Why Is My Ex Hanging Out With My Friends?

There are a few possible reasons why your ex is hanging out with your friends. But those reasons likely have something to do with whether your ex is the dumper or the dumpee.

If your ex is the dumpee, your ex is probably clinging to your friends for information, closure, and support. He or she is using your friends to find out more about your post-breakup life and get closer to you. That’s because your friends are the only people in your life your ex can nonchalantly convince that you’re making a mistake and that you’ll regret dumping him or her one day.

It’s reasonable to assume that your ex lacks power and strength and doesn’t know how to regain control over his or her breakup emotions. That would imply that your ex is looking for reconciliation hope so he or she can keep anxiety low and under control.

But if your ex is the dumper, then your ex is likely just used to hanging out with your friends and doesn’t see a reason to stop talking to them just because the two of you broke up. Your friends have become your ex’s friends too, which means that your ex is going to keep doing what’s best for him/her.

Your ex is going to keep calling, texting, and meeting up with your friends—and you don’t even have the right to tell your ex or your friends to stop hanging out. All you can do is accept it and ask your friends to keep you in the dark about your ex.

That’s how you can make sure that your ex, your friends, and you all get what you want and rectify this unpleasant situation.

So even though your gut feeling is telling you to interfere with your ex’s friendship, try not to do that. I know that seeing your ex hang out with your friends can give you anxiety and make you uncomfortable, but technically, your ex has the right to be friends with whomever he or she wants – even with your friends and family.

It just sucks to see the people you trust the most get so close to someone you shouldn’t get close to. It can feel like they don’t have your best interests at heart or that they’re teaming up against you.

Whether you were dumped or did the dumping yourself, know that you’ll be okay! As long as the parties involved respect your boundaries and keep you out of their business, you’ll continue to detach and care about their friendship less and less every day. You’ll soon move on. And when you do, you’ll realize that whether they’re friends or best friends doesn’t make a difference in your life.

Your life goes on regardless.

In this post, we’ll talk about why your ex is hanging out with your friends and what you should do about it.

Why is my ex hanging out with my friends?

If your ex is the dumpee, your ex is hanging out with your friends because your ex likes it. Your ex wants to stay close to the people who have access to your life because they can give your ex valuable information and make your ex feel better about the situation he or she is in.

Your ex is likely holding on to your friends because they stay in touch with you. They know what you’re up to and how you’re doing, so they provide information that feeds your ex’s breakup obsession and empowers him or her in the right kinds of ways.

In ways that make your ex feel strong and more in control of the breakup.

Your ex can’t obtain recognition or knowledge from you directly because that would make your ex look weak and desperate. But he or she can obtain these things indirectly from your friends as your friends think it’s normal for him or her to ask questions and be curious about you. It comes off as being caring and respectful.

Little do they know that your ex wants to ease separation anxiety and reconcile with you as soon as possible.

Your ex just doesn’t know how because you’ve decided to permanently separate from him or her and are now focusing on your own needs.

That means your ex likely won’t stay friends with your friends forever. Not if your ex got closer to them only after the breakup because that would imply that he or she is likely using them for personal gain. For reasons that have nothing to do with getting along with them but rather with keeping tabs on you and having some kind of control over the painful situation.

If your ex dumped you, however, then you’re probably just overthinking things. Your ex likely befriended your friends a long time ago and doesn’t want to stop communicating and hanging out with them just because of the breakup. You may have introduced your ex to your friends, but that doesn’t mean their friendship was fake and meant to exist only for as long as you were around.

Whether they want to stay in touch after the breakup is up to them. They can become best buddies if they want to, but that doesn’t give them the right to pick favorites. They should still treat you with care and respect and not invite your ex to hang out with them when you’re there.

As long as you need space and your ex needs to heal, friendship with your ex would be very difficult. It’d be so difficult you’d trigger the opposite needs in each other (needs for space and validation) and risk hurting each other even more than you already have.

That’s why the best thing you can do is to let your ex and your mutual friends do what’s best for them. Your friends don’t owe you exclusive friendship just because you’d met them first. They should be nice to everyone and try their best not to pick sides.

That’s what mature friends do.

If you think that they’re listening to your ex’s side of the story and judging you for it, however, know that you don’t need to keep telling them why things happened the way they did and accuse them of believing your ex’s side of the story more than yours.

When it comes to mutual friendships after the breakup, it’s not about who’s more right or wrong. It’s about staying out of separated friends’ breakup business and supporting both parties as equally as possible.

Not all friends do that, of course. But if you feel that your friends aren’t on your side as much as they are on your ex’s—and you’ve expressed this to them, it may be for the best that you get some space from all of them.

Sometimes people pick sides—and there’s nothing you can do about it. In all honesty, you shouldn’t even have to do anything about it because they’re your friends and should have your back at all times. They should support you through thick and thin even if they don’t agree with some of the things you said or did.

