Why Is My Ex Keeping My Stuff After The Breakup?

why is my ex keeping my stuff

Assuming your ex is the dumper and you asked for your things back, your ex is keeping your stuff because your ex is angry or resentful. Your ex wants to control the flow of the breakup and by doing so, hurt you, confuse you, and empower himself or herself in ways that give your ex power and boost his or her ego.

Most dumpers are happy to give their ex stuff back right away as they take comfort in knowing they’re done with their ex and that their ex won’t contact them in the future just to ask for personal belongings back.

But every now and then, some dumpers aren’t that cooperative and eager to get rid of their ex’s stuff. Some dumpers have reasons to believe their ex doesn’t deserve his or her stuff back (yet) and that their ex must first live in worry and fear of never getting his or her things back.

Essentially, dumpers who keep their ex’s belongings feel victimized (hurt by their ex’s pre-breakup and/or post-breakup behavior) and intend to manipulate their ex into thinking that their ex should be punished and count his or her losses.

They don’t care if their ex wants or needs personal belongings back. They just want to make life difficult for their ex as they feel that their ex has made their lives difficult for them in the past.

It’s an eye for an eye sort of thing—as not returning things is their revenge.

Some dumpees think their ex is refusing to return their things because their ex still has feelings for them and doesn’t want to let go of hope completely, but from what I see, most dumpers aren’t leaving the door open for a possible future reconciliation.

When dumpers are done with the relationship, they are done. They don’t want any reminders of their ex lying around the house because they need space and time to themselves to enjoy their newfound freedom.

Yes, some dumpers who leave their ex’s gifts on display and keep using their ex’s stuff for months after the breakup, but such dumpers don’t connect their unhappiness with their ex’s stuff. They consider their ex’s things to be theirs and don’t care if they came from a person who’d hurt them.

I know I’ve made dumpers look like villains, but I’d like to say that I’ve seen dumpers keep their ex’s stuff. Most weren’t using any of their ex’s belongings for personal benefit, but they liked to hold on to them because doing so gave them more power and control.

Dumpers are notorious for holding on to power after the breakup. They want it so badly they’re prepared to go to great lengths just to get an ego boost.

Why do they need an ego boost when they were the ones who did the dumping and already feel empowered?

The answer to this question is that for the first time in a long time, they’re no longer a part of their ex’s life and feel in full control of their lives. They feel ready to stand up for themselves and make their ex’s lives miserable if they have to.

They don’t understand or care that by doing so they’re inflating their self-importance at their ex’s expense.

So if you’re wondering why your ex is keeping your stuff and possibly ignoring you when you reach out to get your things back, keep in mind that your ex wants the breakup to play out on his or her terms. Your ex wants to feel in charge and do what he or she wants to do because doing so feels good.

This post is for dumpees who wonder, “Why is my ex keeping my stuff after the breakup?”

why is my ex keeping my stuff

Why is my ex keeping my stuff?

Now that you know your ex is keeping your stuff to bring you down (get a reaction out of you) and self-validate, you also need to know that your ex is trying to make good use out of you for the last time.

Your ex doesn’t know what else to do to get back at you for the way you’d made your ex feel throughout the relationship, so your ex is doing the only thing that allows your ex to stay one step ahead of you.

Your ex is making you run in circles and by doing so, put you at his or her mercy. This is how your ex overpowers you with total control of the situation and makes the returning of your stuff completely dependent on his or her goodwill.

So if you’re wondering, “Why is my ex keeping my stuff and not returning it to me when I ask for it,” you need to understand that your ex doesn’t want to give you your stuff because he or she considers the breakup a battle (survival of the fittest) and would lose the only handicap he/she has.

By returning your stuff, your ex would have to compete on an equal footing—and that just wouldn’t feel like he or she has control over the situation. It’d feel like you’re equals in terms of power and worth and make your ex feel that you’ve had the last laugh.

In the picture below, you can find 5 reasons why your ex is keeping your stuff after the breakup.

My ex is keeping my stuff

If your ex is refusing to give you your stuff back, your ex thinks he or she has the right to keep your things and play with your feelings. Your feelings (which are fear, anxiety, and uncertainty) are the only things your ex can control now that the breakup transpired.

Make sure not to react too strongly or you’ll show your ex that he or she controls how you think, feel and act.

Will my ex ever give me my stuff back?

