The 5 stages of getting back together with an ex can’t be cheated. Both the dumpee and the dumper need to go through them so they can get each other out of their systems and regain happiness, peace, and control of their lives.
The best way for them to do that is to distance themselves from each other and engage in introspection. This is how they can process the most harmful breakup emotions, think less about each other, regain their rationality, and discern what they want out of the breakup.
If it’s each other they want, the person who gave up (the dumper) would need to contact the dumpee and apologize for making a rash decision. He or she would need to state the reasons for leaving the dumpee and propose a reconciliation plan that would rebuild the foundation of the new relationship and bring them closer as a couple.
By seeing the dumper invest in the dumpee as well as the relationship, the dumpee would be able to regain the lost post-breakup power and have an important decision to make. The dumpee would have to figure out if the dumper’s reasons for coming back are acceptable, genuine, and worth the trouble.
If they are, the dumpee could accept the dumper back on a trial period and put the dumper through a series of commitment and self-improvement tests. These tests would determine if the dumper loves and respects the dumpee, wants a serious relationship, and has the skills and willpower to maintain it.
It’s important to note that the dumpee shouldn’t just accept an ex back on a whim because that would make it too easy for the dumper. It’d tell the dumper there’s no need to work on anything and that it’s perfectly okay to stay the way he or she is.
So if you’re in a rush to get back with your ex, take a step back and learn what dumpers and dumpees need to reconcile and stay together. Learn that rushing reconciliations can prevent the dumper from working on himself or herself and that it could cause another breakup when old issues resurface.
Here are two essential things that need to happen so that an ex-couple can be equals in terms of power, respect, and worth.
- The dumper must go through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumper and discern the dumpee’s worth.
- The dumpee must go through the 5 stages of a breakup for the dumpee, strengthen self-esteem, and regain his or her independence.
In this post, we’ll talk about the 5 stages of getting back together with an ex. Please note that some ex-couples go through them faster than others and that not all ex-couples reconcile. Reconciliations strongly depend on what kind of enlightening experiences they encounter and how much they reflect on them.
1)Separation
The first stage of getting back together with an ex is the most important one. During this stage, dumpers separate themselves from their partners and begin to feel immense relief. They feel as if their ex-partners didn’t understand them, took them for granted, or made their life more complicated and painful than they expected it to be.
To prove how difficult they had it with their ex, they often go around telling people why the breakup needed to occur and how happy they are they can finally breathe, focus on themselves, and do the things they’ve always wanted to do.
Their newfound freedom feels extremely liberating. It gives them a strong feeling that they’ve made the right decision, that they can finally be who they want to be, and that it’s okay to be happy even without the person they disappointed and hurt.
It’s their life, so if they want to, they can sit at home all day and not have to worry about reaching their exes’ expectations. Their exes are in the past, so they can just focus on the present and future.
The reason for that is that dumpers are finally at peace. They feel detached from their exes, so they can do anything that helps them distract themselves from the breakup. Nothing’s holding them back from putting themselves first.
Not when they finally decided to be happy.
Dumpees, on the other hand, feel anything but peace. They feel as if they’ve lost a piece of their identity and think that they must do anything to get it back. Their instincts tell them that the only way for them to be whole again is to reunite with their ex-partners and patch their wounds.
But little do they know that they’re in denial and that separation anxiety and shattered self-esteem are making them obsessed with their ex. They’re controlling their rational thinking and slowing down their healing.
If dumpees can understand that they’re immensely attached to their exes mainly because their exes broke their hearts, they can calm down a bit and regain control of their feelings. But to do that, they need to be strong and understand that acting on instincts will come at a heavy price as it will push their exes away and make it very difficult for their exes to reach out and want a relationship with them.
In essence, both dumpees and dumpers need to spend some time away from each other. While dumpers need to work on processing negative associations and enjoying relief, dumpees need to recover from the shock of the breakup and rebuild their self-esteem.
These things are crucial because getting back together when couples crave opposite things is impossible. You can’t get back with the dumper when you crave attention, affection, and validation and the dumper needs space.
