How To Respond To An Ex Checking Up On You?

When an ex checks up on you, you always want to respond. Your response proves that you respect your ex for taking the time to reach out and talk to you. Even if your ex’s reach out is just a breadcrumb (a non-romantic text), you should acknowledge it rather than ignore it.

Ignoring will make you look disinterested, bitter, and incapable of communicating when or if your ex wants to talk about getting back together. The moment you ignore your ex, your ex will see that you’re holding grudges and that he or she has made the right decision to dump you.

So never ignore your ex and make your ex think that you’re resentful and vengeful. Whether you want your ex back or not, express your thoughts and feelings in a mature and healthy manner. Do that by expressing what kind of communication you’re okay with (no communication is okay too) and make sure your ex understands and respects your request.

Your ex may not like it and may not say it, but your ex will nonetheless appreciate you stating that you don’t want to stay in touch. That’s because you’ll respond to his or her reach out and communicate what you want and don’t want.

Although ignoring would certainly tell your ex that you’re not interested in talking, it wouldn’t win any brownie points.

It would just make you look mean. And when you’re mean on purpose, your ex will stop feeling guilty (if he/she feels any guilt) and start/go back to blaming you for the end of the relationship.

Now that we’ve established that responding to your ex is respectful (not desperate), we must discuss how to respond to an ex checking up on you. What do you say to an ex who’s curious about you and wants to know how you’ve been and what you’ve been up to?

Well, even though responding is a must, no one says you must tell your ex everything about your new life. Revealing your cards will destroy your ex’s built-up curiosity and your post-breakup mystery. It will tell your ex everything he or she wants to know, lower your ex’s interest in you, make you think that your ex is asking questions about you because he or she wants you back (give you hope), and delay your recovery.

Instead of telling your ex everything, I encourage you to give your ex very little information (the less the better). Never reveal your feelings, nostalgia, regrets, and pain. If your ex sees you’re hurt and that you have romantic expectations, your ex could get overwhelmed and stop talking to you.

You probably want your ex to stop reaching out (especially if it’s not about reconciliation), but you don’t want your ex to avoid you because you haven’t healed or made enough emotional progress.

When your ex checks up on you, you want to appear emotionally stable and detached. You want to take control of the conversation and steer it in the desired direction. The reason you want to be in control of the conversation is so you can avoid talking about things you’re not ready to talk about. You basically want your ex to respect your boundaries and follow your lead.

This is how you can avoid pain, overthinking, and emotional setbacks.

My advice is to give generic responses to questions like how are you. You can say “I’ve been okay, staying busy, working a lot, looking after my parents, traveling with friends…” When you’ve answered your ex, it’s in your best interest not to ask any questions back. You don’t want to discover that your ex is doing great and dating someone else.

That will mess you up emotionally for a very long time.

Instead, look for a way to end the conversation and prevent your ex from breadcrumbing you in the future.

In today’s post, we shed some light on how to respond to an ex checking up on you. We discuss different ways to respond to a breadcrumber who doesn’t want you back.

How to respond to an ex checking up on you?

As a dumpee, one of the most important things is to learn how to respond to an ex checking up on you. You need to understand how to deal with breadcrumbs and what to expect so that you can keep your thoughts and anxiety under control when your ex finally reaches out and tries to figure out what you’ve been up to.

You can probably expect your ex to ask all kinds of questions. Some will be personal, such as whether you’re seeing someone, but most will be light. They’ll revolve around your happiness, work, friends, and things that have been keeping you busy.

Your ex will ask you things to see how you’ve been coping with the breakup and if it’s safe to converse with you from time to time.

If you get emotional and guilt-trip your ex into being with you, your ex will probably feel overwhelmed and look for ways to pin the blame on you. Your ex will do anything to stop feeling responsible, stressed, pressured, and uncomfortable.

So bear in mind that your ex’s reachouts aren’t opportunities to tell your ex you’ve grown and become a better romantic partner. They’re opportunities to stand up for yourself, get your power back, and show your ex you don’t need him or her to be happy.

Many dumpees make mistakes when their ex breaks no contact and checks up on them. They can’t control their anxiety and depression, so they try to convince their ex they’re better equipped to be in a serious long-term relationship. Such dumpees do exactly the opposite of what they’re supposed to do.

They fail to impress and reattract their ex and suffer even more as a result.

If you want to increase your chances with your ex, you have to take the breakup seriously and play by the rules; the rules of no contact and the rules of contact.

While your ex is staying away from you, your job is to preserve your worth and get your ex out of your system. And when your ex breaks no contact and reaches out, your job entails respecting your ex, avoiding painful setbacks, and making sure your ex respects your boundaries in the moment and in the future.

You mustn’t let anxiety and desire for validation control you to the point that you make desperate breakup mistakes. Mistakes will not just decrease your ex’s interest in you but also hurt your self-esteem and hope for getting back together.

