Updated on October 30, 2025
The 5 stages of getting back together with an ex can’t be rushed or skipped. Both the dumpee and the dumper must go through the stages naturally so that they can get each other out of their systems and regain happiness, peace, and control of their lives.
The best way for them to do that is to simply distance themselves from each other and engage in much-needed self-reflection. This allows them to process the most painful breakup emotions, let go of the past, think about each other less, regain clarity, and understand what they truly want moving forward.
If they want each other, the person who gave up (the dumper) needs to contact the dumpee and apologize for making a rash decision. He or she needs to state the reasons for leaving the dumpee and present a reconciliation plan that rebuilds the foundation of the relationship and strengthens their bond as a couple.
By observing the dumper invest in the relationship with the dumpee, the dumpee can regain their lost post-breakup power and determine if the dumper’s reasons for coming back are acceptable, genuine, and worth the risk.
If they are, the dumpee can accept the dumper back on a trial period and put the dumper through a series of commitment and self-improvement tests. These tests would determine if the dumper loves and respects the dumpee, wants a serious relationship, and has the skills and willpower to stay committed through good and bad.
It’s important to note that the dumpee shouldn’t just accept an ex back on a whim. That would make it too easy for the dumper to return, and, in turn, tell the dumper that there’s no need to work on anything. The dumper would think it’s perfectly okay to stay the way he or she is and not make any personal changes or improvements.
Because of that, the new relationship wouldn’t be any different from the previous one. It would face the same problems and end once the couple gets out of the short infatuation phase and thinks, feels, and acts as before.
So if you’re in a rush to get back with your ex, take a step back and learn what dumpers and dumpees need to reconcile and stay together. Adopt the mindset that rushing reconciliation can stop the dumper from working on him/herself and may lead to another breakup when old issues resurface.
There’s no reason for the new relationship to succeed when a couple does nothing to grow within. The dumpee may have evolved, but as you may know, a relationship takes two to tango. One emotionally developed person can’t singlehandedly carry the weight of the relationship.
Both partners need to grow, take responsibility, and contribute equally to make the relationship stable and lasting. This can happen when the dumper engages in meaningful reflection, realizes his or her mistakes, and commits to fixing them.
Here are two essential things that must occur for an ex-couple to become equals in power, respect, and self-worth.
- The dumper must go through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper, discern the dumpee’s worth, fear losing the dumpee forever, and self-improve.
- The dumpee must go through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee, improve flaws and self-esteem, and regain his or her independence.
When both partners do the necessary self-work, they can come back together and treat each other with respect, understanding, and love. That’s how they can start a new relationship on healthy terms and give it a fair chance to succeed.
In this post, we’ll talk about the 5 stages of getting back together with an ex. Please note that some ex-couples go through them faster than others and that not all exes reconcile. Reconciliations’ success rate strongly depends on what experiences exes encounter and whether they learn and improve from them.
If they’re too stubborn, resentful, and unforgiving, they don’t improve at all. It’s impossible to do so when they blame each other for everything.
1)Separation
The first stage of getting back together with an ex is the most important one. During this stage, dumpers separate themselves from their partners and begin to feel immense relief. They feel as if their exes didn’t understand them, took them for granted, or made their life more complicated and painful than they expected it to be.
To prove how difficult the relationship was, they often go around telling others why the breakup had to happen and how relieved they are to finally breathe, focus on themselves, and do the things they’ve always wanted to do.
Their newfound freedom feels extremely liberating and strongly reassures them that they’ve made the right decision, that they can finally be free and who they want to be, and that it’s okay for them to be happy even though their exes are anxious, scared, and depressed.
It’s their life, so if they want to enjoy it to the fullest and not worry about their exes’ well-being, they’re allowed to do so. Their exes are in the past, so they can just focus on the present and future.
Dumpers are finally at peace and feel detached from their exes. In their mind, they can do anything that helps them distract themselves from the breakup and live life on their terms. They can even date other people and post them on social media.
Nothing and no one can blame them for putting themselves first and being happy. Not when they believe that the relationship trapped or hurt them and made them miserable.
Dumpees, on the other hand, feel anything but relief. They feel as if they’ve lost a piece of their identity and that they must take back control and do something to regain it. Their instincts tell them that the only way for them to be happy and whole again is to reunite with their exes and lean on them for mending their broken heart.
