Many dumpees fall for the 30-day no contact rule trick. They’re convinced that 30 days of no contact are enough for their ex to miss them and be receptive to them. That’s why they get their hopes up, reach out to their ex while their ex is still processing the breakup, and receive an unwanted response.
That unwanted response sets them back emotionally all the way to the beginning of the breakup as they didn’t expect their ex to treat them with anything less than love. They expected to be welcomed back with open arms and apologies, but instead, they got a cold shoulder and a lot of pain.
If you’re contemplating breaking no contact after only 30 days, I strongly encourage you to stop listening to devious YouTubers and bloggers who have no respect for you, let alone themselves.
Most of them know that the 30-day no contact rule is a hoax, but they promote it anyway because they know that if anyone buys their services, it will be desperate dumpees who want immediate results.
Such dumpees will not listen to any other advice regardless of how healthy it is. They’ll want their ex back right away and as a result, fall for this 30-day no contact scheme.
If you’re still reading this, chances are that you’re rational and have enough common sense to know that 30 days of no contact sounds like some random number. There is no psychological evidence behind this number at all.
No one has been able to prove that your ex will miss you and want to be with you exactly a month since you stopped talking to your ex.
What you will find instead are thousands of victims all over the internet who gave this short period of no contact a try and wish they didn’t because they got rejected again.
Many victims of the 30-day no contact rule joined this website after they contacted their ex and got hurt. You could find some of them in the comments section below articles or in our Discord channel.
Anyway, the 30-day no contact rule should only be followed temporarily when your breakup is fresh. Counting the days up to 30 can give you a feeling that you’re in control and make the days more bearable.
But when you get to the 30th day of no contact, you should be out of denial and feel much stronger in general. That’s when you should try to stop counting the days since you started no contact (or do it for a while longer if you’re in a lot of pain) and start the indefinite no contact rule.
This rule is the only rule that will kill your reconciliation hope and encourage you to forget about your ex. All other pre-determined no contact rules will force you to stay hooked on your ex because they’ll tell you to say or do certain things to impress your ex.
I don’t know what quacks on the internet say you should do during and after the 30-day no contact rule, but if you’re going to follow it, make sure to adhere to all the rules of no contact.
The 30-day no contact rule means no:
- calling or texting
- showing up at your ex’s house
- interacting with your ex on social media (liking, commenting, tagging, opening stories…)
- posting depressing quotes and comments
- sending your ex gifts or letters
- bothering your ex’s friends and family
- or doing anything that shows interest in your ex’s life
If you’re in no contact (which you should be), you will let your ex go through the dumper stages at a natural and healthy pace and give yourself a chance to process separation anxiety and fears.
No contact is essential, but sadly, not every dumpee follows it. Oftentimes, only those who are tired of being their ex’s friend or those who get treated poorly by their ex start following this rule.
Such people realize that they’ll recover faster if they start no contact and force themselves to push their ex out of their lives.
In this article, we’ll talk about the psychology behind the 30-day no contact rule and share some tips you might find useful.
No contact rule psychology
The psychology behind the no contact rule is that your ex is finally free to live a happy and independent life. Your ex can do whatever he or she wants and doesn’t have to worry about anything other than his or her friends, hobbies, and interests.
Your ex’s renewed sense of freedom can feel very liberating and rewarding to your ex as your ex suddenly has no responsibilities and commitment. Your ex has time on his or her hands and must spend that time away from you.
Time away from you lets your ex relieve pressure and enables your ex to prioritize things that matter to your ex.
If you refuse to let your ex do that, you could see a very annoyed and smothered ex. You could see a side to your ex you never had the privilege to see.
Dumpers normally show their mean and cold side when their ex won’t stop guilt-tripping them and making them feel that he or she still needs them. That’s when the dumpee learns the hard way that he or she has made breakup mistakes that won’t be easy to dig out of.
With that said, here’s what could happen if you break the 30-day no contact rule.
Whatever you do, don’t show or tell your ex that you still need him or her. Your ex doesn’t deserve to know that, nor does he or she want to know it. What your ex wants is to see that you’re handling the breakup maturely and that you’ve got what it takes to detach and live happily ever after.
Yes, some immature and toxic exes don’t want you to be happy, but exes like that aren’t worth your time anyway. They’re a danger to themselves and should be avoided at all costs.
So if you want to do a 30-day no contact rule with your ex with the intention to reattract your ex, go no contact immediately. The sooner you go no contact, the less you’ll pressure your ex, and the more your ex will respect you for it.
