If you’ve been searching for information on how to deal with the breakup properly, you’ve probably come across information that told you not to break no contact. You’ve been advised that breaking no contact would have devastating consequences for you as it would give you tons of hope, hurt you, and make reconciliation much more difficult.
Ending no contact prematurely would show your ex that you have high expectations of him or her and that you lack the willpower to move on and live an independent life.
Instead of taking care of yourself and moving on, contacting your ex will make you look dependent on your ex and incapable of enjoying your life. In other words, it’s likely to irritate your ex and worsen his or her perception of you.
Dumpers need space after the breakup. If they don’t get it, they may feel pressured and treat their ex poorly. In their mind, they’re “allowed” to respond impatiently and disrespectfully because their ex wants something they don’t want to give. By asking dumpers for attention, affection, explanations, or support, dumpees give dumpers power and total control of the breakup.
Dumpers often abuse their power when their ex wants something from them. They show their true character and inability to handle difficult situations.
But what exactly does it mean to break no contact? Is no contact broken when the dumper reaches out and wants to catch up?
Technically, only the dumpee can break no contact. He or she can do it directly or indirectly by communicating with the dumper. Whether it’s through a call, email, text, or social media, it lets the dumper ex know you’ve made an effort to grab his or her attention.
Breaking no contact shows that your ex is still on your mind and that you want to hold on to him or her for safety and self-love.
No contact is broken when you contact your ex yourself or through friends and family. Anything that forces your ex to respond and interact with you is considered a breach of the rules of no contact. If it makes your ex respond and shows you need your ex more than he or she needs you, you should consider your post-breakup behavior a violation of the no contact rule.
You may be following a different type of no contact, but there’s only one rule that can help you recover emotionally and increase the odds of reconnecting with your ex. It’s called the indefinite no contact rule. All other rules are predetermined (have an end date), which means they’re bound to disappoint you unless your ex is on the verge of expressing regret and coming back.
But the likelihood of catching your ex during a moment of improved perception of you is small. It’s much more likely your ex hasn’t grown fond of you yet and needs more time to discover your worth. You should wait for your ex to contact you. That way, you can get your power back and decide if or how you want to get back together. When you’re in charge rather than your ex, you can tip the balance of power to your favor and encourage your ex to do/change certain things.
No contact demands no talking to the ex who dumped you. This includes no liking, tagging, sharing, sending gifts and letters, stalking, and any unsolicited behavior your ex could do without. During no contact, your ex must see that you’ve got your life under control and that you won’t do things that smother and annoy him or her.
If your ex sees that, your ex might contact you him/herself. It might just be a breadcrumb, but at least your ex will reach out to you rather than you reaching out to your ex. Your ex will show interest in talking and see you as an equal.
Your ex won’t consider you an equal if you break no contact and try to obtain something from your ex. Even if you just want friendship or closure, your ex will feel bothered and tempted to push you away by force. This will significantly lower your ex’s interest and respect and make it harder for you to reconnect later down the line.
Always remember that your main task as a dumpee is to adhere to no contact and look for ways to recover from the breakup. You’ll recover quicker if you avoid reaching out and putting your faith in your ex’s mood and response. Maybe your ex will respond politely and make you feel respected. It’s hard to tell what your ex will do.
What’s for certain though is that talking will give you a lot of new information you’ll be forced to analyze and learn how to use to your advantage.
Hence, it’s in your best interest to avoid breaking no contact and thinking about your ex obsessively. Consider no contact a rule you must follow at all costs while you’re hurting and eager to be with your ex. As long as you desire your ex’s closeness, no contact will remain your best friend as it will allow you to detach, grow, and regain your lost self-esteem and purpose in life.
Every day spent without your ex is a good day because you’re detoxing from your ex and learning to live for yourself.
So bear in mind that no contact will help you get through the breakup. It won’t do that overnight, but it will eventually lower your ex’s importance in your eyes and improve your self-love. When that happens, you’ll back glad you avoided breaking no contact and putting your ex in charge of your emotions and healing.
In this post, we discuss what it means to break no contact and why you should avoid it.
What does breaking no contact mean?
To break no contact means to get out of your way to interact with your ex, break the post-breakup silence, and disrupt your ex’s peace. When you let your ex know you’re still around, you pin your hopes on your ex’s response and let your ex say and do what he or she wants. You basically change or try to change the dynamics between you and your ex and let your ex reexperience the emotions he or she associated with you.
If your ex associated stress and anger with you, your ex will likely feel smothered and tempted to react angrily. This means your ex will choose to protect him/herself and try to get you to stop reaching out and asking for things he or she doesn’t want to give.
Your ex is the dumper and likely doesn’t care about your wants and needs. He or she broke up with you to avoid feeling unwanted emotions. If you bring those emotions back, your ex could feel overprioritized and victimized and deal with you forcefully. Considering you’re a dumpee, you probably aren’t ready for criticism and sharp remarks. You can’t handle seeing your ex treat you like a stranger or an enemy.
