The most difficult kind of breakup is when parents don’t like your boyfriend or girlfriend.
It’s so difficult because the people who have been with you since the very beginning are sort of expected to be supportive of your romantic life and the decision you make in life. In a way, their validation provides assurance and acceptance while their rejection of your partner does the opposite.
If your parents don’t provide proper validation, love, and care from an early age, you may develop an anxious or an avoidant attachment style.
And if this carries into adulthood, you may suffer from a lack of love and develop your own relationship difficulties that otherwise wouldn’t be present.
Furthermore, if your family tries to force you to break up with your partner, you may find yourself in dilemma choosing between the people who have given you life and your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Forced breakup because of parents
If your parents don’t like your fiancĂ©, fiancĂ©e, boyfriend or girlfriend, the situation is often really difficult and frequentlyâeven hopeless. That’s because things may quickly escalate to the point where you have to decide between your family or your partner.
Now, if you have a family of your own already and you’re with the person you love, then the decision is a no-brainer. You will always choose your wife/husband and the kids over your parents’ judgment.
But if you’re still young (let’s say in your 20s), then your parents might have a final say. This, of course, depends on your cultural and religious background as well as the kind of relationship you have with your parents.
If your family is the one making the decisions about who you can date and be with, then, by all means, listen to them. They are the ones who will approve or disapprove of the person you’re seeing so there’s nothing you can do about that.
This kind of parenting regime is quite common in South Asia, but it nevertheless, also exists all around the world.
Moreover, it’s not just the South Asian families who sometimes control the fate of their children’s relationships and marriages. It’s American and European families too.
My parents want me to break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend
In some countries, parents make important relationship decisions so it would be wrong for me to advise you to go against your parents.
The most you can do is to try to reason with them and explain how your boyfriend or girlfriend is right for you and how he or she will contribute to the family.
Provided your partner is truly good for you and doesn’t hurt you or anything like that, then most of the time, families will accept the person you’re dating.
But if they don’t accept him or her, and your partner is actually a good human being, and you’ve been with him or her for a long time, then things could get ugly.
Since disapproving parents usually stand by their decision that you should break up with your partner, relationships like this almost never end well.
Whenever your parents pester you, they put unnecessary stress on the relationship and make your relationship with the person you love unbelievably hard.
The person you’re dating feels extremely unwelcome and probably hates your parents’ rejection and possibly even them. That’s why it’s really difficult for your partner to want to stay around your parents who hate his or her guts. It’s difficult even if your partner loves you to the moon and back.
I personally know how it feels to be rejected by parents because I’ve been there before. It doesn’t feel one bit exciting and I can say that I never want to be in that position again.
In fact, it’s so horrible I’d made the promise to myself that I’d rather be with someone whose family approves of me. In this way, I’d save myself the unnecessary drama and the desperation to win their approval.
Winning parents’ recognition
If you’re a reader of the blog, you likely already know that winning somebody’s recognition is the most degrading thing ever.
Everybody in this world deserves a fair chance based on their internal factors. People should be evaluated for the people they are, not the external fortunes they possess.
Sure, having a job is important when you want to get married and have children, but this alone doesn’t make a person truly valuable. Not to the right people anyway.
For example, you are not going to live your life happily with someone just because he or she is a doctor. On the contrary, you are likely going to get in a thousand arguments with this person because of various different incompatibilities and contradictory points of view.
Disapproving parents that want you to break up usually first see the person’s social and financial status. Everything else is hidden from view as no one but the couple can discern each other’s personalitiesâwhich should always be #1.
The only reason, for example, that you are not a rattlesnake is that your mother and father weren’t rattlesnakes. You deserve very little credit for being what you are.
Dale carnegie
Just how you deserve very little credit for who you are, so do your parents. They are who they are based on the society they grew up in, the parenting, their own mentality and many other factors that have very little to do with them.
People usually form an opinion of another person in mere seconds. They visually determine if the person is appealing, how his or her body language is and the way they speak. These 3 things we obtain very quickly, hence why the first impression matters so much.
