Most dumpees want to know how long it takes for an ex to start to miss you. They want to know whether their ex misses them already and if they need to do something to make their ex want to be with them.
If you’re one of those dumpees, you need to understand that an ex starts to miss you when he or she has a reason to miss you. The dumper needs to have some kind of epiphany that causes the dumper to believe that the path he or she chose isn’t very good for his/her well-being and that you used to provide better support, more love, and a stronger desire for connection and mutual growth.
That’s when your ex can become nostalgic and start to miss you and everything you brought to the table.
If you expect your ex to miss you for no reason just because it would be convenient for you, you’re setting yourself up for failure because your ex won’t do that. Something painful and self-reflection-worthy must first happen to your ex for your ex to have an aha moment and think and feel positively about you.
Sure, your ex could have occasional moments of doubt (most likely in the first month of the breakup), but you don’t want your ex to message you to tell you that he or she misses you because of that. If your ex does reach out because of doubt or some other insignificant reason, your ex will talk to you to entertain nostalgia and then stop talking to you once he or she no longer feels a desire to reminisce.
So before you start hoping to hear from your ex that he or she misses you, bear in mind that there are two kinds of missing. There’s missing a person and missing a romantic partner.
- The first kind is the most common one. It happens when the dumper feels guilty or doubtful or still feels a bit attached to the dumpee. A good example of this would be the dumper reaching out to say he misses his ex without actually wanting to get back together. The dumper could say things like, “I miss you a lot. I just wanted to let you know that, and I hope you have a great day!”
- The second kind of missing, however, is much less common. It’d be fair and probably a bit too hope-murdering to say it’s quite rare. A dumper who misses you romantically doesn’t just miss your absence, but also the value you add to the relationship. This means that he or she doesn’t miss you as a person – because you’re gone, but also because he or she wants you to invest in him or her emotionally and in every possible way.
The first kind of missing has no expectations whereas the second one has many. It’s usually difficult to tell them apart due to hope and anxiety, but if you observe your ex and see what he or she is trying to obtain from interactions with you, you can figure your ex out and decide whether to talk to your ex or end the conversation there and then.
Now that you know that not every “I miss you” from the dumper means your ex misses you romantically, you have a very important decision to make. You have to discern whether your ex has romantic feelings for you or some other reason for telling you that he or she misses you.
Today, we’ll answer the question, “When does an ex start to miss you?” We’ll also give you some tips on what to do when your ex doesn’t miss you romantically.
When does an ex start to miss you?
It’s unlikely that your ex will start to miss you right after the breakup. Your ex will probably feel relieved and happy at first as most dumpers do. Most dumpers feel emotionally exhausted and think that they don’t have a choice but to distance themselves from their ex and enjoy their life in ways that they’d been wanting to.
Seldom do dumpers not feel relieved. When that happens, they’re normally depressed or have some other problem to address.
But exes normally start to miss you when you stop missing them and showing you need them. That’s when dumpers have enough space to start wondering about you and wanting what they can’t have and used to have in the past.
Mind you that your ex won’t miss you just because you gave your ex space. If your ex is resentful and immature, your ex will likely stay bitter for quite some time because your ex will focus on the bad aspects of the relationship.
But if your ex respects you and encounters some kind of problems (let’s say he or she gets dumped), then your ex could miss the way he or she felt when you were together and doing well as a couple.
This, of course, depends on the kind of problems your ex encounters and how your ex deals with those problems.
Some of the typical problems that could make an ex miss you are:
- relationship problems
- breakups
- (mental) health issues
- financial problems
- a lack of emotional support
- and anything that makes your ex reflect
The worse your ex’s life is, the bigger the chance that you’ll cross your ex’s mind and trigger his or her cravings for comfort and safety (aka a better life). That’s why you need to give your ex enough space and time to enjoy life (and experience issues) and allow your ex to think about you.
Your ex could also start to miss you when your ex sees you with someone else. Seeing that you’re in love and moving on could make your ex compare himself or herself to your new partner and become jealous. But for that to happen, your ex would need to have a lot of respect for you, have low self-esteem, or be very competitive.
Not a lot of dumpees get jealous, though because they lack romantic expectations of their ex.
Exes usually miss their dumpees when their plan doesn’t go according to plan. In other words, they become nostalgic when they think they’ll be happier without their ex and are proven otherwise. That’s when they’re forced to accept reality and face the consequences of their actions.
