First of all, the no contact rule works in many situations. It works on men, women, and those who don’t identify themselves as either gender. The success of no contact isn’t based on gender, but rather on the quality of the relationship, the mistakes dumpees make, the way dumpers are, and what happens to them after the breakup.
This means that there are a few exceptions to the no contact rule. For example, the no contact rule might not work when the relationship suffered from emotional or physical abuse, cheating, narcissism, stonewalling, etc. In such cases, talking or not talking to your ex probably won’t make much of a difference.
It won’t be able to because your ex has associated negative feelings with you and doesn’t want to let his guard down. He wants to see you the way he does now because doing so makes your ex feel victimized and gives your ex control of a situation he previously couldn’t control.
But no matter how much you neglected or hurt your ex, the no contact rule is still your best option. It’s the only option because when a guy gives up on the relationship, he also gives up on you. He disconnects emotionally and can no longer be talked back into a relationship with you.
If you try to reason with him, you’ll probably irritate him because you’ll show him you have no respect for him as well as yourself.
So start no contact with your ex-boyfriend regardless of what the relationship was like and how it ended. If you’re no longer together, it doesn’t leave you with any other options. You must give the guy a chance to process the breakup naturally at the speed he’s comfortable with and allow the power of no contact to give him a reason to reach out.
A reason could be anything from curiosity, boredom, and guilt to anxiety, fear, worries, and depression. You don’t know when or if your ex will experience any of these predicaments, but I can tell you that your ex won’t message you if you refuse to let him go and ruin your worth in his eyes.
If you message and call your ex, all you’ll do is show that you lack the strength to handle the breakup and that you need him or her to help you cope with things you should not be relying on him for.
Today, we’re going to discuss whether no contact works on men. We’ll talk about what your ex needs for it to work and how you can maximize your chances of success.
Why does no contact work on men?
No contact works on men because men can get hurt, sad, depressed, and anxious just like women. They can run into problems and experience unpleasant emotions that make them seek solace in people they used to be close to.
The person your ex wants to confide in and rely on can be you.
But you must stay in no contact and let your ex be as free as the bird. Don’t text your ex and check up on your ex. You can’t know what your ex is doing because the more you know, the more you’ll want to reach out and persuade your ex into being with you.
The time after the breakup is time for no contact. It’s time for the power of silence to show your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband that you’re a strong self-sufficient person and that no matter what your ex says or does now that you went separate ways, you’re not going to abandon your pride and beg and plead.
Not only does your ex not want you to plead for a second chance, but he also can’t handle your pleading. He wouldn’t know what to do with your pleas because he’d feel smothered and overwhelmed.
Don’t think about being your ex’s friend either. Friendship will get you friend-zoned and strung along for months. It’s better for you to learn more about the rules of no contact so that you can let your ex get the space he needs and have fewer reasons to think negatively about you.
Once your ex has had enough space, your ex could reach out to you and try to get something out of you.
You need to feel in control of your life and be emotionally prepared for that so that you know how to respond to breadcrumbs from your ex maturely and confidently. For example, showing too much interest or asking your ex to get back with you the moment you hear from your ex could make your ex feel unsafe and repel your ex.
So don’t think of the first text after no contact as the end of no contact. No contact stops when your ex wants you back or when you no longer emotionally depend on your ex. That’s when you can decide what the next best thing to do is.
But until then, you have to keep in mind that no contact works on men. It gives them time to process the breakup and allows them to think about you when they’re bored, lonely, sad or when something or someone reminds them of you.
Of course, how they think about you during no contact depends on the things happening to them. But generally speaking, the more time goes by and the less luck they have in their personal, professional, and romantic lives, the bigger the chances that they’ll miss you and want you in their lives again.
Your job as a dumpee is to be patient and wait. Wait not just for your ex to say hello but to actually want you back. That’s when you’ll get a chance to take your lost power and control back and set the pace for the whole reconciliation process.
With that said, here’s when no contact works on men.
Does no contact work on stubborn men?
No contact works on all kinds of men, including stubborn men. It’s not about how stubborn they are but how good their self-esteem, confidence, coping mechanism, relationship skills, and maturity are. These things determine whether they’re capable of failing badly and getting hurt by their failures.
If they can get hurt, chances are that they’ll look for quick solutions to end their suffering. They could come running back to you because you’ll remain strong in their eyes by refusing to chase them.
