Most of the time, an ex breaks no contact and texts you “Happy birthday” because he wants to acknowledge your birthday, be cordial with you, and tell you that he wants you to be happy.
He doesn’t know that reaching out to you can give you false hope and cause you a painful setback, so he ignorantly does what feels right to him and thinks is best for you.
Other times though, an ex could reach out for slightly different reasons. He could see your birthday as an opportunity to breadcrumb you and elicit some sort of a response from you.
If he feels bad for hurting you, he could want your response to assuage his guilt.
If he feels nostalgic, he could want you to alleviate his cravings for the past.
If he feels lonely, sad, miserable, or depressed he could want you to show him you still care and that he matters.
And if he feels angry and victimized, he could use you to project his frustrations onto you and gain power over you.
If you can’t stop wondering why your ex texted you happy birthday during no contact, the best way to get to the bottom of this mystery is to learn what kind of feedback your ex is looking for.
If it’s just a regular birthday wish, it’s probably safe to say that your ex isn’t looking for anything other than a “Thank you” and just wants to be friendly.
But if the conversation carries on and your ex talks about the past and his or her feelings, then the meaning may be buried deeper. Your ex may be missing you or the relationship—and may feel that talking to you can fill the void you’d left in his or her chest.
It’s your responsibility to yourself to figure out what your ex wants or needs from you so that you can take appropriate action and protect yourself if you need to.
In today’s article, we’ll answer the question, “Why did my ex text me happy birthday?” We’ll also share some tips on how to respond to a birthday wish from an ex, depending on the type of birthday text you get.
Why did my ex text me happy birthday and then disappear?
As you now know, an ex doesn’t always text the dumpee with the intention to reconcile. In most instances, the dumper sends a birthday wish just to wish the dumpee well and check his polite gesture off the list.
This is how he convinces himself and his ex that he’s a considerate person and that he doesn’t hold any grudges (even if he does).
Please bear in mind that exes who reach out for the sake of being friendly normally don’t start and prolong conversations. There are exes who grit their teeth and communicate for a while, of course, but most dumpers (especially new dumpers) prefer to stoically text their ex “Happy birthday.”
By doing so, they put in as little emotion as possible and in return, expect very little emotion as well. They want their ex to mimic their level of interest and emotion, so they settle for a simple “Thank you” or even a “no response” response.
I know it’s hard to believe that some dumpers reach out to their exes on their birthdays just to reassure themselves that they’re nice and considerate people, but, unfortunately, it’s true.
Dumpers tend to reach out for themselves first and their ex second.
Very few dumpers actually reach out and say, “I know I shouldn’t be reaching out because it hurts you. But I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you feel down and want to vent.”
I’m not saying all exes with short, generic birthday wishes have no expectations of their ex and that they’re fake-friendly people. I’m also not saying that they don’t want to speak to their ex because they despise their ex.
All I’m saying is that many dumpers aren’t ready to converse with their ex shortly after the breakup as they often need more time to process the separation and see if they want to be their ex’s friend.
If during no contact they decide to befriend their ex, most dumpers start reaching out on their own initiative and pretend as if the breakup never happened.
And if they don’t want to be friends (or aren’t ready to be friends), they reach out only for birthdays and deaths in the family and reply shortly and coldly when their exes reach out.
This is why a birthday text message from an ex usually doesn’t mean much. It doesn’t mean much whether it’s sent when the clock strikes midnight or if it’s belated.
A birthday wish from an ex is just a kind gesture. Just how random people on Facebook wishing you a happy birthday have no expectations of you, neither does a wish from an ex who disappears afterward.
The picture below axplains why your ex texted you happy birthday and disappeared after.
So if your ex broke no contact to wish you a happy birthday and then went back to no contact, your ex did this to be nice to you. Your ex wanted to tell you that he or she remembers your birthday and “do the right thing.”
You don’t want to analyze a simple birthday wish from your ex and get your hopes up. Not unless your ex starts a conversation with you, keeps you engaged, and makes plans with you.
Always remember that you have healing to prioritize.
Why did my ex text me happy birthday and keep talking to me?
If your ex wished you a happy birthday and continued texting you, your ex most probably had a good reason for that.
