If you’re going through a long-distance relationship breakup and you’re trying to get back with your long-distance ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, you need to understand that long-distance relationship breakups aren’t any different from close-distance ones.
They are the same in terms of what dumpers need to process them and enjoy their lives. Dumpers still need lots of space and time to themselves and mustn’t be given a hard time about the breakup. If their ex contacts them, talks to them, or in any way, shape, or form annoys them, they tend to feel trapped and guilt-tripped even if their ex is nowhere near them physically.
That’s because their ex is too close to them emotionally for them to enjoy their post-breakup relief and spend time on things that matter to them.
So if you’re trying to learn the dynamics of a long-distance relationship breakup, keep in mind that your ex needs to go through the dumper stages just like any ordinary dumper. Your ex needs to be left to his or her devices and message or call you willingly.
You can’t be the one to message your ex because you’ll let your ex know you have feelings and expectations and end up pressuring your ex to do what you want him/her to do. This will make your ex feel that he or she is losing control over the breakup and that the best thing to do is to push you away forcefully.
You’ve got to understand that a long-distance breakup is still a breakup. It indicates that your ex fell out of love with you and that no convincing is going to make your ex want to regret breaking up with you and want you back. The only thing that could change your ex’s mind are the thoughts your ex willingly thinks.
Long-distance breakups can be scary because they feel like you’ll never get a chance to showcase change and growth and that your ex will just start dating someone more physically available than you. But you have to understand that dumpees (LDR or not) can’t prove they’ve changed after the breakup.
They can’t make their ex see their changes because their ex detached emotionally and doesn’t care about whether they change or not. Their ex gave up on them when he or she discerned that their ex isn’t the person for them and that they can’t get what they want out of the relationship.
As for the dumper dating someone else, try not to think about that right now.
Seldom do dumpers remain single for long. Only those who have trouble committing, maintaining relationships, and meeting new people stay single. That’s the unfortunate truth dumpees need to face.
In this article, we’ll discuss the dynamics of a long-distance relationship breakup. We’ll talk about the things your ex needs from you to respect you and perhaps even miss you.
The LDR breakup when you never met
Let’s start with one of the more interesting types of breakups. If you met your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend online on a dating app, a forum, or in a video game, you’re dealing with an LDR breakup with no physical bonding. You never got to know each other physically—only through text, audio, and/or video—and will have an easier time processing the end of the relationship.
That’s because you got attached to your ex, but not as attached as you would have gotten if you dated your ex in person and experienced the relationship the way “normal” couples do. I’m not saying that you can’t have a strong emotional connection over the distance as couples can get attached to each other without ever seeing each other too.
All I’m saying is that you have fewer romantic moments to think about and are, as a result, going to feel less nostalgic and afraid. Your self-esteem will decrease less because you’ll have fewer things and people to compare your relationship to.
You’ll still suffer, only a little bit less. How much you suffer (in any breakup) depends on your self-esteem, what your ex says and does, and how many breakup mistakes you make.
The reason why physical relationships hurt more is that couples see hear, smell, taste, and touch their partner. They use all their senses and become addicted to the feedback they receive from them. As a result, it takes them a while longer to get used to not receiving these external stimulations.
Getting back together with someone you only knew online isn’t impossible, of course, but you do have to consider the fact that your ex can establish a strong or perhaps even stronger bond with someone new. That is unless your ex was emotionally or financially dependent on you.
But in that case, your ex could come back for the wrong reasons and use you. You need to figure your ex out before you take your ex back and risk getting taken for granted again.
If your relationship was long-distance and you never met, here’s what you should do:
- Leave your ex alone
- Go no contact
- Regain your rationality and figure out if your ex is a person you want to be with
- Let your ex be the one to reach out
- If your ex does reach out, discern if it’s a breadcrumb or if your ex loves you and want you back
- Let your ex do all the work (the calling/texting, initiating conversations, and creating plans to fix the relationship)
Things not to do:
- Take a cab/jump on a plane to see your ex in person
- Beg your ex to take you back
- Lose your cool if your ex starts dating
- Accuse your ex of cheating
- Demand closure and validation
- Appear unattractive in any way
When you break up in the first 6 months of dating
If you dated your ex only for a short while (6 months or less), what you had was a short-term relationship. You got along at first and everything was great, but then you started encountering problems and distancing yourselves from each other. Because you couldn’t find a way to bond and maintain the relationship, the relationship worsened with time when it should have gotten stronger.
As a result, the less patient and committed person took the relationship for granted, detached, and left, thinking he or she deserves someone better.
Now that your long-distant partner left you, you need to figure out what kind of person loses interest so quickly. Why would your LDR partner give up when the relationship just started getting serious?
Perhaps the answer you’re looking for is in the question itself. Because the relationship got out of the honeymoon stage, it demanded more attention, communication, and bonding. It required you to listen to each other’s feedback and grow together.
But because your ex wasn’t ready to do all these things (or maybe your ex wasn’t ready for a new relationship), your ex began to feel suffocated and thought that being in a relationship with you didn’t make him or her happy.
So what does it mean if your ex dumped you while the relationship was still new? It means that your ex wasn’t ready and willing to maintain the long-distance relationship. Your ex probably wanted something better/different and more physically fulfilling. It’s hard to say what your ex wanted.
But if you didn’t have any nasty arguments, it was probably poor relationship mentality or some kind of unresolved personal issue.
The only thing you can do is go indefinite no contact and hope that your ex got the grass is greener syndrome. If your ex got gigs, your ex will have to go through the grass is greener syndrome stages and discover your worth through pain and self-reflection.
When you break up after 6 months of dating
If your relationship lasted longer than half a year, you didn’t lack chemistry. The breakup was probably caused by something couples encounter after they get to know each other. Something like trust issues, insecurities, poor communication, a lack of understanding of themselves, neediness/different relationship expectations, and a lack of bonding, determination, and commitment.
LDR couples who break up after 6 months usually do so because they can’t find way to work together. Instead of joining hands, they continue to bicker and experience more issues than they solve.
That’s why they eventually realize that their long-distance relationship isn’t working for them and that they’ll be happier if they break up and focus on themselves.
When you get broken up with by your LDR partner, you have to immediately accept the breakup. You have to show that you’re in control of your emotions and that you won’t try to change your ex’s mind.
The downside of a long-term long-distance relationship breakup is that your ex already knows you and won’t fall for tricks and gimmicks (manipulation techniques and inauthentic behavior). He or she will find them annoying and might lose more respect for you.
So if your ex broke up with you after 6 months of dating, keep in mind that your ex will need a lot of time to go through the breakup stages. He or she will have to forget about you for a while and get in some kind of trouble before your ex can start to miss you and crave your affection.
Whatever you do, don’t wait for your ex to have a change of heart. You could wait a very long time for that to happen. And even if you wait for years, there’s no guarantee that your ex will change the way he or she thinks and feels about you.
The main reason LDR breakups happen
Long-distance relationship breakups often occur because couples drift apart. Intead of focusing on bonding, they do their own things and in doing so, lose interest and attraction to each other. This causes dumpees to become needy and insecure, so they end up pressuring their partner and pushing him or her away.
