Updated on November 17, 2025
If your ex has hurt you badly and you’re searching the internet for answers on how to get revenge on your ex, you first need to know that taking revenge on an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend isn’t going to solve your problems and pain.
It might make you feel good for a little while because revenge will help you get even with your ex, but when the adrenaline rush wears off and guilt seeps in, your feelings of justice will most likely disappear and get replaced with regret.
You’ll regret hurting your ex because you’ll have dealt with the pain your ex has caused you and stop feeling the need to punish your ex for his or her abandonment or mistreatment. That’s when you’ll shift your focus to yourself and realize that you’ve hurt your ex just to make yourself feel better.
On top of that, you’ll also realize that you’re not any better than your ex. You can’t be better when you both hurt each other and make each other’s lives difficult. You especially aren’t any better than your ex if you deliberately hurt your ex when your ex hurt you indeliberately.
Deliberate revenge shows that you’re a reactive person (lack self-control) with an eye-for-an-eye mentality.
When you realize this and cool off, you’ll understand that you’re a vindictive, impulsive person who hurts exes and those who treat you badly or cause you pain. If you care about your own perception of yourself, you’ll without a doubt struggle to accept your behavior and forgive yourself.
Keep in mind that as long as you care about your morals and behavior, your immoral actions will define you. They’ll brand you as a vengeful person, which will stay with you for a very, very long time.
Most likely, until you’ve suffered for so long that you get fed up with self-blame and forgive yourself for taking revenge on your ex.
So, before you take revenge on an ex who used you, abused you, cheated on you, monkey-branched, ghosted, lied, or did something to hurt your feelings and pride, remember that you mustn’t react to your ex’s breach of love or trust and get back at your ex.
Remind yourself that your ex isn’t worth the trouble and that you won’t be able to justify your retaliation, no matter how hard you try.
If you calm down and learn a thing or two about relationships, breakups, and ways people act when they’re stressed, you’ll understand that your behavior had nothing to do with your ex’s decisions and behavior. Your self-control and understanding of justice were your responsibility.
I know that you didn’t deserve to get treated the way your ex treated you and that your ex should have been more patient, caring, or supportive. I also know that your ex should have communicated with you and looked for solutions to problems, instead of leaving in the way that he or she did.
But despite that, you shouldn’t stoop to your ex’s level (or even lower) and try to take revenge. Revenge is sweet only for a moment. Once you realize what you’ve done, it will turn bitter, forcing you to live the rest of your life with your actions.
It’s perfectly normal to want to hurt your ex. It’s especially normal to feel this strong need for vengeance if the breakup is fresh, your first breakup, one-sided, or if your ex showed you anything but care and respect. Most dumpees feel blindsided by the breakup and think their ex should have been more considerate and empathetic.
But keep in mind that if you take matters of justice into your own hands and simply react to your ex’s betrayal in an equally destructive way, you won’t let karma find its way to your ex.
You might, of course, teach your ex a powerful lesson to never again treat people the way that he or she treated you, but other than that, you won’t feel good about the lessons you tried to force on your ex.
Eventually (once you stop feeling the need for revenge), you’ll completely stop caring about teaching your ex valuable lessons and understand that your life isn’t about your ex.
It’s about you and the people who respect you and care about you. Wasting your time on exes who no longer matter is a waste of time, emotions, karma, and self-development.
This post is for people trying to learn how to get revenge on an ex in ways that hurt their ex and make them feel better about themselves.
Why do you feel the need to make your ex suffer?
Let’s start by stating the obvious; you’re not the only person who wants the dumper to suffer. There are millions of dumpees out there just like you who are going through a breakup they didn’t want. They had plans and hopes for the relationship and didn’t see the breakup coming.
Because they were invested in their ex and the future their ex promised them, they experienced an immense shock when their ex laid bad news on them. They suffered more than ever and had their self-esteem destroyed.
That means they found it difficult to see their value and love themselves. They thought their ex was the prize and that they weren’t good enough for him or her. It’s what the breakup does to emotionally invested dumpees. They’re not weak for getting hurt. They’re brave and strong for investing in a future with their partner and risking losing it all.
Due to the intense pain they’re feeling, they want their ex to feel how they feel and pay for breaking their heart and wasting their time.
They want their inconsiderate ex to get a taste of his or her own medicine and suffer for his or her wrongdoings. Of course, there’s a reason why they want to get back at their ex so badly.
That reason is that human beings have a natural urge to hurt back those who hurt us. By striking back, we stand up for ourselves and regain the lost power and self-importance that were taken away from us when our self-esteem took a hit.
Right after the breakup, we feel powerless and tend to blame ourselves for everything, including the things our ex was responsible for. But when we pick ourselves back up, we enter the anger stage of the breakup and regain enough strength to stand up for ourselves.
That’s when we become capable of doing something that we and our loved ones would be far from proud of. What we do or think about doing depends on our ex’s behavior, our values, and our ability to control difficult emotions. Impulse control is one of the main factors that determines whether we take revenge on an ex or let it go.
If you think about that for a minute, you should agree that people knowingly or unknowingly hurt an ex for 3 simple reasons.
