argue with you.

It’d tell your ex that you care and that he has power over you.

That’s why the easiest way to tell your ex is bragging about his life or someone he’s dating is to evaluate the quality of your “friendship.” If you get along, your ex probably wouldn’t see a reason to bully you and make you react strongly. He’d be happy with the way things are and would want the best for you.

A bragging ex is very insecure. He wants your validation because you removed your presence and affection and aren’t giving them back. Such an ex will brag about his life and try to make you feel insecure. He’ll project his insecurities onto you and try to manipulate you into caring.

Usually, dumpees brag about their new partners because they haven’t processed the past yet. Their wounds are still fresh, so they try to incite chaos. A successfully incited chaos tells them they matter enough for their ex to pay attention to them.

So if your ex is bragging about his life, try to ignore your ex’s screams for help. As tempting as it can be to respond and give your ex a fight he craves, be the bigger person and ignore your ex’s provocations. Go no contact with your ex (if you haven’t already) and let your ex learn to search for validation within himself.

No matter what your ex says and does, remember that he’s an ex and that you shouldn’t be talking to him. You should be focusing on your own life and doing your best to grow as much as you can.

You won’t grow if you waste your time fighting with your ex. All you’ll do is keep your ex busy and give him unnecessary power, validation, and reasons to look for trouble.

Did you learn why your ex is telling you about his life? Why do you think exes share information about their life? Comment below and let us know.

And if you want to talk to us about your ex’s disclosure of personal information, sign up for coaching with us.