Have you ever met guys who talked about their ex-girlfriends all the time? Guys who started talking about their ex or exes out of the blue?
I know I have. I’ve had the privilege to talk to hundreds if not thousands of guys who obsessively talked about their ex-girlfriends.
Some guys talked about the good times, some mentioned the problems they encountered, and some badmouthed their exes and accused them of horrible things.
All the guys who talked about their ex-girlfriends had one thing in common though. They all felt invalidated and were hurt by their exes and talked (badly) about their exes to make themselves feel better.
They did that because talking had a therapeutic effect on them. It relieved their stress, fear, and anxietyāand made them feel more optimistic about their future.
This is what talking about difficult subjects does for men and women. It helps them process their unpleasant/painful experiences and allows them to put their pasts behind them.
I suppose the question you want to know is, should you really be with a guy who talks about his ex a lot? Should you trust him that he’s over his ex and that he won’t leave you for his ex if she comes back?
This is what we’ll talk about in this article. We’ll answer the question, “Why do guys talk about their ex-girlfriends” and give you some advice on how to handle guys who can’t go a day without mentioning their ex.
Why do guys talk about their ex-girlfriends?
Many guys talk about their ex-girlfriends because they aren’t over their exes. They still crave their exes’ love and affection and want their exes to come back.
They haven’t processed the abandonment and feelings for their exes yet and still view their exes as incredibly important people.
This is the reason why most guys talk about their ex-girlfriends.
There are also guys who don’t want their exes back but still talk about their exes. Such guys mention their exes because their exes are on their subconscious minds. Rationally, they know that their exes aren’t good/right for them, but because they recently got hurt, they still talk think about their exes and talk about them.
Last but not least are the guys who hate or love-hate their exes and want or don’t want their exes back. Such guys talk badly about their exes because they perceive their exes’ attitudes and behavior as mean and rude.
They hold grudges and want their exes to go through the kind of pain they went through. In other words, they want to be in the first row to witness their ex fail and become miserable.
Guys like this usually initiate conversations about their exes out of the blue, call their exes names, put their exes down, and do things detached people don’t do.
What vengeful guys say and how they express themselves depends on how hurt they are and what they’re like as people.
The more hurt they are and the less self-control and fewer moral values they have, the more bad things they say about their exes.
Vengeful guys essentially show that they have an eye for an eye mentality and that they will stay fixated on seeking revenge and finding closure either by causing pain or by witnessing it.
Please note that it’s not unusual for men and women to want their ex(es) to suffer. If the breakup just occurred and they got discarded like trash, they have every right to feel underappreciated, disrespected, and the need to get back at their ex.
But they should never act on their heartbroken emotions even if they feel the need to do so. If they do, they’re not much better than their exes. They’re just as impulsive.
Many dumpees who feel disrespected, unfortunately, want their ex to take responsibility. Especially the guys who got betrayed in the worst way imaginable (those who were cheated on, manipulated, lied to, and discarded cold-bloodedly).
Such guys need lots of time and talking to process the injustice that was done to them.
The truth is that some dumpers leave their partners with no forethought and sympathy whatsoever. They show no concern for the person who stayed loyal and treat him or her with no dignity and respect.
Such dumpers are often victims of instant revenge as they bring the worst out in people.
Here are 5 reasons why guys talk about their exes.
If a guy mentions his ex a lot…
It’d be impossible for me to say that all guys who talk about their exes are like this or like that. The truth is that every guy is different and that every guy’s words and actions indicate something else.
What it means when a guy mentions his ex strongly depends on:
- the weight behind a guy’s emotions
- the frequency at which a guy mentions his ex-girlfriend
- and the intentions of his words
If a guy mentions his ex-girlfriend every single day, it’s obvious that his ex is still on his subconscious and that he hasn’t processed the breakup yet. Whether he’s the dumper or the dumpee, he’s still thinking about his ex and hasn’t let go of the good or the bad times yet.
If such a guy jumps into a new relationship too quickly, he would likely still crave closure and may experience difficulty forming an emotional bond with his new partner.