Stubbornness doesn’t prevent dumpers from reaching out as many dumpees assume. The only dumpers that don’t reach out because of stubbornness are those who are on the fence about getting back with you. But then again, you’re better off without those dumpers because a relationship with them wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
It’d fail because relationships require an iron will and a lot of commitment. Much more than indecisive dumpers can give you.
So rest assured that no contact works on all kinds of men. As long as they’re capable of getting hurt and reflecting on their mistakes, they can discern your worth, improve their negative perceptions of you, feel positive emotions for you, and crave your love and reassurance.
Men may not be the most emotional gender, but they’re also capable of getting hurt. They just need life to give them lemons and show them that they aren’t as mighty as they think they are.
Life is guys’ best teacher. It’s a shame that it oftentimes takes years for them to see that they have things to work on.
Does the no contact rule work on an emotionally unavailable man?
If a man is emotionally unavailable, know that the no contact rule might not work. The person you wish to bring back into your life might not be (emotionally) capable of seeing your worth and wanting what you have to offer. He’s unavailable, which means that he has personal issues to work on and that he can’t be in a relationship with you or anyone else.
If he gets into a serious relationship, he could soon realize that he doesn’t feel connected with his partner and that the relationship feels like a chore rather than a pleasant experience. When he discovers that, he could jump from one relationship to the next and be with them just for relationship benefits.
Some of those benefits include:
- sex
- companionship
- money
- reassurance
If your ex is emotionally unavailable and you’re wondering if no contact can work on him, know that it depends. It depends on what he’s doing to resolve his emotional unavailability issues and the kinds of thoughts he connects with your persona.
If he thinks positive thoughts and appreciates what you did for him, he could one day become emotionally available (especially if his emotional unavailability issues stem from the end of the previous relationship rather than his childhood issues).
That’s a big if, of course. You can’t keep waiting for him to “fix himself” because life is too short to wait for people. You can’t put your life on hold for a guy who doesn’t tell you what date and time he’s coming back to give the relationship a real chance.
You have better things to do with your life. For starters, you have to get over him so you can find your own happiness and connect with people who are certain they want you in their lives. Those are the people you can plan your life with and create something meaningful with.
Men can’t miss you without a period of no contact
Although some people get their exes back without no contact, most people don’t. Most people don’t make their dumpers curious about them and want to be with them. They usually just prove that they’re afraid and that they’d rather have their exes in their lives as friends than lose them completely.
If this is what you’re afraid of, you need to work on overcoming your fears and insecurities. You need to understand that your ex won’t see your romantic worth through friendship because friendship will make you too available to your ex for him to realize what living without you is like.
So start no contact and don’t worry about your ex moving on without you. As far as emotions go, your ex can’t love you less than he does right now. Love is either there or not there. In relationships, it’s there, and when relationships end, it’s not.
It’s that black or white.
Make sure to do no contact on men otherwise they likely won’t miss you enough to start a romantic relationship with you. I’m not saying they’ll miss you for sure if you do no contact, but the chances of regaining your power and your ex seeing your worth will be much bigger.
That’s because you’ll prove that you don’t need men in your life to love yourself and reach your goals.
Don’t pin all your hopes on no contact
Although no contact works on men, don’t go all-in on no contact. No contact isn’t a surefire method for getting your ex back. It’s just a straightforward self-imposed rule that helps you forget about your ex and allows you to get your happiness back.
If your ex comes back because of no contact, that’s a bonus because you won’t need your ex back. You’ll be feeling better and have a good understanding of whether your ex is the right man for you. Right now, you probably think that he is because you’re suffering, but that could change one day.
When you stop hurting, you could notice that your ex should be begging you for another chance after breaking your trust and that getting back with him would be dangerous. It could make you fall in love and get your heart crushed again.
So instead of looking for signs that no contact is working, focus on things that help you detach and see your ex for the person he is and the things he’s done. If you can do that, you’ll soon stop wondering whether no contact works on men and think about whether no contact can help you get over the breakup, improve your flaws, and make you into a better person.
I know you want no contact to work on men (especially on your ex), but try to let go of hope rather than look for more hope to cling to. If you stay hopeful, it won’t matter if your ex comes back because you’ll show him you don’t value yourself, that you haven’t taken the time to invest in yourself, and that you still rely on him for basic human needs.
This will scare him off and make him look for someone else to be with.
Did no contact work on your ex-boyfriend? How long did you do no contact? Share your no contact story below the post.