You should start no contact without informing your ex about it. Your ex doesn’t need to know what you’re about to do because frankly put, your ex doesn’t care.
Your ex will care if things go awry for your ex. But that will likely be months later when you stop feeling the overwhelming need to receive your ex’s love and validation.
When does the 30-day no contact work?
30-day no contact works in two situations. It works when your ex broke up with you in the heat of the moment and overreacted and when your ex still has feelings for you and is merely waiting for the perfect chance to reach out and ask to get back together.
In both cases, the dumper will eventually regret breaking up with you, miss you, and become afraid that you’ll move on and forget about him or her.
This doesn’t, however, mean that you should break no contact and make the job easier for your ex. Your ex has to be the one to reach out and do all the work because your ex was the one who left. He or she decided you weren’t good enough, so your ex must apologize and give you power back.
If you do all the hard work, your ex might take you back, but your ex won’t respect you for it. That’s because people only respect the things and people they have to work for.
But before you get excited and think that your ex is waiting for you, you need to know that the 2 situations we described are extremely rare. Most dumpers don’t wait for dumpees to come back to them. Most dumpers (99.9%) feel relieved and want to be left alone.
That’s why you must stick to no contact regardless of whether you think your ex secretly wants to talk to you and be with you. You must be patient and wait as long as it takes. You could stay in no contact for months or years before your ex finally contacts you.
Heck, you could wait for decades.
But even if your ex contacts you, that doesn’t necessarily imply that no contact is over and that your ex-back strategy needs to change. No contact ends when your ex wants you back or when you’re fully healed and okay with being friends with your ex.
That’s when it’s okay to communicate with your ex from time to time. Unless, of course, you, your ex, or both have new partners.
How to tell if no contact is working?
You can tell no contact is working if you feel that it’s working for you (making you feel better). That’s a sign that you’re detaching and getting your old happy self back. As for no contact working on your ex, you usually won’t know what’s happening.
You won’t have a clue because you’ll be minding your own business and letting your ex mind his or hers.
But despite not knowing what your ex is doing and feeling, you can be certain that no contact is working on your ex in the background as it’s giving your ex the space he or she has asked for. No contact is letting your ex experience the kind of emotions your ex was hoping to experience by breaking up with you.
And if by some chance your ex gets hurt or goes through something unpleasant, no contact will be even more effective as unpleasantness makes dumpers think about the past and crave it.
For now, you need to understand that if your ex isn’t reaching out, no contact is helping your ex enjoy space and privacy every day. It’s doing its magic without your awareness.
And when your ex no longer feels relieved, your ex will probably reach out and have a confusing conversation with you.
You need to be prepared for that conversation so you don’t get your hopes up and think your ex has come back for you. Most dumpers contact their exes just to appease guilt and catch up. They don’t like to be left in the dark about how their ex perceives them.
Uncertainty makes them uncomfortable.
What if my ex starts dating someone else?
If your ex gets involved with another person, no contact, limited contact, or full contact won’t make any difference. You won’t be able to stop your ex from dating, so the best thing to do is to accept that and look after yourself.
Stay in no contact and show your ex you’re not going to break no contact regardless of what your ex says and does. No contact is for you to heal, so keep healing for as long as you need to.
The only time you can reach out to your ex is if you need to talk about something important such as mortgage or kids. That’s when you can communicate with your ex only about the thing you’re reaching out for.
You need to keep in mind that dumpers eventually start dating someone else. Most dumpers find another person in a matter of months whereas others take a few months longer. Almost all dumpers, however, say yes to new romantic opportunities the moment they come across them.
They sometimes tell exes they “just want to be single” or “don’t want to be in a relationship,” but that is seldom the cause. Usually, they just don’t want a relationship with the dumpee and are happy to be with someone else.
If you expect your ex to remain single and come back to you during the 30-day no contact rule, that likely won’t happen. Your ex will need much longer than that to find your worth and want you close to him or her.
It will probably take months (not a month) for your ex to make enough emotional progress to stop feeling empowered by the breakup and start thinking about you more. That’s because a lot of time needs to go by for your ex to process the breakup, date other people, and compare those people to you.
You can’t expect your ex to think fondly of you just because it’d be nice. If you expect it, you could get disappointed.
Something must first happen to your ex before your ex can start wondering about you and missing you. And that something is some kind of unfortunate event.
The worst things go for your ex, the more your ex can see that breaking up with you was bad for his or her health and happiness.