That reason likely had something to do with his improved perceptions of you, his emotional readiness, or his desire or need to obtain something from you.
In other words, it’s possible that your ex had been craving something only you can provide or conversely, had too much of some negative emotion and wanted you to help him or her with it.
Was it your reassurance, forgiveness, attention, entertainment, support, advice, or some kind of information your ex was after?
It probably was. And you were the only person in the world who could provide it to your ex. So clearly, it had something to do with you. Something with the way you made your ex feel.
To confirm if your ex’s reason for continuing to talk to you is of emotional nature, you’ll have to analyze your ex’s words and attitude and figure out what your ex secretly wanted.
My advice is to divert your attention to your ex’s questions and to your replies because your ex’s questions ask for something from you and your replies give that something to your ex.
The meaning behind your ex’s secret intentions is, therefore, hidden deep within your ex.
So don’t look for answers on the surface because you won’t find them there. Not unless your ex expressed himself or herself clearly or directly told you what he or she wants.
To figure your ex out, you’ll need to ask yourself what your ex wanted to accomplish by texting you – or rather, what emotions your ex was craving or needed your help with.
I know it sounds complicated or even impossible to read an ex who is being indirect or dismissive, but rest assured that it’s not that difficult. Every action and inaction indicates some kind of craving, feeling, or desire.
You just need to be patient for a few minutes and take the following questions into account:
- how long did your ex text you?
- how fast did your ex respond
- what emotions did your ex express during the conversation?
- what emotions he or she tried to hide?
- what kind of reaction was your ex looking for (sympathy, validation, forgiveness…)?
- on what note did your ex stop texting you (good, bad, stopped replying)?
- how did your ex talk to you (with confidence, fear, regret, ego, pride, authority, contempt, humility…)?
- what information did your ex willingly give you?
- what kind of topics did he or she avoid?
If your ex kept talking to you after wishing you a happy birthday, know that your ex had been meaning to talk to you.
He or she was curious about you and wanted to receive updates on your health, well-being, job, friendships, and possibly even romantic relationships.
In other words, your ex used your birthday as an opportunity to start a conversation and get things off his or her chest.
But if your ex’s reason for talking to you wasn’t just curiosity, then it’s probable that your ex felt some heavy emotion (guilt, fear, nostalgia, depression, anger…) and wanted you to make him or her feel better.
This is quite common for dumpers who get some space from their exes and realize they’ve treated their exes poorly.
Anyway, here are 5 different reasons why your ex wished you happy birthday during no contact and kept talking to you afterward.
How to reply to an ex who wished me happy birthday during no contact?
Replying to an ex’s birthday wish isn’t rocket science. But I suppose it can be a bit tricky if you get overwhelmed with anxiety and perceive your ex’s outreach as a means of getting back with your ex.
That would probably raise your expectations of reuniting with your ex and hurt you when your expectations fail.
So first things first, acknowledge your ex’s reach out as a meaningless, yet polite gesture and make your reply meaningless, yet polite as well. This way, you’ll save yourself from disappointment and guarantee the fastest recovery.
Secondly, read your ex’s intentions and remember that your birthday is about you, not your ex and that you shouldn’t inquire about your ex’s life (too much).
Your special day is meant for you to enjoy and celebrate, so remember that and respond in a way that keeps your expectations low.
It’s highly likely that your ex will go back to no contact after the wishes/the conversation. So thank your ex for his or her birthday wishes and don’t entertain your ex if you’re not ready to.
Don’t ask your ex how he or she is either. Just be polite, but not so polite that you allow your ex to breadcrumb you in the future.
Here are a few examples of how to reply to your ex’s birthday wishes.
| Your ex | You |
| Happy birthday! | Thanks a lot! |
| I hope your birthday is the happiest. | Thanks for the wishes! |
| Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. Happy birthday. | Thanks, (ex’s name). I don’t feel any older though. |
| Happy birthday. I’ve been thinking about you a lot. | Thank you. That’s very kind. |
| Happy birthday. I hope your wishes come true. | Thank you, (ex’s name) |
The idea is to thank your ex for the birthday wishes, but also to stop your ex from torturing you with meaningless conversations and information that makes you analyze your ex or the breakup.