- They feel victimized.
- They have a strong desire to control the situation they’ve lost control over.
- They have poor self-awareness, self-control, or moral values.
When we hurt our ex after the breakup, we get an instant sense of justice and empowerment. It can feel like we’ve regained control of our lives and our emotions.
The only problem with this feeling is that it wanes quickly, and that hurting a person back is a primitive, outdated instinct. It’s a craving rooted in early evolutionary behavior, back when our caveman ancestors spent their days in caves, throwing rocks at each other.
They couldn’t resolve things intelligently, so they hurt each other physically.
Surprisingly, people still do that today. But the point is that hurting someone else is completely unnecessary. It doesn’t accomplish anything because you’re not protecting yourself or anyone else from any real danger.
You’re just protecting your own ego and pride.
On that note, it’s safe to say that humans have outgrown the need for immediate impulsive responses. We now use the tools between our shoulders (our brains) to weigh our options rationally and make decisions based on what’s right, rather than what feels right.
We simply collect our thoughts and gather the strength to resist reacting to undesirable stimuli. Doing so adds to our value, whereas giving in takes it away.
As for those who lack the strength to control themselves and make impulsive decisions that harm others, they face the law. They encounter real justice and must, in one way or another, atone for their actions.
You could be one of those people if you choose to punish your ex by slashing your ex’s tires, threatening your ex and his or her family, and posting your ex’s pictures on revenge sites.
Such harmful actions won’t look good on your criminal record and could limit both your professional and personal life.
Today, society has a modern term for those who act and react impulsively. We simply call them immature. Google’s definition of this word is “not fully developed” and “having or showing an emotional or intellectual development appropriate to someone younger.”
So if you’re going through a difficult breakup and wish your ex would feel how you feel, remember that there’s absolutely no benefit in ruining your ex’s image or life (as well as yours) or doing something you’ll later regret.
You may feel like you’ve got nothing left to lose, but deep inside, you know that taking revenge on your ex isn’t the way to address your emotions. It’s wrong from a moral standpoint, and from every other standpoint, too.
So don’t do it. I’m sure you can think of better ways to make your ex regret losing you without making your ex regret ever dating you.
Dumpees with high ego and low self-esteem seek revenge
Shattered self-esteem, high ego, and inability to let go of control are often the reasons people seek revenge against the dumper. They think to themselves, “If I can’t be with my ex and if my ex won’t reciprocate my feelings, my ex doesn’t deserve to be happy and needs to suffer just like me.”
Such thoughts directly affect their ego and force them to make extremely low self-esteem decisions that often change their lives forever. They do something that ruins their ex’s newfound space and freedom and stops them from successfully controlling their impulses and growing as people.
If angry and vengeful dumpees realize they feel the desire to attack the dumper, not because of something the dumper did, but because they feel insecure, they’d never consider going out of their way to hurt the dumper.
They’d understand that their self-esteem took a toll because they had high hopes for the relationship and invested heavily in their partner and not enough in themselves.
Sadly, very few dumpees who hurt their dumper actually notice this and rewire their thinking/behavioral patterns. They’re too preoccupied with seeking revenge and “justice” to understand what’s tempting them to say and do hurtful things.
Some dumpees get so hurt after the breakup that they even contact their partner’s new girlfriend or boyfriend and “warn” that person about everything their ex is capable of.
They do this not just to protect the new person from danger, but also to break their ex up and feel some sense of power and control. They essentially desire recognition to the point that they look for a way to manipulate their ex-partner’s feelings—and in return, extort some reassuring feeling of power and self-worth.
Such dumpees are prepared to go to great lengths to bring their ex down—and by doing so, prove to themselves and others that they can influence their “cold-hearted” ex.
The truth is, they don’t prove their worth by putting their ex down. What they usually accomplish is the exact opposite. They show that they deserved to get dumped due to their lack of self-control, among other virtues.
This is why it’s safe to say that dumpees’ lack of control is often the reason behind their irrational behavior. It’s the motive behind taking revenge on an ex, arguing with an ex, and trying to negotiate a closure deal.
Angry and victimized dumpees seek revenge
Dumpees with low self-esteem and high ego, as well as those who lack purpose outside of the relationship, aren’t the only ones who suffer and seek revenge. Those who perceive their ex-partner as a malicious person also try to inflict pain and suffering.
That’s because they recognize their ex as a user, a liar, or a cheater—and wish to punish their ex for his or her betrayal. Normally, they choose the fastest, most direct approach that stings the most and instantly ruins their ex’s remaining respect for them.
With that said, here are some vengeful deeds dumpees do after the breakup:
- contact the dumper’s family/new partner and reveal the dumper’s behavior, weaknesses, or private matters
- start a smearing campaign on social media
- try to damage the dumper’s reputation at work
- refuse to return personal belongings
- put their ex down and try to make themselves look better
- damage their ex’s property
- interfere with their ex’s new relationship
Basically, angry, vindictive dumpees engage in activities that directly damage the dumper’s health, happiness, and image. By doing so, they attempt to bring a negative reaction out of their ex and feel better about themselves.