Changing this first impression, however, takes time. If the person said something appalling in the first minute, for example, then we may despise the person so much that we will never give him a chance to redeem himself or herself.
The same can be said for parents that have formed their own beliefs about the person they want you to break up with.
How to get your parents to like your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Getting your parents to like your boyfriend or girlfriend is hard, but not impossibly hard. It really depends on how open your parents are and how well-versed are at persuading people.
Sometimes, you just need to sit them down and explain to them that the person you’re seeing is wife/husband material. You need to show them your commitment to the person and your utter dedication to take the relationship to the new level.
If explaining to them and showing them that you love your partner doesn’t get your parents to like your partner, on the other hand, then nothing will.
It can be difficult to talk to your parents if they are arrogant, ignorant and hard-headed. It can also be difficult to accomplish much when your parents hate your boyfriend or girlfriend for no apparent reason.
Some people are impossible to reason with so even if you try your very best and show them everything they need to see, they could still be against the relationship.
That’s because some people are controlled by a high ego and would rather take a butt-whipping than admit they were wrong.
Parents can also be so stubborn that nothing changes their mind. In such cases, your relationship may be completely hopeless even if you’ve done everything right from beginning to the end.
Some people just can’t be influenced.
Period.
Parents are forcing me to break up
Chances are your parents will never be happy until you break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. No matter how much you beg them to be happy for your happiness, it might never happen.
In that case, you have a decision to make.
Sometimes keeping both your parents and your partner is not possible and it’s truly a horrible feeling.
You can either choose to be happy with the person who loves you and wants a relationship with you or to listen to your parents and let your partner go.
Although the middle ground – to keep your parents and your partner sounds like the best option, you may not be able to go down that route when your parents are giving you an ultimatum.
They expect you to do as they say and find someone more to their liking as if it’s them who are going to spend their life by your side.
They are nonetheless, always going to support you, but they won’t wake up next to you and get old with you.
Choosing between your partner and your parents
Casting your parents aside sounds like a horrible idea and most people don’t do it. They will instead argue with their parents for a while and eventually give up on the person they love.
Not only will they give up, but they will completely lose attraction because their parents will have ruined their relationship for them.
They will argue with their parents so much and so often that they will end up believing their parents in the end and might even end up hating their partner.
The dumper often becomes cold and distant as a result of a breakup. And the breakup caused by parents is no different. The dumper could act as if it’s the dumpee’s fault the breakup occurred and may appear very mean and disinterested in his or her (ex) partner.
So if you’re in a position where you need to decide between your partner and your parents, I wish I could help you decide. Unfortunately, all I can do is tell you how I see things.
My humble opinion
It’s not for me to decide for you, but I’d like to share my thoughts on this matter. Please note that my opinion may not apply to all regions of the world as I am from the western part of the globe.
So if parents had been deciding who their children marry in your family for generations and generations, then using my advice would be impossible and likely extremely impolite toward your family. Please keep that in mind.
My personal belief is that parents can be amazing guides as they almost always give good relationship advice. Moreover, I also think that they should always support their children’s romantic decisions as long as their children are content and of mature age.
Their personal experiences and wisdom can often help their children overcome many difficulties and make their lives many times easier.
Just how parents don’t always agree with us, we don’t always agree with them. We may not agree with their taste in music, food, favorite places in the world and other things that are a matter of preference.
But there are some things we should not oppose for the sake of their happiness and at the same timeâour own.
We can’t disapprove of their religion, strong beliefs, visual appearance, new partner, choice of friends (unless they are harmful), etc. We must remember that their personal lives are theirs to live.
So just how you shouldn’t oppose your mature parents’ private life, neither should they disapprove of yours. Provided you’re an adult, you are more than capable of making your own decisions, hence why you were given a brain of your own.
If you commit a horrible crime, you will be defending yourself at the court. Your parents can’t serve their time in jail for you.
So if the love you feel toward your partner is genuine, then your parents should never have the power to try to force you to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Personally, I think it’s very, very wrong for loving parents to go against their sons and daughters and take their happiness away just because they don’t get along or don’t like their partners.