With that said, here’s when an ex starts to miss you.
Can an ex miss you without getting hurt?
An ex can miss you without getting hurt, but your ex would have to reflect willingly. And let’s be honest, most people don’t reflect willingly. They start thinking and improving themselves only when they have a strong incentive for doing that.
A strong incentive is anything that affects their self-esteem and makes them afraid for their safety, health, and happiness.
So if you’re hoping that your ex will reflect voluntarily, know that your ex has to be extremely mature, self-aware, and understanding of his or her post-breakup emotions. Your ex has to want to reflect, unlike most dumpers who are forced to reflect.
Personally, I haven’t seen many dumpers reflect of their own accord. Most of them had no choice but to reflect because some painful or inconvenient situation forced to them reflect. They knew that if they didn’t make some big internal changes that they would suffer and/or continue to suffer.
That’s why I strongly encourage you not to pin your hopes on miracles (situations that have small chances of success). It’s much more likely that your ex will have to discover your worth and miss you the way you want him or her to miss you (romantically) the hard way – by failing in some important way and maturing.
You don’t know if your ex will ever grow, but you have to give your ex a chance to explore the world anyway. You have to do it no matter how badly you want your ex to miss you and want to be with you.
If you don’t give your ex space, you’ll make your ex miss you even less. That’s because you’ll display some very unattractive traits and guilt-trip and suffocate your ex.
What to say when an ex misses you?
When an ex says that he or she misses you, whatever you do, don’t lose your self-control and profess your undying love to your ex. Your ex may miss you, but as we’ve discussed, your ex may miss you in ways that mean nothing to you.
If you immediately say “I miss you too,” your ex will receive your validation right away and might not need to talk to you anymore. That will leave you feeling used and confused and hurt you unnecessarily.
So before you tell your ex that you miss him/her too, figure out what made your ex say that to you. Getting to the bottom of your ex’s sentimentality will help you keep your hopes low and allow you to handle your ex’s words adequately.
Handling them adequately means that you either stop your ex from breadcrumbing you or let your ex get back with you.
If you need help with what to say to an ex who says “I miss you,” you can just say something like, “What made you say that? How come you miss me?”
Your ex’s response will then tell you everything you need to know, including whether to keep talking to your ex or shut your ex out of your life.
If you learn that your ex doesn’t care about you romantically, you can say you appreciate him/her telling you that but that you need space and don’t want to communicate anymore.
But if you learn that your ex is regretful and loves you, then you can wait for your ex to suggest meeting up and after that, discuss the things you need from your ex to trust him or her. If you don’t make your ex earn your trust back, your ex could leave again and make you feel foolish for taking him or her back.
It might be a good idea to be careful about an ex who says the things you want to hear as not all exes mean the things they say. Many of them don’t even understand that they’re giving you false hope and hindering your detachment process.
That’s why you have to take charge of your post-breakup life and shoo them away when they say things romantic partners (not exes) should say.
Can my ex’s missing turn into something more?
Your ex can go from missing you to loving you. It has happened to some of my clients before. But I’d like to warn you that you needn’t stay in touch with your ex for that to happen. You don’t need to communicate with your ex for your ex to realize your worth.
In fact, communication usually kills attraction because the dumper can alleviate guilt and take his or her sweet time exploring other options. It goes without saying that dumpers find their ex more appealing when their ex depicts confidence and self-esteem.
These traits leave the best impression on dumpers because they make dumpers see that their ex doesn’t need them to move on and live a fulfilling life. All their ex needs are supporting friends and family members.
So if you’re thinking of staying in touch with your ex after your ex has said that he or she misses you and/or loves you, I strongly urge you not to. Settling for friendship will put you in the friend zone with your ex and make your life much more difficult than it is right now.
The best way to handle any kind of breadcrumb from your ex is to take your ex’s ability to breadcrumb you away the moment your ex reaches out. Instead of entertaining your ex and letting your ex confuse you, you must let your ex know that you’re not ready to be friends and that you’ll let him or her know when or if you are.
That will let your ex know you’re not going to fall for hope-giving sweet talk and that you respect yourself too much to tolerate it.
Don’t be afraid to take back control and stand up for yourself. Your ex may not like it, but he or she will respect you much more if you put your foot down and show (not say) you’re an all-or-nothing kind of person.