Their ultimate goal is to regain full control of the breakup and show their ex who’s boss.
How to get revenge on an ex who used you, hurt you, or disrespected you?
First, let’s make something clear. If your ex left you in the worst, most painful way possible, you won’t get revenge on your ex by saying or doing something that hurts your ex back.
You especially won’t get revenge by playing jealousy games, blocking your ex, or trying to manipulate your ex’s feelings with hurtful words and deeds. Your ex doesn’t have relationship goals and feelings to get hurt like you. Your ex is detached and expectationless and doesn’t feel threatened by you.
If you try to make your ex feel insecure, your plan will likely fail and backfire, as your ex will get annoyed and tempted to retaliate.
So forget about taking revenge on your ex directly.
You’ve probably heard this before, but the best revenge in life is success. And success doesn’t require you to prove how strong you are emotionally and physically, and brag about how great you’re doing without your ex.
All success requires you to focus on your shortcomings and ambitions—and work on them diligently.
Hard work, perseverance, and consistency are what it takes to become successful at just about anything in life, whether it’s education, work, sport, or hobbies. What you spend your energy and time on determines how good you become.
So don’t focus on the wrong things and look for quick solutions to make your ex’s life miserable. Your ex’s misery won’t make you feel better for long. If you have a decent conscience, you’ll regret it sooner or later. It’s not a matter of if, but when.
Always remember that weak people seek revenge. Strong, mature, and self-aware people, on the other hand, walk away from problematic people, process their unpleasant emotions, and improve their shortcomings.
A person’s shortcomings can be anything from poor education, an unfulfilling job, a small social circle, low confidence and low self-esteem, anger problems, poor communication skills, and anything that hurts, angers, or stresses people.
So if you’re unhappy with who you are and how much you were hurt after the breakup, don’t label your ex as a wicked person and pretend he or she is solely responsible for your pain.
Instead, acknowledge that you’re partly responsible for your emotions and take productive steps to improve your happiness.
Strive to become the best version of yourself and keep in mind that success isn’t defined by achievements—though your ex may only notice it when you accomplish something he or she respects.
Real success comes from within. Meaning, you’re successful by definition when you work toward something you really, really want for yourself.
I know you want your ex to notice your self-improvements and all the wealth, fame, and accomplishments you’ve achieved, but don’t forget that your ex likely won’t recognize your success until you have some tangible proof of it.
Most people judge success only by what they can see (it’s how they’ve been conditioned). So don’t worry about showing results too quickly. True results will come much later, when you’ve stopped thinking about taking revenge on your ex and have started truly enjoying your life again.
In the book Lead The Field, Earl Nightingale says, success is a progressive realization of a worthy ideal (goal). He implies that the journey (the pursuit of a goal) is what makes you successful because that’s when you’re the most engaged and the happiest.
The destination (the goal) is simply the point in time and space where you get to reap your rewards. Earl also says that people are happier (or more successful) when they’re busy moving toward their desires than they are after they’ve achieved them.
So rest assured that as long as you’re doing your best and striving toward reaching your goals, positive results (tangible success) will follow. It will materialize because the things you truly want in your life will find their way to you.
What you give is what you get.
So focus your energy on forgiving your ex for hurting you, and you’ll soon be able to let go despite all the pain he or she has caused. If you do this right, you’ll grow into a mature, non-vengeful person with strong self-control and high self-worth.
In other words, people’s immoral, disrespectful, rude, or mean actions won’t affect you so deeply that you take them personally and seek revenge.
The right way to get revenge on an ex
If you’re still wondering, “How to get revenge on your ex,” and want your ex to see you in a positive light, know that the best way to do that is to stop focusing on your ex and start focusing on yourself.
Once you’ve done that, you’ll let your ex know two things:
- That you don’t consider him or her worthy of your time and affection.
- That you put your loved ones, including yourself, first, and that you care about your happiness and success way more than your ex.
When you convey to your ex that your intention isn’t to hurt him or her but to do what’s best for you, your ex will likely start to realize you’re not a threat to his or her health and well-being.
And when your ex is certain that you’re not going to do something that could pressure, hurt, or anger him or her, your ex will likely drop his or her guard and become receptive to your growth, achievements, and happiness.
That’s when your ex will notice your accomplishments and start to envy your personal success. Having said that, here are five simple ways to get revenge on your ex for dumping you. These tips are important, so keep them in mind if you’re set on getting your revenge.
As you probably noticed, the points above have nothing to do with your ex. They’re all about you, which is why your ex could notice your commitment to moving on and prioritizing yourself.
If you center your life around your ex and argue with your ex, however, you’ll likely show that you’re not ready to move on and that your ex still has control over your thoughts, emotions, and actions. That will give your ex an advantage, because the one who controls your actions and reactions controls your heart.
Take revenge on your ex without actually taking revenge
If you want to take revenge on your ex, you’ve got to understand that the only virtuous way for you to do that is to let go of your grievances, forget about your space-deprived ex, and focus completely on yourself.
