If your ex is depressed and you’re hoping that depressed partners come back, rest assured that they do. Depressed exes often come back because they encounter emotional challenges and stressors bigger than their depression. When they encounter unpredictable difficulties, they quickly realize that the relationship they had with their ex was fulfilling and that they gave up on it not because their ex was wrong for them but because they weren’t emotionally strong enough to fight their inner demons.
If you’re a regular of this blog, you likely already know that exes come back when something goes awfully wrong. When something or someone makes them unhappy or depressed (or makes their depression worse). This is because negative events ruin their envisioned image of a perfect post-breakup life, hurt them, and force them to come back for love, shelter, and recognition.
Even though your ex is already hurt (depressed), you need to keep in mind that he can get even more hurt. If he doesn’t find a way to improve his emotional health, his established thinking patterns and perceptions can reappear and cause him to suffer another emotional setback.
That’s when he could hit the lowest point of his life and realize that you weren’t the main cause of his problems. You were merely someone he couldn’t keep up with because he had too many of his own issues to deal with.
So if your ex is depressed and you want to get back with your ex, don’t think that you need to help your ex deal with his or her depression. You may really love your ex, but that’s not what your ex wants. What your ex wants is to get some distance from you so your ex can deal with his internal issues peacefully at the speed at which he is most comfortable.
Your ex needs to work on himself without you because he subconsciously connected his unhappiness to you. He basically felt trapped in a relationship and as a result, pushed you away so he could tackle his problems on his own. If you try to butt in and interrupt his problem-solving, self-healing journey and show that you “care” about him, you won’t actually be showing him that you care. You won’t be doing your ex a favor.
All you’ll do is show him that you have certain expectations that he isn’t emotionally ready to fulfill and smother him some more. This will in turn make him feel even worse than he feels right now and possibly even increase his guilt and cause him to cry or react with extreme anger.
Since your ex broke up with you because of depression, the first thing you need is to understand is that your ex didn’t become dissatisfied solely with matters that are unrelated to the relationship. He became dissatisfied with most areas of his life, including you and the relationship.
Depression is a very serious matter and can easily be misunderstood sometimes. It can make dumpees think that they must protect their fragile ex by helping their ex overcome external issues. In reality, though, they must mind their own business and remember that their ex projected their problems (internal or external) onto them and transformed them into a problem as well.
This is how most breakups occur. Dumpers find something bad to focus on and grow their negative feelings to the point where they absentmindedly develop contempt, resentment, disgust, or intense dislike. As a result, they start to crave the breakup, become cold, and wait for one final argument or disagreement to push them to leave.
Today, we’ll talk about whether depressed partners come back. We’ve already mentioned that they come back when they feel worse than they felt at the end of the relationship. But sometimes, they also come back after they’ve healed and found their peace. This is because they’re able to let positive emotions enter their system and redevelop feelings for their ex.
Such dumpers are usually very mature. So much so that they disassociate negativity from their ex’s pre-breakup persona and come back because they want to work on the relationship.
My ex is depressed
Your ex may be depressed and out of luck, but you have to understand that as depressed as he is that he still associated a lot of negativity with you and pushed you away. He didn’t do this because you’re a bad person or to get back at you for something you did ages ago, but because he couldn’t fight his internal conflicts and give you what you wanted.
He felt that it was him versus his internal demons and that he needed to protect himself from things that were making him depressed.
What exactly did he need to protect himself from?
I don’t know your ex on a personal level, but I know that one of his biggest concerns was that you required a certain amount of attention and energy. You needed him to do certain things for you and invest in the relationship like he did before. But because he was depressed and had very little energy to spare on matters that didn’t help him feel better, he began to feel overwhelmed and chose to invest in himself instead.
He did this by shutting himself off from you (and possibly others). Most likely because he needed to prioritize his needs before he gave love, care, attention, and support to you. He was very tired and wished to heal from depression.
But if your ex felt so tired and vulnerable, then why didn’t he open up to you? Why just hold it inside day after day?
It’s because you were his significant other. And you being his SO (the person closest to him) automatically turned you into one of his stressors. One that he couldn’t or didn’t want to inform you about. If he did, it would likely cause an argument and make him feel even worse, so he just kept it to himself.
Your ex often felt that you wanted too much from him and that he couldn’t keep up with your relationship expectations. This is true even if your expectations weren’t that big because the problem wasn’t in the things you asked or demanded of your ex.
It was in your presence because your presence alone smothered him. It made your ex feel that he has to give as much as he receives when all he wanted to do was rest and focus on himself.
