Does The No Contact Rule Work For Long-distance Relationships?

The no contact rule works for long-distance relationships just as it works for no-distance relationships. Distance itself doesn’t change the fact that dumpers need space and time to process the negative emotions caused by the breakup. They must be left alone to enjoy their obligation-free life, fail to reach their post-breakup goals, and discover their ex’s worth.

The no contact rule is necessary for all types of relationships and breakups. When dumpers leave a relationship (long-distance or not), they feel emotionally exhausted, unheard, disrespected, angry, resentful, confused, pressured, uncomfortable, guilty, uncertain, disappointed, or even depressed. How they feel depends on their coping mechanisms, relationship dynamics, and what their ex says and does.

If their ex floods them with dozens of texts every day, they tend to feel overwhelmed and hurt and may respond in ways that hurt their ex back. They typically don’t feel the need to be mindful of their words and actions when their ex isn’t doing the same. On the contrary, they think they have nothing to lose and that it’s okay to respond emotionally/poorly, even if they make their ex more anxious because of it.

Dumpers may care about dumpees, but they do so only when they feel cared for and respected in return. They have a hard time respecting dumpees when dumpees lack respect for themselves and their exes. Respect and self-respect are crucial after the breakup. They determine whether dumpers think about dumpees as pitiful and lost exes who need help or independent exes who have their emotions under control and continue to move toward their pre-set destinations.

The contrast between the two types of dumpees is striking. One evokes curiosity and respect, while the other creates discomfort and annoyance.

If you had to choose which type of dumpee you want to be, you’d probably choose to be the one who is regarded with respect and curiosity. You’d want your ex to think and feel positively about you and recognize that you weren’t all that bad.

As long as you’re hurt and your goal is to reconnect with your ex as partners, it’s in your best interest not to make your ex perceive you as a nuisance. You don’t want to think or know that your ex dislikes or despises you because that would destroy your hope for reconciliation and force you to accept the relationship is done for good.

Although acceptance is generally considered good, it can come as a shock when the outcome doesn’t match your expectations. When you’re not yet emotionally detached and ready to consider the relationship over, it can cause you immense pain. This tends to happen when dumpees break the no contact rule and get rejected.

Consequently, they learn that their ex doesn’t want to reconcile and that they have to let go of false hope and unrealistic expectations on the spot. This reopens their breakup wounds and makes them regret taking the initiative with their ex.

Unlike dumpees who stay in no contact and continue to detach at their own pace, initiating dumpees are forced to face reality on the spot, experience another rejection, push their ex away, and make reconciliation much more difficult. They shoot themselves in the foot and need longer to recover.

So keep in mind that the no contact rule is the best course of action for you, whether you had a short-term, long-term, healthy, problematic, on-and-off, long-distance, or no-distance relationship. The type of relationship doesn’t matter because your ex is going through the dumper stages of a breakup and needs to be left alone to see that you used to and can once again add value to his or her life.

Your ex essentially needs to learn (probably the hard way, through pain) that you weren’t in a relationship just to take from it. You also contributed to it and maintained it.

I say that your ex needs to learn lessons because it’s not your job to remind your ex of everything you did well. If your ex is like most dumpers, your ex is focusing mainly on the things you didn’t do well. This includes moments when you made him or her think negatively of you and feel the need to take control of the situation by force.

If you refuse to do no contact just because you were in a long-distance relationship and think you must prove your worth to your ex, you need to know that your chances of long-term success will drop significantly. I’m not saying you’ll fail for sure because some dumpees have succeeded in reconciling their ex despite initiating the conversation and asking for another chance, but you can expect to face difficulties.

Their ex came back because he/she still had feelings and was going to come back anyway. The problem is that many of such dumpees gave their ex too much power and experienced another breakup. They got dumped again because they thought their ex would love them more if they showed how much the relationship meant to them.

As you probably know, dumpers don’t respect dumpees who initiate conversations and beg for another chance. They find them desperate, disrespectful, and unattractive. Most of the time, it ends badly for dumpees as they bring out the worst in their exes.

