Cheaters and cheatees (people who get cheated on) both encounter different kinds of post-infidelity stressors and challenges.
While cheatees experience gut-wrenching anxiety and a fear of loss, cheaters tend to feel impulsive and guilty. They consider themselves to be immoral people and, as a result, oftentimes struggle to view themselves as people with decent self-control and self-worth.
I suppose this depends on each person as some people aren’t very conscious of their actions. Some people don’t care if their cheating affects others, so they remain unethical and underdeveloped as people.
Because of this, they usually repeat their mistakes in the future, anger the wrong person, and get hit by karma for refusing to change their ways.
If you want to know whether it’s harder to cheat or to be cheated on, the truth is that it depends on you. It depends on whether you’re the type of person who’s trying to be a good person.
If you’re trying hard to be moral and you want others to acknowledge your efforts, you’ll most likely have a difficult time accepting that you cheated. You’ll be a prisoner of your own immoral actions and as a result, seek forgiveness from the person you cheated on.
When you finally obtain forgiveness from the person you hurt, you’ll feel a weight lifted off your shoulders and feel much better. You’ll be able to breathe again and focus on the present.
But unfortunately, the stigma of a cheater won’t go away that easily as your actions will have branded you as a cheater.
In this post, we’ll talk about the effects of cheating on cheaters and cheatees.
What does it feel like to be cheated on?
I still remember the pain I felt when my ex cheated on me. It hurt so much it upset my stomach and made me extremely afraid to be alone. I thought about leaving her and stopping all communication with my ex immediately, but because I had low self-esteem and loved my ex more than myself, I forgave her a few hours later and convinced her to give us another chance.
This was a big mistake. Forgiving her right away has caused me more than six months of fears, worries, and nightmares. And after that, it took me another six months or so to completely process the cheating and be okay with it.
Little did I know at the time that it wasn’t my fault I got cheated on. Deep inside, I knew that I couldn’t control my ex’s thoughts and actions, but because I was in pain and didn’t know my worth, I blamed myself in spite of that.
I convinced myself that it was the arguments and my behavior that “forced” my then-girlfriend to seek intimacy from another man. One of my friends also told me that people cheat when they’re unhappy, so I listened to him and agreed with him.
But one thing my friend forgot to mention is that cheaters can’t justify their unhappiness by betraying their loyal partner’s trust.
If they aren’t happy, there’s a better way to solve their problems. All they have to do is talk to their partner about it. And if their partner doesn’t want to talk and improve the relationship, they can always leave their partner peacefully with respect and take some time away from dating.
Unfortunately, my ex didn’t want to talk about our problems prior to or after the cheating. She wasn’t mature and sympathetic enough to want the best for me and the relationship.
That’s why my esteem-deprived self had “no choice” but to absorb the pain and wait for my anxiety to subside naturally.
Eventually, it did get better, but had we talked about her infidelity when I felt afraid and actually worked on the relationship, the anxiety and uncertainty I felt in my chest would have disappeared much quicker.
It would still take months of time to fully process, of course, but I suppose my partner didn’t think it was important to discuss the cheating. She thought my problems were mine and hers hers.
I admit that I demanded a lot of information from my partner. Way more than I should have. I wanted to know who the guy she cheated on me with was and how it led to cheating.
I also wanted to know exactly what they did during the night they’d spent together and what the guy did to persuade her into cheating.
It was my insecurities and broken ego thinking that learning the details would somehow make the pain go away. Of course, talking about it and visualizing the cheating didn’t make things better. It just made it worse as it reminded me that someone else got physically intimate with the person I loved.
The thing that helped me get over the cheating and trust again was blind faith. Faith that things would return to normal and that I’ll become a better romantic partner.
What’s it like to be a cheater?
Although I never cheated on a person, I know what it’s like for cheaters. Let’s first look into my ex’s cheating.
When my ex cheated on me, I remember my ex say, “Do you think this is easy for me? I’ll have to live with cheating for the rest of my life. I’ll always be a cheater in my eyes and I’ll never be able to forgive myself.”