I have personally seen this happen so many times, I lost track. I can only say that when it happens, the dumper usually doesn’t want anything to do with the dumpee. He or she just wants to focus on the life ahead and avoid being reminded of the past.
Long-distance relationship couples need to keep their relationship moving just like regular couples. They need to discuss the future, plan vacations, communicate often and efficiently, and bond in any way they can. This is how they can stay grateful and committed and grow with each other.
Those who don’t grow tend to stagnate. And if they stagnate, stressors, mental health illnesses, and disagreements can break them up. So next time you enter into a long-distance relationship, make sure to do your part. Invest in yourself and your partner and encourage your partner to do the same.
Did you break up with your long-distance partner? Was it the physical distance that split you up or perhaps some other relationship problem? Let us know what caused your breakup in the comments below.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I was in my first relationship. It felt so good and there wasn’t really anything going wrong in the relationship. I could see her every weekend for the first 8 months as I was working in London but work paid for my travel to come back home and visit her in Scotland where she was studying. However she was going to a new university in Paris to study business after the summer. As I was working in London I thought we could make it work if we seen each other on average every 3 weeks and got the Eurostar. I would’ve went every week but the Eurostar is very pricey. We went on holiday on the summer and I also visited her in a separate trip to her home in Spain and to Paris to help her settle in. Everything was great. No major problems or serious arguments. She was so sweet and a lovely girlfriend. I was falling more and more in love with her. After the trip she started at her new university. We would then see each other twice over weekends in the next two months before she broke up with me which felt totally out of the blue. She initially told me how worried she was about making new friends and she cried to me about it. However quickly she made lots of new friends and I knew she’d be meeting new guys and they’d flirt with her but she told me everything and if someone was flirting. This made me trust her so much. Just two weeks before the breakup she was still talking about marriage, having kids and saying she loved me more than anything in the world. She even texted me “We can never breakup. We either marry or I kill you”. We’d text throughout the day and speaking on video call for 1-2 hours every night. Just over a week before the breakup she mentioned that a guy she met was flirting with her on the train to uni. The next week she kind of got distant. Although I didn’t notice too much at the time. 5 days before the breakup she called me after she’d been out doing karaoke with friends and said she was about our relationship. I burst out into tears because I was shocked to hear those words. She then said that she was worried about the distance. The plan was for me to try to get an offshore job and then I could spend 4 weeks with her at a time then 4 weeks working. However, if that didn’t happen her uni finished after 2 years and she’d possibly get a job with London and we’d move in together. However she had now said that it would be hard for her to get a job in London and said she didn’t think I would get an offshore job. I said in hindsight wrongly not to worry about it right now and that I’d get offshore job. She also brought up that I hadn’t started learning Spanish yet and that it’s important for me to learn to communicate with her family in Spain but this concern came out of nowhere. I booked a lesson right away for the following week. The day before she broke up with me she called that evening saying she’d been out with dinner with a friend. I asked who and she said it was the guy from the train. I couldn’t believe she went out for dinner with a guy but she reassured me he was only a friend and trying to make more friends on the course. After our call I sat and thought about it and thought it was very weird. Also I had just packed all my stuff in Scotland before I went to London for work to visit her the following week. The next night I confronted her more about seeing this guy saying it was disrespectful to me and also it wasn’t confirmed that it wasn’t a date till they were out for dinner. Right after that conversation she said that our relationship wasn’t working and she wanted to breakup because of distance and she needed time to work on herself. I was shocked and upset and tried to get her to explain to me. At the time I believed everything she was telling me because I trusted her so much. I told her that I didn’t understand and asked why we couldn’t talk about it first but she offered little answer. After the call I sent a couple of messages saying how shocking it was and that I’d even have moved to Paris and found some sort of solution but of course she wouldn’t listen. I mentioned how we’d need to swap our stuff at some point and I’d still be in Paris in 7 weeks on a trip that was initially to see her as well as go see a football match with my brother. I actually booked that trip right before the breakup call. A third trip was also planned to see her in Malaga for Christmas. I wasted about £1000 on canceled plans in total. I stayed in no contact till just before the visit to arrange the meet up to swap stuff in December. We caught up about what had happened in our lives the last few weeks but I also tried to get an explanation out of her as the sudden breakup didn’t make sense to me. She was still cold like she was when she broke up with me. She still said it was because distance and she needed to work on herself. I however hinted it looked like she got distant after she met that guy but she refused it was that and said she isn’t dating anyone. I asked what was wrong between us and she said nothing and that I was a good boyfriend. I wished her the best with everything and haven’t contacted since. I’ve noticed some signs that possibly it still isn’t done for good. She left one set of photos with me up on Instagram, still is in shared Spotify playlists, still wearing jewellery I bought her in a photo on Instagram and her mum still has me in her profile picture on Facebook.
I’m looking for advice on what to do next to get her back? I think I will try to move on for now and I’ll be in Paris again next summer for Olympics so could ask to meet up then if either of us hasn’t moved on to a new relationship but that is a long time away. Is there any way I could get her back sooner or alternative way I could go about it?
Also do you have any thoughts on how she changed her mind so quickly?
Hi Anonymous.
The girl has a lot of leaning and growing to do. She probably developed a crush on the train guy and became doubtful about you because of him. She lacked the tools to deal with temptations and negative thoughts. Hence she blamed the distance for her problems and got closed to him. I don’t think she wants to work on herself. She wants to focus on herself and those who empower her.
She simply fell out of love because her relationship mentality wasn’t good enough. Maybe one day, she’ll see what she did and that it was wrong. I suggest that you avoid communicating with her. Don’t invite her out either. She needs to do all the work from now on. She changed her mind so quickly because she like the validation she was getting and wanted to explore other options. Her morals weren’t good enough to stop her from doing the right thing.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan. Do you think there is much chance she will reach out to me one day?
Hi Anonymous.
If the relationship was healthy, yes, she probably will.
Zan
Hi Zan,
Am Yasmine, and thank you so much to your valuable advises. My relationship was online and never met my ex-bf (we worked together online), 14 months of knowing him, talking to him almost 24 hrs a day, and 4 months of being in a relationship with him. We were planning to meet but things happen.
We broke up, I guessed I pushed him away for breaking up with me, like 4 times I told him to better end it, as I could see he’s having a hard time to maintain it due to his busy schedule at work and am insecure to his other online female friends. So in the end he accepted it, however, that broke my heart & cried a lot in the phone, but I didn’t beg nor plead.
The 1st 3 months when we broke up, 1st day of the month he’s gonna call maybe just to check how am I. For months, he’s always liking my posts and 1st to comment on my posts. If he does that, I also liked back his latest post and made some comments too. But that’s all our interactions, then on the 4th month he called up after I did not talk to him for a month, the reason is mainly for himself and maybe an “indirect apology.” I’m still very forthcoming to him and tried to help him about the app.
