No matter why the breakup happened, silence is the most important part of the breakup. It’s the only thing that lets the dumper feel free to do what he wants whenever he wants.
Without silence, the dumper can’t get the space he or she needs to self-prioritize and enjoy life. The dumper will feel like he or she is still obligated to respond and care about the dumpee’s expectations and needs.
In return, the dumper will feel trapped and need even longer to process the negative emotions caused by the breakup. Typically, the lack of space and quiet frustrates the dumper to the point where he or she snaps at the dumpee and shows the dumpee he or she is done looking after others’ problems and needs.
Hence, silence is extremely important after a breakup. Not only does it respect the dumper’s need for space, but it also prevents the dumper from exploding at the dumpee and hurting his or her feelings and self-esteem. Silence can help the dumpee stay on the path to recovery, provided he or she resists the temptation to reach out and stays in no contact permanently.
Most dumpees experience overwhelming separation anxiety and pain. They want to know what their ex is doing and if their ex misses them even half as much as they miss their ex. This makes them check up on their ex and look for signs that their ex indeed thinks about them and misses the connection.
Although dumpees should avoid checking up on their ex, they occasionally cave into anxiety and curiosity and check up on their ex. They find new information about their ex and have no choice but to process it. I suppose it’s not as bad as contacting the dumper directly. Contact with the dumper breaches the rules of no contact and forces dumpees to put their expectations on their ex.
The more they expect their ex to talk to them and validate them, the bigger the chance that their ex doesn’t meet their needs or says something that destroys their reconciliation hope and healing.
That’s why silence after a breakup is essential. It’s the best gift you can give to an ex who abandoned you and decided to look for happiness elsewhere.
The power of silence after a breakup can influence your ex more positively than any word or action you can think of. Nothing you say or do can make your ex feel better and think better of you than the gift of silence (your absence).
When you go silent, your ex will appreciate your understanding of his or her feelings and need for space. He or she will respect you for it and consider you an emotionally strong individual who understands his or her tasks and worth as a dumpee.
So rest assured that silence is extremely important after a breakup. Both dumpees and dumpers need it to process the breakup in their (different) ways and learn if getting back together is something they want. Dumpees initially want to get back together. But that’s only because they feel rejected and hurt. When they get their confidence and self-esteem back, they take their rose-tinted glasses off and see their ex’s negative flaws and behaviors.
They see that their ex isn’t worth pursuing or waiting for and that they’ve got better things to do with their life.
Dumpers, on the other hand, already know their ex isn’t the right person for them. They knew it weeks or months before the breakup when they developed doubts and lost feelings. To them, silence is something they can’t live without as it gives them a chance to live their life on their terms and lets them deal with life challenges without the help of their ex.
If they can’t deal with them alone and can’t be as happy as they thought they would be, they learn their ex’s importance the hard way (through pain) and may come running back to their ex.
This depends on how they cope with problems and stress and what they think of their ex. If they still respect their ex and consider their ex an equal, they abandon their pride in an instant and ask their ex for another chance. They don’t hesitate because they need their ex more than ever.
If you don’t want your ex back, that’s okay too. Silence is just as important for dumpees who just want to detach from their ex and rebuild their self-love. They need time away from their ex to forget about their ex and reinforce their passion and zest for life. The longer they stay away from their ex, the stronger they feel without their ex.
At some point, they eliminate unwanted thoughts, romantic cravings, and fears and live independently of their ex.
Most dumpees can heal without getting space from their ex, but they heal significantly slower compared to dumpees who don’t stay in touch with their ex. This is because they’re constantly reminded of what they’ve lost and what they could have had if they hadn’t made mistakes. They tend to experience intrusive thoughts and feelings of self-blame and unworthiness for many months.
This requires additional time and effort to process and move on from.
So if you want to know about the importance of silence after a breakup, bear in mind that silence is everything. It speeds up your healing and gives your ex a chance to experience life without you.
Some refer to it as radio silence as your ex hears nothing from you. He or she hears nothing but crickets and wonders how and what you’re doing.
In today’s article, we discuss the importance of silence after a breakup. We focus on no contact and how this simple rule can improve breakup feelings for you and your ex.
Why is silence after a breakup key to recovery/reconciliation?
When your ex breaks up with you, your ex is full of negative emotions such as anger, resentment, suffocation, or guilt. Your ex feels emotionally burnt out and doesn’t want to talk and hang out. The time for hanging out has ended. He or she now needs space and time to focus on his or her own wants and needs.
Your life no longer concerns your ex. It stopped concerning your ex when your ex officially broke up with you and expressed the desire to go separate ways.
The breakup showed you that your ex’s feelings are gone and that his or her priorities have changed. Because they’ve changed, you have no choice but to do what’s best for you and cut your ex off. You must do that regardless of whether your ex hates you or likes you as a friend.
Even if your ex wants to be friends, you must get space and silence from your ex. A friendship offer from the dumper indicates that your ex has already processed most negative feelings and that your ex feels sorry for you and wants to give you the second-best thing he or she can give you. Unfortunately, the second best thing (friendship) doesn’t make you happy and isn’t what you want.
