If your ex is depressed and you’re hoping that depressed partners come back, rest assured that they do. Depressed exes often come back because they encounter emotional challenges and stressors bigger than their depression. When they encounter unpredictable difficulties, they quickly realize that the relationship they had with their ex was fulfilling and that they gave up on it not because their ex was wrong for them but because they weren’t emotionally strong enough to fight their inner demons.
If you’re a regular of this blog, you likely already know that exes come back when something goes awfully wrong. When something or someone makes them unhappy or depressed (or makes their depression worse). This is because negative events ruin their envisioned image of a perfect post-breakup life, hurt them, and force them to come back for love, shelter, and recognition.
Even though your ex is already hurt (depressed), you need to keep in mind that he can get even more hurt. If he doesn’t find a way to improve his emotional health, his established thinking patterns and perceptions can reappear and cause him to suffer another emotional setback.
That’s when he could hit the lowest point of his life and realize that you weren’t the main cause of his problems. You were merely someone he couldn’t keep up with because he had too many of his own issues to deal with.
So if your ex is depressed and you want to get back with your ex, don’t think that you need to help your ex deal with his or her depression. You may really love your ex, but that’s not what your ex wants. What your ex wants is to get some distance from you so your ex can deal with his internal issues peacefully at the speed at which he is most comfortable.
Your ex needs to work on himself without you because he subconsciously connected his unhappiness to you. He basically felt trapped in a relationship and as a result, pushed you away so he could tackle his problems on his own. If you try to butt in and interrupt his problem-solving, self-healing journey and show that you “care” about him, you won’t actually be showing him that you care. You won’t be doing your ex a favor.
All you’ll do is show him that you have certain expectations that he isn’t emotionally ready to fulfill and smother him some more. This will in turn make him feel even worse than he feels right now and possibly even increase his guilt and cause him to cry or react with extreme anger.
Since your ex broke up with you because of depression, the first thing you need is to understand is that your ex didn’t become dissatisfied solely with matters that are unrelated to the relationship. He became dissatisfied with most areas of his life, including you and the relationship.
Depression is a very serious matter and can easily be misunderstood sometimes. It can make dumpees think that they must protect their fragile ex by helping their ex overcome external issues. In reality, though, they must mind their own business and remember that their ex projected their problems (internal or external) onto them and transformed them into a problem as well.
This is how most breakups occur. Dumpers find something bad to focus on and grow their negative feelings to the point where they absentmindedly develop contempt, resentment, disgust, or intense dislike. As a result, they start to crave the breakup, become cold, and wait for one final argument or disagreement to push them to leave.
Today, we’ll talk about whether depressed partners come back. We’ve already mentioned that they come back when they feel worse than they felt at the end of the relationship. But sometimes, they also come back after they’ve healed and found their peace. This is because they’re able to let positive emotions enter their system and redevelop feelings for their ex.
Such dumpers are usually very mature. So much so that they disassociate negativity from their ex’s pre-breakup persona and come back because they want to work on the relationship.
My ex is depressed
Your ex may be depressed and out of luck, but you have to understand that as depressed as he is that he still associated a lot of negativity with you and pushed you away. He didn’t do this because you’re a bad person or to get back at you for something you did ages ago, but because he couldn’t fight his internal conflicts and give you what you wanted.
He felt that it was him versus his internal demons and that he needed to protect himself from things that were making him depressed.
What exactly did he need to protect himself from?
I don’t know your ex on a personal level, but I know that one of his biggest concerns was that you required a certain amount of attention and energy. You needed him to do certain things for you and invest in the relationship like he did before. But because he was depressed and had very little energy to spare on matters that didn’t help him feel better, he began to feel overwhelmed and chose to invest in himself instead.
He did this by shutting himself off from you (and possibly others). Most likely because he needed to prioritize his needs before he gave love, care, attention, and support to you. He was very tired and wished to heal from depression.
But if your ex felt so tired and vulnerable, then why didn’t he open up to you? Why just hold it inside day after day?
It’s because you were his significant other. And you being his SO (the person closest to him) automatically turned you into one of his stressors. One that he couldn’t or didn’t want to inform you about. If he did, it would likely cause an argument and make him feel even worse, so he just kept it to himself.
Your ex often felt that you wanted too much from him and that he couldn’t keep up with your relationship expectations. This is true even if your expectations weren’t that big because the problem wasn’t in the things you asked or demanded of your ex.
It was in your presence because your presence alone smothered him. It made your ex feel that he has to give as much as he receives when all he wanted to do was rest and focus on himself.
If your ex is a man, it’s possible that he was ashamed of telling you he was depressed. He probably thought it was a weakness and decided that he needed to take care of it by himself.
But if your ex is a woman, then she probably just felt that the relationship was weighing her down and that she needed to do what she could to improve her emotional state and find inner peace.
These are just gender generalizations of course. But the point I’m trying to make is that most depressed dumpers feel a strong desire to run away and start anew. They are tired of feeling lethargic, worthless, guilty, hopeless, anxious, easily irritated—and just want to separate themselves from those who need them.
By getting some space from them, they can focus completely on themselves and not have to worry about whether they’re doing enough for their partner.
With that said, here are 5 reasons why your depressed ex pushed you away.
My ex told me he’s depressed
It’s extremely important that you recognize the difference between situational (temporary) depression and persistent depressive disorder (depression that lasts longer than two years). Both types of depression can occur because of work, relationships, death of a loved one, etc, but the main difference is that one lasts a few weeks on average whereas the other is much more emotion-numbing and difficult to deal with.
I won’t go into detail about these types of depression, but what you need to know is that if your ex didn’t have depression prior to the breakup that his depression is likely temporary and heightened by his understanding of his behavior. This means that your ex probably feels awful for breaking your heart and that his depression won’t last very long.
