If your ex said he would always be there for you, your ex told you what he thought you wanted and needed to hear. His plan was to assure you that he’s not going anywhere and that you can count on him in times of stress, confusion, and uncertainty.
He did this to help you alleviate your pain and feel less alone. At the same time, his reassuring statement also helped him think of himself as a good person who doesn’t ghost exes and make them fend for themselves.
You have to understand that his always being there for you is both a good and a bad thing. If he truly means what he says, he’s willing to talk even about the problems created by the breakup. This includes closure conversations and talks about supporting you emotionally whenever you’re struggling to cope with the breakup.
The bad thing about always being there for you, though, is that you could get friend-zoned and become too dependent on your ex to get through the breakup. The guy could become your savior in your eyes and reach out whenever he wants to talk about random things.
That would confuse you, give you hope, and make your post-breakup life extremely difficult.
You need to avoid letting him always be there for you as you don’t always need him. 99.99% of the time, you’re better off on your own and should be dealing with post-breakup blues without him. Doing so will help you detach, become emotionally stronger, and encourage you to forget about your ex in the quickest possible time.
So even though your ex said he’d always be there for you, remember that you don’t need him to be too available and super eager to converse. You need the guy to understand your priorities and leave you alone unless you’re struggling and need answers.
Now that you’re single and in pain, your job is to learn to live without your ex. You need to rely on yourself and others for help and slowly prepare yourself for a new romantic connection. You won’t succeed at that if your ex is lingering in the background and telling you that you’re friends or best friends.
Friendship will keep your ex close but not as close as you’d like him to be. It will keep you obsessed with your ex and prevent you from letting go.
Yes, your ex can help by being there for you, but your ex can’t be there all the time (not now or in the future). The breakup requires you to disconnect from your ex and find your own strength and purpose outside of the relationship.
If you cling to your ex for dear life, you could over-rely on your ex, overwhelm your ex, and make your future relationships unnecessarily difficult.
That’s why you need to think and act smart now that things are still new and under your control. Look for ways to distance yourself from your ex emotionally rather than trying to cut the distance.
You should do this regardless of whether you want your ex back as talking to your ex won’t make your ex realize what he lost. It will make him see that he got rid of a codependent person and that he doesn’t regret leaving at all.
So if you want to know what it means when your ex says he will always be there for you, it means that your ex felt your pain and made an oath. He promised to be your friend and be there for you when you’re going through tough times.
He probably didn’t fully understand how the breakup affected you. But because he wanted to be on good terms with you, he did say he’d help you with other problems that have nothing to do with the breakup. Ironically, other problems probably won’t be as difficult to deal with as the breakup itself.
You’ll be able to handle them on your own or with the help of others just fine.
So the real question is, why would you need him to always be there for you when all you need him is to treat you with respect and explain why he initiated the breakup?
He’s the dumper, so if anyone can help you understand things and make you feel better now that he’s hurt you, it’s him.
He can give you closure and show you empathy and care. Those are the things you need. You don’t need him to talk to you about work, movies, and things that aren’t related to the breakup. That’s what your friends and family are for.
And your ex isn’t either of them. Your ex is someone who was supposed to stay with you and physically be there for you. Since he isn’t around anymore, you must get rid of the notion that he’ll always be there for you.
Whether he means what he says or just wants you to feel better to stop making him feel guilty, he probably won’t always be there for you.
Most exes don’t because life goes on without them. Dumpees and dumpers move forward with their lives and meet people they actually care about and commit to. Those are the people they’re willing to be there for, not their exes.
In this post, we discuss why your ex said he will always be there for you. We also explain how you should interpret his niceness and respond to it.
My ex said he will always be there for me after the breakup
First of all, did your ex mean what he said? Did he really plan on always being there for you?
This depends on his personality, feelings, morality, and your behavior (if you looked hurt and guilt-tripped him).
If he just wanted to make you feel better and feel less guilty himself (get you off his back), he probably just told you what you wanted to hear. He reassured you that everything would be okay and by doing so, eased your anxious mind and ensured his safety. The guy wanted you to feel okay in that particular moment because he felt bad for leaving you.
But if he kept reaching out, initiating conversations, and offering to help after the breakup, then he probably meant what he said. His actions proved that he wanted to stay in your life and support you while you were brokenhearted and be there for you even after you’ve healed.
If you’re ever in a dilemma about an ex-bofriend’s intentions, don’t look at his words. Look at his actions as they’ll tell you how he feels about you and what he expects from you. His actions over a few weeks will show you if he wants to keep you around permanently as a friend or temporarily just to clear his conscience.
