The reason why your ex is still friends with you on Facebook, Instagram, and other social media platforms is that your ex doesn’t see a reason to unfriend you.
Your ex is okay with the way things are because you don’t smother, anger, or repulse your ex. You’re probably just minding your business while your ex is minding his or hers.
If you do something to overwhelm your ex, though, the status of your online relationship could change very quickly. You could trigger your ex’s need for space and get unfollowed, deleted, or blocked.
How your ex responds to your social media behavior depends on:
- what kind of updates you post
- how your ex interprets them
- how mature your ex is
- what your ex’s expectations of you are
- what moral code your ex follows
If you don’t post much or anything on Facebook, the chances of your ex unfriending you are much smaller than if you post a ton of happy pictures every day. That’s because happiness and excessive reminders of you could make your ex feel extremely uncomfortable.
They could make your ex so annoyed that your ex unfriends you to avoid feeling uncomfortable now and again in the future. You must remember that your ex craves space and distractions after the breakup. Your ex doesn’t want to see you on social media every day because seeing you brings out his or her unwanted emotions.
I’m talking about the kind of emotions your ex couldn’t deal with and left you for.
So if your ex is still friends with you on Facebook weeks or months after the breakup and you’re wondering why your ex doesn’t just delete you from existence, keep in mind that your ex doesn’t feel the necessity to push you away further.
You’re already at a physical and emotional distance where your ex feels comfortable and in control of his or her life. Your ex can breathe.
But if you suddenly start posting or doing something that makes your ex notice you and/or require his or her attention, your ex could feel suffocated and non-verbally and indirectly ask for space (unfriend you).
In this post, we’ll go into detail about why your ex is still friends with you on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or other social media platforms. We’ll also discuss whether it’s better to unfriend your ex, post once in a while, or fall off the radar if you want your ex to realize your worth and come back.
Why is my ex still friends with me on Facebook?
Many dumpers unfriend and even block their ex after the breakup. They don’t want anything to do with their ex anymore because they feel angry and disappointed.
They think their ex is at fault for the way they feel, so they focus on themselves rather than the person they abandoned and hurt.
Such dumpers have a victim’s mentality and tend to appear elated and self-centered after the breakup.
But then there are dumpers who remain friends with their ex. They don’t love their ex but don’t hate their ex either. They just feel bad for breaking their ex’s heart, so they like their ex’s pictures and converse with their ex.
Such dumpers are known for stringing their ex along as they have no clue they’re giving their ex false hope and making it harder for their ex to detach.
Only dumpers who stay friends with their ex on social media and stay out of their ex’s life after the breakup handle the breakup well.
Whether they stay out of contact for themselves or their ex doesn’t matter. All that matters is that they leave their ex alone to heal and go easy on posting things that their ex could misinterpret and get hurt by.
For half a year or so, the dumper should not publish photos, quotes, or statuses that his or her ex could take personally and obsess about.
Even if the dumper doesn’t have much respect for the dumpee, the dumper should refrain from causing harm out of consideration for his/her ex’s emotional well-being.
So if your ex is a moral person, it’s possible that your ex is still friends with you because your ex doesn’t want to hurt you by deleting you. Your ex may not love you but your ex may also not want to cause you any more pain and suffering than he or she already has.
It’s also possible that your ex doesn’t want to make any emotional decisions right now. Your ex may just want to see if the two of you can be friends one day. It would certainly be much easier for you and your ex to become real friends if you remain friends on Facebook.
Here are 7 reasons why your ex is still friends with you on Facebook.
Why is my ex still friends with my family on Facebook?
Dumpers who have nothing against their ex’s family think that deleting their ex’s family members is rude, so they keep them on their profiles and converse with them occasionally.
Whether they interact with them, of course, depends on how well they got along when they were still with their ex. If they got along very well and knew each other for many years, they sometimes stay in touch for months until they get used to life without them.
That’s when they slowly drift apart and focus on other things.