When it ends, he will probably stop feeling guilty and start dating someone else.
I’m not sure why guys think it’s okay to use their temporary depression as an excuse for breaking up with their partner, but I think that most guys with depression genuinely feel bad for hurting their ex, They hate being the bad guy because they know that they’ll soon start dating someone new.
In the past few months ago, I worked with three different women who got broken up because of depression. Not because of their depression but because their ex felt depressed after losing a job/business. You would think that their depressed ex would stay single and work on depression, but for 2/3 of those women, that wasn’t the case.
Their ex actually stopped talking to them and started dating someone else.
And I can tell you that the guys didn’t look very depressed on social media. My clients said that they looked “in love” and relieved and that they felt like a fool for falling for the depression excuse and worrying about their ex’s health.
I’m not saying all dumpers celebrate their breakups and start dating someone new the first chance they get, but I know that those who use temporary depression as an excuse for breaking up often monkey-branch to someone else. This means one of two things. Those dumpers either associated a lot of unhappiness with their ex-partner or they just ignorantly moved on to someone else and hoped that the new person would heal them.
I don’t think anyone should underestimate depression and blame a person who has it. But I think that dumpers should stop using it as an excuse when they feel extremely guilty and intend to try their luck with someone new a day after the breakup.
Do depressed partners come back?
Depressed partners come back. But since there are more types of depression, we can’t pretend that all forms of depression are the same. Some are more severe and last longer than others.
As a general rule of thumb, unhappiness will always be the biggest incentive for reconciliation (even for depressed ex-partners). It’s what causes couples to break up and what causes them to get back together after a period of no contact. The only requirement for depressed exes who come back is that they let go of the negativity that they created during the relationship.
This is very important because exes must leave the past behind in order to focus on the present. If they can’t or don’t want to leave the past behind, they can’t successfully repair their relationship. Instead of fixing it, they feel victimized/resentful and break up again when the same issues recur.
So if your ex is depressed, make sure he gets enough space to work on his depression. Give your ex so much space that he’ll be able to process the negativity, grow respect for you, and fall back in love. I know that psychologists all over the world tell us not to ignore people with depression, but that’s not what you’re doing with your ex. You actually offered to help your ex simply by remaining loyal to him. It was your ex who declined your offer by breaking up with you.
Now you need to respect your ex’s decision and look after yourself. You probably have your own depression or anxiety to deal with.
As always, there’s no guarantee that your ex will fall back in love with you. But the chances of your ex coming back after getting hurt for the second time are much higher than if your ex were to reflect on the relationship for no apparent reason and realized he’d made an impulsive decision.
Only people who break up with their ex to exert power make impulsive decisions. Those who lose feelings have a real breakup and not a fakeup.
So if your ex is depressed and you’re still wondering if depressed partners come back after the breakup, the quick answer is yes. They come back. But before they come back, they need to go through the dumper breakup phases and hit another emotional roadblock.
When do depressed exes not come back?
Depressed dumpers are honestly not much different from normal dumpers. They’re people with emotions, thinking patterns, and perceptions, which is why they don’t come back if they lack the maturity to reflect and improve their views on the relationship.
Immature dumpers don’t come back often because they don’t value their ex-partner. They don’t see any romantic value in their ex, so they keep moving on, oftentimes jumping from one person to the next.
I’d like you to know that such dumpers are not ready for a serious relationship. Not only are they emotionally unprepared for a relationship, but they also lack the tools to grow on their own or with the person they’re with.
Depressed exes also seldom come back when they blame their ex for the way they feel. This is because they feel victimized and constantly use their negative thoughts and emotions to stop themselves from getting close to their ex. Instead of improving their perceptions of their ex, they make sure their perceptions stay the same because doing so empowers them and justifies their behavior.
The sad truth is that many dumpees reading this want their ex back even if their ex isn’t capable of growing with them. They feel so hurt that they forget all the red flags and laser focus on reconciliation. I forgot about my ex’s red flags too when I was going through my breakup. My ex-girlfriend wasn’t the ideal person for me, but because I was sad and lonely, I thought she was the one for me.
If this is how you feel, I encourage you to get some space from your ex even though you don’t want to. The truth is that your ex fell out of love with you and pushed you away. He decided to deal with whatever he’s dealing with on his own and began to chase after happiness on his own.
Just how your ex is trying hard to be happy, you need to do the same thing. There’s no need to feel bad about it. You have to look after your happiness and your ex after his.
So if your ex is depressed and you don’t know what to do to win him back, try to focus on getting over your ex a bit more. When you leave your ex alone, you’ll also give your ex what he’s asked for and make it easier for him to think fondly of you.
Do you want your depressed ex to come back? What did your ex do after he/she broke up with you? Post your comment below.
And also, if your case is more complicated and you’re looking for personalized 1-on-1 guidance, click here to see our coaching plans.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi Zan
My Gf broke up with me (18) because she was really depressed. she told me she no longer had feelings for me because of her depression and said that she needed space for herself. I made a huge mistake by contacting her and pleading for her over and over and over and over and over. to the point where she blocked all the places i would text her. but she didnt block me EVERYWHERE she knew i could still contact her but she never blocked me. so i told her im sorry and that i will give her space and that i’ll be waiting for her. she said that if were meant to be we’ll meet eachother again and “no matter what happens i’ll always keep you in my heart” but even after that i contacted her and she was being really cold towards me saying “i dont want anything to do with you” “we arent friends” but even then i know that it was an act for her needing of space.
we left off good terms pretty much i did beg for her back a few times but im giving her space and i let her know that. she told me she felt loved but was too depressed and too busy for a relationship and told me that she hopes to be with me again in the future after she heals.
i treated her perfectly and she told me i was the perfect boy but she wasnt mentally stable for a relationship.
now im worried that she wont be back but i have high hopes because the way she would talk to me towards the end of our relationship like she was gonna come back. she told me she just needed some space to figure her emotions out and to work on herself and her goals before trying again.
my questions are
is she gonna come back?
if she comes back will things go back to the way they used to be?