They don’t understand they’re in denial and that separation anxiety and shattered self-esteem are making them obsessed with their ex. They’re controlling their rational thinking and slowing down their healing.
If dumpees can understand that their strong attachment to their ex stems mostly from the heartbreak their ex caused, they can begin to calm down and regain control of their emotions. To do that, however, they must stay strong and realize that acting on impulse will only push their ex further away and make it much harder for reconciliation to happen.
In essence, both dumpees and dumpers need to spend some time away from each other. Dumpers should focus on processing negative associations and enjoying their sense of relief, while dumpees need to recover from the shock of the breakup and rebuild their self-esteem.
These steps are crucial because getting back together when couples crave opposite things is impossible. The dumpee can’t get back with the dumper if the dumper still craves attention, affection, and validation while the dumper needs space.
If the dumpee tries to reconcile on his or her terms, the dumper feels pressured and tempted to respond negatively.
2)Independence
During the independence stage of getting back together with an ex, dumpees and dumpers attempt to leave their old lives behind and engage in activities that distract them from the past.
While dumpers distract themselves by going out and dating, dumpees use their post-breakup time to focus on more productive activities.
They usually focus on spending more time with friends and family, talking about the breakup, improving themselves, exercising, and trying to regain their passion for life.
Positive activities and the pain from the breakup allow them to reflect on their mistakes, encourage them to improve their shortcomings, and help them become the best versions of themselves. This explains why dumpees often avoid making similar mistakes and become better romantic partners.
Conversely, dumpers are glad that their relationship ended and that they aren’t in pain. They normally focus on having fun and moving on from the past, which is why they make very few (if any) positive changes. They just don’t feel the need to reflect and improve themselves because they don’t think they did anything wrong.
Even if, by some chance, they recognize their mistakes, they’re usually so exhausted from the breakup that they don’t care. It’s hard to care when all they want is to rest and stop thinking about the past.
In the independence stage of getting back together with an ex, most dumpers follow their gut instincts and focus on short-term external happiness and validation.
They focus on cutting off the past and appear selfish and inconsiderate of their dumpees’ needs and feelings. In their minds, they don’t think they’re selfish. They think they’re brave because they finally ended an unfulfilling relationship.
What dumpers don’t realize at this point is that their ex isn’t a bad person and that he or she isn’t more responsible for the breakup than they are. Sure, dumpees made mistakes, but they can’t take all the blame unless they betrayed dumpers through cheating, serious lying, or manipulation.
Such impulsive, selfish actions indicate that dumpers needed to leave the dumpee to preserve their dignity and distance themselves from someone who doesn’t value them and the relationship.
Most dumpees, however, aren’t bad people. Dumpers often perceive their exes that way because they lose patience and attribute many negative qualities to the dumpees.
The worse they think of them and the less prepared they are to take accountability, the smaller the chance that they’ll one day stop thinking negatively of their exes and redevelop romantic feelings.
3)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpees crawl out of depression and begin to enjoy their lives again. They no longer need their ex to function and can finally think about other people and things.
They still value their ex and reminisce about him or her, of course, but they no longer put the dumper before themselves and do everything in their power to please him or her. Not after they’ve spent months crying over their ex and putting themselves down.
Because they feel stronger, they gradually take their rose-colored glasses off and start seeing their ex’s true colors.
In the neutrality stage of the breakup, dumpers stop feeling extremely elated and relieved. They revert to the people they used to be prior to the breakup and continue to engage in hobbies they picked up during the separation and independence stage.
Dumpers may still hold subconscious grudges against their dumpee, but these are usually not noticeable unless the dumpee makes common post-breakup mistakes and overwhelms or annoys the dumper.
If the dumpee stays in indefinite no contact and leaves the dumper alone, the dumper naturally stops feeling the need for space and begins to relax. The dumper lets go of built-up frustration and feels neutral about his or her ex.
For that to happen, though, the dumper usually needs months of space to cool off and process the breakup. Sometimes the dumper needs even longer. This depends on how the relationship ended, how the dumpee acts during and after the breakup, and the dumper’s coping mechanisms and emotional health.
This is why the 30-day no contact rule and other promising breakup techniques seldom positively affect the dumper. While the dumper is angry, cold, or unreceptive, nothing the dumpee does can change the outcome of the breakup.
All the dumpee can do is wait and “hope” that the dumper is mature and self-aware enough to acknowledge his or her mistakes and let go of the past. The dumper must usually get hurt because pain is oftentimes the only thing that can open the dumper’s eyes and make him or her come running back for familiarity, support, and comfort.