I don’t think that she’ll never forgive herself as I’m sure she already has, but when she told me that she cheated, her actions definitely indicated that her own perception of herself has temporarily changed and that she struggled to view herself as a righteous person.
On the one hand, this person was going to church and wanted to live a good moral life, but on the other, she didn’t behave the way she wanted to. Her actions contradicted the rules she intended to live by as well as her parents’ values, so she felt guilty and unsure about what to think of herself.
Her cheating on me didn’t just make her feel guilty. Guilt was the least of her concerns. The thing she was worried about the most was that in her mind, she wasn’t the person she thought she was.
She was someone who breaks commandments and commits the worst sins on the planet.
I remember she would always tell me, “I would never cheat on you. I’d rather die than do something so disrespectful to you and myself.“
This was her mentality when she was thinking intelligently. When her emotions took control of her, however, she quickly neglected her morals and principles she lived by and did the least rational thing.
She hid things, lied, and even cheated.
I’m not saying this to bash her. I’d just like you to understand that people cheat not just because they’re unhappy but also because they lack control over their thoughts, emotions, and behavior.
They cheat because they make important decisions with emotions and regret cheating when rationality returns.
My ex isn’t the only person who regretted cheating and felt stuck between the person she was and the person she thought she was or wanted to be. Many cheaters feel that cheating has ruined their chance at being ethical people.
At least the people who care about their actions and others’ opinions of them. Such cheaters find it extremely hard and distressing to trust themselves again. They know that they lacked self-control and moral values in the past.
This is why they ponder whether they can let go of their mistakes and be virtuous human beings again.
The society doesn’t make it any easier on them either.
Most cheaters are familiar with the phrase “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” This phrase (as well as other sayings about cheaters) tell cheaters that they’ll always be cheaters and that they should be ashamed of themselves for acting on their emotions and betraying their partner’s trust.
If you ask me, they should be ashamed. They should be ashamed so that they reflect on their behavior and learn to control their strong impulses.
Not all cheaters feel guilty
The unfortunate truth is that some people don’t feel bad about their cheating. They have poor values, so instead of apologizing and showing sympathy, they react with anger and fury—and blame their partner or ex-partner for their actions and the way they feel.
Cheaters who explode with anger when confronted about cheating are considerably underdeveloped as people. They don’t understand their emotions, let alone the damage they’ve caused by cheating, so they tend to react to the misperceived injustice their loyal partners cause them.
Such cheaters don’t have a guilty conscience because they’re convinced that their behavior is justifiable. They believe that their partner deserved to be cheated on or that they deserve to be happy with someone better suited for them.
It’s unfortunate, but all cheaters don’t suffer from guilt, shame, or other self-destructive emotions. Most cheaters suffer when they get involved with someone new and repeat their mistakes.
They may not cheat again if they reflect on their cheating behavior, but if they leave their ex-partner cold-heartedly and blame their ex-partner for their mistakes, they usually don’t acknowledge their shortcomings nor improve them.
They just remain as they are.
It’s better to be the cheatee
In my opinion, being the cheatee is much easier than being the cheater.
Yes, it hurts like hell to get your heart crushed by the person you love. But as Friedrich Nietzsche stated, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Pain helps cheatees evolve into stronger people. It especially helps those who get cheated on and left for someone else because such people tend to go through a life-changing phase.
They suffer through the worst experience of their lives and as a result, rebuild the parts of their lives that were lacking prior to cheating. In my case, it was my self-esteem and ambition that were lacking. For other dumpees, it can be internal happiness, social life, passion, hobbies, health, and much, much more.
Cheaters on the other hand don’t improve much if at all. They feel emotions of power (anger, bitterness, relief, contempt, suffocation…) and because of it, lack the drive to self-invest.
The only way cheaters and mean dumpers improve their lackings (their core values) is if they’re forced to improve them through pain and suffering.
This is why it’s much better to be cheated on than to cheat.
If I had to choose, I’d always choose to get cheated on. The pain would suck more than words can describe, but at least I’d improve myself and eventually find someone deserving of me.
If I cheated on my partner, on the other hand, I know I’d have a difficult time seeing myself in a positive light for many years.