Hi Syed.
You need to understand and respect her depression. She can’t give you what you need because she’s not happy with herself or her circumstances. Whatever the case may be, give her the space she needs and avoid reaching out. You need to start no contact and wait for her to reach out. If she doesn’t, you mustn’t either and that you need to keep detaching.
It’s too early to tell if she’ll come back. Try to focus on feeling better. If she does return, you have to take your power back and steer the relationship in the right direction. That’s how you can maximize your chances of having a balanced relationship.
Kind regards,
Zan
thank you for your reply, *update* she recently unblocked me and followed me on my social media and started being really nice to me again. She told me “thank you for being there for me” “thank you so much for making me feel comfortable around you” and told me she was sorry for how she was hurting me when she left. But she told me “she didnt wanna be friends, but maybe in the future we can be but dont keep your hopes up.” she also told me she started talking to another guy…but she only talked to him for two weeks and broke things off. red flag. i know. but shes not being herself at all i have known her for 1 year. she isnt the type to do these things so i believe its her depression making her act this way cause she doesnt wanna feel alone. so im choosing to ignore it. but were back in no contact. im giving her space and time she needs to work on herself. i would say i feel like im being used as a back up once her new rebound relationship starts but i saw her with me she was constantly sad and angry and just would yell over the small things. this is also a big part of the break up she told me i deserved better and that she treats me horribly and doesnt match up to my expectations. and told me a relationship is just too much for her. *i recently noticed she started removing followers and removing followings off her social* i assume this is a sign of depression she is isolating herself. she told me she also feels really numb and doesnt feel many things. her depression is pretty severe but shes changing slowly over a course of time. she was really cold and mean to me in the beginning and blocking me but a month later she unblocks me and suddenly starts caring for me. my questions are What is going on? is this how a depressed ex act? Why is she talking to other people when i treated her extremely well? she told me the depression was the cause for her to lose feelings for me. is that possible? why is she being nice again? why did she unblock me after i gave her space then continue to tell me she isnt ready for a relationship?
Hi Syed.
She definitely shows signs of depression. She’s deleting things from her life because she feels unsupported by them. She’s talking to other people instead of you because they can validate her more. They give her reassurance and make her feel needed and important. She likes this feeling as it feels empowering. She’s being nice because she feels bad for what she did. That’s it. She told you she wasn’t ready for a relationship to not give you hope and make you think you’re getting back together. She basically warned you to protect herself.
Kind regards,
Zan
thank you for your update. Zan, another update: she did end up coming back. She told me she always had feelings for me but put it on the side so she can focus on herself and told me she loves me alot but shes telling me she still needs to heal her wounds because i deserve 100% of her shes telling me shes unable to provide that due to her mental health. She also told me that she didnt talk to another guy it was simply to push me away for her space and she was saying sorry over and over for that and told me i can still trust her and that she will never tell me things like that because she knows she hurt me. we started seeing eachother for 5 consecutive days and went to the gym and dates and had a really really good time together and ended up making out alot. she told me she loves me alot but still isnt ready to be in a committed relationship and she told me her life is pretty busy, she has school, shes in sports which she practices for in school, she has games to attend to perform, and she has to focus on her mental health. She told me she wants to go no contact for a mininum of 5 months so she can focus on herself. shes gonna be graduating at that time. shes told me school is her biggest stressor in life so once thats over she believes thats really gonna help her mental health. she promises me she will be back and sees herself being in a committed relationship with me in the future and told me this no contact thing will make us both stronger emotionally to create a strong relationship. she’s telling me i know this no contact thing will be harder for you than me cause you dont need it but try to focus on the positive i will be back.
my questions are:
should i wait for her? (i am actively improving myself daily)
is it a good idea to go no contact and give her the space shes asking for to heal while i also improve myself?
will she forget me over no contact? (we only made very good memories and memorable memories whenever we hung out)
i still see her at the gym, she had told me we can obviously work out together. is this a good idea to try to start a friendship with her?
Hi Syed.
I’m sorry to say this but the relationship has ended. If she loved you, she wouldn’t have pushed you away and asked for a 5 month “break.” You should go no contact (don’t be her workout friend) and detach from her. She won’t magically come back after 5 months.
Show her you respect yourself and know when to walk away.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
So me (25) and my girlfriend (23) starting dating mid february and became boyfriend and girlfriend officialy mid April, and everyting was going great. She truly was everything i wanted, super loving and caring girl, and super into the relationship. Everytime we were together we both had lots of fun. The connection happend very naturaly, we got really close and went through all the normal things of a relationship. I met her parents and she met mine, we went on vacation together and with friends. Again everything going great. She was always more independent then me so she enjoyed her time alone, even though asking for distance is something that left me a little bit anxious i was always respectful and let her have her space everytime she asked. Around 2 months ago things started to change a bit, she was dealing with alot of stress from her thesis and her work was also taking alot of her time and energy. So naturaly we started to hangout less because she had less time. I noticed a problem when instead of enjoying the time we had together she felt distant. She said she was just stressing about all those other things i told you about, and could not get her mind off of things. Slowly she started getting more distant, not just physically but emotionally, even in texts. She even stopped being intimate with me, or finding time to be. Stoped doing things she liked doing, like working out and hanging out with friends. And some of the things she told me in the past month made me believe she had depression. Later on she said she didnt felt like her self anymore, and felt no motivation to do anything. She got professional help and i was happy for her. But things didnt really got better. She broke up with me 5 days ago because she said she cant deal with the guilt of not being a good girlfriend, and she said she doesnt feel the love for me like she felt a couple of months ago, so in her head it stopped making sense to be in the relationship. She thanked me for not giving up on her and staying with her for a while when this was all going on, and i respected her decision because i know how important her alone needs are, dispite me wanting to still be with her until she got better. Its been really hard for me because i know how good we connect, and how amazing the relationship can be, if not for this depression afecting her ability to give the relationship what it needs to grow. Dont know what to do, if i should wait or text her at somepoint in the future. Last time i spoke with her i told her that if she needed anything or to talk she could reach out to me. Im having a bad time dealing with the fact that it is over. No contact after break up until today.