If you can’t handle it, it may be better not to evoke unpleasant memories and repressed feelings. Whether your goal is to reconcile, be friends, bury the hatchet, or talk for old times’ sake, you should aim to help your ex forget the unpleasant past and encourage independence. You can do this simply by leaving your ex alone.
Don’t fear being forgotten or replaced by another person. If you act on your fears, you’ll make breakup mistakes because you’ll expect too much too soon and come on too strong. Needless to say, your ex will find you demanding and needy and probably want nothing to do with you.
I can’t predict what your ex will do because I don’t know your ex personally. But if your ex is like most dumpers, your ex will get annoyed and retaliate. Most likely, your ex will tell you or show you that he or she isn’t ready to talk and that he or she wants to be left alone.
No contact exists for a reason. It’s meant to help you wean off your ex and learn your true value, not the value your ex showed you by dumping you.
The longer you commit to it, the clearer you’ll see things and the stronger you’ll become. So try not to doubt no contact too much. Think of it as the only self-imposed rule that really matters. If you stay in no contact long enough and actively work on yourself, you’ll start to realize that you don’t need your ex as much as you used to and that you wouldn’t go back to an ex just because it hurt your self-esteem.
A relationship requires much more than love to maintain. You must be able to communicate, effectively resolve problems, bond, and strive to achieve common goals. You’ll understand what your relationship was missing when you get some space from your ex and see your relationship from a better perspective.
For now, keep in mind that you’re in the process of healing and that you’ll make it more difficult if you break no contact. You won’t just hinder your healing and growth but also complicate the situation between you and your ex. That’s because you’ll make your ex focus on you when he or she needs space and wants to focus on other people and things.
Having said that, here’s what it means to break no contact.
On the other hand, breaking no contact does not mean responding to breadcrumbs. If your ex reaches out to you and you get back to your ex, it counts as a response rather than an initiation. That means you can reply to your ex, but in a way that prevents you from receiving unnecessary information, getting your hopes up, and delaying your recovery.
If your ex doesn’t have anything important to say, you should cut the conversation short and resume no contact. No contact doesn’t end when your ex breaks it for non-reconciliation purposes. It ends when you get back together or feel detached and want to be friends. That’s when you can interact with each other without triggering any pain.
Most exes can’t be friends because they bring back repressed feelings, but if friendship is something you want to try, do it when you’re over your ex and don’t care that he or she is dating again. If you don’t feel threatened by your ex’s new partner, you’re probably ready to break no contact.
Just remember that your ex’s new partner won’t be happy about it. They might argue and decide to shut you out of their lives.
What happens when you break no contact?
Breaking no contact isn’t fun. It’s dangerous because you can expect to see a side of your ex you’re not used to seeing. Your ex will probably show very little interest in talking and even less interest in being with you. There’s no reason to believe that reaching out would suddenly resolve your ex’s issues and reignite lost feelings Things bothered your ex for a long time before your ex lost feelings.
Just as your ex lost feelings gradually over time, you shouldn’t expect your ex to regain them the moment you reach out. Expect your ex to feel surprised, confused, and unsure about what to do. If you were your ex, you wouldn’t be thrilled to hear from an ex you left either, especially if you left that person recently. You’d likely wonder why your ex reached out and if he or she still has feelings and wants you back.
You’d be cautious of your ex’s expectations and remain guarded throughout the entire interaction.
It’s not any different with your dumper ex. Your ex broke up with you to avoid meeting your expectations and fulfilling your needs. He or she needs space and doesn’t want to talk to you. If you force your ex to talk, you could guilt-trip and frustrate your ex and bring out the worst in him or her.
The “worst” varies from person to person, but it will likely result in you getting hurt and feeling even more rejected and unwanted. It will make you more desperate for your ex’s love and affection.
Also, remember that your ex isn’t waiting for you to be the bigger person and reach out. If your ex wanted to talk to you badly enough, your ex would have contacted you already. He or she wouldn’t be too prideful (as some dumpees like to think). When dumpers want to reconnect with their ex romantically or non-romantically, they go above and beyond to get back in touch with their ex and get what they want.
They ask others for their ex’s number and social media if they have to.
Nothing stops them from reaching out and doing their best to get what’s best for them. So don’t concern yourself with breaking no contact and doing the work your ex is supposed to do. Instead of thinking it’s your job to reattract your ex, consider it your ex’s responsibility.
If you think it’s yours, you’ll reach out on your terms and get rejected and hurt.
Whether you want your ex back or move on, you should leave your ex alone and focus on yourself. Learn to love yourself so you don’t think about breaking no contact, pressuring your ex, and getting hurt in return. You must regain your composure and control of your life.
When you do, you’ll be glad you stayed in no contact even though every fiber in your body told you to break it.
What do you think breaking no contact means? Share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments below.
And if you want to learn more about the rules of no contact and the effects they have on dumpers, reach out to us. We offer coaching services to guide you through the process.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