If your ex is a man, it’s possible that he was ashamed of telling you he was depressed. He probably thought it was a weakness and decided that he needed to take care of it by himself.
But if your ex is a woman, then she probably just felt that the relationship was weighing her down and that she needed to do what she could to improve her emotional state and find inner peace.
These are just gender generalizations of course. But the point I’m trying to make is that most depressed dumpers feel a strong desire to run away and start anew. They are tired of feeling lethargic, worthless, guilty, hopeless, anxious, easily irritated—and just want to separate themselves from those who need them.
By getting some space from them, they can focus completely on themselves and not have to worry about whether they’re doing enough for their partner.
With that said, here are 5 reasons why your depressed ex pushed you away.
My ex told me he’s depressed
It’s extremely important that you recognize the difference between situational (temporary) depression and persistent depressive disorder (depression that lasts longer than two years). Both types of depression can occur because of work, relationships, death of a loved one, etc, but the main difference is that one lasts a few weeks on average whereas the other is much more emotion-numbing and difficult to deal with.
I won’t go into detail about these types of depression, but what you need to know is that if your ex didn’t have depression prior to the breakup that his depression is likely temporary and heightened by his understanding of his behavior. This means that your ex probably feels awful for breaking your heart and that his depression won’t last very long.
When it ends, he will probably stop feeling guilty and start dating someone else.
I’m not sure why guys think it’s okay to use their temporary depression as an excuse for breaking up with their partner, but I think that most guys with depression genuinely feel bad for hurting their ex, They hate being the bad guy because they know that they’ll soon start dating someone new.
In the past few months ago, I worked with three different women who got broken up because of depression. Not because of their depression but because their ex felt depressed after losing a job/business. You would think that their depressed ex would stay single and work on depression, but for 2/3 of those women, that wasn’t the case.
Their ex actually stopped talking to them and started dating someone else.
And I can tell you that the guys didn’t look very depressed on social media. My clients said that they looked “in love” and relieved and that they felt like a fool for falling for the depression excuse and worrying about their ex’s health.
I’m not saying all dumpers celebrate their breakups and start dating someone new the first chance they get, but I know that those who use temporary depression as an excuse for breaking up often monkey-branch to someone else. This means one of two things. Those dumpers either associated a lot of unhappiness with their ex-partner or they just ignorantly moved on to someone else and hoped that the new person would heal them.
I don’t think anyone should underestimate depression and blame a person who has it. But I think that dumpers should stop using it as an excuse when they feel extremely guilty and intend to try their luck with someone new a day after the breakup.
Do depressed partners come back?
Depressed partners come back. But since there are more types of depression, we can’t pretend that all forms of depression are the same. Some are more severe and last longer than others.
As a general rule of thumb, unhappiness will always be the biggest incentive for reconciliation (even for depressed ex-partners). It’s what causes couples to break up and what causes them to get back together after a period of no contact. The only requirement for depressed exes who come back is that they let go of the negativity that they created during the relationship.
This is very important because exes must leave the past behind in order to focus on the present. If they can’t or don’t want to leave the past behind, they can’t successfully repair their relationship. Instead of fixing it, they feel victimized/resentful and break up again when the same issues recur.
So if your ex is depressed, make sure he gets enough space to work on his depression. Give your ex so much space that he’ll be able to process the negativity, grow respect for you, and fall back in love. I know that psychologists all over the world tell us not to ignore people with depression, but that’s not what you’re doing with your ex. You actually offered to help your ex simply by remaining loyal to him. It was your ex who declined your offer by breaking up with you.
Now you need to respect your ex’s decision and look after yourself. You probably have your own depression or anxiety to deal with.
As always, there’s no guarantee that your ex will fall back in love with you. But the chances of your ex coming back after getting hurt for the second time are much higher than if your ex were to reflect on the relationship for no apparent reason and realized he’d made an impulsive decision.
Only people who break up with their ex to exert power make impulsive decisions. Those who lose feelings have a real breakup and not a fakeup.
So if your ex is depressed and you’re still wondering if depressed partners come back after the breakup, the quick answer is yes. They come back. But before they come back, they need to go through the dumper breakup phases and hit another emotional roadblock.
When do depressed exes not come back?
Depressed dumpers are honestly not much different from normal dumpers. They’re people with emotions, thinking patterns, and perceptions, which is why they don’t come back if they lack the maturity to reflect and improve their views on the relationship.
Immature dumpers don’t come back often because they don’t value their ex-partner. They don’t see any romantic value in their ex, so they keep moving on, oftentimes jumping from one person to the next.