Thank you and best regards
Hi Zain.
She made one of the biggest mistakes people do. She got engulfed with stress and associated her stressors with you. This made her take you for granted and stopped her from investing in you emotionally. Because of that, it was only a matter of time before she detached and lost romantic interest.
This person wasn’t capable of being in a relationship. As long as her stress-coping mechanisms are the way they are, she’ll push people away when life gets tough. And life gets much tougher than thesis. I suspect her attachment style needs work too. And it will be a while before she puts the work in.
I know it’s hard, but you must pull away and process the breakup without her. Rely on people who see that she made the mistake of running away from problems rather than working on them.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi zan, my boyfriend and I broke up 7 days ago. Its a bit fresh and It hurts a lot, I have been trying the 30-day no contact ever since the break up. He had mental health issues that he noticed 2 months ago, he broke up with me for the reason to protect me. I love him dearly and I know he does too, I want him in my life back and I don’t know what to do.
I also wanted to add that during the break up he said that he would block me if I keep persuading him. His friends have told me he is also dying inside like I am but it doesn’t change the fact that he may not reach out to me. He also said that he will talk to me if its closure, my friends have told me to distance myself and let him reach out to me. My only problems are:
1. If he is healed will he get back with me?
2. If he needs me but wants to protect me from getting hurt.
3. Will he continue to push me away even if he loves me?
Hi Jelulu.
I know it’s hard, but you have to let him go. He’s got mental health issues to address and can’t appreciate you and love you until he’s resolved them. Also, there’s no guarantee he’ll come back to you after he’s recovered. He may move on or move on to someone else. If the guy pushes you away, he doesn’t love you. He can’t as long as he doesn’t love himself.
All you can do right now is accept the breakup and let him do what he wants. Talking to him and proving your worth won’t change anything.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello Zan,
My boyfriend of 4,5 years just broke up with me a few days ago. We had a great relationship, we were best friends and each other`s support in hard times. A few months ago we started to fight quite often because we couldn`t seem to find a way to communicate with each other and our childhood traumas took over our relationship. I became very anxious and my ex started to withdraw. This was hardly affected by him losing his job and being very stressed and sad. I thought that he started to fall out of love with me and asked for more affection and attention from him… this went on and on for about 2 months when we said we needed a break to try to work on ourselves and see if we can fix our relationship problems. The break was set for a month with weekly check-ins. We realised where our problems started, what triggered us and how to avoid having the same problems and fights in the future. We realised we needed to communicate more openly and empathic with each other and that we need to be a team against any problem that may appear in our relationship.
But after the break ended, he told me that he can`t continue with our relationship because he realised that he is in depression and can`t handle one right now. He told I have no fault for how he feels and I did nothing wrong to him and that his state of mind is the only thing sitting between us. He told me that he love me very much and that his feelings for me never changed and won`t change for a very long time. He told me that he don`t want to lose me because I`m the best thing that happened to him and wish me by his side, but not as a girlfriend. He also told me that when he`ll feel better with himself he wish to take me out on a date and see if we could rekindle our relationship, but not to hold on that hope because it could take a month, two or an year. He wants me to move out but not right away, he wants to spend time with me and hang out, but not romantically. I also had a bad depression 7 years ago and I felt just like him, but I was single at that time. It is wrong to me to hope that he will come back to me when he`ll feel better? I have to mention that Throughout our break and since he broke up with me, he still tells me that he loves me and makes little gestures of love for me. I am packing right now to go stay with my parents in another city for a few weeks and I made him promise that he will call me if he feels like slipping in a dark side while being alone and not to believe everything depression is trying to make him believe. Next week he will start at a new job and start therapy also.
Do you think there is another chance for our relationship?
Hi Laura.
Depression can be difficult for guys. Many guys choose to run away from problems instead of seeking help and taking their time to work on them. The biggest mistake was agreeing on a breakup because during the breakup, he realized the relationship required way more energy than he was prepared to invest in it. He meant to say that he liked you and missed you (not loved you). If he loved you, he would have felt a need for his love to be reciprocated.
You need to stay in no contact, Laura. If he works on himself and realizes your importance, he could come back. But right now, he’s taking his time to do what he wants. I think it could take him a long time to come back. It’s not worth waiting for him because even if he deals with his issues, there’s no guarantee that he’ll come back.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan
An interesting article. My husband/partner of 13 years left me just over 2 months ago, he’s suffered with depression throughout our relationship, he’s attributed it to his childhood issues and poor relationship with his mum.
He’s now back living with his parents, he’s taken all of his belongings from our home, he’s told me he hasn’t loved me for months (despite having been telling me he still had feelings for me up to 2 days before he left) and wants to eventually divorce, although he’s not ready for that yet.
I’ve struggled to go NC and he has now become tyrannical and verbally abusive towards me. He tells me that his relationship with his mum is now mended and that it is me who has caused his depression. I have done nothing but try to support him throughout the years
I’m now determined to go NC – do I just give up, is there a chance that he’ll come back to me at some point?
Hi Clare.
Depression or not, you have to give up because he associates negative feelings with you. He might come back, but only if life doesn’t go the way he’d imagined. NC is about getting yourself back. I suggest you focus on yourself for a while and try to accept the situation. You’ll see things differently when you detach.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, Zane.
