No contact sounds simple in theory. All you’ve got to do is stop texting, stop calling, stop checking your ex’s social media, and resist the urge to show up unannounced. In practice, however, no contact seems completely different. It feels like torture, especially during the first month or two.
When an ex you once spoke to every day becomes a ghost, someone you can no longer reach, the silence isn’t just quiet, it’s deafening.
You’re left staring at your phone and wondering if your ex is thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about him or her. You replay your best memories in your head like a movie, giving your ex more credit than he or she deserves. Time seems to pass very slowly as you’re expecting your ex to make a move and free you from your self-inflicted misery.
Starting and maintaining no contact isn’t for the weak-hearted. It requires a certain amount of commitment, strength, bravery, perseverance, and blind faith. Without these, you’re likely to break down, act on your urges to reach out, and reset your healing process. Not only will you make the breakup difficult for yourself, but you’ll also make it difficult for your ex because you’ll force your ex to interact with you and interrupt his or her relief phase.
It’s okay and normal to struggle with no contact. Most dumpees struggle to stay away from their ex for a while. They experience overwhelming separation anxiety and feel a strong need to tell their ex what they think and feel. Many times, they want to apologize, promise to do better, and beg for another chance. They completely ignore the fact that their ex has lost feelings and that getting back together isn’t as easy as they want it to be.
It’s not just about taking accountability, sharing pain, expressing the wish to do better, and seeking pity. Healthy reconciliations require dumpees and dumpers to be equal partners. This means they must both forgive, respect, and love each other—and want the relationship equally. If things aren’t equal and someone has significantly more power, reconciliation won’t happen or won’t last longer than a couple of weeks.
It will fail shortly after starting or even before reconnecting.
If you’re struggling with no contact, you must understand that your struggle is a sign of emotional detachment. You’re healing at your own rate and learning how to function without your ex’s constant reassurance. Every minute you spend without your ex is proof that your survival doesn’t depend on your ex and that you’re fully capable of moving forward on your own.
Moving forward may not be pleasant like it is for your ex, but that’s because you were rejected and abandoned. You were let go while you still had feelings and hopes for the relationship. Your ex, on the other hand, was fully detached and plan-free. He or she didn’t value you or the relationship, and therefore, didn’t feel sad at the thought of losing you and occupying his or her time with other people or things. Your ex probably felt excited to be free of obligations and in charge of his or her life.
To not struggle with no contact, you’d have to not care about your ex or have the self-esteem of an Olympic gold medalist. You probably fall somewhere in between; you feel unwanted and want your ex to ease your suffering. That’s understandable, especially if the breakup blindsided you, involved betrayal, or left you questioning your importance. You shouldn’t consider yourself weak just because you’re struggling with no contact.
No contact is hard because it cuts your ex off instantly and forces you to go cold turkey. It makes you overanalyze your ex’s past actions and imagine what he or she might do next. This puts your mind under constant emotional stress and gives you no room to relax.
Many times, dumpees start blaming themselves for their mistakes and the things their ex blames them for. Due to their shattered self-esteem, they’re willing to take responsibility even for the things they had nothing to do with. Things like their ex’s negative thinking, temper, or bad reactions. By doing so, they send the message that they lack control and put their ex on a pedestal.
Don’t get me wrong; it’s okay to apologize. But not to an ex who blames you or considers you significantly more responsible than him or her. Apologizing to an ex like that makes you look weak and manipulative. It tells the man or woman that you’re apologizing not to ease his or her pain, but to be forgiven, earn another chance, and relieve YOUR OWN pain.
When the dumper realizes you’re reaching out, apologizing, and explaining things for your own sake, the last thing he or she will feel is sympathy or renewed feelings. It’s much more likely that the dumper will think you’re refusing to accept the breakup and let him or her go.
Once the dumper thinks your texts or calls come with romantic expectations, you can kiss your chances goodbye. Your ex won’t respect you, nor feel that he or she is missing out. Getting back together will become much more difficult, if not impossible.