Anyway, the no contact rule will save you from embarrassment and maximize your chances of reattracting your long-distance ex. That’s because it will tell your ex that you respect his or her decision and that you won’t try to change his or her mind even though it’s not what you want and feel hurt.

Pain or not, you mustn’t act on emotions and reveal that your heart beats only for your ex. If your ex knows that you want to get back together, your ex will feel pressured by your expectations and unhappiness and tempted to push you away. Once your ex knows that you still have strong feelings, your ex will immediately put you on the back burner.

This implies that your ex will prioritize everyone and everything over you and take his or her sweet time in determining your value and deciding whether to reconcile. When the dumper has options and time to decide what or who to focus on, the dumper simply won’t feel the urgency to get back with you. He or she will feel empowered by you and slowly explore other options.

If your ex’s post-breakup life is decent, your ex probably won’t return. He or she won’t have anything bad to compare the past to and feel nostalgic about.

No contact might help with that, but it won’t necessarily bring back emotions required to reconcile. Consider no contact essential, but not something that will guarantee reconciliation. Your only guarantee of success is the effort you put into self-reflection and growth.

In this post, we’ll explore whether the no contact rule works for long-distance relationships, and how you can utilize it to your advantage.

Does the no contact rule work for long-distance relationships?

The no contact rule works for all types of relationships, including long-distance ones. Regardless of the relationship type, relationship dynamics, and quality of the relationship, no contact is your best bet as it puts the dumper in charge of his or her life and retains your value as a dumpee.

No contact gives your ex the space he or she badly needs to do the things he or she had been meaning to do, while allowing you to identify your flaws and things to work on. Both you and your ex need a break from each other to ease the tension and gain some emotional distance. During the break, you’ll be able to reflect on the relationship and determine what you truly want moving forward.

Don’t just sit at home and do nothing. Figure out if your ex is someone you want in your life or if your ex is just someone you want to be with because you feel rejected. If it’s because you feel rejected, you obviously shouldn’t get back with your ex. Getting back together just because you’re hurt will likely lead to another breakup.

That’s because you and your ex won’t have made changes big enough to think, feel, and act differently. You’ll remain the same as partners and make similar mistakes.

So do no contact and reflect on whether your ex is even the right person for you. You may think that he or she is, but that’s because you’re thinking emotionally, not rationally. When you recover emotionally, you’ll see the relationship from a rational standpoint and know who your ex is and whether he or she can truly make you happy.

During no contact, remind yourself that your ex didn’t leave you any other option. If you stayed in touch with your ex and tried to make your ex feel something for you, you wouldn’t only fail to grow, but also fail to exude strength and independence and inspire your ex to see your romantic potential. No contact is your best and only option.

The quicker you accept that you can’t reason with a detached and determined ex, the quicker you’ll be able to leave reconciliation in fate’s hands.

No contact is just as successful for long-distance relationships as it is for relationships where you live together or nearby. In both cases, it gives you and your ex time to experience life without each other and figure out why the breakup happened. Chatting, acting like friends, and pretending everything’s fine doesn’t fix anything.

It just normalizes post-breakup talking and kills the curiosity, interest, and respect.

The only time the no contact rule doesn’t work or shouldn’t be implemented is when the dumper specifically says that he or she wants to see some growth or changes before he or she decides to recommit. In that case, you should do your best to earn your ex’s trust.

It’s fair to say that most breakups aren’t like that. Most breakups cause a rift between dumpees and dumpers and force them to invest in themselves rather than each other.

Those who refuse to accept the new breakup dynamics and adapt make breakup mistakes and cause more problems than they solve.

So if you’re contemplating whether you should do the no contact rule with your long-distance partner, rest assured that you should. No contact is the only self-imposed rule that will prevent you from looking demanding, insecure, and desperate for a relationship you’re not in a position to be in.

Always remember that no contact has the highest chance of success. It’s certainly much higher than periodically reaching out to your ex and showing that you’re still around. When your ex sees that you’re still available, your ex will get the information he or she needs and move on with a clear conscience.

Your ex will think about you less if you constantly forgive your ex (directly or indirectly) and validate his or her importance.