Bear in mind that most dumpers who say they’ll always be there for their ex don’t actually mean that. They say it only because they feel guilty/emotional. But the moment they stop being affected by the breakup (feeling bad), they quickly forget their promises and go back to enjoying their space and freedom.
Such dumpers are emotion-driven and don’t care about their ex as much as they make it seem. They care only because and when they hate seeing their ex hurt and feeling responsible for their ex’s pain.
So if your ex said he will always be there for you, take your ex’s assurance with a pinch of salt. “Always” is a big word and might not mean what you think it does.
Many dumpers use the word “always” but mean something completely different. They want to convey the message that they’ll always care about their ex and remember him or her.
They do this because they want their ex to know they have his or her back in case something bad happens. Something like falling off a bicycle and breaking an arm. Such dumpers wouldn’t mind if their ex reached out to them and sought emotional support.
But when it comes to talking about the breakup and the mistakes they’ve made (things dumpees actually need to talk about), they don’t want to be a part of the conversation at all. Such topics remind them of the past and force them to look for solutions they’d rather not spend their time and energy on.
Dumpers despise relationship and breakup conversations for several reasons.
- They remind them they were unhappy.
- They put expectations on them.
- They make them invest time and energy they don’t have.
Because such conversations overwhelm your ex, you should keep in mind that your ex probably doesn’t want to talk about things you want to talk about. Your ex probably just wants to help you now that he feels bad.
Or perhaps he only wants to make it seem like he has your best interests at heart so you don’t panic and hurt yourself and him.
In any case, you’ll find out whether your ex is trying to be there for you soon. You probably won’t need longer than a week to see how willing your ex is to give you closure and help you deal with your inner demons.
If he doesn’t respond, takes forever to respond, or never reaches out, you can be certain he told you a bunch of nice things just to appear nice and caring. By presenting himself as a supportive individual, he made you feel cared for and respected and coaxed you into accepting the breakup and not making his life any more difficult.
That being said, here’s why your ex said he will always be there for you.
People can’t guarantee that they’ll always be there for their friends, let alone their exes. Something or someone could (and often does) change their thoughts and feelings and make them go back on their promises.
Some of the things that could make dumpers forget their promise to always be there for their exes are:
- new partners, friends, and social life
- post-breakup relief or suffocation
- a busy lifestyle
- a change in mentality/morality
“Always” and “never” are two exaggerations people in relationships and breakups should avoid using. They must avoid saying “always” to not give their ex hope and “never” to avoid hurting their ex.
For example, “I’ll always love you” and “You never listen to me.”
Since dumpers can’t predict the future, they shouldn’t make promises they can’t and probably won’t keep. Instead, they should treat the breakup as the definite end. That’s how they can help their ex accept the breakup and lower his or her expectations.
As for you, you should keep in mind that not many exes stay in touch, let alone be there for each other. Most of them don’t talk, talk once in a blue moon, or eventually fall out of touch.
By understanding what to expect and how to act, you can keep your hopes low and find alternative ways to deal with the breakup and the problems you encounter months or years after the breakup.
What should you do when your ex says he’ll always be there for you?
The first thing you should do is remember that your ex is responding to the breakup and your emotions and that how he thinks, feels, and acts after the breakup may not match his promises. Instead of helping you feel better now and later, he may immediately start dating someone else and show no sympathy toward your suffering.
That would force you to open your eyes and see that your ex isn’t really there for you. He broke up with you for himself and will, therefore, look after his own needs and interests. Interests that could hurt you if you still have feelings for your ex.
So don’t be too naive—and keep in mind that many dumpers say positive things like that to soften the blow. They don’t want to hurt you, but they also don’t want you to hurt them by refusing to accept the separation and exuding pain.
They want to go their separate ways as quickly and peacefully as possible. And the quickest way for them to do that is to downplay the breakup and exaggerate your importance in their life.
If you understand that a breakup is a breakup and that your ex is looking for or has already found a new person to be there for and with, you can stop seeing your ex as someone who can help you and begin to rely on yourself for love and healing.
The sooner you do that, the quicker you’ll recover and the better you’ll feel.
When your ex says that he’ll always be there for you, say you appreciate his willingness to help but that you’re not ready for friendship and that you want to be on your own. That will tell him you’re emotionally independent and that you don’t want him to always be there for you.
