If you’re a dumpee, you’re probably following a strict regiment of no contact and doing your very best not to reach out to your ex. You’re probably counting the days since you’ve stopped talking to your ex—similarly to how we see prisoners in movies count their days (on the walls).
The only difference between you and them is that most prisoners know they’ll be free one day. They eventually get another chance to learn their lessons, improve their behavior, and perhaps even start over.
They basically have the certainty that everything will be okay, whereas you don’t.
You’re trapped in an uncertain, frightening predicament with absolutely no way to tell how the story will unfold. Due to the unpredictability of the breakup, you’re left alone with your scary thoughts and painful emotions and feel like you messed up and that the situation is hopeless.
In a way, a lack of hope isn’t necessarily a bad thing as it’s helping you detach. But a lack of hope is hurting you because you’re losing too much hope too quickly. You need to lose just the right amount of hope at the right kind of speed because that way, you can remain in control of your emotional health and swiftly deal with difficult days when you feel down.
Deep inside, you probably think that tally-marking the days of no contact will make your post-breakup situation more bearable and quicker to pass.
But the truth is that counting the days during no contact won’t help them go by any quicker. Sure, it will give you a sense of control and make you feel better, but it will also make your days seem long. Especially the days when you feel anxious and depressed.
Unlike good, happy moments that pass quickly, painful ones, unfortunately, distort your perception of time and tend to drag on forever. They feel like time is moving in slow motion and that the pain will never go away.
If you stay in no contact, though, you won’t feel this way forever. Soon, you’ll detach, lose hope, regain your strength, and see that it doesn’t matter why your ex hasn’t reached out yet. You simply won’t care because you’ll have better things to think about.
But until you stop caring about your ex’s reasons for staying away, you probably need some answers. Answers that prevent you from losing your sanity and contacting your ex.
So if you want to feel strong and watch the time after the breakup to move the way it does for other people, know that the only way for you to achieve that is to distract yourself and get busy.
You need to find a way to get the answers you need so that you can focus entirely on yourself and eventually stop asking questions such as “Why hasn’t my ex tried to contact me during no contact?”
When you’ve stopped prioritizing your ex, you’ll realize that not waiting for your ex to contact you during no contact does three things for you.
- Lowers your expectations of your ex coming back.
- Promotes recovery.
- And helps you enjoy your life.
If you’re trying to learn more about dumpers’ behavior and breakups in general, today we’re going to help you with that. We’re going to talk about the reasons why your ex hasn’t tried to contact you during/after no contact and mention what you should do.
Why hasn’t my ex tried to contact me?
There are many reasons why your ex hasn’t tried to contact you. But there’s one particular reason that stands out from the rest.
That reason is that your ex doesn’t want to get back with you. Your ex is happy with the way things are, so he or she simply doesn’t need to contact you and discuss unimportant things.
Your ex prefers to focus on himself/herself and by doing so, keep you at a safe distance. Distance helps your ex avoid feeling negative breakup emotions and allows him or her to focus on things that make your ex feel better.
Some of those things include spending time with friends, enjoying various hobbies and activities, and even dating someone else. These things make your ex feel good whereas the thought of contacting you scares your ex or makes him or her feel uncomfortable.
It reminds your ex of times when the relationship didn’t make him or her happy and causes your ex to avoid you like the plague.
So whatever you do, don’t think that your ex is waiting by the phone to hear from you because he or she definitely isn’t. Your ex spent days or weeks prior to the breakup mustering up the courage to leave you.
He or she demonized you for so long that when your ex finally left, you practically had no more romantic value left. You quickly became someone your ex didn’t admire anymore and wanted to run away from. And that’s how your ex perceives you now that the relationship has ended.
I’m not saying your ex only remembers the bad times, but the good times don’t affect your ex very much as your ex isn’t ready for them to affect him/her. Your ex is still processing the breakup and enjoying the space and relief the breakup provides for him or her.
But when your ex stops feeling bitter and associating toxic thoughts and emotions with you, your ex could once again feel neutral about you. That’s when your ex could finally remember the good parts of the relationship, become curious, and reach out.
Here’s a picture explaining why your ex hasn’t tried to contact you.
Your ex has a victim mentality
The most possible reason why your ex hasn’t tried to contact you during no contact is that your ex has a victim mentality and doesn’t want to view you in a better light. Your ex is perfectly comfortable with the way he or she is and perceives you as doing so gives your ex power and control over you.
It lets your ex reassure himself or herself that the breakup was your fault and that it needed to happen no matter what.
Victim mentality is probably one of the most common causes of breakups as well as post-breakup problems dumpees encounter. This mentality prevents dumpers from treating their exes with respect and stops them from growing as people and coming back.
Victimized dumpers fail to see things from their ex’s perspective, so they point fingers and refuse to take responsibility even if they see that their ex is more right than they are. That’s because they’re furious and can’t deal with fury rationally the way dumpees want them to.
If your ex has a victim mentality, your ex is likely angry and bitter. He or she uses anger to stay resolute about the breakup because doing so tells your ex his or her decisions are justified.
Such a person will have a hard time dealing with breakup emotions and will likely need a very long time and perhaps even something painful to run out of anger (power) and develop a desire to reconnect with you.
Your ex doesn’t love you, like you, or respect you
It’s no secret that your ex doesn’t love you anymore.
He or she stopped loving you at some point prior to the breakup and was merely waiting for an excuse to pull the trigger. When your ex found that excuse, your ex decided to leave immediately and didn’t look back. Your ex focused solely on himself or herself and used suffocation, relief, anger, and other negative emotions for self-empowerment.
The thing with breakups is that dumpers don’t just fall out of love. They also lose respect, patience, and oftentimes the desire to be friends. They completely disconnect from their ex and try to forget about their ex as they associate such negative emotions with their ex’s persona that they don’t want their ex around even as a friend.
All they want is to be left alone and do the things they like.
If you convince yourself that your ex still loves you and that it’s impossible to go from loving someone today and disliking or hating him tomorrow, you’ll trap yourself in denial. You’ll start to believe that your ex secretly has feelings for you but that pride is preventing your ex from reaching out and conversing with you like you conversed while you were together.
And that will slow down your healing process.
So instead of thinking that your ex might still feel something for you, try to remember that your ex’s love, like, respect, or all these things combined are no longer present. Pre-breakup perceptions and negative post-breakup emotions changed them and made your ex want to be alone.
Your ex is busy dating other people
You probably don’t want to hear this as it’s a cliche, but an ex is an ex for a reason. Something goes wrong in the relationship that causes the dumper to fall out of love with you.
Now that your ex is a free spirit again, your ex is free to date other people. Your ex can spend time with others and even get into a relationship with them. Nothing’s preventing your ex from moving on and dating other people as your ex is no longer committed to you and in love with you.
Your ex has plans that don’t involve you and will prioritize those plans no matter what. You’d think that the dumper won’t date for a while because he or she isn’t ready to date, but that’s seldom the case. Most of the time, the dumper is detached and can jump into a serious relationship right away.