Focus on what you want from life and fall in love with yourself again. The moment you do, you won’t just show your ex that you’re worthy of love and respect. You’ll also show that you’re a strong, moral individual who finds life too short to stay bitter and angry at people who don’t deserve your time and energy.
Of course, your ex may not care too much about that at first because your ex broke up with you for a reason. He or she wanted space from you and focus on people or things that make him or her happy.
But when your ex faces personal difficulties, views you through rose-tinted glasses, and sees that you’re doing well, your ex’s perspective could change very quickly. Your ex could become envious of your success and start to wonder whether he or she held you back from reaching your full potential.
That’s when your ex will likely reach out to you and try to figure out how you accomplished so much without him or her.
And that, dear reader, is the right way to get revenge on your ex. Forget about taking revenge by saying or doing things that hurt your ex. Only weak and insecure people intentionally cause pain because they lack self-control and the ability to grow when the situation requires them to.
Such people stay vengeful and encourage others to take revenge on them.
Do you still wonder how to get back at your ex? Have you done something you’re not very proud of? Comment below and share your story.
And lastly, if you’d like to talk to us about how to get revenge on your ex in morally acceptable ways without hurting your ex, reach out to us by subscribing to coaching. Together, we’ll analyze your situation and devise an appropriate plan.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I understand your view On the subject But with all due respect, you’re wrong. I know for a fact because I have used your theory. I was a bigger person and I let it go.
Each time I did nothing In response to Her attack the next attack got worse and worse and worse.. So if I had done something about AB then BC wouldn’t have happened and if I’ve done something about BC then DE wouldn’t have happened so on and so forth. By doing nothing to take up for Myself Against her, I was just inviting more problems, worse each time.
Hi John.
Your ex must have been suffering from some kind of mental illness and wanted you to suffer as a result of her suffering. If it was that bad, you, of course, shouldn’t have tolerated it. At some point, you must tell a person enough is enough. And you must do that by getting the authorities involved.
I hope things are better now.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
All of the vengeful actions I did out of anger. She monkeybranched last july 15 2020 (her birthday) to a new workmate she just barely knew. I only caught her because of her cousin last september 28 2020. I got mad and frustrated. I tried not to lose my composure but still ended up doing those vengeful acts. We had a healthy relationship and nothing unhappily happened pre-break up. We’ve been apart 4 months prior her monkeybranched because of the corona virus. We’ve been together almost 7years.
JP
Hi Zan
I was gaslighted back in November of 2019. I believe it was happening for about 2 years when I heard what it was. For 2 months it was I don’t miss you to I do miss you. The final blow up was in January. She tried having a relationship w my mom back then until I put a stop to it. Too many coincidences have happened since then. A friend walking a pet down my street who lives 2 Development’s over. I tried sending my regards to make peace but no response. Then she reaches out to a childhood friend. When I called her out on her behavior I finally got a phone call. It was the same stuff. I was in the wrong and what I was thinking aaa behind the truth. I’ve been in a new relationship since March w a childhood friend I’ve admired for over 20 years. I believe that’s why she tried reaching out. I do believe I have a trauma bond w this woman from childhood experiences. The relationship was very toxic but the sex was great. Even when arguing the sex was always good. It seems as if every 6-8 weeks she’s on my mind and I get very angry. I’m also embarrassed. My gf understands but also has a hard time BC I have no ties w this woman bc we don’t have kids. For me I want revenge. In my GF eyes she said the best revenge is being happy. It’s hard for me to move passed the anger when people discard others In a fashion where they don’t exist. Blame everyone and never take responsibility. Discard family members. I’ve had a lot happen tbis last year as did most. I guess I hate seeing ppl get by and waiting to actually SEE karma. I know what I have in this relationship I’ve never had before. She’s a secure woman and I’m a better person bc of her. But for some reason the animosity is still there. I’m also curious if my ex will reach out again at some point. Parts of me want to bash her while the other side wants to be indifferent. Any suggestions????
.
Hi Zan,
I was wondering if I could ask for your thoughts on a current situation. My ex and I broke up two months ago because, in summary, he started seeing another girl that he at first informed me had feelings for him. He disregarded my feelings when I informed him multiple times that I was uncomfortable with it (he saw her 3 times in one week), and I broke up with him because I felt disrespected and unheard. However, I believe I acted out of anger/insecurity at the time and that I should have trusted him more as he insisted they were only friends (bit confusing as he had asked me to give him a hickey to make her jealous when we were together, which I didn’t do. I was also called a brick wall because I wasn’t seeing his side and that I turned the whole week into a nightmare).
Since that time, I have contacted him and seen him in person (one on one, where I apologised for my insecure behaviour and I also asked for a second chance – he believed I had been too controlling for asking him to stop seeing her so frequently/at her house when we were dating and that I should have trusted him more) and in group situations. I have also been checking in with him to make sure he is doing okay mentally because I know my insecure reaction hurt him, but I don’t want to take away his freedom or make healing harder for him so I have stopped.
