When your ex texts you, you’ll likely feel validated, hopeful, and eager to abandon your no contact strategy. You’ll want to catch up and converse with your ex about the breakup and the relationship. Before you do that, you must remember that your ex may not be ready for deep/relationship conversations. He or she may just feel curious, nostalgic, or guilty and want to have a quick conversation about your post-breakup life.
That means there’s a high probability that your ex is breadcrumbing you and doesn’t want to get back together. You must play it safe and respond in such a way that you learn more about your ex’s reach out and protect yourself from false hope, confusion, anxiety, and depression. Your ex doesn’t know that his or her texts mess with you mentally and emotionally and ruin your healing.
All your ex knows is that it’d be nice to check up on you and get what he or she needs from you.
I can’t tell you exactly why your ex texted you weeks or months after the breakup, but I can tell you what to do when your ex texts you. The very first thing you should do is avoid assuming your ex texted you to get you back. Instead of telling yourself your ex regrets leaving you or is starting to regret it, acknowledge that your ex has processed some negative breakup emotions and that your ex may want to be friends or even friends with benefits.
It’s much more likely that your ex just wants to chat and see what you’ve been up to. By understanding how you’ve been, your ex can stop feeling bad for dumping and hurting you and clear his or her conscience. Many dumpers feel bad weeks or months after leaving their ex. At first, they feel free and enjoy their new lives.
But when they stop feeling relieved, chasing external validation, and feeling bad for themselves, they realize they mistreated their ex and that their ex didn’t deserve the kind of treatment he or she received. That’s when they finally call or text their ex (usually the latter) and see how their ex feels about them.
If their ex responds respectfully, they forgive themselves for their inconsiderate behavior and continue moving on. And if their ex is angry with them, they tend to defend themselves and convince themselves their ex deserved to get hit by karma. Either way, in their mind, they’re the victims who had no choice but to let go of their ex and look for happiness elsewhere.
You need to keep in mind that your ex can reach out for you, him/herself, or someone/something else.
If your ex reaches out for himself or herself, your ex will waste your time by talking about things you’re not interested in. He or she will reach out to satisfy his or her curiosity or sexual urges, assuage guilt, get emotional support or advice, or ask for friendship. Your ex will make the reach out entirely about him/herself rather than what you want (reconciliation).
Moreover, if your ex reaches out for you, your ex will try to do what’s best for you. He or she will offer you closure and emotional support, return your belongings, and ask you how he or she can help you feel better. Your ex will ignore his or her wants and needs and do the morally right thing. This includes helping you regain control of your feelings and start a new chapter of your life without your ex.
And lastly, if your ex reaches out for something or someone else, your ex will talk about things that you’re both interested in and/or responsible for. Things such as kids, finances, shared belongings, and things that bind you together. Your ex will want to discuss important matters so you don’t assume things and cause problems for each other.
No matter why your ex reached out, your first task is to keep your composure and figure out why your ex contacted you. Was it for you, him/her, or someone or something important to you both? Depending on your ex’s reasons for breaking the silence, you should respond to your ex in a way that ensures the well-being of the people involved and the quickest recovery for yourself.
If your ex wants to be friends and talk about things you’re not ready to talk about yet, you should let your ex know you’re not ready for that and ask for space and time to focus on yourself. You don’t have to (and shouldn’t) say that you’re hurt and disappointed with your ex and that you need to get over the breakup (it will show you’re hurt and emotional).
But do say you’re not ready to talk and that you should both focus on yourselves. This will set healthy post-breakup boundaries and keep your ex away from you until your ex has a change of heart.
I know you want your ex to get closer and give you another chance, but friendship and talking aren’t the way to go about it. You can’t just be nice to your ex for a while and expect your ex to take you back.
Talking gets dumpees friend-zoned rather than appreciated and loved. It shows that dumpees are okay with the breakup and ready to settle for friendship. When dumpers think that dumpees are ready for friendship, they stop feeling bad for causing them problems and allow themselves to move forward with their life.
So if you want to know what to do when your ex texts you, learn why your ex texted you all of a sudden. You can do this by paying close attention to your ex’s words and actions. If your ex doesn’t mention reconciliation shortly after reaching out, you can tell your ex has no intention of getting back together and that your ex has ulterior motives that don’t concern you.
You can also ask your ex directly about his or her reasons for texting you. You don’t have to keep guessing what your ex wants from you. You can just take the initiative and talk to your ex about it. As soon as you learn what your ex wants, you can then ask for space or plan to meet up and discuss getting back together.
Today, we discuss what to do when your ex texts you. This post will help you avoid getting your hopes up and wasting your time when your ex decides to speak to you for unimportant reasons.