2)Independence
During the independence stage of getting back together with an ex, dumpees and dumpers attempt to leave their old lives behind and engage in activities that distract them from the past.
While dumpers distract themselves by going out a lot and dating others, dumpees make use of their post-breakup time by doing more productive things. They usually focus on spending more time with friends and family, talking about the breakup, exercising more, and trying to find passion in life again.
Positive activities and the pain from the breakup mixed together allow them to reflect on their mistakes, encourage them to improve their shortcomings, and help them be better romantic partners in the future.
Conversely, dumpers don’t suffer after the breakup because they’re glad their suffocating relationship has ended. They normally focus on having fun and moving on from the past, which is why they make very few (if any) positive changes. They just don’t see (or feel) a good reason to reflect and improve their behavior because they don’t think they did anything wrong.
Or if they see their mistakes, they’re usually so tired from the end of the relationship that they don’t care at all. It’s hard for them to care when all they want is to rest and not think about the past.
In the independence stage of getting back together with an ex, most dumpers follow their gut instincts and focus on short-term external happiness and validation.
They focus on cutting off the past and appear selfish and inconsiderate of their dumpees’ feelings. In their minds, they don’t think they’re selfish. They think they’re brave because they finally pulled away.
What dumpers don’t realize at this point is that their ex isn’t a bad person and that he or she isn’t more responsible for the breakup than they are. Sure, the dumpee has flaws but the dumpee can’t take all the blame unless the dumpee betrayed them by cheating, lying, or manipulating.
Such inconsiderate behaviors would imply that dumpers needed to leave the dumpee to keep their dignity and distance themselves from the person who has hurt them and continues to hurt them.
Most dumpees, however, aren’t bad people. Dumpers merely think they are because they run out of patience and associate a lot of bad qualities with the dumpees.
The worse their negative associations are and the less prepared dumpers are to improve them, the smaller the chances that they’ll one day stop thinking negatively of their exes and redevelop feelings for them.
3)Neutrality
Months after the breakup, dumpees crawl out of depression and begin to enjoy their lives again. They no longer need their ex to feel validated and can finally do what makes them happy.
They still value their ex and reminisce about him or her from time to time, of course, but they don’t put their dumper before themselves anymore. Not after they’ve recovered to the point where they took their rose-colored glasses off and started seeing their ex’s true colors.
In the neutrality stage of the breakup, dumpers stop feeling extremely elated and relieved and reset their emotional state. They revert to the people they used to be prior to the breakup and continue to engage in hobbies they picked up during the separation and independence stage.
Dumpers may still subconsciously hold some grudges against their dumpee, but these grudges usually can’t be noticed unless the dumpee commits typical post-breakup mistakes and smothers the dumper.
Provided that the dumpee stays in indefinite no contact and leaves the dumper alone, the dumper naturally stops feeling the need for space and relaxes. The dumper lets go of built-up negativity and feels neutral about his or her ex.
But for that to happen, the dumper usually needs months of alone time to process the breakup. Sometimes the number needs even more time if the dumper doesn’t ponder about the breakup very much and continues to engage in pointless post-breakup activities.
This is why the 30-day no contact rule and other devious breakup plans seldom work on the dumper. As long as the dumper is unreceptive, there’s nothing the dumpee can do about the breakup.
All the dumpee can do is wait and “hope” that the dumper is mature and self-aware enough to acknowledge mistakes and let go of the past. The dumper must get hurt because that’s oftentimes the only thing that can open the dumper’s eyes and make him or her come running back.
4)Moving on
The next stage of getting back together with an ex is the moving on stage. This stage is very important as both the dumpee and the dumper need to move on so that the power after the breakup can be evenly distributed among the desynchronized ex-couple.
If it’s not equally distributed and the dumper stays in complete control of the breakup by keeping all the power, reconciliation usually doesn’t last very long. That’s because the dumpee fails to exude confidence and be an equal partner.
That’s why moving on is essential. If the dumpee continues to idolize the dumper and refuses to kick the dumper off the pedestal—the dynamics of the new relationship can’t go back to normal. They remain imbalanced and unhealthy and as a result, prevent the dumper from falling in love again.
