Many dumpees receive friendship invitations from their ex after no contact and have no idea what to do with them. They generally consider them a good sign because they finally heard from their ex and think their ex is on the way back to them.
Only a small fraction of people understand that friendship invitations usually have nothing to do with the dumper coming back.
They just show that dumpers had some time to process their thoughts and emotions and that they want their ex back in their life only as a friend. That way, they get to keep the person they’d spent a lot of time with in the past and absolve themselves of responsibilities for their actions and behavior.
In other words, dumpers can have the best of both worlds (relationships without commitment) whereas dumpees are left to wonder if there’s any chance to save the relationship and feel loved again.
It sucks that dumpees get hopeful after no contact when their ex decides to stay friends, but that’s the way dumpees feel. As long as they’re hurt and anxious, they look for signs that their ex wants them back and analyze everything their ex says and does.
By analyzing their ex, they create a story they like and set their expectations so high that they become emotionally dependent on things going their way. They can’t afford them not to go their way because they’d lose too much hope at once and receive a blow to their ego.
Because dumpers usually want to be friends after no contact just to be on good terms, many dumpees soon realize that accepting friendship was a bad idea. Their heart still longs for their ex, so staying in touch with their ex makes them think about their ex too much and gives them unnecessary anxiety.
That’s why so many dumpees eventually break the friendship agreement and go back to no contact. They just don’t see the point in speaking with their ex when they’re still processing the breakup and need more time to disconnect from their ex.
So if your ex wants to be friends after no contact and you’re wondering what you should do, keep in mind that you don’t have to be friends with your ex if you don’t want to be friends. If you’re still picking up the pieces, forcing friendship would be a big mistake as it’s something your ex wants and not what you need.
You need to make decisions that will help you recover from the breakup, not make you even more attached to your ex. Do that by asking yourself whether talking with your ex would benefit you today (not in the future) and if your ex has your best interests at heart.
Your ex may truly want the best for you, but you have to understand that your ex doesn’t want the same kind of relationship you want. You want a romantic relationship and your ex wants friendship. This means you live in two different worlds with completely different hopes and dreams.
If you expect romance to blossom out of the friendship, your ex will feel it and push you away. That will make you feel rejected again and destroy your expectations. So be careful what you wish for. Don’t settle for friendship just because your ex wants it.
You probably aren’t ready for it yet and shouldn’t accept it, thinking that your ex could see your improvements and realize the value you bring to the table. If your ex didn’t realize your worth before offering friendship, it’s unlikely that he or she will realize it as your friend.
Of course, it could happen someday in the future because sometimes exes date other people and fail with them. But the way things are right now, it’s completely unnecessary to put yourself through self-torture while your ex is dating other people and being intimate with them.
You’ll be much happier if you don’t know what your ex is doing and avoid friendship with your ex. Ignorance is bliss.
This article will answer the question, “What to do if your ex wants to be friends after no contact?” We’ll discuss why your ex is ready to be friends and what your options are.
Why does my ex want to be friends after no contact?
If you were expecting your ex to come back the moment your ex broke no contact, you were hoping for the best-case scenario. You wanted your ex to leave you alone until he or she realized your worth and wanted you back.
Although the idea was great, you had, unfortunately, put too much hope on your ex breaking no contact. You thought your ex would either leave you alone forever or message/call you to get back with you. But this black or white plan, unfortunately, didn’t go that smoothly. It usually doesn’t because most dumpers break no contact to breadcrumb their exes with meaningless things.
They have nothing important to say because they want to appease guilt, see what their ex is doing and feeling, and try to be friends. Their reach-outs are about themselves rather than their broken-hearted dumpee, so we could say that they reach out for selfish reasons.
For reasons that inadvertently give dumpees false hope and make them wonder why their exes are reaching out.
If you wonder why your ex wants to be friends after no contact rather than your partner, the explanation you’re looking for is simpler than you may think. It’s because your ex hasn’t developed romantic feelings yet. This might sting a bit, but your ex doesn’t love you and just wants to get the most out of life by downgrading the romantic relationship to friendship.
Your ex wants to keep you in his or her life as the second-best thing.
