Why Is My Ex Being Nice To Me?

If your ex is being nice to you after breaking up with you, your ex likely wants to ease your pain and suffering. Your ex understands that the breakup has wounded you deeply and that he or she is responsible for how you feel, think, and act. Your ex sees the effects breaking up had on you and hopes to alleviate them by being nice and showing you he or she still cares about you.

Care may not be romantic, but your ex does care non-romantically as a friend. He or she considers you a good person and wants to help you cope with the breakup. By helping you feel better, your ex can hit two birds with one stone. Your ex can help you emotionally and assuage his or her guilty conscience. Your ex doesn’t have to engage in self-blame and think of himself or herself as a bad person.

Not when your ex spends his or her energy and time helping you love yourself.

Most dumpers have limited energy, time, and “niceness” to share. They think it’s time for them to focus on themselves and that their ex must figure out how to recover from the breakup without them. That explains why they tend to disappear from their ex’s life right after the breakup and focus on people or things who empower them and keep them busy.

Oftentimes, they get into new relationships very quickly and don’t care how their ex feels about that. They’re focused solely on how they can benefit from the breakup.

Only the most moral and self-aware individuals care about their ex’s feelings. Such people reach out and send breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs include asking their ex private questions, saying they still love their ex, and being super nice. They want their ex to see they still think about him or her and value his or her emotional investment and time.

This tends to help their ex feel better, but it also gives their ex hope. Hope makes them think they may get back together with their ex and in turn, delays their recovery. The nicer their ex is, the bigger the chance that they mistake their ex’s niceness for romantic feelings and try to get back with their ex. That’s because they fail to notice that their ex has ulterior motives for being kind and that their ex would have told them if he or she wanted to get back together.

Their ex would have expressed regret, pain, and an immense need for forgiveness and validation. When an ex only wants one of these things, the dumper has no desire to get back together. He or she just wants to obtain something from the dumpee and leave the dumpee behind. Usually, the dumper wants forgiveness, friendship, emotional or financial support, or something the dumpee used to provide throughout the relationship.

When the dumpee provides it, the dumper tends to feel satisfied, loses interest completely, and leaves. He or she has no reason to stick around when the dumpee fulfills his or her intentions.

Dumpers can be very sneaky. They can make it seem like they’re reaching out strictly to offer to help their ex, but they don’t mention that they also get to benefit from it. They get something from their ex that they can’t get anywhere else.

Sometimes they feel nostalgic, miss how they felt when the relationship was good, and want to talk about the good times, but other times, they just want to help their ex recover from a painful separation.

When they’re kind and want to help their ex selflessly, they don’t want anything in return. Their goal is to help their ex feel less rejected, confused, anxious, and depressed.

But when they reach out for themselves, they want to lower their guilt and shame and start a new chapter of their life. They hope that by being nice to a person they left, their self-doubt will disappear and be replaced by self-forgiveness and optimism. In other words, they’re being nice not just to help their ex but also (if not mainly) to help themselves.

They want to convince themselves they had no choice but to leave their ex and look for internal happiness elsewhere. If they succeed in convincing themselves, they can forgive themselves for the things they said and did and let go of their ex for good. They want nothing more than to bury the hatchet, be on talking terms with their ex, or stop interacting with their ex.

So if you want to know why your ex is being nice to you all of a sudden (especially after your ex was mean to you during or after the breakup), bear in mind that your ex may want to redeem him/herself. Your ex may want to make things right before he or she is able to leave the past behind and think of him/herself as a moral person.

In this post, we discuss why your ex is being nice to you and how you should respond to it.

Why is my ex being nice to me?

When your ex is being nice to you for no apparent reason, it’s evident that the breakup has finally caught up to your ex. It has shown your ex that his or her (negative) behavior or decisions have affected you and that your ex must now face the consequences of his or her actions. The consequences vary for each person, but typically, they include feelings of guilt and self-doubt.

These feelings compel your ex to stop seeing you as unimportant and give you the recognition you deserve. Since your ex is aware of the value you added to his or her life and thinks you’re a decent person, your ex finally understands you didn’t deserve to suffer as much as you did. You may not be the right person for your ex, but that doesn’t justify the way your ex treated you or the fact that he or she broke your heart and forced you to suffer.

Your ex’s conscience is finally weighing on your ex and making your ex reflect on his or her morality and life choices. It’s making your ex wonder if or why he or she behaved immorally and who he or she truly is. Because your ex is feeling confused and wants to be a good person, your ex is intentionally being nice to you and hoping that his or her niceness alleviates his or her guilty conscience and doubts.

Your ex has no idea that you could think he or she is starting to regret things and come back around.

