Dumpees and dumpers are often afraid of seeing their exes. Dumpees are scared because they’ve been dumped, rejected, and hurt, and don’t want to go through another shocking experience. They want to do everything in their power to avoid seeing their ex happy and thinking that he or she doesn’t regret leaving the relationship.
Dumpers, on the other hand, are afraid of different things. Most of the time, they understand that they’ve hurt their ex and that they’ve made their ex’s recovery and life very difficult. Because they’re aware of the damage they’ve caused, they feel uncomfortable at the thought of running into their ex or checking up on their ex.
They’d rather keep their physical and emotional distance and remain oblivious to their ex’s struggles. If they were to see their ex hurt, they might consider themselves responsible for hurting their ex and helping him or her heal.
Dumpers don’t have the patience, willpower, and strength to ignore their negative feelings and talk to an ex, especially face-to-face. Most of them don’t want anything to do with their ex, let alone be friends. They might bring up friendship or even promise to get back together in the future, but those are just excuses they use to appear less detached and uncaring.
Deep inside, they scream for space, emotional independence, and control over their life. They want new experiences with new people and leave the old ones behind. You can’t blame them for that because they feel victimized and relieved (empowered).
They’ve been thinking about leaving their ex and experiencing the life they fantasized about, so the last thing they want is to spend more of their energy and time talking and bonding with their ex.
All dumpers want is to distance themselves from their ex and enjoy their newfound freedom. Freedom gives them control over their life and helps them feel at peace.
So if your dumper ex is afraid of seeing you and you don’t know why he feels that way, keep in mind that he developed fears due to a combination of factors. Most of those factors are negative, as your presence or behavior now triggers unhealthy reminders and emotions that he associated with you toward the end of the relationship.
Every time he sees you or thinks he might run into you, he remembers how he left things and feels overwhelmed with unease, uncertainty, guilt, or all three combined. He doesn’t know how you feel and how to react, so he pretends not to see you and/or looks for the quickest way to avoid you.
Some dumpers first look scared, but soon learn to relax. They see that their ex has accepted the breakup and isn’t desperate to reconcile. Such dumpers may converse for minutes or hours and appear as if they’re ready for friendship or more. They may even propose meeting up for coffee and catching up.
You need to remember that the first conversation after the breakup (after a period of silence) can be deceiving. It can make dumpers look receptive just because they feel relieved to see that their ex is doing okay and not pressuring them. Their real feelings are often different from what they show during the initial conversation.
When they talk to their ex for the second time (or when they’re about to), they often change their mind about catching up and say they’re not ready for it. This behavior can be confusing for dumpees and make them wonder where they went wrong.
So if your ex-boyfriend is scared to see you, remember that it may be too soon for him. He’s probably still enjoying his post-breakup relief and needs more time to go through the stages of a breakup for the dumper. He needs to stop feeling empowered by the breakup and afraid of what you might say and do when he’s alone with you.
He probably spent a decent amount of time thinking about how you feel and what your heart desires, so he feels bad for turning your life upside down. He wishes he didn’t have to hurt you so badly just to get the space he needed. Unfortunately, guilt doesn’t make him feel comfortable and want to see you in person. He might want to apologize, but there’s no need for him to do it in person.
In-person conversations force him out of his comfort zone and make him face his fears without offering any sense of reward. He doesn’t see a reason to push himself into discomfort and explore the uncertainty of talking to an ex who might still want him back. Talking to you when he wants to self-prioritize and enjoy life on his terms scares him more than anything.
Just the thought of talking to you makes him relive the negative breakup emotions and causes unease. That’s why he feels and appears scared and acts on his fears. He avoids you like the plague and hopes not to run into you in public.
If your ex-boyfriend is scared to see you, you mustn’t force him to face his fears. Forcing him to do something he doesn’t want or isn’t ready for will pressure him and make him feel disrespected, if not resentful. It will tell him that his decisions and feelings don’t matter to you and that you’re a self-centered individual.
Simply put, the harder you try to meet up face to face and get something from him, the bigger the chance that he’ll respond emotionally and push you away by force. His forceful response will remind you that you’re unwanted romantically and that you need to work on detachment rather than getting back in touch and planning reconciliation.
No matter how badly you want your ex to validate you and be with you, remember that dumpers don’t respond well to demands, insistence, and harassment. They tend to get angry or cold and take their frustration out on their ex.
Dumpers come back as friends or partners when they’re emotionally ready, feel safe, and miss their ex. They need a good incentive to stop what they’re doing and run back to someone they disliked and abandoned. Usually, they need to meet someone highly incompatible, get hurt, and engage in deep reflection. A deep reflection can help them see that they overestimated their desirability and ability to connect with others.