This explains why so few dumpers get into a rebound relationship (a relationship that fails because the dumper isn’t ready emotionally).
Dumpers usually start dating right away because doing so feels good, keeps them busy and distracted, and helps them move on. It allows them to avoid communicating with their ex and gives them what they need to feel validated.
So if your ex is dating someone else, this is likely the reason (or a part of the reason) why you haven’t heard from your ex yet. Your ex didn’t need to contact you because your ex has been infatuated with the new person and had no reason to communicate with an ex (you).
Your ex will likely have to get out of the infatuation stage and into the neutrality stage before your ex decides to give you a call. Don’t expect your ex to talk to you if your ex is in the early stages of a new relationship.
Your ex can’t let go of the past
This is the issue most dumpers face. They feel such strong negative emotions for their ex that they can’t forgive their ex and let go of grudges. Instead of letting go of them, they keep thinking about them and making them bigger.
This is how their perception of their ex remains unhealthy and prevents them from developing a desire to communicate with their ex.
An ex who can’t let go of the past usually thinks or talks badly about dumpers. The dumper can’t get over the past because the dumper doesn’t have the strength, willpower, and knowledge to bury the hatchet and get over the negative feelings the breakup created.
In other terms, the dumper hasn’t learned what caused his or her negative emotions and/or has no desire to do anything about them. It’s easier to hold exes accountable than it is to resolve difficult perceptions and emotions and be mature about it.
Not every dumper is that mature. Many lack the ability to process the past and see the good in their ex.
Don’t worry about hearing from your ex!
Whether your ex reaches out or not doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the fact that talking to your ex won’t fix the issues that caused the breakup and make your ex see what a great person you are. Talking to your ex will likely just reopen your wounds and give you a ton of anxiety.
It will make you see that your ex doesn’t want you back as a romantic partner but rather as a friend. And that will make you hungry for your ex’s validation and hinder your detachment process.
If you want what’s best for you, you shouldn’t hope that your ex reaches out and talks to you about random things. You should keep moving on and let your ex talk to you only if it’s about getting back together. If it’s about anything else, you should immediately find a way to end the conversation and go back to no contact.
That way, you’ll have fewer things to analyze about your ex and allow yourself to keep moving forward with your life.
So rest assured that not hearing from your ex is a good thing. It’s a million times better than getting breadcrumbed every few days and wondering if your ex speaks to you because your ex still has feelings for you. Those who don’t receive breadcrumbs feel better and recover quicker.
They shouldn’t be pitied, but rather envied as they’re given a great chance to disconnect from their ex and find inner peace.
Are you wondering, “Why hasn’t my ex tried to contact me?” Do you feel a bit less hopeful after reading this article? Let us know below the post.
And if you’d like to discuss breakup matters in private, click here to learn more about our services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
This is an older article so I’m not even sure if you still check these haha but hey, writing out experiences can help.
So I’m in a bit of a different situation. Basically I didn’t realize I fell in love with one of my best friends when she already had a bf. A lot of this was denying that I could be attracted to girls and guys, but none the less, I didn’t realize it until she “broke up” with me about a week and a half ago. I’ve gotten caught on counting the days. It’s so strange because it got there with her first saying she might have feelings at the beginning of our friendship and then taking it back the next day. However that lead into some strange in between a friendship and relationship with me being so unaware and her getting attention from me and her bf. I’m not absolving my part in the messy, blurry lines but I also know she lead me on and feels like she used me for her bicuriois exploration. She started to decrease communication a few months ago and I was getting insecure and scared (anxious attachment) and now that I realize I fell for her, it makes more sense why I tried to hold on so much and probably smothered her at times. So, as I was anticipating, she ended it – but it was the most vague TEXT in the world ending with I wish you happiness in your life. There was zero clarification or answers, and then I’m pretty sure she blocked me because she is a major avoider. Didn’t answer my two texts, and then I decided to go no contact because she wouldn’t get them anyways. What sucks majorly is that she’s making the deliberate choice to leave when she knows my fear of abandonment. And it’s not like I was asking her to leave her bf; obviously we needed to take a step back and revisit our friendship as a friendship. But what is making me so painfully sad if the idea of never seeing or hearing from her again. Your comment about the dumper spending weeks it months “planning” this hit so hard because it almost feels like they went through their grief process and now they’re good. And she’s probably convinced herself this was so healthy because she’s on a new track of “putting her needs before others.” And the idea of someone being relieved of you when you were there and cared so much is heart wrenching. She had a fail safe in her bf, and she either finally realized that we were never just friends, or is avoiding that truth and had other excuses that involve blaming me. It’s not a traditional break up, but it sure feels the same. I miss my friend and I’d take back the blurry lines to have had just that but now she’s basically erased me from her life and made herself feel better with compliments in the last text. I’m not sure how to not hold on to hope of just wanting her to hear me and listen and maybe apologize for how she handled it – that’s why this blog hit me so painfully. But if she never becomes aware of how she impacted me, she’s not gonna reach out. Or at least not for years as like an “omg we haven’t spoken in forever” or because our profession. I didn’t get the full fun experiences of being in love in a relationship, and she didn’t even know She made me fall for her.
lol zan, you need tact. Don’t go into therapy there is almost nothing healing about this post. Definitely triggered my self harm impulses.
No doubt even in break up I still do love her. We dated for 10 years and 9 months. We had plans of getting married this year and when we confronted her parents (her parents knows me and she knows my parents to), about it, they told us they will get back to us. She is a Christian and a Muslim. Out of the blue after a month we talked to the parents, my girl told me she can’t continue again with us that she was told we can’t work out!!! Her mum didn’t even call my mum and explain or call me to explain. Everything was done by her…its her 3rd time now…and I didnt want her to go..i call and all and she stopped communicating with me entirely..we have never has an issue and we stayed complete 3 days not talking..i went on no contact for 6 days (cause everytime I reach out, I end up crying) and on the 6th day after she saw me online, she delete my number and private her last seen to be contact only (I know this cause she often check my WhatsApp Status). I relapsed and called her and talked and talked (ended up in tears). I needed closure from her and I was getting heart broken the way she was handling it like I wasn’t the one again…i knew her since 2009 and am proud to say that I never had any girl aside her all through..if am missing her too much (cause at a point due to our work, we are 10 hours away from each other), I call her and we phone sex. I was connected to her and I thought she was connected to me..now I am certain she is with another guy (cause when I asked her why she is acting all this way, she told me she is trying to be in another relationship and she prays it works out). I am certain cause the height at which she ignores me is like I am plague.
All my calling and texting and asking questions finally got me blocked ( for almost 10days) and I used my other number again to reach her, she does respond and later she blocked me again on it ( that was this week monday). When she blocked my other number, I decided to back off and respect my dignity. I deleted her number and decided to be me..just two days ago, I discovered that she had already unblocked me again all my numbers but she is not reaching out and I am not reaching out (I got to know cause I decided let me check since I know her number offhand).