I’d like you to know that such dumpers are not ready for a serious relationship. Not only are they emotionally unprepared for a relationship, but they also lack the tools to grow on their own or with the person they’re with.
Depressed exes also seldom come back when they blame their ex for the way they feel. This is because they feel victimized and constantly use their negative thoughts and emotions to stop themselves from getting close to their ex. Instead of improving their perceptions of their ex, they make sure their perceptions stay the same because doing so empowers them and justifies their behavior.
The sad truth is that many dumpees reading this want their ex back even if their ex isn’t capable of growing with them. They feel so hurt that they forget all the red flags and laser focus on reconciliation. I forgot about my ex’s red flags too when I was going through my breakup. My ex-girlfriend wasn’t the ideal person for me, but because I was sad and lonely, I thought she was the one for me.
If this is how you feel, I encourage you to get some space from your ex even though you don’t want to. The truth is that your ex fell out of love with you and pushed you away. He decided to deal with whatever he’s dealing with on his own and began to chase after happiness on his own.
Just how your ex is trying hard to be happy, you need to do the same thing. There’s no need to feel bad about it. You have to look after your happiness and your ex after his.
So if your ex is depressed and you don’t know what to do to win him back, try to focus on getting over your ex a bit more. When you leave your ex alone, you’ll also give your ex what he’s asked for and make it easier for him to think fondly of you.
Do you want your depressed ex to come back? What did your ex do after he/she broke up with you? Post your comment below.
And also, if your case is more complicated and you’re looking for personalized 1-on-1 guidance, click here to see our coaching plans.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi…my ex boyfriend and I were in great relationship of 4 years and 2 years long distance relationship…last year he used to tell me that he’s depressed and didnt have energy to do anything…he started avoiding me from last year end…nd this year he said he lost interest and feel nothing towards me…we broke up…during our relationship he used to tell me that he’s so lucky to have me…without me his life would have changed to nothing…even his friends told me that he has changed a lot after I came into hs life…he’s even avoiding his close friends…that are calling me to ask about him..its been 8 months since we broke up and I used to call him many times…he blocked me in every social media…he deleted his instagram facebook accounts…he shut himself from everyone who was once a lot to him…but recently I found that he’s in another relationship tht too a few days before our breakup…what should I do now…will he ever comeback…or he will be with his new one…
Hi Stellamary.
You must give him space. Depression or not, he decided to break up and give someone else a try. The guy will continue to struggle mentally because he’s focusing on external happiness rather than internal. I suggest you wait for him to fail romantically and contact you to get back with you. That’s when you can tell him to work on himself (find help).
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan, thank you for a very well-written article.
I dated my ex for 9 months and he was honestly pretty close to perfect. He helped me through an endless number of issues and he even tried to move for me (my situation requires it, it was not a choice) and find a job here but he could not. It took me a while to accept him as we met after my separation and divorce and he helped me regain the feeling that I can be loved too. We had to be long-distance for a while and he had to be far away from family due to his work too. I felt him detach and he mentioned that he feels his depression creeping in. He has a back injury that stops him going to the gym which he really really loves and his relative was in the hospital. We broke up, even though he cried through it. Before that we were really happy and in love, no arguments. When we were breaking up he mentioned a few things, but all of them we discussed and solved before, but he said he “promised me more than what he can do”. I dont know if he will come back. I miss him insanely and still cannot believe it has happened. He is the sweetest kindest man i met and I just cannot imagine.
Can you share any advice?
Val
Hi Val.
We spoke on the phone about it, so I’ll be brief.
Your ex is dealing with depression and overwhelm. So until he deals with it, discerns your worth, and wants you back, you have to let him handle it on his own. No talking is going to help him fix those problems because he pushed you away to focus on them.
Stay in no contact and try to see that he couldn’t maintain his relationship with all the things he was going through.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hello Zan,
great article as always. thank you so much.
My ex had depression and we used to fight a lot. she broke up with me and she said its because we were toxic together. she stated that we both made a lot of mistakes. but she is done feeling worthless and not good enough and stressed all the time. also during the time she broke up with me she learned she wont be able to graduate university this year and that was a great deal for her.
when she broke up with me she said that she doesnt love me anymore and she had moved on and she was acting very cold and not allowing me to touch her. she said i should do the same and that she will be happy for me.
she also said that she is not going to cut me off from her life and she can’t even do that. she needs some time to be stable again and “go back to the surface” and then we can be friends.
it has been almost 1 month since we had any contact. my question is ..
is it possible that depression made her feel that she fell out of love and after she feel better she will realise that she still love me ? or is it lost forever ? when we were together she was madly in love with me she used to stare at me and says she never felt like that in her life.