Only dumpers who can’t handle breakup emotions and really want to disassociate from their ex remove their ex’s family immediately and completely. Such dumpers decide to cut off everyone related to their ex and/or anyone who may be on their ex’s side.
They can appear cruel.
So is it a good sign if your ex is still friends with your family on Facebook?
It’s a good sign in terms of your ex liking your family and not associating the pain or unease from the relationship with them. But just because your ex gets along with them or used to get along with them, it doesn’t mean that your ex will come back because of them.
Your family is your family and you are you. Your ex will need to change the way he or she perceives YOU. If your ex got along with your family, that’s just a bonus and not a reason to come back.
Should I unfriend my ex on Facebook if want my ex back?
If you want your ex back, you shouldn’t delete your ex on social media because it depicts anger and weakness. It shows you’re unhappy with the breakup and that you need to remove your ex to feel better.
You should, however, remove your ex if it’s been a few weeks and you can’t stop checking up on your ex, going through your ex’s online photos, seeing your ex hang out with other people, and getting hurt.
If unfollowing your ex (hiding notifications) doesn’t help and your ex keeps posting things that make you analyze his or her behavior, them deleting your ex or deactivating your profile would be a very smart thing to do.
It’d be better to indirectly tell your ex you’re not happy with the things he or she is doing than to suffer because of his or her lack of morals and understanding.
So if you’re still deciding what to do regarding your ex-boyfriend’s or ex-girlfriend’s social media accounts, do what’s best for your health.
If unfollowing doesn’t suffice because you can’t stop yourself from visiting your ex’s profile, consider removing your ex or deleting your account.
You can always give your account to a friend or family member for safekeeping for a few months. That person will keep it safe until you’ve recovered and regained your composure.
Should I post on social media or disappear completely?
When it comes to “attracting” your ex back with social media, you should keep two things in mind.
- Your ex knows who you are and won’t be fooled if you suddenly portray yourself differently.
- Your ex associates negative emotions with you and won’t like seeing too much of you.
Just how the breakup is the hardest for you right after the breakup, it’s also the hardest for your ex.
I don’t mean that your ex is going through withdrawal or hurting the way you’re hurting. That seldom happens to dumpers. It tends to happen to dumpers who get cheated on or those who feel they have no choice but to dump their ex.
What I mean when I say it’s hard for your ex is that your ex is trying to disassociate from you and start a new chapter of his or her life without you.
So when you keep posting things and telling your ex you’re still around, you make it very hard for your ex to enjoy life.
You remind your ex of the reasons he or she broke up with you and make your ex want to communicate with you even less.
So if you’re wondering whether you should post anything on social media at all, the answer to this question depends on what you want and how ready your ex is to receive updates on your life.
If you want to post because it’s who you are (not because you want to prove something to your ex), you should post now and then. But you definitely shouldn’t spam your ex’s wall right after the breakup when you’re the last person your ex wants to see.
It’s hard to say exactly when it’s safe to reappear after the breakup because every dumper processes the breakup at a different rate. But you probably shouldn’t get crazy on social media for a few months. Or better yet, you shouldn’t post before your ex has gotten out of the relief and elation stages of a breakup and feels emotionally ready (maybe even curious) to see what you’re up to.
When your ex becomes curious and nostalgic is when you can post pictures of your accomplishments that show you’ve been busy and productive.
But right after the breakup, you probably shouldn’t post anything. Especially not if you’re hurt and wish to obtain recognition from your ex.
Posting pictures (happy or not) won’t have a good effect on your ex when your ex is elated and certain that leaving you was the right thing to do.
It will affect your ex the way it needs to only when (1) your ex gets some space from you or (2) when your ex gets hurt and realizes that he or she shouldn’t have dumped you.
What if my ex deletes me after a while?
If you follow this advice but your ex still unfriends you, the issue is not with you, but with your ex. Your ex isn’t able to process breakup emotions yet and may not for a while because your ex has been focusing on the wrong things.
Instead of trying to process unhealthy emotions such as resentment, your ex distracted himself or herself from them. Your ex merely pushed unwanted emotions away rather than try to identify and address them.