So give your ex space and perhaps your ex will contact you when the time is right.
Let us know what you think about the 30-day no contact rule in the comments below.
And finally, if you want to talk to us about the 30-day no contact rule, visit our coaching page for more info.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi – Thank you for creating such a supportive article and the responses all the way to everyone. Hope I will get a reply too.
My ex and I were in a far distant relationship of few months as we reside in different countries. We met on a holiday trip and after which we always had skype sessions and shared laughter/fights. Everything was great in the beginning.
We have had few fights and after every big fight he would pull out on me then come back apologizing (as per he says that pulling out is due to a past broken marriage and a relationship)
Seeing him going and coming back shakes my trust but I still did not give up on him.
This time when we had a fight – i thought it is completely over and he made up his mind.
He contacted just after 5-6 days saying that he would want to be friends and I accepted it being desperate of having more contact and hoping things would get back to normal
2 weeks Being friend-zoned and listening to things like ‘so whats going on in your life?’ or ‘why dont you get laid?’ makes me feel that he is not coming back or may be I am just letting myself get consumed emotionally
It also makes me feel that this is not how a guy who wishes/thinks to come back would speak
To be honest – Yes I do want things to work but not like this how he has controlled everything
Will NC help?
Suma, NC will definitely help. At least your ex will have some clear idea about what he wants from you if you stop contacting him for a month. In my experience, the questions like, why are you not dating anyone or why aren’t you not sleeping with anyone come from two possible situations. 1 : the person has moved on and feeling bad for dumping you. So he wants to feel a bit lighter if he hears that you are seeing someone else. 2: He still thinks about you and wants to know what is going on in your life. This happened to my with two breakups and I realised later that both times they had just moved on and they just wanted to feel better by hearing that I too had moved on.
So, if I were you I would tell him that you need to clear up your mind and you need a break for few weeks. Stay away for one month. If he hasn’t tried to contact you during this period or end of this period, you need to accept the pain of letting him go. Try to build some meaningful friendships. Friends are the biggest source of support during breakups.
I am sure you also know that someone who goes and comes back so often is not really reliable. The problem is when we are in love, our rational mind gets foggy. But I understand your pain because I have experienced the same and finally after few months I decided to quit. It is not easy to remain friends with exes unless the seperation is mutual. So right now your best bet is NC
Kind regards
the way I perceive NC ( no contact) is different. Blocking someone from social media including WhatsApp is so naive and childish. To me NC means : if the woman/ Man who dumped me asks me how I am doing: I would respond after 4 days saying -I am doing ok, Hope you too are doing ok- When we suddenly cut them off, the person who dumped you think you are hurt and acting like a child. Also NC is not that easy to practice if you care for the one who dumped you.
its almost been 2 months and we haven’t talk to each outer. I stalked one of his friends IG and saw that he was with the ex girlfriend for 9 years and with their friends. It’s the any chance that he still has feelings for me? The also reason why we broke up was due to his ex.
Hi Kiara.
It’s not rude not to communicate with someone who dumped you.
If that person doesn’t want you in his or her life, you need to stay away from him/her.
Best regards,
Zan
I wasn’t sure what category to put this one in. You will understand as you read on. My ex girlfriend and I met on a game last year a week after my birthday. She was the best gift I could have ever received. I never told her that, but she was. Before we knew each other she had told people in a game that her dog was hit by a car and died. She left the game upset. At this point I already had her on discord as a friend, but we really didn’t talk yet. One night I saw her on and asked her how she as feeling? We got to talking and the rest was history. Things were great! Although our age difference was 22 years apart, we hit it off like we knew each other for years. We made each other laugh and had long nights talking and eventually voice chatting. This one on since then all the way up to the breakup as it got less and less. I could see the signs but I couldn’t let her go. She would tell me how much she loved me and I would do the same. I showered her with gifts, but nothing in return. We would watch movies together and YouTube videos etc. I told her she could gladly use my account on Netflix and Hulu. Things were going so great. I noticed though some thing wasn’t right awhile back but couldn’t place my finger on it, or maybe I was blinded by love and her beauty.
