How To Respond When Your Ex Says I Love You?

Exes like to say all kinds of nice stuff. They especially like to say “I miss you” and “I love you.” They like these words because they don’t want you to feel abandoned and forgotten. A part of them is aware of the pain and inconvenience they’ve caused you.

That part is called conscience.

Deep inside, they feel a sense of responsibility for leaving the relationship and hurting you. It’s a shame they don’t understand that words such as love give you hope and confuse you.

They make you think they have romantic feelings for you and that they may still be open to the idea of being in a romantic relationship with you.

Sadly, they’re not. They just don’t like the fact that they’ve moved on while you’re still figuring out what went wrong and struggling to love yourself.

That’s why “I love you” from an ex is just a projection. It’s equivalent to a friendly pat on the shoulder that strives to make you feel cared for in exchange for not feeling bad for leaving you.

It’s an “I help you, you help me” kind of gesture. Don’t think it’s anything more than that or you’ll get your hopes up for nothing. If you assume your ex is testing you and wants you back, you’ll tell your ex you love him or her back and risk pushing your ex away.

Your ex’s lack of reciprocation will, in turn, make you feel rejected and undesired.

So remember that you needn’t tell someone who left you that you love him or her too. You don’t need to say or do anything that people in love do. You can just say you appreciate him or her saying that but that you don’t think it’s appropriate to say such things.

This will show you’re not going to act like you’re still together and that you want your ex to avoid saying ambiguous words.

There’s simply no need to say “I love you” to each other even if you mean it in a friendly way. Now that you’re exes, it’s more than enough to say you care about each other as people or friends and that you’re grateful for everything you went through.

Friendly words give way less hope than I love you’s as they encourage detachment rather than attachment.

That’s why I strongly encourage you to think, say, and do things that keep your ex out of your heart and help you heal. Healthy post-breakup behavior won’t just set the tone with your ex but also enable you to move away from the relationship onto better things.

It will allow you to behave like a single person and make you okay with being single.

On the other hand, acting like you’re still in a relationship will reopen your wounds, make you nostalgic, and force you to crave romantic feelings from the relationship. If you don’t want to stay emotionally hooked on your ex for ages, it’s in your best interest to watch how you talk and act around your ex.

Don’t just react to emotions and say the first thing that comes to mind. Impulsivity will most likely overwhelm your ex and make your ex run for the hills. 

Now that you’re broken up, your ex shouldn’t tell you that he or she loves you. Likewise, you shouldn’t say “I love you” back. You should both be careful of the words you use and get some space from each other. Space is necessary for you to live independent lives and eliminate any remaining expectations.

You as a dumpee, probably have tons of them. You still want your ex to be with you and validate your feelings. That’s understandable. Your ex, however, doesn’t need you to validate him or her. Your ex broke up with you due to a lack of romantic feelings.

You shouldn’t assume that your ex feels the same as you. Dumpers feel relief and occasional guilt. All they need from their dumpee ex is verbal or non-verbal forgiveness. They usually obtain it indirectly by checking up on their ex and saying things like, “I love you and think about you.”

Depending on how their ex responds, they observe their ex’s response and use their ex to get rid of the idea that they might be bad people for leaving the relationship. 

You might think that your ex wants you back or will want you back if you show patience and growth, but that probably won’t happen. Your ex will just shower you with love to get the reassurance he or she needs to move on with a clear conscience. 

So don’t think that reconciliation requires you to respond lovingly. If anything, it requires you to show that you don’t care anymore. A lack of care creates a sense of urgency whereas loving responses provide forgiveness, kill attraction, and destroy the need to act fast.

In this post, we talk about how to respond when your ex says I love you.

How to respond when your ex says I love you?

The best way to respond when your ex says I love you is to say you’re happy to hear that things are okay between the two of you but that you don’t find such comments appropriate. Explain that exes shouldn’t be that close after the breakup and that it could complicate your moving-on process and your future relationships.  

Words of endearment, compliments, and relationship-exclusive words shouldn’t be thrown around casually after the breakup. They should be avoided so as not to pressure the dumper and empower the dumpee with false hope.

Exes should be selective with the things they say to each other. They should minimize or better yet, cut out all communication and love themselves rather than each other. By loving themselves, they can develop self-reliance and get each other out of their systems.

It doesn’t happen overnight. But provided they start no contact and follow the rules of no contact, they can soon rediscover their importance and realize they don’t need to cling to each other for happiness. They can just focus on themselves and those who don’t feel the need to downgrade their relationship.

So don’t let your ex use words with more than one interpretation. Instead, stop your ex right away by saying you need time to yourself to process things and that you don’t want to communicate right now.

It doesn’t matter how you say you need space as long as you’re respectful and resolute not to keep your ex close to you. Your job as a dumpee is to move on from your ex, not get close to your ex.

You need to do that if you want friendship, a relationship, or nothing at all. Your ex prioritized his or her feelings too; now it’s your turn to do the same.

