If possible, you should avoid telling your ex happy birthday. You should remember that you’re exes and that exes need to get some space from each other. Space helps them process the breakup in their own ways and see their relationship from a clearer standpoint. A clearer standpoint makes them feel better and prevents them from acting on negative emotions that make things more complicated.
If they wish each other happy birthdays, send each other gifts, and pretend like everything’s fine and that they’re friends, they often give each other the wrong idea and stay emotionally invested. In other words, they refuse to let go of each other and make their detachment process much longer and more difficult than it has to be.
Although some exes can be friends and/or wish each other all sorts of things, most exes don’t see the point in doing that. They understand that the relationship has changed their dynamics and that they can’t benefit from staying close to each other. Birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, New Year’s, Thanksgiving, and other special occasions often give people an excuse to reach out to their ex, which can end up complicating their situation further.
Dumpees tend to feel anxious and confused when they receive happy birthday texts or calls from their ex whereas dumpers often feel suffocated. They feel pressured and respond negatively, which makes dumpees wonder why they made things more difficult for themselves for a quick “Thanks!” Even if they have a short conversation with their ex, it’s counterproductive for their healing and doesn’t change how their ex feels.
Birthday conversations seldom lead to reconciliation. They’re too random for dumpers to redevelop respect, feelings, commitment, or anything they lack. Dumpers need to be unhappy to get back with their ex. And they’re unhappy when they think about their life negatively and understand their ex’s worth. That’s when they contemplate taking their ex back and saving themselves.
So if you want to tell your ex happy birthday, don’t do it to get on your ex’s good side and make your ex feel emotions he or she currently doesn’t feel. If you want to wish your ex a happy birthday, you should do it with no romantic expectations. The wish should be strictly about the birthday and shouldn’t be seen as a way to start a conversation.
If it does turn into a conversation, you shouldn’t think that your ex has made a lot of improvements and that he or she is ready for relationship talks. Dumpers are usually more receptive the first time they talk to their ex and when the conversation is light – comes with no expectations or demands. That’s when the exchange of words seems almost like they’re in love and want to get back together.
Don’t be deceived though.
Remember that first conversations make dumpees a bit nervous and that if they wanted you back, they would have reached out to tell you that. They wouldn’t wait for you to contact them on their birthday just for them to express how they feel.
You have to think things through before you reach out to your ex and wish him or her a happy birthday. If you’re struggling to cope with the breakup, the last thing you want is to break no contact and receive a response you’re not ready for. A response you’re not ready for is any response that gives or takes hope, makes you anxious or scared, or causes an obsession and complicates your recovery.
You can wish your ex a happy birthday only when you’re prepared for a bad response or friendship. That’s when you can reach out selflessly, wish your ex well, and continue to mind your own business. Don’t talk to your ex if you still emotionally depend on your ex and want your ex to notice your growth, change, and value.
It could end badly for you when you realize your ex doesn’t have romantic feelings for you.
In today’s post, we discuss how to tell your ex happy birthday, depending on whether you’re a dumpee or a dumper.
How to tell your ex happy birthday as a dumpee?
As a dumpee, you must keep in mind two things.
- Your emotional well-being and ways in which your birthday wish could affect you.
- Your ex’s receptiveness and the possibility that your ex will see your wish as an attempt to get back together. Some dumpers sense the desperation in their ex and feel the need to protect themselves. Such dumpers ignore, delete, or block their ex.
Don’t forget that your ex left you and that he or she may need a lot of space. It’s hard to say how your birthday wish will affect your ex, but if you just broke up and are healing nicely, it may smother your ex. In that case, it may not be wise to interrupt your ex’s space and risk getting mistreated, rejected, and hurt. Sometimes it’s better to leave the dumper alone and let him or her have the space he or she asked for directly with words or indirectly by breaking up.
If you saw your ex acting cold, mean, and disinterested during or after the breakup, you should assume that your ex hasn’t improved his or her mentality and perception of you. Assume that your ex still thinks poorly of you and needs space to deal with the breakup. That way, you’ll take a more cautious approach, smother your ex less, and avoid getting hurt in the process.
Many dumpees wish to tell their ex happy birthday. They don’t realize that they’re doing it for themselves rather than their ex. Some think it’s the right thing to do (especially if their ex did the same) and feel bad whereas others see it as an opportunity to talk about their improvements and try to make themselves look desirable.
They reach out with the expectation of fulfilling some emotional need despite being extremely vulnerable.
If you’re not ready for direct or indirect rejection, you shouldn’t reach out to the person who dumped you. You should stay in no contact and preserve your strength and worth. You’ll heal much quicker and feel much better if you focus on yourself rather than your disinterested ex. Always remember that your ex knows who you are and that it’s not your job to impress your ex, express regret, and urge him or her to come back.
Your ex has to want you back on his or her own. That’s the only way you can have a power-balanced relationship with your ex. If you beg and degrade yourself, but somehow manage to pity your ex into taking you back, your relationship will be built on guilt and pity rather than trust, love, and security. That means you’ll likely break up when problems arise.