Did you enjoy reading this article? Did we leave anything out? Let us know what you think about exes who tell you they miss you or love you. We’ll get back to you soon!
And also, if you’re looking for 1-on-1 breakup coaching and want our help analyzing your breakup and guiding you, visit our coaching page to check out our services.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hello Zan, Is it possible for me to persuade you to write an article/blog on what clarifys toxic relationships and ghosting?
Hi Will.
MOS already had articles on toxic relationships. I believe I wrote about toxic relationships less than a month ago. Click on the “relationships” category. As for ghosting, we have that too. Search for it in the search box.
Kind regards,
Zan
My ex and I broke up 8 months ago I did make a few errors by begging and pleading after the break up then she blocked me in march on her phone and instagram. Then she reached out 8n late may and we started sleeping together again for about 6 weeks then she went cold again for about 5 weeks then we slept together another couple of times and after this I put myself back out there and met someone else she found out and lost her shit and it’s now that I’m doing no contact i love this girl but I actually do not no what to do anymore
Sorry stuffed that broke up 8 months ago then she blocked me in march then reached out in late may then we started sleeping together for 6 weeks then she went cold for 5 weeks until early august which then we slept together over another 2 weeks and now I’m doing no contact since I’ve met someone else but nothing is the same as being with her
Hi Bill.
Your ex sometimes wants to be with you only because she doesn’t want you to be with anyone else. She’s jealous and doesn’t want you to be happy. Not unless she is. So stay in strict no contact and you’ll both get enough distance to move on from each other.
Kind regards,
Zan
Your articles have really been helping me during no contact when I cannot sleep at night. My ex and I ended on bad terms about 8 weeks ago. I haven’t seen him, or talked with him, for 7 weeks. On Friday I purchased a fridge, and I said to myself that that was my sign I was ready to care for me and my well-being and I let go of all hope of reconciliation. Not buying the fridge was my way of thinking we’d get back together so why waste the money on a new one lol. Funny, because then yesterday afternoon (Saturday) he “bum” dialed my number. I answered but he couldn’t hear me. I sat listening to him talking with a woman in the background for about a minute and a half. I’m not working on my anxiety which flared up because of this, but have better tools to care for myself because of your awesome articles. Thank you
I’m now* working on my anxiety
Hi Michelle.
I’m happy to hear that the blog has been helping you.
If you have trouble sleeping, I suggest exercising a little bit a few hours before sleep. Physically exhausting yourself could make you sleepy and contribute to a good night’s sleep. It works for some people, but not for all. Give it a try.
As for your ex, try not to analyze the conversation you overheard. He’s probably going to talk to some women because that’s what people do. They try to fix their problems by getting involved with someone new.
Best regards,
Zan
So correct me if I’m wrong, now that my gf of almost 3 years dumped me…. regardless of what I do at this point forward, she will only miss portions of me, she will never fully want to be back with me even if I changed a complete 180. My only option is to completely shut her out and move on? To never hold onto that dreaded hope we will have a future together again?
I appreciate the blunt and cold hard truth…. and maybe I’m misinterpreting this entire article, but it kinda just leaves me going. After every relationship, just give up and move on unless you fall within the smallest of margins.
Ryan,
You’re pretty much correct. Don’t hold on to any hope. Why? Because it will slow your progress. Remember that you are the most important person in the scenario. If you did a 180 and truly find the importance of making yourself the priority, then you are making the best of the breakup.
Don’t block your ex, but don’t follow her on social media. That’s just going to set you back.
If she reaches out, she will because she’s missing you or is curious about you. If she doesn’t reach out, let her go.
Continue working on yourself. Because you are the one person who needs you the most everyday
Dr. JR
Thanks for the response and some clarity. She tried to string me a long about articles she read where people do get back together and they ended up stronger from the break up…. but her actions are speaking louder than her “make me feel better” words are saying.
I’m on week 4 separated and slowly moving away from the intensity of it all and now accepting it that we won’t get back together. Still have my moments during the day where I still want to curl up in a ball or just drive going no where. Man, humans are odd creatures, this really sucks because she had so much love and commitment for us and now I have to just accept it’s over and I’ll never see her again in a relationship. That’s heavy!
Heavy? There’s that word again. Is there something with the gravitational pull in the future? ( Wanted to see if I could get you to laugh as I quoted Dr. Brown from Back to the Future).