You probably already know how important it is for people to work on themselves after the breakup.
If they don’t take the time after the breakup seriously and self-reflect, they can’t expect to grow and change the way they feel.
The breakup alone isn’t enough for ex-couples to change. It’s their thoughts and efforts that allow them to become the best versions of themselves.
That’s why you shouldn’t expect an ex who deletes you months after the breakup to let go of resentments and other unhealthy associations any time soon. It likely won’t happen because an ex who deletes you is unlikely to change his or her mentality and perceptions of you.
It’s much more likely for him or her to hold on to negative perceptions for power and keep moving forward.
So what do when your ex can’t overcome negative breakup emotions and give you the respect you deserve?
You act as if your ex didn’t delete you and keep moving on. You need to be strong because if you react negatively, you’re going to suffocate your ex and feel even worse as a result.
There’s always a chance that your ex will one day regret breaking up with you and unfriending you on social media. But when that happens, your ex will have a lot of growing up to do. Your ex will have to roll up his or her sleeves and do whatever it takes not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.
Until that happens, focus on yourself. You can’t put your life on hold for someone who isn’t doing the same for you.
Is your ex still friends with you on Facebook? Does this give you hope? Post your story below.
And if you’d like to talk to us about your ex’s behavior in private, visit coaching for more information.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Totally agree with Doug here. I went through (am still a long way from healed) a very painful break up in May (following one stupid fall out in our 2 year relationship) me being the dumpee and blindsided by it. I went NC. I unfriended the ex on FB approx 6 weeks later as it was clear no reconciliation was on the cards, from his side. I unfriended, as at that time I could not further deal with being relegated to just the friend zone, when I was still in love with him. If he wanted to reconcile, he had other means to reach out to me other than FB. His silence spoke painful volumes. Fast forward- he got engaged in October and posted it on FB. I only saw the post through a mutual friends timeline and am so hurt and shocked by this news. Since then it appears that the ex has now completely blocked me on FB. I’m in an awful dark place right now, and feel like any healing which i may have progressed in has been completely reversed.
Aimee, I’m very sorry. I was blindsided by my ex-wife after six and a half years. I thought we had a great marriage. It’s incredibly painful and traumatic when it happens, and I believe makes getting over the breakup infinitely more difficult. I cut off all contact – unfriended, unfollowed her and all her friends and family. I didn’t want to see what I was certain to see: her with a new guy, possibly her next husband. It’s the only way to go. I’m still not over her two and a half years later. But until I meet someone new, I’ll never look for her online. Nothing good comes from it.
Hi Doug,
Many thanks for the reply. My heart goes out to you and what you have been through. 2 and a half years is a mighty time to grieve. You are so right, in that online check ins of exes bring no good and add to any existing pain for the dumpee. Commend yourself for full NC after the BU, as hard as it is to stick to sometimes. I wish you only true happiness and complete healing. Take good care of YOU – today, tomorrow and forever.
Thanks so much, Aimee. She was the love of my life. It took me decades to find her. It will take a long, long time before I’m ok with losing her, if ever.
I wish you happiness and healing as well. It’s not an easy road to be on. What you experienced was incredibly traumatic. Be patient with yourself and your recovery.
Thank you for your kind words Doug. You come across as a very caring and compassionate person. To me, it seems as though the biggest loss lies on your ex-wife’s side – SHE has lost a very special kind of person. Nonetheless, that doesn’t negate your grief. I totally get where you are coming from with that. Healing isn’t linear, I know, but we must all keep focused on the light at the end of the dark tunnel. This too shall pass.
Thanks so much, Aimee. I really appreciate it. Yes, I was extraordinarily good to her. When I met her she was broke, and had been in and out of toxic relationships for years. I took her in and changed her life. Took her all over the world, many times, spoiled her – not as a bribe, but because she used to be extremely good to me. Supported her in everything she did. We were best friends. She threw away something she’s very unlikely to find again.