Imbalanced dynamics often cause the dumper to develop GIGS: the grass is greener syndrome and make him or her take the dumpee for granted again.
That’s when another breakup occurs and convinces the dumper that breaking up is good for his or her well-being. This is why dumpees need to take control of the breakup, invest in themselves, and find purpose in life.
By doing so, they can continue to move on with their lives and become as attractive as they can be.
Dumpers, on the other hand, also need to focus on moving on. Technically, they have already moved on even before the breakup. But after the breakup, they need to forget about their exes for a while and enjoy their independence. They mustn’t be bothered by their exes because if they are, they can feel guilty, smothered, and disrespected.
5)Inducement
The last stage of getting back with an ex is the inducement stage. In this stage, dumpees become completely independent and find joy in life again. They become happy about who they are and take pride in where their lives are going.
Due to their renewed passion for life, they no longer admire their ex and feel obsessively attached. They are free from unhealthy attachments and look forward to new beginnings.
Dumpers, however, aren’t that optimistic. They continue to go through the grass is greener syndrome stages and eventually, encounter personal issues bigger than they can handle.
That’s when they get a grip on reality and realize that life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows – the way they envisioned it to be.
Since they skipped the personal improvement phase after the breakup and focused on all the wrong things, a lot of dumpers lose personal power and emotionally regress.
They often become anxious, sad, or depressed and start to think about people who can help them with their unfortunate situation. After some thinking, they realize that the person capable of helping them is their dumpee.
They realize the dumpee went through the previous 4 stages of getting back with an ex and that he or she remained strong during one of the most difficult times of his or her life.
That’s when the breakup flips upside down on the dumper and the dumpee suddenly appears very attractive. The dumpee becomes the dumper’s savior – a reliable backup option that can help the dumper heal and feel valued.
Here’s a recap of the reconciliation stages dumpees and dumpers go through.
Did you enjoy reading the article about the 5 stages of getting back together with an ex? Have you noticed that you or your ex are going through any of these stages? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comment section below.
And if you’d like to talk about these stages with us privately, sign up for coaching with us here.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Learn more about me or get in touch today.
3 months into my 5-year-long relationship break-up. My mood swings daily between not wanting her back anymore and wishing she was still here. It gets better everyday but it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. I thank Zan for the invaluable advice on keeping busy, gym, working on hobbies/friends and dating other people. It keeps my mind off her and provides solace.
I can’t say for sure whether I want her back as a person or whether I simply miss the idea of having a partner. I sincerely hope it’s the former, given the memories we share (holidays & events) and the fact she chose to leave because of external pressures (not yet married even after so long, business losses and friction with each others’ family). It does not help that I screwed up in the post-breakup weeks by contacting her and trying to win her back. It definitely pushed her away and strengthened her resolve.
I have been in indefinite NC now. The only time I ‘hear’ of her is when she occasionally views my Whatsapp status updates. I am losing hope now but find I am also still desperately holding onto it. Somehow I have my doubts she will even contact me again so I am not sure if this article will apply to my case.
Hi DD
Dont worry, you will win either way.
If you never hear from her again, then she obviously didnt care that much in the end anyway.
If you do then great, theres a chance to rekindle things.
Gman
Thank you for your kind words, Gman.
Hey Zan,
Firstly I wanted to say that I’ve just read through a slate of your blogs/articles and find that you provide a very fresh and grounded perspective to break ups that most others don’t. So thank you for that, I’m super grateful and it’s quite refreshing to hear your takes. I know every relationship is different so I’ve been taking your advice as more like a blueprint on the big do’s and don’ts.
I’m in a tough spot myself. My ex and I “took a break” last year in April and during that time she effectively ran away. She quit her job and moved out back to her home town (we lived together for over a year). Afterwards many of the typical breakup signals followed. She stopped talking to me more frequently. Became colder in general. Said she was feeling pressure whenever I spoke to her and that I was causing anxiety. It was hard for me and I realise now I was definitely smothering her… doing the wrong things (writing her letters etc..). And though she admitted that the reasons that led to our break up were not specifically to do with me but other circumstances like our living arrangements (we also made the difficult decision of having an abortion many months prior to the split – I know she has not mentally recovered from this fully… neither have I in all honesty… it really was a difficult decision) she still associated all this negativity with me. Having said all that (and I know I know I know that everyone in a breakup feels this way) I really believe that our love for one another was strong, unique and genuine.