But if a guy mentions his ex-girlfriend on a weekly or bi-weekly basis and doesn’t express sharp criticism, nostalgia, or strong emotions, he’s probably mainly or completely processed the separation.
His words indicate that he’s talking about his ex not because he misses his ex or hates his ex, but rather because something random reminds him of her.
You can tell that a guy hasn’t gotten over his ex yet if you notice that the girl occupies his mind and indirectly brings emotional instability to his life.
Talking about exes in a new relationship is often a red flag
If you met a guy that you like and you notice that the guy talks about his ex-girlfriends a lot (especially about a particular ex), you have a sign that the girl caused him emotional scars and made him obsessed with her.
She caused him separation anxiety and fears and triggered his desperation for emotional intimacy.
The best advice I can give you about a guy who frequently vents about his ex-girlfriend, ex-fiancĆ©e, or ex-wife is to be careful. Be careful because a person who’s emotionally fixated on the past is likely going to have a difficult time focusing on the present and the future.
He won’t be able to relax and appreciate your efforts because he’ll want to be appreciated for the things he’d done in the past.
With a guy like this, you have an important decision to make (preferably a rational one). You have to decide if he’s the kind of person who’ll say no to an ex when/if his ex comes back.
If you determine that he will indeed reject his ex and stay in love with you, you may want to have a conversation with him about his ex-girlfriend(s) when he brings them up.
You may want to help him get his exes out of his system and encourage him not to talk badly about them (if that’s what he’s doing). Explain to him that you understand why he talks about his previous partners and that you support him even though it makes you feel uncomfortable and insignificant.
This should make him understand that he talks about his ex(es) too much and that the way he expresses himself about his exes isn’t good for the relationship.
On the other hand, if you see that your ex often talks badly about his exes, appears very nostalgic, and you have a feeling that he’s not the kind of guy who will say no to an ex who dumped him, you may want to break up with him.
His heightened emotional state depicts that he’s emotionally dependent on his ex and that he’ll likely rebound with you or leave you when his ex comes back.
5)Signs a guy is not over his ex
In a nutshell, the best way to tell that a guy is not over his ex is if he’s very emotional about his ex. If he’s scared of his ex, excited to talk to her, or angry with her, it’s evident that he’s put the girl on a pedestal and that he wants her to acknowledge his worth.
Emotions are a strong indicator that a guy still feels connected to his ex. Rationally, he may not want his ex back, but emotionally, he still craves his ex’s recognition.
So pay attention to the way he talks and acts around his ex and try to understand how his ex makes him feel. Ask him questions about his past and see what kind of feedback he gives you.
If his wounds are fresh and he hasn’t processed the past yet, he could show you that he’s bitter with his ex and that he’s not ready for a new connection. For him to be ready, he’d first need to fix his broken ego.
With that said, here are 5 signs a guy is not over his ex yet.
1)The guy talks about his ex on the first date
If a guy starts talking about his ex on the first date, you can tell that he was forced to end the relationship with his ex-girlfriend and that he’s not happy about it. He’s probably angry, sad, and miserable, and isn’t ready to be with you or anyone other than his ex.
You have to understand that a guy who talks about his ex on a first date isn’t dating to connect with a new woman. He’s dating to meet someone who can distract him and ease his anxiety.
The best thing you can do about such a guy is to let him go. You’ll do you both a favor.
2)He’s angry with his ex and talks badly about her
Some women think that anger is a good sign when it comes to a guy being over his ex. But the truth is that anger is one of the worst emotions dumpees can feel. It’s often a sign that a dumpee guy still has feelings for his ex and that he wants his ex back to feel validated and in control of his emotions.
Anger means that a guy still hasn’t processed the injustice that was done to him and that he’s going to spend a big portion of his time seeking justice. He may not communicate with his ex and do something behind his new girlfriend’s back, but he could nonetheless put his life on hold for his ex and hope that his ex reaches out and apologizes.
