What To Say To An Ex For Closure?

Getting closure from an ex is easier said than done because not all exes are willing to give closure (or give it the way you want them to give it). Some dumpers feel victimized and are so angry with the dumpee that they don’t want to explain why they ended the relationship.

They think that they don’t owe their ex an explanation and that their ex should figure it out on his or her own.

Such dumpers hurt their ex very badly as they deny their ex the chance to figure out what went wrong. They essentially force their ex to battle his or her internal demons alone and make their ex take all the blame. By directly or indirectly blaming their ex, they affect the dumpee’s self-esteem and trigger the dumpee’s separation anxiety and fears.

Of course, not all dumpers are bitter, impatient, or vengeful. Some dumpers are mature and willing to give closure to an ex who needs it or asks for it. Dumpers who do that tend to be quite mature as they understand that talking about relationship and breakup matters makes them uncomfortable—but that they need to put up with it for their ex’s sake.

They may feel a bit pressured and annoyed because they need space from their ex, but on the other hand, they know that their ex is in agony and that they need to help their ex get the answers he or she needs to accept the breakup and move on as fast as possible.

Although dumpees don’t need closure from their ex to move on, the truth is that closure makes the moving on process much easier. Those who understand the reasons for breaking up can get out of denial relatively fast as they can immediately start working on processing the unfortunate turn of events.

Dumpees who don’t get closure, on the other hand, suffer severely and longer—and need to obtain closure with or without their ex’s help. If their ex treated them poorly during or after the breakup, their ex isn’t of much use to them after the breakup. That’s because their ex usually reacts badly and makes things worse.

The only thing such dumpees can do is cut their ex off and find closure themselves.

A few methods for obtaining closure without the dumper’s help include:

• Journaling
• Therapy
• Talking with friends and family
• And thinking about the possible reasons for breaking up

If your ex doesn’t want to communicate, you obviously shouldn’t try to have a relationship closure conversation with your ex. You should have no contact and lots of friends and family around you to support you. They can be a much better support system than an ex who constantly rejects you and makes you feel like you’re a bad human being.

So if your ex didn’t give you closure and doesn’t seem willing to give it to you, exclude your ex from the closure conversation. Forcing closure out of someone who isn’t capable of having a closure conversation won’t make you feel any better. It will make you feel hated and unimportant.

But if your ex is a mature person who understands and cares about the pain he or she has indeliberately caused you, then you should definitely make use of your ex’s sympathy and empathy and ask all the important questions you need to ask.

Just make sure to avoid asking questions you aren’t ready to hear answers to.

Today, we talk about what to say to an ex for closure as closure is necessary for improving self-esteem, stopping pain, and letting go of the post-breakup hope that keeps you attached to your ex.

Is your ex willing to give you closure?

If your ex is prepared to give you closure, your ex is probably talking to you and is receptive to you. Your ex may not always act the way you want him or her to act, but your ex listens and responds in ways that ease your anxiety and pain.

We could say that a sympathetic ex genuinely cares about your health and well-being and probably expressed or showed it to you more than once. That tells you that you can safely confide in your ex and rely on your ex for answers and healing.

But once you’ve obtained the answers you’re looking for and feel that you can move forward with your life, you have to stop relying on your ex, distance yourself from your ex, and get used to a life without your ex.

This is important otherwise you could continue to message and call your ex for months after the breakup and stay attached to your ex and let your ex knowingly or unknowingly string you along.

Don’t think that you’ll be using your ex if you get closure and disappear after. You’ll probably be doing your ex a favor because your ex also needs to be alone. Your ex needs to help you when you’re hurting (it’s the right thing to do) and leave you alone when you’re detaching and healing in no contact.

Therefore, your ex needs two things.

1. Understand that he or she has a moral responsibility to ease your anxiety. This responsibility isn’t written anywhere, but your ex needs to be aware of it as a person with self-respect and respect for you.
2. Avoid giving you false hope and slowing down your detachment process.

If your ex understands the first point but not the second, you can tell your ex that you need to focus on yourself from now on. But if your ex understands the second and not the first point, then you shouldn’t try to teach your ex what caring people are supposed to be like. It will be difficult if not impossible to tell your ex what his/her human duties and responsibilities are.

People develop morals in their early childhood and willingly on their own. You can’t force someone to be compassionate if he or she is not and doesn’t want to be. You especially can’t do it now that you got dumped because your ex takes you less seriously than ever before and has different post-breakup plans and expectations.

