When a guy says he needs to find himself, he’s not being very honest with you.
He’s actually using one of the typical breakup excuses rational guys use in order to ensure a guilt-free breakup for themselves.
I say guilt-free because an ex using this excuse hates making you cry and seeing you hurt.
He feels guilty for breaking up with you and dislikes being the bad guy for selfishly terminating his relationship with you.
But guilt, unfortunately, doesn’t mean that he regrets breaking up with you or that he’s going to return in the near future.
It merely means that he’s unhappy about breaking your heart and seeing your heartbroken reaction.
Today, we’re going to talk about what it means when a guy says he needs to find himself. We’ll also talk about similar breakup excuses that mean the same thing.
When a guy says he needs to find himself
In order for your ex to avoid feeling distressed, your ex needed to find a way to stop having a guilty conscience.
He needed to come up with a trick that minimizes your self-blame and consequently, promotes his well-being.
After some thinking, he finally found it.
He found a way to kill two birds with one stone and told you one of the following excuses:
- I need to find/fix myself
- I want to focus on myself
- It’s just a break
- It’s not you, it’s me
- I need time to myself
- I’m confused
- I hate myself for doing this
- I want to become a better person
- I’m not good enough for you
- I don’t deserve you
If your ex’s final words were something along those lines, you need to know that your ex intended to move on as quickly and painlessly as possible.
He wanted to achieve this by telling you a bunch of half-truths and get rid of you in a swift and effective manner.
Here’s what him finding himself really meant.
What about you? How did his deceit and manipulation tactics affect you?
For starters, we already know that him lying about the reasons behind the breakup didn’t help you improve them.
His lies gave you a false sense of closure and gave you hope that he’ll return.
Since he basically said that “It’s not you, it’s him,” you now truly expect him to come back after he’s “found himself.”
You sincerely believe that if you just give him a little bit of time that he’ll return and love you again. Maybe he’ll finally appreciate you, change as a person, and love you stronger than before.
It could happen, right?
Well, the truth is that anything can happen. But if there’s anything I learned from working in the breakup field is that you can’t ever take the dumper’s promising words for granted.
Your ex probably promised you the world in the relationship once already and failed to fulfill his promises.
And if he didn’t, he let you down now and made you suffer way more than you deserve.
And that’s precisely why holding on to your ex’s false and undefined promises sounds absolutely ridiculous.
Your ex feels emotionally drained from the end of the relationship, so the odds of him coming back before he experiences life without you are very tiny.
Although it varies per person and the experiences he or she went through, your ex needs at least a few months to change the way he thinks and feels about himself and you.
Something emotionally challenging has to occur to him before he’s ready to do some soul-searching and realize your worth.
So even though your ex could have a change of heart and come back in the future, clinging on to hope won’t make your post-breakup time any easier on you.
Far from it.
The truth is that it will likely make you anxiously anticipate your ex’s every move and prevent you from enjoying life for a very long time.
Hoping your ex sticks to his words and comes back to you could also make you so obsessed with your ex that you end up stalking him online and offline and expect him to come crying back by a certain date.
But when he doesn’t do that or doesn’t live up to your expectations and starts dating someone else, the real breakup will begin.
Your world will flip upside down and the pain will make you sorry that you didn’t stick to the indefinite no contact rule from the beginning.
He doesn’t intend to come back
It’s no secret that a guy who “needs to find himself” is very unhappy with his current relationship and/or the life he’s living.
He’s probably not very happy with various things in life—including his relationship with you, so he’s now taking some time to himself to “figure himself out.”
Your ex basically wants to see if he misses you and wants you back after he’s spent some time without you or with someone else.
But you and I both know that love doesn’t work that way.
You either love and appreciate a person or you don’t.
There is no middle ground!
Saying “I love you just a little bit” certainly doesn’t make any person happy.
Such behavior would deprive a person of love and recognition—and as a result, gradually, help him or her detach from the relationship.
So try to understand your ex’s actions for what they are and see that he doesn’t love you anymore.
He stopped loving you and detached from you, so he now feels confused about his feelings for you.
In all honesty, he probably doesn’t even know what he wants anymore.
But I do.
I can tell you that what he’s secretly asking for is not just a bit of time to think about you and his abandoned relationship.
He’s actually asking for some unfortunate event that could help him want you and need you in his life.
In other words, your ex needs to rebound with someone or fully experience the grass is greener syndrome to realize your worth.
Your ex is confused
Your ex probably felt confused about what he wants in life.
But this doesn’t mean that he views you in the best light.
He still thinks that you’re the one responsible for his lack of happiness and direction in life.
And that’s why he told you that he needs to find himself and become happy with himself again.
This breakup excuse required very little effort on his end and manifested the best results for him.
All he needed to do to keep you quiet and leave him alone was to come up with a few self-blaming excuses—and the rest would take care of itself.
So if your ex willingly took responsibility for the breakup by lying to you, he didn’t respect you or himself enough to tell you the truth.
He only cared about running away from you and minimizing the damage his selfishness has caused to him.
He protected himself
Your ex knows that telling you the truth would hurt you badly and bring out a very anxious reaction.
He’s also aware of the fact that your response would unavoidably put pressure on him and cause him more pain and anxiety.
And that’s just something his weakened mentality can’t afford to go through.