Stay in no contact. This doesn’t mean you can’t respond to her if she reaches out to you. It just means move forward. Keep focusing on yourself. Don’t look at her social media, even while curled into a ball which is okay to curl.
If you are intended to get back together, as these articles said which she shared, it will happen. However, the relationship is over. If you get back together you’d need to form a new relationship. Why do this when you might find someone who isn’t a dumper.
Feel free to send a message. I realize Zan is busy. I’m a Professor in Communications and I swear I’m an expert in getting dumped.
Hey, I just want to say, My ex fiancée broke up our 5 year relationship in February this year, completely out of the blue to me. She wouldn’t talk to me about it either. I was absolutely devastated, as in, I couldn’t eat, sleep or do anything. I was like this for at least 5 months.
When it became apparent that she was not going to come back into my life, I decided to pick myself up & kick on with my life. I meet someone new & have had a really good time with her.
Then, just 3 days ago, I was with my new partner, when I bumped into my ex fiancée, her face was a look of proper heartbreak.
She is now trying like a bear to get me back & I mean trying extremely hard.
It’s hard because despite the break up, I still love her. But, I also love my new partner, so I am kind of torn.
It’s not easy, but…the moral of the story is…ex’s DO come back when you least expect it, be that months (as in my case) or even years later.
I didn’t believe that when my ex fiancée broke up our relationship, but it is indeed true.
So what’s happend in your story?
Hello R. I was with my ex for over 20 years and I do still care for her but the callousness of my ex dumping me after giving a good portion of my life to her and being like a family. She has joined the ranks of a ghoster (dumper). And I believe she’ll do it again. I think I’d rather stick to my new partner. I really wanted closure but as time goes by I care less about it, and count my blessings my heart has healed and gotten stronger. I helped raise her two boys from diapers to joining the Marines. Built her mom a wheelchair ramp and went to her funeral. Birthdays, xmas, halloween costumes, thousands of pictures of her kids growing up at different ages and so much more. I broke down and cryed like a baby when after she dumped me her son cursed at me like a sailor, threated to kick my a** and called me names I had never heard coming out of his mouth. My ex said it would be forever before she ever talks to me again.
Will,
I applaud you, my friend. It sounds like you had an internal and forever commitment to be with your ex. It truly is her loss.
Stay with no contact. I plead with you to do so. You were wounded by your ex and insulted by her son. That is time to walk away and refocus on you.
Yeah…sounds easy, but it is going to be a tough road. Just like a broken bone, you need time to protect yourself, time to heal, and time to build strength in your character.
Go to the gym, everyday. The gym is my form of meditation. It is my place to let aggression out on the weights or tire my anger by burning it out through an epic cardio session.
Chase your goals. There are things I imagine you have always wanted to accomplish. Now is the time. Invest in yourself, not on someone who ghosted you. I could send you a book of psychological articles that prove individuals who ghost have a maturity deficit. Run…don’t walk away from someone who ghosts.
Date, but don’t rush into a relationship. Watch for red-flags. Learn your attachment style AND your love language.
My heart goes out to you, brother! I hope you’ll respond.
Thanks for your encouragement “R” . I don’t have a clue what the future holds for me with my new gf but say good riddance to the old and just like my old ghoster gf we get along great. I am presently taking piano lessons because I’d like to learn it and first and more important to me is my Spanish lessons because it will help me communicate better to a few of my Spanish customers who knows little English. I’m at the age where I’ve only got 20 or 30 years left in me or less due to congestive heart failure and I want to enjoy my final years
Hi Zan/All,
Your insight on my odd break up is appreciated. I was in a relationship with a girl for a year (she’s 27, I’m 37 – both women).
During the first 8 months everything was amazing. Virtually zero arguments/fights. She has a gay male roommate that she has an unhealthy codependent relationship with. In Jan of this year, he complained to her that she wasn’t spending enough time with him. Since that time, she began pulling away and shifting her time and attention to him. This led to us getting into many arguments because I explained how that hurt our relationship and that she needed to set boundaries because she was treating him as a 3rd party in our relationship.
At the end of May, we went on a romantic getaway where she told me how much she loves me, talked about kids and our future… 1 week after getting back, her behavior with the roommate started again and I told her that maybe we should take a break so she can figure out how to set boundaries with him. 2 weeks later she broke up with me (over text) saying, “I’m not ready for US”, “it’s not you, it’s me”, “I need to work on myself” and that she felt the situation with her roommate was very toxic and she wasn’t ready to take the next step (ie move out of their apartment and in with me)… but that she still loves me and wants me in her life always.