3)He talks about his ex-girlfriends all the time
If a guy keeps mentioning his ex-partners, you have a sign that the guy got extremely hurt by his exes and that he feels nostalgic. He misses the good times he had with them and wishes that he could experience that sense of peace and comfort again.
A nostalgic guy basically clings on to the past for happiness and recognition and isn’t ready to develop a meaningful bond with someone new. Not until he emotionally and intelligently discerns that he must stop himself from indulging in nostalgia.
You should pay attention to how often he speaks about his ex-girlfriend(s) and try to figure out if he’s talking about his exes to process the pain they caused to him.
If he is, he’s with you for himself and not for you.
4)He still talks to his exes
Although there are guys who talk to their ex-girlfriends and get along with them just fine, the truth is that many guys talk to their exes because they still have feelings for them.
They feel reassured by them, so they stay in touch.
If you have a boyfriend who still talks to his ex, it’s your job to learn more about his relationship with his exes.
The questions you need to ask yourself are:
- How much time has passed since they broke up?
- How long have they been friends?
- Who broke up with who?
- What’s their relationship like?
- Have they had enough space from each other to get over each other?
- Is my boyfriend transparent about his communication with his exes?
Answering these questions will help you understand what kind of relationship your boyfriend and his exes have. So make sure you get to the bottom of things (preferably before you commit to a person who talks to his ex(es) on a regular basis).
The truth is that most exes aren’t emotionally prepared to stay friends right after the breakup. They need time away from each other otherwise the dumpee stays hooked on the dumper.
5)He compares you to his ex and hates talking about the future
The last sign on this list is when a guy refuses to make plans with you because “things always end badly for him.” This shows that he’s not emotionally ready to focus on the future because he hasn’t been able to let go of the past yet.
A guy who hates talking about the future is a guy who’s with you for relationship benefits and the companionship you provide. He doesn’t care if his indecisiveness, short temper, and lack of commitment make you feel insecure because deep inside, he’s not ready to be with you.
He has trust issues.
It may be in your best interest to avoid such guys because it’s highly unlikely that they’ll process the past and become more open-minded in the near future.
Have you learned why guys talk about their ex-girlfriends? Have you been with a guy who kept mentioning his exes? How did that go for you? Share your comment below.
I love everything you said. Now that Iām over my ex, I actually see it as a form of disrespect to mention someone from my past in a new relationship. Maybe I am old school but thatās how I feel. Even if I think it, I keep it to myself. Thereās nothing more satisfying then leaving the past to where it belongs and starting fresh in a new relationship.
I think this really depends on how close you are with your current girlfriend. Going to deep about an ex in the early stages of a new relationship are definitely a red flag to me. I know for myself, I use to mention my ex a lot previously and it was because he constantly came around to torture me and I was so traumatized, I couldnāt think of anything else. Men ran for the hills because of this. I then moved and after several months, I barely mention my ex, why? Because Iām pretty much over it. If anyone asks, regardless of how much he hurt me. I tell them, we simply we not meant for eachother. I donāt even want to talk about it bc itās exhausting and unnecessary. Unless of corse I know the person for quite a while and we share our past hurts (through time) than I donāt think Iād have an issue talking about my past relationship. There was a guy I was talking to for several weeks and he seemed extremely confused. One minute he was talking as if we were serious, next minute he only wanted something casual. Literally within a flip of a switch. It was extremely weird. He mentioned something about his ex in our first conversation ever and I just thought it to be unnecessary. I never even asked or initiated anything about any ex. Anyway, he disappeared lol and I now that Iām reflecting, I truly feel that he lost his ex and sort of continued where he left off with me. I was nothing but a distraction. Just as I was when my ex was in and out of my life by force, I was looking and hoping God would send someone to save me from it all. I never got it because in the end no1 saves anyone but themselves and of corse with the right amount of support from family and friends. Sorry if most of this didnāt pertain to you. I think you and your girl are close enough to share those experiences with each other and have a friendship which I think is awesome. Bless.
