Long distance breaks up many couples. It especially breaks up those who intensely dislike the distance and doubt the relationship. When they loathe the distance and doubt their partner, they tend to disconnect emotionally and become hopeful about something or someone else.
Oftentimes, they already have a crush on someone else and want to monkey-branch to that person. The new (physically closer) person encourages them to forget about their complicated relationship and allows them to feel infatuated. He or she makes them feel only positive emotions and shows them what their life can look like.
That’s, of course, now what life looks like months later, but many people fall for the temptation anyway. They (emotionally) cheat and break up with their long-distance partner, thinking they’ll be happier long term.
Maybe you didn’t break up because you or your ex had someone new lined up, but don’t forget that long-distance takes a lot of work. It’s meant only for couples who understand that long-distance relationships require a strong relationship mentality and bonding. Those who aren’t keen on texting and calling (maintaining their relationship through the distance) shouldn’t enter them as they’re much more susceptible to external factors and likely to take them for granted and abandon them when things get old and hard.
And things get hard in every relationship. Some couples feel victimized and become bitter over time whereas others encounter temptations (to cheat), doubts, insecurities, depression, and fears. If couples don’t have a tight bond and value each other when difficulties arise, they leave as soon as they convince themselves that long-distance relationships aren’t for them.
They start to think their long-distance relationship doesn’t fulfill them and begin to plan their way out of the relationship. They like the idea of being single or with someone else as a life without their partner puts them in charge of their life and lets them think, feel, and do what they want.
So if you broke up because of long distance, ask yourself what the real reason for breaking up was. The distance itself didn’t make you run out of love and trust in the relationship. Yes, it made it harder for you to communicate and bond compared to normal (no distance) couples, but it didn’t leave you with no choice but to go your separate ways.
You were the ones who decided not to improve the bond and feel connected. You decided the relationship wasn’t working and worth investing in. The distance probably wasn’t going to be an issue forever. If you stayed committed and positive, you would have found a way around it. Someone would have moved (closer) to the other person and started a new life there.
The problem was that you weren’t willing to wait for the situation to change and the right time to move. You instead focused on things that weren’t working and made long-distance the scapegoat for your failures and unhappiness. You blamed the circumstances for the breakup instead of acknowledging that you stopped giving it your best.
As a couple, you stopped looking for solutions and expected the relationship to maintain itself. That, of course, couldn’t happen, so it got worse over time and reached a point where it became impossible to appreciate the good times and work through the bad ones. It made more sense to focus on other things and people who made you feel good and purposeful.
Other things and people distracted you from relationship problems and made you ignore the need to grow stronger as a couple. They made you think you deserved more than you got and that the distance was the problem. In reality, the distance had nothing to do with it. It merely put your communication skills, gratitude, and commitment to the test.
Physical distance doesn’t change couples into people they’re not. If anything, it reveals who they are and how they resolve problems. Do they tackle them head-on or do they self-victimize and stay away from them? There’s no better way to find out than to go long-distance for a while. The distance will reveal if your relationship has a shot long-term and if you have urgent things to work on.
I get that most couples prefer a no-distance relationship. They want the physical benefits of a romantic relationship (such as sex and doing things together) and not feel like they’re missing out on a real relationship. If they want what their friends and family have super badly, they feel pressured to change their relationship into a no-distance one or be with someone physically closer who can reach their romantic expectations.
They don’t want to stay in a directionless long-distance relationship that is unlikely to fulfill their wants and needs. That’s why they often lose faith over time and decide to terminate their long-distance relationship. They say it’s too difficult to maintain it from a distance and that it’s better not to stay committed.
For couples who despise long-distance, breaking up is inevitable. Sooner than later, they see the relationship isn’t giving them what they want and get tired of investing in each other. They think life is too short to waste on long-distance relationships and that they’ll be better off as friends.
Such couples should break up and free each other from commitment. Staying together would be a waste of time as it would delay the inevitable (the breakup) and make them both miserable.
Only committed couples should stay together (long-distance or not). They should keep working on themselves and looking for ways to keep the connection strong and meaningful. By staying determined and emotionally invested, they can grow their relationship and prevent factors outside their control from affecting their commitment and breaking them up.
In today’s post, we discuss why you broke up because of long distance and what you should do now whether you’re a dumpee or a dumper.
Did you break up because of long distance or a lack of closeness?
Ex-couples, especially dumpers (people ending the relationship) like to twist words and avoid responsibility. They like to claim the universe conspired against them and broke up their relationship. In their mind, unfortunate and unavoidable things unexpectedly happened to them and caused them to seek happiness outside of the relationship.
