When your ex watches you from a distance, your ex’s behavior shows that your ex is curious about you. Your ex has a lot of things he or she wants to ask you and talk about. A conversation with you would relieve his or her curiosity and guilt (if your ex is a dumper) and lower your ex’s anxiety, insecurity, and self-blame (if your ex is a dumpee).
It would tell your ex he or she is still desired and that it may be possible to get back together.
Therefore, dumpees and dumpers look at their ex for different reasons. Dumpees want to get back with their ex, so they stare at their ex from afar with the hope of getting noticed and starting a conversation that could potentially lead to reconciliation.
They still love their ex, so they can’t resist the temptation to look at their ex and hope their ex gives them a chance to talk and bond.
Dumpees are starved for attention and recognition, so they watch their ex like a hawk and look for an opportunity to talk and reconnect emotionally and intimately. They think they may be able to change their ex’s mind if they just talk to their ex heart-to-heart and show they’re doing well.
Dumpees especially watch their ex closely if their ex is dating someone new. Their ex’s new relationship threatens them and forces them to obsess over their ex and his or her new partner. They want to see that their ex isn’t as close to the new person as he or she was with them.
That’s why they often stare daggers at their ex’s new partner and try to make themselves look and feel superior.
Of course, not all dumpees compete with their ex’s new partner in such a way, but those who do usually try to present themselves as better romantic options. The more social/extroverted ones typically speak loudly and try to stand out whereas the less social/confident ones stare from afar and try to learn new things about their ex’s post-breakup life.
They want to learn as much as they can as insight into their ex’s life relieves their obsession and gives them a small sense of control.
Dumpers, on the other hand, don’t need to regain control. They already feel in control as they were the ones who broke up and sought happiness elsewhere.
They watch their ex from a distance simply because they have unprocessed feelings. If they haven’t spoken with their ex in a while, they tend to feel curious about what their ex is doing and if their ex is dating someone new.
They also feel guilty if they have a decent moral compass and realize they mistreated their ex and/or hurt their ex by breaking up with him or her. They look at their ex to tell themselves their ex is coping well and that they can forgive themselves and stop feeling bad for moving on and prioritizing themselves.
Dumpers tend not to stare at their ex because they’re regretful and hurt. That’s what dumpees do. They stare simply because they have some unprocessed feeling or unfinished business they need their ex’s help with.
Watching from a distance is a sign of interest for both dumpees and dumpers. Dumpees usually have romantic interest whereas dumpees have non-romantic interest.
They look at their ex from afar because distance makes them feel safe in their own ways. If they were to converse, dumpees would risk getting ignored, mistreated, or rejected, whereas dumpers would risk getting overwhelmed.
Hence, they want to ensure their safety by analyzing the situation from a safe distance and figuring out if it’s even safe to interact with their ex. They ask themselves if it’s worth greeting their ex and/or talking.
If they do talk, they wonder what they should talk about. Should they wave, smile, and ask their ex how he or she is and if their ex is dating anyone?
Such questions linger in the back of their mind and make them feel uncertain about how they should act around their ex.
Because they don’t know how their ex thinks and feels (especially about them), their fear of the unknown and the disconnection from their ex make them hesitant and compel them to play it safe. Playing it safe means they watch their ex’s body language from a safe distance and reach their conclusions.
So if your ex watches you from a distance and makes you wonder why he or she would do that once or multiple times, know that your ex has at least some respect for you.
If your ex didn’t respect you, your ex wouldn’t look at you, let alone watch you for an extended period of time. Your ex would avoid eye contact and pretend not to see you as doing so would allow your ex to stay in his or her comfort zone.
In this article, we discuss why your ex watches you from a distance and what you can do about it as a dumpee and a dumper.
What does it mean when my ex watches me from a distance?
Let’s start with dumpees.