Also, don’t do just any no contact. Do the indefinite no contact. No contact doesn’t end before your ex returns on his or her own volition, apologizes, presents healthy reconciliation plans, and expresses the desire to reconnect.

If you do no contact for a limited time, you’ll probably catch your ex unprepared and overwhelm your ex with your unmet needs and expectations.

Many dumpers reach out too early because they’re convinced their ex just needs a few weeks to cool off and come back to his or her senses. Such dumpees learn how no contact works the hard way as they see an unreceptive or uncaring side of their ex.

You may not be close enough to visit your ex in person like other dumpees, but you don’t need to see your ex in person. Whether you broke up over the distance or not, your ex currently doesn’t want to see you. Your ex associates negative feelings with you and can’t return your feelings.

For those reasons, you must adhere to the rules of no contact until your ex breaks the silence and gives you something to work with. Don’t forget that no contact ends permanently only under the following two conditions.

1. Your ex wants you back.
2. You don’t want your ex back.

You can temporarily break no contact if you need your stuff back or talk about kids, mortgage, or something important. But as long as you consider your ex a good partner, crave validation, and have feelings for your ex, you must be nowhere near your ex. You must keep your distance and let your ex do the necessary work.

With that said, here’s why you must do no contact even though you were in a long-distance relationship.

When does no contact not work on a long-distance ex?

No contact can work even under the most difficult circumstances, but there are times when it may not work or be as effective.

One of those times is when the dumper resents you and lacks the will, skills, and reasons to forgive and let go. If the dumper is bitter in nature and has poor self-awareness, the dumper probably won’t be affected by your absence and won’t decide to get back together. The dumper will keep perceiving you negatively and holding on to that perception of you for power and control.

When the dumper is incapable of reflection, growth, and forgiveness, the dumper won’t change his or her perception of the dumpee no matter how much the dumpee evolves. In the dumper’s eyes, the dumpee will continue to be the same person who caused pain.

That’s why it’s not your responsibility to change your ex’s perceptions and beliefs. If your ex wants to think you’re the most horrible person on the planet, your ex should think that. But while your ex thinks that, you shouldn’t be near your ex. You should be staying busy and working on detachment.

If you talk to your ex when your ex only sees reasons not to be with you, you’ll feel unattractive and worthless. You’ll regret communicating with your ex and hoping that he or she saves you from the situation you’re in.

Moreover, no contact also doesn’t work on exes who don’t believe in second chances, multiple reconciliations, or getting back together in general. Some dumpers have tried getting back together in the past but experienced unwanted outcomes. As a result, they closed themselves off to the idea of trying again and being vulnerable.

They prefer to start fresh with someone who doesn’t carry any baggage.

Hoping that such exes change their mind won’t just be a waste of time. It will also be disrespectful to you and your ex as it would trigger emotions neither of you wants to feel. You both deserve to heal and be happy. You won’t be happy if you ignore each other’s feelings, needs, priorities, and expectations.

Your ex may also not get affected by no contact much or at all if your ex lives a stable/risk-free life or has good coping mechanisms. Problems are the most common reason dumpers come back after the breakup. When dumpers lack problems or don’t take any risks (especially romantically), they tend not to need their ex and focus on things that are working.

So keep in mind that your long-distance ex needs to encounter some unresolvable problem and/or reflect and realize you were a one-of-a-kind romantic partner. When that happens, your ex will end the no contact rule, profess feelings, and fear getting rejected.

All you have to do is wait for your ex to rediscover your worth.

While you’re waiting, remember that your long-distance ex might not come back if he or she isn’t capable of letting go of resentment and seeing the value you bring to the table. If that happens, tell yourself it’s okay. You’ll eventually get over the breakup and find the happiness you deserve.

Do you think the no contact works for long-distance relationships? Do you notice any differences between normal and long-distance relationships? Post your thoughts in the comments below, and we’ll reply shortly.

However, if you want a quicker and more detailed response, subscribe to private coaching and reach out to us. We’ll analyze your long-distance relationship breakup and look for solutions together.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.