You already have loyal friends and family and will eventually meet someone who will actually be there for you in ways you want him to be there (as a partner).
Why do you think your ex said he’ll always be there for you? What do you make of your ex’s behavior? Share your views in the comments section below. We’ll respond shortly.
And if you’re looking for advice on relationships and breakups, visit our coaching page to send us an email or book a time with us.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
it’s been 4 years since he dumped me and even though he says he’s never coming back he has yet to actually leave. he talks to me everyday and sees me almost every week.
we have fought over and over and i did all the begging and pleading. o did and said some really messed up things and he has too. but still here. it’s like no matter what i do good and bad it’s not enough for him to close the door on me permanently. it’s very confusing to hear i have love for you but will never love you again. when it seems very much like he still does love me. why would any dumper stick around for 4 years after the fact and be so invested in me but not love me???
i may be completely delusional but to me that is love.
he is the first one to show up for me and help me in everything. he even gave me an extra $500 as a gift to go on a cruise with my friends last week. “just because he wants me to have the best time i can have”. side note; he doesn’t just have money like that to give so he saved money just for me.
he has not gotten in another relationship or even hooked up with anyone else but me since he dumped me. he says “there’s no one like me so it’s not worth trying to find someone”
he has even continued to stay when i was talking to other guys. i swear nothing i do will shake him… and he dumped me! it’s very confusing and frustrating. i read all your articles and you basically say that i’m delusional and over hopeful. but i’m not so sure my situation is like most others. it’s definitely unique.
now there are drastic differences in our situations hip compared to our relationship.
like we don’t go on dates and we are not labeled a couple. he still says he’s never coming back and he still claims he only “has love” and is not in love with me. but when i throw these very same facts in his face and inform him that i think he does still in fact still love me and one day he will come back, he just laughs (in a nice way) and tells me “nope” not no or stop just “nope”.
i could go on for days about the mindf#ckery but i don’t have days. lol. so tell me please what the heck is going on. cuz at this point i don’t know what to think. i have stopped trying to think. but i would love to know if anything has had an experience like this?
ps. i’ve gone no contact twice before. the first time he let me go no contact. gave me that space i asked for. respected my wishes. but eventually i opened the door and he was right there with flowers in hand. the second time he refused the no contact and came to my house nonchalantly with a pizza. telling me i would never get rid of him and he wasn’t going anywhere. i don’t get it. HE DUMPED ME!!!!
i have scoured the entire internet for answers because he won’t give me any, and i have not found one article that sounds like this and certainly not letting it be like this for 4 years?!?!
what is going on? please help.
it has officially been 20 years (that’s including the 4 broken up) that we have been “together”. also we had a very healthy and loving relationship. i thought initially that he was going through stuff after his sister died unexpectedly or maybe even a mid life crisis ( he is 44 me 46) seems like the time men have midlife crises lol. but he never actually left. like am i confused to think that when you dump someone for whatever reason you drop them out of your life completely. cuz isn’t that the whole reason of wanting to break up?
to move on and experience new things and people? idk. i’m super confused at this point.
and i will be 100% transparent with you. i love him. i didn’t want this breakup. i never saw it coming and people know when things are changing. i didn’t feel it. he is my person. he was my future and best friend and if he said let’s try again… i would 100% say yes. i love him and i’m pretty sure he loves me still too.
thanx zan🩷
Hi Jenna.
This guy is refusing to let you move on. He’s selfish and keeps entering your life time after time because he doesn’t want to lose the friendship aspect of the relationship. This isn’t just a mid-life crisis. He doesn’t have any feelings for you (he even dated other people) and moved on. What he and you have is an unhealthy attachment. You have to get rid of it if you want to be happy. And you can do that only by separarting permanently and refusing to act like friends.
This has been going on for 4 years, so stop convincing yourself he loves you. He only wants relationship benefits without commitment. You need to realize that and get rid of him. He may not be a bad guy, but that doesn’t mean you should keep torturing yourself.
Do what’s best for you, Jenna.
Best wishes,
Zan
I had one ex who dumps me promise to be there for me. He has never reached out unless one Birthday text. He still paid for my language courses. He paid for things on my Amazon account. When I got into a car accident in hospital nothing from him.
Hi Am.
When you got into an accident, he showed how he truly felt about you. I suggest you stay away from him and live your own life.
Sincerely,
Zan
for me one of best articles that you ever wrote! And I know that I say this time to time!
Amazing illustrations of words! I will saved it to read it even later!