My former partner of 5 years recently ended our relationship due to his depression. It all happened very fast. He received a phone call from a distant relative stating that his grandmother (who has had Alzheimer’s for a long time) is not able to speak anymore. This trigger some childhood trauma on my partner, and he started saying that he was a shitty person because he treated her badly when he was a kid, and now that she doesn’t speak, he can’t apologize anymore.
He also said that we had to break-up because he couldn’t give me what I wanted and I deserved to be happy with someone better than it. He said it loved me dearly and that it was the hardest decision he has ever done, but that no other woman gave me 1/10 of what I did.
I am moving out of the house soon, but I found a house in the same city where we used to live, in the hopes that he may change his mind in the future. How should I proceed from now forward? Should I just him the space he needs and go no contact from now on? Should I check-up on him periodically to make sure he is okay?
Hi Patrícia.
I responded to your coaching email. I hope you got the answers you were looking for.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, my clinically depressed ex broke up with me for almost 5 months now. She broke up with me because maybe I was the trigger, it happened when she forgot to update me, and yeah I slightly made a big drama about it but before that I wasn’t completely giving her what she needs, like support etc.. we were on LDR btw. Anyway her problems with, school, finances, and probably with me caught up to her.. and after the fight she broke up with me stating “her love depreciated”. She asked for time and space but I admit, I tried to fix it and just made it worse…. Not I’m just messaging her once a month and got no response or even seen. She is active in social media, liking, adding follower, following.. does this mean I have to give up?
Hi John.
Your ex had detached over a long period of time. Now that she’s tired of the relationship, you need to give up. I know it’s hard and that you want to fix things, but you don’t have a choice. You must let her have the space she’s asked for or you’ll make her more resentful.
While you’re waiting, work on your depression and separation pain. This is the perfect time for you to get your life in order.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan. My partner and I had been long distance for a couple years. We had a plan that we would focus on our careers until the ultimate goal of living in the same city. I recently found out that he had been cheating on me and this greatly upset me because he always claimed he was working 24/7 and now clearly he had time for someone else instead of me or our relationship. He’s suffered from major depression which I believe goes hand in hand with being a workaholic (or so he claimed). I dumped him in this situation even though he was at an ultimate low because I couldn’t take it anymore, and also I know I want some one who is able to take care of themselves. I go back and forward between feeling guilty and like I did the right thing by giving us both space to work on our selves. Now I’m worried he’ll eventually come back and I don’t know what I’d do. I still care about him but the whole situation was very hurtful. Is it likely he’ll come back when I was the one who dumped him? I do hope he gets better and feels remorse but also know that I can’t hold my breath waiting for it to happen
Hi Angie.
He could eventually come back. But by the time he does, you might not care. You could see him as a cheater and a liar and find better people to date. Don’t worry about the future, Angie. Worry about what you can do today to recover emotionally.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex and I were together almost 1 year just short of a few weeks, but we have been best friends all throughout our lives and have known each other for 11 years. He has expressed to me throughout our relationship that I am the first girl he ever loved and said he wants to marry me. We have been doing long distance because we are both in college, but see each other every 2 weeks. However he has explained that the long distance takes a toll on him and makes him super sad. But mind you I am moving to the state he is in after I graduate for a job. He has also been dealing with a lot of family issues and lost in what he truly wants to do in life. 3 weeks ago he ended the relationship because he said he is overwhelmed and that in his mental state it is hard for him to keep a relationship healthy. That he needs to heal himself before he can commit to a relationship. He expressed that he doesn’t want to cut me off or never see me again but that he needs space right now. I have been giving him space and we havent talked, but he still follows me on social media but i unfollowed him. What do I do? I have been trying to move on but its been super hard and mentally draining.
Hi Alexis.
The guy may be dealing with a lot right now, but that’s not a good excuse for him to cut you off like that. There will be plenty of more challenging times for him in the future. He needs to learn to deal with them rather than quit. At the moment, he doesn’t have any more feelings for you, so all you can do is keep leaving him alone. I have a strong feeling he wants a more physically-available partner and that he might look for one or at the very least, not say to new opportunities.
Stay in no contact permanently, Alexis.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex suffered from depression since I met her over 5 years ago. At the beginning of 2022 she said it was getting worse and they adjusted her medication. She hated the place she was renting, we were looking for a house together, but it was on hold as we were unsuccessful the previous year and there was nothing out there meeting our needs, and she took a new job in Sept 2021 that she absolutely hated. Fast forward to Sept 2022 when she blindsided and dumped me. She told me she didn’t love me anymore and felt that way for the past 5-6 months. This would be about the time her upped medication would have took effect. I read that some of these meds can make a person fall out of love and I believe this may have played a part in it. I also believe she began to pin all of her stressors (housing, job, etc.) on me. So I became the focal point of her depression. She may have also been carrying on an emotional affair and that may have been why she decide to finally leave me. This other guy giving her attention would probably give her a mood boosting effect and ease her depression while I just appear to be the source of her depression. I am not sure when this guy actually came into the picture but I know she is now with him. Shortly after dumping me she moved to be near her mother she said and ended up very close to where this guy lives so I am certain something was going on even though she didn’t make them public as a couple until Feb 2023. I feel like she just kept me around as a crutch until she found someone else and the second she did she dumped me. It appears that she thinks leaving me she is going to end her depression, even though she had it before me. Also she thinks this new guy is going to bring her total happiness. Since leaving me, she moved out of a house she hated, she is closer to her family and she has a new boyfriend so it appears her life got better, but these are temporary boost and will not last. In her mind I am sure she now thinks I was the source of her depression. At times, I wonder if I was after how she made me feel when she dumped me.
Hi again Ed.