Seeing you heartbroken would make him feel even more guilty than he already feels, so your ex instead went with plan B.
He took the blame for the breakup and let you blame him rather than yourself.
In doing so, he didn’t see you as sad as he would have had he told the truth—so he strategically alleviated his guilt.
This is why your ex-boyfriend’s “It’s not you, it’s me, I need to find myself,” and other self-blaming, final words are merely an excuse to justify his abandonment.
They are a sign that he regrets hurting you, seeing you sad—and that he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend anymore.
If your ex-boyfriend broke up with you and told you that he needs to find himself before he comes back, his excuse meant the following things:
- The guy stopped loving you.
- He doesn’t understand why he can’t be with you and feels confused.
- He feels guilty for breaking your trust and wants to let you down gently.
When a guy says he needs time to figure himself out
If your ex told you he needs time to figure himself out or to work on himself, he essentially meant that he doesn’t value his relationship.
Whether it was his work, friends, illness, or a lack of ambition that was making him unhappy doesn’t really matter because your ex marked you as one of his main stressors.
He identified you as the person who prevents him from enjoying his life the way he expects to enjoy it and started to feel less and less happy every day.
Eventually, his negative thoughts of you accumulated so many bad emotions that his unhappiness turned into exhaustion and revulsion.
And that’s when he told you that “he needs to work on himself” and improve his overall emotional well-being.
In simple terms, he basically had to get rid of you to be happy—and do it in a way that would create the least stress.
So once again, if your ex told you he needs time to get his life in order, he lied to you.
He meant that he wants to chase after his happiness without you and see whether he misses you and thinks about you.
He won’t come back when he becomes happy
When a guy says he needs to find himself or gives you some other pitiful excuse, you need to understand that he doesn’t trust you with his happiness—nor love you enough to stay with you.
As difficult as it may be to hear, the guy wants to ditch you and work on his unhappiness on his own.
So don’t think that your ex chasing after his own dreams means that he’ll come back after he’s found his happiness.
It’s quite the opposite.
After he’s become happy, he’ll realize he doesn’t need you anymore and probably start dating someone else.
The only reason why he would come back is if he doesn’t find happiness and fails at creating the life he envisioned for himself.
Couples solve problems together — not without each other
Couples who respect each other, talk and confide in each other.
They solve their interpersonal as well as private issues with communication and continuously express gratitude in a healthy manner.
By openly expressing themselves, they grow their love and affection for each other and bond on a level that binds them together.
Your relationship with your ex, however, doesn’t work the same way.
Since your ex isn’t your partner anymore, there is no more love, respect, and gratitude.
Your ex said no to teamwork and voluntarily destroyed the whole foundation of your relationship.
He did it because he believed you were making him unhappy.
If he loved you, he would work with you, not against you
If your ex appreciated you for the person you are, he wouldn’t push you away even if he was depressed.
He would instead ask you to support him and be understanding of the difficulties he’s facing.
But since he didn’t ask for your cooperation, your ex soon came up with different plans for you.
He decided to discard you and tell you that he needs to find himself and better himself as a person just so you would give up on him faster.
Did your ex say he needs to find himself or give you some other “It’s not you, it’s me” excuse? Comment below and let me know.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
My ex broke up with me the day after our anniversary. We got into a small argument over something he miscommunicated to me, he has communication problems in general since English isn’t his first language. He told me that he needed time for himself, he wasn’t happy and he wanted time and to figure himself out. No warning of this, and these past few months were the best our relationship ever went, we didn’t argue and every time we saw each other we were always laughing, smiling, and had a lot of plans for the upcoming holidays like travelling. He told me he still loved me & wanted me to be in his life however? Wanted us to remain as friends and is only looking for friends right now. He also told me the day after our breakup he plans to get back with me in the future, yet today he said he never wants to get back with me. It’s not even been a week since the breakup and he’s already switching the story? I feel betrayed to be honest, he knows I’ve been struggling a lot recently too. I wish that he had told me sooner so we could’ve done something about it to fix it. I’m really crushed, this happened really recently too and I would like answers from someone who has been in a similar situation as I’m in right now, so it’s not so difficult for me to get through.
Hi Isabella.
Your ex may have seemed okay until the end, but you must remember that he didn’t express his problems. He has issues communicating difficult emotions, which is why they grew in size over time and forced him to lose feelings for you.
Whatever you do, don’t take his plans to reconcile at some point in the future seriously. If he wanted to get back with you, he would have done that already. Now that he left, you need to cease all communication with him and start moving on. It’s what he’s asked for and what you need to be happy.
Best regards,
Zan
My boyfriend broke up with me last night. He told me after he said “ I need to work on myself” “ I don’t deserve you” etc that he does not feel attracted to me as a woman. He told me he adores me but didn’t say sorry for hurting my feelings. He told me it was not me but him. I just feel like a fool and wasted so much of my effort and time on him.
Hi Cris.
Your ex was afraid of hurting you, so he gave you some typical breakup excuses. Guys often do that because they’re afraid of the reaction their girlfriend will give them. That’s why they just take all the blame and walk away peacefully.