Dumpees gaze at their ex from afar because their ex rejected and hurt them. Their ex made them crave validation and love more than ever and destroyed their self-esteem. Their ex became the most important person in the world for them simply because of the pain they endured because of their ex.
This means they became emotionally dependent on their ex for validation and self-love and see their ex as someone who can mend their broken heart and make their life better. Dumpees feel anxious and depressed and become obsessed with their ex.
So much so that they stalk their ex’s social media posts, browse through old conversations and pictures, ask friends for updates on their ex’s life, and refuse to discard reminders of their ex.
They can’t bring themselves to get rid of things that remind them of their ex because they feel sentimental and hope to continue the relationship from where it left off. Usually, they delete pictures and other reminders when they get out of denial and become open to the possibility of living without their ex.
They don’t feel hopeless right away, but they do accept the breakup and love themselves enough to do what’s best for them.
Dumpees find it difficult if not impossible not to obsess and watch their ex up close or from a distance. They value their ex more than themselves and need their ex to feel purposeful and in control of their emotions.
As long as they’re in love with their ex (not over their ex), their life revolves around their ex. They think and even dream about their ex and want their ex to return to them.
Some don’t want their ex back; they just want their ex to want them back so they can reject their ex and make their ex feel how they feel. Such dumpees want validation and revenge rather than a functional long-term relationship.
Most dumpees, however, want the real thing. They want another chance with their ex so they can show their ex their changes and improvements. They’re desperate to prove they can learn from their mistakes and make their ex happy in the present and future.
Dumpees aren’t ready to give up on the relationship and forget about their ex. Even if they rationally want to detach and move on, they can’t do it because their heart still belongs to their ex. They feel devastated by the rejection and have one-sided feelings for their ex.
Feelings that prevent them from being happy and acting like their ex is a matter of the past.
Dumpers are the only ones who can instantly let go and act like their ex never existed. They can do it because they’re detached and have better things and people to focus on. I’m talking about people who empower them and distract them from “the awful past.” Those people keep them busy and happy with their decision to leave.
They tell them life got better and that it will keep getting better as long as they keep moving forward.
Although dumpers initially feel relieved by the breakup, they tend to start feeling curious and guilty when they don’t hear from their ex for a while. They may even miss their ex non-romantically (as a friend) and be open to talking about non-relationship matters.
They may want to catch up, and in the process, assuage their guilty conscience.
Dumpers who appreciate and respect their ex tend to start feeling bad 2 – 12 weeks after the breakup and sometimes even express the wish to converse. How they feel and what they do depends on their morals and understanding of breakups.
If they have no idea their ex gets hope from everything they do or don’t do, they may reach out to their ex and say confusing things.
Things such as:
- I still love you
- I miss you
- Let’s be friends
- We might get back together in the future
- Are you seeing anyone?
These comments and questions make dumpees think there’s still hope and that their ex may be testing the waters and trying to get back together with them. They think dumpers could still come back, provided they play their cards right and show their ex their romantic value.
Little do they know that dumpers have their own reasons for checking up on them and saying things that hint at reconciliation. Most of the time, they only want friendship or a texting-only relationship. They don’t want commitment and another serious relationship.
If your dumper ex watches you from a distance, it may be that your ex misses talking to you and being on good terms with you. His or her prolonged eye contact indicates that something draws him or her toward you. Something that your ex can’t get from any other person.
Your ex may be trying to say hi to you but lacks the courage to initiate a conversation. He or she doesn’t want you back, but your ex does probably want to chat about things that interest your ex. Such things have nothing to do with reconciliation.
They’ve got everything to do with your ex’s unresolved post-breakup emotions. Your ex doesn’t know how to approach you in a safe/natural manner. And because your ex doesn’t know how to break the awkwardness caused by the silence and distance, your ex does the only thing available to him or her.
Your ex watches you from a distance and tries to obtain information on your new life without interacting with you.
So if your ex terminated the relationship and watches you from afar, know that your ex probably wants to say hello but feels shy or scared. Your ex doesn’t know what to expect, so your ex appears motionless and weird.