I wouldn’t take myself as an advisor seriously because it wouldn’t feel authentic to tell people not to cheat when I myself cheated.
In a nutshell, being a cheater is much, much less painful at the time of cheating. But if the cheater has decent morals and strives to be better, he or she could experience an identity crisis and suffer long-term.
What do you think? Is it harder to cheat or to be cheated on? Let me know what you think by commenting below.
My brother lied and said he caught me cheating on my husband. No one told me for two months. He was in love with some else and is likely the cheater. He hid his new love from me and most everyone else and my brother took advantage of this and made up a story. He knows I did not cheat and regularly does business and is on good terms with the man I was supposedly caught with. It was hard on my ego to suffer spousal abandonment and have my reputation questioned. I don’t think he could overcome being cheated on as well as I did if at all. I would not want to wish it on anybody.
Hi SC.
I’m sorry to hear your brother caused you so much trouble. Your partner should always check with you first to see if the story matches before he takes any drastic measures. If your partner cheated, this would have been a projection. Sometimes people do that to intentionally destroy what they have and avoid dealing with the consequences of their actions.
Sincerely,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Thank you for these articles and this website it is truly a place of solace.
I am going through a tough breakup at the moment, which is somewhat complicated; as I am the dumpee, however, due to a problem I have with alcohol abuse as a coping mechanism, I hurt my now ex girlfriend badly.
We had been in a relationship of over 2 years, we bonded very well and never fought, reasoned everything out and respected each other, planned future together. However, in the same time I opened up a business with a partner. This took a lot of my time, energy and resources, made me depressed. During this time, when I was hanging out with my girlfriend I felt guilty that I was not helping out my partner and when I was with my partner I felt the other way round (not being with my girlfriend). So I was stuck in between them and so I sometimes would wander off alone as not to feel bad for letting either one down.
I am also a person who represses emotions and one time I started drinking early in the afternoon because of some angry emotions I was feeling and by the evening ended up in a bar with a group of strangers. I was blackout drunk by this time, my girlfriend was at the same bar with her friends and they told me that I was flirting with one of the girls in the group.
She took this very bad and feels betrayed by my actions.
As soon as this episode happened I became sober and went to counselling, tried to keep the relationship but she wanted space and wanted to breakup and be single. I gave her space and distance we have been in no contact for about 1 and half month, break up happened around 2 months ago. I did not beg, plead or over apologise and left as soon as she told me to.
I don’t know what to make of the situation, I feel very bad for what happened, I love her and wish the world for her, I am working hard on changing, committed to change for the better and wish to reconcile but it is not up to me as she decided not to save the relationship.
How should I feel? Do you have any advice?
Regards,
Zet
Hi Zet.
Your girlfriend felt betrayed by your actions, but ultimately, it’s up to her to trust you again. She has to realize that she overreacted, so stay in no contact and wait. She might talk to you again—and that’s when you’ll be able to explain yourself. I think that there were other unresolved issues in the relationship that weighed it down. You being at the bar was just something that pushed her over the edge.
My advice is to keep working on yourself, Zet. You’ve got to fix your issues and let her come to you. If she wants to get back with you, she will do so of her own accord.
Kind regards,
Zan
To this day my wife gets withdrawn, looks away and changes the subject whenever I get triggered about her monkey branching many years ago.
Thank you for helping me understand what she’s going through
Yeah, been here and it was hard. Played the role of the cheater as a kid so maybe it was deserved, though kissing girls round the corner and feeling bad about it is different from someone screwing your friend to get vengeance after an argument and attempting to hide it. And it was all a mistake that hurt her too, so there are similarities and reasons for sympathy. But it hurt, and despite encouragements and opportunities she gave after it was never going to work out, and there’s a lot of resentment for the years spent trying to work it out. Particularly when you discover whatever you thought you were fighting to make yourself a better person is BS, that you kept failing and feeling worthless, slowly chipping away any trust in your intuition, aiming energy at a problem that doesn’t exists. That’s the worst part, knowing that in being miserable with their choices they were willing to hold on an make others suffer so they didn’t feel/seem so bad, and you were foolish enough to believe for something like seven years you were the source of it. Letting yourself continue as you feel to abandon them to the pain you can see when you cross paths is an unkindness. Nothing they wouldn’t do to you, mate, but it makes their abandonment feel justified when you lack the ability to make them happy, or the strength to move on. There are better people in the world, they know that, but still do everything they can to keep your eyes on them, even if they have to start resorting to those old style games in the process.