To me, it seems very selfish and disrespectful toward you as a person who had made the decision to be with the person you love and invested emotionally in him or her.
Such parents are essentially telling you to detach from the person with whom you want to spend your life with and pretend as if he or she never mattered.
Just because they are parents and hold a special place in your heart doesn’t mean they have the right to abuse their power and force you to break up.
They can give you their opinion and tell you why your relationship may not be the healthiest for you. But apart from that, it’s not their concern.
I know I sound very biased and extremely against disapproving parents who want their sons and daughters to break up with their partners.
Perhaps that’s because my parents have always approved of the girls I’ve dated and entrusted me with the decision-making to take care of myselfâwhich I did.
I may not have always chosen the best partners for me, but I had to learn that myself.
It’s as if you buy a box of candies and your parents tell you that the red candies taste bad and that you absolutely can’t have them. They make the assumption that their judgment is absolute and that they really don’t want you to think for yourself.
So even if you tasted the red candy before and you liked it, some parents might still insist that it’s not good because they don’t like it. They simply expect you to respect their dictatorship.
Everybody has their own way of thinking and this is merely my opinion.
The ultimate decision will always be up to you to make.
Are your parents forcing you to break up with your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé, fiancée, husband or wife? What are you going to do? Comment below.
I am with my girlfriend for 1 year now and We are very happy with eachother. We share many similiar traits and I love the time when we travel together.
I want to introduce her to my parents but they won’t accept her. They don’t even want to meet her because she is not well educated. I have a postgrads degree and in their opinion “I am overqualified for her”. Furthermore “she is not even pretty”. Why is this important to them anyways? Why isn’t it enough for them to accept my feeling for her? That I find her pretty and I don’t care if she isn’t postgrad or a doctor or an engineer etc. is irrelevant for them.
I won’t go against my parents. but giving up this relationship would break two hearts…
Hi Iâm a 20 year old female from South Africa and being from an Indian family, I wanted to introduce my parents to my male friend ( whom I have fallen in love with and he shares the same feelings towards me). I sat them down and told them that I liked this boy (thinking that being open would make things better and show them that I want them to understand and know whatâs going on in my life) and I wanted to go out with him and not earn their mistrust and lie about my whereabouts. But shockingly they disapprove of who he is because of how he looks and where he comes from. Iâve tried persuading them and defending him but it just didnât seem to work. This is my first time falling in love and I feel so hurt that my parents werenât there to support me and my feeling and now I have no idea what to do. I do not want to let the opportunity of love disappear because I fear I might not connect with someone else the way I do with this boy, yet I donât want to seem disrespectful towards my parents because they claim they know whatâs best for me when they arenât present half the time in my life. Please help me Iâm such a wreck right now I donât know what to do or who to choose đđđ
Hi Radz.
Breaking up because of parents is incredibly difficult. I wish I could advise you and help you out, but you’ve got to figure out what you’re going to do. You probably can’t discard your parents over a guy, so don’t make any rash decisions. Maybe, just maybe they will change their mind if you talk to them some more.
Best regards,
Zan
Admittedly, I generally share the opinion of the author of this article – with that in mind, though, I never think it is ok for parents to disapprove based on looks and where someone comes from. That is no longer in the territory of concern for their child, but more towards discriminatory and judgmental tendencies that should be considered intolerable in this day and age. I will say that you never know when love may reappear in your life if this does not work out, but I hope that you can figure out a way to get through to your parents and have them be respectful of your choices and your freedom. Though they may know certain parts of you better than anyone else, they do not know much about the other sides of you, especially the sides that are most relevant to any romantic relationships.
Iâm a 28 year old man. My girlfriend and I have been in relationship for 3 years. Yesterday which was a leap day (I supposed it was a special day) is the day she asked me to end our relationship due to her parentsâ opposing. The moment I learned that I felt so devastatingly shocked that we had come to this situation. At the beginning we agreed to keep this relationship hidden from her parents which I have known all along that it would be revealed to them one day. We also promised to keep fighting even if they disagreed to it when they found out about us. There was once we were into a fight because of this issue which didnât happen yet. She always kept saying that she would be by my side until they became persuaded. Now it turns out that she cannot do anything about the opposition. She only leaves me with the reason that we cannot go on or even if we keep going on, her parents will eventually refuse to accept it. I know It isnât her mistake since she is young (20y) and still under control of her parents. It has just been a day of not talking to her, but I feel like it is years and I keep thinking about her the whole day. And now I am waiting for her to tell me the real reasons or what her parents said to her.