Where I started to notice the changes was when she didn’t mind me gaming with my friends or if my nephew came over once in a week to game. I would play for so long and then get on with her. As she made me feel guilty and I had to get off so I could spend time with her, which I did not mind a bit. She would share her troubling pass, which I will not discuss, but it wasn’t good. She said she has been through counseling for depression and anxiety. Her attitude started changing towards her mom and disowned her completely. She would get irritated and angry and was childish at 30 yrs old. She never really got mad at me except a few times over something so minor. We only had maybe two arguments that didn’t last but a very short time. She would feel bad and apologize. I told her it’s ok, but I don’t know why she was getting so upset. She has very low self-esteem. She said she was made fun at school a lot and bullied. She talked about her exes and how they were too clingy at times. I asked if I was clingy and at first she said no, but later on down the road she said I was. I never thought I was because I gave her time and space. When I did that she would ask if something was wrong. Ask if I was mad at her. I wasn’t. I treated her very well. Respected her etc, but maybe I wasn’t enough of a man to put her in her place. I did that because she was so vulnerable and played a victim. WE had talked about moving in together and her moving here since she likes the snow and could adapt. Then later on she’d change her mind about the cold etc. Like she couldn’t make her mind or keep her story straight. Nearing the breakup phase.
I believe it was end of September or beginning of October. I noticed some guy on her Facebook that she added. I didn’t think nothing of it at first until she started getting a bit distance, and our nights became shorter and shorter together in chatting. I started questioning our relationship and her. Who is this new guy? Around October I can’t remember quite what happen but I didn’t say anything to tick her off but she said STOP!!! and I can’t remember what she said..SHe went dead silent on me for about two or three days. I thought, “what the heck did I do?” Finally she said we need to talk, nothing bad. There is no one else or anything. Just need to clear some things. I agreed to talk. At first she said maybe we should be friends for right now. We finally worked it out and she just wanted to take it slower. I thought it sound a bit odd considering what we had before. Mind you things got pretty hot and heavy in the beginning and for awhile. I noticed her page was mostly filled with photos of her using snap chat filters to make her seem more beautiful. She was pretty already. She started talking about working out and getting into shape and needing to lose weight. I thought there is someone else.. Well for my birthday the only thing she sent me out of the year we dated was a Teddy Bear and a box of cookies and a card saying she loves me and a little wording that only her and I got. I thought well, it is the thought that counts. She didn’t want to spend money on me. She never told her dad about me, but she told her step mom about me so she says, about our age and me in general. She as afraid what her dad may think. Well, during Thanksgiving she texted me saying she would be home soon. She always called me babe.. But I noticed No I love you, just I miss you. That started happening a lot. She talked about how her step mom’s step son was being a jerk (not her words.. keeping it clean here) She said I will go down to Florida and take him out I know where to hide a body here in my town! I thought WOW! She said she hasn’t been eating or sleeping well, but would cut it off with me short but made it known she would show up online while I was invisible. I thought whats going on??? The guy she was referring to lives about 3 hrs away and it was the guy from the photo. My girlfriend at the time even said the 5yr old daughter of his is being a little pain.
The break up. We got to Friday night after Thanksgiving. I asked if we were chatting tonight and she said not tonight because she was having a headache and was going to bed, but then she got online again! I knew things weren’t right. So I went to check another game that I didn’t get on much with her. I saw her status change from being in a relationship to other…and she as there for relationships instead of friendship. My heart immediately sunk and I felt betrayed, hurt, and angry! I put that in my status on Discord. I began to panic and put in my status that I was hurt, betrayed and pissed off!!! Put my status on DO NOT DISTURB. She texted me on FaceBook and then on Discord asking me what the “F@&# Is going on!!!?? I said we need to talk.. We did and I panicked really bad and made up a story that I shouldn’t have and made it sound like I punched the wall after getting in an altercation with a neighbor. Only thing true was the neighbor is not a nice person, but never came to my door. I shouldn’t have lied, but she said then, I can’t do this. Your attitude and what you did was uncalled for. I can’t do this anymore or at least right now and broke up! I was stupid to beg and please to not do this and we both cried and that was it…
I took her off Facebook, steam, and changed my pw on Netflix and Hulu, but didn’t delete her on Discord. I just for some reason can’t do it. I didn’t contact her and within a day or two she contacted me saying This is the hard one yet.. She asked why i took her of steam. I waited awhile to reply and she was having a hard time she said. So am I. I still am but the next time she contacted me as a day later and she asked how I was doing. I Lied and said I am doing well. Thanks for asking. Made a joke that made her laugh that we both shared. We chatted for a minute, but I didn’t know what to say as this was just new. I am devastated over this loss. Yet she moved on. She even had in her status a few times.. before she contacted me a day later.. Her status started out 🙁 meh!, then My hearts content, then no status. Finally for awhile it went to I’m feeling love with the heart eye emoji. I know she knew I could see that. Like she was out to hurt me.. For what?!! She finally took off the status and it’s now blank. That is when she said she as having a hard time. I didn’t do anything. I treated her so well and kind and with respect and love, understanding. She wants to be friends, but I will now be demoted to the friend zone.. She knows that. I wished her luck. I know when she contacted me after the break up the first time, I said to her that I hope your happy with your new man. She replied, “what new man? There is no new man.” I thought she is playing me..