Once I tried to reason with her or talk over the phone, she pulled away and became a rude jerk so I went into no contact (for about 3 weeks now). She blocked me from all social media and Is now posting very sexually suggestive stuff on social media, something she never showed signs of being into before (roommate taking the photos).
Do you think this is more a immaturity issue or lack of love/she’s moved on situation… or a combination of both? She hasn’t reached out at all since.
Tanya,
As a professor of communication I can advise only on conversations, rhetoric, etc… However, my best advice is to get out of this scenario. Run and do your best not to look back. There is no possibility of happiness with a party of 3 and issues of codependency.
The sexually implicit social media posts are VERY immature. Looking at them will only hurt you. I’m pretty sure Zan would agree that you need complete No Contact. 100%. This means not viewing anything your ex is posting. Roommate taking photos? Please….please stop viewing such posts. It is only going to hurt you.
What have you been doing to focus on you? Take small steps, but work on you a little bit everyday.
I would love to read your reply.
Thank you for the reply, Joel! I’ve been focusing my energy on spending time with friends to distract myself and journaling. Not looking at the photos has been the hardest part. Even though it hurts to see them, I have this morbid curiosity about how this person I loved has changed so drastically. But I know I need to stop. Each day has been a struggle of emotions ranging from loneliness/sadness to anger. It’s has been so difficult to accept that the person I was in love with changed so much in such a short period of time. I’m hoping that the indefinite no contact will help me heal faster.
You have my empathy….so much!
Please, please don’t access any of the photos. It’s just going to hurt so much.
An ex literally seems like a demon once they’ve broken off from you. It’s shocking and it hurts.
I don’t even no you, but I want you to realize that you are an amazing person. How do I know this? Because you are on Zan’s site and that means you are mature and seeking to grow from this.
Keep hanging out with friends….even when you don;t want to. Glad you journal. To be honest, journaling hurt me. I would go back to past pages and read my emotions and it would be devastating.
I know Zan is busy, but I do check my replies. Feel free to respond.
Stay strong. Stay safe. Stay in no contact.
Hi Joel! I can’t thank you enough for your insight. So, over the past week, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m seeing the relationship for what I wasn’t getting and unhappy about rather than the final act of her leaving. I truly feel like the break up was the best thing for ME. I know you said not to look at the social media posts, which I abstained from until today (I’m the kind of person that forces myself to face what I fear to take the fear away). I looked today and guess what, I didn’t have a visceral reaction to it (high five!!) it was like looking at a stranger. I totally get your point on re-reading journal entries. I never re-read until I’m totally over the person so that I don’t get sucked back into those feelings. I use the journal more as a way to document my own grief process. I still think about her everyday BUT I’m way more balanced between the good and bad now.
Zen is such a cool thing. It’s an emotional phase that doesn’t stick around long enough. When it does we can learn so much.
I’d love for you to work away from viewing the social media posts, but in time.
What will you be doing this week to work on you?
Looking forward to reading your reply.
My Ex broke up with me just over a month ago, we were together for 2 years and the relationship was amazing, we were so good together but after spending a month alone due to this stupid COVID 19 I spent 4 days with her, she had sex with me on the morning of the 4th day and by the afternoon she broke up with me, said she didn’t feel the same? haven’t really spoken to her and have been in no contact for about a month, I did however have to ask for my ID card but didn’t bring up the break up or try small talk just asked for her to send me ID card to mine as a new one costs £50 she replied with “it’s not at mine sorry” I said well if u find it please send it to me, cheers” and that was it, so I don’t consider that as breaking no contact as it was necessary, for the past 3-4 weeks she has hardly spent anytime at home, she can’t go for more than one day without seeing her friends or spending the night at her friends house? What does this mean? Is she trying to distract herself because she finds it too hard to sit at home alone with her thoughts? If so what does that mean? Or has she just moved on
Do I even have a chance?
I miss her a lot
And I love that girl
Hi Sam.
Your ex is trying to distract herself with other people. She doesn’t want to be alone at home. That’s why I suggest that you give her the space she’s asking for and focus on yourself for now. I know you miss her, but if she’s going to come back, it’s after she’s had some time to think about it.
Hang in there!