Hence, if your goal is to get back with your ex, you must adhere to no contact at all costs. You can’t break no contact, pour your heart out, and expect your ex to be okay with it. Your ex will likely feel pressured and disrespected to the point of lashing out and pushing you away. Let’s just say you’ll get hurt and feel worse than you do now that you miss your ex and fantasize about being with him or her.
As a dumpee, you must do your best to control your actions. You may not be able to control your feelings, but you must nonetheless avoid reacting strongly and desperately. It’s important for you to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself and let your ex be free. If you leave your ex alone long enough, chances are your ex will process anger, resentment, or relief and become curious about you. And when your ex is curious, your ex may reach out (breadcrumb you) or redevelop feelings.
I can’t predict what will happen, but if your ex’s thinking evolves and your ex is able to forgive, there’s a chance your ex could even fall for you again. I don’t want to give you false hope, but if you’re doing no contact to be with your ex, a good reason to persevere in no contact is to avoid looking needy and desperate.
Today, we’re going to explore why it’s completely normal to struggle with no contact and how you can make it a little more manageable.
No contact is hard, period.
No matter how much you resent your ex for breaking your heart and leaving you to pick up the pieces on your own, anger and contempt won’t be enough to instantly forget about your ex. You’ve been abandoned and hurt, which means you’ll need some time to process the abandonment and let go of the future you envisioned with your ex.
You shouldn’t think you’re struggling with no contact because you’re weak or unworthy of love and commitment. If you have a negative image, you could end up doing serious emotional damage and need twice as long as the average dumpee (which is 8 months to a year) to get your ex out of your system and start enjoying life again.
Try to remember that most dumpees go through feelings of rejection, self-doubt, uncertainty, fear, anxiety, and even depression. They go through the stages of a breakup for the dumpee and find themselves thinking about their ex all the time. Their thoughts indicate that they crave answers and validation, and that they’re trying to regain their lost power and control.
Unfortunately, reaching out, talking, begging and pleading, or even threatening isn’t the way to go about it. Your ex might apologize, say ‘It’s not you, it’s me,’ or perhaps even offer to help. That might make you feel better in the moment, but it won’t help you in the long run. That’s because communication will give you hope and stop your healing and self-improvement, and increase your dependence on your ex.
The more you rely on your ex for your emotions and problems, the longer you’ll stay hooked on your ex and the worse you’ll feel. Initially (after the breakup and before no contact), you can ask your ex questions related to the relationship if your ex cares and wants to support you.
But if your ex doesn’t care or if you already got the most important answers, it’s time to cut your ex off and do no contact.
Commit to no contact and indirectly tell your ex that you:
- Respect his/her decision
- Won’t chase because you value yourself
The most important message you can send to a person who left you is that you’re doing okay emotionally and that you have what it takes to overcome the breakup blues. Your ex will respect you more and fear reaching out less if you depict strength, healthy self-esteem, and commitment to yourself and those who matter.
It won’t make your ex want you back on the spot, but it will plant seeds in his or her head. Seeds that may take root and grow with time, especially when life gives your ex lemons. You must understand that no contact isn’t a quick detachment/reconciliation method. It’s a technique to boost your self-esteem, happiness, and purpose, and make you look the most attractive in the process.
Those who promise you’ll get your ex back in 15 or 30 days treat no contact like a magic bean, an instant fix that guarantees results. They refuse to tell the truth about no contact, which is that it’s neither a magic bean nor a scam. No contact must last indefinitely – until the dumper realizes his or her mistakes and wants the dumpee back.
Whether it happens weeks, months, years, or decades into no contact, the dumpee must remember that no contact is his or her best bet and that refusing to leave the dumper alone will lead to bad results. It will deny the dumper space, annoy the dumper, and bring negative responses out of him or her.
No contact’s main purpose is to help you detach and teach you how to love yourself. Once you’ve rebuilt your self-love, staying in no contact and moving on from your ex will become much easier. That’s because you won’t constantly relive the breakup and wonder how you can get back with your ex.
Simply put, you’ll give yourself a break and no longer struggle with no contact.
Rest assured that no contact gets easier with time. Most dumpees find it much more tolerable a couple of months into the process. This is especially true for dumpees who avoid stalking their ex online, asking their friends for information about their ex, and dating new people. Dating tends to create comparisons between romantic partners and triggers nostalgia.
