The Male Mind And The Psychology Behind The No Contact Rule

If your ex broke up with you and forced you to go no contact, your ex will go through certain no contact phases.

Initially, your ex will feel extremely relieved and in control of his life. He’ll feel like he’s on top of the world and that nothing and no one can make him regret leaving and focusing on himself. The emotions he feels when you go no contact and leave him to his own devices will remind him that he’s much happier now that he can finally work on his goals and ambitions.

He no longer needs to spend time and energy on a relationship that suffocates him and holds him back from achieving his full potential.

When he sees you’re gone, he’ll feel responsibility-free as he’ll be able to spend all his time with his friends, family, or even someone new. Nothing will hold him back from investing in things and people who make him feel positive feelings and distract him from the past.

Hence, your ex will appreciate the space you give. Not only will he enjoy no contact, but he’ll also respect you more for it. He’ll see that you’re not going to settle for friendship or pester him with your problems. No contact will let him do what he wants without constant reminders that you’re not happy and that you have expectations of him.

So bear in mind that your ex won’t miss you and think about you much when you first start no contact. It will be nearly impossible for him to miss you because he’s been wanting space and quiet for a long time.

He’ll miss you and crave your validation or support only if he’s depressed, lonely, scared, and going through something difficult. In that case, he’ll probably breadcrumb you and rely on you for emotional support. In other words, he’ll use you for personal gain and make you feel important and needed.

Once he’s had his space and fun (some dumpers go out a lot, drink, party, and date), he could become guilty, ashamed, and nostalgic. He could realize that the way he treated you wasn’t fair or that he completely ignored your pain and selfishly pursued his happiness.

Such a realization could compel him to check your online profiles, ask your friends about you, or directly reach out to you, apologize, and try to see how you’re doing. He could try to feed his curiosity, assuage his guilt, and make sure he can forgive himself for the pain and problem he’s caused you.

The male psychology during the no contact rule works in mysterious ways. Sometimes it makes dumpers contact dumpees and talk about unimportant matters for hours, whereas other times, it doesn’t even pique their interest. If they’ve met someone new and/or don’t feel guilty or curious about their abandoned ex, they continue to focus on themselves and their new lives.

They don’t care how their ex is doing because they’ve got a lot going on in their lives and don’t regret anything. It’s either too soon for them because they’re still empowered by the breakup or someone else or they’re not empathetic people, capable of reflecting and putting themselves in their ex’s shoes.

Whatever the case may be, most dumpers think about their ex from time to time. They don’t obsess over their ex and lose sleep over it like dumpees do, but they do think about their ex (especially when they’re not busy and happy) and fear their ex is doing better than them.

Those who understand and respect their ex’s need to heal leave their ex alone. But those who don’t understand that their ex is recovering from the breakup and going through a difficult time reach out and talk about random things that usually make things worse for the dumpee.

They talk about anything that seems relevant and sometimes even ask private questions, such as “Are you seeing anyone, do you miss me, what do you love the most about me?” Some indulge in nostalgia and say things that give their ex tons of hope.

Hope then blocks their ex’s detachment and self-improvement process and makes the dumpee want to be validated by the dumper.

So keep in mind that the male mind during the no contact rule can be affected by your absence. It can go from not wanting to be anywhere near you to being curious or even nostalgic about you. If things go really wrong for the dumper, the dumper can even contact you and want you back.

When that happens, he or she expresses love and regret and promises to do better.

The psychology behind the no contact rule is very straightforward. The longer you leave your ex alone, the more your ex will process the breakup and the more opportunities he will have to fail and want you back.

No contact isn’t a surefire way to get back together. But it is the best method for letting your ex cool off and think rationally. If your ex realizes he took you for granted and thought highly of himself, he could return to you for love, security, and validation purposes when the time is right.

Your ex could also come back, use you, and leave you, but that’s a topic for another time.

The point is that no contact gives the dumper time to experience freedom and appreciate your inner strength and lack of chasing. It makes you look more attractive and less dependent on the person who rejected you and triggered your separation anxiety.

That is just one of many components that positively impact the male mind during no contact. Another even important part of the no contact rule is what your ex experiences post-breakup. If he dates another person and fails, he’s much more likely to get hurt and reflect than someone who stays at home all the time and takes 0 risks.

A risk-taker could experience a loss of self-esteem and realize he was happier and safer with you and that he needs to get back with you to feel secure and heal in the quickest time possible.

Like it or not, reconciliations are dumpers’ backup plans and dumpees’ second chances. They happen because dumpees and dumpers have romantic feelings and want the same things from each other. When one of them (usually the dumper) doesn’t want to reconcile, you have a one-sided breakup and a situation where both parties must keep their distance from each other.

Dumpees must do no contact and dumpers must let their ex heal.

In this post, we discuss the male psychology behind the no contact rule and guide you through the dumper stages your ex may experience as a result of no contact.

The male mind and the psychology of the no contact rule

The male mind doesn’t operate much differently from the female mind during the no contact rule. Human psychology works similarly for both genders. Both genders need time to process the breakup, enjoy life for a while, and forget about their ex.