It’s not uncommon for depressed dumpers to find someone else. They think that someone else will help them feel better (and he/she does for a while), but eventually, they revert to their depressed selves again. Depression needs internal work, not just a chance of external factors. If you change the things around you, that means depression will resurface when similar problems occur.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
my boyfriend of almost 2 years was going through some bouts of depression since February where he will feel like he has no purpose or meaning in life. Sometimes, he will be okay and we spend time tgt but sometimes he will be withdrawn and rude to me. I cried during those times when he was going through those phases and he said we should end because he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore and he wants to be alone. He said he is not gonna find other girls and just wants to be alone. One time during these phases i remember he said he wants to be single for life. but he says he still cares for me. But another time during the breakup he said if he ever gets better he may chase me again unless I have a boyfriend.
I feel so sad and I don’t know if i should wait for him and what to do during this period or to just move on
Thank you so much
Hi Kim.
You don’t have a choice but to move on. He may be depressed, but he isn’t waiting for you. He had detached and may start dating someone else when he feels a bit better. You know that people don’t stay single forever. Eventually, they get used to the problems and pain they’re going through and move forward in life.
I suggest you take his words with a grain of salt.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, may I ask how do you know that he isn’t waiting for me?
Thank you!
Hi Kim.
Because no dumper ever waits.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your article, it has helped. My partner has a neurological condition and we became parents quite quickly to a lovely girl. I think he felt like a failure as a partner and dad, he lost his job and had to get a new one to make ends meet. He was always gone, and he just became sad. We argued all the time as he was never home and I was doing everything. He left, it was very very emotional. He cried a lot, told me that he loved our family, was still in love with me, but that he had to do this alone. Since then, I haven’t contacted unless it’s about seeing his child or child care payments, I remain in non contact. He has rebounded with someone 10 years than me. I don’t think it’s serious but he hasn’t once checked in since the breakup to see how I am, and can take days and days to ask how his little girl is, and only sees her once a week. He seems disconnected and shut down. His family see him looking drawn, lost and underweight. But he can put a good mask on. I guess I just have to let him do his own thing and focus on me and our girl. Maybe one day he’ll want to be a family again, but I fear he has a lot of issues and growing to do.
C
We also lived together and have been together for over 3 years
Hi Charlie.
Due to poor coping mechanisms, your ex wasn’t able to handle stress and depression. Instead of managing it properly, he let it weigh him down and allowed him to associate negativity with you. This ultimately led to the breakup.
Right now, you have to leave him alone. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back, but if he does, it will be when he has some kind of epiphany. Stay strong and direct your focus to your daughter and things that make you happy.
Sincerely,
Zan
Dear Zan,
I told you my story last year, about my partner of 23 years leaving me after Christmas and getting into a very toxic, on-off relationship 6 days after leaving me (although he posted on Linkedin that our relationship had been toxic, which to a certain extent it had been as I was very dependent on him).
Our family had been suffering from mental health issues (us and 2 teenage girls) and my ex had been unhappy for sometime (looking back, many signs of depression).
You advised me to keep out of his new relationship as it could get messy.
Well I did just that.
Apparently my daughter informs me he sees her occasionally (she tells me it’s a sex thing, although the woman wants more).
In December he was down sizing to a smaller property after the realisation our youngest daughter wasn’t going to be staying with him and to save costs. I messaged to say I’d hoped after a year he’d want to come home but I wished him well in his new home/life and so long as he was mentally in a better place it was now easy to let go. He replied back that he wasn’t in a better place mentally and that he was going to a support group. I replied that was good, we would support him and wished him a merry Christmas. He replied he was never celebrating Christmas ever again. My daughters told me he worked over the Christmas period.
Going into 2023 I can honestly say that I’m in a much better place mentally and emotionally than I was this time last year. And importantly, my self-love and self-worth has grown. And I’m feeling positive about the future and happy, especially as both my girls and myself are so much better and closer.
I sent my ex an email on 30th December as a sort of closure letter. I honestly told him how I felt, that although I wanted him back, if he’d choosen a new life with his new girlfriend and her children (who incidentially, he doesn’t like or have respect for) I was happy for him as not only was I happy, I was happy being on my own for the first time in my adult life and I would only want to be with someone who chooses to be with me 🙂
So thank you! Your posts and insight into breakups has been invaluable to me this past year, and I can move forward with positivity and hope.
Bev
Oh, I forgot to put that since leaving me he’s put on over 3 stone in weight. We both lost weight during Covid for health reasons and he was proud of his six stone weight loss. His healthy eating regime has gone out of the window that is both sad and worrying. When out Christmas shopping with our youngest daughter he had to rest as he had nerve damage in his leg due to the weight gain.
Hi Beverley.
Your ex is convinced that the relationship was toxic and unfulfilling, so there’s no point in staying in touch with him. Whether it’s true or not, he needs space to focus on himself and his new relationship. My advice is to refrain from reaching out and telling him you still want to be with him. This not only shows that you’re still hung up on him which kills the urgency to come back but also hinders your detachment.
If you need closure, talk to people who will talk with you about your ex. Just leave him out of it and keep him in the dark about your post-breakup life.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you 😊
Don’t mention it, Beverley.
Best,
Zan
Hey,
Thank you so much for the article. I found it incredibly helpful.
My ex boyfriend And I had been Dating a year, long distance. It was such a great relationship and I was / am so in love with him. We were so happy and always had such a great time together.
I know he has really struggled with depression for years, and he has been very open about it with me. We met abroad after a bout of his depression caused him to drop everything and leave.
He has said to me that he has been struggling with the pressure and commitment of the relationship (when I really don’t think I put a lot of pressure on him). I know he compares himself to others who are doing well (financially) and this makes him feel down.