To make it shorter, since April aside he’s giving me many breadcrumbs, he’s trying to chat with me at least like 6 times. Am replying to his chat, but stopping myself to stay than necessary it’s needed. Since May, I don’t respond to his breadcrumbs and I no longer share any updates about me. From that time, he’s purposely not doing his tasks when I started to do NC diligently, also he started to ignore my messages again because am doing NC. Then, he called up 1 night saying he has huge sin to me, and wants to apologize for not doing his task. So the next week, since he called last week so I called to remind him about his task (he didn’t reply on my msg so I called). Then, he took the opportunity to say that “for a very long time he wants to tell/ do to me”… then I got panicked and told him it’s midnight already, we can continue our conversation later. But later, I never asked him what exactly he wants to do/ what he wants to talk to me. Then, I feel he’s colder again to me, then, in a few days he will try to apologize for some little stuff, or message me some nonsense.
I feel better now after grueling 9 months without him. Shall I continue NC or should I ask him what he wants to talk about?
Thank you and Stay Well Everyone,
Yasmine
Hi Yasmine.
Continue with NC. Don’t reach out now and risk getting hurt again. It’s not worth it! It doesn’t matter what he wanted to say. It’s not important. Even if he wanted you back, the relationship wouldn’t work becauase it’s unlikely that he worked on himself during the time apart.
So remember how badly the breakup hurt and don’t reach out.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for writing this. My LDR bf (different continents) dumped me a few days ago because of the distance. When he dumped me, I cried for a few minutes, then got up and asked a couple questions for closure. We decided no contact. A couple hours later, I made the rookie mistake of asking to call with him. At the time, I strongly felt like I would regret it if I didn’t. What ensued was an hour of me begging him not to do it. He said he had nothing left to say. He finally said he would be open to trying again in two years, which was originally when we had planned to close the gap. I asked if we could stay in contact and he asked me if it wouldn’t be too difficult for me, especially if he were seeing other people. I told him no (obviously, I was out of my mind) and we agreed to stay in contact. The next morning, I woke up knowing that I could never take him back that easily. He destroyed me during that phone call and I needed him to do it to get over it, even if it made me look pathetic. Despite saying I wanted to keep in contact, I’ve now blocked him on all means of communications and have not talked to him since the day of the breakup. I’m at a place now where I feel like it’s a good thing he ended the relationship, because it was uneven and I deserve better than that. If in two years, he did want to get back together, he would need to prove to me something has changed. I still love him, but I can’t disrespect myself like that again. What is the likelihood that he will try to get in contact with me before the two years?
For more context, the relationship was 11 months, we met once for one week 2 months ago. He told me he still loved me but couldn’t do the distance anymore. Not sure if it’s GIGS or something else, but it doesn’t change the fact that he threw me away.
Hey Zan,
I came up with your website when looking for an advice and I would really appreciate if you help me.
My girlfriend and I know each other since July so it’s been 7 months. She lives in Russia and I live in Turkey. We both have iPhones and usually communicate through iMessage and in the first month she wanted to share live location of herself. I told her it’s not necessary to do that because I trusted her but she told me it’s better if I know where she is. We have 2 years of age difference. I still have 2 years in college and she has her own job a hairdresser. She is actually my first girlfriend even if it’s long distance relationship. We have 3 hours of difference and she works 10 hours every three or four days in shifts. She gets really tired because she has to work on foot. Our relationship was going perfect until January we talked every day, even our families know about our relationship and planned a trip to see each other but her family had health problems so she had to cancel it. After the new year she started being cold towards me and asked for a pause for a week. During that break her friend told me that she had gone through difficult times two months ago while we were together(A death related to her ex) but I didn’t know about that. I know everyone has some kind of private things but it made me left out of her life yet I respected her opinion and I don’t want every tiny detail about her past. We started talking back together a week ago because I sent her a package with gifts for New Year but she got it lately. There was a beautiful ring with I love you written in 100 diffrent languages which she wanted for a long time and a plush koala bear with a letter and a love quotes, Things were going well but she was still busy with work and tired a lot. Yesterday she wanted to break up with me. I was devastated and tried to save our relationship but she told me to respect her choice. I was planning a visit to see her on Valentine’s Day. She has gone through a lot of difficult things and I was not able to help her. I’m sort of emotional guy toward to people I care. I still don’t believe this is a breakup because she still shares her live location with me and still has me on Instagram and other social media. I want to save this relationship and I’m willing to hear your advices on this. Thank you for your help in advance.
Hello, Zan. Merry christmas.
I’ve come across your site asking google what are the odds that my ex come back to me.
Just like in this post, we’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 3 months.
I know it’s just some weeks, but what we had was more intense than my longest, 4-year relationship.
We’ve meet through Quora and she lives 1600 miles from me, in my country.
At the beginning, things were marvellous. We called ourselves every night, sexted, promised each other the world and got to know each other’s life and intimacy. Although we had some fights because of her taking too long to answer my messages and not picking up my calls after the first month, she took a plane and came see me.
We stayed together for 6 days and felt like a honeymoon. We went to expensive restaurants, visited bookstores, went to parties, met each others’ friends living in town (we met at São Paulo) which liked me and her, and had lots of sex.
She came back to her state saying she would marry me and that as soon as she graduated, she would move in with me. She was perfect.
15 days later, after a silly argument, she broke up with me and just stopped answering my calls and messages. I insisted for 3 weeks and then started no-contact, which has been lasting for a month now.
I found all the answers for my questions in this blog – such as why she treats me as a stranger, why she promised me the world and left me, GIGS, why she didn’t commit so much to the relationship, and, most important, the value of indefinite no-contact.
I discovered that I am a better person than she is, after deifying her, and that I offered her my best whilst she offered her worst.
I know the chances of hearing from her again are significant, but your site has helped me a lot and I don’t really care if she’s ever coming back anymore after all the suffering and development I went through. If she does, alright; if she doesn’t, it’s one less problem to worry about. She wasn’t so perfect after all, and I need to be grateful to her for showing me this the hard way.
I am already dating another person, who is crazy for me, and I’m working on my personal, spiritual and interpessoal improvement.
If you are going through a breakup, read this: there is hope for you. There is another person, which is prettier, smarter, and that likes you way more than your ex out there. You just need to get to know them.
Cheers from Brazil
Hi Zan,
I was in a LDR for 3 years. We’ve known each other since high school but started dating after we graduated HS. He committed to going to school out west before we even became a thing, so he ended up moving to Utah and goes to school there as well so we would travel back and forth to see each other (Im in NJ). We recently broke up over the summer because we agreed the distance was too much and our feelings for each other drifted. He ended up getting really close to friend this past spring semester that he’s known since his freshman year of college (we’re both now seniors). He went on a trip with her family and her to California (whilst we were still dating) just as friends-but i felt uncomfortable that he did, since he did not ask me if it was okay, he assumed I would be ok with it. I couldn’t do anything about it since he’s so far away and I thought if I said something it would sound controlling-i wanted to avoid that. Though, when I confronted him about it he said he only loved her as a really close friend but fast forward a month later, we break up and they both end up together. I’m not going to lie, I ended up having feelings for someone else during the last few months of the relationship, but I never had the intention of dating someone else after we broke up.