As a dumpee, you should never put your ex in charge of the reconciliation process. Your ex can be in control during and after the breakup, but not when reconciliation happens. Your ex must give his or her power back before that happens.
So reach out to tell your ex happy birthday (preferably via text) when you’re okay with a poor or no response from your ex. Make it short and simple and say something like, “Happy birthday!” Your concise message will show that you respect his or her space and that you’re merely the type of person who wishes exes on their birthdays even if you don’t get anything out of it.
Your message should be clear and short to prevent your ex from thinking you’re trying to engage in long conversations and get back together. It’s impossible to tell what your ex will think and do because it depends on his or her personality, maturity, perception, mood, and emotions, but if you think you have nothing to lose, shoot your ex a text and wait for him or her to respond.
When/if your ex responds, you’ll know how your ex thinks and what he or she feels.
Until then, wait for your ex to get back to you. Don’t double text, accuse your ex of ignoring you, and make yourself look dependent on your ex. Your ex must get back to you and deliberately try to turn the reach-out into a conversation. Your ex could do that by asking how you or your cats have been. Before you get caught in a conversation with your ex, remember that you could learn things you’re not ready for.
Things such as your ex seeing someone else, getting married, or having kids. Anything that shows your ex has reached new milestones without you could make you feel insignificant and replaced.
So don’t think too much about how to tell your ex happy birthday. Don’t tell your ex you want him or her to be healthy, wealthy, successful, and loved. Simply wish your ex well with a few words. “Happy birthday!” should suffice as it should show that you don’t want anything from your ex. The shorter you keep it, the less pressured your ex will feel to respond.
That said, here’s how to tell your ex happy birthday as a dumpee.
How to tell your ex happy birthday as a dumper?
As a dumper, you should remember that your ex may not be fully over you and that he or she could get hope from your birthday wish. The dumpee could convince himself or herself that you wouldn’t have reached out if you didn’t care and that it may be possible to get back together with you. This kind of thinking could increase your ex’s obsession with you and severely impact his or her recovery process.
You need to think long and hard about wishing your dumpee ex for his or her birthday. Think about how the breakup affected your ex during and after the breakup and how badly your ex may still want to hear from you. If your ex felt super rejected and hurt, your ex will need many months to recover. This means your reach-out will make things worse because it will have a drug-like effect on your ex.
It will pull your ex back in (even if momentarily) and force your ex to want your closeness again.
I’m not saying your ex will start begging you for affection, but your ex will feel anxious and determined to make you love him or her. As long as your ex is hurt, your ex will want you to ease his or her suffering by validating his or her importance.
In simple words, your birthday wish will reopen your ex’s wounds and remind your ex what he or she has lost. This reminder will trigger obsession, nostalgia, and cravings for validation and support.
Therefore, wishing your ex a happy birthday can be dangerous. Some dumpees want and expect to hear from their ex whereas others want to be left alone to heal. I don’t know what your ex wants (other than validation), but in all fairness, what he or she wants is irrelevant. All that matters is what’s best for your ex. If the breakup is fresh, your ex needs to avoid receiving non-reconciliation texts and calls from you, also known as breadcrumbs.
Your ex may really want to hear from you and receive your wishes, but again, it may not do your ex well. A birthday wish from you could empower him or her with false hope and make it harder to let go.
However, if it’s been a while since you broke up or if you communicate frequently to this day, it’s probably okay to reach out. Your birthday greeting probably won’t shock your ex and trigger a huge emotional setback. Not unless you tell your ex you miss him or her badly and make your ex feel desired.
If you still talk, if the breakup happened a long time ago, or if your ex has moved on and seems to be doing well, you can just wish your ex casually. You can say, “Happy birthday, Tom. I hope you have a great day!” It will show that you respect the breakup boundaries and wish the best for your ex. Two short sentences or one long one should do the job.
All in all, how you tell your ex happy birthday is no rocket science. You’ll do alright as long as you keep your ex’s feelings in mind and make the reach-out strictly about your ex’s birthday. Your ex, whether he or she is a dumpee or a dumper will then respond (or not) and tell or show whether he or she appreciates your wishes.
So think about whether it makes sense to tell your ex happy birthday. Figure out whether your ex gets to benefit from it or if you’re the only one who wants to talk so you can assuage guilt and receive updates on your ex’s life.
If you think you can both benefit from it, go ahead and text your ex happy birthday. Observe your ex’s response afterward and try not to converse for too long. Talk to your ex for a little bit only if your ex shows interest in catching up. If your ex shows no or very little interest, it may be best to focus on yourself and other people.
How do you think you should tell your ex happy birthday? Share your views in the comments below. We’ll get back to you shortly.
However, if you’re looking for guidance with your ex, consider subscribing to breakup coaching. At Magnet of Success, we help dumpees and dumpers deal with uncomfortable and difficult breakup situations.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