Stay strong,
Zan
Cyan, he had moved out and said that, days after this post he came home, only to leave again 10 days ago. My ex is diagnosed with Schizotypal pd and I’m sure it has a part to play but he displays typical characteristics found in these blogs. Feel free to reach out. I just saw this now.
this is odd to read, this just happened to me. today he left. Nicole we should chat because we are in the same situation
What if he didn’t break up with me and says those things and wants to stay committed but needs time? For example he says something like this “We are together committed with the intention of being married but I need a little time to work on myself and clear my thoughts” He has asked for time away from talking to me. I will respect it.
He has issues he has to work on I know that and some things I can’t help him with. It hurts he is wanting that space but if he isn’t breaking up with me I hope it’s not going to hurt our relationship in the end.
My ex just broke things off with me to fix himself. Mainly he is a negative person stemming from not being capable of fully loving someone because he feels numb feelings for anyone inside. We were fighting alot and getting easily irritated with each other but I kept on trying to communicate with him and the stresses of fighting was too much for him that he said he needs to be happier and fix himself so that he can not drag anyone else down. I don’t want to be the practice girlfriend but the one the guy fights for instead of changing and finding the love of their lives. It’s so frustrating. I love hard and was hoping he would love more in the end after trying to show him love but he wants different things than me and I just feel like if he was so broken, he should of fixed himself before getting into a serious relationship. And now of course I feel regret for fighting or blaming myself for things. He is being so kind now and we seem to be getting along more it just would of been nice to get along and being together at the time.
Hello! I’m in a strange situation. I’m 24 and he is 34. We live in different countries and we had a beautiful story. We met in his country when I was there. After that we had had 2 beautiful dates before I returned to my home. After 2 months he texted me that he wants to come to visit me but I told him that I already have a plans to travel so I invited him to come with me and he accepted. We spent 5 beautiful days together, everything was perfect. We was very nice, very gentile… He was writing me a romantic notes, organising little surprises and after that we started a relationship. He invited me to his home for the holidays and we spent 1 week together, he introduced me to his mother, his father and cousins. He asked me if I want to be officially his girlfriend. When I was returning home we were talking and texting every day. He was saying that he misses me, that he wants to be with him, that I took his heart and that he was never been so open to someone before. Another 2 times I went for 1-2 weeks at his home and we were having a great time, we were feeling both happy. He was always saying that he is sure and he had never had any doubts about us. He was telling me that when I finish my college I can move with him and that we have the whole life to spend together. He was saying that he wants me close to him, to sleep next to him and my place to be with him and somewhere together. He was crying with me when I was living to go home because my college is in my home country and I had just 10 months left to graduate. The relationship continued like this for 6 months. After that I went to him for the summer with oneway ticket and we spent 5 months living together. He was talking about serious things with me. We was asking me if I want to have a pet together and he was taking me with him to watch for a bigger house, he was talking about what job I can find there. We talked even for the option to move to another country together. He told me that he loves me and he can’t imagine spending more time alway from me and that he don’t want to leave me and wants to take care of me and protect me and he was taking care of me all the time. He was saying that for now he is not completely independent because he wants to make changes in his work, he wants to start a business and also he wants to buy his own home because for now is living in a rental home. He has a lot of plans for a better future. We never had any fights and we had only good moments. At the end of the summer I had to return to my home to do some important things there. He was saying that this time without me will be very difficult and it’s a lot of time and he doesn’t know how he will live these 50 days without me. When I left we continued to talk on the phone like before, he was telling me that he wants me next to him, that he is sad that I’m not there and he wants to live the days but without me he can’t and I was always replying that this days apart will pass fast and that I can’t wait to see him and to return to him. But after a few days he became very cold, like ice. I asked him if I did something wrong and he said that I’m running and I want everything to happen very fast in our relationship and he doesn’t want this. At the beginning we were doing everything slower and he wants to continue in this way and now he is not sure if we did the right thing to live together for all this months. He said that he was completely honest with everything that he had told me before and also that now is honest too. He said that want to have serious relationship and he was looking at me always seriously but to make this he needs to be completely sure and now he is not. On the next days he told me that he doesn’t like to be cold with me and also doesn’t like to feel that I’m cold with him but now he doesn’t feel that he can do the same things as before. He said that he had always a great time with me and he was always happy but now when he is alone he is thinking more and it isn’t like before for him anymore. I told him that for me he is very important and I want to build together the relationship and to talk but if he doesn’t want to be in this relationship I can’t make him stay. On the next day he told my brother, which is a friend of his, that he felt a very big responsibility and he is not ready to take it. After that almost a month there was nothing from him. I started thinking and I realise that we make a mistake starting living together this summer because from a fresh new couple very fast we became like a married couple. Before 1 week we talked again and he told me that he felt all of this only when I left and he was alone, before that he wasn’t thinking about all of this. He said that I’m not the problem but he is because he is not feeling okay with himself and he needs first to find a way to be fine with himself so he can be into a relationship. He said that he wants to build a serious relationship but now he is not feeling that he is ready and he wants this right now. He didn’t want to waste my time or his and at first he didn’t have any doubts but now he is not sure and he is not sure that this is working. He wanted to know if for me is okay to continue talking with him because for him I’m very important but he realise that if we talk maybe I will be hurt and he doesn’t want this. I asked him if we communicate, we are doing it like friends and he answered that I can’t be more than a friend like I was before but also I can’t be only a friend for him because I have always been more than a friend. He wants if we communicate to be in a relationship without defining what exactly we are. I got even more confuse…
Hi,
Have known a man for over 20 years as a friend .