Thank you for your website, it has helped me tremendously in trying to cope with this break up. it has taught me how to think about things differently and have a positive outlook on myself and the future.
Hi Zan,
I’m writing here as my last chance to remain sane and try to find logic of what just happened.
I was in a LDR for 1.5 years. We met on the island i live, on his first day of holiday. We spent all 10 days together and fell in love. When i mean love, big love, the ‘where have you been all my life’ kind of love. He is 43, i’m 34. From June 2018 when we met we traveled back and forth every 3 weeks, once a month till this month. Kept communicating via social media, phone calls, emails, all day messaging. He is a very happy, decent man, an have been always direct and honest with me, as i were with him. We knew from the beginning we are all the way in. Met each other’s family, traveled to places as to his own and to his mine as well. Bought each other tickets, gifts, wrote love letters, nothing seemed impossible. Originally, he was gonna come over to live with me but we were waiting for his job to find out if they keeping him permanent or not. When he started to hear feedback that his company is keeping him (though still not 100%, he finds out officially end of December), i offered i would go instead as the city and country he lives in is full of opportunities. That time i lost my job so in the beginning i started to look for jobs here where i am, then he offered why not to look for jobs online there, as eventually i’m coming. So i started. We have agreed that i’m coming over in January 2018. Met his parents in September (everyone loved me), and went over to see him beginning of November as well officially for the last time , before our Christmas holidays to my family and then me moving there for good. 8 days after i got back, he called me up on video call and broke it off with me. I thought it was a bad joke. The 43 year old man, who was madly in love with me and was ready to marry me, said he doesn’t want me to come over and he is not in love with me anymore, he stopped longing for me. Out of the blue. When i say out of the blue, i really mean it. No signs in calls, messages, or no signs when i was there just a week ago. We were still discussing my move, and we were looking for flats to rent eventually. (for 2 months we were gonna stay at his friend’s house till we stand on our feet). When i asked him why didn’t he say anything when i was just there, he said he didn’t want to believe it and blocked his weird feelings in his head for about 2 months because he so wanted this to work too. But since i left he has been thinking for 7 days every day and made the decision.
My partner in crime, my soul mate, the love of my life and i’m his. He has been telling me for about 2 months how stressful it is for him, and how responsible he feels that i’m changing countries for him, leaving my all life behind and going there without friends and job. I’ve noticed that but this is what we wanted. I was already happy and excited, nothing was stopping us. I still have boxes packed to be sent via post !! He says we wouldn’t be happy in a cold flat there , arguing etc etc. As well as we stopped talking that much via video calls, we had nothing to say to the other .. as well as we want different things. Huh ? This he meant about having kids. He never wants them, i might, down the line.
I understand this has become too much to bear, the responsibilities of him arranging everything, and he wants to ‘spare’ me before changing my life for him, but this is what we always wanted ! When i say he is an honest,decent, amazing man, i really mean it. He has never hurt me or been disrespectful or unsure in anything with us. I’m in such a shock, I feel the love, his love, I know it’s there, but something has happened. He said he hasn’t met anyone, that would have been easier. His recent music playlist is all about loving the girl of his dreams (me) but afraid to love her more. Full of Jeff Buckley songs, heartbroken, suffering, still caring but not going through with it.
We have agreed to still go for our little 3 days getaway at Christmas in my home country, in the capital, just us 2. That will be in 3 weeks. We speak almost every day, but he has made it clear this is a break up and we are only meeting one more time to get our closure and say our goodbyes. But his actions are saying he loves me just as he did before. The caring text messages, the ordering of my Christmas gift (just yesterday) , and the sad, depressive love songs he listens to.
I feel like i can’t breathe, I’m so love sick and so lost without him. This can’t be the end.
Any advice, insight from your side ?
Thanking you,
A
Hi A M B.
There has to be a reason for his leave. The biggest one being that he doubted your relationship and his happiness with you. I can’t say why he thought this way. Perhaps it was due to the fact that you would be starting over with him and leaving everything behind.
Or maybe he met someone new. People just don’t make sudden decisions out of the blue unless something changes their mind.
When you meet him, don’t talk about the breakup. Be your best self that you were before you got together with him. Don’t guilt-trip him, inspire him instead.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello Sir
I was been with my ex girlfriend for nearly 3 and half years. And it was somewhat like long distance relationship for 1 year. We did have a good chemistry. But as time passed by, may be due to long distance she started decreasing her investment on me and I was kinda became bit insecured. 2 month before she said she wanted a breakup in anger bcoz of small fight but then i became needy and begged for second chance and again after a month she dumped me. After that i went for a no contact for nearly a month.
After i finished no contact we started talking and hanging out again, even we kissed romantically but soon after she pulled away, due to my anxious mind I couldn’t control myself and asked her the reason. She said she don’t want to be in relationship right now. I was so much in pain that night I drunk called her and said again that I wont be able to contact you from now onwards and if you want to reconsider getting back again please inform be before it’s too late. we both cried ( I was too emotional that time, but didnt knew why she cried).As far as i know, she is not in relationship with anyone right now. Do i have a chance of getting her back or should i move on? Please help.
I was in a long-distance relationship for three years. I felt we had a real bond between us. However, I got dumped for someone else. We were seeing each other every two weeks, but before the end of the relationship, I was seven months abroad due to school. Nevertheless, we saw each other two times during this time, and my ex waited for me to come back. When I got back, everything seemed to be ok, and we went on holiday together. After that, I got dumped via messenger, and my ex then moved to the town where I live and started a new relationship super fast. In two weeks she moved to her new bf’s flat, found a job and completely abandoned her old life. She always told me that she loves me so much and can’t be ever with anyone else. We had some arguments throughout the relationship, and when they occurred, she was telling me to find someone better. I can’t believe she did this to me, probably used me and cheated on me while I was away. It is so heartful because I want my ex back as I love her so much. I unfollwed her on social media etc. and she is still stalking me. We bump into each other quite often now as she lives with the new guy not far from me and she acts super cold when she sees me. Like i would be the one who initiated the breakup. Is there a chance to get her back?
Hi Martin.
As long as she’s with him, there obviously isn’t any chance.
In the relationship, you missed a red flag. When she told you to find someone better, it proved what her relationship mentality is like. It showed that she isn’t as relationship material as you’d like her to be.
So now that she’s with him, her perception of you has to change first. Only then will she stop acting cold.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Really lost here.
My GF and I had a decent ongoing LDR with my plan to visit her next month.
She broke up with me suddenly last friday saying that she couldnt trust me in the relationship, and with no trust she didnt think the relationship would work out and that she has been unhappy during the LDR. I am being honest that I have not done anything that would warrant suspicion or any cheating involved. There was an incident a few weeks back where I liked one of my ex’s photo of a dog on instagram and she saw it on my feed. She didnt make it a big deal or issue out of it or was upset. I am not sure if this was the catalyst to the breakup, but it may have been something to do with it to which she denies. She has always been the negative type, and her unhappiness comes from if there were problems and i tried to resolve, she would push away and say that I’m forcing her to resolve things immediately. This would lead to her saying that we are incompatible in the ways we problem solve things and that we shouldnt be together. I’ve always managed to persuade her that it takes time for people to understand each how and how to work around the dynamics, especially in LDR.