We learn things eventually and sometimes it helps. Sometimes we’re reminded of who and what we let fall aside in trying to make up for fictitious faults, and it hurts. We feel foolish. And we resent them for making us a worse person, for not encouraging those who were a little more worth the time, but due to the actions of another we felt we weren’t really good enough for either.
I’ve never cheated on anyone in the ways personally experienced. As a kid it was curiosity and confirmation, not a desire for conquest over another, and after checking that yes, you are reading that young ladies actions correctly you understand the pain it might birth in others. It’s nice to feel wanted, but chances are if you try justify cheating for your own sense of self worth you’re just a brat.
Hi Richy.
Thank you for your enlightening message. I’m sure many readers will relate to your words.
Best,
Zan
A month ago my 1,5 years girlfriend cheated on me with my friend at the party, calling me afterwards in the morning saying she loves me (after that had happened), thinking I wouldn’t know. I asked him to look after her and he did. I kicked her out of the house immediately without talking or shouting, just blocked her out of my life.
I was devastated. It was the first time someone cheated on me and it hurt as fuck, but deeply inside I know that this is her problem, not mine and I’m moving on.
The only one thing I still don’t understand: why did she apologize to everyone in our circle but didn’t do that to me? Don’t think I need this closure full of excuses but just can’t understand what the heck.
Anyway, thanks Zen for this website. It’s absolutely diamond and helps a lot to structure thoughts being not able to think rationally.
Hi CQ.
Your ex must have been afraid of talking to you about her cheating apologizing to you, so she didn’t do it. She figured it’s best if she doesn’t speak to you because you could make her feel worse/more guilty than she did.
Stay strong,
Zan
It sounds like we had the ex Zan! 😂
As far as I’m concerned, my ex is nothing more than a filthy, underdeveloped piece of human trash valued at nothing more than a public toilet. I wouldn’t be caught dead remotely acknowledging or associating myself with her in any way, shape or form. I take pleasure in knowing that one day, she will get what she deserves. Karma never forgets anyone and cheaters always get what’s coming to them at some point. It never fails.
Hi DK.
Undeveloped people always get what they ask for. It’s only a matter of time. I hope that you’re completely over your ex by the time she gets hit by karma.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
This article really struck home with me. I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 years and it all came to an abrupt halt when I found out that she cheated on me through infidelity. I even when as far to forgive her but she showed no remorse of thoughts about even resolving the issue. She became a completely different person from whom I thought I new and left me with the person she cheated on me. From the beginning I have be in complete no contact, she even unfriended me on social media. At times I do feel the urge to contact her but I know it would just reopen wounds that haven’t healed properly. As you mentioned in your previous blogs cheaters will try to make it as they are the victims. However, it really hurts to see someone you poured your heart and trust into to treat you as a piece of garbage. It really shows how underdeveloped their morals and mentality really is. Although it has been over nearly 4 months since the break-up I still have thoughts of the good memories and times spent together. We had lived together so the memories still haunt me as I was forced to tell her that she can no longer stay with me. My heart told me that we could work it through, but my brain said that once trust is broken it becomes difficult to continue the relationship, especially if only one side (the cheatee) is willing to put the past behind and put all the work towards improving on it. I always seek your guidance in your blogs and feel that each blog you post directly relates and helps with me understand the situation and heal my wounds. At times I wonder whether her being the cheater and jumping into a new relationship is either a rebound or if it really is a serious relationship that she sought. At times I wonder does she have any regret for her actions or is enjoying life with that new person.