Right now she is not texting me nor calling me and I always wish I could talk to her like we are not enemies you don’t have to treat me like this..through out we known each other, she never did any abortion for me, she never saw me cheated on her (in fact I hate her sad or feel that way), I sometimes get angry and mad at her cause of her non chalant acts to me…like she doesn’t care about me and when I bring it up, instead of her understanding me, she won’t and she says sorry without meaning anything. I analyed this all and have reading about break up. Right now, I am scared of moving on to another girl even when I am doing my best to be focus on me now and yet, I almost think about her every now and then and as to why she is acting so mean and detached to me..she broke up I didn’t ….i didn’t say I wasn’t gonna marry her she left me..
Have never been more confused than now…things are just unfolding in way I don’t get right now in.my life.
Less I forget, we went to the same university together, same department after school (compulsory youth service corps), we were also posted to the same state to serve and we were in the same platoon and same primary place of assignment.. All these makes me convince that God has hands in us…after service year, she got a teaching job while I was hunting for 3 years and in 2018, I got a job with health line..we talked about plans and all…i don’t know why it failed.
My going no contact, is it gonna attracts her back or at least feel.sorry for all.the emotional trauma I have been through. She seem to be dating someone else now and she seen happy in it too..
All of this is just cause am a Muslim….it us not fair! Am a Muslim and a human being too…the way she treats me is
I’m sorry to hear about your situation and can relate fully. However I have to be the bad guy and say that if you dating for 10 years without being married the relationship wasn’t ever going to work. You should date at most for 4 years and then pull the trigger. Start over with someone who makes you want them so bad you can’t live without them. Good luck
Great post and it was very informative. As we get older, we have to decide what we want and need. Life is short; it’s full of ups and downs. No one owes anyone anything, though, if you’re going to live the best life possible. Sometimes we have to accept that someone will fall out of love. It’s rare to have someone love unconditionally, without asking for breaks or space. I’m one of these individuals; I’ll give my all and love my partner until the end. They may think I’m dumb or I’m blind, in reality, I’m always looking out for every bump and hurdle. If I can’t compromise and work on things, I’ll let myself out. Better yet, if they ask to be best friends; I’ll kindly say; no thanks. Everyone has a choice, that is why we have to be honest with ourselves and others. Partners that request to break up, they have to accept the consequences. If someone doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore, you don’t owe then a thing. Let them go; let them live a life without you.
This was hard to read but just what I needed. My ex left me a few weeks ago. We had been together almost 2 years (on and off) everything moved quickly, I lived with her for 6 months before we struggled to pay for the house and both decided to move back home. We have been long distance since last January. The relationship was very toxic but I still love her and she told me she loves me she is just “done with the relationship” i am really struggling to let go of hope and begin healing because this is around the 5th time (or more) she has left me. She always leaves but refuses to block my number. She blocked me after a week of me begging her to please go if she doesn’t want me. She did and didn’t bother to contact me again. However my head and heart are in battle with one another because she has a record of leaving me before coming back weeks later when I am starting to feel normal again. When she hasn’t heard from me for a long time she comes back to tell me that she wants me back. I just can’t take much more of this. I know this time is different because when I spoke to her, she was cold and seemed happy and ready to let me go. She said she wishes the best for me but does not want to see me again. I am heartbroken beyond any kind of words. I just honestly do not know how to cope with this, this time is the hardest because in my heart I know she really is done.
This was the funniest post I’ve ever read on this site,loved the analogy of the convict,LOL!!!
Funniest? What is funny about it? That’s an insensitive comment to anyone that is going through some tough times. I’m pretty sure there wasn’t any humor intended.
Hey folks
Hopefully this can help some off you guys, my ex-wife left me a little over two years ago for another married man, I was devastated and spent hours looking up how to win an ex back, couldn’t sleep focus on work etc. I then meet an amazing woman and fell in love with her and had an such an amazing relationship I would never go back to my ex-wife, although I am not with that woman anymore (my fault this time) I messed up 6 weeks ago I pushed her away as wasn’t sure if i was ready to live together we both had kids etc. I can tell you know when it’s too late I would do it in the morning, however getting back to the original comment my and my ex-wife had been together since we were 16 and never been with anyone else I couldn’t look past her and drove her further away with falling apart and begging, then I meet that new woman and seen what true love is although it’s over I hope she finds the happiness she deserves and if she ever reaches out I will be ready with open arms if not learn the lesson and move on, focus on yourself and everything else will fall into place be it getting back with an ex, finding someone new or been on your own, fear is what is holding you back
Hello – My ex girlfriend broke up with me 1 month ago after 14 months. Things moved fast and after about 1 month I had been staying at her place and living together. 6 months later we talked about marriage. We then bought a house together and moved in to spend the rest of our lives together. 4 months later I came home and all of her things were gone. She took half of the furniture and left me a letter saying she didn’t think we are right for each other. We had been having some issues that I assumed are minor and we were working through them. Some of my issues were that she was smothering at times and I felt she didn’t communicate things she was feeling. Her issues were that she felt I wasn’t the man she fell in love with. She felt I took her for granted and she said she felt unloved. She is right. I felt we were working out these issues and was stunned to come home that day to an empty house. Brand new home, all the work we put into getting it. All the time and money spent on new things and moving. We are talking over $15000 in purchases not to mention the down payment and the fact we now own a home that I can not afford without her.
She left Dec 19 2019 and blocked my number and I didn’t know what to think. Was it all a lie? What did I do to deserve this? It was horrible. In her letter she said we should sell the house right away. She told me to get utilities put into my name and that I could pay her for the washer and dryer she bought on credit. $1200. She left a lawyers name and number and said I should contact him with any questions. I was shocked. How could this woman who loved me so much and gave so much to me treat me like I didn’t matter? Keep in mind this is a woman who was wonderful. She loved me so much. She would do anything for me without me asking. She cared and was supportive. She was an absolute dream. I know she loves me even right now.
I finally got a text from her 11 days later. I replied and said we should meet in person to talk about the house and how to resolve the issues with the house. We both own the home having her leave put us both in a horrible financial situation. She agreed to meet new years day – her idea – I had asked if we could spend new years eve together and just have a fun night. She was slow to reply and I eventually texted and said I was worried she was out on a date. Her reply was MIKE I AM NOT ON A DATE, like that very idea was insulting to her. So New years day came and instead of meeting I texted her and told her I didn’t want to see her. I would just text her what she needed to know about the house and some other business we have and that seeing her under the idea of business was not what I wanted. That if she wanted to see me and talk about us that I would be willing. I told her how I felt and that I was going to give her what she wanted. The freedom to be away from me. Like the saying if someone loves you let the leave and if they return it was meant to be. I told her I wouldn’t contact her again and that was goodbye.