He broke up with me last week as he said he needs to work on himself and heal. I find that really hurtful because I have only ever been supportive of him. It is especially hard as he does not have good family relationships and he still chooses to do this without me. He said he would look for another job to make him happier, so why has he chosen to get rid of me before changing job? Should I hold on to hope that he will come back to me? He says he has done this because he loves me. I’m so confused.
Thanks a lot
Hi Grace.
Men often measure their personal worth with financial success. They compare themselves to others and get hurt if they’re not doing as well as them. Not every guy is like that, of course, but those who do often have poor coping mechanisms. In other words, they don’t know how to protect themselves against their thoughts and feel pressured/not good enough.
He associated stress with you and broke up with you before changing his job. You should never hold on to hope. Hope makes you hold on to something that is uncertain. Focus on yourself and those who love you. Don’t talk to your ex. Let him deal with his problems alone.
Kind regards,
Zan
My feelings about my break up with my ex are confusing to me. He has been in a bout of severe depression for about 4 months and the first month it happened he broke up with me cause he said he didn’t love me or that he couldn’t feel it. Anyhow after about 20 days he came back and we tried to work through it together and then when the holidays hit he slumped back into a deep depression and just broke up with me again. He comment was that he knows he loves me but can tell he is hurting me by not giving me the love and support I deserve. That he needed to go it alone. So I didn’t fight it and just told him if it’s what he really wants then I’ll do as he wants. Funny thing is we had a great relationship before anything happened. So it’s devastating to me. Also, he never commented on my social media before and within hours of the breakup he liked a post from three months ago where a filter said in 2023 I’d be single. That actually hurt me deeply like he was happy he wasn’t with me anymore. So do I bother waiting or moving on? 3 years of a good relationship just gone? I’d like to have hope he’ll heal and come back to our life together.
Hi Veronica.
You should do your best to move on. You gave the relationship 2 tries, and that’s more than enough. Now it’s time to go separate ways and recover emotionally. Work on yourself as well so that your next relationship is even better.
Hope will take time to let go of. But if you tell yourself you want to move on, you’ll deal with it as quickly as possible.
Best,
Zan
Thank you again for your wise words
Hi Zan,
My ex and I just broke up less than a week ago. We were in a long-distance relationship for a couple of months and he was planning to visit me once he got his passport. We’re miles apart but I felt that we were so close to each other despite the 8-hour time difference. He always wanted to be connected with me most of time. He used to call me from the time he wakes up in the morning until reached his office, during his break-times, after he finished his work until he reached home. He used to stay up late or cut his sleep as well just to call me when I wake up. He started planning his future with me. I could feel that he’s really into me at the beginning of our relationship.
From the time we started talking, he already mentioned that he broke up with his ex-girlfriend 3 months before he met me. He became disappointed because his plan to start a business was ruined because of his ex. He lost all his savings and got in debt. He suffered from mild depression because of that and became better when we met. However, he kept on worrying about his future. He didn’t know where to start to improve his financial status.
Eventually, his depression became serious. He didn’t go to work for several days until his boss fired him. He lost his motivation and interest in anything. He felt hopelessness and emptiness. He became distant to me. He stopped calling and rarely message me. So, I tried to be more understanding and supportive to him. I took the initiative to contact therapist to start his therapy. He was cooperative at first and he wants to start therapy as soon as possible, but he lost interest in doing a therapy when he heard that it’s not working for others. I tried to convince him that’s it’s really working but he refused to do so. He told me that he will do other way and I should let him deal with his problem himself. He also told me that he doesn’t want me to get involved in booking a therapy for him because he doesn’t want me to pass his vibes to me.
Since I was really worried about his mental state, I contacted one of his siblings to inform that my ex is suffering from depression and someone should encourage him to start therapy sessions. When my ex knew that he became upset as he didn’t to bother his family about his condition and he broke up with me.
I never contacted him anymore and removed him from my social media accounts.
I don’t if should forget him and start moving on. I miss him. Do you think he will reach out one day and fix our relationship ?
Best regards,
Zareena
Hi Zareena.
Your ex seems to be depressed and angry at the same time. He doesn’t like that you contacted his family as he’d rather keep his emotional health private.
Clearly, he doesn’t want your or anyone else’s help and must be left alone. This relationship only lasted a couple of months, so keep in mind that even if you get back together, you won’t have that kind of relationship anymore.
He might reach out, but I don’t think he’ll want to fix the relationship any time soon. Before he does that, he needs to fix himself.
Sincerely,
Zan
Dear Zan,
Hope you are keeping well! Your blog & articles truly helps me find my way during these tough times.
My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me a month ago. Everything was going well in our relationship, occasional fights here & there but nothing truly significant. We love each other & I was honestly shocked when he blindsided me with a breakup. He was diagnosed with clinical depression a year ago because of a suicide attempt. His friends had taken him to a psychiatrist & has been on medication ever since! He also had mentioned his friends not to tell me or his family about this suicidal attempt. Ever since I found out about this, I’ve been more understanding of his issues & whenever I ask how he’s doing, he doesn’t like sharing his thoughts or concerns regarding his depression with anyone (not even family). Before the breakup, he ghosted me for a week almost & told me he needs to think about things. I thought he might be depressed so I brought him flowers & food almost everyday although he didn’t want to talk to me; he’d barely looked at me in the face. Over the phone, he broke up with me. He told me exactly this – “I can’t do this anymore, I’ve hit my lowest point. Our relationship feels like a burden to me now. It’s not your fault I promise it’s me. You deserve so much better, you’ll be thankful that I’m leaving you.” He was crying while saying this to me. He also said that the breakup was something he had not thought about earlier, but since a few days only. I kid you not, I felt like my entire world shattered. I thought our love was stronger than this, it’s so crazy. I got to know through his friends that he has now focused more towards religion & has also mentioned that relationships aren’t working for him at all. I also found out that he had stopped medication prior to the breakup because he felt like they weren’t working as he has started getting suicidal thoughts again (he has also written suicidal notes recently, however I’m not sure if this is true or not).