It probably took your ex a while to process negative breakup emotions and ask for friendship, but your ex needed to spend some time away from you to appreciate your personality and the things you did and could continue to do for him or her in the future.
Time allowed your ex to work through negative emotions and encouraged your ex to engage in retrospection. Now that your ex reached out and expressed an interest in being friends, you have to figure out why your ex wants to be friends.
Is it because your ex likes you as a person and thinks that he or she can benefit from friendship or because your ex wants to get unwanted emotions such as guilt, shame, or anxiety out of his or her system and feel relieved because of it?
Before we talk about what you should do when your ex wants to keep you around as just a friend, let’s first look at some reasons your ex wants to be friends after no contact.
What to do when your ex wants to be friends after no contact?
When your ex offers you friendship, you have a few questions to ask yourself.
- Are you over your ex and ready for friendship?
- Do you even want friendship? Do you respect your ex and the way your ex handled the breakup?
- Why does your ex want friendship? What can he/she gain from it?
It’s important that you get answers to these questions as they could help you make good rational decisions. They could encourage you to think things through and dissuade you from making emotional decisions that would confuse you and/or increase your suffering.
If you don’t have all the answers you need yet, you can simply ask your ex to explain why he or she thinks that friendship would be a good idea. Your ex will probably tell you that you were friends before or that he or she would like to keep in touch with you and do what friends do.
If company or support is what you need or if you’re over your ex and respect your ex, you can agree to friendship and communicate freely without expectations. It’s okay to be friends with an ex when you don’t need or want your ex back anymore.
But if talking to your ex still gives you anxiety and you’re afraid that your ex could tell you about his or her new dating life, then it’s better that you stay far away from your ex. Say that you’re not ready for friendship and that you’ll reach out if you change your mind in the future. That should tell your ex that you’re not open to friendship and that you (not your ex) will reach out if you decide to be friends.
Many dumpees are reluctant to say no to their ex because they’re afraid they’ll anger or disappoint their ex and ruin their chances. They don’t know that their chances of success will be much lower if they stay in contact with their ex.
This is because they’ll be too available to their ex and eventually say or show that they’re still interested in dating. This will push their ex into a corner and make their ex much less receptive.
So if your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend wants to be friends after no contact and you’re still recovering from the breakup, I strongly encourage you not to be your ex’s friend. It’s too early to be friends because your ex still controls your thoughts and emotions.
You need to wait until you regain your emotional independence and rationality to see your ex as just a normal person. That’s when you can decide whether your ex is even worthy of being your friend.
Look, all dumpers should be forgiven for their mistakes and unhealthy behavior because forgiving people for leaving you and hurting you is good for your well-being and personal growth. But that doesn’t mean that all dumpers deserve friendship.
Those who treated you poorly during or after the breakup probably don’t deserve your attention. Not unless they apologize from the bottom of their heart and prove they’re working hard on improving themselves.
Don’t fall for friendship excuses
Dumpers oftentimes try to downplay the breakup and say things like:
- let’s just stay friends and see how it goes
- we might get back together later
- we’ve known each other for years
- I don’t want to lose you
- what’s the worst that could happen?
They completely disregard your feelings and make it seem like friendship after the breakup is normal and a healthy thing to do. You mustn’t fall for their persuasion tactics because deep inside, you already know that friendship isn’t what you want.
You may want it a year from now or at some point in the future after you’ve recovered, but at this moment (while you’re hurting and want your ex back), friendship is one of the most unhealthy and unsympathetic offers your ex could give you. The only thing that would hurt you more than that is a friends-with-benefits relationship.
After the breakup, your dumper ex could use various techniques to convince you to give friendship a try.
He or she could try to guilt-trip you, tell you that you’re important, or perhaps even say that he or she still loves you and can’t see a future without you in it. Such comments may feel good, but they don’t help you detach from your ex and get back on your feet.
They just give you lots of false hope and make you wait for your ex to have a change of heart.
So do your best not to fall for your ex’s persuasion tactics no matter how long your relationship was and how badly your ex wants to stay friends with you. If you already got closure, you’ll heal faster and make your ex respect you more if you don’t do what your ex wants but do what you want.
Do exes come back after no contact?