You’ve got to understand that post-breakup awkwardness between dumpees and dumpers is common.
Many exes don’t know how to act around each other because of:
- how things ended
- a lack of understanding of how they perceive each other and whether they want friendship (uncertainty)
- emotional distance/detachment
- conflicting wants and needs
They don’t know if they should say hi, talk for a while, or act like they don’t know each other. Because they’re conflicted between doing the morally right thing (and showing courage) and prioritizing their feelings, they often do awkward/self-distracting things such as.
- staring
- looking down
- freezing
- leg shaking and other nervous behaviors
- checking their phone, pretending they’re busy
- and walking away
With that said, here’s an illustration explaining why dumpees and dumpers passively observe each other from a distance.
What should you do when your ex watches you from a distance?
If your ex dumped you recently and watches you from a distance, you shouldn’t walk up to your ex and say hi. You shouldn’t show your ex you want to talk because you’re not ready to talk. You’re not ready to learn things about your ex’s life that will kill your hope of reconciliation and wound you.
You should leave things as they are, keep your distance, and try to avoid your ex as much as possible. Avoiding your ex will let you focus on healing from heartbreak and improving your self-esteem rather than obsessing over your ex‘s reasons for watching you from a distance.
It’s okay to know why your ex is acting the way he or she is, but don’t overanalyze things too much. Simply think of your ex’s behavior as your ex wondering about you and perhaps even wanting to talk for a bit.
If you consider your ex’s behavior unimportant and meaningless, you’ll let go of hope and move on with your life quicker than if you make breakup mistakes such as reaching out/talking to your ex and sending your ex gifts.
You’ll get yourself back much faster because you won’t interact with the dumper who lost feelings for you and found different ways to keep himself or herself busy.
You can greet your ex when you run into your ex or even wave to your ex from a distance, but don’t try to talk to your ex and have a meaningful conversation.
If you do talk, it should be quick and strictly about non-relationship matters. Such (unimportant) matters will prevent you from thinking about your ex’s happiness and connecting it with your absence.
What if your ex is a dumpee?
You also shouldn’t engage in conversation with your ex. Your ex has to heal and doesn’t need to talk to you unless the subject of the conversation is about getting back together. Your ex may want to talk, but to your ex, talking works like a drug.
It makes your ex want more and more of it.
If you don’t intend to validate your ex by reciprocating his or her feelings, you shouldn’t be talking to your ex and confusing him or her. Remember that your ex will analyze everything you say and do and need longer to recover.
The conversation (whether it’s about politics or post-breakup goals and happiness) will give your ex hope or take hope away. It will be extremely difficult to not make your ex feel insecure and anxious, so you may as well keep your distance and stick to greeting your ex.
Greeting is generally considered polite whereas talking to your ex could be what your ex wants in the moment but bad for your ex in the long run. Your ex will most likely wonder about everything you’ve said and how you’ve presented yourself and try to use the newly gained information to his or her advantage.
I can’t say how your ex will feel because it largely depends on you and your ex’s personality and self-confidence, but I can tell you that it won’t help your ex. Sure, your ex will see that you don’t despise him or her, but your ex doesn’t need to learn this through talking.
Your ex can learn it from your greetings alone. If you say hi when you’re within greeting distance, your ex will know that you don’t harbor any resentment and that you’re a decent person.
So regardless of whether your ex is a dumpee or a dumper, don’t let your ex’s curiosity bother you. Simply focus on yourself and do what’s necessary for your recovery and happiness.
Eventually, your ex will stop looking at you and leave the past behind once and for all.
Does your ex watch you from a distance and make you wonder what he or she wants? Why do you think your ex stares at you? Share your views in the comments section below. We’d love to hear your opinion.
However, if you’re looking for help with your breakup, check out our coaching services. We offer personalized communication methods to suit everyone’s needs.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