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My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
“If you stay hopeful, it won’t matter if your ex comes back because you’ll show him you don’t value yourself, that you haven’t taken the time to invest in yourself, and that you still rely on him for basic human needs”.- it sounds like you are blaming the victim of emotional abuse for not being good enough! This is not fair! I am much better than this guy who has been playing with me! I am more cultured, educated, clasy, intelligent, beautiful! I am also strong and very witty! Blaming a woman who gave the guy respect, attention and hope, as if these things were something wrong, is pretty unfair! A strong woman with dignity has the courage to be vulnerable, open, honest, direct and not to resort to foolish games of proving herself to him how independent and strong she is. I, for one, don’t have any hard feelings or remorses for treating him right, respectfully and kindly, for giving gim attention and warmth while he just took advantage and wanted to play me. So I have nothing to work on myself because I am fine just the way I am, he is the stupid jerk who didn’t see my worth. I am sure he will se it one day and will regret being a moron towards me.
Hi Andreea.
What do you mean I’m blaming the victim of EA? All I meant was that if you keep hoping your ex comes back, you’ll stay attached and prone to making desperate decisions that will repulse your ex and hurt you. Dumpers find independence attractive, not denial and desperation.
I think you misunderstood me. I apologize for that.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me after 2.5 years of a toxic relationship. He wanted to get married right away and I told him I did not. I could not accept his love because of my own unwanted emotional trauma and pushed him away. I know his pressuring me, need for constant contact, and trying to force things incited my trauma. We’ve been apart 5 months. He is very resentful. He had a traumatized childhood and I guess it’s controlling his reactions. He did start seeing a therapist to help him sort out why he reacts like he does. He says we can start slow but he is emotionally detached. He says he doesn’t know if he can get past the resentment. Idk what to do at this point.
Hi Joyce.
It may be best to let go of him. His resentment is going to keep plaguing the relationship until he loses the remaining respect and leaves for good.
Sincerely,
Zan
I just broke up with my emotionally unavailable man after 3 years of promises that never materialized. From day one he was open about his issues, stemming from childhood trauma, but was seeing a therapist and he always told me our relationship was different. He laughed about how he used to run away whenever things got serious with previous exes. He even brought up kids and said he wanted them. Gradually over time, that changed- and so did his desire to commit. I finally told him this wasn’t working for me anymore and that if he couldn’t step up I had to leave. He let me walk. Now I am just angry. Angry I spent my best childbearing years waiting for him. Angry I put up with the terrible sex, thinking it would somehow get better. He also had dogs that he was obsessed with and gave them all his love. I guess I was hoping he could change and was banking on his potential- but now see just how weird and creepy it all was. the worst part is, he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. In his mind, he just “couldn’t get over the hump.” Just a warning to women who demand intimacy and connection- you are worth it and don’t be like me, stuck on empty promises. The actions always speak louder. xx.
It’s weeks I am following this blog and i’ve read already almost all its post and comments below. I found out my story is very similar to yours Sidney , I have sympathize very much with your words and they explained very well what i have felt and how I am coping what is left after he dumped me 2 months ago. I have discovered he is an emotional unavailable, I thought he was only for the last 7 months he detached from me because his own issues and father’s illness. But unfortunately I guess now he has been always in this way and there is nothing better to stay away from someone that not gives you back what you deserve. BTW. Your post was made in May, how you doing now? It would be great to know you are fine and happy with your past decisions.
Hi Paola, I’m sorry you are going through something similar. It gets better, as you know! But takes time and probably a lot of pain. As for me, I went no contact and after 5 months he reached out casually. At first I was resistant, but missed chatting with him so i kept the communication open. Now it’s a few months of texting every day but just friendly. I asked him a while back what his intentions were and he said he wasn’t looking to reconcile, just wanted to reconnect as friends. So, this blog article is spot on. No contact works, but when they come back, it’s not always to reconcile. I still wonder if he really wants to just be friends since he’s always texting, but then again it’s covid and things are still locked down- maybe he’s just lonely and bored. But I enjoy the friendship, and I’m trying to keep it honest by dating other people so I don’t let myself slip into wanting him back as a boyfriend. Let me know how you’re doing and I hope you are ok.
Thank you so much for answering, your words, again, provide me some sort of strength. Keep strong and authentic with yourself and your emotions, I wish you the best.