Zan
I was in relationship with a girl for 1 year and then she broke up with me. But during 1 month no contact she wished me valentines and one day she even complimented me for my dance video. When i contacted her back she was again ignoring me. What does that mean?
It means she was breadcrumbing you, dum dum…
Dude….Dum Dums are lollipops and jerks who make derogatory comments after telling someone they are a victims of breadcrumbs from their ex.
Manoj,
It is the act of breadcrumbing. Stay in no contact. This includes social media.
Be strong. Focus on yourself and your personal improvements.
This comment is for Caitlyn
You say he’s more mature than you, but I beg to differ. There is a reason why some older men date younger women. If this guy was mature and your relationship meant something to him, he would have reassured you and not decided to throw in the towel after you ask who some internet commenter (or possible clinger) was. If you weren’t calling him demanding “who is that b$&@$ Commenting on your stuff? Are you cheating on me??” and more just asked “hey, who is that girl commenting? Do you think she likes you etc?” then I think it’s a fair question.
Your subsequent behaviour might make you cringe, but he had already set it all in motion, don’t blame yourself. I say take this as a lesson in how to keep your cool and step back for an evening instead of blowing someone’s phone and respect the boundaries of others (even if they’re idiots).
This relationship cannot and will not bring you happiness. Imagine a day when you’re 40, and he’s 55 and an irrational baby of a man. Life is short, don’t waste yours on relationships like that. Age is no indication of maturity, unfortunately.
Hi Zan,
So I was dating this guy who was 16 years older than me for about 2 months but have known him for over a year. We started dating but we weren’t officially out there. I questioned him one day about a girl who was commenting and liking all of this photos on Instagram. It wasn’t anything crazy but one of those she had to post an emoji or something on every picture. I confronted him about it and I’m not sure if i came off as accusing or not but I really just wanted to know who the girl was. He said it was nobody and we got through it. About two hours later he stopped answering me and that night told me he wanted to be single so he didn’t have to listen to anyone and focus on things more important. During that time I was blowing up his phone texting calling block calling voicemails anything I could do to get him to try and change his mind.
My head was racing with guilt emotion regret I didn’t realize what I was doing. He told me he only gives one chances and that Once he is done he’s done. I did something really bad and shows up to his work once again to try to get him to talk to me and only did that once and he got extremely mad at that. I realize now I made matters worse and told me to stop contacting him and I didn’t listen. He said if I wasn’t going to stop then he was going to call the police. I added his sister on Facebook not to contact her but to see if she would add me back. She did but yesterday when he threatened to call the police I saw she unadded me so now I feel like he is talking about me and what I did. It has been 4 days since the break up and I haven’t tried to contact him since yesterday. It was one of those things where I didn’t have closure and left me out of nowhere. I feel horrible and feel like this thing was entirely my fault thinking I accused him and then tried to contact him the way I did.
I feel so sick and haven’t eaten or slept and tried to go out with friends and couldn’t. I am blocked on everything but my question is do you think he will ever contact me again? I am 25 he is 40 so he is much more older and mature then I am but I got soo much feeling for him and this is extremely hard for me. I feel like I’m in a black hole that I can’t get out of. I don’t know what to do obviously I can’t contact him but it kills me to know if he’ll ever contact me again because of what I did or is he completely done. I didn’t do anything to hurt him besides blow up his phone and show up at his work but I realize now what I did was extremely wrong and just wish I can tell him that I realize that.
I handled things the wrong way because of my emotion and feel like I’m the reason I did this. I just want him to know how sorry I am and wonder if I should apologize later down the road for the way I acted even tho I have already done that. This just ended out of nowhere with no closure and I just don’t know what to do and how to get through it.
Dont apologize, you’ve already done that,at 25 you’re young woman with so.much life ahead of you, there’s something better for you out there.