She replied 3 hours later with a very long text about why she left and how bad she was feeling. Telling me I made her feel unloved, took her for granted, didn’t appreciate her. That she tried to tell me many times how she was feeling and she just could not be with me anymore. She said she didn’t care about the $1200 washer and dryer and I could do what I want with it, even though she is still paying for it. She said she would sign anything for the house and didn’t care what happened with it. She basically was giving up everything. I told her how sorry I was and that I honestly did not know how bad she was feeling. I thought we were just having normal relationship problems and we could work them out.
I tried to convince her I would change, I begged and pleaded and asked for another chance hoping she wouldn’t throw away everything we worked for. She texted me 1 last time and that was over a week ago. It was another long text full of emotion and pain and hurt. She was not mean but you could tell she is very hurt by how she felt treated. I been texting her to convince her I would fight for her and I love her and would not quit. I sent her poems I wrote and joked with her to make her laugh. I could always make her laugh and smile. I told her she was being unfair. I was very respectful and didn’t say anything mean or try to make her feel bad. I just said I deserve a chance to make things right. We still love each other. I know she still loves me. But she has not texted me back. She also has not blocked my number like she did when she moved out. I even told her if she wants me to stop fighting and leave her alone to text and say she doesn’t love me and to block me. She has not. Since she isn’t responding I have decided to go no contact. It took 11 days after she left to text me so I am hoping she will miss me and want to try
She signed a 2 year lease for her new apartment and left everything and lost all that money we invested and now because I cant afford the home without her, which she knows, the house will be foreclosed in a few months. She wont even be able to file bankruptcy cause she did 3 years ago and cant do it again for 5 years. I know she loves me but she is hurt so bad that she wont speak to me and is willing to lose everything now. I don’t know what to do. I am holding on to hope and faith that her love for me will be enough to bring her back. But I fear that I have lost her and it sucks cause I do love her and want to marry her. I just don’t know if she will give me a chance. She is very determined and strong willed so I fear any replies will be what I already know….she is gone and never going to give me a chance.
Any thoughts are appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Hi Michael:
I am sorry to see the situation you are in. Are you still in no contact? If so I would suggest you remain so indefinitely, either to see if she comes back or if she doesn’t you will be able to heal. I was dumped around the same time as you were, and have been in no contact for 2 weeks now. Most people seem to think that no contact does work to bring an ex back. I have also heard that it does not work when the women do the dumping. We can only wait and see, as each person’s situation is different. It’s worth a try. Have you tried to research attachment theory to try to get an understanding of both of your attachment styles? It might help to do so, so you get a better understanding of what is happening. Women tend to plan their exit from a relationship long in advance. The men often think nothing is wrong in the relationship, then suddenly the get a shock when she suddenly ends the relationship. The best thing is to get an understanding of where things went wrong, but that can be difficult when one of the parties is unwilling to talk about it. I was dumped suddenly too, only to find out at the moment of dumping that I was supposedly too controlling. I was dumped by an avoidant, She did not see her own controlling/selfish/dismissive behavior that led to me becoming more aggressive to try to preserve the relationship. So she bailed. But everyone’s situation is unique. My advice is to research attachment theory and see if you can gain an understanding. Also remain in no contact. Best wishes.
thank you for the reply
the first no contact was 11 days cause i knew I was blocked. She unblocked me and contacted me about business. We had limited texting for about a week with her giving me 2 very long emotional replies. I still tried to contact her for the next week, but no replies from her….so my now indefinite no contact has just been 2 days
Geez – this is a great description of her
Preoccupied (Anxious)
Insecure in intimate relationships; constantly worried about rejection and abandonment; preoccupied with relationship; “hyperactivates” attachment needs and behavior.
Needy; requires ongoing reassurance; want to “merge” with partner, which scares partner away.
Ruminates about unresolved past issues from family-of-origin, which intrudes into present perceptions and relationships (fear, hurt, anger, rejection).
Overly sensitive to partner’s actions and moods; takes partner’s behavior too personally.
Highly emotional; can be argumentative, combative, angry and controlling; poor personal boundaries.
Communication is not collaborative; unaware of own responsibility in relationship issues; blames others.
Unpredictable and moody; connects through conflict, “stirs the pot.”
Inconsistent attunement with own children, who are likely to be anxiously attached.
Yes. Anxious/Preoccupied people need constant attention and reassurance that their partner still loves them. I am one of those as well. I ended up pushing my partner away, but she was Avoidant. What about your attachment style? Maybe you should research that as well and take an assessment.
Hi Michael:
I am in the similar situation as you are,my girl left me few days ago and i couldn’t address the underlying issues for about 1 month as i been having ongoing health issues,a month ago,under a lot of pressure and maybe under the influence of heavy doses of medicines i talked to her rudely during conversation,rude enough to hurt her bad,but i still can’t believe that was me doing that.It took her one month of breaking period to finalize that she has given up on me.I m left in pieces,i tried everything i could to keep her happy and content,but in the end it was because of my words she reached that conclusion of never talking me again.After breakup i did some begging and pleading too,when i tried to tell her it wasn’t fair to break up like this,she blocked me saying she is blocking me from her life and now it feels less burden to her as i made her clear her decision was right.Sometimes no matter how much love and care you give,your mistakes take over the good things you ever done.The same happend in my case.
During breakup i also told her how i was planning to apologize to her and was content to make it work again.But,she didn’t listen to any of it,saying she waited too long.
I texted her apologizing for all the mistakes i have done and took responsibility of them,now waiting for her to come back as i know she also loves me deep down.
Here i want to tell everyone,it takes a lot of efforts from both sides to make a relationship work,sometimes we get so busy in our own lives(office,family etc.)and the pressure that we forget we’re part of a relationship too and our partner is expecting us to reach to them,if you hurt her.
During the relationship i been commited,loyal and always there to fight any issues she been facing,i was away but tried my best to keep her happy.
Wish i could get her back,as my life seems empty without her.But that’s not in my hands now.Still Waiting…
Hello Shasha:
The hurt that comes with these kind of breakups are often excruciating. There is nothing worse than being loyal, kind and caring only to have someone discard you like a piece of trash with no care or concern in the world for your feelings. You should try going no contact indefinitely. No contact is powerful and can help you heal, and in some cases it does bring your ex back. I am in no contact with my ex now and it has been a month, and I am starting to be able to deal with it a little.
Your situation is somewhat similar to mine. I was dumped by my ex after she claimed I was rude and controlling. It turned out we were in the anxious – avoidant relationship where I am the anxious one. Your situation appears to be similar. Anxious people get a bad rap for being too needy, clingy, insecure and pushing their partners away. What they don’t focus on is that anxious attached people are some of the most warm, loyal, caring, affectionate people who would sacrifice everything they have for someone they care deeply about. Sounds familiar?
On the other hand their partners can be poor relationship material. They don’t care about anything but themselves. In the beginning they are ‘normal’ though, but they change during the relationship, and eventually destroy it. They quickly discard the relationship and move on to their next victim. One of the most difficult thing I have noticed to have to deal with is that their behavior is what starts things going bad, but the reactionary behavior of their partner is what gets noticed. People then assume you are the aggressor. I have seen it many times. I hope you heal soon. Stay in no contact. Avoid temptations to reach out. Let her reach out after she misses you. It may take months, but you will be better able to handle it then. Good luck.