Exes come back after no contact. But they don’t come back when you break no contact or when they feel a little bit nostalgic. You have to understand that exes need a reason to return. Guilt, curiosity, boredom, and a bit of stress aren’t valid reasons.
Dumpers need something else. Some kind of realization that the relationship they had with you was better than the relationship or life they had after you.
That’s the only way exes can come back after no contact and stay committed to you as well.
So rest assured that exes come back after no contact. But to come back, something must go wrong for them, hurt them, and cause them to engage in retrospection and reflect on the relationship.
They normally don’t want their dumpees back the moment they reach out. They come back months or years later if they feel miserable and regretful.
Did your ex ask to be friends after no contact? What was your response? Post your comment below the post.
And if you’re looking for breakup guidance and want our help, check out our coaching options.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hey,
I have a different situation where a guy I pursued rejected me and now after 3 months of no contact, texted to say he dreamt of me. I figure he’s lying because he’s told me before he never dreams and this is just an icebreaker but he says he wants to be friends now and remain in contact with me. I don’t want him in the feverish way I did but this article has me pondering his intentions which have never been clear in all the time we’ve known each other. He mentioned that friends of his have passed away and he doesn’t want to lose anyone else and that’s his reason for texting me again but idk. He has many friends that have passed away before and after we entered our nothing relationship, I don’t see how that’s any reason to befriend me when he didn’t find me to be a worthwhile person before I cut off contact with him. I see the underlying message in your article is that the dumper isn’t an evil person or that an ex wanting to peer into your life after no contact isn’t a bad person, that it is only human to be curious and selfish and self-interested and in need of validation and any of a million human impulses. It would just make things simple if it were clear what an ex’s intentions are.
Hi Alondra.
As he mentioned, he’s afraid of losing people he knows and is close to. He wants to keep them in his life as friends. You needn’t be his friend if you don’t want to. You can tell him you’re not ready and that you’ll let him know if you change your mind. He’s not a bad person for wanting to be your friend, but he should know how friendshp makes you feel. He should know that it hurts you and makes it harder to let go of the relationship.
Kind regards,
Zan
My boyfriend and I broke up two days ago. He gave me all those rubbish excuses: I’m a good girl but I’m too emotional and romantic. I know that I’m not but he’s so emotionally unavailable that whatever I say (like calling him babe) will make him think I’m romantic. We’ve known each other for 8 years. We’ve been on/off as friends and this year we decided to be together since he’s been asking to marry me for 3 years. Anyway, after telling me that he’d prefer to keep me as a friend, I first said to him that I didn’t want to be friends and it all ends here. It came as a surprise to him and he begged me to remain friends, telling me “I would hate to remove you from life” “I don’t want to remove you from my life” “be my friend” “be my very good friend”. I just don’t get it why begging me to be his friend if he didn’t appreciate me as a girlfriend? I have a feeling that he does have feelings for me but he’s scared. Anyway, he asked again if I thought about it and I just said that I needed time. I’m not sure what to do.
Hi Sofia.
The guy wants the best of both worlds. He doesn’t want to commit romantically because he wants friendship. You better not settle for it because you’ll once again be sacrificing your wants and needs for his. It’s time to cut him off and show him you’re an all-or-nothing kind of girl.
Sincerely,
Zan
I recently had an ex contact me after 10 years of no contact. we had dated in our early 20s now we are in our mid 30s. the relationship had lasted about 1.5 yrs. he was the one to break it off and for me it was very hard. now that i reflect on our relationship that we had it was not a good one, there may have been times that were good but the whole relationship was not. i am happily married now and have a family, i am in no way wanting him back in a romantic way and truly would like to make the friendship work. but like i said there where many negative experiences in the relationship, i am left full of anxiety.
Hi Rachel.
I’m glad you’re in a happier and healthier relationship now. Your ex probably isn’t doing that well and wanted to see what you were doing or if you were open to getting back together. You don’t need to communicate with him if you don’t want to.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’ve been no contact for quite some time now. My ex came back and suggested friendship. I’m a very idealistic person and love happy endings so I agreed in a very enthusiastic way. Even though this person hurt and betrayed me it has been 2 years since our break up. We’ve been in contact for about a week now and the first day he was eager, now he will take several hours 3/4h to respond to my messages. He will post on social media but not respond. He seems quite distant. I thought I was over the whole thing but the constant checking has made me realise that i’m not. I do not want to say that I suddenly do not want to be friends again, as I don’t want to make it seem like i’m not over him. So what shall I do instead?