They then need to experience something unpleasant to engage in productive reflection and develop the desire to revisit the past.

The biggest difference between the genders is that the male mind tends to be more rational and can let go of the past quicker. The male mind forgets bad events and problems more easily than the female mind. That doesn’t mean time changes guys’ opinion of their ex, but that they can let go of old views and move past them if they choose to.

Conversely, studies show that females experience and express higher levels of fear and stress, which are the two main components of reflection and reconciliation.

The male mind can experience stress and fear unrelated to the breakup too. But the feeling that affects the dumper’s decision about the breakup the most is self-esteem.

And as you know, self-esteem varies for each person. Some people (men or women) have a better sense of personal value and self-worth than others. Their levels of self-worth usually depend on their childhood and traumatic experiences in life. If they grew up with controlling parents and feared their parents’ reactions, they’re prone to experiencing childhood issues and traumas in their romantic relationships.

Hence, reconciliations aren’t just about forgiveness, problems, and unwanted emotions. The dumper’s self-esteem and the ability to let go of the past and think positively about the dumpee are important too. The dumper must have some level of awareness and (emotional) maturity in order to get back with an ex he dumped.

He must consider the dumpee a reliable backup option and a quick path to inner peace and happiness.

While your ex is away from you, your ex will experience the psychological effects of no contact. At first, your ex will jump up and down in joy and feel relieved and elated. The breakup will provide your ex with space and freedom and urge your ex to say and do unprecedented things. But after a while, the novelty of the breakup and its effects will wean off and cause your ex to stop acting so relieved and excited.

It could take a few months, but eventually, your ex will abandon his new hobbies and activities or go easy on them. Your ex will revert to the person you knew before the breakup. Of course, not all dumpers go rogue after the breakup, but those who do slowly run out of steam and stop feeling unstoppable.

When that happens to your ex, your ex could start feeling nostalgic and bad for hurting you. Your ex could even reach out and breadcrumb you. It’s unlikely that your ex will want you back because of nostalgia and guilt, though. If your ex comes back because of such insignificant matters, your ex will likely leave again.

He or she won’t stay long because the reasons for coming back won’t make your ex fall back in love.

The male mind needs much more than a little bit of guilt, nostalgia, and curiosity to regret leaving. It usually needs something unpredictable and painful that incentivizes remorse and self-reflection.

If your ex gets hurt, sad, or depressed, your ex could run back to you and lean on you for support or love. You need to figure out what your ex wants when he reaches out so you don’t settle for less than you deserve. If your ex just wants to be friends and alleviate his guilt, but you want to get back together, you must reject your ex’s friendship offer and set some boundaries that keep your ex away from you and let you heal.

No contact is effective when you follow all the rules of no contact and respect yourself. It’s unlikely to work when you ignore the psychology behind no contact and act on your anxiety and desperation.

You may really want your ex back, but your ex won’t respect you if you break no contact repeatedly and post unattractive things on social media. Your ex will probably think you’re being desperate and that you don’t even have the capacity to love yourself, let alone another person.

So bear in mind that the no contact rule can work on a male’s mind. But for it to work, things must go south for the dumper and cause him to seek validation from a person who still respects and loves him. This can happen any time after the breakup. It has no time limit because failure and pain can occur at any time during no contact.

Expect your ex to need you when he processes things and discovers your romantic or non-romantic potential.

With that said, here’s the male psychology behind the no contact rule.

No contact rule can help you get back with your ex

The no contact rule can help you (not make you) get back with your ex. Provided you follow all its rules (not just the ones you like), it can give your ex enough time to explore other options (including romantic ones) and fail to the point of comparing his failures with others to his successes with you. If your ex discerns that life after the breakup wasn’t as good as life before the breakup, your ex could instantly abandon his pride and return to you.

His desire for love and self-love could motivate your ex to confide in you, apologize for leaving, and beg for forgiveness and another chance.

No contact could affect your ex emotionally and psychologically and show him that his best chances at finding true happiness are with you. For that to happen, though, your ex must run out of (romantic) options and consider you his savior. He must give up on looking for happiness elsewhere and redevelop romantic feelings and expectations.

You mustn’t ask for love the moment your ex becomes nostalgic and wonders if he’s made the right decision. Seeking your ex’s attention and affection prematurely could scare your ex away and make your ex avoid you or mistreat you. You must instead remain patient, trust the no contact process, and let your ex come to you.

Your ex knows where to find you. He doesn’t need you to make the job easier for him and reach out/ask to get back together. Your ex is aware of what he must do if he wants you back. He knows he must take the initiative and put a lot of effort into reconciliation. If he doesn’t put in the effort, his inactions show that he doesn’t regret leaving and want you back.

He’s happy with the way things are between you and him and wants his life to stay the way it is.

You need to stay away from your ex until he contacts you and expresses a desire to fix the broken trust. Keep your distance and work on yourself. Self-growth will help you keep your ex if he has a change of heart and you still want him back.

How do you think the male psychology affects the dumper during no contact? Post your observations below.

And if you wish to discuss your breakup with us, go to our coaching page to learn about our coaching services.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.