When You Break Up Because Of Depression

Believe it or not, depression is one of the main causes of breakups. Depression affects couples gradually and can erode the relationship over time if nothing is done about it. It can make them fall out of love with themselves and then each other.

The worse the depression is and the less understanding and prepared couples are, the bigger the chance that depression will significantly change the dynamics of the relationship and cause a separation.

Of course, not all couples break up when they fall into depression (some find a way to live with it and deal with it). But, unfortunately, many break up because they get exhausted and let their weakened relationship mentality affect their connection and the purpose of the relationship.

They stop thinking about ways to bond and express gratitude and worry more about their own problems and unhappiness rather than the relationship.

Their lack of care tends to create emotional distance between them and makes them feel empty, unloved, and hopeless.

Depressed couples feel pressured into doing things they don’t want to do. Since they have very little or no energy to spare, their direct or indirect expectations suffocate each other and force them to think, speak, or behave in ways that exhaust and hurt them. Even simple relationship things such as chores and obligations, intimacy, traveling, and going on dates overwhelm them because they feel no desire or excitement.

All they want is to focus on their depression, preserve their energy, and feel in control of their emotions.

Depression is a serious medical illness. Those who become depressed often want to feel better, but don’t have the will to find help. They want help to come to them and improve their mental health. If they decide to see a specialist, they may learn where their depression stems from and what they can do about it.

But ultimately, overcoming depression is their responsibility. No one can do the internal work for them. Others can advise them and emotionally support them, but other than that, they can’t push them out of depression themselves. Depressed individuals must understand how depression is affecting them and gather the strength and willpower to stop it.

They can do that by altering their thoughts, changing their unhealthy beliefs, getting rid of bad habits such as smoking and drinking, exercising more, socializing, learning new skills, and keeping their brains engaged.

If they’re in a relationship, they must have their partner’s full support. When they feel down, they must talk about their thoughts and feelings and not get criticized for them. Likewise, they must express how they’d like their partner to support them. Would they want a lot of compassion, reassurance, communication, and hugs or do they prefer to have space and time to think about their problems?

Every person deals with depression and negative thoughts and feelings in general differently. You must learn how your partner wants to be supported during a sudden attack of depression. That’s if you know your partner is depressed. If you don’t know your partner has mental health problems, it gets a bit more difficult.

You must learn how to detect depression and general sadness or unhappiness. Once you’ve learned how your partner functions/behaves when he or she is unhappy, you must talk to your partner about it. Start a conversation and see if you can do anything to help and not make things worse.

Your partner will appreciate your thoughtful gesture.

It’s not your job to do all the work for your significant other, but not all people communicate their emotions in a healthy manner. Many people (especially guys) hide their emotions from their partner and expect their partner to read their thoughts and support them in ways they want to be supported.

Such people eventually get fed up with their partner and leave when the relationship becomes unbearable. They discern that the relationship takes too much work and that they can be happier without their partner.

In today’s post, we shed some light on what to do when you break up because of depression and when your ex might come back.

When you break up because of depression

If you broke up because of depression, it’s probably already too late to look for solutions. The relationship has already ended, so there’s not much you can do to make things better. You can only avoid making things worse by giving your ex the space he or she needs to self-prioritize.

If you call your ex and pester him or her to get back together, you’ll make your ex feel the kind of emotions he or she felt at the end of the relationship and risk bringing a negative reaction out of your ex. You won’t show that you care about his or her feelings, but rather, that you don’t understand and care about them.

Your actions will prove that you’re reaching out for yourself and your unmet needs and feelings, which will, in turn, suffocate your depressed ex even more.

So don’t try to fix things now that you got dumped. Your ex may not despise you, but your ex does associate negative feelings with you, He or she knows you have romantic expectations and that reaching them right now would be impossible.

Your ex left because your behavior or presence demanded him or her to invest more time and energy into the relationship than he or she was willing to invest. You indirectly caused your ex to get overwhelmed and feel the need to be alone.

Depressed people often push their partners away. They may be sad, anxious, and miserable, but they don’t want their partner close to them despite that. The reason for that is a lack of energy and willpower to grow the bond. Their partner exhausts them rather than empowers them, so they conclude they can be happier in their own company.

Their depression doesn’t get better that way, but at least it doesn’t get worse. They’re okay with that because at least they can avoid feeling pressured and frustrated. They can wallow in misery and do what they want to do.

So if your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend left you because of depression, bear in mind that love alone can’t save a relationship. Love can’t resolve internal problems. It can only make it better, provided that both parties understand depression and take active measures to address it.

This information won’t help you with your current relationship, but it might help you in the next one, whether you get back with your ex or find someone else to date. Most people deal with depression at least once in their life. Knowing how to deal with depression and support your partner could ease your suffering and save your relationship.