Therefore, your ex is being nice not to get back together with you (unless your ex is expressing romantic feelings and regrets) but to see how you’re doing (checking up on you) or help you feel better (if your ex thinks or knows you’re in pain). Dumpers always do what’s best for them. If their ex begs and pressures them, they reject their ex and ask for space or help their ex.

Most of the time, they run away from difficult emotions (at least initially) and focus on themselves and others.

When they’re nice and want to help their ex feel better, it’s because they never lost respect for their ex or because they regained it when they experienced something unpleasant and started feeling sorry for themselves. That’s right, exes often become nice when they get the short end of the stick and realize they may be getting punished for their selfish behavior.

That’s when they start reaching out to their ex and doing things right.

Of course, karma isn’t the only reason they reach out and apologize/act nice, but it is one of the most common ones. They also act nice when they process the breakup and reflect—because that’s when the self-conscious dumpers tend to recognize their mistakes and feel bad for turning their ex’s life upside down.

They regret causing their problems and pain rather than leaving their ex.

Other times, they start acting nice when they have something to hide. Something like another dating prospect. When they don’t want their ex to know they left them for someone else or that they’re seeing someone else already, they act nice to avoid raising any suspicion from their ex. Of course, they often end up doing just that. They make their ex wonder why he or she is being nice and unnatural all of a sudden.

Most dumpers who have something to hide still live, work, or talk to their ex. They’re still close to their ex, so they feel they have to hide the fact that they’re happy and moving on. To hide it, they compliment their ex, say nice things to their ex, or perhaps even flirt or sleep with their ex.

They don’t want their ex to give them a hard time, so they say nice things and pretend they still like their ex. In reality, they just don’t like how they feel or how their ex could make them feel by confronting them, so they deceive their ex, hide their secrets, and feel positive emotions and in control of their life for a bit longer.

They merely prolong the inevitable due to the fear of confrontation and lack of morals.

So if your ex is being nice to you and you can’t figure out why, remember that your ex may be trying to save his or her conscience or image. Your ex doesn’t want you or others to know what he or she has said or done to you, so your ex chooses to hide it by being nice to you. Consider it your ex’s way of making amends after damaging your relationship expectations and hurting you.

With that said, here are 7 different possibilities as to why your ex is being nice to you.

What should you do when your ex is being nice to you?

The first thing you should do when your ex is being nice to you is to figure out why your ex is treating you so nicely. Your ex might reveal the reasons on his or her own through words and actions. But if your ex doesn’t, you can ask your ex directly. Ask your ex something like, “Why are you so nice all of a sudden?”

Your ex’s response should tell you whether your ex has an ulterior motive for being nice or if your ex has merely processed the breakup, had a realization, and wants to help you feel better as much as he or she can.

When you learn your ex’s reasons for being nice, you should do something about them. What you should do depends on whether your ex genuinely cares about you or just wants to use you for his or her selfish gain. If your ex wants to use you or gives you tons of anxiety and false hope, it’s better to ask your ex to stop contacting you and start giving you space.

Space will prevent your ex from hurting your romantic expectations and allow you to heal once and for all. The sooner you avoid seeing your ex being nice to you, the sooner you will get your ex out of your system and forget about your ex. So remember that you shouldn’t let your ex keep being so nice to you and think your ex may be on the verge of changing his or her mind about the breakup.

Instead of keeping your hopes high and tolerating friendliness, remind yourself that your ex isn’t your friend and that friendship won’t bring your ex back. It will just get you friend-zoned and cause you dozens of various problems and complications. You’ll feel much better if you get rid of your ex and prevent your ex from making you analyze his or her behavior.

Initially, you will crave your ex’s presence and miss feeling a sense of control, but gradually, you’ll learn to live without your ex. You’ll see that your ex (even if he or she is friendly) causes more problems than he or she solves. When you understand that your ex’s niceness doesn’t have anything to do with wanting you back, you’ll cut your ex off and wonder why you tolerated your ex’s breadcrumbs for so long.

The realization that you deserve better and need to heal will set you free and let you keep your ex out of sight and mind.

So don’t worry about your ex’s behavior. If your ex is too nice, you’ll think or keep thinking you lost an amazing partner and that you’ll never find a match so compatible with you. This kind of thinking will affect your self-esteem, happiness, and the time it takes to lose hope.

My advice is to focus on why the breakup happened. Don’t blame yourself, of course, but do acknowledge your mistakes and hold your ex accountable for his or hers. Closure and self-improvement will help you benefit from the breakup whereas talking to your ex will benefit your ex and waste your valuable time.

Why do you think your ex is being nice to you? When did he or she start acting nice? Comment below and let us know.

And lastly, if you want to chat with us about your ex’s sudden nice behavior, subscribe to breakup coaching. Together, we’ll get to the bottom of your breakup and devise a plan suitable for your unique situation.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.