You want to enjoy your birthday, avoid thinking about your ex. and keep detaching from your ex and
So talk to your ex only if you’re emotionally ready to talk to your ex. If you can’t handle the truth, rejection, or criticism yet, don’t do it. Don’t engage in conversation with your ex because there’s no need to get hurt.
You don’t owe your ex anything.
Are you wondering, “Why did my ex text me happy birthday?” Did you get confused? Post your comment below.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
It’s so difficult…my ex and I split a couple of months ago after seeing each other for five months, and it was complicated – we’re both going through divorces after coming out of long-term relationships and marriages, circumstances in our lives were (and are) chaotic and I was working through avoidant issues (still am). She decided to end it, but we did have a great connection and some amazing times together.
I haven’t heard from her since the split but I know she’s been speaking to a friend about me (and in fairly positive terms, saying she’s been thinking about me), and it’s her birthday next week. I know her life is still chaotic and I’d really like to send a message just to wish her a happy birthday, to show there are no hard feelings…but I’m really not sure this is a good idea?
We’re both a little bit older if that makes a difference – I’m 52 and she’ll be 44 next week.
Thoughts are appreciated!
Hi D.
You aren’t on speaking terms at the moment (friends), so there’s no point in sending her a message. If you decide to send her a birthday wish, make it concise so you can go back to no contact.
Sincerely,
Zan
My ex and I had a messy breakup 7 months ago: I found out through his phone that he was cheating (after my suggesting an open relationship, to which he denied) and he left because he “felt invaded” and because “it was too much for him to take”. We kept seeing each other after that tho because I was having none of it, it made no sense, like it happened out of the blue, one moment we were together and ready to have dinner and the next he stormed out and *puff* we were no longer together. During those visits he made sure I knew we were no longer together and even made it super clear he was seeing other people. I was devastated and initiated no contact to heal, which infuriated him for some reason, but the anger vanished quickly.
Three months passed and I reached out to get back together because the situation still didn’t make sense to me: I’ve had many breakups and none of them were as confusing as this one. This time he came back and he told me that he “missed me”, but that he “needed at least one month to be sure he wanted me back”, which sounded like a complete excuse. We went to the movies together and he was extremely distant, he didn’t want me near him. After that I went home and texted him, and he told me that we were done for good. At this point I was so hurt and bumfuzzled that I proceeded to block him from everywhere, except Whatsapp. He blocked me from seeing his Whastapp stories because they stopped popping up on my phone.
Three other months passed, I started to feel better, until one day I could notice that his Whatsapp stories were showing on my phone again, which meant that he had unblocked me from seeing them. It made ABSOLUTELY no sense to me, I felt played, and thus decided to pay no attention to them whatsoever. BUT days later I received a notification from LinkedIn that stated that he had gotten a new job, so I reached out to congratulate him because I was genuinely happy for him. He said thank you and that he was happy hearing from me, but we didn’t keep talking. Days later it was my birthday and then received a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOPE EVERYTHING’S GOOD I WISH YOU WELL!” from him, to which I replied “thank you” and he left it on seen. Btw, he has blocked me from his stories again.
WHAT IS GOING ON??????????????????? I heard from my friends that he has been dating like crazy and that he has had at least 4 partners in the 6 months we were apart, so what does he need from me?
Hi Ariel.
He’s lost interest and wants to keep dating other women. I don’t know what to say other than leaving him alone and work on yourself. Figure out why you find this person attractive. Surely, he’s far from your ideal partner. He disappointed you many times, so I don’t see you having a healthy relationship with him.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex and I broke up about 2.5 months ago. On my birthday about a month ago, I woke up to find he had deleted all of our photos together on social media. I realized looking at him do this was affecting me, so I removed myself from being his follower. Around 6pm that night, I got a “Happy birthday, hope you are enjoying your vacation (I was in Europe).”. Any thoughts on that timing? Does it seem odd to remove someone’s pictures with you, but then reach out later that day?
Hi Kris.
It seems odd that he reached out that quickly. But then again, it was your birthday, and he didn’t want not to send you anything. You should ignore the whole thing and try not to check up on him anymore.