Thank you really and looking forward to your reply.
Hi ibros kaya.
Depression destroys many relationships. That’s because it affects people’s perception of themselves as well as their partners. She could come back after she’s healed, but don’t count on it. This person needs to rediscover your worth. And I can’t tell you if she will. Only time will tell. While you’re in no contact, learn more about relationships so that you know that strong couples stay together despite failing to love themselves at times.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I began working with this guy who I fell in love with the moment I met him. He and I shared an undeniable bond so strong we couldn’t refrain from it anymore after 2 months. We decided to make things official after a very rocky start and had the most amazing month being together. We both implemented healthy changes into our lives and as a couple did all of the things we love to do together from surfing, camping, traveling and made future plans to do more things together. In this past month we spent a lot of time together outside of work and at work growing very comfortable. As of late and working for the same company, we started to become a little hostile and both expressing needing space and not really being able to since we see each other, also making it hard for us to heal and grasp our feelings of uncertainty and hope things could get better. During this month, he started going to therapy and I too decided that was needed for me and on our own for personal issues. We’d come together to bond and connect and grow as a couple and It all felt real until he began telling me he doesn’t know how to accept my love at this time and doesn’t feel like he knows how to show me love. In the heat of an argument at work he ended our relationship and decided to resign within 24 hours. I have not heard from him since, he blocked my number and told him to never contact him again.
I am so confused days ago he said he was proud to have me by his side. He tells me he’s in love with me and his actions validate that, sometimes his actions do not validate love. I am struggling to believe that he truly wants to end our relationship. I can tell when he says to me he wants to end us there is fear and uncertainty in his eyes. Is he done for real this time, is he going to realize he wants to be with me and is fearful of loving me? Does he see a future with me and is too scared? I need answers.
Hi Anonymous.
He seems to be done, otherwise, he wouldn’t have resigned from work and blocked you. You need to forget about the things he told you when the relationship was at its peak. Focus on his behavior after the breakup. That’s what really matters.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello,
Thank you so much for your post. it really helps when your ex leaves you without closuer or explination.
I was in a relationship with a depressed girl, she also had social anxiety, was self-anxious and hyper sensitive.
throughout the year we had a lot of problems, we would always fight but we really cared about each other’s. she used to tell me that those fights are destroying her and she can’t put up with them.
but at the same time, she loved me like she never loved anyone, she was madly in love with me, she said i check every item on her list and that im the best thing that ever happened to her, she opened up to me and told me things she has never told anyone before about her history and traumas and mental issues.
she was always anxious and thought im looking for someone else, and that she is not enough. no matter how much i tried to assure her she just kept saying those things. no matter how much i tried to help and support she always needed more and i couldn’t provide it.
lately things started to get bad and the frequency of fights increased, when we fight life is hell but when we are in peace we are so much in love and she keep telling me how im the best thing that ever happened to her.
1 month ago i went on a vacation and while i was there, she told me that she felt relived for the first time in a while and that she is doubting her feeling for me and she thinks maybe we should breakup. i overreacted and i freakedout and we had a fight. she told me she doesnt want to see me anymore and that we are done. she doesnt love me anymore and she has moved on and i need to do the same. when i came back from my vacation i forced her to meet to say goodbye, she was cold without emotions. i was crying my eyesout begging her just for a hug and she refused. i said goodbye and i left. i tried to contact her for few time after short period of no contact. she was very sure that she doesnt love me anymore and that she has moved on and she is actually dating(2 weeks after the breakup). at the same time she said that she doesnt want me out of her life and that she would love to have me as friend after we both are stable. and she is a person who needs someone to depend on and she doesnt want to depend on me anymore.she was feeling guilty and she admitted that she is acting bad, but being bad helps she stated. i told her that i cant stay like this and i still have hope and i will stay away from her.
i saw her few days ago walking with a guy and i went to say hello, she acted like she doesnt recognize me and walked away.
my question is.. will she come back to me ? or is she really over me. and did she really stopped loving me out of the sudden or is it only temporary ?
also, even if she has fallen out of love, since i was everything she wished for, will she falll for me again if we were to be friends ?
Thank you in advance
Hi Ibrahim.
She’s over you, but she can fall back in love with you if she can’t find happiness without you. At the moment, she’s relieved, so give her space to process the breakup. It’s too early to tell if it’s over forever, but it’s definitely over for now.
Hang in there!
Zan
Hello Zan, Thank you for your reply.