PS: Since we were in love, I have never thought of loving her for any granted. It seems to others that her family is really rich in terms of wealth and reputations and they may think I love her for what she has or her family have, but I swear on my life that I have never thought of that matter at all. What I love about her is that she is a very understanding person I wish to marry. I have no problem with making money and a good living. Thatâs why I still keep wondering why her parents donât agree with our relationship.
Well, reading this article and the comments shocked me and it actually brings me a little peace to my heart. There are actually people who face similar situation as me.
I am from East Malaysia and my girlfriend is from the west. It has been a 7 years relationship and still counting. I have been working in the west for 5 years after college, planning to place my feet here, leaving my hometown for this girl I loved while facing the incident below.
However, vision seems too good to be true. My girlfriend’s mother didn’t like me from the very first meet up 7 years ago. That is when i just started college. Being young and bad at socializing, I placed a pretty bad first impression in her mind. Ever since, she has been telling my girlfriend I am not a good person to be together with for her whole life. The funny part is, she is unable to point out the bad things about me every time she complains about me nowadays.
She has a thought of losing her daughter to the east since in the Chinese culture, there is a saying where the female will follow the husband where ever he goes. (Traditional thinking)
She will come out with all sort of weird reason such as, her feeling sorry for my parents as I choose to be here setting my ground. PS, my parents are 100% supportive in my decision.
Through this 7 years, I have tried to be helpful to her household in all ways, trying to please her with my culinary skills on her birthday, buy her gifts. All this to let her know I am not the same guy you’ve seen the last time. But all I can see is, she denied all the things I gave her and gave it away to her friends, didn’t have the food i made for her and would rather go out and take away food for herself. It is close to impossible to change her view towards me.
Things got worst last year as her mother’s previous depression starts to creep out as her son left to UK for study and she felt the loneliness. (She has been a serious depression due to her husband cheated on her.) She threaten my girlfriend that she would kill herself if she choose to be with me still. Furthermore, she also blame the broken relationship of hers and her daughter on me. (which has been so even before I met my girlfriend). Even her depression causes are also on me at the time being.
After all the quarrel and debating, I am still counting my days with her, knowing that time will not solve this issue, but it will only get worst. We are still together but undercover. I wish things would be better, and we could make a next step in starting a life together. But TBH, the current issue now beside her mother will not accept me, I am unsure that Ill be able to accept her as my mother in law in the future. I am barely losing my grip, and willingly go back to my hometown and leave everything behind since she could be the only reason I am still here.
Just a sharing, and I wish everyone else will not have to face this kind of treatment from anyone. Excuse me for my bad English too. đ
I’m a 30 year old from south east asia dating a 23 year old from the Netherlands we were really good friends before we figured we had feelings for each other we started dating recently and were in a very good long distance relationship we love each other to bits, he’s always said he is willing to do everything to be with me. However I told my parents about him and immediately they disapproved basting their reason on society norms regarding age. They wont even give him a chance and talk to him so he can show them how much be loves me and cares for me. Hes such a wonderful person has a very pure loving heart and theres nothing more I want than to be with him. My parents are forcing me to let go off him but I cant who it hurts way too much. Idk what to do? When I spoke to him about this he was upset not he said he wasn’t giving up and that it was a set back but just now his attitude seems very cold…
Age is such a foolish issue to take in a relationship, especially in this day and age. It is especially so prevalent in South Asia, yet they do not care when the situation is reversed (older man, younger woman) even with a much larger gap. Such traditions are patriarchal, outdated, and unnecessary cause great anguish in lives for no benefit. He may especially be hurt as he likely does not understand the issue, and his parents may not have such concerns. While I can understand some age differences being concerning, you are both adults in relatively similar points in life. I hope that your relationship can be salvaged, and that he will understand and you are both able to fight for each other, but clearly some unnecessary damage was done by your parents’ inability to see things differently.