Best regards,
Zan
Break up happened this past May and was minimal contact as we separated until August when ex blocked me after getting all their stuff. I took a lot of responsibility of where I failed in the relationship but they did not, interactions were mostly them pointing out on how bad I was and how angry they were.
We were together for 2.5 years and lived together for one. Ex was very needy and demanded a lot of me even when I was healing from a cancer tumor surgery for a couple of months back in January that had resurfaced. Previous stage 3 cancer survivor back in 2017. I wasn’t emotionally well for obvious reasons.
Let no contact be and moved forward to heal, didn’t think I would hear from them again.
They called me on Sunday (two days before birthday), I did not respond and then texted me on my birthday “Happy Birthday James”. I still haven’t responded and honestly don’t know if I will. Have done a lot of therapy and self-improvement since. It pains a little that they reached out.
Thoughts?
Hi James.
Your ex blamed you a lot when you needed kindness and support the most. But now that your ex is feeling less pressured, he/she is more receptive and ready to talk. That doesn’t mean that you should, though. What you need is to stay away from your ex and continue to heal. Don’t let your ex pull you back in for no reason.
Best,
Zan
Hi! My ex (38 yo, I’m 30) wished me happy birthday (just that, “happy birthday”) out of the blue. He broke up with me 8 months ago over the phone (a 2 minute call) and disappeared. Our 5-year relationship had turned pretty toxic after his continuous lies and cheating and my growing insecurity, I tried to forgive but he never showed genuine remorse, he was actually annoyed by my suffering. He got rid of me as soon as I finished doing something he needed for work, he had probably been waiting to get what he wanted before dumping me. Never heard from him again, I did not have the courage to go back to his place (where we lived together) and take my stuff back nor did I ask for it. He vanished for 8 months and now wishes me HP with no apologies as if we’re old friends. Frankly, I tought his total silence meant he felt guilty enough not to confront me.. now I must face the fact that he’s just fine, “all good”, and feels free to contact me. He did not mention my stuff, nor anything else. Just the wishes, I haven’t responded. I’ve spent the last days in shock. I wish I could decipher this move of his.
Hi Emmi.
You can’t tell how he thinks and feels with just one birthday wish. For all you know, he could be going through something tough right now. You’re probably right that he doesn’t feel extremely guilty as he would have reached out by now if he did. Despite that, don’t let his inactions affect you. If he chose not to apologize it’s because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. That has nothing to do with who you are.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you for replying, Zan! It’s incredibly hard to accept he’s not sorry and does not feel any remorse after years of lies and manipulation through which I never stopped being supportive, caring for him or helping him achieve his goals. The break up was horrible, a theee-minute call and he hung up. Discarded as trash. I was part of his life for five years, my objects were never returned, there was never a decent closure. He still likes my posts and wishes my HB as if I’d been NOTHING. It’s excruciating to see I mean so little.. I still cling to the hope that he’ll realize how loved he was and he’ll start to feel I’m missing. 8 months NC.
It’s so hard, sometimes I’m tempted to beg him to come back just to stop the pain.
Hi Emmi.
You’ve invested a lot into this relationship. This explains why it’s so hard to pull away and not care about what he says. No matter how hard it is, you must persevere. You can’t let him know you’re struggling and that you want him back. Not only will that push him away, but it will also get you rejected again.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex unfollowed me on IG two weeks before my birthday. But at exactly 12mn of my birthday, he messaged me a happy birthday, then followed me again. What was that?
Hi Zen.
He probably decided to keep an eye on you because he was curious. Don’t overanalyze it, it doesn’t change anything.
Best,
Zan
My x can’t text me he’s blocked but has emailed me from his Buisness email and 1 week early. He emailed late Saturday night so when I woke ths am, Sunday it would have been my birthday.
What’s all this about. We have been split up 9mths.
Hi Vickie.
He just wanted to appear considerate. Try not to overthink it.