Anyway, breaking up because of depression isn’t easy. Your ex may not directly blame you for the demise of the relationship, but you still have to deal with rejection, separation anxiety, and perhaps even depression of your own. Your ex’s suffering makes it harder for you to express yourself properly and process the separation because you can’t even hold your ex responsible for falling out of love.

Your conscience tells you your ex fell sick and that it’s your fault for not knowing how your ex felt and what he or she needed to deal with depression.

The truth though is that your ex needed to open up to you about his or her depression and take a more active approach in dealing with depression. Your ex needed to start changing his or her thought patterns by signing up for therapy and engaging in introspection.

Temporarily, your ex could have also considered taking antidepressants. Medications wouldn’t have eliminated the issues behind depression, but they would have eased his or her suffering, overwhelm, and negative thinking. Chances are the breakup would have been prevented or at least delayed for the duration of the medication.

So know that it’s not your fault your ex left you because of depression. It’s your ex’s fault for not taking action and preventing negative thoughts and feelings from leaking into the relationship.

Breakups caused by depression can be prevented, provided people identify their depression, seek professional help, and confide in their partner. They must work on their mental health and their relationship as well. If they argue a lot (especially in unhealthy ways), they could run out of patience and energy to stay committed.

They could leave when they get overwhelmed and want to be alone with their depression.

With that said, here’s why you broke up because of depression.

What to do when you break up because of depression?

If you broke up because of depression, you couldn’t do anything to dissuade your ex from leaving. Your ex had made up his or her decision long ago and wanted you to respect it. Relationship topics no longer interested your ex because your ex disconnected emotionally and felt relieved and in control of the breakup.

The only thing left to do was to talk about post-breakup boundaries and wish your ex well.

Your ex may have been depressed, but that doesn’t mean your ex wanted your help. Your ex figured that the best and quickest way to deal with the consequences of depression (sadness, irritation, and lack of energy) was to push you away and let you worry about your own problems.

By focusing on your problems and life, you could leave your ex in charge of the breakup and depression.

You must never try to help an ex deal with depression after he or she dumped you. Remember that your ex doesn’t want your help and that your ex associates stress and pain with you. As long as your ex perceives you as a threat to his or her health and well-being, your ex doesn’t want you anywhere near him or her.

Your presence traps and guilt-trips your ex and causes your ex to want to run for the hills as quickly as possible.

Some dumpers also use depression as an excuse for breaking up. They claim to have been depressed for weeks when in reality, they were just unhappy in the relationship and wanted out. Such dumpers often start dating someone new immediately after the breakup and become “depressed” in the next relationship as well.

They become unhappy because they do nothing to change their thinking and relationship patterns. They merely expect better results.

So what should you do when you’re breaking up because of the breakup?

During the breakup/closure conversation, figure out how your ex feels and why your ex feels that way. Did your behavior contribute to your ex’s depression or did your ex just lose the drive to maintain the relationship? Ask lots of questions to understand how you could have dealt with depression and relationship problems better.

If you give your ex a safe space to open up, your ex may admit that you didn’t do as well as you could have and that you’re both responsible for breaking up.

If you don’t encourage your ex to be honest, however, your ex will likely use breakup excuses and say things like, “It’s not you, it’s me, I still love you, I don’t want a relationship right now, I want to work on myself, I need to fix myself.”

Your ex will take the blame for the breakup and make you think that nothing could have been done to prevent the breakup; that you were both just unlucky and caught in circumstances beyond your control. An ex who implies such things wants you to accept the reasons for breaking up and cut him or her some slack.

He or she has no energy left to fall back in love and fix the relationship. Love requires a certain amount of effort. In simple words, he or she just wants to be left alone and enjoy space and quiet. You must let your ex do that or you’ll trigger unwanted feelings within your ex and see sides of your ex you haven’t seen before.

Depression or not, a breakup is still a breakup. You must treat it like an ordinary breakup or you’ll keep looking over your shoulder, expecting your ex to come back once he or she has dealt with depression.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen very often. Dumpers need a negative incentive to come back to their ex. They need to date someone incompatible to compare him or her to their ex and miss their ex romantically.

Pain and nostalgia can cause them to engage in reflection and see that leaving their ex was a huge mistake.

So if you want to reconcile with an ex who left you because of depression, don’t treat your ex any differently than other exes. By all means, be more understanding and compassionate, but don’t insist on helping your ex deal with depression. Depression isn’t the only thing holding your ex back from being with you.

Your ex also thinks of you as an energy drainer who can’t make him or her happy.

This could change when your ex processes the breakup, deals with depression, and gets his or her hopes and expectations crushed (by someone else). That’s when your ex could reach out and ask to get back together as quickly as possible.

Until your ex changes his or her mind, focus on your happiness instead. You have to improve your happiness before you can attract and keep your ex.

Did you break up because of depression? What did your ex say to you during the breakup? Share your breakup story in the comments section below the post. We look forward to your comments!

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.