If your ex feels you’ve suffered enough or that you’ve stopped trying to control the situation, your ex will likely give you your stuff back. He or she won’t have a reason to hold on to your belongings because your ex won’t get a kick out of your need or desire to obtain your stuff anymore.

I know that sounds sadistic, but your ex will see you’re not trying to fight for your things anymore and get bored. Or in other words, your ex will get tired of controlling a situation only he or she is trying to control and stop competing with you. That’s when he or she will probably stop playing dirty and return your belongings.

Unless your ex is a narcissist or has some other challenging mental health issue, of course. In that case, your ex could keep picking fights with you for a while.

My advice is not to seek control and demand your ex to return your stuff. Your ex won’t like being forced as he or she will feel that you’re in no position to demand things.

This is true even if you’ve spent your hard-earned money on your stuff and need your things back asap. When a man or woman feels victimized and blames you for it, you’ll have a higher chance of getting something out of your ex by letting your ex decide to return your things of his or her own accord.

And the only way your ex will decide to do that is if you don’t react to your ex’s manipulation tactics and stay out of your ex’s way.

And yes, there’s always a chance that your ex will be so upset he/she will just throw your things away. But if your relationship was at least somewhat healthy, your ex should see that he or she overreacted and return your things when rationality takes over.

So if the breakup happened not too long ago and things are still heated, wait for your ex to cool off first. Don’t threaten your ex or anything like that because that will force your ex to go on the defensive. And when your ex is on the defensive, you can forget about getting your stuff back. It won’t happen as your ex will get hurt (angry) and fight you back to get justice.

What if I need my stuff back urgently?

If your things were inexpensive and you don’t need them back right away, I suggest that you just let them go. Asking an ex who gets an ego boost from you whenever he or she refuses to return your stuff is a complete waste of time.

It’s better to just let it go and let your ex keep your things. It’s not worth losing sleep over it and worrying if your ex will ever stop being resentful and become a decent human being.

If your stuff was expensive or you need it back right away, though, then simply waiting for your ex to do the right thing isn’t an option. In that case, you may want to involve your ex’s friends, your ex’s family, or your family (in that order) and hope that your ex sees what he or she is doing is wrong and becomes afraid of ruining his or her image.

Your ex might want to protect his or her opinion of others and return your things.

So if you haven’t already asked your ex to return your things, think about whether you need your stuff back. You may realize it’d be unwise to interrupt your ex’s peace and your healing process just for a bunch of unimportant items. I think you should reach out to your ex and ask for your things back only if you’re on speaking terms with your ex, if you left behind something important, or if you need your things back immediately.

These are good reasons for reaching out and saying, “Hey John. I know you need some space right now, and I want to give that to you. I’m reaching out because I left my work documents at your place in the top drawer. Would you be so kind to drop them off or let me know when you’re free for me to collect them? If you’re not comfortable with that, sending them by post or giving them to my friends is completely fine too! Thanks a lot!

If you say something like that, you’ll show you’re interested in discussing only unfinished business and that you’ll go back to no contact afterward.

If your ex agrees to give you your stuff back after that, of course, don’t start talking to your ex again! You need to communicate only about your stuff (small talk is also okay) and leave your ex alone.

Why is my ex keeping my gifts after the breakup?

If your ex is keeping your gifts and the things you bought throughout the relationship, your ex probably thinks your gifts or items are useful and/or harmless. Your ex doesn’t see a reason to throw them away or give them back to you because your ex doesn’t associate pain and frustration with them.

He or she considers them a part of his/her life and wants to keep them for convenience. I know this can seem confusing because sometimes dumpers keep personal gifts. But as we’d already mentioned, dumpers don’t have a problem with the gifts themselves. They only throw away things that have no purpose in their lives.

I also kept some of my exes’ gifts after the breakup. I saw no point in throwing shirts, chocolates, jewelry, and a reading tablet away as I had nothing against my exes.

But I did eventually stop using those things as I’d decided it was time to change things up a bit. I guess every person has different plans for gifts they receive from their ex.

Some keep them, some throw them away, some give them to their friends, some send them back to their ex, and some refuse to return them. How a person acts depends on his/her maturity and how forced and victimized he or she feels.

So if you’re still wondering why your ex is keeping or using your stuff, know that your ex doesn’t associate bad breakup emotions with the things you’d bought or made. Your ex thinks they have nothing to do with the breakup and has use for them.