It has been over 14 years since I decided to break up with my ex. one of the main contributing factors was my family’s disapproval of him. This was the worst decision of my life. I am now married with 2 beautiful children. my husband and my life are picture perfect but I am empty inside and yearn for the love I lost so easily. I wish I was strong enough 14 years ago to make my own decisions and to believe in our love.
Don’t make the same mistake.
I am going through the same phase now. We have been in a relationship for almost 4 years but now when we thought to inform parents my parents are some how agreed but his mom is not at all agreeing though it’s been 3 months he informed on serious note. But his mom is having so many issues with me like she is not ready to talk to me as well. She has made up her mind. So now he is telling he has got to know the end results no it’s not working out, I am really worried what to do..
I am 20 and my mother recently met my boyfriend of nearly 9 months and decided she hated him and basically forced me to cut contact with him or she would disown me and I would never see my little brothers again and couldnât have my cat etc. took my phone wouldnât let me talk to friends and is constantly going on about how bad he is and how Iâve disappointed her. No regard for how I feel and says Iâm selfish and mean for dating and said she felt disrespected when I held his hand and got really nasty with me. Yesterday she gave me back the phone I was using and my computer that I bought with money I earned and said if I contact him in any way Iâm out on my ass and disowned and on welfare and that she will send someone to beat him to death.
Technically we are still together and I cannot communicate to him that I cannot be with him at this time. I am completely heartbroken as this is someone I sincerely love and care for but I do not want to be disowned or hate him in the long run. I am at a loss and when I show signs of sadness my mom saysâhow can you be sad about breaking up with some one like that??? You should be happy for him !â And she is stalking him on social media and me as well and tracking my messages and calls. I feel so so so helpless and I am using an alias so as not to be discovered
omg I’m so sorry I wish I could help you right now, is there any way to get out of the situation? Can you get a job and leave your Mom? Would you want to?
I’m sure you realize it, but that is SO not an ok or normal way for your mother to act. And threats like that show that none of it is for any rational, justifiable, or good reason. Do you have any other family members or others that you can trust? If not, I agree that independence and then attempting to maintain your own contact with the rest of your family may be something you have to consider if she will not come to her senses. Unless your little brothers are fed lies, I’m sure they would not forgive her if she keeps you from contacting them.
call the police to arrest her for making death threaths
when I was teen I had a relationship with this boy and my parents had no clue. It was going on for officially 21 days but we were still flirting for about 2 months. they found out everything and forced me to breakup and never talk to him again. I sill have feelings and its been 8 months im always talking about him and thinking about him. I cant even move on with another guy. everything that happened between us still goes through my mind everyday. my parents say your so young none of this matters he has probably moved on. someone please help me I need it
Hi love. Iâm going through the exact same thing.
He is the love of my life.. and his parents wants him to be with a girl of their culture.. I donât even think that his parents know about me, heâs to scared. We dated for a couple of months, and I didnât know this before, but he told me a week ago why weâve been kind of hiding and only seeing each other at night… Iâm in so much pain that I canât breathe without hurting. I know your feeling and the feeling off loss. He texts me how much he loves me and misses me, but he also told me that he has to get over me. That shit hurts. I love him with all of my heart and I wish I could have been given at least one chance to prove to his parents that I love his soul so much. I think the best thing we can do is to seek for closure. I never want him to get over me and I never want to get over him (probably never will) but we need a real ending. Love hurts. Iâm sending you all the hugs I know that I need right now too. Youâre beautiful
i really need help rn with all of this can you please dm me @alienicoleee
thank you so much Kim means alot just hard because im only 14 and I cant stop thinking about him I cant move one with another guy because my parents are strict and everyone at my school is basically talking to guys and im not. thanks again Kim hope your okay #twinning xxx
I feel you, the EXACT same thing is happening to me right now (im 15) and my parents found out and want me to stop talking to him they got very upset at me and my phone is now taken away and i feel so many mixed emotions. My parents thing he was using me because of the way he would talk about me and my body, which hurts me because this was the guy I really liked for 3 years and we finally were starting something :/ There was some red flags that i got from family members and myself too but because I truely liked him, Its hard for me to want to believe the things đ right now im still stuck on what to do, half of me is convienced that he was using me and a small half wasnt. It sucks. He would give off red flags and wouldnt want to answer questions about his family when i would ask(even though when we met for the first time he met my family) I feel like maybe i just liked the attention? My mom read the messages he would say to me and mom felt hurt that he would talk about my body. Please help on what i should do, I feel hopeless, I cant even text him bc i dont have my phone now and he doesnt go to my school and lives kinda far.