We knew each other’s lives and families but were married to different people . I’ve always had a crush on him but never acted upon it even when I was divorced. I never thought he’d be interested in me . One day we got to chatting and one thing led to another. He asked me out and it went from there. I asked in the very beginning what’s expected. I did because I’ve always had feelings for this man but never told anyone or acted on it . He was always the guy that was my one adult crush for life lol. He too said he always had a crush on me . He’s 56 & I’m 50, (everyone thinks I’m 32 , he often said I don’t look my age) .
Very similar backgrounds , likes and dislikes.
In the beginning I asked and he responded let’s be friends and see where it goes . Well it went on to a very good place . We spent time together each week . He’d text me every day with kisses and how he missed me at times . It’s like even with our work schedules his texts or phone calls was like he was right there . At times I’d give him a break to spend time with his kids and never bothered him when he had time with them but he’d still text to say hi . I’d keep it brief, I’m all about respect with his time space etc.
He retired . I’m still working . Then I noticed small changes like seeing him less . Which I understood because he never had time to visit his family before . But he still texted etc . While he was busy I worked over time and found other things to do . I moved and he found time to help me , even made a big purchase for me as a surprise.
I saw him one day at my new place and he went to a family function. After that COVID affected us both I notice even more changes . I asked what’s going on because I’m hearing less is everything ok with the family etc. He told me the changes in his life . I had some in mine too but handled it . He finally told me he needed time and space to breathe and to get his life together. To not wait for him and date other people if I want to . They might give me what I deserve. I told him YOU DONT GET THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO… he then said we will always be friends he’s just trying to figure out his life right now with every thing that’s going on .
It was like in our 3rd year and I felt like the rug was snatched from under my feet but I respect his decision. You can’t force or make people love you . He occasionally texted me and wished me happy birthday etc. Life isn’t the same but I’m making it the best for myself . Did I cry yes . Did it hurt yes . Hell I lost a best friend and someone I trust & love . Never loved anyone before like I love him and that’s why it hurts so much . But I have myself and family to worry about . I stay busy . He’s still on my mind but I have myself to maintain and I know my worth . My very few friends think he’s being genuine but they think the latter part might be a test . I dont know, It was all a shock to me . The way he fit into my life, he doesn’t understand. If it’s not him , I’d rather be alone. This hurt me to my core but I will be ok .
I love him ,things we shared and did ive never done with anyone else . I don’t do drama and I respect people’s decisions. Since that day I’ve been taking care of ME . Working and spending time with my family.
I dont think he’d come back to me and that’s the mind set I’d have to keep to protect myself .
Pray Eat Live Laugh often.
Self love is the best love you can have !
Be well all !
Whoa, this hit the nail on the head for me. My ex broke things off 3 weeks ago. Long story short, he started working with a co worker again who he admitted to being attracted to and would spend his breaks with. After I told him it made me uncomfortable, he agreed to not spend lunches with her anymore. Not even a week later he text me while at work saying he wasn’t happy with anything in his life and that he’s not sure he can be with anyone until he likes and respects who he is and that knowing how upsetting the whole co worker thing was for me, it made him feel bad, so he broke up with me. Ended things just like that. I’m heartbroken to say the least.
Hello, I have been with a really great guy for over 2 years. We live 1.5 hours away. He is 57 (adult kids) and I am 49 (with two kids 13b 15b). We saw each other on weekends and once a week. We went on many trips together in those 2 years and felt that we were very compatible in many ways. We spoke of the future and planned on living together and getting married after my boys finished HS and I would move to his neck of the woods. Not sure if it was the corona virus or what, but he started getting overly busy told me that the drive was wearing on him, so I started to drive to his place once a week to help with that (we both drove once a week). He started giving me excuses in June not to see me as often. In the beginning of July he said he needed space, that he was overwhelmed and felt he couldn’t give me what I wanted (he has been divorced for over 17 years and had 2 1 year relationships where they broke up and got back together several times). So I gave him space, let him call/text and waited to respond. 2 weeks later he needed a break. I got tired of being in limbo not knowing if I would see him AND him choosing to golf every day. After not seeing each other for almost 2 weeks I told him we could either work on his stress and our relationship together and give it 110% or I was done. See, he would tell me that he loves, adore and misses me….
He told me he was leaning towards breaking up and that’s when I said goodbye. A few days later he sent me an email saying that he loves, adores, misses our time together (said it 3 times in this email), but that he is struggling to find the balance each one of us needs….That seems like a bunch of crap to me. Just an easy excuse to not be with me anymore.
Hi Zan
i was dating a guy for about 5 months, and said he left his ex because of this reason ‘he wasn’t himself with her’. (he had broken up with his ex about 6+ months before meeting me)
We were very compatible and things were quite natural between us, but ended because he said i was moving too fast.
My evil, but incredibly loyal friend soon saw he was on dating apps, and blocked him for hurting me (i told her not to…)but after this happened he went back to his ex (assuming because he had no choice).
Given you said ‘ex needs to rebound with someone or fully experience the grass is greener syndrome to realize your worth.’
do you think him going back to his ex is genuine or will he soon come back to me?