Interestingly, the day before the breakup, she was being really intimate and emotional with her words, saying she missed me and she couldnt wait to see me in a few weeks (I booked a trip to visit her) and complimented on my outfit etc. In 24hrs she changed completely and dropped the break up bomb on me and paid me the hotel and flight ticket. She wished me the best in the future and said she will delete our conversations. There was no blocking on social media, but she took the time and effort to unlike one of my facebook pictures she liked a few days earlier.
I havent contacted her for the past 6 days, but im not sure if I should let go as i keep wondering if she has moved on already. If i knew the signs of an impending break up I wouldnt be like this, but with the sudden news and out of no where, I feel defeated and lost. I am still going to the country to tag a long with my mate who’s also going for a vacation. Should I ask for a meet up or leave my presence on social media to let her know I’m in her country so that she might reach out to me first?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Hi Zan,
My ex and I were together for 2 years, we lived together for 1 year in States, before I need to move back to my hometown in Asia. Our personalities compliment each other, that means we have a pretty handful of arguments due to our differences. but it didn’t stop us for loving each other. the chemistry was so strong, and that’s what keep us continue together for 2 years. 3 months after I came back to Asia, we broke up cause the timing in our life were clashing. he’s already in a state of prioritizing his career, and i was lost not knowing what i want for my life. So the break up was mutual and i cut off contact and block everything to helped me move on.
1 year later, he contacted me through email and asked if i can unblocked his IG acc. another months after, he asked for a phone call then we chat and catching up with what’s happening in our life. the communication was on and off.
then a year after that, which is now.. somehow we got reconnected again, and this time we’re able to talk about the past with a clear head. he asked me to come and visit him, cause he missed me. I was reluctant at first, not sure where this is going. then after we talked and talked, we’re back together to being lovey-dovey again. there were some bumps along the roads, our egos took over our brain and do the talking. But once we realized that, we put our ego aside, we connect better than before. we’re able to communicate our feelings better. the 2 years time that we took away from each other has made us a wiser and more mature individual. I booked my ticket to visit him in December, and he’s been planning stuff for our little adventure.
Things has changed since we broke up, i gathered my life, owned a company, take a good care of myself physically and mentally, done all the stuff that i never do before. On the other hand, he’s still the workaholic man that i used to know, he didn’t date anyone (based on what he told me) due to his lifestyle for working minimum 18hrs a day, however now he realized how robotic he is, how his life is out of balance and all the stuff that i was trying to tell him back when we’re together. in 2 years, he finally realized all those things on his own.
So i see a light in this relationship, but i’m still uncertain whether this is a good move to pour all of my heart again to this man. I want to ask for your opinion, do you think this kind of relationship will work? where we get back to our ex after years apart, and gamble on big time to get back on LDR?
Hi Labelle.
2 years is a long time. So if you have both matured since and fixed the circumstances that separated you two, then giving it another shot might be worth it.
You don’t need to jump in guns-blazing. Give him a little bit of your trust at a time and see how things go.
Don’t be afraid and you’ll be okay.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi ! My situation is very unclear for me I don’t know how to act. I am In a relationship with my girlfriend almost for two years , we have lived together all the time except for last 2 months were she had to move hack to Canada to follow some doctors appointments. I am In Italy and there are 6 hours difference. In the past we had few arguments about my inefficiency o communication and some trouble related to my way to handle some situation. We had arguments where she threatened to leave me by at the end we always has found a way to go over and continuing our relationship. A month ago after little bit more then a month after she moved back we I’d a phone argument about a stupid thing that escalated to worse till when I apologize to her for my behaviour at the phone and she apologised back to me too. The following three four days she became very cold and she even stopped to text me in the way she usually does. No more I miss you , no more I love you and she also lost any interest o knowing what I was doing during the day , practically she stop any kind of dual communication , short messages , no punctuation anymore , no more question and from a constant exchange of messages she just text me a few time a day , she stopped to talk with me about the future (we were planning to move to Canada after me getting a visa). When I ask her what the matter is she said to me : You know thing aren’t been good between me and you recently , so I ask her if her intention were to leave me. She doesn’t want to talk about anything till when she comes back here . The original plans were after the doctors and when everything was fine she plan to come back I Italy and together moving to north America. But het intention are changed , she hasn’t talked to me about anything but I know she’s planning to come back to Italy, get her stuff and go back to Canada, where she s already looking for a job. The problem us that she doesn’t want to explicitly tell me what are the plans in her mind so I am here not knowing anything about what is gonna happen.should I just no contact her and take some distances or keeping answering her to her few messages faking that everything is under control? I don’t know what to do please I need some advice . I love her more than my life and I don’t want to lose her . Thank you for the time
Hi Ricky.
You’ve likely already lost her. You must understand that certain behavioral patterns had to change in order for you to have a functional relationship.
Instead of pestering her and trying to get her to open up, wait for her to engage and invest again.
And while you wait, start loving your life more than her. When you do, you will be much happier.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I was in a relationship for just over a year, and she was having a bad time at work – she has lost a patient, her colleagues were awful to her, and she wasn’t happy. So when work told her she could take a year out and come back to a guaranteed job, her best friend was in Australia travelling and she just sold her house, it all lined up for her – except me, of course.
I told her she had to go, and supported everything about it. We were talking about living together when she returned quite seriously.
We made it a month in a LDR before she ended it – She hadn’t missed me as much as I’d missed her (understandably), wanted to make the most of the whole year (the original plan was 5 months of travel but she decided on 12) and had been enjoying the male attention out there (she was never really single as an adult, and needed the time to explore this – a secondary consideration and not something she explicitly told me, except that she had been flirted with and liked it, but I feel still builds to the doubts about the LDR no doubt).
I know she loved me before she left. She left me loads of gifts to find at key dates to make the LDR easier, and left loads of her stuff at my house. She didn’t plan to leave me.
But, here I am, one month post breakup – I’ve been in no-contact since the breakup. We had a really great year together (I am saying that in a moment of clarity, and looking as objectively as I can. The minor issues we had we communicated about and resolved fairly successfully. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t far off)
I guess I’d like to hear your take on this situation. I know I need to move on and live my life, and expect her not to come back. But the little bit of hope I have about a future with her is causing me some pain.
I do want her back, but I am a fairly realistic guy and know it can’t be that likely, given the circumstance. And I know it wouldn’t happen before her return anyway.
Thanks
Hi Morgan.
As you said yourself, your ex never really learned to be single. She’s so used to constantly being in a relationship, she can’t spend even a month apart. Since you broke up only a month into the LDR, means she’s been thinking about breaking up with you for a while before the actual break-up. I believe her thoughts are “I like the attention I’m receiving, so I will grab any opportunity I get”. As I mentioned in the article, she definitely prefers something tangible, over a year-long LDR.