Hi Starfire.
Don’t like your pride or the fear of losing this person get in the way of doing the right thing. If you’re not ready for friendship (especially this kind of friendship), you should stop communicating with him. He probably won’t reach out. But if he does, then you’ll have to show him and tell him you’re not interested in being friends with him. There is no other way.
Best regards,
Zan
hey starfire i have a vv similar situation, i lmk this is weird but i was hoping to ask what has happened since. i’ve looked all over the internet for somethin similar and yours hits close to home. i’m still not over her but after two years of no contact she wanted to be friends. after texting for 3 days now she takes 10 hours to respond and i don’t even know why she wanted a friendship if she doesn’t put in effort. i’m not desperate for affection but hers meant a lot to me so i guess i’m a fool.
I’m in this very situation. She dumped me saying that she started dating someone else (Not sure if that’s true or not. She’s the kind of person that never tells you the full story, I’m not sure why). I went to no contact from the very next day.
She reached out two months later for my birthday. I wished her for Easter. Nothing else happened until one week later she randomly texted me asking me how I was doing. I exchanged few messages and then told her to set a call for the weekend. She refused stating that she needed to rest in the weekend. I told her to let me know when she cleared her schedule and stopped talking to her. The following weekend she called me out of the blue. This happened for the following two weekends. She always refused to set a day and a time for the call (I’m not sure why) but then call me out of the blue.
The last time she called me, it was like 1 a.m. for her. First she said she was at her place and later on she said she was in an hotel with some other colleagues. She asked me if I was seeing someone else. I dodged the question on purpose since she didn’t say anything about the alleged other dude for whom she dumped me for.
At that point she said that one colleague was supposed to share the room with her but ended up in another room. She referred to this colleague at times as a “he” and at times as a “she”…
This got under my skin. I was really pissed off. I felt like she was rubbing at my face that she was sleeping with someone else! I closed the call almost immediately. A friend told me she may have done this to make me jealous.
Since then she stopped call me. I sent her some messages to know if she has settle this issue and it took her days to answer back.
I’ve asked her to set a call for the following weekend and she ghosted me.
I was pissed and I told her I didn’t like her behavior. She apologized and said she didn’t want to ghost me and she is just too busy with her job (She always uses this excuse). She added that she thought we are friends…
I told her, in my last messages, that I don’t know why she reached out after two months of radio silence, that I have no idea what’s she’s been up to in these months, that I wasn’t happy to discover that she started dating another dude behind my back and, finally, that this summer I’ll very close to where she leaves and I still would like to meet her and let me know if she is interested.
She ghosted me once again.
(In the meantime she suddenly made her Facebook profile visible. I don’t know how, but something told me to look for it once again and I found her. The only info she made visible to stranger was her relationship status where she put “Single”. Few weeks later, she hided her profile once again. I have no idea why she is doing all this)
Hi Marco.
She probably wants to keep you around to some degree. But no matter what she wants, it’s evident she doesn’t want you back and that you need to cut her off. By the looks of it, she cheated on you and then dumped you to be with that guy or to be commitment-free and date people.
Kind regards,
Zan
Yes, that what I thought even if that’s shocking considering how she depicted herself to me for over a year.
I asked her to tell me the truth, to tell me what she’s been up to and she simply didn’t answer to my question… Still she reaches out, every now and then, and even ask me if I’m seeing someone else and seems irritated when I’m not always there ready available for her.
I’ve never been through so much pain as in these last six months. I really loved her and she throw me away like garbage.
I don’t even understand why would a person waste over a year of her life to talk to you everyday and call you every weekend, just to throw everything away with ease when she finds someone else.
And if she found someone else, why is she reaching out? She knows I don’t want friendship and she knows I would like to meet her. How wants to spend hours talking on the phone but doesn’t want to meet me.
When I ask her to tell me what she’s been up to in these months and that in August I’d like to meet her, she just stops answering and ghost me for days and weeks. She will then reappear as if nothing happened and don’t say a word about the issues I’ve raised.