Hello. My husband just recently asked me if I was happy in our relationship. Having heard this once before with an ex I knew that my yes wouldn’t change his mind. We talked for hours and come to find out that he has been unhappy for at least a year in our marriage. We have been together for 8 years total and through a long distance relationship and 3 deployments together. He mentioned things that had happened in the past from when we first got married 4 years ago and said that he couldn’t really let it go. He then proceeded to tell me that he didn’t know anything. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he still loves a lot and cares very deeply about me. But he also wants me to be happy. He kept telling me how unhappy I must be in our relationship.
I have been struggling with depression and sometimes I’ll bottle a lot of things up inside and then lash out at him. He’s mentioned it once before but only in a light matter never in a if this doesn’t change we are over. He kept referencing me lashing out at him as one of the causing for him being unhappy and said that I have really just changed.
I feel like he is dealing me every divorce line in the book: I need to find myself, I don’t know what I want, there no way YOU are happy, I want YOU to be able to find someone that makes you happy and so on. I reassured him how happy I was over and over and even gave examples of times throughout our marriage. We recently moved back to our hometown together after living someone secluded from all family and friends and I can’t help but feel like this is the cause for him not needing me anymore and for me no longer being want he wants. I just don’t get how he could be unhappy for so long and only just tell me two days ago.
We have been talking it to death and I even brought up counseling. We decided one night to work on us and not give up but last night when we spoke he was really leaning into saying he needs to find out what will make him happy. I told him to speak to someone since I have to get some leverage on it and when he did that they told him to do what makes HIM happy. I feel so lost and it does not help that he keeps telling me how much he loves me.
I have offered to give him space to go through and find himself. I have offered to rotate out of our home and not sleep in the same bed but he said he wants nothing more than for me to stay in the house with him and sleep in the same bed still. I just don’t understand how he is going to find out of if he needs me if I’m not leaving him at all and there’s no time without me.
Last night I spoke to him about giving him a free pass for text other women and to see if he can find what he really wants in his life. We have both been in other relationships before him and I got together and most of my relationships ending in me being cheated on or mental and physical abuse in my relationship. I have had sex with other guys besides him and do have a lot more experiences in different relationships. He spoke about this as well and made mention that I was the only women he ever slept with and of course his first so he doesn’t have the experience like I do to make a decision about me being the one for him and that will eventually make him happy.
I don’t know what to do. I want him to chose me if he says he loves me so much but I also don’t want to let him figure it out on his own Incase that feeling of love turns out fake. I would like to marriage counseling but I don’t want to hold him back if he believes he will be happier without me.
I met a guy last year, he told me he had a lot of problem & since I came into his life I made him happy, that he never felt this war before.
We got on so well, he told me not to let him push me away if he gets into depression again. He started drinking lots near the end. Woke up one morning to 3 drinking messages saying “ he can’t make me happy cause he can’t make himself happy and he tried to hard to get where he is for me but He is now there yet,
Was this a coward excuse to leave ?
It’s his reason, and that’s enough.
I met a man a year and a half ago who was going through a divorce (red flag #1) but had been separated for over a year so I felt safe. He is 53 and I am 50, he looks 60 and I look 45 lol. I decided for once in my life I would look at the heart instead of the appearance and as it turned out we were very compatible. He has 2 kids ages 21 and 16 and I have 3 kids ages 30, 21, and 16. Amazingly our kids got along great! He and I dated 4 months before we became intimate with each other, forming a friendship first was more important for him and I admired and respected him for that decision. He likes to have a few drinks almost every night after work and I didn’t see anything wrong with that because He never sounded drunk, was never mean or ugly, he was always the most loving and happy guy. It wasn’t until I actually fell in love with him his drinking started bothering me. My history is I was married to a beer drunk for 13 years and he was very verbally abusive and mentally unstable but I was always trying to fix him and save him. Yep, I am a fixer unfortunately! With this guy I didn’t feel that way, I didn’t think he needed fixing, he makes a good living, he takes care of himself financially, dresses nice, takes care of his kids, his home and he took care of me! He wined and dined me, he bought me nice things, it was definitely something I wasn’t used to and it just made me love him even more. Eventually his drinking started bothering me. When he started having more and more problems performing in the bedroom I blamed his drinking and smoking. I know it has taken a toll on his ego, he has expressed to me how much less of a man he feels because “it” quit working. We tried the pills but the side effects from that were awful so he just kind of gave up. Well I started bugging him about going to the doctor and getting a complete physical because I wasn’t happy about the lack of intimacy in our relationship. He was always very loving, very touchy, kissy, etc. but no sex. He was married for 20 years to a woman who apparently didn’t enjoy sex very much and so he said he learned to live without it for the most part and it just wasn’t as big of a deal to him as it was to me. All of this started bringing me down this past week, being hormonal didn’t help matters, and we started bickering a little. We made plans for him to come to dinner at my house one night this past week and the day of he called and said someone was coming over to buy his kids mountain bike and it was at the same time as dinner so I pretty much threw a fit. I told him how inconsiderate it was to do that and he acted like it wasn’t a huge deal and apologized. I said forget it, I just won’t be fixing dinner. Well I went ahead and fixed dinner and I had my daughter drive it to his house and he called me and said WOW I REALLY feel like a jerk now! Thank you, you didn’t have to do that but it is amazing. It was my way to try and make him feel bad I guess, he messaged me later and said he had thought about it and he was wrong, it was selfish of him and he apologized. We had a conversation on the phone a little while later and it got a little heated and I just flat out asked him what was going on, this wasn’t like him, did he just not want to be with me anymore? Needless to say he broke up with me. He said he didn’t think he was in love with me anymore. He still loved me and respected me but he needs to just do things on his own and “find himself”. I’ve cried and cried and tried talking to him about this because just 4 days prior he brought me flowers to work, he constantly messaged me I love you’s etc. It makes zero sense to me and I’ve lost lots of sleep just trying to figure out what in the hell is going on. We talked last night and the whole “I have never been alone, I’ve always been married, I’ve never just been “ME” without a significant other so I don’t know who I even am” sounds like a crock of crap to me. He is 53, he isn’t super attractive but his personality is big and definitely makes up for his lack of looks, but his smoking, drinking, and working so much has take a toll on his appearance, I feel like all he is going to do is continue on in this lifestyle but this time without me in his ear asking him to stop. I don’t think he realizes what he is losing and by the time he does it will be too late for me. I guess what I am asking is what I should do at this point, I feel like he could straighten himself out with me supporting him, I am having a hard time letting go I guess. Please give me some advice lol.