She loved you without a doubt. All until she started talking to other guys and felt confused about your relationship.
The issues aren’t for you to work on because it’s her commitment that’s lacking. Her inability to go along with this physical separation ruined what could have potentially been a wonderful relationship.
You seem to understand clearly what you must do and when she might come back. The only thing left for you to do is to convince your heart and think about whether this person shares the same values as you.
Best regards,
Zan
Hello, this is my story. Me and her found each other by just playing a game. We were friends for about 4-5 years. We just message and such. Then she asked me if we can be in a long distance relationship. I was happy to say yes. I introduced her to many new things. Music. My family. My life and such. We shared secrets about each other and it was amazing. Last summer she said she needed a break. Then she went to another long distance relationship, and came back. The guy she was talking with was a dick. So I naturally supported her and helped her and we came back togther (I did beg and plead this time, but I got her back) so then we move on towards the relationship and we did have some disagreement, but that was because of my anxiety.
The 2 least weeks of the relationship I became needy and clingy because of my depression and my anxiety clashing together. She slowly started to drift away to a new guy at her school. They were friends but now they are togther. When she broke up with me she was distance and cold and said she doesn’t have any feelings towards me. I was shocked. And scared. I really did love her. She really did love me. She said that she doesn’t want to see me ever again.
So I have her 2 days of space and we talked. She said that the day after the break up she got with this new guy. She kept on saying how great she is without me and that she’s free, always happy, and her new boyfriend is amazing. I was upset and I asked her if we can give it another shot and she said no, but she wanted to be friends. She still wanted to talk to me. So she left the call.
2 more days of space. We talked and we seemed to have good chemistry. We made jokes and such. We were both laughing and finishing each other sentences.she said what she’s been doing with her friends and I was cool with that.
The next day she asked me if she wanted to play a game with me. I said yes. Got online to play with her and I told her i went to the doctor and she said are you ok? Anything wrong? I said no to her and she was good that i was ok. Then she did something really dumb. She told me. Oh I have a new wallpwallpaper for my phone. Let me show you. She sends me an image of her and her new boyfriend holding hands. I just told her. I can’t do this. She said that she buried all of her emotions for me, she’s moved on. She said that she’s always great now, but then makes comments like, we’ll maybe I’m in so much pain i don’t feel it any more. And I was like ok, need time to heal so I’m gonna leave. I didn’t leave the call and she asked, what happened? I told her it’s hard to leave. And she got upset with the fact that i still have the realistic drawing of her. I told her because it means something. She said ok fine, I’ll leave. I didn’t even wanna ruin my great day.
Another 2 days later. We talked for one last time. I asked her, why do you still want to talk to me? She said it’s because im a great friend. Then i asked her, is it ok if I ask you some questions? If you dont wanna answer then just say pass. She said yeah. So then I asked, did i cause any pain towards the end of the relationship? She said yes. Then I told her I am sorry for any pain I caused and it wasn’t my intentions. She ssid it’s ok because she’s over it, then says it’s just when we talk about it I feel upset and frustrated. Then I asked her, are you reluctant to be with me because you are afraid I wont change? She said to pass that answer. Then I asked her if she needs time away from me. She said yes. So the last thing I told her was. I just wanna say that thank you for all the precious memories we’ve made and I won’t forget you. Bye. And left without her saying bye.
Do i still have a chance with her? I really do love her. We talked about a future together. We talked about meeting up this summer. Is there still a good chance?
Hey Brandon.
I’m just going to come out and say it as I see it.
This girl was with you until she found a more available source. I don’t know exactly what caused her to go into another LDR after you first split, but I’m going to guess she felt smothered and trapped. No girl ever wants to feel like she’s the best, and the rarest thing in the world. She is, and has to be an equal to you. The moment she starts feeling like she can do better, because you’ve made her feel that way, it’s game over. She will leave, and shortly enter another relationship (even if you were a saint to her). I fear this may have happened the first time she left – she lost attraction. Try telling someone you love him 100x a day. It’s not going to only lose the weight behind the words, but it also makes her feel pushed away – as if she can’t reciprocate on the same level of emotional investment.
As I said before, she got back together because you were still available to her, and she also pitied you. She knew you were a nice guy, but she couldn’t feel enough for you. She said “yes” anyway, and she got with you until she found someone “real” this time. I say real, because an available person > LDR. I have seen many couples break-up because someone found a closer, more available option. A break-up occurred even after they have been together for years, so unfortunately, I don’t support LDRs as much as I probably should. They are a ticking time bomb, as they often end badly. This is especially true when the couples have never met.
I hate putting it this way, but I really want my words to sink in. She used you until she found someone else. She tagged along, and invested way less than she did the first time. Her showing you pictures of them together, is completely disrespectful to you. She knew you have feelings for her, but doesn’t care hurting you anyway. If you want the best for yourself, step back and never contact her again. Show self-respect, and good things will happen to you. As long as you’re stuck with this girl, hoping she will come around the 2nd time, you are preventing yourself from growing as a person. The right thing to do is to let her go, and show her she isn’t the queen of the world. Chances of her coming around again are slim, and it’s definitely for the best. She would have to come back crying, and begging you – not vice versa like last time. She would have to make the plans to meet up, and show extreme dedication to you. Loyalty, respect and feeling sorry for what she did are absolutely necessary ingredients to a successful reconciliation. From what you’ve told me, this person is never going to do that. She’d rather string you along, giving you false hope, and stick you in the friends zone.
Don’t be stuck in the past. She may have promised you the world, but she broke up with you twice. She is undeserving of a third chance, so I hope you can move on from her as quickly as possible. This girl likes attention, and will do whatever it takes to entertain other guys. As she is now, you should not even consider getting involved with her, as she is only going to keep hurting you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi,
We had a very strong emotional bond with my ex boyfriend and had serious plans for a future together. The problem was that we didn´t share some important values which made us argue with each other more and more often. I think he did try to convince himself that we weren´t a good match instead of working on solving our problems and as you mentioned in your article, I was becoming needy. Our plan was that I need to move closer to him but he broke up with me just before I was free from my duties to move there. I tried to convince him to change his mind but he had made up his mind, so I started NC. After 2 months from our breakup, he posted a new profile picture of himself and a new girl on facebook. I guess that must be a rebound relationship but I have no idea when did they start to date each other. I have heard that rebound relationships rarely last. I don´t know what she is like, but she has the advantage of living near to him and maybe even sharing the same important values as him. One part of me wants to move there right away (would want to anyway sooner or later), but the other part of me thinks that I should take my time, wait and see what happens, and do the things that I couldn´t do when we were still together (study here, travel alone, new hobbies…). I´m also curious if someday he has regrets of leaving us, will he come back and fight for our relationship.
Would an ex, with whom we had an amazing connection with, come back even if it wouldn´t be very comfortable or easy for them? Or is it easier to just try to create a new connection with a rebound who is “more compatible”?