Discover why your ex texted you
The first thing you should do when your ex breaks no contact and texts you is remind yourself that your ex probably isn’t texting you to get back together. Your ex likely hasn’t found good reasons to get back together and only wants to talk for a while before he or she goes back to focusing on himself or herself.
If you keep your hopes low and observe your ex’s behavior, your ex will soon tell or show you why he or she contacted you and disturbed your healing. You probably won’t have to ask your ex to explain things because your ex will directly or indirectly reveal his or her intentions to you.
If your ex reaches out for your birthday, you’ll know your ex doesn’t want you back. He or she wants to wish you a happy birthday and maybe even wants to talk for a while. If your ex reaches out for Christmas, your ex also doesn’t want you back. Your ex just wants to wish you a happy holiday season.
And if your ex reaches out randomly to talk about his or her hobbies, problems, or friends, your ex just wants to talk about things that interest him or her. He or she has no intention of getting close to you and starting a new relationship with you.
An ex who wants you back will be apologetic and regretful. He or she will be afraid of angering or disappointing you and wasting the opportunity to impress you and get back together with you.
You can tell a lot about your ex’s feelings, wants, and needs just by observing your ex’s attitude toward you. Your ex’s attitude will tell you how your ex perceives you and what your ex feels or doesn’t feel. If your ex appears happy, enthusiastic, and talkative, your ex probably doesn’t want you back. He or she is excited to converse with you and receive updates on your life.
Regretful exes appear worried, sad, and anxious. They don’t look elated and act like the breakup never happened.
If you can’t tell how your ex feels, you can always just ask your ex directly. Be straightforward and say something like, “How come you reached out all of a sudden? What made you contact me?”
If your ex says things like, “I missed you and wanted to catch up,” you should consider your ex’s reach out a breadcrumb. Think of it as your ex wanting something from you that doesn’t give you what you want and doesn’t make you feel better.
So don’t waste your time talking to your ex and making a good impression on him or her. Instead of walking on eggshells and chasing your ex’s validation, stand up for yourself and do what’s best for you. You can do what’s best for you by cutting straight to the chase and politely asking your ex what he or she wants.
Your ex’s response will tell you whether there’s any point in conversing with your ex.
Some dumpees think they must use every opportunity they get to showcase changes and improvements. They blame themselves for getting broken up with and want to fix everything on their own. Such dumpees forget that it takes two to make and break a relationship and that the dumper also needs to put the work in.
He or she must show eagerness to resolve problems and be in a serious romantic relationship.
If your ex doesn’t express the desire to recommit and fix things, your ex hasn’t fallen back in love with you yet. Your ex still thinks the breakup needed to happen and that he or she is happier because of it.
With that said, here’s a chronological order of what to do when your ex texts you out of the blue.
Don’t be scared of pushing your ex awagy
If your ex doesn’t want you back, rejecting your ex’s eagerness to converse won’t cause your ex to love you less. It won’t make your ex think worse of you and stay away from you until the end of time. You must remember that dumpers respect exes who know their worth and stand up for themselves.
They know that they can’t control such people and that they’ll have to give them something valuable to keep them in their lives. Something like heartfelt apologies, love, and commitment.
You should be afraid of getting strung along rather than pushing your ex away. If you get strung along, you’ll feel hopeful for reconciliation and keep waiting for your ex to take you back and get rid of your anxiety for you. This will make you depend on your ex for healing and prevent you from relying on yourself for healing, self-love, and growth.
I strongly encourage you to learn what to do when your ex texts you. Learn to identify breadcrumbs and deal with them confidently and efficiently. Don’t entertain your ex’s texts or calls just because you regret making mistakes in the relationship and want a chance to do things right.
Your ex made mistakes too. But unlike you, your ex isn’t beating himself or herself up over them. Your ex doesn’t even care about them. He or she probably blames you for the breakup and expects you to self-improve. Victim mentality prevents him or her from reflecting on his or her mistakes and flaws and doing something about them.
Despite that, you should do your best to improve yourself. Strive to become the best version of yourself. Your ex will work on him/herself when he or she gets dumped and feels rejected and responsible for failing in life.
When your ex reaches out, it’s not your turn to show your ex what you’ve learned and how you intend to fix the relationship. You can do this when your ex wants you back.
During the reach-out, your job is to:
- identify your ex’s reason for reaching out
- protect your heart
- and preserve your worth
You must learn what your ex wants so you can cut your ex off or talk about reconciliation. Don’t waste your time and emotions talking about unnecessary things that won’t get you anywhere with your ex. When your ex doesn’t show interest in reconciling, distance yourself from your ex and ensure a quick recovery for yourself.
Your ex will respect you for it, and so will your future self. When you get through the breakup, you’ll see that leaving your ex alone improved your focus and helped you get your life back in order.
What do you think you should do when your ex texts you? Share your views in the comments area below the post.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