I read your whole post. I’m going to give you one advice and perhaps you should write it down, so you remember for the rest of your life.
Make your life good, with a job you love, a hobby like gym, friends, etc.. Turn your life into something that you enjoy living it every single day, so when a woman leaves you, you don’t get so affected.
Now it’s time to swallow the red pill. A relationship will always end, either through a break up or one of you dies. A woman will have no mercy, not only she will leave you, but she will blame it on you (she didn’t feel loved, blabla). Another thing you need to understand, it as a man, you NEVER try to initiate any relationship problem solving, so fixing things, talk about things, give another try is not something you should do. That’s what a woman should be doing. No matter what she says or does, you should always be INDIFFERENT. She wants leave… Ok fine.
If I had to guess, your relationship moved too fast, meaning she wasn’t even full in love with you, and you guys were already living together. Now she is scared you’re not the one and she feels trapped. For future reference, never move in with a woman before 1,5 – 2 years.
“Another thing you need to understand, it as a man, you NEVER try to initiate any relationship problem solving, so fixing things, talk about things, give another try is not something you should do. That’s what a woman should be doing. No matter what she says or does, you should always be INDIFFERENT.”
LOL um yes hello, … is this 1920’s?
Forget about her,she’s definitely made up her mind and she’s trying not to hit you anymore. Get your financial situation straightened out with her and move on
Hello. I’m new here.
I was involved with what I can clearly say after 5 years was an Avoidant type woman. From what I have read up on I am an Anxious attachment type. I have been in no contact for 2 weeks now. The question I have is why (assuming I want her back) would an avoidant woman come back if their personality is to avoid in the first place. What causes them to return? What is she feeling right now? She has not tried to contact me. She dumped me saying that I was too controlling. Maybe its my Anxious type, I don’t know. I noticed she became more distant over the past year, so I might have increased my attempts at getting her to be more intimate and inadvertently became too demanding on her. Any thoughts?
Hi ELF,
I was dumped four months ago after three years by an Avoidant woman, so I can relate. The biggest thing I have learned about it from therapists and relationship coaches is that the Avoidants are quick to anger when their particular needs aren’t met. They consider themselves forgiving because of a warped sense of sacrifice – it’s likely your woman felt she was suffering for a really long time, giving you the ‘benefit of the doubt’, sacrificing her own happiness for yours.
This is more likely the case if she was harsh in the parting, even though you’ve done little or nothing wrong and are a good catch. This is the latent anger coming out at not ‘meeting her needs.’ Avoidants are often bad at communication (they lack expressiveness), and expect others to read them (mind read expectations), which obviously leads them to be disappointed in relationships after a time, as no one can read their signals when they need help.
In Avoidants, I was told you really need a long time to wait for them to calm down, stop blaming you and miss the good things about you. When I was dumped by a non-Avoidant in the past, they missed me a lot quicker because their reason for leaving was more spontaneous than with an Avoidant. If there are lots of good things, bear in mind that they will eventually realise this – have faith – and will make contact.
However, their contact can often be quite superficial. I was told this and experienced a bit of breadcrumbing and a seriously secretive and closed communication style. The biggest thing I have experienced is the bizarre feeling that they are acting like THEY are still the victim, even though they dumped the person and haven’t asked how they are, or what effect the dumping had on them.
Becoming more distant is what happened to me somewhat, but this was subtle: we were planning a future for the last 8 months or so, and when we came back from travelling, this distance increased gradually as we talked more about it and got down to brass tacks about places to live together, marriage etc. Therapists said that it’s likely she listened to inner and external voices suggesting that someone who couldn’t read her every need won’t be suitable for a life partner and she pulled away.
The one heartening thing I was told is that because Avoidants are often self-saboteurs, particularly women, they leave relationships with people they genuinely love and are still attracted to. They break their own hearts ‘for the best.’ Because of this, try not to take every bit of advice on these and other posts such as ‘They’re no longer attracted to you’ or ‘They don’t love you’ as gospel. Though much of that is true for most personality types, it’s more complex for those with attachment disorders.
My own advice to you is stay in No Contact. I think they will reach out once anger subsides. Be mature, sensible and give, as much as you can do without being literal, a strong sense that you are ‘there.’ Not that you are waiting for them, but that you are reliable, not vindictive, not deserting.
Don’t ignore them when they message – wait a few hours instead before replying.
Don’t rise to their challenges (mine has made small accusations) – instead, calmly show you are in control, a grown man, and can diffuse anger.
Good luck.
Hi James:
Thank you for your valuable input and advice. It has been a difficult experience for me. I hope I can get over it in time, and get to the point where I am no longer emotionally attached to her. Looking back at how things were, things started out fine. Then gradually difficulties arose. Me being the kind and understanding person, I tried to understand and work with whatever she wanted. The trouble was she wanted more and more, and her selfishness became more and more apparent. Then she started distancing herself, avoiding emotional questions. The more I pushed for emotional connection, the more she backed off. I noticed her anger too. She only seemed to communicate with anger. There were no warm and emotional statements from her. She will never listen to my wants or needs. Finally I started becoming less patient and more angry at her. I had a few harsh words with her, then she called it quits, saying she was becoming afraid of me. This was why I posed the question in my original post as to why would someone who is avoidant come back to an ex if they probably made the decision to end things consciously. Let alone the fact that they are avoidant. I am pretty sure we were in the avoidant/anxious trap because we had small bouts of not speaking to each other but made up quickly. So it was toxic on both sides probably. However I have never had this experience in other relationships. They always ended amicably or with some degree of hurt. It makes me wonder now, if an avoidant can make a ‘normal’ person turn into an anxious one. Thanks for listening.
my ex said she gave me enough time to change and enough chances. Up to this day I could recall getting no chances or time as I didnt know what was going on. It was like you said all in her mind wow. Its been 2 months now and she never contacted me at first. I ALWAYS did and only once she called me back like after 5 mins and talk silently. When i called she was very harsh. Everything was ok and mhmm. lol. I TOLD HER I STILL LOVE HER AND SHE SAID SHE KNOW. after she said to me why i couldn’t of just listen to her. I admit she did tell me the games were going to break us up but thats what i love to do. She didnt had to leave for that silly thing. Shes 21 and am 27. So i guess she’s inexperienced in realizing the kind of people it have out here. But she was way mature for her age than me lol. I MISS HER LOTS and i hope one day she’ll reach out.