Hi Caitlyn. Sounds like your story is simular to mine and I too showed up at my exes job job at a hospital where she works as a BSN, Registered Nurse. Our age difference is 21 years. She’s 47 and I’m 68. I was with her for over 20 years and got ghosted 2 years ago this month on the 27th. And I’m blocked every where on the face of the earth and don’t really know what she told her grown sons I met when they were in diapers but they dispise me now. I’ve been NO CONTACT for 6 months and it really does heal your heart. It’s tough at first but it works. I went from thinking about my ex 24/7 to only wanting closure why she dumped me, to now not really caring. Why would I want to get back with a dumper who would do it again and without feelings? Stay strong and in no contact and TIME, will heal your heart. There’s always the possibillity of your ex coming back but you deserve someone better. Tell your ex to take a hike
Hi Zan,
My ldr ex dumped me for the second time. At first, he messaged me (after 2 weeks) to ask to be friends, but after i asked for space and told him we can try to be friend after i’ve healed he wouldn’t leave me alone. He said I don’t have to reply to him, just read his messages. He then proceeded to text me a few times every week, basically trying to start a conversation or telling me his latest holidays, activities etc. He’s also telling me stuff like he’s been sick, failed his exam, etc which basically trying to get my sympathy.. I don’t get what he wants from me? He dumped me twice, all because he couldn’t do the distance anymore and that he thought he needed someone local. He thought we could never work out.
He’s being unfair. Wants the benefits of emotional support of a relationship but no commitment to you. He’s not respecting your boundaries you tried to place by telling him you need time. He wants you to read but not reply? Sounds like a mini-torture plan for the dumped!
I’m guessing you’re hesitant in blocking him. I suggest telling him one more time to respect your wishes and give you space for now. If he continues to contact, I would block him.
Hi Zan or anyone who can offer help. Here is my problem I am trying to do no contact, my ex has legal documents and passports my lawyer needs next week she has promised me four times she would post them out to me still no sign, she also told me twice she would leave them at the front door for me to collect and didn’t I have to get them back obviously knocking on her door unannounced is not a good idea but I need them by next Monday so running out of options, please advice someone thanks
How does she have all of these documents and if you lived with her how come you don’t have keys?
This has nothing to do with no contact if the documents are that important.
Hello, I’m 19 this year and my ex of 5 months is 20. We’ve just broken up 2 weeks ago & honestly it has been really depressing. He said that I was too controlling and our personalities just don’t match at the moment. He said he’s enjoying the single life and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. And that he doesn’t know if he still likes me anymore but has kept his feelings for me aside. I have tried to talk things out with him but it doesn’t work as he sad he chooses not to be in a relationship anymore even if there is hope. Furthermore he might be going aboard to study this year, and I would only go next year. What should I do? We are in the same university and class, so we still wave at each other when we meet, but that’s about it. It doesn’t look like he will come back anytime soon and frankly i just don’t think he’s ready for a serious relationship yet. We both have the same major and will most probably study abroad in the same school. When we come out to work, we would be in the same line of work as well.Should we continue to be friends? Would that ruin our possibilities of being back together again? I want to move on and believe that if he’s meant to be mine, he will come back. But it’s really hard to move on.
p.s i still text him once in a few days but he takes several hours to respond. Is that normal? Or should I wait til he contacts me?
So this site advocates no sex as a healing therapy?
They DO come back and they DO change their mind. It happened to me before, but I refused to take her back. Zan, as much as I enjoy your articles, I feel like you are a little too biased at times. What makes you think it’s impossible for dumpers to think about their exes…even when they are “ happy” in another relationship? Trust me, I’m old enough to know they do entertain the idea of coming back to their exes and it’s really only a matter of circumstance that will determine if or when they contact you. Relationships have unfortunately changed in this day and age and faithfulness and loyalty is rare. Thanks for the article.
Perhaps someone can comment on my recent experience. I have been in strict no contact with my ex for the past 6 weeks. We work in the same building but it’s a huge place so we don’t see each other. My ex is an avoidant. She fits every description of it. She found some excuse to end the relationship, after which I immediately went into no contact. I had not seen or heard from her for those six weeks when, last Friday, she barged into my office area looking for me. She claimed that her boss sent her to find me to assist with some two other staff issues. The two staff followed her in a few minutes later and I fixed the issues but she stood around and talked to me for 2 hours after they left, but not of our relationship, but of her job duties and the fact that I don’t assist her anymore with IT related matters. The next day I saw her boss and asked him if he sent her to find me the day before. He said no, he did not. So why did she lie? Two days after all this I ran into her and asked her about what was going on with us. She said it was over. Any thoughts?
She’s mad because you’re not begging and pleading like her girlfriends advised her and told her.Stsy in no contact, put the disinterested vibes out there, make her beg and plead.
It was a breadcrumb. She was most likely unhappy with something in her life and was looking for temporary validation.
Stay in no contact.