Before you do something you regret, remember that your ex probably isn’t reaching out to get back together. He or she is just checking up on you and is open for a (quick) chat. If your ex wants you back, your ex will appear scared and be very selective with the words he or she chooses.

Your ex will be cautious because your ex will be afraid of getting rejected and being forced to deal with breakup and non-breakup problems without you.

Always remember that an ex who loves you/wants you back will talk about you most of the time and try to create an atmosphere to reconnect romantically. An ex who’s merely curious about you, however, will be talkative, loud, happy, inquisitive, and unregretful. He or she will have no relationship plans and desire to reconcile.

Don’t entertain such an ex. Engaging with him or her will only prove that you’re still willing to maintain friendship.

The moment you discern your ex is just checking up on you, you should end the conversation and prevent your ex from asking any (further) questions and sharing things you don’t need to know about. You need to do this out of respect for your health and well-being. The sooner you stop your ex from messing with your head, the less anxious you’ll feel and the smoother your recovery process will be.

Those who tolerate exes’ “How are yous” tend to overanalyze their ex’s curiosity and kindness and get their hopes up. They feel so happy their ex is taking an interest in them that they obsess over their ex and stop moving on. Their ex becomes their top priority again, forcing them to look forward to their ex’s next text or call.

If you don’t want to get breadcrumbed and strung along, learn how to respond to an ex checking up on you. By learning about dumpers’ breadcrumbs and ways to respond to them, you’ll save yourself a ton of effort, time, and pain. You’ll handle your ex’s reach-outs in a way that is best for you, not your ex.

Your ex will have to deal with curiosity, guilt, or shame in some other way without you.

With that said, here are my tips on how to respond to an ex checking up on you.

Actual examples of how to respond to a dumper breaking no contact

Try not to worry too much about finding the perfect way to respond to your ex. You probably don’t want to hurt and offend the dumper, but that’s okay. Nothing you say or do will hurt your ex more than he or she has already hurt you. Your response to his/her reach out won’t cause any pain and make things worse as long as you respect your ex and express yourself politely.

You can say something like:

1. “Hey, What’s up?” I appreciate you checking up on me, but I’m not ready to be friends. Please don’t contact me unless it’s an emergency.
2. “Hey. Thanks for checking up on me. I’m doing good/okay/great. I’m heading out now, so talk later.” You can use this example if you’re genuinely busy and don’t have the time to chat.
3. “Hi, how come you’ve reached out?” After being told that your ex was, bored, curious, or guilty, let your ex know that he or she has nothing to worry about and that you’re moving on and focusing on yourself. Tell your ex you’d like to keep doing that and ask him or her not to reach out anymore.
4. “Hey, the kids will stay at my mom’s for the weekend. I’ll bring them back on Sunday evening.” Use this specific example if your ex is reaching out indirectly by asking about the kids.
5. “Hi, I’ve been busy but good. Hope you’re well too.” Avoid asking (too many) questions back.
6. “Hey, I remember the song. We used to listen to it in the car. Anyway, I hope you’re doing okay. “If your ex makes it look like he or she is reaching out about a song or something other than reconciliation, acknowledge your ex and end the conversation politely.
7. “Hey, Alex. It’s nice to hear from you. I want to be friends one day, but not now. I’m not ready. Take care.”

Make the responses non-engaging, but curtuous at the same time. It will show that you’re not interested in talking unless it’s about getting back together and working on the relationship. Don’t tell your ex to reach out only if he/she wants you back. That will make it look like you’re still waiting for your ex to change his or her mind and take you back.

Always project a strong, independent image. Show your ex you’re moving on and no longer interested in talking and pretending to be friends. Do this by acting like an ex rather than a friend. If you act like a friend, your ex will think you’re ready and willing to communicate about things friends communicate about.

And that’s not good because you’ll encourage your ex to keep reaching out and confusing you. You’ll give yourself reasons to stay hopeful and mess up your healing.

So make sure to handle breadcrumbs from an ex the right way. Make sure to respond in such a way that your ex respects you, feels respected, and stops checking up on you directly – by reaching out to you. If your ex wants to check up on you, your ex can do so on social media, through mutual friends, or in any manner that doesn’t give you anxiety.

When it comes to responding to an ex checking up on you, you only have to remember a few things.

1. Your ex isn’t reaching out to get back together.
2. Your responses won’t change your ex’s feelings and the decision to leave.
3. Your priority is to avoid pain and ensure your own well-being.

Your ex can figure out how to deal with guilt and other unpleasant emotions without you. If he or she can’t, it’s not your problem. You have to be firm and keep your ex away from you at any cost. The less tolerant you are with your ex, the quicker you can expect to recover.

What do you consider a good way to respond to an ex checking up on you? Do you think you should talk to your ex and ask questions back? Share your thoughts below the post.

And if you’re looking for 1-on-1 guidance with your breakup, get in touch with us here.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.