My advice is that you continue to meet up with your friends and not change anything about the dynamics of your friendships unless you notice that your friends’ behavior is affecting you emotionally and delaying your healing.

If it’s hurting you, then you should make sure they understand their behavior is hurting you. If they change what they’re doing, that’s great. You can continue hanging out with them.

And if they don’t, then you can distance yourself from them without any prior warning. You needn’t put up with them if you think they’re bringing you down rather than supporting you.

Always remember that your friends aren’t there to judge you and put you down. They’re there to express their opinion and uplift you even if they don’t agree with you.

In the infographic below, you will learn why your ex is hanging out with your friends.

What to do if my ex is hanging out with my friends?

There’s not much you can do when your ex continues to hang out with your friends. You can ask your friends to stop what they’re doing if you think they’re being disrespectful to you somehow, but other than that, you need to accept the breakup.

Doing so will show you’re being mature and respectful of your ex and your friends and prove that you don’t mind them hanging out together and that you don’t feel threatened. Not even if your ex betrayed you and hurt you more than anyone else in this world.

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest one.

So gather your strength and try to brush it off. The chances that your ex is befriending your friends on purpose just to hurt you are small. It’s much more likely that he or she has always been friends with them, that your ex wants to put in some extra effort to remain close to your friends, or that your ex is just trying to get closer to you.

If your ex wants you back, you can’t blame your ex for hurting and wanting to get closer to you. It’s anxiety and the inability to handle the breakup confidently that are making your ex do what he or she is doing. So rest assured that when enough time goes by, that anxiety and the expectations that come with it will disappear.

That’s when your ex will probably give up on staying friends with your friends as well. Your ex won’t see a reason to remain close to them because the main reason for hanging out with them will be gone.

All you have to do until that happens is wait. Wait for your ex to heal and get over the breakup. That’s because your ex will either stop being close with your friends or you’ll stop caring about your ex hanging out with them.

Either way, you’ll put this concern behind you soon.

It’s probably hard to see things rationally right now because emotions are interfering with your rational thinking. But give it a few months and you’ll no longer feel or think the way you do right now. Time will heal your wounds and change your ways of thinking.

So don’t make any drastic decisions just yet. Don’t do it unless your friends prefer your ex and make you feel underappreciated, unsupported, and hurt you a lot.

My ex Ignores me but talks to my friends

When your ex ignores you but talks to your friends, it’s evident that your ex needs time to himself/herself. Your ex needs time to self-prioritize so he or she can get rid of the negative emotions incited by the breakup. This includes resentments, fears, and any unhealthy associations your ex has associated with you before, during, and after the breakup.

If you try to force your ex to process the breakup emotions quicker than he or she can, I can tell you that you’ll get much more than just ignored. You’ll also get blocked and maybe even reported to your friends or the police. You could get a restraining order against you and look like a crazy obsessed ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend who won’t take the hint it’s time to move on.

I’m not sure where you’re staying, but the country I live in usually isn’t very understanding of the pain dumpees go through after the breakup. More often than not, they shun dumpees rather than sympathize with them and support them. This is because they see things rationally and judge dumpees for their highly emotional decisions.

So don’t try to force your way into your ex’s life.

When your ex ignores you, he or she sends a message that reads: “I don’t want to speak with you anymore. You need to find your own strength to carry on because I don’t have the strength and patience to do it for you.”

A lot of people think that ignoring others is the right thing to do. They even justify and try to normalize ignoring, blocking, and ghosting behavior by saying it’s okay to put themselves first and avoid toxic people. But they don’t understand that the person they’re ignoring has feelings too and that he or she deserves answers and respect.

This means they’re responsible for easing their ex’s anxiety until their ex makes emotional progress and can handle anxiety on his or her own.

Ignoring an ex is never the morally right thing to do. But, unfortunately, ignoring is all your ex can do at this moment. His or her self-control (emotional strength), morals, communication, and mentality just aren’t strong enough to reply to you and tell you why you shouldn’t communicate.

These things are lacking, so don’t expect your ex to handle highly difficult emotional situations well. Your ex first needs to get some space to cool off and realize that he or she overreacted.

I’m not saying your ex will definitely realize your worth and apologize, but if he or she does, it will be thanks to the rules of no contact.

So if you want the best for yourself and everyone involved, leave your ex be and find closure on your own. Your ex clearly won’t give it to you, so talk to your friends and family, sign up for therapy, and build yourself back up. When you’ve healed, you’ll realize that a person who ignores you at your worst doesn’t deserve you at your best.

Is your ex hanging out with your friends and it bothers you? Let us know what you plan to do about your ex below the article.

And if you’re looking for someone to discuss your ex’s breakup behavior with and need help, sign up for our 1-on-1 coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.