Thank you very much in advance,
Elle
thanks for the fast response zan,
it just breaks my heart to know he gave up on me like that. i did aloooot for him. i gave up everything to make him feel safe n secure i was always there for him and i he tried too but last 2. he was the one who was more on saying how cant be without me. how much he loves me. specially after seeing eachother. his time was the bestest of best of his life. he said he will never forget these memories. no matter how much we have fought we always have fall back togather. maybe this time routine was really tough for him and i was feeling insecure n jealous. i thought he will try to reach me out after all how strong bond we have shared. but didnt know he was so busy it was easy for him to get distant or even behave this way. while i was hoping and waiting for a apology from his side it never came but he posted picture of us on his instagram with a caption : i think you’re like a flower, the way you bloom when light fills up ur skin. lady of her words and goals. ( he posted this while i was totally silent doing NC) he posted a quote next day which is so not him ( she said take me to paris he said you are the paris) he posted our relationship song. why was he doing all this when he had given up??? he wanted me to see all that. we still had eachother on block on whatsapp. but he kept his insatgram public for me to see. he got really pissed off when i deleted him from instagram a week before. this all happened later. i mesged him he ignored my mesg. i wanted to appreciate n thank for the quote but i unsent it. i started following sad quotes page and posting sad poetry. but never deleted our picture togather. thats when i finally decided to break the silence and reach him out. but he never attended my call. i mesged but he the seen thing n ignored. i sent ? to which he sent me a picture showing hes busy studying for final exams ina group studies.,i told him in mesg i need to speak his response was cold. about what? even tho i mentioned in my previous mesg regards to it. he was totally cold. i waited till next day. i did not wanted to pester him at all during his exams but i wanted to know if he has moved on so thats my right to know because his mixed signals were ruining my peace of mind., he kept ignoring my mesgs. then i finally decided to block him from instagram as well considering his silence. to which he reacted which making his profile private and deleted the quote and our picture togather, but he kept the rest. i wrote him a detailed email telling him things to which he only replied with a quote. i replied back but he replied around 12am his time to wish me newyear and that was it. he removed himself from all the social media to concentrate entirely on his exams. what really breaks my heart is we had soooo strong feelings for each other. no matter how hard we ever fell apart we always got back togather. how can he forget everything and just turn cold. why isnt NC not working for me or i just didnt do it properly due to his mixed signals. he can divert his mind but how can he divert his heart and for how long? how can he forget all the great things i have done for him and how loyal i have been to him. how can his tears out of love can be fake? we were all goood till the fight happened i saw no effort….
im so sad.
i wish there was any hope.
Hi Shazreh
The sooner you get out of hope zone the better. Dwelling in there is preventing you from moving on and living your life as you should be.
The main problem is constant arguing. It hasn’t worked before, and it didn’t work after reconciliation. Both of you are pretty hardheaded, and will not resolve differences mutually. Avoiding, blocking, ignoring, all this behaviour is extremely toxic to the relationship.
His social media behaviour is definitely weird, but nothing I haven’t seen before. you have to take your power back by letting him reach out, and allowing him to put in the effort. Even if you were the one who messed up, you must let him do his part of the chasing. His cold and distant behaviour is from the lack of space he is getting. When he acts that way, you must go the opposite direction, and give him all the space he needs.
You had been way too invested in him, and not enough in yourself. For a relationship to work properly, you have to love yourself first, and him second. He’s an addition, not a priority to your life. You did so much for him, I know. He doesn’t appreciate nor deserve any of that. He doesn’t acknowledge your goodwill because he took it all for granted. Avoid giving it to him by going NC. Stop posting sad things on social media, and do happy ones instead. Post new experiences with new people, friends, family, etc.
I would say it’s quite the opposite. He’s diverting his mind, not his heart as he does what he feels. Almost all people operate in this way, because they lack self-control. They allow life to lead them and not vice versa. To prevent your impulsive behaviour from happening again, I suggest you exercise it too! If he ever returns, you must be as cool as ice, ready for a functional relationship.
Zan
thankyou zan! this really helped me out. this is the first time ever i pen down my feelings somewhere. your feedbacks are so rational it helps to move on in positive way. last question please. what stage of dumper is he on? and what will come after it?
Hi.
Your ex is either in first or second stage. Regardless of what stage he is in, you can’t force your wants and needs on him. He has to come back on his own when his new-found happiness runs off. It could take him a while, it could take him forever. Don’t wait around as it won’t happen when you want it to. Show him you understand his desire for space, and back off. He will message you when he is ready. That’s the only way to know he is ready to talk. It doesn’t matter if he posts “I miss you Shazreh, talk to me please” on his Instagram. He has to reach out first. He’s the one who’s made a mistake in letting you go, so he must take the appropriate actions. You can’t fight for what is not yours. I don’t know what will happen next. When one is single, all sorts of things. You can’t be concerned about that, as it won’t help you get him back one bit.
Stay in NC.
Zan
It’s better for me to move on as I have blocked and deleted him from every social media after receiving only silence from his end. However I can only sense passive aggressive anger behind his cold and unstable reactions. I think its over for good. Thankyou so much for your insight it really helped me.
You’re welcome.
Do what is best for you right now, and heal completely. If he wants to talk to you, he will do so when he is ready. It’s time for him to cool off, and you to get over this hurdle.
I wish you all the best!