He told you he doesnt want to be with you. You cannot fix that. If he wanted to work on things with you, that’s what he would be doing. But he has CHOSEN to walk away from you, and he can do that as he pleases. The best advice would be to focus on the one thing you can control which is yourself. keep yourself distracted. Trying to work on something with someone who has told you they dont want to do so is not respecting their boundaries and rights. It’s also not respecting yourself. You are worth the love you want with someone who wantsthe same thing with YOU. Please try to be strong, this is very hard I wont say it will not be, but you can make it through.
You are 100% correct, thank you for that, I guess it is just such a kick in the teeth It is hard for me to accept. I didn’t include in my story what I did for him to help him through his divorce and selling his house while he worked out of town etc. but none of that really matters in his final decision. I feel used as hell and I hate that feeling. I appreciate your reply very much and I will do just that, work on myself and move forward.
I know it is hard to hear such a thing from someone you care for. I heard the same thing from someone I cared alot for and who proclaimed to care very much for me, but then a switch flipped in him and all ththe sudden hefelt nothing for me. It hurt alot, and I still think about it. But I tried to convince him to work on things with me, making a fool of myself while he had already told me, in so many words, he didnt want me in his life anymore. So, give him the gift of missing you. If he realizes he made a mistake, he will reach out. But dont reach out to him, at all. He madethe decision and it’s up to him to TRY to undo it if he decides to. At that point, you may realize you deserve better and won’t want him back at all. May I suggest to you a few YouTube channels that helped me through, thedatingguy and the love chat. The love chat also has a discord server where you can connect with other users in the same situation as you. It was very helpful to me and I gained alot of clarity from those outlets. I do wish you well and hope you feel better soon. It will be alright ❤
Hi Cat,
The absolute same story for me. He painted me this beautiful picture of never feeling like this ever with anyone else, loving me more everyday, talking about a future together and do on…and then he just didn’t feel the same anymore. A couple times he would mention needing time and he’s also a free spirit or wanderer so which had him be all over the place. He was very genuine in his feelings and the most caring individual in which, we really enjoyed our time together. My divorce is not final but I did feel at times at the end, that it did not help as he had a hard time dealing with it. When I felt sad, he did as well. He mentioned since the beginning needing to work on himself and grieve the loss of his grandmother and his daughter living across the world and sometimes just wanting to leave somewhere….to just go, like a free spirit. When he called it quits, he still somewhat wanted me in his life as he still saw me as a very important person in his life and he would tell me that all the time. I didn’t know if I could still be friends as I still love him and the said I couldn’t. We hadn’t talked much in a couple weeks and I reached out saying I was thinking of him. We talked about our relationship, etc but eventually he told me he met someone, without wanting too. They both had wanted to be alone and want nothing serious. It crushed me of course hearing the news. How can someone repeatedly tell me he needs to be alone and can’t be in a couple and needs to work on his past things that aren’t resolved and just like that, he’s with someone. I decided I needed to let him know how it made me feel and to be honest with him and to say goodbye.
But I still just don’t get it! How have things been for you since then. Are you still single?