My current situation is: there is an upcoming school ball that he has invited me to attend as his date because he didn’t want me to miss out on being with my friends on the night. I said yes and was flattered that he thought of me (the ball is on my 18th birthday). However, he had informed a mutual friend that he was going to ask the girl who was interested in him to the ball before he asked me. I’m now confused, and my friends have warned me that he could be playing us against each other, but I’m not so sure. I’m now wondering if he said that she liked him when we were together just to make me jealous? Am I being used or am I just insecure? I thought it was a lovely and respectful thing for him to do, especially because I know he doesn’t enjoy events with large crowds.
I should mention that there was also a group situation where he refused to sit next to me (even despite asking me to the ball) and made a friend move so that he wouldn’t sit in the only available spot that was next to me. It was a bit awkward, but I understand why he didn’t want to. He was also very extroverted that day, more than I have ever seen him before in the whole year we dated. He seemed so different, but I’m happy that he seems to be doing better.
What are your thoughts?
I understand that perhaps I was treated poorly and that I broke up with him because I felt neglected, as my friends have told me, however a part of me agrees that I was insecure and jealous (which I know I need address). The other part of me finds it unfair that I didn’t receive the same respect I gave him when he angrily asked that I stopped talking to a mutual friend, who is a guy, on social media (I only talked to him once and informed him about that same night). I stopped talking to that friend out of respect for him, but I’m just confused why I didn’t receive the same?
Anyway, despite the painful ending on both ends, I still wish the very best for him and I truly hope he is happy.
I was also wondering if I could make some suggestions for future articles? I think it would be really interesting to hear what your views on a partner seeing someone that could have romantic interest in them when he/she is in a committed relationship with their partner (even if they might just be friends)? Is it disrespectful, or is it just one partner lacking trust? There are so many contrasting opinions on it, especially on Quora where people argue that if you don’t trust your partner to see someone that might like them then you shouldn’t be with them, as well as being toxic to your partner for having insecurities and asking them to change their behaviour to help them feel more stable? Or perhaps an article on emotional cheating, whether it exists or whether it is just an excuse for a possessive/jealous partner? Perhaps what loyalty is in a relationship?
Thank you for all your work Zan – you are helping so many people. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your posts and advice.
I thought I might quickly add (sorry!) that I hadn’t been able to see him for months due to coronavirus and that I saw him for the first time in a while before he started seeing this girl. I only get to see him once a week and I usually initiated the hang outs because he had told me he doesn’t like making decisions. I feel like I may have been insecure due to a lack of effort from his side and also due to the little affection I had been receiving. I did ask him if everything was okay between us before this all happened, and he had said yes everything was fine. Has he emotionally disconnected from me for a while?
Update: he contacted me randomly in the middle of the night asking how I have been. I was asleep so I didn’t see it until the next day. We conversed, and he told me that he had been feeling so bad because this girl and him had apparently made out and cuddled. He was feeling guilty because he had promised me that they were only just friends when we were dating, but obviously his actions have proved otherwise now. He said “I’m sorry,” and I replied by telling him to give this girl the respect and loyalty she deserves, thanking him for his honesty and wishing him happiness. Did I do the right thing? What do his actions mean?
Go no contact with this guy, it’s obvious he’s just playing with your emotions and causing you suffering you don’t deserve. No contact will make you stronger and happier
He had double standards on what you should both do with friends of the opposite sex, and he sounds immature and naive in regards to the friendship-with-someone-who-has-feelings-for-you thing. I don’t think this is necessarily a case of unjustified insecurity. You saw what was going on and he did not make you feel secure.
As for all those comments you’ve mentioned on forums such as quora, I think the people saying those things likely haven’t found out about a cheating partner or themselves have ever considered changing their behaviour with the opposite sex for the comfort and security of their significant others. But at the heart of the matter, they usually end up being right about not being with that person, because your partner shouldn’t be doing things that make you feel uneasy about the relationship.
Ultimately, I think you dodged a bullet. You ask what his actions mean. I don’t think there is one thing you’ve said in your story that doesn’t demonstrate his selfishness… even his apology he tried to wake you in the middle of the night for. So my answer would be his selfishness.
I think you did the right thing in the end by being open and kind, and I also think you saved yourself from further heartache by speaking up for yourself in your discomfort and breaking up with him in the first place. It’s better to be on the same page with your partner in regards to friendships of the opposite sex.
Thank you Andrew and Carly for your advice – I truly appreciate it. I have been blaming myself and my insecurities for a very long time, but your wise words have reassured me that my reaction was not completely unreasonable. Thank you.
I am not sure whether I should go or if I am even going to the ball with him, however I really would like to go because it was coincidentally moved to my 18th birthday and I would love to spend it with my friends. He had previously invited me a few weeks ago so that I wouldn’t miss out on being with my friends (it is invite only), but now I’m not so sure if a) he’ll take me anymore and b) if it’s even a good idea. I’m also concerned that he might take this other girl like he had said to our mutual friend if I choose to not go, and that there might be a lot of tension on the night (my friends truly despise him and many of them will be there). Should I ask him about it?
