Men are known for being more rational than women, but that doesn’t make the reconciliation process any easier. When people develop negative associations toward their ex, lose feelings, and decide to leave, they can’t be talked back into a relationship. Talking tends to suffocate, overwhelm, and annoy them and cause them to stay guarded.
They consider their ex desperate for love and connection and stay away from their ex for their own good.
It’s not impossible for them to return to a former partner, but they must still respect the dumpee and understand his or her worth. They must know that without the dumpee, they’ll stay unhappy and regret breaking up with a good person and partner. Therefore, getting back with an ex isn’t as straightforward as they make it seem in the movie.
The dumper can’t just run after the dumpee, apologize, and get another chance on his or her terms. Sometimes reconciliation happens that way, but it’s extremely rare and causes more harm than good. It makes dumpers hog all the power and think even worse of their exes.
To get a guy back after the breakup, you must understand how your ex feels and how breakups and reconciliations work. Not only must you put yourself in your ex’s shoes, but you must also give your ex space, show restraint, exude patience, respect, and self-respect, and let your ex be in charge for the time being. Your ex must feel in control of the breakup and his post-breakup life so that he can do the things he’s been wanting to do.
If he’s been wanting to date other people and not think about you, he must have the space to do so. You don’t have the right to tell him what’s best for him and try to stop him from moving on and enjoying his life. You’re his ex, not his mom. If you don’t agree with his decisions and actions, you don’t have to tolerate them. You must walk away and demonstrate strength, acceptance, and growth.
By showing no (romantic) interest in his new life, you’ll feel and appear emotionally independent and make it safer for your ex to interact with you if he wants to. Your ex won’t fear that by talking to you, he’ll make you nervous and see how badly you want to be with him.
So if you want to know how to get a guy back after a breakup, remember that begging and pleading won’t inspire the guy to return. If anything, it will scare him off and destroy his remaining respect, curiosity, guilt, and interest.
Getting a guy back requires a lot of self-discipline and self-focus. You must acknowledge that the relationship has ended and that if you get back together, you’ll be starting a new relationship, rather than continuing the old one. You must, of course, also fix your flaws and reasons you broke up. Don’t expect things to magically improve just by getting back together.
People repeat their patterns. If their patterns are unhealthy or bad for a relationship, they make the same mistakes and break up when problems pile up.
That’s why you should work on yourself diligently. Your end goal can be to reunite with your ex, but before you make the necessary changes, your top priority should be self-improvement and detachment. Detachment is an important part of the reconciliation process because it allows you to think clearly, act confidently, and make the best possible impression on your ex.
The less you depend on your ex emotionally and the harder a problem your ex encounters in his pursuit of happiness, the bigger the odds that your ex will wonder about you and want to be a part of your life as a friend, friend with benefits, or partner. Of course, a little problem and strong appearance alone won’t bring your ex back. But they will make you an “interesting” dating candidate when life gets super tough and triggers your ex’s insecurities, doubts, and confusion.
That’s when your ex will quickly dissociate stress from your persona and consider recommitting to you and relying on you for safety and happiness.
Exes (male or female) don’t come back because they suddenly remember their ex’s good traits and miss their ex. They come back when painful and unpredictable issues shatter their unrealistic expectations and bring them back to reality. Unresolvable problems basically trigger a reflection and force them to see their ex’s true value.
When they understand their life is on a decline and that they may be able to change its course with the help of their ex, they shoot their ex a text, break the silence, and suddenly show interest in getting to know their ex. Their behavior shows that they no longer feel relieved (empowered by the breakup) and think highly of themselves.
At least not as highly as they used to.
Personal problems can heavily weigh on dumpers’ self-esteem. They can make even the strongest dumpers question their happiness and choices in life. If they determine that they were happier when they were with their ex, they may stop blaming their ex for everything and run back to their ex for familiarity and safety.