Recently I broke up with a guy I was dating to for a month. I had a relationship person in every since the beginning I told him that, instead of telling me that he felt he wasn’t ready for relationship he told me the opposite he told me it was OK to fall for him I would come down my guard for the first time. then one day he just stop replying so I called him and called him until he finally answered. And by the time you did I had known we were done and I can feel it but I just didn’t wanna believe it until I talk to him because our bond that we have are just so different we talked for hours Staying up all night just wrapped in each others arms watching movies literally I felt like I was in love with the day before he ghosted me I was googling if He loved me. When I finally talk to him apologize for the way he did me but by the time I could tell we were done so I asked him are we done? I can’t get his yes we’re done out of my head he told me that he didn’t just only want sex he told me he didn’t only want to be friends with benefits he let me think it was OK to get feelings for him just to tell me he needs to work on himself. No I’m basically heartbroken and it’s the craziest thing to me because I’ve never felt this way and we didn’t even talk for that long. He claims that we can still be friends but guys don’t want to lose a good thing we wants to keep contact with me but I honestly can’t do it. I wanted to have sex with him for the last Time to show him what he’s missing out and know I won’t be having it for a long time. But most the time I think about him I just break down I just think about all the times we set a back and laughed and everything I told him and he told me. I know I know he truly liked me maybe even love Maybe that’s the reason. When I finally did talk to him after he ghosted me he told me that he’s never felt that way about anyone before and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings said he knew he was being a bitch and he apologized and we need to talking on the phone for an hour just basically me begging to get back with him but it’s not gonna happen and he already made up his mind We are 18 years old I’m about to get my GED. And he’s going to live pretty good college for football it is pretty good at it I mean I guess so I do understand that he needs a break but I just don’t know. Do I wait? Do I go. I don’t think necessarily Need to get to know myself because I know myself very well I love myself for who I am inside and out but people just keep doing me wrong I’m just tired of being hurt I didn’t have a call we ended on good terms ended up planning on fucking soon but I don’t know if my heart can take it I’m a literally break down in tears as were fucking and that’s OK But if I think that that just proves I shouldn’t be doing it I’ve never wrote a comment on anything I hope some people reply. But my question is should I give them time and let him grow on his own or should I just give up
My ex used most of these excuses, he was feeling depressed month or so prior. I did all he asked to help, gived him time and space, didnt speak about how it hurts me and consoled him and made positive and encouraging coments. We are long distance and he first asked not to write few days I did that, then he asked to write “normal”but without giving opinions or effecting his decisions. I was anxious and felt very bad but I was feeling sorry for him and hoping he will feel ok. Then he said he need fix himself, that he is garbage, that he doesnt deserve anything. In some moments he said he will be good person as before and stuff like that. I was believing all that. But reading your blog Im realising that mabye i was beeing blind. So we broked up, he saying he is afraid he will regret it and that he loves me… I think he is beeing selfish, making me feel worse and giving me false hope. Its been 5 days and it feels worse cause im overthinking now his reasons and thinking mabye he found smw else even he claim he didnt. I think he also has gigs becouse his therapist said him he should trymother options before deciding for me. And more I think about it more I think thats not how love works. You cant break up and date other people to see if you will find smw better. When you find smw you should stop searching otherwise you will search forever. He wanted continue talk as friends but i cant, so i said i cant write with him for now, he asked till when i said 2 weeks. Im putting him on NC. I have no appetite, feel nauseus, afraid this will make my health even worse then it is.
Hey, Zan
First of all I want to thank you for your amazing blog. Truly place to find solace at.
I’m trying to survive my break up at the moment. We had ldr for 2.9 years (irony, I was reading just a day before our break up that ldr statistically last for 2.9 years). First two years were awesome, we didn’t have fights at all, we used to video chat daily the first year and sometimes the second year, made calls more or less daily during the second year, chatted a lot. We only met twice face to face though on my vacations because our relationship was long distance indeed, needed complicated visas etc.
It went down on the last summer, he met a girl online, that he liked a lot. He was confused about how exactly he likes her, as a friend or more. I gave him time to sort it out. I was admittedly jealous as hell and upset. Never mad at him though, because our relationship was extremely complicated because of my circumstances, so it was understandable if he went for easier choice. He sorted it out and decided it was more of friend thing (it helped that girl was completely ignoring him). Then he went on a trip to his hometown, was texting extremely rarely, when I asked him if everything is okay he told to give him some space. I was too clingy and needy at that time, still suffering from that girl thing. I gave him space he needed meanwhile I got severely depressed, crying for hours, losing several kgs, couldn’t sleep etc.
Then he came back and it was somewhat back to normal. Somewhat. We never made calls anymore (I didn’t want to be clingy again and he never proposed), he extremely rarely initiated chats, he completely stopped any mentioning of sexual topics. When I was approaching him on subject he told he still loves me, interested in our relationship but he finds chatting about sex silly when we had real thing. He told that was okay if I brought such topics up though so I sometimes did.
Three days ago (amusing really, I had Brexit of my own), I asked him again if he is interested in our relationship because it certainly felt it was going downhill fast. He told “dunno like sort of feel burnt out”. I was devastated, said sorry for not being girlfriend he needed. I have bad mentality I know. Then he told “i think its just more me issue” and that “maybe a break is a good thing”. I sorta understand that most likely it was his easy way to walk away. He was always nice to me and tried not to hurt me. He told “Good luck to you too, hopefully everything works out for you” which made me completely heartbroken honestly because that’s like the end, right? If he wishes me that everything works out for me, not for us? Am I right? Then he told sorry several times for hurting me. I asked how much time he will need, clinging to hope, he told he doesn’t know and doesn’t want to give me false hope. I told him he can write me any time (pathetic, I know), he told that I can write him too. I asked one last question, taking break means he doesn’t love me anymore or just need to sort things out? He answered “sort things out and see how i feel after i guess”.
I went into no contact rule since then and plan on doing it indefinitely. I’m bit hopeful yet, but I guess it was pretty clear he’s over me. I plan on improving myself, visiting psychotherapist because I got nasty depression again and I don’t have any strength left to fight it on my own.
I’m still so hopeful that he might have depression of his own because he typically has those at February so he really just needs time for himself, but I should just let him go, right? (It is bad to hope for depression of course and I really wish him well but I’m so very desperate now).
