Why Did He Break Up With Me If He Still Loves Me?

Updated on July 25, 2021

When a guy breaks up with you and says he still loves you, he does that not because he loves you and regrets breaking up with you but because he hates hurting you. He knows that his decision breaks your heart and gives you unimaginable pain, so he does the only thing he can do.

He says he still loves you, that it’s not your fault, and that he’ll probably regret his decision months down the lline.

Why go through all that trouble? Why not just be honest and tell you how he truly feels, you ask?

It’s because your pain causes him pain. The more he sees you suffer, the guiltier he feels and the more he suffers as a result.

This doesn’t mean that he loves you though. All guilt and sympathy mean is that he cares about you as a person (and his own actions) and that seeing you suffer is difficult for his conscience. Your ex doesn’t want to see you suffer. He just wants you to be healthy and emotionally well.

That’s why lots of guys cry during the breakup. They can’t stand seeing their ex-girlfriend suffer, so they hug her, kiss her, and oftentimes even say things like:

• I’ll always love you
• you’re the only person I ever loved
• I wish I could give you what you want
• you deserve someone better than me
• if we met under different circumstances, things would be different
• we might get together in the future

If your ex-boyfriend said he still loves you, you shouldn’t get your hopes up too much. You should know that he has a hidden motive, one that he may not even be aware of.

What do I mean by that?

I mean that your ex may actually be convinced that he loves you. But he thinks that way only because he feels guilty for discarding the relationship. If you ask me, that isn’t love. It’s called being empathetic and having sympathy for another person. It’s a quality every person should have.

So don’t take your ex’s love words in a literal manner.

As a dumpee, you must look past the promises your ex had made and all the I love yous he’d given you during or after the breakup. You must look for the deeper meaning behind your ex’s words by asking yourself, “What does my ex get by confessing his feelings? Why does he need me?” If you ponder about this for a bit, you’ll realize that he wants something only you can give.

That something is peace of mind. He wants to make you feel better so that he himself can also feel better. He wants to know that you can handle the breakup and that you aren’t blaming him for his actions.

Many people find love very complicated, but for couples who are ready to be with each other, love is actually very simple. This is because love is either there or it isn’t. It’s there when couples are willing to work on the relationship and not there when they’ve given up. It’s that straightforward because actions speak for themselves.

They tell you what your ex feels about you and to what extent he wants you in his life.

So if your ex says he loves you and wants to be friends, bear in mind that he chose his words very poorly. He should have said that he’s used to having you around (attached to you) and that he’s afraid of the path that lies ahead.

In this post, we’ll talk about why he broke up with you if he still loves you.

Why did he break up with me if he still loves me?

Now that you know the difference between love and attachment, let’s talk about something very important. I want you to think about a time when you were in a relationship with someone and had a really bad day because of something that happened to you (something outside of the relationship). It can be any day and anything that hurt you and made you feel like the world was ending.

On that day, what was your coping mechanism telling you to do? Who did you turn to for help or rather, how did you approach that person?

Whether you’re a guy or a girl, you probably talked to your partner who was the closest to you and told him how much you loved him. You expressed yourself very openly and showed him he’s important to you. The point is that you didn’t do this out of selflessness but rather because you felt an overwhelming need to receive love from your partner. You wanted him to empower you and make it easier for you to deal with anxiety.

This is a very common “technique” people use when they’re hurt. They tell their partner they love him and need him without realizing that they’re saying those words to gain sympathy and understanding.

I remember I subconsciously used this technique on my girlfriend as well. I can’t remember what exactly I was worried about (it may have been work), but I approached her by saying, “I love you so much. You know that right? Thanks for being here for me” I was stressed, so I said that because I wanted to receive her love and ease my pain.

If I told her, “I’m having a difficult time coping with stress and/or loving myself today” I would have been honest with her. But because I was afraid of telling her I was struggling to cope with anxiety, I told her I loved her and expected love in return.

Fortunately, I soon realized that I was confessing my feelings for the wrong reasons, so I stopped and haven’t said “I love you” under those circumstances since.

I’m not saying that a person is being deceptive if he or she says I love you because of stress or anxiety. All I’m saying is that there’s a better way to express emotions when you’re having a difficult time. And that is by being honest about the way you feel.

Now, how does this relate to your ex?

Your ex also said he loved you without understanding how he felt. He knew he felt something overwhelming, something painful, so like me, he instinctually did what made you and him feel better.

He didn’t know that giving you love and attention makes you hopeful for reconciliation, so he did what his gut feeling told him to do. He expressed his love and gained your approval.

If you’re still having a difficult time figuring out why your ex told you he loves you after the breakup, here are 5 reasons that could help you.