Reconciliations are dumpers’ backup plans. They go back to their ex when their primary plan fails and hurts them deeply.
So if you want to know how to get a guy back after he left you and showed you how little you mattered to him, bear in mind that you can’t force stubborn exes to change how they think and feel. They have to want to change their beliefs and feelings on their own. And they usually want to change them when they get in a pickle and have no choice but to do something to avoid pain and feel happy.
It’s ironic, but dumpers both leave and return when they’re unhappy. In both cases, they act on pain and do what’s best for themselves. The only difference between leaving and returning is that in the former, they associate negativity with their ex, whereas in the latter, they associate it with themselves or others.
Dumpers return when they try to be happy but fail. Happiness is a broad term, but usually, they lack it when something or someone hurts or disappoints them physically, emotionally, or financially. That’s when they start pondering about ways to minimize pain and maximize contentedness and success.
This post covers strategies for getting a guy back. We discuss how to reconcile with an ex as a dumpee and a dumper.
How to get a guy back?
If you left a man and regret leaving him, getting back with him is very simple. All you have to do is reach out to him and tell him you were selfish and stupid. If he still loves you, he’ll accept your apology and take you back. He may be a bit guarded at first, but you can’t blame him after you broke his heart into a million pieces.
The breakup wounded him deeply, so you should remember that it could take some time to fix the broken trust. This is especially true if you left him for someone else or started dating someone else shortly after the breakup. Your ex might also reject your invitation. If that happens, you should respect your ex’s decision and understand that you either hurt your ex too much to take you back or waited too long for him to detach.
Your ex might still change his mind in the future, but it could take him a long time. We’re talking about months, years, or decades of self-prioritizing and trying to live a happy life without you. Some dumpees don’t go back to exes, don’t forgive, or can’t trust after being told they’re not good enough. They choose to protect themselves and move forward rather than backward.
Such dumpees have rebuilt their self-esteem or always had good self-esteem. Either way, they regain control of the breakup and keep their ex at a safe distance.
If the ex you left doesn’t want you back, you mustn’t insist on getting back together. You must consider yourself a dumpee and follow the rules dumpees follow – the indefinite no contact rules. These rules will prevent you from making breakup mistakes and retain your value.
Whether you were dumped or rejected when you realized your ex’s true potential, you must give your ex space and focus on yourself. Don’t pester your ex and tell him how much he means to you. He won’t believe you, nor care about what you have to say because he detached and gave up. You’ll make a better impression on your ex if you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself and let your ex come to you if he feels like it.
At the moment, your ex doesn’t share the same feelings with you. He has different feelings and beliefs and doesn’t feel the need to get back together. He’ll feel like reconciling only when life gives him lemons and pushes him into making life-changing decisions.
This could be when he:
- gets rejected
- gets dumped
- falls ill/into depression
- loses his job and/or struggles financially
- feels lost
- argues with friends or family
Usually, it takes something self-esteem-breaking for guys to get off their high horses and admit to making relationship mistakes. They must suffer so badly that they improve their perception of their ex and want their ex’s forgiveness and affection. Until that happens, they don’t miss their ex romantically and regret leaving. The only thing they regret is not leaving their ex sooner.
You may have heard a lot of conflicting information about how to get a guy back. Your friends, family, and strangers on the internet likely all said different things and confused you. Some told you what you wanted to hear and gave you hope whereas others were more pragmatic and took your hope away. Regardless of what you’ve heard or wanted to hear, you need to understand that your ex isn’t waiting for you to come back to him.
Your ex is enjoying his space and privacy and passively dealing with negative post-breakup emotions. In other words, your ex isn’t doing anything to address his concerns and unwanted feelings. He’s merely waiting for them to go away.
You likely tried explaining yourself and making your ex emotional—but it didn’t work. It probably backfired and pushed your ex further away. That’s why you need to be realistic and change any beliefs that no longer serve you positively. Forget about advice that promises quick results and discourages hard work.
