Talking to an ex you have feelings for and want back isn’t rocket science, but it does require certain breakup knowledge. It requires you to treat your ex as someone you broke up with rather than someone you still feel close to and want a romantic connection with.
If or when you interact with your ex, you must remember that your ex feels differently about you and that he or she won’t be persuaded back with nice words and gestures. Your ex will likely keep his or her guard up and push you away by force. Force entails telling or showing you that you’re not someone your ex wants to invest in and be with romantically.
So how do you talk to an ex you want another chance with? First of all, don’t talk to your ex unless you absolutely need to. And you absolutely need to only if you have kids or some other obligation that ties you to your ex. Talking to an ex for no reason after the breakup is considered a huge breakup mistake. One that disrespects your ex’s need for space and privacy and makes you look desperate for recognition and love.
Talking to an ex is something you must avoid at all costs. You must avoid it no matter how hurt you are and how badly you miss your ex.
You shouldn’t expect someone who dumped you to be excited to talk to you. On the contrary, you should expect him or her to feel relieved and want nothing to do with you for a while. As long as he or she associates problems and stress with you, you should keep your distance from your ex and mind your own business.
You can say hello to your ex if you run into him or her, but you should be careful. The dumper shouldn’t feel trapped and forced to communicate. If your ex appears scared or uncomfortable, your ex probably doesn’t want to talk to you. He or she wants to escape the suffocating situation and avoid you altogether. Most dumpers avoid their ex like the plague in public because they’re embarrassed and don’t know what to say.
They just know they feel awkward and that they want to be left alone.
So if you get the feeling that your ex is crawling into a shell, don’t initiate a conversation and try to make your ex feel comfortable. Remember that your ex has thought about you in a negative light for some time and as a result, developed a strong need to distance him/herself from you. If your ex doesn’t get enough space, your ex will feel overwhelmed and might get back at you for not understanding him or her.
Hence, it’s in your best interest not to communicate with an ex, especially one who appears to be unreceptive and unwilling to talk about relationship matters. It’s better to let the broken relationship rest before you get back in touch.
You must remember that your ex broke up with you to focus on him/herself and that your ex can’t pretend everything’s fine. Things are not fine while your ex feels smothered and victimized. Your ex might be able to chat, especially about random topics later – when negative emotions subside.
So if you must talk to an ex who left you, talk when you have no choice but to discuss important matters, such as children, mortgage, finances, and things that can’t wait. Make sure not to deviate from the main topic too much or your ex might realize you’re reaching out for reconciliation or solely for your own reasons.
Your dumper ex mustn’t get such an idea. He or she must be left alone unless he or she actually wants to talk.
Whatever you do, don’t start a conversation with your ex on your terms. Instead of showing that you’re eager to converse, show that you’ve accepted the breakup and given up on the relationship. Your ex must see that you have your emotions under control and that you won’t try to change his or her mind about the breakup.
That way, your ex will feel respected as a person and might even become curious about you and want to talk.
You should never pester the dumper with your problems and concerns. As a dumpee, you must deal with your issues alone and let your ex do the same. That’s the only way your ex will feel free to decide what’s best for him or her.
So how to talk to an ex you have feelings for? If you must engage in conversation with your ex, ensure that the conversation is strictly about the subject that interests you and your ex equally. Your ex has to feel the desire to converse otherwise you will hold the conversation alone and appear way too excited.
And when you’re excited, your ex will find it impossible to reciprocate your feelings and expectations, which will further repulse your ex.
In this post, we discuss how to talk to an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend you still love and want to be with.
How to talk to an ex you love?
Many dumpees feel so rejected and hurt they think they must talk their way back into a relationship with their ex. They believe their ex will listen to them and take them back if they express how sorry they are and what they’re willing to do to win their ex’s trust and love back.
They completely forget that their ex has fallen out of love and that a few compliments and promises won’t resolve their ex’s issues and bring back his or her missing feelings. Feelings are gone, but they don’t want to believe it. Deep inside, they hope they can reason with their ex and make their ex feel something for them.
That explains why they often try to win their ex back with willpower as if their ex is just waiting to be won back.
If you want your ex back, you must understand that the dynamics between you and your ex have changed and that your ex doesn’t want you to talk to him or her like before. Your ex wants you to treat him or her like an ex rather than a partner, which means your ex either doesn’t want to talk or wants to talk (occasionally) like you never dated.
If you talk like you’re still dating, your ex will feel pressured by your pain and expectations and consider you a weak and unhappy individual. Your ex will likely treat you badly because you’ll allow him or her to treat you that way. Your ex (or anyone else for that matter) should never treat you poorly and have that much power over you.
When your ex sees that you’re willing to be stomped on, you can forget about being with your ex because nothing you say and do will return your lost power and respect.
So don’t communicate with your ex like he or she is the most important person on the planet. Your ex may have been super important when you were together, but now that you’re not together, you’re merely ex-partners. You stopped mattering to your ex, so it’s only natural that your ex stops mattering to you as well.
This needs to happen so your ex stops or avoids thinking highly of him/herself and considers you an equal.