In this post, we shed some light on why your ex-boyfriend is scared to see you and what you can do about it.
Why is my ex-boyfriend scared to see me?
Your ex-boyfriend is scared to see you because he feels that seeing you carries a certain sense of responsibility. He thinks that he’ll be forced to answer your questions and focus on you instead of himself. Talking to you will give you what you want, but it won’t make a difference to your ex. Not while your ex still craves space and thinks you’re incapable of making him happy.
The biggest reason he’s afraid of interacting with you is that he associates negative beliefs and emotions with you. He believes that you’re responsible for his problems and unhappiness and that he can’t benefit from talking to you. He can only feel pressured, stressed, and guilty.
The breakup caused immense emotional discomfort, so he first needs to process it and feel like taking accountability. Don’t expect him to apologize, explain himself, and empathize with you just because you’re hurt. This won’t happen, at least not until he stops blaming you and refusing to see how he contributed to the breakup.
Some dumpers never put themselves in their ex’s shoes and see how their ex feels or why he or she said or did certain things. They feel powerful/in control of their life, so they lack a good reason to reflect and grow. Reflection tends to occur mainly, if not only, when their self-esteem and happiness are on the line. That’s when they need to make some changes and start seeing their ex from a different angle.
Anyway, your ex-boyfriend is scared of seeing you because he wants a clean break. He wants to distance himself from the breakup and feel positive emotions. Talking to you isn’t something he wants at the moment because he feels uncomfortable at the thought of the conversation steering in an undesirable direction. An undesirable direction could be any relationship or breakup topic that disrupts his happiness and relief and makes him feel guilty, trapped, or uncomfortable.
Most dumpers will pretend to be busy, ignore, or even block when they feel that their ex has romantic feelings and expectations of them. They’ll quickly let their ex know they’re not on the same page and that they don’t want to get back together. If dumpees insist on talking and getting back together despite their ex’s unwillingness, they may soon discover their ex’s dark side and learn how little their ex cares about them.
It’s best not to push the dumper to remain in your life when every fiber in his body tells him to run for the hills and be free.
After a breakup, dumpers must be allowed to spread their wings and explore their options and capabilities. They must return to the dating field, see what else is out there, and gain perspective. That’s the only way they can compare their new life to the old one and become nostalgic or regretful.
If you plan to be with your ex, you don’t have a choice but to let your ex go for now. Go no contact with your ex and show him you’re strong enough to accept the breakup and move on. Your lack of initiative will send the message that you respect yourself and won’t beg him to spend time with you and/or be with you.
How you handle the breakup, especially early on, could determine whether he thinks about you and misses you when life gets tough. That’s why it’s super important not to beg and plead for affection, forgiveness, and commitment. If a guy wants to commit, he’ll do that of his own accord.
He’ll feel a strong desire to connect with you, obtain your validation, and fear losing you (not seeing you). The guy will know you’re the right person for him and do everything from initiating texts and conversations and apologizing to explaining things, making plans for the future, and gaining your trust back.
You won’t have to chase him once he’s redeveloped feelings and decided to be a part of your romantic life again.
That said, here’s why your ex-boyfriend is scared to see you.
Will my ex stop being scared eventually?
Unfortunately, most dumpers feel uncomfortable after a breakup. They feel overwhelmed by their ex or the breakup and want their ex to leave them alone for a while. They need at least a few months to distract themselves from the past and get their ex out of their system.
Only those who have processed the breakup, made peace with their guilt, and emotionally prepared themselves for friendship hold on to their ex. Such exes tend to confuse dumpees and give them false hope. So, you may want to chat with your ex and see what your ex is up to, but chatting isn’t good for you. Not if your ex reveals that he’s dating or says hopeful things that string you along. You’re better off not talking to your ex until your ex sees your romantic worth and wants to recommit.
Also, your dumper ex will eventually stop feeling super scared of seeing you. He may still feel a bit uncomfortable and not want to talk, but he won’t be so afraid of being noticed and pulled into a conversation that he crosses to the other side of the road just to avoid you. Gradually, your ex will feel less scared of running into you and saying a few quick words.
The good thing about it is that you won’t always care. When you rebuild your self-esteem and realize you deserve better than your ex, you’ll close this chapter of your life and move on to people who feel excited to talk to you. Those people will make you feel needed and desired and help you forget your ex.
I urge you not to spend too much time analyzing your ex’s fear or unease. Fear is good only when your ex understands the value you bring to the table and fears losing you. It’s not good when he thinks you’ll say or do something that catches him off guard and makes him feel unwanted emotions.
Still wondering why your ex is scared to see you? Post your thoughts below.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