4)Moving on
The next stage of getting back together with an ex is the moving on stage. This stage is crucial because both the dumpee and the dumper need to move on for the post-breakup power dynamic to rebalance between them.
If it’s not equally distributed and the dumper stays in complete control of the breakup, reconciliation usually doesn’t happen or last very long. That’s because the dumpee fails to exude confidence and present him/herself as an equal partner.
That’s why moving on is essential. If the dumpee continues to idolize the dumper and refuses to kick him or her off the pedestal—the dynamics of the new relationship can’t go back to normal. They remain imbalanced and unhealthy, and as a result, prevent the dumper from falling in love again.
Imbalanced dynamics often cause the dumper to develop GIGS: the grass is greener syndrome, and make him or her take the dumpee for granted again.
That’s when another breakup occurs and convinces the dumper that breaking up is good for his or her well-being. I can’t stress this enough. It’s absolutely essential for dumpees to take control of the breakup, invest in themselves, and rediscover their purpose in life.
By doing so, they can continue to move on with their lives and become as attractive as they can be.
Dumpers, on the other hand, also need to focus on moving on. Technically, they’ve already moved on even before the breakup. But after the official end of the relationship, they need to forget about their exes for a while and enjoy their independence. They mustn’t be bothered by their exes because if they are, they often feel guilty, smothered, and disrespected.
5)Inducement
The last stage of getting back with an ex is the inducement stage. In this stage, dumpees become completely independent and find joy in life again. They become happy with who they are and take pride in where their lives are going.
Due to their renewed passion for life, they no longer admire their ex and feel obsessively attached. They are free from unhealthy attachments and look forward to new beginnings.
Dumpers, however, aren’t that optimistic. They continue to go through the grass is greener syndrome stages and eventually, encounter personal issues bigger than they can handle. That’s when they get a grip on reality and realize that life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows as they once imagined it to be.
Since they skipped the personal improvement phase and focused on all the wrong things, a lot of dumpers get into trouble, stop feeling relieved, and lose their personal power.
They often become anxious, sad, or depressed and start to think about people who can help them deal with their unfortunate situation. After some thinking, they realize that the person capable of helping them is their dumpee.
They remember that their dumpee went through the stages of a breakup and that he or she remained strong during one of the most difficult times of his or her life.
That’s when the breakup flips on the dumper, making the dumpee suddenly appear very strong, independent, and attractive. The dumpee becomes the dumper’s savior – a reliable backup option that can help him or her heal and feel valued.
That said, here’s a recap of the reconciliation stages that dumpees and dumpers go through.
Did you enjoy reading about the five stages of getting back together with an ex? Have you noticed you or your ex going through any of these stages? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
And if you’d like to talk about these stages with us privately, sign up for a coaching session with us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
me and my ex broke up january 2025, buti keep on resurfacing and keep on messaging her almost whole year, but there were months i did no contact like almost 3mos, then she reconnected around november, but she started fading again middlenof december, she only clear things up in january when i asked her our status, she dont wanna commit again but after she led me on, i sent her my last message and now we’re strangers again, its been 2 wks when i blocked her everywhere, she’s the dumper
These posts have helped me so much.
Here is my story, My girlfriend of 6 years recently told me she loves me but only as a friend, that She cared about me so much and wants me to be in her life. Keep in mind, we are both women. My world was crushed. It have been about a month and a half since the break up. We recently bought a house together a year ago and had future plans together. Our relationship was built on friendship, there was no cheating, arguing, or disrespect involved in our relationship. Looking back at it now, I can see this past year was so stressful that we stopped watering our “love fern”. We stopped doing sweet things for each other, stopped going on dates, and stopped being intimate. When she left me she cried and felt so guilty. I have made a few post break mistakes, tried reaching out, met up, and broke no contact. This week I have decided to give it my all for myself but also in the attempt to give her the space she needs. In my eyes I can see where we neglected things and are things we can definitely work on. She Just doesn’t see it “right now”. I miss her one day and the next day I feel motivated and hopeful that she will realize the potential we have. I just feel like we both took each other for granted and got too comfortable. Our day to day become too boring.
Any advice or positive words on moving forward or letting go?
Hi May.