My ex and I were in a long distance relationship for 3 years. He broke up with me me 9 months ago. Before the breakup we talked about a future together. He said he wanted to move closer to me and he said he appreciated me and how I have always been so supportive of him. We dated after his divorce. He reached out to me on social media. He was also my ex from 15 years ago so we have a long history together. Anyways I blame myself for the breakup because I did took him for granted and didn’t make the effort as much as he like to spend more time with him. I think I got comfortable and thought we would be together forever. He started seeing someone else after he ended things with me. I believe it’s a rebound. It’s been 6 months of No contact and he finally reached out to me first over Christmas. It was so out of the blue. He just wanted to know how I was doing and said it’s been so long since we talked. I am so confused. Is he wanting to reconcile and is he still with his rebound? I have several short texts from him since then. He’s not really opening up to me so I am very confused. I did asked him why he thought about me and reach out to me on Christmas day. He didn’t answer my question. I am so confused. I still love him . He’s my soulmate.
Hey, Kelly. I know your pain.
He reached you out because of guilt.
He blames himself for dumping you and tried to attenuate the weight on his shoulders by checking up on you.
He may also still like you or became nostalgic, but if he is with another person, it’s either a rebound or he monkeybranched emotionally prior to the breakup, which means he cheated on you.
I know you may believe he’s the love of your life. If he is, he will come back to you. Meanwhile, go date someone else and stay tuned in Magnet of Success.
Abraço
Hey Augusto, Thanks for the response and the advice. You mentioned that you know my pain. Have you’ve been through something similar? I started indefinite NC to move on and also thought it was my only chance with letting him miss me and realized that he made a mistake when he let me go. You’re probably right about him reaching out to me out of guilt. But why did he waited six months and on Christmas to reach out to me. That’s a long time. I came across this blog few days ago and it had helped me a lot. You gave the advice for me to date someone else. I am now dating another ex but I feel that he’s my rebound . Anyways, do you think that I still have a chance that my ex will want to reconcile? He’s not really opening up to me in his texts. Should I ask him what his intentions were for reaching out to me after all this time?
Kelly
He didn’t wait no 6 months. This is just the time it took for him to miss or feel guilty for what he’s done.
If he is not being clear, he is monkeybranching you again. Search the site for this kind of practice.
And yes, you should just text him, when unexpected, what you have mentioned. “Dude, just text me if you want to reconcile”.
That’s what I would do. This reduces your pain and anxiety of his monkeybranching and shows him your are not opened for him to do whatever he wants to.
About the rebound: if you aren’t feeling okay with your ex, just leave him. Explain you are still hurt because of your last relationship and jump off. That will hurt him less than if your ex reach you out of the blue trying to reconcile and you leave him while your rebound had big expectations on you. That would be cruel to him.
Remember: do not make things easy for your ex. He is not worth of it.
Stay strong.
Hey Zan! Thank you so much for writing these articles, they really helped to understand my pain and the person who I was hurt by. It feels liberating to be able to express how I am feeling and thank you for giving me the outlet to do so. He was my best from for 2.5 years. We started of as seeying each other for a month but in my heart I Saw to many red flags and didn’t feel that way towards gonna so I told him How I felt and we agree to just stay friends. Through it all for 2.5 years it was literally like we were in a relationship. We would give in to our temptations and have fun here and there. Over the years I developed a really strong attachment to him and ended up depending on him for my happiness 😞 I had never felt so myself around someone and he made me feel at home. I loved him but I just didn’t admit it because I was afraid to ruin what we had. During this time he was sleeping with other girls and it didn’t affect me much. But the last time he started seeying someone it broke and hurt my heart. I told him how I felt, but he didn’t give me the time of day and told me someone else needs him more then I do, and didn’t even listen to me. I saw a side to him I never saw, careless. He completely ignored my messages, and hung up on me when I called. My heart broke to pieces that day. I experienced my first heart break and still healing. We were so close, and he just cut me out of his life .i know I told him this new relationship hurt me but he just cut me out, I thought I meant more to him then that. I was getting better we didn’t talk for 2 months since he didn’t make contact wit me, and then on New Years he called me @ 4 am 3 times, I didn’t pick up but my friend did, and it took me right to square one. I never contacted him since then, because if he wanted to talk to me he would phone me at a normal time not when drunk. I miss him so much, he was the best thing that ever happened to me, and It’s 3rd month now and I cry nearly every day, not one day has gone by that I haven’t been thinking of him, he was a big part of my life and he is now gone. What do I do? I’m filled with anxiety, and everyone I feel a bit happy I want to break down and cry because he’s not there. I want to see other guys just as friends but I’m scared, I feel like I lost my self confidence and I’m scared the same thing will happen again. Any advise?
it’s been over 3 months after being dumped, ghosted and my ex monkey branched,leave me with bank debts,automatically cancel all weading plans and “break” everything we build together in 7 years.
But things are going better and better every day for me and worst every day for her. KARMA !!!
I got a promotion at work, i go to psychologist that helped me a lot to get over my suicide intentions,drinking problems i got after breakup, also my very good friends were really close to me and took care of me and they still take care of me.
I still have feeling for her but I forgave her and i am not mad at her anymore.
Instead she is angry, she trash talk about me, she denigrates me in every way she can.
But still, she didn’t contacted me yet and i kinda hope she won’t contact me in the nearest future.
Because i know that call can hurt me a lot and it can be like a setback and a big step back.
The best thing it’s to focus on me, focus on my needs,wantings,hobbies or everything that can make me happy. I wish I had seen these things earlier.
In my case, i think my ex is expecting me to contact her so, in the end, to be flawless and spotless and come with her own terms and conditions if she want to get back to me.
Maybe this is a reason why she trash talk about me and she denigrates me.
Maybe she is mad because her new relationship dont work as expected.
Maybe she is mad because her life is not so great so far (actually it’s worst than she expected to be). I am just guessing this because we haven’t talk since she left. But this is a obvious reason why she is mad.
In any case, every day it’s (still) a torture for me. Asking WHY she didn’t call so far, asking WHEN she will call, IF she will call.
I am confident that time will heal me and i will stop asking these questions if she wont call at all.
I am confident that she will get back to me when i won’t want her again in my life.
Anyway, another great article from Zan !
Reading all articles, helped me heal faster. Helped me answer myself to some questions.
I’m not 100% healed but now i am wondering if it’s good for me to have a discussion with her.
Best Regards,
Mihail
Well Zan, I actually disagree to a certain extent. I love your blogs and you have immense wisdom…but I have to admit, often times, they actually do come back. It was the case in my failed marriage, she came back after 2 years! We are now very good friends even though I decided not to take her back. You are totally right however when you say most of the time, they contact the dumpee due to life giving them lemons. What the dumpee decides is relative to what the relationship looked like. Thanks for your wisdom and keep up the great blogs! God bless you.
Hi Marc,
It is encouraging to hear that ex wifes can come back after some time !
Were you in indefinite no contact before she contacted you to reconcile ?
My ex wife broke up with me after 8 years of marriage. I have never initiated contact since we broke up about a year ago. She contacts me occasionally for random reasons, although she has not expressed the will to get back together. Our relationship was not that bad but I think her love just faded away.
Thanks
Hey Rick.
Yes, I was in indefinite no contact. I’m sorry about your situation. I think it depends on what kind of life our exes are living after they leave. Most of the time, when a woman is disappointed with her “ plans”, she will usually check up on us just to see what’s going on in our lives. Trust God to give you insight and wisdom. Take care dude!