Flash forward to now, we haven’t spoken since mid-March. Haven’t seen each other since January. And I feel we have both moved on, I am in a new relationship which I am content in. But I recently made the decision of reaching out to my ex to see if she was alright during the pandemic and if she wanted to maybe meet up in the future. I apologised for being pushy and told her I hoped she was doing well. She responded instantly saying that she forgave me and hoped I was safe and well too, and that she would contact me soon. We left it there.
I have no intention of reaching out again obviously, and I assume she’ll get back to me on whatever schedule works for her… I guess I want to know what to do when we inevitably catch up. I think we have both been clear about keeping the prospect of a “future together” alive (albeit definitely me more than her) but I’m cautious of regressing and desperately wanting her back again like last year. I’m not really sure what has brought these feelings about, since I care tremendously for my current partner, but I just feel like my previous relationship was maybe a better fit for me? I honestly feel horrendous even saying that.
My plan is just to be myself and see what happens. She fell in love with me once so I don’t doubt it can happen again and if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. I feel terrible writing all this out and having to hide my feelings from my current partner. Should I break up with her based on the fact that I clearly have unresolved feelings for my ex? Or should I just keep my cards close to my chest in case this potential catch up is nothing more than final closure? I planned to tell her I am seeing someone but don’t really know what kind of reaction this will elicit… I have a feeling she is still single.
I apologise for the enormous essay, some advice would just be appreciated. Even via email or anything at whatever time frame works for you! It must be hard to be therapist for a billion broken hearts, so I’m grateful if you even manage to read through this post and don’t just roll your eyes at the length of it lol.
Seeing that if you could, you would rather be with your ex, so however much you care about you’re current girlfriend she’s not your number one in the world. And it’s not fair to her to stay with her while you explore the option of perhaps monkey branching to your ex, if she wants you back. You know who your heart wants.
Jaxon…
I completely get your situation.
My ex broke up with me due to stresses of pandemic (according to her). I offered at the very minimum to keep in touch as friends and I got no response, which is pretty loud and clear of a response.
Fast forward several months and I’m slowly working up the courage to meet new people and date again, but it’s hard. I’ve been strictly indefinite no-contact and I try to give up all hope, but I won’t lie, I still remain optimistic. Then I question how am I supposed to date someone if my heart still has feelings for my ex. And I try to put myself in the new date’s position and ask how I would feel if my new partner still has strong feelings for their ex.
It’s a difficult situation you’re in and I get it completely. My only guess is to give your new partner time and allow your heart to fully open to her. Who knows, with time you may develop stronger feelings for this new girl.
I feel that giving time is the only solution… time to allow your feelings to slowly subside for your ex… and time for you to develop sincere feelings for your new partner.
Best of luck…
This is a great site! I’m curious as to your thoughts on applying the no contact rule to platonic friendships? I’m going through a friendship breakup now (as the ‘dumpee’). I’m having a hard time dealing with it. There isn’t much out there online about friendship breakups, but most of what I do read leads me to the concept of NC (and which has brought me to this site!).
The more I read about NC, the more I see how the same concepts could easily be applied to plantonic situations that have no history of romance. (For context, we are both women.)
Some of it of course doesn’t apply… Namely, you can have more than one friend (but not more than one partner). So I’m not feeling the need to be ‘the one and only.’ But if you take away the romance factor, at face value, it seems NC could be applied to win back a close friendship in which nothing really bad has happened? (Basically, she was/is going through a difficult time and needed space from everyone… I was too pushy, and that closed her off to me even more.) Basically, the more I leave her alone, the greater the odds are that this will get resolved in the future?