Did you learn why your ex is keeping your stuff? Let me know why you think exes do that in the comments section below the post. I read all comments and also reply to them.

And if you’d like to talk to us about how to get your stuff back from your ex, reach out to us here.

23 thoughts on “Why Is My Ex Keeping My Stuff After The Breakup?”

  1. Elizabeth Marie Preusser

    My ex broke things off with me five months ago. I left a scarf at his place which was a gift from my sister that was hand made in Uganda. I politely asked him to mail the scarf to me and offered to pay the shipping costs. I expressed how irreplaceable the scarf is and that returning it would be greatly appreciated. That was over a month ago and still no sign of my scarf to come. As valuable as this item is to me, I will not reach out again to ask because simply put, I more than likely will not be as kindhearted the second time around. I am curious though, do men typically throw their ex-girlfriends’ things away? Or do they hold onto the requested items for a specific reason? To clarify, we did not have a hateful relationship or a bad ending, his father passed away in January and was very clear that he could not pursue a relationship with me at the time. I respected his decision, as hurtful as this was, I also understood. We have had on and off communication throughout this time to check in, but the longer I do not hear from him or see him, the more I am moving on with my life. I chose to respect his decision and now he is choosing not to respect mine by asking for one meaningful item back. Should I consider my scarf to be gone forever?

    1. Hi Elizabeth.

      Dumpers hold on to their ex’s personal belongings for power and control. They want to send items back on their terms, not when their ex asks about it. You might eventually randomly receive the scarf. If not, I encourage you to ask your friends or family to ask for it back. You have nothing to lose by involving them and trying harder to get it back.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  2. Me and my ex of 9 years have been broken up for 15 months now. After he started dating about 8 months after the breakup, I asked him to send the rest of my stuff back (clothes, books, documents, all kinds of nick nacks- we lived together for a long time!), and he said he would. I offered to pay for shipping and everything. Took two reminders until 4 months later, I finally got the things I specifically asked for (I avoided naming specific things for a while, because how am I gonna list every single item? He knows what’s his and what’s mine). He didn’t send anything else, or say anything about those things. There’s also some furniture that I bought, which I don’t expect to be shipped but if I was him I would sell it and send over some money for it. I live a 5h flight away now so I can’t pick it up myself. Why would he even want my stuff around his house still, after all this time? As far as I know he might be seeing someone new- not sure how seriously. I’m trying to let it go but it’s kinda pissing me off. I don’t want to keep reaching out anymore, and nagging at him. I also don’t want to involve our friends and family

    1. Hi Zamioculcas.

      I’m sorry he’s refusing to cooperate. It seems that he deliberately wants to keep your things and not return the money you invested in the furniture. If it’s not a lot of money and if you can replace your stuff, I suggest you do that. It’s not worth the time and effort to keep telling him what to do. He probably wants to feel in control now that he’s your ex. Let him do what he wants and cut him off.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

      Best regards,
      Zan

      1. Why would he want control over me though? He broke up with me and we haven’t even spoken since October 2023 now (he hasn’t reached out, I would reply if he did, but I’m staying no contact of course). I would assume he just no longer wants anything to do with me. I’d be kinda weirded out if I was the new girl, I’m not gonna lie.

        1. Hi Zamioculcas.

          Dumpers like to be in control of the breakup. It gives them power and tells them they’re right. Currently, he doesn’t want to be with you. So stay in no contact and improve your self-love.

          Best,
          Zan

  3. I’m experiencing the same thing, last time I greeted my ex-gf happy birthday and she responded with “Thanks and take care too” then the next day I asked for my remaining belongings to pick them up and she blocked me everywhere, I asked a mutual friend to tell her/mediate but she didn’t respond to her as well. What is she up to? It’s been 2 months now after our breakup, why would she deny me of my personal belongings, is she crazy?

    1. Hi Timz.

      It would seem that she doesn’t want to give you your stuff back. She doesn’t think you’re in a position to ask for favors – probably because she feels victimized. If your belongings can be replaced, I suggest you do that. It may not be worth reaching out and trying to change her mind.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  4. Hi Zan!