I don’t think I will ever laugh about it. At all.
I’m in my mid thirties and was dumped over 4 months ago. I had planned to marry her and she just disappeared. Told me to focus my energy elsewhere. She avoided me for weeks and after a month and a half of no contact at all, I asked to see her as I had things to say, and she said she wasn’t ready to see me. Everything was on her terms, all about her, all about how she felt – and she was the dumper.
I never bothered her again after that. She contacted me to say she had seen me in the street and I had walked straight past her. Thereby followed a pointless breadcrumb conversation, followed by her sending a Christmas card wishing me a happy Christmas and New Year – and that she was pleased my business was taking off.
She has absolutely wrecked my opinion of women and relationships. I never saw this as remotely possible with her because she was so incredibly considerate and careful as a person. I’ve been with some selfish people before, and she felt genuinely different.
I was a complete fool.
This whole experience has made me look at women, I’m really sad to say, as not worth the effort. I’m nowhere near laughing. I’m utterly dejected, depressed and verging on misanthropic.
So laughter? Maybe for some, but I don’t see anything positive on the horizon at all.
Hi James, I was in a very similar situation last year. I dated a lady for over 6 years, and we had planned to marry. Our relationship was terrific; she was kind, caring and considerate most of the time. Then early last year, she got an opportunity to move to a different city and start a new life. I was going to look for a job there and move in with her as soon as possible. But a few months after her relocation, our relationship started to change. She became more distant, non communicative, etc., Turns out that she had started seeing someone (behind my back, of course). In a short amount of time, she became a totally different person that I’d never seen (selfish, self serving, negative, dishonest, etc.). In the end, last summer, she blew me off without even bothering to tell me – she got one of her relatives do it by text. I was really devastated by the whole thing and felt exactly the way you do now (angry, depressed and resentful, with a poor opinion of women in general). But then the most amazing thing happened: a couple of months later, I met another lady, took a chance and started going out with her, and I’m now in an infinitely better place than I was. My ex, who had been the center of my life for years, has become nothing but an afterthought. I never heard anything from her after she blew up our relationship, and am very, very glad for it. All I can say is, hang in there because time is a great healer. It may seem unlikely now, but you won’t feel this way indefinitely. JP
Thanks JP, for your words of support.
The only thing I can’t relate to is meeting another woman a couple of months later, particularly if you had been in a long relationship (mine was three years).
I know people have different abilities and emotions when it comes to moving on, but I can’t even begin to think about going on dates with women, four months after being dumped.
A month ago, my mates (sick of me wasting away at home on my own) forced me to put a profile on Tinder, Hinge and Bumble – so I did. I got plenty of matches but I have absolutely no interest in dating any of them, so I deleted the apps.
I think my age – 36 – doesn’t really help. I’m weary of this dating nonsense now, and I have no interest in going through what I have been through in the last four months ever again. I don’t want to give my heart yet again, just for someone to decide she’s got something better going on three years down the line.
I’m really pleased you have found someone else so quickly.
I’m afraid I can’t join you.
James:
I totally understand your hesitancy to jump back into the dating world. I’m in my late 50’s, and I felt the same way. I couldn’t see myself getting on the merry-go-around again after what I’d been through. And, like you, I came out of my lousy situation with some strong trust issues. But, the lady I met was exactly the type of person I needed (patient and understanding) at exactly the right time. Had I let my resentment and fear of letdown carry the day, I would’ve missed out on what has turned out to be a wonderful relationship. You know, I hate to sound negative, but the other thing I decided was that my rotten ex sure as hell didn’t wait around, so why should I have put my life on hold for her? But, as you correctly pointed out, everyone has to follow their own feelings and emotions. JP
I admire your resolve and approach, JP. And your courage was justly rewarded.
The one thing I absolutely hate is the fact that I am beginning to resent her.
You called your ex ‘rotten’ and to me the most distasteful, disturbing and revolting part of the end of relationships is how we move from attitudes of respect, admiration and reverence, sacrifice, love and support to a position of contempt.
It seems such a waste of life to have been so deceived. It seems so miserable and dark when we use words like ‘toxic’ or ‘rotten’ to describe people who we saw as our lifelong counterpoint. It makes romance seem nothing but a fairytale, love nothing but an illusion. It makes cynics of us all.
I feel for you, James. Sounds like your heart took a big hit. I had a spouse who tore apart our family because he decided he didn’t want one… so he began abusing substances, using hookers, rotating through random girlfriends, and other things husbands should never do in his duplicitous life. I was near catatonic when I found out. I know what it’s like when someone you trust has betrayed you deeply and I never thought it could be something I laugh about. But there are parts of it I do laugh about now as the story is so incredibly ridiculous. It may have taken four years, but I stepped back into the dating game. I’ve since been faded-out and left by a boyfriend which hurt once again, but I find it very useful now to accept and acknowledge that people have every right to leave a relationship if they don’t want to stay, and this has helped immensely.
I know our situations are different but I sense that you may feel betrayed and resentful of her, especially her lack of compassion and empathy for your feelings and her disregard for your value. If you feel like you’re drowning at all (I did) maybe you’d like the book Living and Loving after Betrayal by Steven Stosny. It’s really great for healing after being so hurt and enables you to heal by doing things such as comparing your values and actions to those of your ex-partner and clearly seeing who YOU are which helps build value in yourself, for yourself.
By the way, you are not a fool. You had an open heart. I don’t call myself a fool, either. I also had an open heart. Unfortunately some people just don’t make the cut for us. You deserve better than that and she weeded herself out, and it’s time to start believing it. Hugs.
Thank you for your comment, Carly. I have just ordered that book by Steven Stosny, so thanks for the recommendation too.
I am very sorry to hear of your spouse. It’s one thing to have it happen before plans were put in place, but quite another to have it happen after you had a family, particularly in such a reckless fashion. I can’t imagine the hell you must have had to go through.
I’m also sorry that you were disappointed again after a four-year hiatus. I see your point about letting people leave, and I suppose it was hard for me to feel like that just after it ended, particularly when they were themselves talking about the relationship going to the next level, two months prior to it, and planning the future of being together just days before they left.
I just found it baffling at the time, and the more time passes, the more I think that relationships are almost always never balanced. They say that when two hearts break, they don’t break evenly, and this is reflective of that. There’s a period in the relationship (which can be weeks, months or years) where two are both at an equivalent level of love – for one it lasts, for the other it doesn’t last to the same degree.
And it’s almost that recognition of the other’s constancy that repels the person for whom it has faded. She must have seen my devotion to her as disgusting as her devotion towards me dwindled and died. Her parting words were blame for me, as soon as she saw I was upset, she walked out, unwilling to face it.
I suppose my question is this: what’s the point in it? People lose months, years of precious life getting over these failures. Sometimes they never get over them, and lose ambition of happiness. If no one is to blame – because everyone has a right to leave – then what’s the point in risking it at the start?