Hey Zan great articles! So far they’ve been unbelievably helpful! I wanted your opinion on my situation. My ex and I were together for about 2 years and a rift began because she had to move away for school. About a month before she was suppose to move she broke up with me saying she needs to learn to love herself before she can be with me. Its been 2 months since then and she still hasn’t moved, I initiated NC almost immediately however she works at the gym I frequent. I tried avoiding her but she changed her schedule and now works during my normal gym hours. Yesterday was the first time we’ve talked at length since the breakup and things were very cordial and nice. After a few jokes she started to cry, shortly after I excused myself and left. Where in the cycle is she? Why is she crying but still keeping her distance? She deleted me off most social media in the first couple weeks of our breakup and I unfollowed her on what was left which upset her. I would like 1+ insight into how she may be feeling. Thanks a ton!
I have a unique situation. My ex and i broke up in October after it being an on and off type relationship. When we first split, I cut communication completely and then a few weeks later he asked if we could be friends. I agreed to this even though i knew it would be hard. Our friendship has been so rocky, and i think that’s because feelings are still very high. We would fight constantly, even more then when we were together. A couple weeks ago, we kind of blew up at each through texting and I haven’t spoke to him since. He told me to stay away from every one. But then this past weekend, he asked a mutual friend if he could come to a party I was at. I told the friend I didn’t think that was a good idea and that we need to talk first and apologize. So he basically never showed up and now i feel like i should of asked him to come so we can talk. I hope i’m doing this right. The not communicating and such. I just want to know if I’m on the right path to reconciling and making things with him even better than before. I don’t want him to start hating me and never want anything to do with me anymore. Please help?
Interesting article. However I disagree.
I don’t think dumpees really care about the dumper. Also long term. They might be curious, that’s it.
Especially if the dumper is a woman. Women never forget about anything, even after 20 years! And even if they come back, it’s because of lack of options, and it normally lasts very little, with very unpleasant consequences. Exceptions are… exceptions.
I think Rollo Tomassi is right in rule #7:
“It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.”
This article instills some hope in whoever is fixated with an ex. But hope is never a good strategy in life.
My ex reached out to me a few times last week. It’s been a year since we’ve broken up. We were together long distance for 3 years. He texted me and even called me a few times. The last 3 months have been really hard on him being in lockdown and he recently had a health scared. He said he was checking to see if I was ok during the pandemic. I am not getting my hopes up but I do still want to get back together with him. He was dating someone else right after we broke up. I am not sure if they are still together or if they are having problems. Need advice on what I should do to get him back.
Hey men!
Your posts are great and really help me getting through this rough fase of my life. I will let here a little resume of my 6years story with my ex.
I started datting in the university and we would normally just see each other at weekends because i studied far from my homeplace. Everything was ok,even when i went to study abroad for 5 months. We always manage to keep out relationship, everything was natural and we almost never had argues.
I ended my bachalor’s after 4yeasr, and than moved back home to do my masters and we were kind scared because i always had kind of a “long distance” relationship and we just saw each other in the weekends, but again every thing was fine! 🙂
The things started to go bad last year, it was marked for the fact that it was my first year working and i dind’t were sure of what i wanted to do, what was my purpose in life etc, and it really started to affect my relationship without i even realise it…. We broke up this January, and i never begged or plead because i knew that things weren’t ok, even tho that i tought we could work it out.
I sad to here that i would’nt accept friendship and that we hadto much value together. I kind started to go no contact, but i just broke it 3 separated time during a 2 month period. It was just to check if she was ok, i never asked to come back or etc. I knew that i should not do it, but see her in social media being “happy” was killing me, so i just reach out one LAST time and said, “hey, i think we should not follow each other here, can we take a cooffe and talk?” She agreed, we meet up and we had a nice talk about some travells that she and i had in this period of break up and in the end i said ” hey, you are a amazing girl, i know that i wasn’t the person that i should be, i wasn’t the confident guy that i always here, i wasn’t really listening to you and there were mistakes, but i thing it is better for us to not follow each other online. You want to follow your life right? i want it too, so if you some day want to talk and work things out you have my number. I will not accept being just friends, we have too much value together.”.