Makes me wonder if she is suffering from mental illness and wondering if she is Narcissistic? Yet I still care about her deeply, but I just don’t think it is good for my health if I say. I am torn and undecided.
Sorry if this was a very long post, but I had to get everything out to see what others could make out of this? Is this a rebound or was this some guy she had in the wings? She also added another guy before our breakup too on her Facebook before I deleted it.
Doug
Hi Doug,
My story is a bit similar to yours. But I am woman and I have been in relationship with a woman. The woman who dumped me for another woman, still messages me requesting lifelong friendship and she means it.
What I make out of this whole experience is, some people are suckers for novelty. They get bored if they remain with the same partner for more than a year or two. they don’t enjoy breaking people’s hearts but they are just wired so. If all her ex relationships have lasted just a year or two, then I would say she is a bit like my ex who dumped me last month. Extremely passionate in the beginning and then they lose interest but really can’t afford to lose the friendship and the caring we gave them
If I were you, I would practice NC rule for a month. If NC is difficult to practice, I would be in touch but very distant. Women don’t like when someone suddenly becomes distant. If your gf is trying to manipulate you over another man, you would know if she really misses you after few weeks. Rebounds can last a month or 6 months. Some go from rebounds to rebounds. You come across a thorough gentleman. So if she is not a sucker for novelty and if she appreciates the things you did to her, she would get back in touch with you.
Every time I went through breakups couple of my close friends helped get out of the pain. I am beginning to accept that in this fast-paced life, lovers come and go, we fall in and out of love, our hearts will bleed for months, years, but friends will always stand by us.
Kind regards
Kiara
I was dumped by my ex. We’d been together for 3 years and living together for 2.5 yrs. he said he loves me so much but not sure if I am the one for the rest of his life. There was no anger or other bad things for us, he just wants time and space to think if he really misses me and wants to marry me forever. I’m a nursing student, I’m going through my toughest period now. Should I start NC rules? Today is the first day I moved out.
Yes, Zoe! Go no-contact immediately. You deserve someone who is sure about you being the woman he wants. Show your strength and power and value by staying away from him and giving him silence and all the space in the world. There is no other you in the entire universe, remember that. He will not be able to replace you. Take care. This might be your toughest period, but believe me, it will also be your most powerful period.
I so appreciate for saying that and keep working toward to my goal!
Hi Zoe.
You should definitely start no contact as your ex lost attraction for you.
Do what you need to do to find happiness in yourself again.
Kind regards,
Zan
This was a very good reading experience for me. I’ve never believed that the no contact rule worked for getting an ex back. However, it allows you time to heal, evaluate yourself and make some solid decisions. No one should be able to consume so much of your life. We ourselves have to practice some emotional intelligence. It does hurt like hell to break up or be broken up with someone you love, but sometimes rejection is protection. On October 28th I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years, it was by far so painful as he was not just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. He has totally moved on, he was only contacting me about things that we had not resolved together. Never was he appearing to be concerned for how I was feeling, only about what I could do for him it appeared. I purchased a home on October 16th and I’m renovating it on my own. It keeps me busy after work, I’m back at the gun range and I’m getting my healthy lifestyle back. I’m saying all this to say, stay the course, it’s for you. Not for them! Some people will show you who they are, when they do, believe them! Everyone love yourself more, date yourself more and explore all of life’s greatness! Live, Love and Laugh!
Thank you for the empowering words, Theresa.
I wholeheartedly agree.
Kind regards,
Zan
How do you reach out and show you have changed if you don’t have social media and there is no contact as ex has blocked you? How can you show you have changed and grown.