You and your ex both neglected the relationship. You both took each other for granted and lacked the self-awareness to grow the bond. But so far, you’re the only one who’s realized that. And that’s because you’re in a lot of pain. Your ex, on the other hand, isn’t hurting. She’s probably moving forward because doing so makes her feel better.
My advice is to wait for her to realize she was responsible for the end of the relationship as well. It could take a while, but you need to give her the freedom to realize this on her own. Try not to reach out anymore and focus on other parts of your life that need improving. Your ex will do the same when she encounters difficulties and starts hurting the way you’re hurting.
Kind regards,
Zan
I just read your story. My ex went cold too.
Did he ever get back in contact with you?
I hope time healed things for you anyway
Hi Zan
Could you tell me if you think my ex and I will reconcile based on the story I’m about to tell you? Here goes. I’m a 42yo gay man looking for love. I thought I found him in a 36-year-old guy back in May around my birthday. If you need descriptions I’m Mexican he was black.
It started out really good almost like a fairytale we connected so well. He was from the midwest and had that charm and at times his midwest accent.
He checked off all the boxes for me. He was good looking, nice smile, good job, made money, had a car. He could cook too. I thought we connected really well because we were both ethnic. It was refreshing. But besides all that I loved his little cute traits about him. I liked how he fell asleep early on me. I like how relaxed he was around me I like to how engaging he was with me I liked how he would send me little text messages that he was thinking about me and I would do the same.
I met his friends he met my friends. It was instant love or attraction or we were just so infatuated with each other. Our friends approved of the union. Everything was amazing we were such a great couple but of course I wouldn’t be posting here if we were still together
He held off sex for over a month because he wanted to know or be sure that what we were doing was real. We took a trip to Palm Springs and finally had sex. I can’t remember at one point, But I think by then we were officially boyfriends.
The months went by, I got comfortable I thought this was my man this was my long-term this was my next, this was my relationship and that it was going to go to the next level. What I didn’t know was that it was crumbling and I did have a hand in it.
It started going downhill because do you know how when you watch a television sitcom starting a couple where they bicker back-and-forth and there’s a laugh track? Well unfortunately I would do that to him in front of his friends and my friends. I don’t know what came over me but for some reason I would pick little fights with him in front of our friends either mine or his and at times it grew awkward, I knew this was wrong but I did it anyway. At one point he had a talk with me and said hey if we ever have a disagreement or somethings wrong just save it for when it’s just the two of us and we’ll talk about it.
I was extremely apologetic I knew exactly what I did I knew my actions were wrong and I felt shame and embarrassment I don’t know what came over me I wish I hadn’t done that I just don’t understand, I blame alcohol and I blame myself because I did used to act like that almost 18 years ago with another boyfriend it was like an old version of me just came out of nowhere.
Come early November I got into an argument with him on the phone, I thought he wasn’t paying attention to me or he just didn’t care to talk to me that Friday night. He said he had to call me back I said OK and then I sent a mean text saying OK well I guess you didn’t want to talk to me tonight again another example of me being too comfortable and disrespecting a good man. He called me back and said is there a problem and I said yes there’s a problem I wanted to talk to you about your day and how you are doing And you just disregarded my phone calls and my texts, he then gets an attitude and says how about when you drop your attitude you can give me a call back and I said I think that’s a great idea.
I don’t call him the rest of the evening that Friday night come Saturday morning afternoon I sent him a text and I tell him OK I’m ready to chat now about four hours later he sent me a text I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk and that’s when it started going downhill from there.
He ignores my calls and texts for three days, I am beside myself with anguish anxiety I’m hurting not hearing from him I already feel disconnected this was my man my partner who’s ignoring me now who I talk to every day. We made plans every day or plans for the weekend or he would sleep over this was my boyfriend and he disappeared for three days.
He comes around by Tuesday and get me on the phone by then I’m so distraught in frantic in beside myself it was a gigantic relief To finally talk to him on the phone. He brings up the issue again of my disrespect and he tells me look I even made a personal decision not to bring you around my friends anymore because I was afraid of how you were going to act. And I apologized again and I said I’m so sorry I would never do that again you just have to show me or give me a chance to prove to you I won’t do that again and I’m sorry about how rude I was on that phone call Friday night I was out of line I’m really sorry.
That November we both ended up getting new apartments on our own. We both work full-time jobs and were moving at the same time. I could tell he still being distant he’s not himself anymore. And I was stuck for November I was stuck because I was managing a full-time job and moving my belongings to my new place by December I could feel him pulling away I could feel him becoming distant we weren’t the same he wasn’t communicating with me and he was busy himself with his full-time job and moving his belongings as well coincidentally we moved to the same neighborhood he does not live far away from me.