When you struggle with no contact and feel tempted to reach out, remember that you don’t have any better options at the moment. You can either break no contact and risk getting hurt from seeing your ex detached, or stick to no contact, heal, and perhaps one day see a more receptive ex. The choice is yours to make. Just keep in mind that your ex needs to come to you, not the other way around.
This is necessary for your lost power to return to you and for you to become an equal again.
There are many things you can do when you’re finding it hard to stay in no contact. First and foremost, remind yourself why no contact is important. Read an article or two about no contact and what it’s doing for you and your ex. When you understand the effect it has on both parties, you’ll feel less tempted to reach out and try to change your ex’s feelings by force.
If the positive effects of no contact don’t motivate you, learn more about the negatives. Acknowledge the fact that reaching out prematurely will likely overwhelm your ex and bring a negative reaction out of him or her. This reaction will destroy your hopes, bring you back to reality, and hurt your feelings.
If you need some good reasons not to reach out, read my article about 7 dumpees breaking no contact. It might regain your faith in no contact or at least dissuade you from breaking it.
Another way you can make no contact slightly more bearable is to keep yourself busy. A busy lifestyle prevents your thoughts from wandering back to your ex and wanting what you can’t have. To keep yourself busy, stay socially active, set new goals, focus on your hobbies, learn new things, improve yourself, and live with purpose.
You won’t instantly stop thinking about your ex, but even if you avoid thinking about your ex for a minute, that’s a minute you don’t obsess and suffer. Over time, you’ll think about your ex less and learn to relax and enjoy life.
Make sure to also seek help if needed. Family and friends can be a great support system, but they don’t always have time and patience. This is where a trained professional comes in. He or she may be able to ease your worries and point you in the right direction. You might also learn things about yourself you didn’t know and find things to work on.
If you’re struggling with no contact only occasionally, you can probably do something about it by learning what or who triggers you. If certain places, words, sounds, or social media posts cause you anxiety, cut them out. You can deactivate your social profiles and avoid going to places that remind you of your ex.
Try to also forgive your ex. You don’t have to like your ex, but do forgive, as forgiveness will set you free. The sooner you learn to avoid blaming your ex for using, abusing, or mistreating you, the sooner you’ll let go and open your heart to better people and things. My advice is to journal your thoughts and feelings and write down why you forgive your ex for hurting you.
Do this enough times and you’ll free yourself from the ghost of your ex.
Having said that, here’s what to do when you’re really struggling with no contact.
What if I break no contact?
If you give in to pain and break no contact, it won’t be the end of the world. You may reveal your feelings and intentions and complicate things, but it won’t mean you should end no contact and try to impress your ex through words and actions.
You can talk about the relationship only when you’re healed or when there’s something to talk about.
At the moment, your ex isn’t giving you a chance to explain things. All you can do is resume/stay in no contact and act as if you didn’t make any mistakes. Whether you reached out, hurt your ex, or delayed the start of no contact, you must keep moving forward like nothing happened. There’s no need to apologize, pressure your ex, and give your ex additional reasons to need space.
Many dumpees slip up from time to time. Some reach out within days or weeks, while others contact their exes later on, once they feel better and believe they have nothing to lose. Regardless of the timing, the urge to reconnect is common. You must learn to control it.
The better you get at controlling it, the fewer mistakes you’ll make with your ex and your future partners.
If you want your ex back, you need to avoid making breakup mistakes, or at least keep them to a minimum. Every mistake can significantly worsen your persona and reduce your chances of reconciliation. Mistakes can tell your ex that you’re unwilling or incapable of controlling your urges and that leaving you was the right thing to do.
So try to avoid making mistakes. Do that by focusing on yourself rather than your ex. Over time, you’ll see that no contact has helped you save face and improved your health and well-being.
Are you struggling with no contact and wondering why? Share your no contact experience in the comments below, and we’ll get back to you shortly.
However, if you need support in sticking to no contact, don’t hesitate to seek support, use helpful guides on our blog, or reach out directly via our coaching program.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