Is there a chance he still loves you?

Every now and then, dumpers stop by this blog and tell me, “You’re wrong. I left my ex but I still love my ex. I’m hurting and I cry because he’s gone. I know leaving my ex was for the best but I still love him.” Such dumpers may not be the most relieved and impulsive dumpers on the planet, but this doesn’t mean that they still love their ex.

As I mentioned earlier, they’re attached to their ex and have a hard time accepting their actions because their actions are reinforced with nostalgia, guilt, fears, worry, and occasional doubts. They worry that they’re abandoning a person who is loyal and kind to them and that they must love him.

Such dumpers have a tendency to message their ex a lot (send him breadcrumbs) and express the wish to stay friends. They don’t know that staying in touch with their ex hurts their ex more than if they were to let their ex go cold turkey.

I know why some dumpers feel that they still love their ex. I was a dumper before too. And I can tell you that I felt bad when I broke up with my ex. I felt a mixture of emotions. On one hand, I felt smothered and needed space from my ex, but on the other, I wanted to make sure my ex was okay because I knew she loved me and wanted a future with me.

Does that mean I loved my ex? I strongly doubt that.

I felt awful for being the person who quit first, but unfortunately, love and awfulness don’t go hand in hand. They’re emotions that seldom impress an ex, let alone bring him back.

And yes, it’s true that dumpers often come back when they get hurt a lot. But this is only true when something or someone other than their ex hurts them. When they feel bad for their ex, on the other hand, they aren’t missing their ex and craving his intimacy.

If anything, they pity their ex for the pain he’s going through.

So let me ask you this, would you be with someone you pity? Probably not, right? My guess is that you’d give your ex a pat on the shoulder and sympathize with him and not ask him to give you another chance.

I want you to be aware of this so that you don’t think a guy who tells you he loves you wants you back. He just wants you to be happy so that he can make the breakup easier for you, alleviate his conscience, and be happy knowing he can start with a clear conscience.

This may not be the information you were hoping to stumble across, but it’s true. Guys with conscience hate seeing their ex suffer because it makes them think that they’re unfair, mean, or inconsiderate.

So if you’re hoping that your ex still loves you, know that it’s unlikely your ex meant what he said. It’s much more probable that he felt bad for hurting you and wanted to make you feel better.

How can I know if he loves me then?

You should take your ex-boyfriend’s confession seriously only if he says he regrets breaking up with you and wants you back. When that happens, you actually have something to work with. You know that his words match his actions and that he’s not just saying things to make you feel better.

Sincerity is the first trait you should look for in your ex.

Another sign your ex loves you is when he’s excited or desperate to be with you – when he shows that he’s willing to put in the effort to repair what he broke and win your trust back. His commitment is something you need to look out for because it proves that his heart is in the right place.

So don’t analyze a guy’s words. Always look at his actions. Actions will tell you not just how he feels but also what he’s willing to do to make sure he doesn’t make the same mistakes in the future.

As a dumper, he should do a lot to impress you. In terms of investment, he should do 80% of all the work for a few weeks while you keep him under close surveillance and figure out if he’s taking reconciliation seriously.

Memorize what I’m about to say. Dumpees who accept their ex back right away oftentimes get broken up again. This is because they make it extremely easy for their ex to return. They just open the doors back to their hearts and say, “Come back, it was my fault you left,” and by doing so, stop their ex from making any necessary improvements.

I’ve seen this happen many, many times.

This particular dumpee I worked with got overzealous about reconciliation and accepted the dumper back on the spot. She was desperate for her ex’s attention, so she unintentionally signaled to him that she loves him more than herself and that she’d been hoping he would come back to her.

When she showed him how she felt, you can probably imagine what happened next.

Things were fine for a few days, but when the guy saw that she hasn’t changed and/or taken her power back, he started to feel overvalued by her, detached from her, and left her again. He couldn’t stay with her because he didn’t find her worthy.

Let this particular case serve as a warning not to accept your ex back on a whim. Don’t tell him you love him the second he tells you how he feels about you either. You may be in immense pain because of separation anxiety but you mustn’t throw your pride away and say you love him more than anything.

If he’s not with you, he doesn’t deserve your love. And if he just came back, he needs to earn it first. I can’t stress how important this is. Your ex must first redevelop love and respect for you in order to feel the emotional incentive to stay with you. So make sure you don’t give your ex any I love yous before he’s made it obvious he wants you back for the right reasons.

It doesn’t matter if you were more at fault than him and if you somehow caused the breakup. You must regain your self-worth before you can have a successful relationship with your ex.

Are you still wondering, “Why did he break up with me if he still loves me?” Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below.

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Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.