The last time she did that, I waited for 10 days to answer back to her messages. She reacted by not answering to me for days. I’m still waiting for her to answered back.
Considering all these, what’s the best thing to do? Should I just text her and say goodbye for ever?
Is there a way I can get the truth from her? Should I simply block her without any closure?
I can’t believe we reached this point. Seven or eight months ago I was just looking forward to this summer to finally be able to meet her in person and now I’m here wondering if I should just block her. I used to think that she was a nice, honest, decent girl and now I feel like I’m a fool.
Do you think she changed through time or she simply pretended to be a nice and honest woman for over a year, just to take of the mask one year later?
Sorry to hear that she discarded you like nothing, Marco.
This tells you that she wasn’t as committed as you’d thought. The moment she found someone else, she fell for him and did what felt right to her. She might just want to be on good terms with you and appease her guilt. Don’t be her friend if you don’t respect what she did and if you’re not emotionally ready.
Stop asking her to meet up with you. Go no contact and give her relationship space. You don’even need to say goodbye. Just cut her off and focus on herself. It will be hard at first, but you can do it, Marco.
She didn’t change over time. She just showed you how she dealt with temptations.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago after 8 months of long distance in a 3+ years relationship. The long distance was my “fault” as I went for a master abroad and we saw each other just for a few weeks in total. This brought up anxiety in her, jealousy, and constant sadness with ups and downs. I was mostly fine, I knew she loved me and I am simply studying most of the time. She could not handle it anymore. She said we where becoming too different and there was no point in keep trying long distance since I wanted to work abroad at least for one year after the master.
When she broke up she asked to be friends and I told her I felt it wrong and needed time to think about it. She told me she would have liked at least to know if I am doing well or not even if we do not stay friends and I decide to cancel her from social media. It has been just 2 weeks, but I realized that part of my boldness to stay abroad came from her support. Even the week before we broke up I was saying to people from the country I am studying in that I felt like this was not my place in the world and wanted to move back home.
I also told this to her the week before breaking up (she took a few days of NC to understand what she really wanted to do), but she felt like I was saying it just to change her mind since it was the first time I said it in 9 months. and that she needed to be alone and deal with her problems and insecurities. I still have not answered her about the friendship and I was thinking to stay NC until at least one month. I might discover that I moved on and I can be friend with her or that I have not and simply want to give her an answer (I have never been friends with an ex, I find it pointless).
She is waiting for me to answer so she would not break NC to ask again if we can be friends (I guess). However, I know I cannot be friend with her probably not even in the future and I am just waiting to understand if there is any possibility of getting back together coming from a friendship. Anyway, I also worry about the possibility of moving back in a few months and maybe ask her out just to discover she is seeing someone else, or simply that she does not want to go out even as friends and that I cannot win her back anyway.
Hi Dan.
You don’t need to be friends with her if you’re not ready. I suggest that you stay in no contact for now and tell her you’re not ready to be friends if she reaches out. That’s when you can explain that it’s got nothing to do with her and that you’d like some time to yourself.
If she’s waiting for your answer, you can also tell her or just stay in no contact. No contact will tell her you’re not ready for friendship yet.
Hang in there!
Zan
Thanks for your answer Zan,
Have a good day!
Hi Zan,
This article is about ex wanting to be friends “After No Contact”.
What if they wanted to be friends “Before No Contact”, which was actually one of the reasons No Contact was started?
Would it somehow make sense to them in their head to come back and try to offer friendship again “After No Contact”? Or, in this case, would the No Contact help them realize that the stakes are higher and they should break it only if they have something meaningful to say beyond friendship and breadcrumbs?
Thank you for your insight.
AC
Hi AC.
Dumpers sometimes want to stay friends right after the breakup. Sometimes they mean it and other times they just throw it out there out of pity. If they really want friendship, they may reach out even if you informed them you started no contact. But usually, they don’t because they know you want space. It doesn’t matter whether they wanted friendship right after the breakup, 30 days after, or when you tell them you need space. Until they realize your worth, they mustn’t interact with you.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
This article you created was spot on–100% spot on. While reading your article, for a second I thought you were the fly on my wall. I was in a 5 yrs relationship, I was dumped by bf for no apparent logical reason–completely blindsided. Its been 2 yrs since he dumped me–still healing, its not easy–so many lies. Late last year, we talked and he acted like there may be some sought of hope with him and I, but take it slow, kind of talk.