Zan
I told my ex that he didn’t seem like the person I use to know and that I wasn’t interested in being friends with the person he had become. I went on to say that I never care to see or speak to him again. He read that message and never replied to me, however, 2 months later he wishes me HB. It was at 6pm the day before my birthday. Being someone who hates to be ignored, I responded, “thanks, but it’s not today.”He wrote back that he knew that but wouldn’t be able to message me tomorrow (my actual BD). I acknowledged his BS response with, “gotcha” (I had already said thanks on my last response). He then texted saying, “hope you enjoy your day.” I just said, “thanks”, which was followed by, “welcome.” I was shocked he messaged me after I told him I didn’t care to see or speak to him again, but at the same time perturbed that he did it the day before.
We have years of history going back to our early 20s (working together, being together, talking marriage, splitting up, NC 15 yrs, then picking up where we left off, to what just happened). I’m just confused why he would do that and should I text him on his birthday to be polite or stand by what I said about not caring to see or speak to him again.
Thanks!
Hi Kris.
He texted you after you asked him not to because he wanted to do what he felt was right. He thought you deserved a happy birthday wish even though you didn’t want it. Therefore, he’d put his feelings before your wish not to communicate.
If I were you, I wouldn’t text him for his birthday. You don’t want to talk to him and be his friend (at least not yet), so don’t make any exceptions.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan! I just wish he hadn’t texted me HBD because now, I’ll feel like the worst person if I don’t do the same. The other reason is cause it’s a milestone birthday for him this year.
Hi Kris.
No matter what you decide to do, make sure not to befriend him because that would delay your healing.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan!
Sometimes something may have happened in their life. They might have broken up with gf and want to see if you’re available.
That could be the case, Trish.
Thanks for the comment!
Zan
My ex texted me at 6am on my birthday wishing me a Happy Birthday and hoping I was doing well after 1 year of NC. I didn’t reply until hours later saying simply, “Thank you”.
His birthday is a week from mine and I’m still debating on whether or not I should wish him one too. I dont want to message him and get my hopes up, but i also dont want to just ignore it. I wasn’t expecting to hear from him at all so it kind of sent me into a spiral this week.
Hi Sophie.
You don’t need to reach out. But if you don’t want to feel bad for not wishing him, make it short like he did. After that, you should go back to NC immediately.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for your response Zan. I ended up following your advice and sent him a simple “Happy Birthday!” and to my surprise, he didn’t even respond. 😂 I’m just glad that’s over with
Hi Sophie.
He made the job much easier for you. Now you can be certain that no contact is the right and only thing left to do.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex Cheater bf texted me Happy belated Birthday/hope it was incredible with celebration imogis 2 days after bday (been over a year of NC.) I haven’t responded but was considering saying Thank you.
CCLex
Hi CCLex.
You can say thank you if you want, but you don’t have to. If you respond, you don’t also don’t have to engage in conversation.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex texted my the day of my birthday at 7am, wishing my happy birthday and asking how i was. I replied several hours later, thanking him and wishing him happy birthday as well for his upcoming birthday (3 days after mine). He immediately replied by asking again if I am ok and stating that we have not talked for a long time. I replied by saying everything is ok, I wish the same for you, and got no reply back. We broke up 3 weeks ago, after a prolonged period of distancing and taking space. He was the one that wanted to take space in the first place, but I asked to break up at the end and stop talking, as I could not stand the way we had become and was miserable. Him texting me so early and seemingly wanting to continue the conversation really confused me today.
Hi Maria.
I hope he stopped messaging you after your birthday. If he did, that’s good. You can keep healing. But if he keeps bothering you seemingly for no reason, I suggest you ask him to stop contacting you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Left me a polite text at the end of the evening 11pm on my birthday. Hadn’t texted for a month and a half. Also, unhid a bunch of her fb posts, and immediately added a selfie the night before. Im not sure if she wants a reaction from me or not, but she does watch all of my stories as well. We didn’t have a convo after i thanked her.
Hi CJ.
Stay in no contact and let her initiate if she wants to.
Best,
Zan
My dumper messaged me a birthday text 2 weeks into no contact at 9.30pm
It was only 7 days past my birthday but I thanked her anyway after letting her know it was a week prior (her excuse was she didn’t have it recorded and thought it was today but still waited until the end of the day to text)
Then she sent me 3 photos of a new puppy she got and also 2 photos of herself showing me scratches from the new pup all while telling me all about the new dog.