I fell in love with a girl when I was 16. She left for college and it broke my heart. We stayed in touch but I felt like it was usually me initiating. When she moved back 8 years later we were inseperable, got together but I was in a very bad place. I ruined it, she left me and I spent four years in so much regret, but I did the work – so much work and changed. I told myself if I ever had a second chance I would marry her bc I believe she is the one. 6 weeks ago I saw her in a coffee shop for the first time since she left me. We went from coffee to texting everyday, morning and night, to her laying in my arms, saying that she loved me and that she wasn’t going anywhere. Even though she kept saying she did not want a relationship, all her actions had me thinking we were building something. I found out she was still friends with many people who have really hurt me in my past and asked if she was intimate with one of them when I moved away (my ex best friend). I asked respectfully, did not say it ugly and everything changed. She said I was a chauvinist and I apologized and starting begging almost to which she ignored me. I feel like she used me because she was going through a hard time when she saw me at the coffee shop. Her Grandpa died and I feel like she still had feelings for her ex. She kept saying she couldn’t process feelings with me right now and after texting her too much she finally said ,”I told you I need space. I can be friends with you in the future but this isn’t about a relationship or kids- I don’t want either of those with you. I enjoyed seeing you but that wasn’t a promise for anything”. I felt lead on and so broken and blocked her and didn’t respond at all. Three weeks later, on Sunday I said “I understand” , and now I feel I have lost all my power. I have made it seem like what she said was fine and that I will be there waiting when she wants to be friends.” I want to tell her that I don’t want her in my life again because 15 years is enough heartbreak, but I don’t know if it’s worth it. It’s been 2 days since I said I understand, but I don’t want doors open anymore. I want closure. I want to move on and find someone who does want those things with me. I am so hurt, and want my power back. Should I tell her I am not interested in being friends in the future or just wait and see if she even bothers contacting me?
Thank you for your words and your help.
hello miguel,
I am no expert. I studied Psychology but not a practicing psychologist. But human mind and its complexities have always interested me.
I must admit that I am here because I am going through a painful breakup and this is the first time in practice this NC rule.
Here is my advice to you:
Your I Unterstand response is the best answer any lover could send his girlfriend.
Do not tell her you need a closure because your mind is not ready for it. The very reason you want her to know that it is over because you still care for her and deep down you wish she came back to you. One of the reasons why women say they want to friendship is; either because they don’t want to hurt you by saying they want you to disappear from their lives or they do care for you and they are not willing to lose you. The only way you can find out about is just by saying a simple „Ok“. And then whenever she writes you just respond without showing excitement or emotion. But definitely don’t be rude. Practice it for a month or two. If she really misses you she will start asking you why you are so distant or if she could meet you. If she doesn’t text you despite you agreeing to her request of being friends, then it means her request for friendship was just a request to tell you politely to go away.
I see the NC rule has a healing process. It is healing process for the one who started it. NC rule doesn’t mean you block the person from your phone and social media. No contact basically means, you don’t show you are deeply into the one who dumps you. It is a mind game and by practicing it you are actually making your mind stronger.
Kind regards
K
Apologies for the few typos and grammatical errors. Obviously I used my phone to type the text.
Very Good advice K.
I took tried to go no contact, but my ex is a complicated one. She gets super angry and ticked off to the point she will hurt me by changing her status on discord. I believe everyone’s situation is different. I agree mostly with the no contact rule, but if the your ex is messaging you back, I feel it is rude to not answer her in a polite way. That is if you want her/him back. My ex gf has very low self-esteem and tried suicide once long ago. I know she hurt me, but I feel a duty not to make it worse for her.
As for Miquel’s situation I have to agree with K on your situation. I think maybe when you met her in the coffee shop and got too close too soon, that it may have ruined your chances. I am no expert. Just my opinion.
Me and My Girlfriend both are married now,, but she contacts me whenever she wants to and then go away in silents no text msgs and no calls… But last time she ignored me on text msgs like sending me one words sms only.. I feel hurt that she is not understanding anything,, i just want a good relationship but now I think she didn’t deserve it at all… She dump me everytime and then find me through social network….and talks wid me…Should I follow NO CONTACT RULE…??? SIR
Hi Chandan.
You should really think about whether you want someone like her as your significant other. Does she really have it in her to make you happy? Is she the best you deserve?
If the answer is yes, talk to her when she’s receptive and ask her some important questions.
Best regards,
Zan
I tend to have anger management issues and hurt him for no reason. At first he told me to go seek help otherwise we were over. I took it badly and said I was not going to. The days passed and I realized he meant well but now he doesn’t want to go with me, he says I should do it alone but told me he was tired of living this over and over again and even though he loved me and hopes I get better he feels the relationship is over. What should I do? I was on week 1 but we kind of work really close and in some shared projects it is really hard to follow the no contact rule. I do really have feelings for him and wish to seek help to solve my anger issues. Thanks for your feedback
Hi Dia.