They refuse to accept the fact that they were responsible for maintaining the relationship and that they have no one to blame but themselves. Most breakups (long distance or not) are caused by just one person. They’re initiated by the dumper as the dumper loses the will to stay faithful and emotionally invested.
He or she focuses on the negative parts of the relationship and convinces himself or herself that he or she can get more out of life by breaking up with the dumpee. Such a person is certain the relationship is holding him or her back rather than making his or her life better.
He or she has no choice but to quit the relationship and be happy on his or her own.
What you need to know is that long-distance breakups seldom occur because of distance alone. For most couples, distance is a temporary problem rather than a relationship breaker. They make it into a dealbreaker because they don’t want to adapt to the dynamics created by the distance. They don’t want to stay in love and would rather throw the relationship away to be alone or with someone who can make their relationship wishes come true.
Very few long-distance couples break up because their situation is hopeless. They only think it’s hopeless because they lack blind faith and don’t want to compromise and do what it takes to eliminate the distance. Of course, every relationship is different. But I’ve seen enough of them to know that the majority of them fail because of poor communication, lack of bonding, detachment, and distractions.
Most long-distance relationships fail because couples don’t spend enough time talking, expressing gratitude, and planning their future. In simple terms, they take each other for granted and allow themselves to detach and fall out of love. They focus on different people and things and find them more attractive and valuable.
So if you broke up because of long distance, figure out why you couldn’t make the relationship work. What did your long-distance relationship lack that other couples’ relationships don’t? You should soon understand that you had everything you needed to make the relationship work. You just didn’t utilize the tools available to you because you stopped seeing each other’s romantic value and understanding what you brought to the table.
The relationship lost its momentum and purpose and made you crave a different life. One that wasn’t so complicated.
If you broke up because of long distance rather than lack of closeness, you broke up because something prevented you from joining your lives physically. Something like disapproving parents or inability to leave your old lives behind made it impossible for you to be together even though you loved each other.
But if you broke up because of a lack of closeness, then you broke up because you didn’t want to stay committed and change places for each other. You didn’t see the benefits of moving and changing your whole life for the sake of the relationship.
You simply liked where your lives were going and didn’t want to change them as much as moving places would require you to. You didn’t want to take any risks and end up out of your comfort zone.
Believe it or not, most failed long-distance couples fall into this category. They stop seeing each other because they don’t want to compromise and bond. Relationship and personal problems exhaust them and make it easier for them to disband the unfulfilling relationship. It becomes easier to run away from problems than to solve them.
That’s why they soon lose their patience and decide to look for different ways to be happy. Different ways involve spending time with other people, pursuing their hobbies, and even sitting at home, doing nothing with their life. It doesn’t matter what they do as long as they get to do it on their terms.
So bear in mind that for most long-distance couples, distance is just an excuse. The real reason for breaking up has something to do with their relationship mentality and lack of feelings and commitment. They lose these things because they think negatively about the relationship and positively about the breakup/someone else.
The wrong kind of thinking causes them to become okay with breaking up and taking care of their own wants and needs.
It’s not the distance that breaks them up but a lack of willpower. They think their partner is the issue, that they’re incompatible, or that the distance made them fall out of love. They’re forgetting that distance is just one of many factors that break couples up. A much bigger part of any breakup is a lack of knowledge or willpower to maintain a relationship.
Needless to say, couples who quit when things get tough aren’t ready to be in any relationship, not just a long-distance one. They must identify their reasons for quitting at the first sign of trouble and work on themselves before they even think about being in a committed relationship.
Having said that, here’s how you can tell if you broke up because of long distance or a lack of closeness.
What should I do if we broke up because of long distance?
If your ex broke up with you, there’s not much to do. Your ex showed you that he or she doesn’t feel the same way anymore and that he or she expects you to accept the breakup and let him or her go. Unless your ex told you what he or she wanted from you to be with you, you must give your ex space and treat the long-distance brakup as any other breakup.
Treat it as a relationship that failed due to a lack of willingness to bond and deal with relationship issues. Don’t blame the distance for the breakup and tell yourself the relationship would have lasted longer if there was no distance. It may have lasted longer, but it wouldn’t have survived other challenges.
The distance only highlighted the issues and sped up the demise of the relationship. It didn’t trigger the separation on its own.
So even if your ex is trying to make it look like he or she still loves you but can’t be with you because of physical distance, bear in mind that your ex doesn’t love you. It’s hard to read this, I know, but your ex cares a lot about the physical aspect of the relationship and doesn’t see the point in staying with you anymore. He or she wants something or someone more available to him or her.