Thank you for helping all dumpers Zan ❤️
I’m glad you enjoyed it, Linda!
Have a great weekend!
Zan
Here comes a wall of text but please bear with me,
My emotions are really mixed and I could use some guidance now.
When we broke up 3 months ago she told me why and that I had alot of positive sides but that she needed to take my negative sides into consideration. She also said that she wasn’t closed to the idea of us getting back together in the future. A few days after the breakup and after I returned her belongings I reched out to her, I had let her text and explanation sink in and I wanted to give her my side of the story. At the start of the year I was really stressed out, from work and other private factors. She told me back then that it looked like I was at the start of exhaustion syndrome, nonetheless I was always there for her.
I texted her because I felt like she didn’t take my stress and exhaustion into consideration. And yes, she was a part of my stress but I also told her that I wanted her in my life and it was a trade I was willing to do.
She told me it was late in the evening and that she would reply in the morning, I never got a reply. I found out later that it was around that time she got together with the new guy.
I was sad and confused to not get a reply but life moved on. The real stress and anxiety came a few weeks later when a mutual friend told me she was already in a new relationship.
That’s when I went overboard and sent her walls of text. After a few tries I finally got a reply, she told me she understood my pain and that she would help me get through it.
A few days later I got her to meet up, I kept my composure and told her I understood my shortcomings and what I was willing to do better because the relationship mattered to me. I also told her I understood she was with someone else and that even though I had to tell her this I didn’t hold any expectations.
In the end we hugged and she told me to call if there was anything.
A few days later I called her, she didn’t answer. I tried again an hour later, no answer. I then got a text that she was busy and would call back later. Three hours later she called back. When we were still a couple she almost always answered instantly, and if not she always called back within 30 minutes or texted me and told me she would call me back. I don’t know if this three hour wait was just a demonstration of power or something else.
We talked for 10-15 minutes and it was awkward, I even asked if she wanted to hang out but she said she couldn’t.
Later I texted her and said it was good to hear her voice and that I was thinking of her. She left me on read and that was when I understood I went overboard bad. I should have just left things the day we met up. This was 2 months ago and I haven’t been in contact since then.
Even though I understand I went to far texting her I also feel it kind of says something about her character. She said she cared about me and didn’t want to hurt me with things I didn’t want to hear.
But she was the one who broke up with me and told me about my errors, a week later she starts a new relationship with someone who had been in the picture for a while (at least over text/phone), she refused/forgot to reply/acknowledge my feelings about me stressful period. And after that I was ignored and left to fend for myself even though she said she understood my pain and would try to help me through it. And this is something she was willing to do to someone who had been a close friend for 4 years and romantic partner for another 7 months.
Now I am in this peculiar situation that we have mutual friends and functions and we made a promise to not ruin the group synergy in case we broke up. Right now our mutual friends are keeping us both appart. And even though I understand my actions/innactions that led to the breakup I still think she showed me her true colors, and would I really want to be friends with someone like that? The breakup is still fresh and I am now in a setback period where my feelings are in turmoil. I miss her and I miss us, I wish we could go back to the way it was before we became romantic, and at the same time I am angry/dissapointed at her and don’t want to see her again. Maybe I need a few more months to let my feelings cool of and be able to forgive and forget.
The wierd thing right now is that the thing I am most anxious/conserned about is the coming new years eve.
We both, together with our friends have celebrated new year together the last 4 or so times, the start of 2023 she and I celebrated our first new year as a couple. And what makes me anxious is the uncertainty about this coming new year. Will we be able to celebrate as we did? Will we ever be able to? Will she still be with her new partner?
Will I have to stay away and celebrate on my own?
Hi Gordon.
You tried to explain your behaviors with logical reasons, but she didn’t care anymore. She’d already made up her mind and decided to talk to other people. No amount of reasoning was going to change her decision. She didn’t leave because of stress but because stress and other problems made her tired and resentful. You needed to let her go to show her you respected her decision.
She’s dating someone else which shows she wants to keep moving on and being free. This new year will be different, but you’ll be okay, Gordon! Trust yourself that you’re strong and capable of getting through it.
Hang in there,
Zan
My ex that broke up with me was crystal clear that she never wanted to speak with me again. She always means what she says. (We had a wonderful, conflict-free 4 year long union that she ended amicably) and it has helped to reinforce that there is no chance that she wants to be friends or have contact with me. (I went no contact right after responding to her break up email and have never heard from her since in 3.5 years).
It has helped to manage expectations and for that, I am thankful for this.