Right now all you can do is to work on your shortcomings and get them fixed. And if your ex wants to come back, he’ll tell you.
You don’t have to “do” anything other than to give him all the space in the world.
Kind regards,
Zan
I was hurt at my old job and had to have surgery, old job fired me and had legal battle. Used all my savings, she still was working had had hers, but I was out of money and was relying on her to pay bills till I was back on feet. She left me 2 days after Christmas just one week after my surgery and I never had any idea was coming. I was desperate and didn’t understand why she left. I was hurt and needed another job? Not dead or end of world. I didnt know what to do to have her come back so I did all the wrong things; pleaded and begged. 3 months later of mistakes, like I always was around, picked her up from work and dropped her off, called her everyday to see if she needed anything. She finalized divorce, no counseling or trying on her end. After the divorce I did no contact, after 2.5 months she called and we talked. I got my hopes up… Then nothing for 4 more weeks, then I called her to meet. We met up, walked, she said she loved me, and said she wanted to stay in contact while I was away. We talked for 3 days then nothing, no text or call back. Next day she added some guy to my Netflix account. I deleted it and haven’t spoke to her since. That was 2 months ago. What do I do now? I am about to deploy with military. I still love her and was with her for 11 years. Is there any hope and will me leaving help or hurt?
Hi Jack.
I think it won’t change a thing as long as she doesn’t value you enough.
She’s probably seeing other guys right now and has to learn to respect you the hard way.
Stay strong and focus on yourself so that she can have the freedom to herself.
Best regards,
Zan
Hey I been cheated on my ex and I was trying to get her back and failed 2 times already even though she did think about it and really try to accept my apology but she just can’t seem to get over it and she just said she can’t be back with me and don’t want to start over I was drowning in regret the first time I come to her house and apologized she were forgave me but few days later she changed her mind the second times she said she will reconnect soon but she need some time and I did give her some time to think but in the end the results is still the same she just seem try to moving on from and I don’t know what should I do now
Hi Tommy.
There’s nothing you can do if she’s made up her mind.
All you can do is focus on yourself and maybe she’ll change her mind one day.
Stay strong and get over her, Tommy.
You have to do it to regain your self-esteem.
Best regards,
Zan
What if your ex deletes your number (and you don’t have social media)? I’m not certain, but I’m fairly sure he has deleted my number. I broke up with him due to lack of attention, but he didn’t seem too bothered by it. No asking me to stay or anything like that. I really regret dumping him. I know he is really busy with his job. Maybe if I had just stuck it out a while longer it would have gotten better? Should I contact him? If so, when? I’m on Day 4.
Don’t. Just don’t. Give him space to think. Men aren’t like women. If he did delete your number, I don’t think he values your presence in his life enough. Would you really like someone who doesn’t see your worth? Would you want to stay with someone like that for the rest of your life where it’s more like one-sided and you’re making the most effort to reach out? You are an amazing person, and you should believe that. Love yourself first and focus on yourself in the period you are away from each other. Don’t focus on getting him back, focus on loving yourself and becoming the best version of you. Find hobbies, train new skills. Remember who you are before meeting him. Enjoy life and your freedom. Who knows? He might actually return, and even if he doesn’t, you should love yourself enough to know that you don’t deserve someone who does not see how awesome you are. If he doesn’t see that, someone else will. If you believe he is the only guy in the world who’s gonna fall for you, it means you don’t love yourself enough to believe that there are billions of people in this world who will be happy to be in your wonderful in your presence, but until you believe that you are a wonderful lovable and amazing person, you will not be able to open your eyes and see that there are other people who will see like that too.
What about fresh dating? I’ve been dating a girl for 45 days. We like each other but we argue a lot. We had a fight last time and then she texted me saying that it better for both of us not to see each other or even talk. she wishes me the best and i did the same and its been a month now. Do I i have to wait more? Because i really like her and cant forget her.
Hi Tony.
If she’s unreceptive and wants to stay broken up, you have to stay away from her.
Your relationship failed so quickly. So if you’re ever going to have a shot with her, something fundamental is going to have to change.
I suggest you start by working on yourself.