So make sure that your ex is caring, expressive, and mature enough to understand why closure is a key factor in loving yourself and moving on. Do it so you don’t try to get closure and end up feeling rejected.

The infographic below will explain if your ex is willing to give you closure.

What to say to an ex for closure?

To get closure from an ex who dumped you, you must be respectful and patient and show that you’re not trying to cause problems. Show that you’re just looking for answers and that you’ll focus on yourself once you’ve got them.

To do this, start by collecting your thoughts as your ex may not give you closure if you cry, guilt-trip, and demand things from your ex. Your ex may instead get upset with you. Especially if your ex is a guy because guys tend not to handle highly emotional situations well. They consider them a hindrance to their emotional well-being and as a result, get annoyed and/or avoid their ex.

So what to say to an ex for closure? How to get some answers out of your ex?

If you want your ex to communicate with you about the breakup, it’s very important that you give your ex honest and sincere appreciation. Say that you appreciate his/her time and that you have a few questions if that’s okay. Since you’ve already established that your ex is empathetic, your ex should gladly discuss things with you.

He or she should say something like, “Sure, I don’t mind” or “We can talk when I get back from work.” If your ex is busy and promises to chat later, thank your ex and wait for your ex to come home and speak with you. He or she won’t forget that you wanted to talk.

Your ex might just ignore it. But that likely won’t happen if you figure your ex out before you decide to reach out to your ex.

You can determine if your ex will give you closure in many ways.

I suggest that you take into consideration your ex’s:

• attitude and beliefs
• pre-breakup and post-breakup behavior
• emotional state (is your ex extremely relieved and happy to be single?)
• the things your ex says about you to friends and family (a mean and vengeful ex is of no use to you)
• whether your ex invited you to reach out and talk about the breakup

If you ask for closure from an ex who’s a bad communicator and/or holds grudges against you, you’ll get a very one-sided opinion from your ex. And that opinion could have the opposite of the desired effect on your healing as it could destroy your self-esteem, make you blame yourself, and turn your ex into the perfect human being in your eyes.

Post-breakup closure is a delicate topic, which is why your ex can either help you with it or make it worse. The results depend on your ex’s personality and empathy.

If possible, you should have the closure conversation in person. That way, you can show you mean no harm and that you’re just trying to figure some things out.

Anyway, once your ex agrees to speak with you, tell your ex it’s nothing serious, but that you’ve been wondering about some things and that you’d like his or her opinion on them. This is where you get to ask your questions.

I don’t know your situation so I can’t tell you what to ask your ex. But some typical questions to ask your ex for closure look like this.

• Why do you think the breakup happened?
• When did you lose feelings?
• What do you think you and I could have done better?
• Do you feel any anger or resentment towards me?
• How do you expect the breakup to work? Do you wish to be friends? (If your ex says yes, you should say you need time).
• Is it okay if I unfollow you on social media?
• What are you going to do now that you’re single if you don’t mind me asking?
• Is there anything you’d like to tell me?

Answering these questions could give you a lot of clarity. Just make sure to relax and converse like you always do. Appearing calm is vital so you don’t make your ex feel like he or he is being interrogated. You want to show you’re just looking for answers and that you’ll leave your ex alone after.

While you’re trying to get closure from your ex, make sure to avoid:

• condemning
• crying
• raising your voice
• asking if your ex still loves you
• telling your ex you’re not ready to let go
• and doubting your ex

It’s okay to have doubts, but confronting your ex about them isn’t the way to go about it. An ex who listens to you is giving you closure willingly, so your job isn’t to force answers out of your ex. It’s to get your questions answered and decide what to believe and what not to believe.

If you believe your ex, that’s good. You can respect your ex for it and move forward. And if you don’t believe your ex, then that’s good too. Whatever you think and believe is fine as you can use it to move forward with your life.

The interesting thing about closure is that you can have a wrong understanding of what happened and still move on. Healing doesn’t require the truth. It just needs answers.

So if you’re going to talk to your ex, talk to your ex only about closure. Closure is the final thing you need from your ex to prioritize your recovery and focus solely on moving on and enjoying your life.

Did you learn what to say to an ex for closure? What are some of the things you need to hear from your ex? Post them below.👇

And if you don’t think your ex can give you the answers you need and you want our opinion on what went wrong and what’s going on with your ex, sign up for breakup coaching with us here. We look forward to hearing your story and helping you as best as we can.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.