What you discussed in this article happened from the beginning to the end to me. I decided to cut off the friendship by telling him earlier this year. I couldn’t take the present and not present persona he was giving me, it was rude and hurtful. I eternalized it to the point I was depressed. Its been 3 months since NC, although I have down days, I have made progress by keeping myself busy. I am more at peace with my decision ending the so-called friendship and at the same time. He was giving me crumbs and I was yearning for more and became desperate. Now I am slowly enjoying my single care free life, no longer wondering, if he will text or call me…who cares…lol…I am doing me<3
Thanks Zan!!!!
Hi Charlie.
I’m proud of you for cutting your ex off. Now you can finally heal and worry about your wants and needs. Sure, you still think about the guy from time to time, but this will continue to decrease with time. Just stay in no contact and everything will be alright, Charlie!
Best,
Zan
Strange one this. My ex is giving me the last of the money she owes me this weekend. She’s been messaging only about money and very formal messages but always her to contact first.
This week she messages to say she has found my daughters bag which she lost 11 months ago. We never went to her home and if it was left in her car, you would have expected it to be found before now.
She offered to drop it to me at home and I declined saying she could post it to me. She said it’ll cost quite a lot. I replied take it off you owe me.
I can’t help thinking she’s held onto it for an excuse to contact me. My fear is now that she’ll delay sending the bag.
I just want this all to end. She isn’t coming back as it’s been 5 months since she broke up with me. She has not asked for a conversation or anything. Just want to move on.
What do you think Zan? Is this a case of an ex not wanting to let go? She’s the dumper! The bag wasn’t lost in a car for 11 months. Weird
Hi Jaytee.
She’s probably looking for excuses to stay in touch with you. You’re not paying any attention to her, so she’s a bit nostalgic and wants to keep you around as a friend. Soon, this will all be over, Jaytee. If you want it to be over sooner, you should also tell her you don’t want to talk with her. Don’t worry about how she’ll take it. You won’t be mean to her if you ask for space to focus on yourself.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan!
I have finally received the last of my money owed by my ex.
I received it over 2 weeks ago.
I am still not in receipt of my daughters bag. I told my ex to post it when she attempted to bring it to me. I want to remain in no contact so I don’t want to chase her for it. I would leave it but it has my daughters possessions in it.
Shall I play the waiting game for now? I don’t really understand why my ex is hanging onto it!
The return of the money was supposed to spell the end of this saga and now the bag is hanging over me!
How do I handle this? I told you above I think the bag was kept as an excuse to reach out. I’ve shut the door in her face regarding the meet up as I don’t want a set back but is that a solution ?
Very confused!
Hi Jaytee.
Do you think you could do without the bag for now? Your daughter probably doesn’t need it urgently, so it may be best to let it go for now. Your well-being is more important than the bag.
Let me know if that’s an option.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan
Yes, We could do without the bag but it’s playing on my mind. It’s like that is my closure. The last of the contact. She notified me 3 weeks ago about it so why not send it and we can move on!
It’s got an expensive camera in it and my daughters birthday money. It’s not actually the bag itself. It’s the fact I’m being strong along more when I should be moving on now or trying to. It’s been 5 months and each time I go into no contact there’s a message from her about money or bag etc. i love her intensely and am trying to detach from her but this isn’t helping me. 5 months after our break up I’m still not over her for fact she owed money etc: it’s unfair!
I don’t want to contact her as I think that isn’t good for me but psychologically she’s hurting me with not giving closure.
She makes me feel like she doesn’t want to let me go and excuses etc. i don’t know but I’m confused and she’s a lying cheating manipulator. But love is stupid and I hold out hope this bag is her not wanting to lose me
I want closure but I’m mixed up
Hi Jaytee.