Alice, for some reason I can’t reply to your last comment so I am leaving it here. You said that your recent discussion included you telling him to treat the new girl with respect and loyalty. If he is seeing her, I don’t think you will enjoy going to a ball with him, even if he is your only ticket to the event. If he is now seeing this other girl, you could view your going with him (if he’s your way into the ball) as you using him. Also, his refusal to sit next to you after asking you is not an indication of someone who is respecting you and considering your feelings.
My comment for you was a comment that I would likely leave for someone who is older, this guy is young and likely prone to making many more mistakes in the dating department. Very common. You sound like you’ve outgrown this type of behavior.
The good news is that though this feels like a gigantic event in your life (18th birthday), I’m not sure that there is truly a wrong answer here. You could ask him about it for clarity and end up going with him and realize during the event how the evening doesn’t fit your expectations (we can’t turn our love off that easily). It would, however, not be the end of the world.
Sometimes we make a few missteps to really know who we are and what we want. Always weigh out the potential risks for yourself. If you are dead-set on making the “mistake” of staying in contact with him, make sure you know the risks of such (including possible pregnancy, missing out on other opportunities, fracturing other relationships, annoying your friends, maybe temporary disappointment in yourself if you are left heartbroken anyhow…)
The key is finding a balance between protecting/standing up for yourself and being open/receptive in your life in general. You don’t want to let people use you, but you also don’t want to be an impenetrable brick wall to other possibilities and opportunities.
All this being said, I think time away from him would be best for you. He has a lot of learning to do and I don’t think you will enjoy the ride alongside him, which is why no contact would probably be the healthiest for you. Doesn’t have to be militant where you state you are in no contact and then ignore him and stomp away when you see him, but I believe you ceasing to reach out and invest any more energy into him (including fantasies) would give you more powerful and quicker healing.
I think you’d have a more positive birthday evening by not going and doing something else meaningful OR finding a different way to attend the ball without him.
A good way to handle this, as maybe you two haven’t discussed the ball and his invite is up in the air or there is confusion, is to reach out and say to him that you appreciate his invite but you kindly decline it. This way there is no uncertainty or ambiguity over it and you can put your energy into other things you care about.
Thank you for your wise words, Carly. I contacted him to ask if he was still taking me to the ball, and he said he is okay with it if I wanted to go. He also apologised again for breaking his promise and for lying to me, and for everything he caused me. I know how it feels to have hurt someone and to feel awful about it, and I wish someone would’ve forgiven me at the time, so I told him that I forgive him and to not do it to another person. I know that this probably was not the best decision and that I shouldn’t be excusing his behaviour as he did emotionally cheat on me, but I think it was important for me to say.
Personally, I think forgiveness means to let go of resentment/anger to someone that has wronged you, but to remain aware of the hurt they have caused you. I won’t let my forgiveness be my foolishness – I don’t want to put myself back in that same position again.
I think it’s interesting that when he first started dating he said the one thing he could not tolerate in a significant other was lying. I guess he didn’t uphold his own values in the end and that’s why he has been feeling so bad.
I wish there was more awareness about emotional cheating and its effects, because it is truly hurtful. It was especially hurtful that he blamed everything on me at first and I went through so much, such as weight loss, constant anxiety and shame, but I’m relieved to say that I’m getting better.
Thank you again for your advice, Carly. I will implement the no contact rule as much as possible and not reach out to him.
I thought I might add: I know it seems like I have made him out to be a terrible person, but that’s just not the truth. I believe we lacked a lot of communication and took each other for granted. I loved his morning and goodnight texts, how he always asked me how my day was and seeing him on the weekends was the highlight of my week. We were together for over a year and we have been through many ups and downs together. So, despite everything, I loved him very much (a part of me always will – he was and is my first love) and I wish him happiness.
Hi Alice.
You may have acted on your insecurities, but you had every right to ask your ex to stop seeing that girl so frequently. Guys just don’t understand that they’re responsible for making their girlfriend happy, anxiety-free. Many guys instead just say that the girl needs to trust them more and that she has to stop being so controlling.
I don’t think he intended to make you jealous when he said that another girl likes him. He was probably just being honest.
I appreciate your article suggestion. I’d like to tell you that friendship oftentimes turns into romantic feelings. People who refuse to distance themselves when they feel pulled toward their friend quite often end up cheating on their partner, so it’s not just about trusting your partner. Your partner also has to show respect to you and show you that he or she is 100% committed to you. As I mentioned earlier, guys often don’t understand what trust means. They get angry when they perceive that they aren’t being trusted when in reality, it’s them who aren’t respecting their partner. In my opinion, there should be a limit to how close your partner can be with a new friend. It’s okay if it’s a childhood friend or someone who’s been around for ages. But if it’s someone new, normal conversation can turn into flirting and soon, even cheating.
You’re very young, Alice, so don’t concern yourself with your ex too much. If your ex loved you, you leaving him should have hurt him and made him crave your attention. But since it didn’t, he most likely detached from you prior to that. I believe it’s because he knows he has other options.
You did the right thing when you thanked him for his honesty. By the looks of it, he has feelings for the girl. And that’s why he was able to painlessly disconnect from you.