Kind regards,
Zan
I am on day 31. Broke up Sept 14th. It has been more difficult than my divorce ex wife several years ago. Accepting, listening/rereading what she said hurts, but its not the right time and may never be.. The NC has helped me understand that no words will help. Truly only my actions…which are ultimately for me….the bi-product is that she will notice I am evolving. She started breadcrumbing me the last 10 days by sending me word games to play. Tuesday night I got a LOL emoji out of no where. The rush of emotions is incredible/hurtful…luckily I was with a good friend who talked to me about it.. I truly want to hear from her. ..but I don’t. I am healing, I am bettering myself. She is dating other people. She is not correcting her behavior. That would be going back to same person if she reaches out. This following NC is going to make her contact me…the breadcrumbs let me know she is poking to see where I stand. She knows I have stepped up the exercising and yoga. Her friends see me there. They even said wow. If you aren’t hitting the gym, walking more, yoga… DO IT!!! If I get emotional I go.. I am tired, I am sore, I look soo much better. …It makes me feel sooo much better. Side effect… you get to meet people that want to become healthier.
S0 my belief…30 days is a mark..thats it. I am stronger…I think more clearly…I did it wrong the first week post breakup…never again. I will not contact her. They need to hurt…. in the sense they are realizing they are losing someone. I will never go back to who she was….I don’t see or know of her trying to evolve to better herself. Now…gonna try my 30 days.. We dated almost 3 years…holidays are coming fast. January is our anniversary month.. So next 3 months are going to have temptations.. I can do it!
Hi. Me and my girlfriend broke up by her choice saying that its not you its me kinda bullshit thing its been 5 months from the break up and we,ve been together 4 months and we have been in contact. But 3 weeks ago she said that she went back for her ex boyfriend. I asked why? He treated you badly and cheated on you why would you want to give second chance for that asshole? She said that he is changed and for that i am willing to give him a second chance. And she continued that she can’t be more than friends with me for now. I had to say to her well ok its your loss but i can’t be friends with you i have too much feelings here and I’ve been in no contact 2weeks and counting should i keep on this way? And she is single mom by the way
Hi Juha.
Stay in no contact for now and recover.
If her relationship fails (which it likely will), you will probably hear from her.
Best,
Zan
Hello, I am now on my 4th day of 30 days- no contact rule. Me and my boyfriend broke up with anger due to countless fights, and after that, I did all the crying and begging that made him push away and made him more sick of me. We also had a deal to date one week peacefully after all those bad days, and I let him go. Now we don’t talk anymore, and also he seems found a girl on social media. ( but not yet dating )
So what can I do after 30 days of silence? We are now friends on Facebook so do I need to deactivate or just stay happily?
After no contact days are once ended, should I start contact him and please let me know how to start the conversation.
Hi Linn.
You shouldn’t contact your ex ever again.
It’s his turn to start contacting you and investing in you again.
So stay in no contact indefinitely and get over your ex.
Best,
Zan
My ex said he lost attraction. He said how it didn’t seem to be a long term thing. I was going too fast. I believe it was because I was nagging him about being official and being needy. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way and would love to be friends with him and grow from there. What do I do?
Hi Kerry.
If he’s receptive and talks to you like a friend, see if he’s willing to be your friend.
If not, you’re going to have to give him a lot more time.
Best regards,
Zan
My ex just got out of the truck one day, then she text, and sent videos of her playing with the grandkids, then she ghosted me. Then she called a week later saying she was in the hospital. I went to visit and spent the night with her and damn if she didn’t ghost me again. I saw her out at a club back with her ex boyfriend. He looked like a little shrimp and old. I was thinking WTF? The sex was great between us.
Hi Sammy.
Ghosting is one of the worst ways she could have chosen to disrespect you. I suggest you think twice about wanting her in your life.
Best regards,
Zan
No contact works BUT not to get him back like it’s sold! Whether you’re dumped or you do the dumping, taking time out for a period of time allows you to see things clearly. You’ll see that actually things ending was for the best and after 30 days you won’t care/won’t want to go back to it even if you do care! So set a reminder for 30 days and in that time diet, revamp your wardrobe, get your hair and nails done and enjoy yourself, just being you. The focus needs to be you,how you feel and your life, not him. I see it as 30 days plus of being really kind to myself and getting ready to get back out there, not a ploy to get someone back that you’re very probably better off without anyway.
Thanks for the amazing comment, Jen.
You’re absolutely right about no contact. It’s about you and your improvements after the breakup. And if your ex comes back, it’s a bonus for your hard work.
Best regards,
Zan
It’s been 31 days no contact, we didn’t argue but he just waits for me to make arrangements or text to call first.. It was exhausting doing everything and he wasn’t making any effort at all. Think I was just been used.
No contact rule is essential when it comes to getting back with your ex as it allows time to heal the wounds and erase some of the negative memories.