She was saying things like ” I said so many times, make decisions… I know that i always liked to make plans and etc, but i said to you so many times..” So yeah, i realise now that i stopped being in my masculine side, makings planns, listening to here etc…
Since the begin of March i’am in No Contact, and i will not break it, NEVER, not even in her aniversary in September.
I know that everyone says “oh, my relationship was perfect bla bla bla”, but men, out relationship was great, no joke… in those 6 years we travelled through europe, we were always happy and surprising each other, our families love each other, we would be moving together next year… It’s hard, but i just had to accept it.
Sorry for the long post, do you think that i done the best thing in our last talk? It’s all the good years that we had ( 5 and half years were good really, but since last JUly things just colapsed…) a big factor for her to think about giving us another change? Oh… and she kept sendind messages to my mother from time to time…
M ,
Having suffered both the death of a wife and break ups I can say they are very similar. After a break up you have to go through the grief process but most importantly look after yourself and look at always to better your life for you not the ex . Don’t put them on pedestals ( you attracted people before , you’ll do it again ). Go indefinite NC and focus only on you , don’t give them the power to run your life . Don’t be filled with hate for them , it’ll only effect your well being . If they decide to come back (and you want them back ) be prepared . Limit talk about the past , you should be a new better person by now . It’s all about the future and they have to fit in with the new you . Power will be back with you . Stay focused.
Thank you Matt we been in this no contact for two years.i have been forcing on myself
My ex bf broke up with me with having confusing reasons first. First, he said he’s having life crisis, that he doesnt know what to do with his life. Stress from work and all. Second, he said that he was confused, not knowing if breaking up was the right thing. Third, he said he wants to stay single and explore. He even said he wants to hoe. After 3 months of break up, I found out he’s seeing someone new. I also found out from one of his closest friend that he cheated on me with this new person. I just dont know how he cheated, but he still cheated. First month of break up, he messaged me asking if i am seeing someone new, very casual. He tried to know more things thats happening to me, but I didnt ask anything more about him. I dont know why I would still want him back. I am getting better everyday however, after knowing he’s seeing someone new, i was brought back to the beginning. Its hard to accept that i can be replaced so easily and him giving false reasons. I dont know if he would still talk to me. I am keeping no contact until he talks to me. I deleted him on every social media, but i would see him watching my stories. It gives me hope that one say he’ll come back. But him having someone new makes me believe that it’s just me holding on that hope. After everything, i still pray and hope that we will be back together. I am trying to get better everyday.
I was recently in a relati9nship for 2 and a half years we br9ke up due to the fact she thouhht i was cheating and we were arguing for months leading up. I really do want her back and was wondering whether me being her first everything such as boyfriend and first sexual experience will she test the waters elsewhere? She didnt really have a HIGH sex drive so just curious. (Weve been no contact since may 8th)
Hi SL23.
She might want to see what other relationships are like, so be prepared for that. I suggest that you don’t stalk her to find out. Keep her out of sight.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan!
This was very interesting to read for me as I had two break ups with my ex.
In the first one, we stopped talking for around three days and then went right back to how it was before the breakup. There was physical separation (for a few months), but never emotional separation and after a year and a half of this, we decided to give it another go. So when I look at your steps in this article, it really doesn’t feel like we went through them at all and I do wonder if it may have been a factor in this reconciliation not working out.
In my current situation, everything here definitely applies. From the day we broke up for the second time, my ex stopped all contact with me. He told me he needed space and to be alone, and I wish I had found your blog at the time, because I went with the 30 day thing. He did reply and was friendly, but didn’t show much interest in carrying on a conversation. After finding your blog and months of anxiety because of his increasingly shorter replies, I went NC (close to 6 months now!) and that, along with a few other things, has helped.
A mutual friend of ours told me that he has started a new relationship (and considering it was 9 months after our break up, I don’t think it’s a rebound one?), so my best guess is he’s past the moving on stage. I’m working on that part myself still, and the part where you talked about the power dynamics really caught my attention – I was the one who was broken up with both times, so I’ve been the powerless one two times. I didn’t quite see it the first time around, but I definitely feel it this time.