It’s difficult to face a breakup on its own but to also see the man you love go through so much pain hurts more. I wish I could help him, I wish we could be the happy us that we used to be. But I know it’s not possible & it truly hurts. I spoke about this to his psychiatrist as well as his parents. Advised his mum to take him to therapy too! I just don’t know how I can help him because when I did go see him & call him even after the breakup, he didn’t pick up my calls or reply to my messages. He also said he doesn’t want to be friends or see me frequently because that’ll just make moving on harder for him. I have been in no contact since 2 weeks now.
My question to you dearest zan is,
1) Should I be present for him during his hard times as a friend? I know that depressed people tend to push others away but I feel awful for leaving him in such a state.
2) Is there any chance he’ll be back? Does he miss me? I’m scared he will move on from me during no contact & that’ll be the end of our story for good.
3) Do depressed people go through the same stages of dumper’s remorse as others?
4) How do I move on from a relationship that was truly amazing & just broke off due to circumstances?
Sorry for the long message! I’m thankful for your time. Take care!
– Tharu
Hi Tharu.
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. Depression destroys many relationships. Many if not most dumpers say things like your ex did, “It’s me, not you.” They try to say they don’t want a relationship and that they have different things to work on.
My answers to your questions:
1)You shouldn’t be around him anymore. As long as he wants space, you should give it to him. You’re not a bad person for doing so!
2)There’s always a chance he’ll be back, but just as he’s looking after his health, so must you. You’ve got to do what’s best for you now.
3)Depressed dumpers go through similar (almost the same) breakup stages.
4)It will take time to get over him, but try to distract yourself as much as possible. Spend as much time around people you love and do the things you love. These are the two best recipes for getting over an ex.
Sincerely,
Zan
Thank you again
Naomi
Hi Again Zan.
Thank you again for your wise words and your time taken in writing them to me.
I have read many of your superb articles and you have shed light onto the way that a lot of relationships fail, including mine.
I realise now that I have given away my power in my main relationships. I feared that I would lose my last partner if I rocked the boat and complained about his self-destructive and at times selfish behaviour. I realise that I put him on a pedestal, believing that because he was a popular and very successful businessman I was somehow lucky to be with him and didn’t believe that my own achievements could count for anything. Unfortunately this tended to have the opposite effect as he did not respect my needs and feelings and it became a self fulfilling prophecy.
I know now that if I do meet someone new I have to define my boundaries as to what is and is not appropriate behavior and hopefully achieve and maintain mutual respect and a lasting , happy relationship.
This has taken a lot of time and I know I still have to work on my own self esteem, but I finally feel like I can hold my head up high and face whatever comes my way armed with new coping mechanisms and with my dignity and integrity intact.
Thank you again
Naomi
Hi Naomi.
It wasn’t just that you prioritized him over yourself, but also that the guy didn’t make an effort to see your value and invest in the relationship. He took you for granted instead and started to think the relationship demanded more effort than it should have. This resulted in a loss of feelings and eventually the breakup. The right kind of person will value you even if you appear to be more into him than he in you. But, of course, this doesn’t imply that you should just expect your partner to accept all your flaws. You still need to work on yourself and strive to be the best you can be.
Stay strong, Naomi!
Zan
Hi Zan
I left you a comment on another thread last year when after splitting with my partner of 10 years he took up with my so called ‘best friend’ and moved her into his house 2 months later. She then sold her house. You were very supportive then. I instigated NC immediately after we split although we bumped into each other a couple of times but after she betrayed me I blocked them from everything completely and removed myself completely from any social setting where I might encounter them and have never had any contact whatsoever since then. In other words I have had to leave behind many years of a great social life and try my best to create a new one, although as a mature single woman it is NOT easy. We are all in our 50’s.
That was a year ago now and I was completely devastated by their actions. I took myself to counselling and my real best friends rallied round and have been amazing.
He is a big drinker and took anti depressants but we had such a blast when we were together it didn’t concern me too much although I realise now that really he was more bothered about drinking socially and privately than being with me and my family.
Anyway, yesterday I was told that he (and ‘her’) have downsized to a small cottage so that his daughter and young family can move into his large luxury house and he can walk into the village to drink as I was told he recently got stopped and breathalysed by the police. I bet that has gone down like a lead balloon with ‘her’. ( He actually used to describe ‘her’ as a ‘gold digger’ and that I should be careful in my friendship with her!!!!!!). Apparently he is now regretting it, seriously depressed, and has even cancelled partaking in a large social event in the local community of which he was an enthusiastic supporter for many years and is ‘not is not in a good place’……and she has not been seen out for a while either.
So this article is absolutely SPOT ON in the description of his actions and how he allowed me to walk away when his indifference to me became too hurtful for me to bear any longer, despite the fun times we had. I know now how to handle the situation in the slight chance that he will try to get back in touch with me.
Your thoughtful article has given me valuable insights into the reasons he treated me like he did before and the way he acted after our split. I am the one who is moving on now. I am not usually a vindictive person but the word ‘Karma’ springs to mind, especially for ‘her’.
Yet again your words of wisdom have helped me in the rebuilding of my life.
Keep them coming.
Thank you so much
Naomi
Hi Naomi.
Rebuilding yourself emotionally and starting over at the age of 50 is not easy. Especially when you have other areas of your life to improve, such as your social life. But despite that, you persevered and succeeded. Your ex is already dealing with karma. His karma is daily unhappiness, mental health problems that he neglected, and regret.
You should try to learn what attracted you to him and why you put up with his unhealthy tendencies.
Kind regards,
Zan