The last time we spoke she said she cant erase me from her life nor she can. and cutting me off would be easier but she doesn’t want that. and when i asked her why you want me to stay she said that she doesn’t know.
After that i told her that i can’t wait around because i have hope and i’m leaving and we should not be in contact.
Why does she want me to be around if she is over me ?
Hi Ibrahim.
She’s used to having you around. But that doesn’t mean you should let her do that. The girl just feels bad and would rather be your friend than lose you.
Stick to no contact and things will be okay!
Zan
Hi Zan I meet my girlfriend during the pandemic we were introduced the old fashion way through friends, She moved in with me after 2 months after dating and I discovered RX bottles in her purse.
I asked her what was that and she said allergy medicine. I started to notice her mood swings and distance. I never experienced this type of behavior in a romantic relationship.
I miss handled her mental illness and didn’t realize this wasn’t a mood or immure behavior this was something she lives with every day. I accepted her breaking up with me frequently saying this isn’t the type of relationship she wants but I never turned my back and I stayed faithful to her and she comes back days or weeks later. This time I’m sad because I feel this might have been a very last time She never hasn’t not spoken to me she’s ghosted me but then softens up.
I can’t get her to communicate with me and I send good morning text, offered any and everything to support her and get back to living our dream life and have kids and a family. She told me she needs to focus right now or she’s in a bad place but then go’s on instagram and parties and watches my stores, like all of them but won’t respond.
She is my best friend and I miss her but I feel like I’m at war in my mind myself because I could have done so many things to create a better environment for us. Should I shut the door and never look back or stay consistent until she snaps out of her depression ?
Hi G8.
You need to stop messaging her. Clearly, she needs a lot of time to herself to enjoy relief and go through the breakup stages. This person broke up with you many times. Every time she left, she detached more and valued you less. That’s why you should probably try to detach from her so you can realize you deserve someone more loyal.
You should close her door for now and be very careful about reopening them. If she comes back, she’ll likely leave again. Don’t expect her to change soon. Not even if she gets out of depression.
Best regards,
Zan
why is she stalking my Instagram on every post?
She’s curious about you, Rich. She wants to know what you’re up to.
Best,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Me and my ex were best friends for 5 years before deciding to do a long distance relationship (we saw each other every month or so for a few weeks at a time). She has depression caused by childhood trauma, and has recently experienced more traumas in her family. We were together 7 months and had an amazing time, we were in love with each other and had plans to move together in a couple of months time.
A couple months back she changed her antidepressants and her therapist had cancelled multiple sessions, she was also dealing with a few different stressful situations. She suddenly became more distant, then over the space of a couple of weeks told me that she was feeling extremely depressed, having thoughts of self harm and also experiencing panic attacks. Despite having been very much in love just a couple weeks before, she told me that she didn’t know how she felt anymore and that she didn’t know how to be with someone else while she went through this and we had to break up.
I told her I am here for her no matter what and I love her unconditionally, but I also told her she needs to contact me when she’s ready as I want to give her the space she feels she needs. it’s been a month now and we haven’t spoken – I know you aren’t a fortune teller but do you think there is any hope for us? I am in a lot of pain and it really didn’t feel like we should be breaking up, telling each other we’d had the best time and loved each other.
Thanks
Hi Stormy.
Your ex needs time to deal with depression. She can’t be unhappy with you unless she’s happy with yourself. So the best thing to do is to stay in no contact and let her hear out when she’s ready. She knows what she has to do. If the relationship was great, she might contact you after she’s healed. I can’t say for sure, Stormy, but try not to be afraid. Use this time to detach and feel better.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
My ex of one year broke up with me a couple of months ago due to depression and to focus on himself. He was very depressed after the first week of the breakup but soon started making positive changes (stopped drinking, going to the gym, etc) and appeared to be doing loads better so I was puzzled as to why he didn’t do this during our relationship. However I started NC after a month to let him focus on himself.
Fast forward about 8 weeks and he’s gone away with another random girl and posting it all over social media! He never posted anything of me on social media whilst we were together. I was livid, so I unfollowed and deleted him. I genuinely thought he would take time to himself to get better, and now I feel like a fool. Was he really depressed? And is there a chance he may get back in touch if this rebound fails to make him happy?
Thanks
I should have added – the ex was depressed for a few months and was exhibiting the usual depression symptoms (losing enjoyment out of things, getting irritable, had external issues going on). But now I feel they were never truly depressed.
Hi Amy.
He probably was a bit depressed, but not so much that he couldn’t snap out of it. I think he was mainly just unhappy with his perception of the relationship and needed a good excuse to leave. That’s why he soon found someone else and appeared to be happy with her. If he truly is depressed or has tendencies to be depressed, his depression will eventually return. He needs to change his interpretations and improve his coping mechanisms or history will repeat itself.