With that said, here are some ways in which you can respond when an ex says “I love you.”

You must keep in mind that an ex who loves you won’t just tell you that he or she loves you. The dumper will also give you love by appearing terrified of rejection, asking you lots of questions, complimenting you, and inviting you out.

By attempting to move the relationship to the next level, your ex will give you your lost power back and show you a desire to repair the broken relationship.

All you need to do is wait for your ex to tell you that he or she regrets leaving (not hurting) you.

When your ex becomes regretful, it will be obvious that your ex has developed romantic expectations of you because your ex will want your attention and affection and won’t let you go.

Should I ignore my ex when my ex says I love you?

You should never ignore your ex. Whether you are interested in being with your ex or not, your ex is a human being who deserves a response. He or she deserved it when you were together, so your ex deserves it now as well.

Your response shouldn’t depend on what your relationship status is.

That doesn’t, however, mean that you should regularly talk to your ex and entertain him or her every time your ex reaches out. If you keep talking to your ex and saying you love him or her back, you’ll be way too close to your ex.

You’ll stay dependent on your ex for basic human needs and fail to improve as a person.

Hence, your goal should be to break the attachment to your ex and become the best version of yourself. You can achieve those two things by communicating your wants and needs confidently and maturely.

Some people suggest ignoring or confronting your ex, but they may not be the best source for moral advice. You wouldn’t ignore your ex if your ex wanted you back, right? You shouldn’t ignore your ex now either. Ignoring infuriates people and makes them despise you. 

Never ignore an ex you want to make things work with. Never ignore or block people unless they pose a threat to you or your loved ones.

Ignoring and blocking are avoidance behaviors that show what you (not others) are like. It’s a coping mechanism for people who lack the tools to resolve things peacefully and maturely.

Ignoring may protect you from unwanted thoughts and emotions, but it’s usually not needed.

It’s unnecessary and bad for your personal growth and happiness unless:

• Your ex is unreasonable and dangerous
• Your ex doesn’t leave you alone when you ask for space (multiple times)

When you ignore an ex who left you, your chances of friendship and relationship decrease significantly. That’s because your ex thinks you’re rude and disrespectful and brands you as an angry individual who can’t communicate maturely. 

So if you feel tempted not to respond to your ex when he or she says “I love you,” know that there are better ways to tell your ex you’re not interested in talking about such things. One way to tell your ex that is to say exes shouldn’t talk that way and that you’re not ready for friendship.

Your ex will probably respect your emotional unreadiness and decision to self-prioritize and leave you alone after that. He or she won’t bother you if you say you can’t be friends yet. Only immature and vengeful people will take your response personally and blame you for standing up for yourself.

You want to permanently cease all communication with such people as they feel entitled to stay in touch with you. They don’t understand that they’re going through different breakup stages than their ex and that they have to learn a thing or two about breakup dynamics.

If your ex doesn’t know or care how you feel, it’s okay to stop communicating with your ex. But do so by expressing yourself clearly and respectfully. Dealing with the breakup maturely will help you in the future when you encounter a similar situation and feel like running away from it.

Consider your breakup a test of maturity and a deciding factor for your future. The better you express yourself now, the smaller the chance that you’ll deliberately or indeliberately hurt your ex and your future partners.

What if I tell my ex I love him/her too?

If you profess your love for your ex, you won’t destroy your chances of reconciliation, but you will show that you’re happy to talk as if the relationship hasn’t ended. You’ll show you’re okay with saying things like, “I love you and miss you” and that it’s acceptable for your ex to do the same.

By doing so, you’ll enable your ex to keep saying the same nice things over and over again and get strung along.

Nothing will change, which means you’ll stay hung up on your ex for quite some time.

If you want to recover quickly, it’s best to stop talking like lovers right after the breakup. Your ex will respect you more if you ask him or her not to treat you like a romantic partner. That’s because your ex will see that he or she won’t get relationship benefits from you anymore.

Your ex will get nothing from you that he or she hasn’t earned.

So if you told your ex “I love you too,” simply stop saying such things and ask your ex to do the same. You can do that the next time he or she reaches out and makes it look like he or she still loves you.

When it comes to love, it simply isn’t there anymore. It’s been gone since the day the relationship ended. Your ex may not like it, but he or she will have to respect your feelings and stop saying things that give you hope and make you anxious.

Your ex will have to do what’s best for you and not just him/her.

It’s super important that you don’t tolerate things that aren’t good for you and that you’re not okay with. You may enjoy hearing your ex say “I love you,” but this is extremely bad for your healing because it makes you think your ex is on his or her way back to you.

It basically stops you from letting go and finding new sources of happiness.

So no matter how good it feels to talk to your ex and hear him or her say hopeful things, make sure to stop saying “I love you” back. The sooner you do this, the quicker you can expect to heal.

Did you learn how to respond when your ex says I love you? How did/will you respond to your ex? Share your reply to your ex in the comments area below.

And if you’re not sure how to respond yet and want our help, click here to visit our coaching options.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.