oh and also he wasnt my boyfriend because he never asked me but would only say that i was his đ all of this just made me really confused. so we werent in a real relationship but we both liked each other and started talking from three years ago from recent when he messaged me again in december :/ i just need advice please
My boyfriendâs mom doesnt approve me because i dont have a permanent resident in australia. She wants my boyfriend to find someone who have one so he can get the residency through her. But she made up some excuses to my boyfriend saying my personality and his personality doesnt match. I do believe couple should work on differences and im sure we can work on it. Over the year most of our problems comes from her. Now my boyfriend starting to believe her and wants to end it with me. Even though we still love each other so much. Im so devastated and dont know what to do. I dont want to let him go but i know heâs so stress to be in the middle of me and his mom. His mom is very controlling over everything. He needs to tell her if heâs wake up at work or home even when heâs now independent financially and lives abroad far from her that makes all her child always lie to her.
This article made me sad and feel hope at the same time. Mid last year my partner and I went through a horrible situation with my parents. They tried to get me to break up with him and that really hurt us. They now all hate each other and can not stand to talk to each other. I know I did not handle the situation as best as I could. My partner feels I did not stick up for him and my parents feel I did not stick up for them. My partner and I have been fighting for months and months now about the same things. He wants me to cut my parents off so they can realise what they did was wrong and that if they want a relationship with me they need to fix their relationship with him. I think I was hoping that with time things would heal and even if I was not speaking with my parents as often as I use t things would get better. They clearly have not and my partner has now given me an ultimatum. We have been together for 7 years and I feel we are on the breaking point. I do not like confrontation with my parents , but I know in order to save my relationship with my partner I need to confront them again. I just do not know what to say? I would really love advice on how to say to my parents “we have been hurting for months and months and in order to hopefully fix all relationships they need to make things right with my partner too.” Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you
Hi Jess, I can empathize with that situation. In my current relationship my boyfriendâs parents are divorced and his mom doesnât like me or approve, but his dad does. After we all realized she had a big problem with me, I had fights with my bf to get him to confront her too. Eventually now we donât talk about her and we are hoping that she approves one day. You shouldnât be unhappy while waiting for someone else to approve or not when you could be happy and living your best life!
Hi Zan, reading your opinion gives me so much hope and positivity.
I am currently in a situation where my mother doesnât approve of my boyfriend who Iâve been with for 2 years because of his socioeconomic background. I introduced him to her once and she hired a PI to inspect his family background (he comes from a well off family with always enough to live comfortably and travel) but to my mother he is far off from the ideal Rich multi million dollar company inheriting son-in-law she had pictured.
On our 2nd anniversary, she told me how she didnât understand why Iâm wasting my time with someone who is so far beneath me and it doesnât matter that he makes me happy and loves me and is hardworking. She also subtly threatened that she will not âstand idlyâ while I destroy my future. My boyfriend feels unwelcome whenever he comes over to my house to the point where I have stopped asking him to come over.
You gave me such hope and sadness at the same time knowing that my parents should have been lovingly accepting of my partner regardless of materialistic wealth but it also fuels hope for our future together because as you said, it is selfish and disrespectful of them to act this way and harshly put, they wonât be around forever and in the end this is my life. So big thank you!