I don’t know if we’ll ever reach the inducement stage — it feels much harder after a failed second attempt and with a new relationship on the plate for him — but if the opportunity does arise in the future, I still need to get past the moving on stage, so that’s what I’ll focus on for now.
Apologies for the long comment, thank you for the post!
Hi Eve.
Thank for the comment.
Your ex is now dating someone new, so keep moving on. When/if he comes to the realization that your relationship was better, he’ll let you know.
But if he doesn’t ever realize this, it’s okay too! You’ll soon heal and meet someone better.
Hang in there, Eve!
Zan
Hello,
My ex and I broke up 2 months ago. We didn’t have any major problems but he couldn’t see a future together. It was all very sudden, as we had just signed a lease for a new apartment days before he left. The breakup was amicable and for the first 4 weeks we talked on and off but only because we had house/money things to sort out. I saw him 4 weeks after the breakup and we talked in person, things were left on a good note. A few days after that things turned a bit sour because his family asked for a joint gift back, so my family retaliated and did the same. We haven’t spoke since then and he has blocked my number. I am at 4 weeks NC now however every week or so a member of his family will unfollow me or block me on social media. I haven’t been posting anything so I am unsure why it’s happening out of the blue. I still want him back but I don’t know if I have a chance. What should my next steps be? I need to contact him again eventually about money/rental things but I am holding off for as long as I can. When i do contact him, should I try and start a casual conversation? I aim to not contact him for at least another 4 but up to 8 weeks.
I think it should be casual convo between you too.i know the feeling I want my ex back too it been two years since I heard from her.idk what to believe if she married I have searched but there no marriage saying that she married it just on Facebook.
I just want to add on here that I went through a REALLY BAD breakup 3 and half months ago. We had been dating for a year and I was very much in love with him. He was growing cold and distant so I thought that if I tried harder so would he, but I learned the hard way that this doesn’t work. Anyways, we ended up breaking up after an argument, because he was just looking for a way out. At first I was looking up how to get an ex back and all of them said 30 days no contact. At the time that seemed okay, but I had doubts about that because it didn’t make sense considering he wanted to leave and “couldn’t do this anymore”. After reading this blog I decided on indefinite no contact rule, began working on myself and everything else recommended on here. He’s a very stubborn guy so I didn’t figure I would hear from him for a long time.
Flash forward to now, he called me 2 days ago after months of radio silence, crying and apologizing like crazy, asking if I hate him, that he still loves me, etc. After he calmed down and we talked more I asked him why he called now, to which he answered “for the first month and a bit I didn’t really think about it too much but the last few weeks I’ve felt like an ass for what happened, and I started regretting and I just couldn’t take it anymore.”
Zan is right, please don’t do the 30 day no contact, even the most stubborn people will text you when they want to!!!
Thank you so much zan!!
Thank you for sharing your story, Ley.
When exes want us back, they text us no matter what. Unhappiness drives them to.
Best regards,
Zan
OMG, this feels exactly like my situation! I felt the distant and tried to fix things, our break up was not during an argument but it still was quite bad. I also felt that the 30 day thing was BS so I have been in 3,5 months of no contact now. My ex is also very stubborn and has quite a low self esteem when it comes to girls and relationships, so I don’t think I will here from him for a while either because he has not reached out yet. But I have a feeling that he will soon and that makes it much easier for me to be calm and continue with my life 🙂 Congratulations to you anyway!
Dear Zan,
I wanted to send you a message of thanks. I’ve been in some pretty dark places post a breakup with my first real girlfriend and reading your blog has given me the tough love that I desperately needed. Which is saying something because I’m one of those people who always hopes for and sees the best, a huge denier when awful things happen.. so much so, I didn’t want to believe what you were saying until it all happened and I realised that your words, your blog has been an honest wake up call that I desperately needed. I can see and feel that you genuinely care and have a good heart and you’re a good friend to many who don’t know you, when they need it the most.
For me, it’s been 6 months of hell, 6 months of death by a thousand cuts. There was no cheating but she was cruel in the end. I was a person who was abused a lot as a kid and then abandoned. I came good and I’ve got 2 girls and 2 Masters degrees and have an awesome job but towards the end, it had retriggered so much past pain.