Not when you’re brokenhearted and see your ex romantically.
If you were to accept your ex’s friendship offer, you’d essentially settle for a friend zone and let your ex have the cake and eat it too. Your ex would assuage his or her guilt whereas you’d keep your hopes up and stay hungry for your ex’s validation. That wouldn’t be very fair.
It’d be unfair because your ex would benefit at your expense. Considering that he or she is the dumper, your ex would get just the right amount of space and not miss you at all. It’s impossible to miss someone who is available all the time.
The dumper can miss you mostly when he or she loses sight of you and loses control over your thoughts, feelings, and actions. That’s when the dumper can reflect on his or her losses and wonder if he or she has made the right decision.
So keep in mind that silence is good for you whether your ex wants to hold on to you as a friend or get rid of you as an ex. Voluntary silence from you sets healthy breakup boundaries and exudes high confidence and self-esteem. When your ex sees that you value yourself more than you value him or her, your ex will stop feeling pressured and guilt-tripped and think better of you.
Your ex won’t fall in love with you because of that alone, but your ex will respect you and perhaps even get curious about you at times. If you handle the breakup well (avoid breaking the silence, begging and pleading, and making your problems your ex’s problems), your ex will be able to redevelop love when life gets hard and makes your ex realize the value you added to his or her life.
If you want to get back with your ex when the time is right, you must do your best to preserve your value and portray yourself as an emotionally strong and confident individual. Your ex must think you’ve accepted the breakup and that your happiness and purpose in life don’t depend on his or her love and recognition.
When your ex thinks you’re happy and in full control of your life, your ex could contact you and express the desire to be a part of your romantic life again. To do that, though, your ex’s happiness will first have to take a toll and ruin his or her unrealistic expectations.
So know that post-breakup silence is extremely important. It can be the deciding factor in preserving your worth, reattracting an ex, and recovering from the breakup blues. Don’t wait too long before you go silent. The sooner you request/give space, the sooner you can expect positive results.
Having said that, here’s why it’s important to initiate complete silence after the breakup.
When will my silence affect my ex?
Your silence could hit your ex days after the breakup (if your ex is faking the breakup) or months/years later (if it’s a real breakup). When or if it affects your ex depends on things you can and can’t control.
The things you can control are:
- how you handle the breakup
- when you initiate no contact
- what you work on
- how you portray yourself in no contact
- how you respond to your ex’s provocations, happiness, and breadcrumbs
If you get emotional and beg your ex to think about the good times, your silence afterward will be much less effective because you’ll put immense pressure on your ex and show your ex you both want different things and that it’s not safe to talk to you.
Although you don’t want your ex to talk to you about non-relationship matters, you don’t want your ex to stay away from you due to the fear of receiving an unwanted response. You want your ex to keep his or her distance out of respect for your boundaries and healing. If your ex sees and knows you want space to move forward with your life, your ex will think better of you than if you part ways on negative (begging) terms.
There are some things, however, that you can’t control. These things are perhaps even more important than the things you can control. Because of these things, your ex may not engage in reflection, discover your worth, and regret leaving.
The things you can’t control as a dumpee are:
- what your ex is like as a person
- how your ex perceives you
- who your ex talks to and gets influenced by
- when or if your ex encounters problems
- how your ex copes with problems
- whether your ex is the type of person to go back to ex-partners
You also can’t control the things that have already happened. You can apologize for your mistakes in the past, but it may not be enough to get on your ex’s good side. This is especially true if you cheated or hit your ex. Such behaviors destroy trust instantaneously and make it extremely difficult to rebuild it.
When trust can be rebuilt, it’s because cheatees (those who are cheated on) have low self-esteem and/or think their ex can change and give them the love they deserve. Sadly, such people can be a bit naive and often get the same kind of treatment months later. They get hurt again and realize that their ex was unwilling or unable to grow.
Anyway, a lot of things will have to go wrong in your ex’s life to reconsider his or her decision to leave. Something or someone will have to show your ex that your ex isn’t capable of being happy and that he or she isn’t the most desired person on the planet. When that happens, your ex will lower his or her ego and pride and find you much more attractive.
It could take years or decades for your ex to encounter an issue big enough to reflect and change his or her opinion of you and him/herself.
It’s hard to predict when exactly your ex will have an epiphany. All you can do is continue to stay silent and focus on yourself. If your ex learns the things he or she needs to learn, your ex will contact you. You won’t have to reach out to your ex yourself and make sure your ex knows you’re still available and willing to get back together.
So learn about the importance of silence after a breakup and give your ex all the space in the world. Space will demonstrate that you understand and respect your ex’s feelings and that you won’t directly or indirectly ask for anything your ex isn’t ready to give.
When your ex processes negative breakup emotions, your ex could become curious, check up on you, and want to be friends. However, if your ex fails in some important way and becomes sad and regretful, your ex could want you back to fulfill his or her romantic needs.
Either way, you need to stay patient and let your ex come to you.
Do you realize the importance of silence after a breakup? Why do you think silence is needed? Comment below and let us know.
However, if you’d like to share your breakup story with us, reach out to us—and together we’ll devise a breakup plan suited to your specific situation.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