    Kind of in a similar situation here with my dumper ex of 6 years. We’ve been in no contact for almost 3 weeks now and just 2 weeks ago, he messaged my mom if he could send over my shoes back when I thought the last that I would hear from him was in 2023. They both had a consensus that it be delivered the next day with his last message as “Okay Tita, sorry for the inconvenience.” But to this day, he never did. This really upset both my mom and I because she expected the delivery. More so, she felt disrespected as he never gave a heads up. However, it got me thinking that he might have not sent it right away because he may (or may not) have finally brought my shoes to the shoe cleaning service I asked him to do months before our breakup (agreed that I would pay for it). But at this point, I really don’t mind getting them back at all, because during the times where I tried to fight for the relationship while he didn’t, none of his friends nor family replied to help me and I fought alone.

    Now, just yesterday, he messaged a close friend of mine asking if she was busy, only for my friend to find out his reason that “I have to give her shoes back haha.” This friend of mine lives almost one and a half hours away from where he lives when I literally am 20 minutes away from his place. Its impractical to have it delivered to her place than at mine where the outcome of me receiving it anyways would just be the same. My close friend replied that he should just have it delivered to my place, but once again, he never replied back.

    What could this mean?

    Why didn’t he even give a heads up to my mom nor did what he said he would?

    Why would he have a distant-living friend involved and didn’t just message my mom again?

    If he had the shoes cleaned, should I pay him back (bank transfer without breaking contact)?

    If he were to contact my mom again, does he deserved to be replied to? Should I just let him keep it when im doing great in my healing progress and peace of mind?

    Would love to hear your insight and answers to this!

    1. Hi Cher.

      It means he wants to avoid interacting with you and sending the shoes to your address. I don’t know why because it makes no difference whether he sends them to you or someone else. Something makes him uncomfortable, and I’m not sure what. He even changes his mind about sending them to your mom, so it’s quite weird.

      I think he got busy or scared and waited so long that he got scared of telling your mom he hadn’t sent the shoes. He could have messages your mom but decided to talk to your friend instead. He probably this this because he hesitated for so long and wanted to make a new agreement with someone else. If he doesn’t interact with you, I wouldn’t suggest reaching out and offering to pay. Consider it a gift for everything he put you through.

      If you’re doing okay and don’t urgently need your shoes, it may indeed be better to just let go of them. Stick to no contact.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  5. So what if my ex won’t come get their stuff? He’s the dumper and I have important stuff he’s going to need. I’m not paying to post it to his family in another state . I can’t drop it off as I don’t know where he lives. He knows I have it.

    1. Hi Rob.

      If he doesn’t collect his stuff for a year or so, you can probably dispose of his things in your preferred manner. He knows you could do that if he keeps stalling.

      Best regards,
      Zan

      1. Thanks Zan.

        I guess I’m wondering why the stall? He monkey branched elsewhere 2 months ago. Hoping to branch back if it fails probably.

        Great blog by the way. It’s been really helpful.

        Rob

        1. Hi Rob.

          Good question. Many dumpers do that. I suppose they like to avoid thinking about their ex and doing things for their ex. They want to think and do things that interest them, not their ex. Some rebel whereas others engage in self-distraction.

          Hang in there!
          Zan

  6. We ex still has and wear things that I bought and time to time i used to say wtf but now i know why your ex is keeping or using your stuff, know that your ex doesn’t associate bad breakup emotions with the things you’d bought or made.Thank you Zan ❤️

    1. Hi Linda.

      After a while, dumpees also tend to stop associating their ex’s gifts with the pain their ex has caused. They move on.

      Thanks for reading!

      Zan

    2. Forget emotions, property is property and if it is deemed valuable to you, no matter how small by not returning it is theft (simple as that), as long as you request it immediately ie within a few weeks. Get your stuff and get out of the toxic relationship and fast is my advice – the girl/guy is a control freak. if you have asked and they do not respond say within 7 days, call the police and make a report . Have something on file. The Relationship is over but hey , by doing this method you are doing the next guy a Huge favour

  7. I had the opposition situation: my ex refused to remove all her belongings from my apartment. And when I say belongings, I mean 14 hefty bags of clothing. She basically wanted to use my apartment as an off-season wardrobe. I had to pay to have them moved to her over her protests. She actually threatened to not return an heirloom engagement ring (my grandmother’s) if I made her take her stuff back. Unbelievable. And this after throwing our marriage away after six and a half years.

    1. Hi Doug.

      Your ex sounds highly manipulative. I’m sure you’re starting to see just how toxic your ex could be. She had very little regard for your feelings and heirloom and wanted things her way despite her ending the relationship.

      Zan

Leave a Reply

Scroll to Top