Thanks again for your blog, best regards
Eileen
Hi Zan,
My ex of 3 years dumped me 3 months ago over the phone after we had a disagreement about our future plans (prior to that our relationship was stable), he felt that we were incompatible as I was ready to settle down while he felt he was only ready to settle down in 2-3 years due to his career. I was willing to wait for him to be ready and talk things out but he wanted to break up. The next day when I was hurting, I went to his house wanting to have a chat and he shouted at me to ‘get out’ in front of his entire family. I was upset he shouted at me and went no contact for 1 month but succumbed to my emotions and dropped him a msg to apologise for our disagreement (which he ignored) and went to his workplace to look for him and pleaded for him to give us a chance again, he told me I did not respect his boundaries and said he did not wish to speak to me and blocked me on phone and social media thereafter. 1 month later, he unblocked and contacted me to demand for his air ticket (as we had booked a trip together prior to the breakup), I tried to speak to him about our relationship but he ignored me again. I had also reached out to his friends and family to find out why he was treating me this way and he was very angry with me when he found out. 3 weeks back, for the first time since the break-up, he was finally willing to have a chat over text and I poured my heart out to him but he said he was moving on and did not care a single bit for our relationship any longer, he was also very cold, mean and rude (even used vulgarities). He said his reason for breaking up was me ‘pushing’ him when we were talking about our future and he said I only had myself to blame for the relationship failing.
I have not spoken to him since 3 weeks back and finally decided to be determined to let go and move on with my life.
Beginning to move on has made me realise how disrespectfully he treated me after the break up for blaming me for everything, shouting at me in front of his family, ignoring and blocking me which caused me to do silly things which further destroyed my dignity and self-esteem. I am thinking of having a word with him for disrespecting and stepping all over me when I was emotional after the break up to let him know I am not a pushover and for my own healing. Do you think that is a good idea or should I simply stay in indefinite no contact, and move on.
Also can you shed some light on exactly why my ex would abruptly give up on our relationship when I bring up the discussion about marriage, given that we previously were aligned on getting married and having 2 children. He was not happy with how his career was progressing and said he felt uncomfortable talking about marriage and did not feel ready, he made me feel bad for blaming me for the break up when I was simply
inquiring about my own future. Shouldn’t a healthy partner be open to have a discussion on future plans even if there are some personal roadblocks. And do you think there is any chance of him ever reaching out again after all that has happened
Do not contact him to let him know his behavior was inappropriate. Do not contact him at all any more. He has made it clear he doesnt wish to speak to you. Respect his boundaries. You dont need closure from him, you will get it only from moving forward in your life. Maybe he reconsidered what he wanted in life and your futures no longer aligned. He didnt have to be so harsh about it, but you both want different things as of now. Yes, a healthy partnership consists of two people who want to work on the relationship. Sadly, he no longer wanted to. Move forward dont look back. I wish you the best.
I agree with Cat. You will have to find closure by yourself. It is rare that a dumper provides closure. they will just make excuses and the possibility of them hurting you worse is a very strong possibility. He has clearly indicated to you that he does not want to talk to you anymore and that the relationship is over. Don’t waste your time on somebody who doesn’t want any of your time. I know it is hard – the hardest thing you will ever have to do! The best way to prove to your ex that you are not a pushover is to go indefinite no contact. This will even out the power over time and prove to your ex that he is not the center of your universe. Go find somebody who appreciates your love, dedication, and commitment. Trust me, they are out there but you have to move on.
Wow, Zan, this is so true!!!
“Couples who respect each other, talk and confide in each other…He did it because he believed you were making him unhappy.”
I have an ex who I believe was unhappy with himself, and I saw in his past relationships that he had sabotaged them similarly. I was not shocked when he came up with his excuse to end things with me (by text so he didn’t have to face me, lol). On to the next woman who will not be enough for him….
I think a big problem is people conflate lust and oxytocin with love and when the drug high inevitably wears off they think something is wrong and try to recapture that experience again and move on. It doesn’t fill me with much confidence that people by and large don’t understand commitment or what it really takes to make a relationship work in this Disney fantasy we live in.
Truth spoken here, especially for women.
Hey, I find somewhat of a solace in reading this. My ex
of 6 years, dumped me on NYE, for that reason of finding himself. Like what my and his parents said if him, “if he needed to find himself, he can just look at himself in the mirror.”
It was funny, I noted that he was distancing in the last few months prior to break up. I thought it was stress to do with his dad’s cancer diagnosis and surgery. I let things be, dint bring out this feeling and I was there to support him.
We had a great time over Christmas, when new year’s eve came along, I brought it up to him that I was feeling that we were distancing, I was jealous that he was going to be out with his friend for a dance party, and like could we make dates together sometime? He hadn’t made dates with me in a while. He replied, “what about all the breakfast dates we have together, aren’t they enough?”. I was taken back, so I asked him if he loves me and whether he was happy. He tells me he loved me, but he was not happy in the relationship. He was not willing to work on the relationship, not willing to give it a few more months of counselling.
It is a hard pill to swallow, “finding myself and finding what makes me happy”. And then he tells me he still wants to be friends. Like if I din’t make him happy, why does he still want to be friends with me. Is he coming back? Am I suppose to be strung around be friends with him?
Dont be friends with him if you want more. You dont have to be friends with him. If he doesnt want to be with you romantically, dont give him the gift of your friendship. Give him the gift of missing you. If he doesnt return, then it wasnt meant to be. Dont wait for him. Love on, live your life.