Late November a friend from out of town helped me move my large furniture the last remaining pieces from my apartment to the new apartment. Before he arrives in town I contact my boyfriend and I said look things are weird I don’t understand where we are and now my friend is coming and how am I supposed to act when you were being so distant. At that point in time he tells me you don’t have to tell your friend anything we can act normal just like everything is fine.
That was the beginning of being held emotionally hostage by him. My friend gets into town he helps me move and he also helps him move and we are pretending boyfriends in front of his eyes. Again I feel her pain loss and anguish as we have this fake love you relationship in front of my friend while we move our things to our new places.
The weekend is over my friend goes back to his town and my boyfriend finish is moving to his apartment and I finished moving into mine. Come early December I request to have a conversation with him and he obliges he comes over and I sit him down And we had said earlier in text or I had said it’s time that we clear the air and he said in text message I agree with you let’s clear the air tonight.
I dreaded him coming over because I knew he was gonna break up with me or so I thought. So when he came over that early December and we were all done with all that heavy lifting and moving November, we were both finally settling into our new apartments. I had a talk with him, I said I think I know what you’re gonna say but please let me go ahead first and hear me out. I pretty much pleaded for a second chance at our relationship. I told him I loved him and how much I saw in him As a partner best friend long-term commitment, he was my man he was the one for me and I said please don’t throw this away give us a second chance and let me show you I can do right. He said he normally doesn’t do this but he will give me a second chance and that we can’t have that issue with me disrespecting him happen again mind you if you are still reading this we haven’t seen his friends all of November because we were stuck moving and I wasn’t seeing my friends either.
The month of December was weird as fuck with him. He no longer regarded me as a boyfriend, our state and city went into lockdown, so there was no going out no going to a restaurant or a club everyone was stuck at home.
And like I said he treated me like a friend. We would have dinner at his place or my place and he would sit on the other end of the couch and not touch me not cuddle me. When we were talk and text message he removed the affectionate element. It was like he’s surgically removed the boyfriend part of our relationship and devalued it into just friendly exchanges. Inside during the whole month of December I’m dying because I missing the man he used to be my real full-time boyfriend instead he is vague version of himself. He didn’t even sleep over anymore like he used to or asked me to come sleep over at his house. Occasionally he would throw me a bone and was somewhat affectionate to me but it was very rare and it would give me hope. I would call it crumbs of affection.
Christmas Eve fast approaches he tells me he’s going back home to Wisconsin to be with his family for the holidays and tells me let’s not get each other gifts because we’re supposed to go on vacation to Mexico next year. I get him a gift I also get him a Christmas card. My handwriting is terrible so I had my female coworker come over one day and she wrote all my thoughts down and put it into the Christmas card. I put my heart and soul into the Christmas card I put everything I felt about him in the card. I mention us making it work, How much I want this to work how much I love him how much I feel he was the best thing that ever happened to me in 2020 and I love them I did all that and I got him Christmas gifts.
The day before Christmas Eve when he received some of his gifts and the card he opened up a little bit he warmed up a little bit more he was almost like my old boyfriend again but he was still distant. The evening ends I say goodbye to him and he kisses me goodbye and he goes off to Wisconsin.
Before he left I purchased an Apple Watch to get him along with the Christmas card that I put my heart and soul into. My thinking was if I could just show a strong enough gesture to this man how much I miss him and how much I want to make it work it would bring him back to the man he used to be when we first met. Mind you during the month of December he didn’t bring me around his friends anymore, just because everything was closed down doesn’t mean his friends weren’t having small house parties and my friends were doing the same and he wouldn’t join me either. It was like I was a secret boyfriend or a dirty secret he kept while we just played house and hung out one on one. My friends would ask me how my boyfriend was doing and I would reply yes we’re doing great we just had dinner last night but I would leave out the part that he’s been acting weird as fuck and not himself anymore. Like I said I was being held emotionally hostage because he wasn’t being himself anymore he was just checked out every time we hung out.
Back to the Apple Watch I purchased the Apple Watch about two weeks before Christmas Eve because our ex president nerfed the postal system for his own political failed game The Apple Watch doesn’t make it in time for me to give it to him before he left home for the holidays.