During the last day that we were together when the secret was out, she said that what she needed was the intimacy that her new romantic partner could provide her. I tried to explain that the lust part is only part of love as a whole but should not be the main focus of the relationship. Some days I blame myself for the break-up and disregarding the red flags because I truly believed that she loved me and would never betray me as I had always took care of her. But in the end her true colors showed and she stabbed me in the back without any sympathy. Metaphorically speaking, to keep replaying the scenes of our breakup over and over in my mind is like having myself pull out the knife and repeatedly stab myself again and again. I just need to leave the past and not wait for any validation from her. At times I do wish for karma to strike her and her new lover but to do that would just lower myself to being as bad as the cheater. I don’t want a build up of bad karma so I force myself to think that this is an opportunity to find someone better who truly values the love and affection I provide. However, the pain was and still is so immense that I feel as though I would need some sort of psychiatric therapy. But your blogs have truly helped and opened my eyes towards understanding the picture as a whole from both perspectives. I really enjoy your work Zan and look forward to more blogs that will help me in the healing process. Keep up the good work.
Best regards,
Michael
I know how you feel Michael. I was with my ex for 10 years and through it all she also swore high and low that she would never leave and how we were forever and all sorts of fairy tale words. Our relationship was a honeymoon for all the years we were together but the moment I left overseas to start-up a business that would ultimately secure an even better future for us, that’s when her true colors came out.
Never ever feel guilty or responsible when someone cheats on you. No matter what you did (unless it was something absurdly extreme involving physical violence, etc), absolutely NOTHING about you is responsible for her actions. She’s a low life piece of shit just like the rest of them – an under-developed, damaged, immature pathetic excuse for a woman.
Give yourself some time and focus on upgrading all aspects of your life. You will meet someone much better – I can almost guarantee it. I felt like shit for several months after the break up and also tried to fix things (I regret that everyday but it doesn’t really matter after a few weeks really) and then one day I met someone 10 years younger, 10x hotter, and 100x more intelligent than that twit I wasted 10 years of my life with.
Im still casually dating though as I’m not fully ready to commit to anyone person right now and I make sure to tell them all from the start. My focus is on my startup which is coming along nicely. One piece of advice I can give you from what I’ve learned is never ever make any woman the focus of your life. No matter who she is, no matter how amazing you find her, she should be nothing more than a compliment to your already awesome life.
You will come out of this a champ, just wait. Your ex is for the streets.
Hi Michael,
Your story sounds almost a complete match to mine. Although her cheating was emotional, she left me so very suddenly and changed into a completely different person over night.
I am just over three months since she left me, although she keeps walking past my house every time she comes to see her new guy – feels like she’s almost trying to wind me up by doing that.
I too am finding these articles so very helpful in my healing process.
Just out of curiosity, did her new relationship last, did you ever hear from her again?
Not getting caught is hard but dealing with being cheated on is the Worst.. Especially for a Man very HARD
Hi Juan.
It indeed is very hard. It’s one of the hardest (if not the hardest predicament) men go through.
Pain is especially bad worse for those who are people-pleasers and have poor self-esteem.
Kind regards,
Zan
Okay this article is so right because I am in the category of “my ex cheated on me, and left for someone else”
Any in the moment I understand that thought that was all mu fault I got cheated on
And yes you are so so right about this part “cheaters can’t justify their unhappiness by betraying their loyal partner’s trust.”
And I hen I return back and see all the growth and my 2 years journey being the cheatee is much easier than being the cheater for a lifetime decision
And Zan I’m so sorry that you went through this situation too but hey look what you build up in the end of the day!
Thank you again 🤍
Hi Linda.
Cheating affects cheatees very badly. If they care about their partner and want to be with him/her, I don’t think it’s possible for them not to get hurt.
I know you got hurt badly by your ex and that you blamed yourself, but you know that you didn’t ask to be disrespected this way. You didn’t deserve to get cheated on either. Not after everything you’ve done for your ex and the relationship.
And there’s need to be sorry for me, Linda. I’m happy things turned out this way. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you for the words Zan and for reply.
Nooo not sorry but to be on that situation sucks but hey you got stronger and wiser. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger as you mentioned Nietzsche