I know it’s hurting you, but if you need the bag back, involve her parents or your/her friends. That way, you won’t have to interact with her directly. You’ll get closure whether she sends the bag or not. Try not to think about it so much that it bothers you.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
I’ve been in NC for about 10 months. In those 10 months I saw my ex once 6 months ago at a mutual friend’s wedding (we both behaved friendly with very few exchanges here and there and absolutely no drama) and went back to NC again.
Couple of months ago my ex contacted me to ask if she can see my dog (we got the dog while we were still living together) and maybe have a coffee if I was willing at all. At that time I’ve just sent the dog to my parents for couple of weeks since I was going on a holiday abroad and told her to message me again in a few weeks and maybe we can arrange something.
Last week so 2+ months later shte texts me again asking about the dog but again I’ve just sent the dog to my parents for a bit since I am switching appartments right now lol and she replied that she will be happy to meet just with me (that’s why I assumed she was usuing the dog as an excuse to meet).
We went out few days later and it was okay. She seemed a bit nostalgic and started a few nostalgic convos like remember when we were travelling somewhere or doing something plus told me about her family and job but nothing special. I kept my cards close to myself and didn’t talk too much, just a few new things about myself without bragging. Nothing about breakup, getting back together or anything like this. After that she mentioned that next time we should go for drinks after dinner and we said goodbye.
We were together for 4yrs and lived together 3years but during Covid lockdowns we were both working from home and spending 24hrs a day with each other so that started to affect our relationship. We are both very outgoing people with a huge social circle so staying at home and not going out or travelling anywhere was further affecting us plus she started getting panic attacks and anxiety attacks due to Covid. At some point she said she doesn’t know how she feels about me and our relationship or what she wants in the future even said that in order to love someone you need to love yourself first but right now she hates the person she has become.
I did not oppose the breakup, just said that I do not want that and still love her but accept the situation. She took some stuff and immediately left to stayed with a friend of hers for a week or two until she found a new flat. I helped her move her stuff and that was pretty much it. 1st few months some of out mutual friends felt they need to tell me that she is not dating or seeing anyone (so no monkey branching) but I had to ask them to stop informing me about her because I didn’t want to know.
My question is why is she contacting me right now, doesn’t seem like she is trying to get back with me otherwise she wouldn’t have waited for 2+ months between contacts. I do not want to be friends and I am not friends with any of my exes but since we had a clean respecful breakup I’m willing to give her a 2nd chance if she wins my trust back (I was loyal till the very end so there is no question about my loyalty) and proves next time she won’t quit when things get a bit rough like during lockdowns.
Do you think that if she contacts me again (I will definately not do it) I should be straight and ask why does she wants to see me. Maybe I should have done that before accepting her 1st invitation to go out and decide if I should do it depending on her answer because I am 100% sure I do not want to be friends. Either she apologizes and asks me back or I just walk. I think it’s stupid to just go out and reminisce about stuff and we both pretend that nothing happened etc.
Hi SP.
Thanks for writing your story. It appears that your ex is a bit nostalgic and perhaps even lonely. Something’s not going the way she hoped it would, so she contacted you and tried to have some deep conversations with you. From what I can tell, she wasn’t open to getting back with you otherwise she would have brought it up already. It’s been 2 months, so you should probably stop hanging out with her. You don’t even need to ask her why she reached out. She probably just misses the friendship aspect of the romantic relationship.
Ask her you’re not ready to be friends next time she contacts you and that you’ll let her know when you are.
Best regards,
Zan
The thing with every new article of you Zan it’s that I get a lot of new knowledge about dynamic from different perspective.
After the breakup my ex wanted just to be in contact but with Zan help I didn’t settle for friendship because my ex wanted it and I was so hurt and didn’t had best interests in his heart.
And now i’m super glad that I did that because i’m healed.
Thank you Zan 🫶🏻
Love reading all your comments Linda, I too just had confirmation from my 3 month ex husband that he wants to be on friendly terms. I do NC other that to discuss kids which unfortunately is every other day. Thanks to Zan I had the strength to tell him it’s not friendship I want right now but maybe in the future. I hope like you in time I’ll be healed and want yearn for him to come home and change
Avoiding friendship and going no contact was the best thing you did after the breakup, Linda.
I’m proud of you and happy for you for that.
Best regards,
Zan