He was gone with his family for I’m gonna say it felt like 3+ weeks and during that time he was even more distant. He would ignore my affection to text messages and respond distant and cold. I would say upfront I miss you and he would respond how are you doing how is your cat? It wasn’t until when he was about to fly back when I texted him again I missed him that he finally said I miss you too but it took him hours to reply and it just felt forced.
He gets back from Wisconsin and as you know the CDC travel guidelines changed and so our Mexico plans got changed. I tell him your real Christmas gift is here and I’m excited to give it to you can you come over tonight and he says of course.
He comes over and he says we have to talk about Mexico and I said we do have to talk but here’s your Christmas gift and I gave them the Apple Watch he surprised and he’s like why are you giving this to me and I said because I care and I love you and I want you to have this and I really wanted you to have this before you went back to visit your family because things have still been weird between us and we have to talk so Merry belated Christmas and let’s talk talk.
I point out that he’s been weird these last two months, I tell him that I notice How he has been acting, I tell him he still not the same man I used to know when we first started dating. But I never asked him why I never asked him why are you doing this. I never asked him how come you were treating me this way why are you acting like this and I wish I had because maybe he would’ve come clean and told me his truth.
I told him I can’t travel with you to Mexico or a trip or anything like that with the way you’re acting towards me something isn’t right you’re acting odd you’re being so distant. He’s someone comes clean and says I’m sorry I may have took it a little bit to the extreme. He also makes a small subtle comment you know I would’ve left me a long time ago. I come back with I’m not giving up on you that’s the thing I don’t want to give up. Remember this is january and he just got back from Wisconsin.
We finish up our talk he takes the Apple Watch And says I have a lot to think about and process but how about we get together Friday. Friday comes I go to his house and it’s like he took some of my feedback and actually improved. The evening was better than it had been for several months. He made drinks, He brought out his weed, he stayed up for the movie and TV shows we watched. He talked with me he engaged even cuddled me. The evening started to end I get up to leave and I ask him so what are we doing? He starts yawning and leans on me and says it’s late let’s talk about it another day.
That was a Friday night the weekend goes by I don’t hear from him, the work week comes and he flakes the entire week to meet up again. He would promise to meet up Monday and then not text me at all Monday night then he would say he’s sick Tuesday and cancel Tuesday night then he had the same flake or excuse to cancel Wednesday and Thursday meet ups.
Friday night rolls around and he instructs me to call him. Can you call me at seven? And of course I call him. I get him on the phone I sent him a text message of us having a conversation when we first met. I showed him the love we used to have and I’m crying on the phone. I’m saying how did we get here? how did it come to this? how did it come to you being so distant? and there’s no more love between us what happened? I also tell him you really never gave me a true second chance, you never brought me around your friends to let me show you that I would never disrespect you in front of your friends again and you wouldn’t join me with my friends. All we did was play house were you fell asleep super early and left my apartment and barely kiss me goodbye. We never had a real second chance to try things out. He comes clean again more or less. He apologizes he says I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole to you I was an asshole I’m sorry. He said he didn’t mean to hurt me, I tell him then this is it this is the goodbye and then he stops me and says no let’s talk about this Sunday how about we meet Sunday and I said Ok. He brings up the Apple Watch and whether or not I want money or to give it back to me I don’t respond to that but I do confirm meeting him on Sunday
Sunday comes and I text him early afternoon to confirm that we are meeting. He text me yes we’re going to meet are you going to be OK today? And I said of course I’m going to be OK he then proceeds to text me questions about the Apple Watch. Do you want money or do you want me to give it back to you? If you want money I can give it to you by the end of next week. I told him how about we discuss this in person I thought we were meeting today to say goodbye. He text me back no the purpose of today was to talk about the watch and this isn’t “the good bye”
Again I stress the importance of meeting in person and having our conversation and that’s when he flakes the rest of Sunday night and doesn’t return my texts.
I wake up Monday morning, if you’re still reading this you can imagine how distraught I have been over the course of two months trying to make it work with a man who’s been checked out the entire time and I never asked him why he behaved like this. I write down my thoughts for the break up and I break up with him via iPhone voice notes. In the notes I tell him I’ve exhausted all my attempts to try to reconcile this relationship. I also say hey I want you to keep the Apple Watch that’s a gift from me to you because I love you I don’t want your money. I also say goodbye and thank you for being a part of my life and that I love him basically I broke up with him over the phone via voice message.