Not once did she ask how I was and I didn’t ask her how she was either.
I ended the conversation politely and haven’t heard anything again (it’s been another 3 days)
Not sure why she messaged me 3 weeks after dumping me
Hi Brando.
I think your ex just wanted to see what you thought about her. That’s why she talked about random things and didn’t ask you much. Your response alone told her everything she needed to hear.
Stay in no contact, Brando.
Best,
Zan
He never text me but he always give me birthday wishes. But when I say thank you he only seen the message never reply on it
Hi Ravina.
It’s because your ex wants to be polite to you. He just wants to wish you a happy birthday and doesn’t want to converse with you.
Stay in no contact and have faith that everything will work out in the end, Ravina!
Zan
Zan such a great article!! My ex never connected me again … 2 years in NC not a sign that he is alive
But thank you for thinking all the things how we should act and to have healthy space after breakup
🤍
Hi Linda.
Your ex did you a huge favor. He gave you an opportunity to heal, so trust me, it’s a blessing in disguise.
Best regards,
Zan
The dumper sent me a birthday wish over text and I replied the following day with “ thank you”. Months later, it was his birthday and I didn’t acknowledge it in any way, so he called me the day after his birthday. I missed the call and didn’t call or text back. Why would he reach out on his birthday?
Maybe for attention.
Hi MK.
Your ex waited in expectation for you to reach out and wish him a happy birthday. So when you didn’t, he got hurt and reached out to grab your attention.
Best regards,
Zan
Damaged women aren’t worthy of your time or response. It’s hard at first but with determination, every day gets better. Kill her in your head and take some time for yourself to regain your focus. Then go out and enjoy someone younger and of higher quality. If she becomes in a pain in the ass as well or shows any red flags, don’t waste a minute of your time – open the door for her instantly and smile on her way out. Rinse and repeat. No woman should ever be anything more than a compliment to your life. And you never, ever, acknowledge, let alone take back a cheater. That shit belongs with its own kind. Breaking that rule makes YOU an even bigger shit and no one will respect you – no matter what they say to your face.
Hi DK.
Thanks for the comment, DK. Time and dedication will heal our wounds. I hope you’re working hard on letting go – even the hatred you feel toward her.
Sincerely,
Zan
Great article. I ignored my ex when they reached out to me on my birthday. It seemed to be a gesture to assuage their guilt more than a sincere gesture. They never reached out to me after that. I’m supposing they got the message.
Hi Cin.
It’s a good thing that you’re not getting breadcrumbed anymore. That way you can heal.
I wish you a fast recovery!
Zan
I was doing great in no contact for about 25 days when my Birthday arrived. I received a text message the day before my birthday and I responded without asking any questions the exchange was 1 text each..I was very pleased with how I navigated the reach out..
Then the next day my actual Birthday I received another text right as I sat down for my birthday dinner as if she knew I was celebrating my birthday. This time I thought she really wanted communication to increase so I actually asked her a return question and she answered straight away. The exchange was about 4 texts each ..
I made the mistake of thinking the lines of communication were now open but she wasn’t going to let that happen and was distant and cold all of a sudden I didn’t know what to do and was back on the emotional roller coaster. I was feeling defeated all over again.. I wonder why she had two attempts to contact me but retreated back when I took the bait? Zan could you please answer that as I’m still wondering why she reached out twice but when I interacted she wanted to control the tempo of communication and then disappeared again hurting me all over again..
To be honest, her reason for reaching out isn’t as important as you doing the work to move on. Unfortunately, the dumper’s cause for doing what they do will likely remain shrouded in mystery. The only thing that you can guarantee is that you can improve yourself so that you can attract someone who doesn’t leave you in a state of ambiguity. With the right person, you’ll always know what is going on with them because they will be able and willing to effectively communicate with you. I am speaking from experience. Please do the work because you owe it to yourself.
Hi Mikey.
Your ex wasn’t ready for a back and forth conversation. She just wanted to reach out and wish you well—and then go back to lying low.
She reached out twice because she remembered your birthday a day before, and then one more time to actually wish you a happy birthday.
Best,
Zan