If your ex reaches out to you to check up on you (breadcrumbs you), your ex doesn’t need to see that you’re willing to ignore everything that happened in the past and answer all of his or her questions. Your ex secretly wants to see that you’re doing great emotionally and focusing on getting the most out of life. If you show that you’re doing great without him or her, your ex could respect and envy your success and want to be around you again.
Talking to an ex you love requires a ton of self-respect and self-love. You need to love yourself more than your ex or your ex will find you overwhelming and repulsive. Always remember that people (especially exes) won’t respect you unless you know your worth and exude high self-confidence.
Therefore, talking to an ex you love isn’t always a good idea. Your self-esteem may crave your ex’s recognition, but you mustn’t seek it directly from your ex. You must be happy on your own so your ex considers you attractive and worthy of his or her time and emotional investment.
Before you communicate with an ex who left you, you must weigh the pros and cons of talking to an ex and figure out if talking will get you closer to your goals. Will talking clear up misunderstandings and bring your ex closer or just reiterate what is already known and make things worse? If you’re not sure how talking will affect your ex, it may be better not to talk at all.
Your ex probably doesn’t ask for clarifications and doesn’t want you to explain yourself further. In that case, it’s better to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself.
But if your ex has doubts and wants you to explain your words and actions, then you may want to talk to your ex. Have an apologetic tone and try to make your ex feel respected and cared for. If your ex is merely looking for information and sympathy, you may be able to give your ex what he or she needs to relax around you and want you back.
The problem is that most dumpers aren’t open to explanations. They’re done with the relationship and shouldn’t be talked to. Talking merely gives them power and kills their curiosity and interest.
As a dumpee, you need to know when to talk to an ex and when not to. It’s polite to respond to your ex’s reachouts, but that doesn’t mean you should entertain meaningless conversations. When your ex is merely curious about you, you owe it to yourself to end the conversation before it gives you unnecessary information and pain.
This means you must deal with breadcrumbs efficiently, talk about urgent matters concisely, and avoid all other unproductive conversations that benefit your ex at your expense. You can tell your ex wants something for nothing when the conversation lacks empathy, respect, fear of rejection, and a plan to get back together.
So how to talk to an ex?
If you’re not ready to talk to your ex, tell your ex you’re not ready. Say you need more time to focus on yourself and that you’ll reach out when you’re ready. But if you’re over your ex and want to be friends, friends with benefits, or something in between, then simply talk about non-relationship topics. You can mention the past to feel the waters, but don’t overfocus on it.
If you talk about the past too much, your ex might think that you’re stuck in it and that you’re looking for an opportunity to reconcile.
Talking to an ex is pretty straightforward. Simply keep things light and mimic your ex’s gestures and intensity. You’ll be a decent conversationalist as long as you watch what your ex does and respect your ex’s boundaries. Your ex will show you what he or she feels comfortable with and whether he or she wants to keep the conversation going.
If your ex gets tired, bored, or offended, your ex may stop talking to you. If that happens, it’s important to take the hint and not to keep texting and calling your ex. Continuing to talk to your ex when he or she doesn’t want to talk will likely result in unwanted emotions and reactions.
While you’re talking to your ex, stay respectful and set your own boundaries. Don’t agree to things you’re not comfortable with. Agreeing to everything your ex says will make your ex take you for granted and not respect you.
Having said that, here’s how to talk to an ex who seems to want to talk.
How to talk to an ex who doesn’t want to talk?
If your ex doesn’t want to talk, you shouldn’t force your ex to talk. Pushing for conversation will make you look far more emotionally invested and interested in staying in touch than your former partner. Your eagerness to converse will shift the balance of power in your ex’s favor and decrease your ex’s willingness to talk.
That’s why when your ex loses interest, you must withdraw your attention and work on losing interest. You must do it to show your ex you’ve accepted the breakup and found better people and things to focus on.
Your goal should be to let your ex come to you. He or she should spend some time alone, engage in reflection, and want to chat of his or her own accord. If your ex discovers your worth and wants to communicate with you, you can be certain your ex will reach out.
Just keep in mind that it may not be about getting back together. Your ex might only miss you as a friend and want a texting relationship with you. Remembering this may help you keep your hopes low and protect you from getting strung along.
So don’t try to make your ex talk to you before he or she is ready to talk. Your ex won’t respect you if you keep looking for ways to get your ex to open up to you and validate you. Your ex will respect you only if you respect yourself and wait for him or her to decide to talk to you.
When your ex reaches out, you can then decide if your ex has a good reason for reaching out and if you still want to talk.
If you do no contact and focus on yourself, your priorities should gradually change. They should change from wanting to converse with your ex to preferring space and time to heal. You probably want to hear from your ex very badly, but give it some time and you’ll stop imagining your ex talking to you and reassuring you.
You’ll understand that your ex should work just as hard, if not harder to impress you and that if your ex doesn’t treat you with respect, you won’t stick around and beg for attention. You’ll simply move on and connect with people who treat you well and deserve you.
In conclusion, learn how to talk to an ex who left you so that your ex respects you and gives you what you need moving forward. You don’t want to engage with your ex only to feel used and feel worse. You want to do what’s best for your happiness and well-being now and in the future.
How do you think you should talk to an ex? What should the conversations be about? Comment below and let us know.
However, if you need help learning how to talk to an ex-partner, sign up for a 1-on-1 coaching session with us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