The week proceeds I don’t hear from him again I’m already having buyers remorse I don’t know if I did the right thing. My friends said you met your limit you had to draw a line in the sand and you did.
The weekend comes I still haven’t heard from him and I go out Sunday night I ran into some of his friends but I was already a little bit drunk. I know I did ask his friends some questions about him I’m pretty sure of it I know I wasn’t too hysterical or I wasn’t hysterical at all but I do know that I asked about him I know I didn’t say anything negative but I do know from what I can remember I stress how much I try to make it work and how much I miss him remember that was Sunday evening.
Monday morning comes I already regret the previous night and I still miss him and I still haven’t heard from him a week ago when I sent the break up voice messages.
The day goes by still haven’t Heard from him, I am talking to my friends my makeshift support group that I have built over the course of these two months trying to figure him out they all tell me that If I still feel strongly in a few weeks give it a few more weeks give him some space reach out to him again and see how he feels.
Monday evening comes, I go to bed with a plan in my head to contact him again after a couple weeks. Maybe no contact will have him miss me maybe he will miss me, Maybe this can get us back on track. 11:30 PM rolls around my phone is next to me on the nightstand and I get Venmo notifications. My ex-boyfriend sent me money for the Apple Watch. No note no message no goodbye no communication nothing just a large sum of money equal to the cost of an Apple Watch.
I break no contact, I sent him a text I tell him did you get my voice messages? I told you that Apple Watch was a gift I don’t want your money. I also say I’ve been doing some thinking and I was thinking with my brain and not my heart my brain said to draw a line in the sand and move on but my heart says otherwise and I want to follow my heart I miss you can we please have a conversation?
He never responds, it’s Tuesday almost 24 hours since I sent that text. All my friends my support group tell me it’s done move on and don’t ever text him again the guy is trash, its a piece of shit move to do that to somebody. You need to take care of yourself now forget him because he’s forgotten you.
I’m not sure why am posting the story on here my heart is broken it feels somewhat cathartic to just put everything that happened into words and post it out there into the Internet. I’ve cried all these weeks and I cried when he was gone back in Wisconsin because i missed the way were in the beginning. If you’re still reading this you can tell that I basically never got a true answer from him I never got a formal break up I never got this isn’t working from him I never got closure when I did get was him being distant and only 50% of him when he was around those two months.
I don’t understand this, I’ve been in past relationships where the other half clearly would tell me to my face it’s over we cant make this work anymore. I’ve never been broken up like this before. I feel like I was manipulated to do the break up, I cracked,I couldn’t handle the flaking, I couldn’t handle the complacency I couldn’t handle him being distant anymore. I miss him still but I don’t think I’m going to be one of these other redditors and post a year later that i still feel the same. I’m 42 years old and I’m scared that I’m not gonna find love I’m getting close to 50 I worry that no one’s gonna want me because I’m too old. I really thought he was the one I want him to be the one I still miss him but I also know better than to contact him again, I mean I sent him a text as soon as I got the Venmo payments practically pleading for a conversation and he still hasn’t responded that says enough in itself.
That’s my story. Does anyone have any advice, thoughts comments or has anyone else gone through something like this?
Hi Zan,
You are amazing. Thank you for everything you do. I will try to summarize my question.
My GF and I dated for 4 years. I cheated on her a couple of months ago and felt obviously horrible and regretful about it immediately. I started having professional therapy for some time and determined it was best for me to tell my girlfriend. Before I told her, I said I thought it was best for us to stop dating and that I wanted to be friends. She was very hurt to find this out and asked some questions which I don’t feel I was very thought out in answering at that time, such as is this why we couldn’t get married, is this why you’ve been running. I’ve had a few weeks to think now and made a lot more sense of myself, we haven’t spoken for about 11 days. Am I the dumper in this situation or the dumpee? I realize I didn’t really want to end the relationship, I just thought it would be better for her to not have to see me to process this. I know we love each other very much and I am extremely hurt that I did this.
Should I be reaching out to reconcile and make clear the thoughts I mistook before? Should I be giving her space and working on myself until she contacts me?
Thanks for your help
Jack
Hi Jack
Well this is a weird situation because you broke it off. However I feel she may have ended it with you anyway as you cheated on her. Although you said you were the one who decided to break it off and it is your job to reconcile if that is what you want.
Gman
You love someone, but cheated on them. That is not love. That is betrayal.