Zan
i can totally relate to what you have wrote. i guess im the dumpee because my ex got extremely busy with his final exams, routine, work and friends. story is we started dating online 1 year ago.. we clicked and there was massive attractions on both end. he wasnt expressive or was afraid to express much as he was afraid he will loose me as i was much and way better than in all the criterias. we both live in different countries. everything was great till he had all the time in his hand and he was still in his hometown till he flew to istanbul to persue his higher studies masters and we had struggle with the changes and our fights grew. he cudnt manage everything all at once so i was barely getting that attention i used to get and he was a free bird who wanted to go out make new friends and explore places. i became least of his priorities however he cared alot about me but we both went thru hell due to this change and crazy fights every day mostly from my side to seek his time and attention which led to major mutual break up which was quite tough.. after a month he tried reaching me out when he could no longer take it and we reconciled and he was all about me. giving me all the time and attention. being very open about being comitted and all. then after some time fights on and off continued but we still were going stronger than ever. finally we managed to plan a trip to my country and i covered all the expenses just to make it happen, we met for the first time after 8 months and it was the most amazing times of our lives those 7 days no fights, the bond was soooo strong and unbelivably chemistry, friendship and understanding… that was actual true relationship experince. after he left he became more expressive. he was saying things to me which he never told or said to me before. but sometime after he left our fights grew again as he would prioritize other things around him.. i would not be his top priority. i get it its not easy to manage a teaching job 9-5 and then 6-9 university. weekends usually occupied with friends, so i would just feel neglected and fight for his time. which made him more miserable. he was miserable because of his routine too and i felt he wanted to stay comitted but he wanted enough space to travel, make friends go here n there and not be questioned alot with negavtivty. where as my routine was different my main priority was him because thats how he made or chnage me to. he was controlling but he didnt like to be controlled. i was not fond of his new job as it was in aviation school and only had girls in the class. it made me insecure as i got over sensitive sensing changes in his behavior. distance.. the more i wud fight more distant he got. it was bothering me alot and my constant fights were making him annoyed and irriated. our ignorance got longer and i saw him making no big effort to reach out to me unless i do telling me all the wrong things ive done to hurt him. and he would fight with me for having bad mentality. we both had a very tough week. he was going thru some really tough chnages related to work health n studies and i was getting extra emotional and sensitive. we ended up fighting almost every other day i was just not okay with his strange bevahior. everything seems to be hitting me.. so finally i called him with an intention to understand n make things better as we havent spoken over the fone for more than 2 weeks. texting was making more diffiicult. he got all mad when i just asked him normal stuff related to work he thought im asking him questions maybe becuase he hangs out with those girls or having fun out. i got so hurt and he abused n hung up on me n blocked me. i blocked him back on whatsap. he mesged me later on instagram telling me he lost his cool and wanted to apologize but i was so mad i just told him off look if you need freedom, peace and distractions. you r free to go. but u cant disrespect me the way u did… then i went completely silent on him and he didnt make any effort to reach out to me, later i saw his pictures with his girls students and it made me mad i sent him the screenshots. first he responded coldly. later next day he wrote a huge paragrapgh explaning me why or how or reason behind everything and with chats screenshots and all.. i felt dumb but i still wanted to stick to my self respect because he hurt and abused me i was still waiting for geniune apology from him. after 10 days of silence he posted our picture togather with a beautiful caption on his instagram, then he posted a romantic quote for me. which was so unlikely of him as he always wanted to maintain that macho image by not posting quotes. he posted our song but never reached me out.out of impulse i liked the picture n sent him a mesg which he ignored didnt even see so i unsent it. it was so confusing for me, he was changing million whatsapp display pictures i dont know why when i was blocked there but his dp was public so i cud see from other number..he chnaged liked 10 pictures in 8 days. and on instagram he was posting things for me and was completly on silent. so i finally decided to break the ice by calling him he didnt pick up my call. i called twice. i left a mesg on insta he saw btu no reply i mesged again he said im studying for final exams. i said let me knw whn i can call need to speak he said speak about? i said about us its been a month and we need to discuss things and differences maturely. he saw but no reply. i mesged him next day asking if he can atleast clarify me politely what are. cos it was very confusing for me the way he was beahving with me so coldly n not responding while he had my picture there with quotes n all that. posting sad poetry n all. he saw my mesg and didnt reply instead of that he started posting stories on his instagram i got so teased i mesged him again saying that i understand ur silence u dont wish to continue. he saw my mesg n didnt reply. kept on posting social media. then i waited for 2 hours and blocked him. when he realized i blocked he made his account private and over the night he deleted our pic and quote he posted. next day i wrote him a final good bye email telling him what was in my heart and how my self respect was tranished by his abusive behavior and how i had to back to protect my self respect and to give him time n space to realize where h went wrong and he never made any effort to reach me out. he replied to me with a quote which made me feel even more guilty for not being a great partner.to which i responded i get it i was not good enough for you. i wish you good luck for ur future. to which he replies exactly at 12am newyears night…. : and Happy Newyear.
i felt the hit because he just completed my sentence,. i had no plan to respond him back until next day i saw one of his student story. he was hanging out with her. it was just him and her. even tho she has boyfriend but i never felt good about her for some odd reason. and i never thought while hurting hoping and waiting hes hanging out with one of his student. he never replied. it broke my heart, and i finally decided to give up.its been barely a day.he has closed all of his social media cos he fully wants to concentrate on his exams. i dont even know he cares or not. i might be insecure and wrong but i never felt good seeing that girl around him and him being friendly with her. he always posted pictures of his studnets saying my toddlers or my kids. but they all are 23-26 age. hes 28. i just dont understand if hes into someone else why wud he post things for me on his social media where whole world is watching him even his students and even this girl liked that post., i coudl feel he is uneasy but he is acting so cold as if nothing happened and he got better serious things to do in life than to react to this nonsense.. seeing my mesgs on insta but teasing me by ignoring. then replying coldly on email with quote and than wished me exactly 12am his time on newyears. its very confusing for me as i dont find his behavior natural or normal. ive decided to go all NO contact as i have no choice and i cant understand his behavior or mind games. however he still hasnt deleted the pictures he took and posted when he was visting me. one of thepicture says. yes we wrote our memories togather. so i dont know can yoy please help me to undersand his behavior or is there any possiblity he will regret??? i have loved him alot and to most extent i got the same feeling from him but i know he is too busy and im not his main priority but it was hard for me digest he didnt even fight for us. as if he was done with my regular fights.
apologie mail got too long just wanted to express much as i can to get u a better idea however its still far from whats going on in real.
thanks
Hi Shazreh.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I’m sorry to break it to you, and I’m sure you felt the break-up was going to happen the way it has been going. Neither of you were happy, and you were aware of that, hence why you were trying to change things. He was pretty busy with his life, and you extorting attention out of him was exhausting. Logically speaking, sooner than later both of you would either have grown distant from each other (especially if you were as busy as him) or found someone more available to date. The distance made the relationship so much more difficult for the two of you. This is especially true when time to bond was scarce, and usually turned into a jealous/envious quarrel. A golden rule in the relationship is to never ask for attention when you aren’t given it. It always makes things worse, so you really had only three options. 1)Leave, 2)Hang around until he becomes less busy, 3)Grow apart and meet someone else. He felt extremely suffocated in his already busy environment, and hoped you would understand. At some point he started thinking to himself there are way too many arguments, and began to pull back.
It got serious when you finally got him on the call and he felt very dubious about conversing with you. He interpreted questions about his daily life as interrogation, so he went on defense. Because of that, you got hurt and he called it quits – blocked. Blocking a person is just an act of anger and control. People do it to show power and self-respect. The same principle applies to every message you sent after that. He felt empowered and ignored everything. This only hurt you further, as you wondered how he dared to treat you this way. Ignoring in relationships is one of the worst forms of abuse, as it really hurts and damages the relationship. Unfortunately when he ignored you, there was no more relationship. He was out.
Imagine him fighting for you when he was actually talking to you. That was him giving his best. When he gave up, he gave up. There was no more fight left in him. From the pictures, we might be able to suspect he doesn’t hate you, so he chose to keep them on his profile. I wouldn’t look too much into it, as the answer could be quite ambiguous.
Your relationship won’t change if the dynamics don’t change for good. That means him making you a priority and WANTING to speak to you, while you give him the space he wants. He needs some time right now both to process what is happening, as well as with his exams. In the meantime, focus on your own life to make it less dependent on him. If he comes back, you have to be rid of the arguments, negativity, blocking and neediness. Without these isues resolved, it’s never going to work.
If he values you enough, isn’t dating another person or too busy in his life, he is going to reach out at some point. When that happens, you are slowly going to have to start changing his perception of you.
Kind regards,
Zan