Felt sad while reading. I’m also in a situation rn where my partner had to breakup with me. Major reason is his parents dont want us to be together even if we are already at the right age. He finds it hard to go oustide from their house and meet me because he’s afraid that his parents might get mad at us. We’ve been dating for more than a year but still, I can feel how unwelcome I am in their family. I dont even know the main reason why they are like that. My partner also became frustrated with their actions because for him, they make him feel like I dont matter and our relationship will never matter as long he is with me. Dropped by just to atleast understand why things like these happened to me, to us. Idk if this would still be fixed, since I could see he’s already believing what other people are trying to tell him. All Im ever hoping is that he would not change the way how he knew me from the start because during those times we were very contented of what we had not until we came to this point. I hope people would understand how it feels to be not welcomed and rejected by the other people so theyd understand that accepting things and letting other people happy for the choices they make is a lot more easier than full of hate and negative approach in life. Sharing this coz I had no one to talk to about this matter, it just doesnt feel right that im the girl but was the rejected one. i’m not a bad person and I always strive hard for everything to the point where I also had to strive for the approval of his parents. Its a sad thing to do for a girl who has good intentions in the relationship. Guess theres nothing wrong with giving chances to people.
This article hits home. I love my boyfriend so much. He is my best friend and the only person who I feel like I can be my true self around. We’ve been dating for about 9 months now and my parents were not on my side with it since about month 2. We want a future together. He and I were supposed to graduate high school together, but he dropped out at the end and my parents believe he has nothing going for him and that its only dragging me down as im at college 6 hours away, but really he is the only one there for me. They don’t even know him as a person, and claim they don’t want to and don’t care about my feelings for him. They have caused me so much anxiety having to hide this part of my life from them and all I want is their support. They are now making me choose him or them, either going back to college or not and choosing him. Of course I want my future and now have a horrible choice to make. Its ruining my family’s relationship with me but I do not think its right that I just end my relationship due to how they see the situation. My pain is obvious to other people in my life and its hurting me so bad. I don’t know what to do.
Hi Elena.
I wish I could advise you on what to do, but, unfortunately, you have to think about your future and make a decision on your own.
Your family is being inconsiderate of your feelings, but they are still your family.
I hope you can convince them to see your partner in a better light.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Elena
I am in the exact same boat as you and donât know what to do.
Thank you for this article. Every sentences is telling exactly just how my current situation is. You really understand the situation and you even catch the feelings.
I just ended the relationship 2weeks ago after 2.5years trying to solve this matter and get approval from his family.
This relationship has changed me a lot, as i’m trying to be a person that can satisfy their family. 2.5years feeling like i’m not good enough is a horrible experience. I had that at my childhood, and i have that again now I’m 31. He is 31 too, so should be mature enough to decide for what he want.
But, no. Instead, he didnt even have a gut to ask permission to meet me during his 2 weeks stay in same city this month (we do ldr since 6month ago due to his parent want him to join master degree school, which in my opinion is one of their effort to separate us)
His last sentence was : I care for you, but for now my concern is for my father’s health. If you wish to separate way with me, there is nothing i can do. I am sad to see you feeling tortured”
Seeing your final opinion has put me into joy. Now i know i want a man who can act for his life, not only following orders from parents. I believe that is not how we show respect to parents.
2.5years i put the power of my happiness on this family hand. I’m still struggling from the break up, but i can see that i’m on the right path.
Thank you once again Zan for this beautiful article. Thanks God i found it xx
Thank you for the comment, Mia.
Your ex chose not to fight for the relationship and prioritized his parents.
Heal and get over him so that you can find someone who will do everything in his power to be with you.