I hope this helps.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for all your help, Zan. I appreciate your wise words and for the clarity you have given me. It hurts to know he was able to move on so easily and that our relationship didn’t mean quite as much to him, but I know deep down that this is for the best.
Thank you again,
Alice.
Hi Alice, I really hope it all will work out for you, you are obviously a person of value so if he can not sense that it’s his loss.
Thank you for your kind words, Andrew. I hope so too.
I believe I have flaws that I need to address, but luckily I have a whole lifetime ahead of me to work on them. 🙂
Wishing you well,
Alice
You’ll be okay, Alice.
Not everyone is meant to stay in our life. Some people merely stop by to teach us a lesson.
You have the whole life ahead of you, so learn what you can from your breakup and keep moving forward.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for all your knowledge Zan, I only discovered your blog this week and have read all the articles on breakups etc. Absolutely life changing for me, if only I knew then what I know now
Hi Andrew.
It’s never too late to start looking after yourself.
I’m glad I was able to help.
Best,
Zan
The problem is that some dumpers still get away with it. Especially if they’re a wealthy person who doesn’t need anyone else, has a property all paid for, is from a wealthy family and has a wide social circle from which to choose eligible men.
They’ll end up with a big Cartier rock, a house in the country and a flat in town and completely forget about the decent man who did everything they could for them, loved them with their whole heart and didn’t take revenge but instead built their own company (alone since the dumping a year ago) from scratch during the worst recession for over 150 years.
The success I have had is irrelevant to them. It’s small fry. They’ll never have problems. Not in the way that a normal woman would. They’d look at my success and laugh. “Oh. Well done. Good for him” they’ll giggle to themselves.
It won’t be revenge at all. The best revenge is for this woman to be miserable. To marry a gold digging cheat who takes her for her money, displeases her family and breaks her heart. But I can’t wish that on her, even after her coldness and utter selfishness.
Hi James.
Your ex may achieve tangible success and appear like a really good dating option to others, but deep inside, she’ll remain exactly the same. Her behavior is going to manifest the same kind of results as it did with you.
So even though she may be wealthy, she won’t really be happy. Not if she continuous to run after external happiness.
Best,
Zan
Hi zan,
I don’t necessarily want revenge on my ex. BUT I do feel like I let him get off way too easy. He shut the door and walked away from our relationship without even checking to see if I was dead or alive. He’s an extremely sensitive person, prone to depression, and often played the victim whenever I tried to bring up an issue in which I felt let down. When we last spoke I didn’t think it was the last time I’d ever hear or see him ever again. He told me he couldn’t do it anymore but that “it wasn’t goodbye” and that he just needed space. I agreed on the space and thought we needed a break and could reassess our feelings at a later time.
So I gave him what he wanted, space. A week went by and he started deleting photos of me on social media. I thought he wanted a reaction out of me because I didn’t reach out at all, I wanted him to come to me so I didn’t react to his deletion though it crushed my soul. Then 2 more weeks went by and nothing. No communication just constant and slow deletion of my existence. I figured I should send one message, that’s it, just so I can finally close the door and not hold out hope. So I did, I just asked if he’d be willing to have a conversation and give his clothes back. He responded quickly saying he’s not ready for that. We never saw each other or spoke again. I have been in no contact ever since and have held on to some sliver of hope I’d hear from him again even though he broke my heart and is not worthy of my love or time.
I’ve suffered so much and searched for every answer in the book as to why someone who claimed to have loved me so much could so easily shut the door on me forever. It didn’t make sense then and now 8 months later it still doesn’t. And I’m still trying to put the pieces together and heal. I guess I would just like Zan or anyone’s advice because I know I’ve been so strong and come a long long way but there are some moments where I feel like it’s day one. I still have this pain deep deep inside me that I feel every day. I think of him and the memories every day. I can’t seem to get them out. I think I’ve moved on, I know I have and I’ve proved to myself it’s possible which I’m proud of. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him and wish that he’d come crawling back so I could have my answers and kick him to the curb.
Lydia, I relate to your comment so much! I treated my ex so kindly even though he broke my heart and never talked to me again. Been over a year of no contact. Its been a struggle for me to completely move on but i promise you you’ll get to a point of acceptance. Anyone who can easily discard you despite their words (saying how much they loved you and how much you meant to them) is someone who you shouldnt be around. They have issues they need to work out, and shouldnt be saying those things frivolously. People who hurt others carelessly in that way are dangerous and are usually the ones who need introspection the most, but often dont do it
Hi Lydia, your feelings – and what you’ve been going through – sound so familiar. I’ve had a similar experience during the last year, after my 5-year relationship imploded. My ex had been cheating on me, lying, etc. For several months after, I both wanted/didn’t want to hear from her. But there was nothing. Because of the lack of communication, the biggest challenge has been (and continues to be) getting a sense of closure. I had to do that on my own, and have gradually arrived at a place where I can think about her and the relationship memories without strong resentment and hurt. I had quite a bit of anger that I had to work through. Zan has said in other articles that it’s crucial to the recovery process to let go of all reconciliation hope. That was/has been the toughest thing for me, but it’s also the most important. And time really is a great healer. Hang in there!