She blocked me straight off the bat (I hadn’t tried to contact her or hadn’t posted anything) and dumped my things outside her house. We got back together for a month but she hadn’t evolved or resolved her anger (she was always an angry person – like a victim) and ghosted me a second time. Both times, I did indefinite no contact but after the first, I was still very vulnerable when she resurfaced again. She ghosted me again after the whole COVID thing started and I’ve been indefinite no contact from the start. She sent me an email saying that she needed a break and didn’t know if she’d be back and that she thought that I was unsafe.. it was cowardly and horrible words to someone who’s been abused and I felt like she was reserving her right to come back and that I’d just be there. I didn’t respond. I had your words telling me that I deserved better. Although I have good days and bad, I’m just riding the waves. On my down days, where I think about what I may have done wrong, I read your blog and it reminds me that I’m not responsible for other people’s actions, nor are they necessarily about me.. that I can only take responsibility for my own and know that a tried my best and I’m not the awful person.
So with that, I wanted to pass on my sincerest thank you.
Melissa
Hi Melissa.
Most people are in denial and don’t believe what’s written on here until weeks or months later after they’ve gotten out of denial.
When your ex left and treated you badly, she reignited your childhood traumas and made life hell for you. That’s why you must leave this person completely to herself so that she can let go of her victim mentality and stop causing pain to you.
There’s someone better for you out there. Someone who will treat you with care and respect.
Kind regards,
Zan
Well I found out months after the breakup that she cheated on me and is now on onlyfans. So definitely off the pedestal. If she wants to destroy her life that’s her choice. I’m through white knighting for anyone.
Thanks to the pandemic my employer is now allowing remote work, so I’m researching moving down to Buenos Aires for a few months for a change of scenery.
Hi Trevor.
Her actions show that she’s not a reliable long-term partner for you. That’s why I’m glad that you’re starting to see the real her and that you no longer worship her.
Good job!
Zan
Hello
I broke up with my old gf a two years ago,I realized the break up was on me for reacting the way I did.there was no cheating lying or manipulating each other.we were happy together.
Hi M.
If you’ve realized your mistakes, correcteted them, and you want to reconcile with your ex, I suggest that you contact her and see if she’s single and ready to forgive you.
She’s probably moved on already, but you never know…
Kind regards,
Zan
My wife cheated on me, then left me, leaving me alone to look after our 4 kids.
Since, she has now met someone else, barely 3 weeks after moving out, and is now pushing for us to divorce, using adultery as the reason.
I doubt she is processing the break in a healthy way, but what can I do?
We are going to divorce and I feel thrown away. Still, at least I now know, and believe, that she is not the woman for me.
What a waste of 15 years…
All the best to everyone going through heartbreak! We’ll make it 😊
I am sorry to hear that. It can be scary having to go through this situation. I wish you all the best!
Hi again, Jon.
There’s nothing you can do to help her process the breakup in a healthy way. This is something she’s responsible for.
As for you, I’m sure you’ll find a better partner who will be there for you no matter what.
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you for your support Zan. Your articles are a great and helpful resource for those of us who are battling through break ups.
Thank you for your kind words, Jon.
I find great pleasure in helping others.
Sincerely,
Zan
Well my ex cheated on me, left me with 4 kids, and barely a month later met someone else, and is now pressuring me to file for divorce under adultery.
Needles to say I don’t think she is processing the break up stages at all. That said, we are meeting tonight to discuss getting the divorce underway as I don’t see a way of reasoning with her, and I no longer feel like she is the right woman for me anymore.
Still hurts thoygh, and not just for me but also for my kids.
Hi J.
I’m sorry to hear that.
Your wife treated you really badly, so I hope that you do what’s best for you and protect yourself and the kids.
Stay strong!
Zan
Wow Zan! And I’m always surprised with your articles… over and over again. This moment “That’s when the breakup flips upside down on the dumper…” big one
Thank you for making all the dumpee life easier with your help :))
Thanks, Linda. I hope it helps!
Best regards,
Zan