You are right that I went in with an open heart because that’s what people want from you, and what many women complain that men don’t have. But now, as a consequence, I won’t go in with an open heart, and so there’s little point in going in at all.
I’m a very romantic person, but the more I think about it the more I think love is a complete illusion.
James: Awesome, I hope you get a lot out of that book. It was one of a few helpful things to boost out of my extreme disappointment and sadness.
Thanks for your comments. You’re right, it was a type of personal hell. My dreams and love for him were shattered, as I’m sure yours were. Breakups suck in any form. What I gained from it was an opportunity to reinvent my dreams, and I think being married to someone like my ex made me into a strong person and someone I’m actually proud to be. It also strengthened my spiritual life as well.
It’s really shocking and hurtful when someone turns a seemingly 180 degrees within days. It’s incredible and only they really know what’s going on inside of them. Some people hold in secret reservations. Others are quite unstable and impulsive.
I think you may be right in that relationships aren’t usually balanced. Experts say that in mature and developed relationships, passion naturally goes down over time and commitment and intimacy rise as time goes on. Married people often have moments of seriously disliking their spouse. Before my marriage exploded, I remember one day waking up and realizing I lost loving feelings for my husband (and I found him to even be annoying) but decided to go on and did things for him/our relationship and chose to love him which brought it back to my heart as well. I think commitment is what makes love a choice, and many people don’t choose commitment.
I sometimes feel that way too.. is it an illusion? But I also view heartbreak as a mountain to conquer and not something I should choose to die on the side of. I am not of the thought that there’s no one to blame, even though I think everyone has a right to leave a relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that what they are doing or have done is fair. It’s usually unfair. Which makes me have to work my forgiveness muscles when I’m on the bad side of the deal. So I think the point in risking it is for the potential gain of loving: the children that may come, the memories, the adventures, the wisdom and experience gleaned from learning to heal major heart-shred wounds, the possibility of growing old and gray with another amazing soul.
When we’re struck down it’s near impossible to envision loving again. I know at times I’ve felt SO disillusioned I wanted to puke. I think it’s okay to have our moments of frustration and anger about it in the grief of it. I’m still wading through my own heartbreak from my last breakup and I find myself there sometimes.
I find that when there is confusion in the breakup (unclear or hidden reasons, actions not matching words) that it is much more difficult to process, personally.
“I find that when there is confusion in the breakup (unclear or hidden reasons, actions not matching words) that it is much more difficult to process, personally.”
This.
I couldn’t agree more. I’d rather it be clear as day that I had done a thousand things I shouldn’t have done, and live with the regret of that, than remain in this purgatory, not really understanding what just happened and the reasons for it.
It’s all too easy for others to say “Just get over it” but it’s a curious trait of human beings that we have to link truths. It’s like the authorities hiding information about the death of a loved one. There’s a sense of injustice.
Great website! It helped me (and still does) staying motivated and face my difficulties despite everything.
I couldn’t find an article about no-contact while living together (My ex left me for someone else and we still live together after almost 2 months and because of my particular situation I still can’t move out).
May I suggest writing one article for this scenario? I believe it would help many, as well as myself.
Thank you very much Zan, you’re great!
I went through that with my ex. Took three months for her to get out. It’s more common now with skyrocketing rent in many cities She says she wasn’t seeing anyone but she was very private with her phone and, was going out a lot. I feel for you It really skyrocketed my anxiety.
Hi S.D.
Thank you for the suggestion.
I’ll write about it soon!
Best regards,
Zan
Thank you very much!
It might shed light on my situation, I’ll wait for this new article!
Best regards,
S.D.
You will move on once you stop counting down the days. Dumpers never come back because they love you or miss you, they come back when life gives them lemons or Karma hits them harder. Usually dumpers breaking up with you or their behavior after the break up has nothing to do with you but only themselves.
You’re spot-on, Ryan.
Thank you for the comment!
Best,
Zan
For me it was when she got fired. Can pretty much pinpoint the death of the relationship to that point.
Ryan is correct. Some breakups can be due to the dumper being a manipulative and toxic type, possibly a narcissist. They crave your attention and when attention drops or they receive a narcissist injury, they push you away, want space, go silent, whatever. It is a game in which they want YOU to come back to them and fight for them. Do not fall for this manipulation. You do that and they know they have you locked into a very toxic relationship. If they want space, give them the galaxy. They must come back to you and win you back. After all, their insecurities and emotional instability and immaturity is what brought this hell on top of you. Good luck.
My issue is I left him but never really wanted to I look back now and think he pushed me to do it to feel less guilty as within a month he had moved on. We were together 13 yrs and just like that it was gone!
We talk but we have to as have children together but I personally don’t think he is happy in his new relationship he just isn’t the type to do anything about it so I guess my chances of reconciliation are gone. End of Jan will be 6 months since we split and I pray one day he’ll come back!
Stay strong, Squid.
Focus on yourself and the things that make you happy.
Kind regards,
Zan
OMG! Wow this is a sobering article! Like cold water splashed on your face. Tough to read, but sadly the wakeup call I needed right now!! Holding onto hope that he will genuinely have a change of heart after a period NC by giving him the ‘time and space’ he needs to realize & regret what he lost is such a waste of time and energy. He is cold and distant for a reason(s) none of them in my best interest. I have been counting the NC days on the calendar… like a complete moron. Holding onto a fantasy that he will miss me and come back. So many misleading coaches and advice out there that give dumpees a false hope and keep us imprisoned in delusion. We are barely holding on by a thread. So cruel. Thank you for this Zan!! The voice of reason!
Hi Cindy.
I know this article was hard to read, but sometimes dumpees need a harsh reminder that NC is for them, not their ex.
They need to be reminded that their health always comes first.
Thank you for reading!
Zan
Cindy, the more cruel, the more the odd timing, coming out of right field… more likely that you are dealing with a narcissist. Can be the overt (obvious) type or a covert (less detectable and more insidious). Good luck. We are champs and they are losers. Sadly, it never gets better getting back together with a narc. They cannot change.
Thank God your website exists. It makes me calm and it’s like reading my breakup. I wish I could see the break up coming and new your website earlier Zan xx
Hi Linda.
Breakups usually can’t be foreseen.
They occur out of nowhere and devastate dumpees for months — sometimes even years.
Hang in there!
Zan
I’m at about five months and trust me when I say you’ll get to the point where you barely even care and you’ll see things clearly and feel a lot of anger towards the dumper for their lack of respect. People who walk out on you don’t deserve the mental real estate.
Hi Trevor.
You’re right.
If you work on forgiving your ex, you’ll eventually stop feeling angry.
You’ll develop yourself into a forgiving person and won’t care about your ex’s unfair treatment.
You might even laugh about it.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thanks Zan. I know it wouldn’t be healthy to stay angry for long and I recognize it as one of the stages of being dumped. I only feel angry at her sometimes. I’m trying to be compassionate and tell myself she was only doing what she felt was right, even if she made a mistake.