Aimee and Doug, I feel your pain. I was in a three year relationship just to be suddenly blind sided, discarded and replaced when just the day before I was the best thing to ever happen to her (her words). I’m over a year out, she got married within a few months after the break up and I am still in a state of disbelief. Along with Zan’s articles, I think another great thing to read up on are personality disorders. If someone can treat you like you are the best thing one day and discard you the next and treat you like you never existed, something isn’t right upstairs. Be well.
Absolutely. My wife gave me an anniversary card telling me how amazing our marriage was and looking forward to many years to come. We were going to get a dog. It’s a beautiful card. She left two weeks later without even a conversation that something was wrong. That’s not normal behavior. She moved in with another guy a few months after that. Got dumped a few months after that. And god knows what state of chaos her life is in now.
Not normal at all. It’s very disturbing because it makes you feel used and question how real the relationship even was if you could be disposed of and replaced so easily. I made the mistake of reaching out to my ex twice within a month of the break up before going no contact and it was like talking to someone I didn’t recognize. Ice cold. To the disordered we are like supply. You just have to keep the door closed if they try to recycle and use you again.
You nailed it. You feel completely used, question the reality of the relationship itself, and after they leave, a different human being appears. Nasty, vicious. No appreciation for what you had, or all you did for them. It’s a form of insanity that the dumpee is forced to experience. After my ex got dumped, she showed up at my door in the middle of the day unannounced. I was in another relationship at that point. It was bizarre. My girlfriend could have been with me. I told her I was working and she smugly left. She never tried to come back again. You’re a pawn to them. A facilitator of their agenda. I loved my wife endlessly, but she’s deader than dead to me now
Vicious, nasty, cold, disconnected…Doug, it’s sad to see this side of them especially when we had no way of detecting it before. It’s like who are you and where is the person I was just with for three years? Very disturbing. Isn’t it funny how they always return when you have finally moved on or are in another relationship? It’s like a signal is sent into the universe that tells them to return because they have exhausted all other options and want to ruin your new happiness by taking it away. Mine hasn’t returned yet but I have seen it in others before and wouldn’t discount it for the future with this one.
Absolutely. I’ve often said, ‘I’ll hear from my ex (after months of silence) as soon as I’m in a new relationship’. And it’s bizarre how it actually happens.
So true Anon. Your sad circumstances sound very similar to my own situation. My ex was still declaring his undying love for me in the morning, and dumped me the same day early evening. What the?? Does make you question the whole relationship though – was it all one big illusion? Awful thoughts to have. I really feel for you & wish you all the best for your healing. Take care.
Thanks, Aimee. You as well. Something I have learned to take away from my experience is to really notice the words vs the actions. If someone constantly tells you how much you mean to them, they are more likely to walk away in an instant. Someone who truly cares for you will show it in their actions rather than always having to say it. That to me shows that they care for who you are and not just how you make them feel.
“Something isn’t right upstairs “ – that made me chuckle, and I could certainly do with more of those lately!! Thank you 🙏
My ex had me on his Facebook friends (that didn’t give me any hope), but before changing the status of his online relationship, he unfriends my family and me.
You teach me to focus on myself and that I can’t put my life on hold for someone who isn’t doing the same.
So I’m always so grateful for your help, Zan ❤️
Hi Linda.
Your ex didn’t want you and your family to see what he was up to anymore. For some reason, he decided it was best to keep it to friends and family only.
Zan
Linda, well said!
Personally, I think the healthiest thing is to go separate ways. Unfriend, unfollow. If an ex finds that they’re missing you or regretting their decision, they know how to contact you. But don’t be witness to their lives online. It will almost certainly be emotionally damaging if you’re the dumpee.
If a dumper has remained friends on facebook, for instance, it’s because they have zero emotions/care about you being with another person and moving on. You’re just a person they used to know. They may still care about you, but not in the way you want them to care about you. Surveillance is another reason. In short, none of the reasons are healthy for the dumpee.
Hi Doug.
I agree with you. Thanks for sharing. 🙏
Zan