Stay strong, Amy!
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex of 6 years broke up with me a few weeks ago saying that he needed to be by himself to work on himself because he is not able to give me the things he thinks I deserve. I said ok and I understand as he has been battling depression for some time now (though he had seemed to be on the up). I tried to cut ties (which upset him at first) but he still randomly reaches out and tells me he is crushed, or that I am an amazing person.
Recently he asked to talk and I told him I am here if he needs me and he stopped texting. I reached back out to see if he still wanted to talk and he said he doesn’t know what he’s feeling or doing. I have been doing my best to do the no contact but it’s really hard when I know he is struggling. Some of his friends have told me he just seems so depressed lately and that he has just been partying a bunch. I know it’s not my place to worry but I do care about him a lot and worry he won’t come back.
Hi Karen.
Your ex has some things to work on. He needs to get professional help so he can change his mental attitude and improve his emotional health. When he does that, he might stop running out of energy with his romantic partners and also stop looking for easy ways out. I know you don’t want to leave him to deal with depression on his own, but it’s what he’s decided. It’s no longer your concern. You have your own problems to deal with.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for this article. I have an ex of sorts who tries to come back every 2 months to work things out, only to fade away a few days later.
A few months ago he tried to tell me he wanted a relationship with me
And knew what to do for me. He disappeared for two weeks and I let him have it when he reappeared. Two months later he asked if I would be open to a poly relationship Bc he can’t commit to anyone but he wants to see me, along with two other women. I feel like he’s trying to mind fuck me constantly. Help?
Hi AR.
You want a monogamous relationship, not a relationship without commitment. If he can’t commit, that’s his problem. You deserve to be with someone who will give you everything he’s got. Next time he contacts you, tell him not to reach out anymore. He needs to know he can’t come and go as he pleases – that you have self-respect.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello,
My ex and I had been dating for 6 years. We were bestfriends before dating. His mother passed away last year, and he had been saying he can no longer feel anything for anyone. I didn’t bother too much at first, thought it was just a phase. Then he started telling me to break up with him. There were still good moments but he kept on saying I deserve better. We have finally broke up. Going through the no contact rule even if it’s hard.
I still think he will return even if he clearly stated he won’t return.
Hi Zan,
Thank you for this article.
My partner has just left me after 9 years, due to a breakdown/depression. I wanted to continue in the relationship and help him but he’d made the decision mentally, months ago.
We agreed initially to stay in contact and he promised he would as it could add a new ‘perspective’. He kept pictures of me/us also.
1 week has passed and now he isn’t replying to my messages so I’m not going to message anymore and give him the space he needs. We both today still have each other on social media and he claims to have reached out to the mental health team at his occupation.
He originally moved to his parents, but is now planning on moving in with a friend in a few weeks time.
What do I do? Do you think he’ll come back?
Hi KM.
It’s too early to say if he’ll come back. But you need to give him as much space as possible. You must remember that he pushed you away so he could deal with his depression on his own. Whether he gets therapy or not and comes back is up to him, so let him do what he wants while you try to heal and move on.
Also, don’t look at social media and try to decipher his pictures as they don’t mean anything.
Stay strong!
Zan
Me & my partner are both 25 have been best friends now for almost 8 years. We’ve been through hell & back together more times than we can count. From bad relationships, mental health, to family issues. We’ve had each other’s backs. We started dating about 2 years ago, it just randomly started. And at first it was a fling & before we knew it, we were full on dating. She has been fighting with her mental health for several years now which is important because we never put a label on us, I never pressured her. I always said “when you’re ready let’s go”. But we were always together. Our friends didn’t think twice about us dating because we were so close. We were seeing each other 3-4 times a week. Spending the night at each other’s places. Going on trips & dates. The only thing left was essentially meeting her family which i had but as a friend. She had grown distant over the past month. The school year has been tough & I’ve always been a proponent of “go get your work done. I’ll be fine”. She’s the type to go to work, come home, & work some more. She came over on 9/28 & had apologized for being so distant. I said that it was okay & that’s when it all started. She dumped me. Both of us crying. She wants space at the moment to work on herself & her mental health. She had said that I was her therapy & that it wasn’t fair to me. Her words were “you always give me pep talks but when am I going to give myself a pep talk?”. She doesn’t want me out of her life & would be open to dating in the future. even threw in the word marriage. She’s been wanting to bring me home to meet her family but she can’t get out of her head. She’s always telling everyone how she feels like a burden on everyone. I haven’t spoken to her since 9/29, she left the next morning. We cuddled that morning, kissed, & just held each other. The only form of communication I’ve had since then was me leaving a letter at her doorstep saying that I missed her, I respect her decision, & that I’ll be there for her. I’ve talked to her roommate because they’ve been friends longer than we have & she doesn’t know if this is a break or breakup. Nobody does.