Hi Zan, I dated a girl for 7-years. We moved to a new city and our relationship slowly eroded due to work, over-committments and stress.She broke up with my shortly after my birthday and we had since been with other people, dated a bit, she moved out, got her own place, we also hooked up quite a bit, too – and went to therapy…even. She said she was confused and felt bad that I knew what I wanted (her), but she was unsure. We did no contact once for a month during it over the holidays, but now more recently, she asked for space. I moved to a new city to start a new job and am back into the first week and a half of no contact. How do I go about getting her back? Simply focus on me and let her come back (even though she dumped me?) – or is she going to move on since I moved away and am now not contacting her? Let me know your thoughts! Thank you.
Stay in no contact. Make it indefinite. Reads Zan’s article about people who broke no contact. It hurts. You’ve already been through enough pain.
Cam,
It appears that you were receiving breadcrumbs…..a lot of them. Breadcrumbs only build hope for a short while then leave you with an empty hole in your stomach.
Don’t focus on self-improvement for her. Focus on self-improvement for you. When you are feeling great about yourself and your life and self esteem are piquing maybe she’ll notice, or even better you won’t even care if she notices.
Stay in no contact. Be strong!
Just one last note. I am old. I thought i had seen it all. I counsel others. I am just totally fascinated with this site and its author.
Incredible, authentic article. True to the final punctuation point. Author is a genius.
Hi Zan, I kind of agonized a bit over a prior agreement I made with my ex when she moved six months ago. I reached out to a couple of Dating channels who believe in strict no contact and they said it was fine to mail her stuff to her and another said F her lol.
She asked if she’d like me to pick up or forward her important mail before she moved out, to which I said I’d mail it. Well, I’ve been collecting quite a bit of stuff I’ve found over the last six months and in the last couple of weeks got a cheque and a tax statement, so I boxed it up and shipped it with a short note wishing her well and asking her to update her mail and stating that I’d be returning all her mail to the sender from now on. I didn’t put anything in the note fishing for a response and tracking notified me she picked it up yesterday and I’m not expecting her to reach out.
I hope this doesn’t give her an ego stroke, but frankly I don’t want to get any more of her mail and I try to be honourable and keep my word. I held off as long as I felt it wasn’t important mail. I don’t even look at her social media and have never messaged her or anything since she moved.
Anyway, I guess I still get some anxiety over her, but I just felt it was time to deal with that and get her stuff out of my place.
Thanks again for your helpful blogs.
If I was your ex I don’t think I’d get an ego stroke from it. Sounds like a note from a stable, forward-moving person. Sounds like you are doing a good job! Stay strong!
Thanks Carly! It’s annoying that even after six months I still get a bit anxious about her and overthink. Looking forward to being completely free. I’m almost there.
I hear what you are saying, it can be so annoying. You are doing great! You will be stronger and better from this. I am more than six months out of my last relationship and I still obsess at times, but it’s slowly getting easier.
Well hang in there and remind yourself that we as dumpees did a lot of soul searching and personal growth while ours are probably in the same place they were when they left us. Onward and upward.
“Your ex has different plans that, unfortunately, don’t include you. They are selfish plans that have everything to do with your ex and nothing with you.” LOL!!!! There you have it folks, the plain and ugly reality, having lots of sex is a great way to heal and get over your ex and no I didn’t like the article ,since you asked
Having lots of sex? You don’t get the basics of this site. I’d encourage you to get therapy.
Lots of sex? Get therapy. Don’t provide advice to others. Leave that to Zan.
Hey Zan
Can i just say that as a dumpee around the 3.5 month mark, i notice alot of these reactions in myself. I find myself missing my ex more when something in life inconveniences me or I suffer some form of rejection/set back wether it be professional or personal. Having awareness of this has helped me not to act of the passing feelings.
My ex has left me 3x over a 4.5 yr relo and this time ive kept all connections closed re social media (no snapchat tiktok fb insta followings) because in past breakups it kept hope alive. I disappeared completely until he contacted me 2 weeks ago for my bday. We ended bad and i know his emotional attraction was below zero. But it scares me that hes softening up and felt ok to reach out again. I am strong enough to not reach out but i am scared I am not strong enough to hold back if he does try to open further communication.
Time does change your exes emotional temperature esp if you don’t beg and you leave them be. If anything its curiosity i feel. I just want to again thank you for your work. It can be tough pills to swallow what you preach but its been accurate at least in my experience