My ex is definitely emotionally unavailable and broke up with me. I was floored and in a state of shock when it happened as he never expressed any kind of dissatisfaction with our relationship. Not even so much as I don’t like that song you like. He wanted to be friends and wanted me in his life, or so he said, acting like he still had feelings for me, but at the same time encouraging me to find someone else, which was extremely confusing and heartbreaking. Recently, he began again to show signs of being interested in me and then asked to be friends with benefits again “until I found someone else” and said he hoped I was looking (if I wanted to). Again very confusing and hurtful and I turned down his offer, but don’t know what this all means. I don’t really want to, but do I need to stop being his friend? Only after I broke up did I begin to understand his issues and realize he needed someone he could trust, which is why I stick around, without pushing him to open up like I did while we were dating.
My boyfriend and I are in a break. Due to covid there was a lot of stress with our health conditions, work and never having space. He said he has no emotions towards anything in life anymore including me, but he knows he loves me. I think he’s depressed but he won’t let me support him. Do I walk away, cut all contact and hope he misses me? Or do I wait for him to call the break to an end and see how he feels?
Hello, we are in the same situation. My ex and just broke up a couple months ago or so, because of Covid. I’ve tried no contact, but either him or I will give in about a week later. He’s had a lot of changes in his status in the last year and then Covid happened and he was concerned for his elderly parents he takes care of. I tried to be understanding, but there’s only so much patience you can have when you’re not seeing someone you’re not living with. Anyways, please let me know if you tried the no contact and if it worked.
Me and my ex broke up 2 months ago, we were literally all good and happy but then I moved an hour away for college and 3 days later that he couldnt commit and wanted to explore, he most likely has the GIGS.
I was his first girlfriend.He was the sweetest, nicest loyal guy ever, we would literally hang out the whole week, back when he didn’t have a car he would use his remaining money for uber to just to see me and we were very inlove but sadly yes all people do change. We dated for 1 and a half year and that sudden breakup just crushed me.
I broke no contact last week (its been a month) and we talked on the phone at night. We were all good, just catching up as friends but then we just suddenly opened up to our feelings out of nowhere.
He tried to make me jealous by saying he hooked up with some girl, and i suddenly become quiet and pretended i was fine, but he noticed i was hurting so i ended the call. 10 minutes later, he called me again –but i didn’t speak the whole time. He just said that he was sorry, it was just a joke cause it bothered him that i said i moved on. Then he just started pouring his feelings out saying he doesnt know if he regrets the breakup and he misses me, he also mentioned about wanting to drive to my place to give back my stuff.
The next day, I just texted him about how I felt this time and i said i needed closure cause i was confused and everything, I was already passed the depression, anxiety and grieving stages but that phone call made me all confused again. He replied but he became cold and said that we need closure and to close this chapter of the book. He doesnt want me to wait for him and be in pain and told me to move on now.
Im starting the no contact period again, but what does this all mean? does he really have feelings for me? do we still have hope for the future based on what i said? or should i really let it go?
Sounds like he was just testing the waters with you through that phone call. (to see if you’re still there so he can come back to you whenever) Focus on no contact, give him some time and space to miss you and if he reflects and regrets enough, he’ll definitely reach out!
He’s still in love with you and was just trying to make you jealous. Why are you doing the no contact thing? He loves you-you love him- be together and be happy.
My ex dumped me out of built up frustration a 2 weeks ago. A week after we broke up he met with a counselor and blocked me on every single form possible (that was his advice to him because initially I was shocked and begging for him back) . It strongly influenced by his parents and his counselor talking him into it. My friends message him and he is very sad, not eating telling them it is so weird not having someone to lay next to but tells them it was so toxic yet so good. I originally thought he was going through the stages for dumpers but that is not the case. Since he had the pressure to block I believe he’s a duMpee based on how I am being told he’s feeling. don’t know if the no contact will work (I’m blocked but in person//text//email) I haven’t said a thing since the block. Only hearing what my friends say when they talk to him. Not sure how to go about this or if he’ll ever unblock me considering the strong weight of a counselor and parents on him.
I don’t know if the NC will work on my ex. He’s egoistic and stubborn. He didn’t even have the guts to break things up properly with me, he left me hanging by asking me to take time out and proceeded to tell ppl around he’s single. I tried reaching out twice but I was ignored. He then hid his stories from me on ig, and then a week later removed all likes and comments from my post and now blocked me on ig. However I didn’t blow up his phone to warrant a blockZ on the contrary I have remained in NC for a month. It’s been a struggle not to reach out and tell him off. I wonder if he’s doing all that to get a reaction out of me.
Hi Kristin.
He’s not doing that just to get a reaction out of you. He’s so bitter and angry it’s over that he’s doing what his emotions tell him to.
Stay in no contact and save face!
Zan