Someone who spends time with your ex in person and validates him or her.
Whether you broke up because of long distance, no distance, or not enough distance, give your ex space and learn more about the dynamics of a long-distance relationship breakup. You mustn’t think that your ex will want to be with you if you express the wish to cut the distance and move in with your ex.
Since your ex broke up with you, it’s too late to make amends. It’s time to preserve your value as a dumpee and let your ex have it his or her way. You must let your ex be even if your ex starts dating another person. Leave your ex alone even if your ex gets into another long-distance relationship.
What your ex does after the breakup doesn’t matter. What matters is how you feel and what you do to process the breakup. If you feel sorry for yourself and do nothing with your time, you’re bound to stay brokenhearted for a long time. You’ll wonder why your ex broke up with you and if there’s anything you can do to undo the breakup.
Unfortunately, you can’t change your ex’s mind when your ex is convinced a (long-distance) relationship with you isn’t what he or she wants. You can only annoy your ex and make your ex glad he or she dumped you.
All you can do now is go no contact. Show your ex you accept his or her decision and that your life will get even better with or without the relationship. Your ex will like you and miss you more when you live with purpose and respect yourself and his/her decisions. He or she will think of you as a backup option when things go awry and trigger regret.
I’m not saying your ex will want you back for sure. But if you stay in no contact, you’ll avoid guilt-tripping your ex and making your ex push you away. You won’t look less attractive than when you got dumped.
Long-distance ex-couples require space just like normal ones. You need it to stop feeling rejected and hurt whereas your ex needs it to stop being reminded of how you feel and feeling forced to be with you. Space is necessary for both of you to recover.
It’s also necessary to get back together if your ex doesn’t find what he or she is looking for without you.
On the other hand, if you broke up with your ex and feel ready for friendship, you must let your ex process the breakup. Don’t contact your ex and ruin his or her recovery just because you’re curious and don’t want your ex to think you hate him or her. You can help your ex the most by keeping your distance and focusing on yourself.
That way, you’ll allow your ex to let go of hope and get used to not talking to you.
Can long-distance couples get back together?
Long-distance couples can get back together. They can realize they overestimated their capabilities, took the relationship for granted, and fell back in love. Dumpees already know they want to get back together. Most of them need about a year or so to detach—and are willing to wait to get back together.
Dumpers are the ones who need to have an epiphany. They need to encounter an issue they lack the tools to resolve without their ex. When that happens, they redevelop feelings for their ex and contact their ex. Sometimes they reach out indirectly and test the waters, but other times, they break the ice, catch up, and get straight to the point.
They say they regret leaving and that they want to get back together.
Anyway, dumpers need a powerful incentive to return. Something must go terribly wrong in their lives for them to engage in meaningful reflection and learn their ex’s importance. Usually, they must fail with another person and be forced to compare their failure with another person to the success with their ex. The contrast between the two people triggers their sentimentality and forces them to run back to their ex for closure and safety.
They come back when they’re in pain and don’t have a choice but to rely on their ex for various relationship benefits.
Until then, they appear happy and relieved and don’t care about their ex. They care only about their happiness and those who directly contribute to their happiness and success.
Don’t expect your long-distance ex to come running back for no reason. He or she might come back out of nowhere, but not for no reason. Reconciliations are nothing more than backup plans. They occur when dumpers run out of options and consider their ex the solution to their problems.
The good thing about long-distance breakups is that you get to keep your distance from your ex. You don’t know what your ex is up to unless you stalk your ex online or ask your mutual friends. That would be a huge breakup mistake as it would affect your health, confidence, and self-esteem.
It’s hard not to check up on your ex, but it’s super important not to. By not knowing what your ex is doing and who he or she is talking to, you’ll recover much faster than dumpees who talk to their ex and learn things about their ex they’re not supposed to learn. When it comes to breakups, ignorance is bliss. The less you know, the quicker you can expect to recover.
All in all, there’s always a chance that your long-distance ex will come back. If it happens, it will likely be when you feel better and don’t expect your ex to return. Coincidentally, that’s when you’ll also be the most prepared to start a new relationship with an ex who dumped you.
No matter what happens, keep your hopes low and you won’t be disappointed.
Did you break up because of long distance? What’s your reason for breaking up? Share your story in the comments area below the post. We’ll get back to you shortly.
And if you want a quicker and more thorough response, consider subscribing to our private coaching. We will look for causes and solutions together.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