I started no contact & she actually reached out to me first on 10/21. Saying that she hopes that I am doing well, she wants to be around me & catch up but at the moment it would be painful not in a bad way but a I’m still sorting things out (her words), & that she is praying for me. I responded close ended as well simply saying that I had been working on myself, glad to hear she’s sorting things out, & that we will talk when she’s ready. She reached out to me again on 10/28, I sent a big invite for a Halloween party & she texted me back individually saying thank you & that she had a wedding but she would see if she could stop by. She didn’t but I didn’t expect her to. For a 3rd time, she reached out to me on 11/9. Sharing that she finally is getting the new car that she always talked about. I congratulated her, she said thank you & hopes it get built soon. I replied that it will be there sooner than she thinks.
At the Halloween party, her roommate came & we talked for a bit. My girl (ex?) had apparently wanted to text me sooner but her roommate had said that it may not have been a good idea because I was doing really well (shout out to the roommate). She also said that she wants to talk with me before we see each other again. Roommate does not know if she’s leaning towards getting back together or not, she’s tried to get her to open up but she’s keeping quiet.
I have been focusing on myself since then. Started doing the new things, started therapy, been in the gym more, more time with friends & family. She’s going to be in my life forever. She’s going to be in my orbit forever. I do feel like this is the person that is meant for me, I know you all hear this a lot but I have never felt this way with anyone before with anyone I have ever been with. Basically I guess I’m asking…what do I do now? Do I even reach out?
Hi Zan,
Thank you for your article. Really helpfull!
I have been in a relationship for 3 months with a man. Everything and moments were perfect when tragic events came into his life within 2 months that made him emotionally unavailable, depressed until now. We broke up last week even though it’s been about 6-8 weeks that he is being distant with me. Didn’t want to see or talk to me. Exactly like you mentioned in your article.
He said that he is not in the mood of dating or being in a relationship at this moment, he needs to work on himself. However he seemed to kept the door open by saying that there are no goodbyes, that we will see each other again, just need to let the time decide.
What do you think about that statement?
Will him come back to me?
In the meantime, I will do the the no contact rule.
Thanks in avance for your reply
Hi Ness.
Your ex might come back when he’s dealt with depression, but you must understand that he can’t keep pushing you away like this. Although he felt the need to push you away, he needs therapy so he doesn’t feel and act the same way in the future.
I honestly don’t think you should wait for him. He doesn’t hate you, but he did feel emotionally more exhausted because of you because he felt pressured. Do no contact but be cautious if he comes back.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex has just broken up with me after struggling with depression badly for the last 6 weeks. He has suffered on and off for the last 20 years.
We have only been together for 3 months and we both agree that we have loads in common and could see a future but he has acknowledged that he needs to get therapy and get better on his own.
We want to stay in each other’s life in some capacity and I am going to try and move on with my life but I don’t really feel like this is the end
Thanks
Kim
Hi Kim.
You’ve got to give your ex the space he’s asked for. Don’t try to be friends with him right now. You’ve got to put yourself first (just how he is) and do your best to get over him.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Just want to thank you for such a great article. It is the only one on the wed that is real. I find myself reference it every time I start to want to reach out to show I “care”. I always knew my ex had depression but never knew how bad it was until it was too late. I feel bad listening to his struggles and now realizing my attempts of help/support weren’t what he needed. I don’t think anything I would of done would of changed the outcome of us breaking up. He was spiraling in a deep depression and is choosing not to get help with his mediocre excuses. I was never overbearing but as you stated my near “presence” was too much. It’s been about a month without any contact. We work together and when I do see him I can still see the darkness he’s battling. I just say hi and leave it be. I hope one day we can have closure but for now you article helps me when I start to slip in the what ifs. Keep writing you have an amazing talent.
Hi Mary.
Thanks for your comment.
Your ex pushed you away which means he has to battle his depression without you. If you try to help him, he’ll only get agitated and lose more respect for you. I know it’s difficult and that you want to help, but do your best not to reach out. You both have to help yourselves before you’re able to contribute to each other.
Stay strong, Mary.
Zan
My ex was dealing with depression from the start to the end of the relationship.
Job/Lockdowns/Life maybe even the stress of falling in love.