To get back with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, you must avoid pushing your ex to do what he doesn’t want and love yourself. Loving yourself means focusing on yourself and those who can and want to fulfill your needs. Typically, this includes friends and family.
So give up on trying to directly influence your ex’s feelings and decisions. Consider your ex’s departure proof that your ex disconnected emotionally and can’t be controlled. If you try to make your ex change his mind and be with you, you’ll risk overwhelming your ex and seeing a side of your ex you’ve never seen before.
You’re probably not ready to get rejected again. As long as you have feelings and expectations, you need to keep your ex out of sight and mind. If you work or live together, you must find a different job and move on. Don’t keep your ex close to you because you’ll obsess about your ex and let your ex’s happiness and independence play with your mind.
You won’t be able to accept the breakup, get out of denial, and see your ex from a different angle. Not until you completely exhaust yourself and give up on your ex.
So if you want to know how to get a guy back, remember that a big part of the reconciliation process is keeping your distance and minding your own business. No contact can help you and your ex process the breakup and see each other differently. If you both think positively about each other, you may be able to redevelop feelings even years later and give the relationship another chance.
Apologize to your ex only once. Do it during the breakup – the closure conversation so your ex doesn’t think you’re hurt and doing it just to change his mind. Your ex must see that you’ve accepted the breakup and given up on getting back together. It’s important that your ex believes this so that your ex can redevelop respect, feelings, commitment, and a sense of urgency to come back before it’s too late.
I know you want your ex back yesterday, but reconciliations don’t work that way. The dumper must first become unhappy and decide to go back to the dumpee. This happens when the dumpee stops trying to control the dumper’s decisions and feelings and lets his or her ex face unresolvable problems.
I encourage you to work on letting go of hope and control. Do your best to get over your ex so that you think clearly when or if your ex checks up on you and/or wants you back. You must be emotionally ready and prepared to deal with breadcrumbs and regrets.
Having said that, here’s how to get a guy back if he left you.
How long should I wait for my ex?
You shouldn’t put your life on hold for someone who dumped you. Even if you made mistakes and got dumped because of them, it’s the dumper’s job to realize your worth and come back to you. You’ve already apologized and said what you needed to say. And if you didn’t, it’s too late now. Your words and actions will come across as desperate and disrespectful.
You need to wait for your ex to become receptive and want you back.
Waiting doesn’t mean that you refuse to let go by intentionally staying hooked on your ex. It means prioritizing yourself and those who deserve your attention and care. Your ex isn’t one of those people. He lost the priority spot in your life when he detached and officially broke up with you.
So don’t wait even a minute for an ex who doesn’t want to be with you. Instead of watching your phone for notifications from your ex and digging for information on your ex, delete your ex’s number and unfollow your ex on social media. Take actions that keep your ex out of your life and help you recover.
You’ll have an easier time coping with the breakup if you shut your ex out of your life and do your best to forget about your ex. Do this by keeping yourself busy. Hang out with people who value you and fear losing you. They’ll show you that your ex is a matter of the past and isn’t worth waiting for.
It might take some time for your self-love to exceed your love for your ex, but that’s okay. No one says you must leave your ex in the past by a certain date. You’ll move on when you heal from rejection and see ways in which your life has improved.
If you focus on yourself rather than your ex, it’s only a matter of time before you fully let go of your ex and appreciate your new life. My only advice is to be patient and kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and go through the detachment process. Your ex may not be feeling sad and depressed, but that doesn’t mean he never will.
When life takes an unexpected turn, he’ll feel like you feel right now. And you might not even care because you’ll finally be happy and know what you bring to the table. You’ll know that your ex doesn’t define you and that you can be even happier alone or with someone else.
Still wondering how to get a guy back? What are you doing/prepared to do to get back with him? Comment below and let us know.
However, if you need our help with reconciliation, reach out to us directly. We’ll help you get closure and maximize your chances of success.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