Hi Zan,
Thank you for another great article.
My ex-wife left me a year ago now. Although she broke my heart and I went through really difficult times after she left me, I never felt any anger towards her, just sadness.
What do you think that is ? Is it be because I love her too much ?
At least, not being angry at her prevented me from seeking revenge ! I simply let her go and never begged nor pleaded (I am too prideful for that).
Do you think that the way I behaved (letting her go and never contacting her again) might make her question her decision in the long run ?
Thanks again.
Rick
Hi Rick.
The more mature dumpees are and the less their exes hurt them and their self-esteem, the less mistreated and angry they feel.
I believe you’ve learned important lessons in life already and developed yourself enough not to retaliate with anger.
As for you not contacting your wife, the space you give her could make your wife regret her decision once she’s processed her built-up feelings for you. But don’t keep hoping because you need to keep moving forward, Rick.
It’s time for you to invest in yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan , your post came right in time after I had this thought in my mind just this morning. My ex left me 4 months ago over an insecure question that I needed his reassurance but didn’t wanna give. On the 3rd month he added new woman on his fb and unfriended me and also on IG. it was a hard pill to swallow bc I really wanted the rest to work but he didn’t and instead is now looking to pursuit of others. It felt like our 2.5 yr RS didn’t matter so I was sore and wanted to ‘warn’ the new woman. After reading your post I don’t find it necessary anymore. Thanks zan !
Hi Jade.
I’m sorry to hear that your ex treated you so poorly. He clearly lost love and respect for you, so make sure that you acknowledge him for his actions and remain strong.
The new woman will find out about his shortcomings sooner than later, so focus on your well-being and everything will turn out well.
Kind regards,
Zan
Best classic revenge is to always replace her shampoo by Nair before you leave her place!! Never fails 😈😈😂😂
Hi DK.
That’s one way to kill all hope for reconciliation. 😉
Best,
Zan
Another amazing article and so so true, my ex cheated on me 6 months ago with her married work colleague and left me I did struggle for a couple of months but the lockdown we all had to go through actually was the best thing to happen to me because it gave me no choice but to face what I was feeling and deal with it which I did and I’m actually really proud of myself as I used to be someone who would dwell and wallow but for some reason this time I said no and I haven’t been this happy within myself, the funny part about the whole situation is 2 weeks ago my ex told me she was pregnant by this married man who has dropped her like a hot potato so karma hit her faster than I ever thought it could but the most satisfying thing was when she told me my answer was congratulations are you happy which threw her sideways and the look on her face when I didn’t react like she thought I would, it’s never easy to let go and forgive but by doing so you empower yourself not them and taking that power away from them is the best revenge, nothing good comes from seeking retribution it only prolongs your own unhappiness I learnt that the hard way. Zan your blog has been the most enlightening thing I’ve ever read and it’s thanx to you and your words that have helped me become exactly who I want to be so I thank you
Hi Nik.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Your ex made a poor decision to cheat on you with a married person. She did this because she got attracted to him and didn’t know how to pull back in time.
If she understood that developing romantic feelings for another person was morally wrong, she wouldn’t have done that. But she probably adored the guy’s attention, so she decided to be selfish and demand more and more of his time.
Her behavior shows that she doesn’t care about how her poor actions affect others. She seems to follow her impulses and do what’s best for her. So in a way, bad things (karma) were going to catch up to her sooner than later. It was only a matter of time before the results of her recklessness paid off.
Nik, I’m thrilled to hear that you’re set on staying a good person. You’re definitely on the right path. Keep it up!
Zan
Will exes feel guilty if someday they realize that we didn’t seek revenge after they left and hurt us Zan?
Hi Sanders.
It’s not certain that dumpers will feel guilty, but they’ll only feel guilty if dumpees don’t seek revenge and do various things that make thems look bad.
Best regards,
Zan
When I found out months after my ex moved out that she cheated boy did I want to reach out and let her have it. I did some online counseling and kept a lid on my emotions and although the feelings of anger would boil up periodically eventually it subsided and I’m glad I didn’t do anything foolish. I’m glad I didn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing that she still had a grip on me.
Hi Trevor.
I know it wasn’t easy not to get back at your ex, but I’m glad you didn’t do something nasty. By keeping your emotions under control, you learned how to control your impulses better and improved yourself within.
Great job!
Zan
Such a motivational article and so on point. Okay we all want to get revenge for what the dumper did to us… but this is definitely best way to silently speak to them.
Thank you Zan as always ❤️
Hi Linda.
Thanks for the comment.
The best way to take revenge on an ex is to portray yourself in a positive light and move on by showing that you didn’t get affected by the breakup.
Zan
I couldn’t show him that I wasn,t devastated by the break up , because I was. I broke NC alter 5 weeks and told him that he was shit and some nasty things. It made me feel slightly better on that moment, but afterwards I felt worse. It also reinforced his negative perceptions of me. I thought of apologizing but didn’t. Oh well. I should work on not giving a shit anymore on what he thinks of me or anything else