Kind regards,
Zan
Sooo Iâm in a weird situation. I know youâve mentioned mature age and stuff and Iâm only 16. Iâve been dating this girl for over a year now but my parents have had a strict control over it. I knew this from the start and kept the relationship a secret until they had found out about 3-4 months in. Since then, theyâve only really let us see each other when Iâm either at hers with her parents or sheâs at mine with my parents. Even with this physical distance, we always video call when we are free and have spent sooo many nights getting closer and closer to each other. Sheâs become such a major part of my life and she makes me so happy. Also, Her parents like me and I feel very welcome but Iâve alway felt like my parents have been hesitant over her. Recently, she came over to mine one last time before my holiday. We cuddled on the couch to watch some tv for a while. After she had left my mum began to shout at me and demanded to speak with me later with my dad. Now they are forcing me to break up with her. They said they didnât like how close we were and how we cuddled on the couch and how that may lead to things I would regret such a impregnating her. I was mad becuase I may be young but Iâm not stupid enough to do something like that. And to think that cuddling could lead to that is crazy. What we did was harmless and cute. They obviously donât trust us. They also said we were too young to even be dating and too young to be this close, which can be reasonable, but our âdatingâ is already entirely controlled by them. It has been a week since then, I still havenât told my partner, I donât want to upset her, and my parents just gave me an ultimatum to break up with her in the next 4 days.
I donât know that to do.
Theyâve always controlled my life. I have to give them every tiny detail about where Iâm going if Iâm not with them and they even ask for photos of myself with the people I said I would be with. They control small things even my haircuts, music taste, etc.
So I was contemplating just ignoring their control and doing whatever I want. Of course I wouldnât do anytning bad, just small things like leaving the house and only saying âhey mum Iâm going outâ and of course dating the girl I love.
Then of course I love my parents I donât want to harm them emotionally, but I really donât want to leave this girl.
Help.
I’m going through this right now, so glad I found your blog post, it’s comforting. His parents’ say is absolute, there’s nothing that can be done. And what you say is right, even if we manage to stay together, nothing we do would be enough and the relationship would just deteriorate. His parents are religious. I’m a Muslim myself, but I don’t wear hijab. They only saw my photo, didn’t even meet me, and immediately said they don’t like me and he shouldn’t be with me. It’s horrible. But before he could say anything, I broke it off because I felt very violated. I grew up in a religious family too, but my parents don’t judge people. So this was heartbreaking.
Hi Hannah.
Staying with him wouldn’t feel right as you’d always feel unwanted. So breaking it off was probably the right thing to do.
Stay strong,
Zan
I really need some advice. Iâve been with this guy for l love him and care a lot for him. We recently broke up because his family doesnât approve of our religious differences. When we got together we both knew that our differences wonât be easily accepted by either side of the family. My side of the family accepted our differences easily but his family told him if he chooses to go ahead with me heâd have to choose between his parents and me. I would hate to ever put him in such a situation. I love this man and in order for our relationship to be fully accepted by his family I was willing to convert to his religion. I didnât have an issue with it because my dads side of the family is Muslim but since I was raised by my mom only I was raised with her religion. His mother thinks that marrying a woman from a different religion is not good for the kids and she also doesnât like the idea of the lady converting for her kid. We both donât know what to do. I know he doesnât want to have to choose between me and his parents. For now weâve decided to end things and just be friends. I just donât know what to expect from here on, should I just move on or try to fix things ?
Hi Gi.
There’s nothing for you to change. Unless his parents become okay with you converting, things will likely remain the same. Or perhaps if your ex decides to elope and abandon his parents, then it might also work.
But whatever happens, your ex’s parents probably won’t be completely happy.
Kind regards,
Zan
my mom is constantly pressuring me to break up with my boyfriend .. she doesn’t approve of us travelling together too .. now I”m starting to resent her and my boyfriend who has done nothing wrong .. I have introduced him to my family once and that’s all.. they haven’t talked to him 1-1 yet .. now I’m in a dilemma whether to end things with my boyfriend cuz i feel that we both don’t deserve to suffer my mom toxic behaviour and words at the same time i want to run away with my boyfriend .. I’m in my late 20s..
Hi Ariel.
I can’t tell you what to do. But chances up it might lead to you having to decide between your mom and your boyfriend.
The best thing you can do is explain to your mom that your boyfriend makes you happy and that you need her approval.
A loving mother should support her daughter as long as she’s happy. This is something she needs to realize.
Best regards,
Zan
Hahaha me!!! Went through the same experience. Thanks! For this Zan
Hey Inaho.
Thanks for the comment!
It really doesn’t surprise me you find yourself in the same situation. I suppose it’s more common than we think. đ
Kind regards,
Zan