So, I guess guys arenāt allowed to be actual human beings? Itās totally human to react with anger and resentment when treated like garbage in a relationship. In fact, I would look with caution on anyone who doesnāt react (and talk) negatively to being mistreated. Mouthing off about a horrible ex doesnāt necessarily indicate that a guy hasnāt let go of her. It can also be a simple expression of feelings about a past situation. I think this is especially so when a relationship was long-term. I talk about my previous gf (and the terrible person she proved to be) quite a bit with my current gf. And she does the same about her ex, who also treated her like crap. It communicates a commonality of experiences that has helped us to bond. Iām sure there are men/women who donāt ever get over their exes – and either talk or donāt talk about them. But there seems to be too much generalizing in this article (and some others on this site). It would be a shame for ladies to use the āSigns a guy is not over his exā as a checklist when gauging a potential new relationship (as āLindaā indicated she would). We are all humans with brains and memories.
Hi PJ,
Thereās a southern saying that goes āa hit dog will holler.ā It means that if something triggers you then youāre (subconsciously) acknowledging that it applies to you. Thatās what youāre doing.
Not only does Zanās article apply to you, but you are rebounding and so is the person you are with. I know this, because your situation sounds like a previous one I was in (I actually had a few of these until I took time out from dating to heal). The both of you are filling a void for each other. Not sure how yours will play out, but itās best that you and your girlfriend take time to heal. Who knows, maybe you will help each other heal. Or maybe the two of you can take time to heal on your own and come back together again (to form a healthy bond based on your feelings for each other and not disdain for your exes). But, however this plays out for you, hopefully you (and the girlfriend) come out healthier in the end.
Regards,
T
This article is so true and I am guilty of having displayed some of this behaviour specifically having the undying urge to see her destroyed so to speak but I never went out to bad mouth her to anyone. These were all very strong but repressed feelings that boiled deep inside me for several months after the break-up and only came out to a very specific 1 or 2 persons in my deeply trusted inner circle. They mostly listened without judgement to let me get it out of my system. They know first hand that what my ex did was unmerited and the actions of the lowest value piece of human filth. So my anger was a combination of wanting to see her wrecked and a feeling of extreme bitterness at myself for not having seen these signs for all the time we were together. Honestly, thinking back now, I think my anger was mostly towards myself but it was always mixed with her.
Also, you’re absolutely right Zan when you say that these feelings can affect new relationships as I’ve pushed away several very attractive and good women without any remorse or hesitation because of that repressed anger. Ironically, that seemed to have attracted some of them even more lol but that’s another story.
The good news is these feelings do subside provided you genuinely make an effort to do so. I know my status and life are ions above that pos I wasted all these years on and while yes, these feelings still surface every once in a blue moon (it’s been almost a year now since the break-up) , they quickly dissipate. At the same time, someone that really cares about you will stick around and see past these outbursts as is with the case with this new girl I’m seeing as long as it’s not excessive of course.
To conclude, I’m always amazed at how you pick your blog topics Zan. It’s like you have a gift for reading people’s minds – it’s genuinely impressive bro.
Thank you as always š
Hi DK.
Your negative feelings for your ex will subside gradually over time. Just make sure to work on them so that your new partner doesn’t feel that you’re still fixated on your ex. It’s okay to talk about your ex every now and then (most people do), but don’t express intense hatred for her.
Show the new person that you got the short end of the stick and that you handled it well despite the difficulties you encountered. This will impress her more than telling her how bad a person your ex was.
Kind regards,
Zan
Iām with you on the human filth part! š and best wishes in your new relationship. This may be the first time in my life that I actually took the time to heal on my own without jumping into another relationship. Lol sad but true and awesome enough to say that Iām loving myself! Would be nice to meet someone that matches my standards though. Iām confident enough to know, that time will come when itās right! š
Never thought that even guys talk about they ex-s. Thank you for this article, will keep these on mind as a reference and see where a guy stands.
Always happy to read the new stories from you ā¤ļø
Hi Linda.
When people (men or women) talk about their exes in a very emotional manner, it’s a sign that they aren’t over them or over the pain their exes caused them. Remember so that you know what to do if you ever date a guy who’s fresh out of a relationship.
Best,
Zan