It ended on a bad note – intimacy, we tried it just wasn’t working out – she always had to get absolutely wasted and that didn’t work for me.
In the end she was trying new medication and taking therapy.
2 months later.
Despite my best efforts, I’ve fell into depression as a result, I don’t feel myself anymore. I gave so much and it was all taken away (a huge learning curve).
I wrote a letter. I know, never send the letter.
I haven’t but a part of me wants too, I’m now ruminating. It’s not a bad letter either. more of a thank you, I learned xyz and will always be grateful.
I’ve never lived my life with what if’s and this right here.. is the only what if.
Do I want to get back with her? No.
Do I want to seek closure for my own peace of mind.
Yes.
I think it’s the mature element of me where I’ve learned so much but I’m also in a sad stage, where I’m doing things to pick myself up.
I’m undecided. The letter, whether read or not, doesn’t bother me. It’s just the act of closure.
Hi Paul.
Depression is one of the biggest relationship killers. It tears couples apart because it makes them very unhappy with themselves. With time, they usually associate unhappiness with each other and that’s when they feel they need to run away from the relationship (a big responsibility). They just can’t invest in the relationship anymore because they feel they need help themselves.
Stay strong!
Zan
Hi Zan,
Maybe you misunderstand. He has a psychological issue that gives him low energy. I just had thyroid cancer removed. Which cured my lack of energy. The point I was trying to make was that I was being an example: that even if I’m tired because of my thyroid I still work I still keep house I still take care of relationships I still go and do things that need to get done so I thought since I could do it why can’t he? He had little energy and I didn’t understand that it’s not something you can push through as I pushed through. I have been given a perseverance award at my last school because that is a type of person I am regardless of my medical condition. I was explaining that I was wrong just because I can do it doesn’t mean someone else can.
But thank you yes it is definitely something that has to be managed for the rest of my life! And I certainly need somebody to be with that understands.
Thank you so much for your time and input! I appreciate it a lot.
Nicole
Thanks for your detailed explanation, Nicole.
You both had different issues holding you back from feeling energetic. Your ex had mental issues and you physical (health issues). So when you cured your issues and felt better, you expected your ex to feel better as well. But he couldn’t because his issues were out of his control. They weren’t just a matter of willpower. Your ex needed more time, effort, and probably even therapy and medication.
Best regards,
Zan
You are right.
My ex is clinically depressed as a symptom of Schizotypal pd. It all happened as you described above. On his good days I’ve never felt as loved, in sync and connected with a common purpose and goal, on the bad days, helpless and turmoil. He used an argument to leave. Every week for a while he told me he needed to deal with his demons and can’t do that here and was torn between being in the relationship because he loves me and I him or being alone to serve God which he prefers because it is much easier than the expectations of a relationship he doesn’t have the energy to do.
Thanks for the articles. It helps me in some way deal with this painful tear.
Hi Nicole.
It became difficult for your ex to love you because he didn’t love himself. He was struggling mentally, so he left to focus solely on his own happiness. He just didn’t have the energy to contribute to the relationship.
That’s why it’s so important to take care of our own mental health before and during the relationship.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan.
He often told me he had low or no energy. I thought since I have a medical condition that causes chronic fatigue but still run a house, take care of a child, work and other obligations that it just took perseverance. I was sorely wrong.
I will heed that advice about my own mental health.
Hi Nicole.
Many people don’t understand nor put up with their partner’s psychological/emotional difficulties. They oftentimes get tired and fall out of love after trying for a while.
If possible, try to get your condition under control. And if you can’t, that’s okay too. You need a guy who will understand it and accept you for who you are, Nicole.
Hang in there!
Zan
I see my ex now as such an immature dumper and I see that he didn’t value me. so basically he didn’t see any romantic value in me, so he keep moving on and jump into next person…
And really I don’t see how my depressed ex will come back and I think I can’t meet him forward anymore and I will never go back to meet him halfway… and this is all thanks to you Zan 🙌🏻!
Hi Linda,
I usually notice that the dumpee has grown when she sees her ex for the person he is and doesn’t want his ex back. So keep investing in yourself, Linda. If you do that, you won’t be disappointed again.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi I’m going through this right now. I wrote him a super nice long message but in it I was also trying to tell him to make the break up just a break. I am scared because when I sent it I I thought that was best for him. But now I’ve read all these articles saying to not fight them leaving. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Jolie.
Since you’ve already sent the letter, just let it be. Your ex has his own issues to work on and you need to give him space. Let him be alone while you figure out what’s best for you.
Best,
Zan