The success of the no contact rule in general means that you get contacted by your ex-partner and not necessarily get him or her back.
To get your ex back, you have to efficiently re-open the channels of communication, showcase change, and re-attract your ex back. These three things have nothing to do with no contact’s success rate.
To pull off the no contact rule successfully, you have to give your ex enough time to think about you and contact you once he or she has reassessed your past relationship.
In this article, we’ll talk about the no contact rule’s success rate.
No contact rule success rate
The success rate of no contact is dependent on:
- Post-breakup mistakes
- Your accomplishments after the breakup
- The regret of your ex for leaving and treating you badly. Your ex is also afraid to give up the power that he or she has kept for so long. Doing so would admit being partly wrong, and give you unnecessary hope if there was a lot of begging post-breakup.
- The mental state of your ex, affected by the challenges he or she faces. The more pain your ex experiences, the higher the odds of getting contacted.
If you consider the requirements above, you will notice that 2/4 (the points marked in red) are the things that your ex must process on his or her own.
You have no control over those things, no matter how much effort you put in. If the no contact rule success rate formula existed, it would look like this.
NO CONTACT RULE SUCCESS RATE = TIME + DISTANCE + PERSONAL SUCCESS + MENTAL STATE + FORGIVENESS + GUILT
These are the factors influencing your ex’s decision to reach out. Imagine each and every one of these elements strongly contributing to your ex’s decision to contact you.
You have to play your part right to maximize the chances of him or her reaching out.
And you can do this by reducing your post-breakup mistakes and entering the indefinite no contact rule.
You have to pave the road to success for yourself, your ex, and reconciliation.
The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.
Leo Tolstoy
Indefinite no contact’s success rate is higher than 90% when executed diligently and thoroughly.
Self-respect holds incredible power behind it, which is why it almost always works.
But unfortunately, the other 10% of the time it doesn’t work when your ex completely destroys your value on purpose through self-sabotage or when he or she moves on with someone else in a narcissistic, conceited way.
If that’s the case, I suppose you’re truly better off without this person as it wasn’t going to work out anyway.
Why is the success rate of the no contact rule so high?
Don’t get me wrong. There are cases in which the no contact rule is not strongly applicable.
NC does not work in certain situations, so those specific cases require a different approach. To be honest, even those difficult cases can sometimes be solved by going silent.
No contact rule is almost a universal, fix-it-all kind of remedy.
Sometimes a 30-day no contact rule will suffice, but most of the time it will take way longer than that.
When the dumper says he doesn’t want to be with you, he doesn’t want to downgrade to just being friends.
Many times he wants you gone completely, so make his wish come true. If you just listen to what he or she wants, you will know exactly what to say and do when you get dumped.
I begged and pleaded a lot post-breakup. Is it too late to go no contact?
It’s like asking me if it’s too late to get a job after being jobless for 10 years. It’s never “too late” to go no contact.
Staying in contact with your ex prolongs the time it could take to reconcile.
Since you destroyed your self-esteem and your value to this person, it takes a while longer to regain it.
Luckily the no contact rule is there for you to save face.
The success rate of the indefinite no contact rule goes down the more you beg, so I encourage everyone to do it as soon as possible.
Sometimes I’ve seen dumpers contact dumpees even after they have obliterated their self-respect completely.
To be fair, this worked in over 99% of all cases where the dumpees have completely given up on the dumper and stopped reaching out. In those cases, the dumper reached out for ego purposes, expecting to refill his validation tank.
Some dumpees went back to their exes, while others turned the tables on their ex dumpers, and became the dumpers themselves.
Almost everyone begs after the breakup, as dumpees are biologically inclined to do so.
We always want what we can’t have. The reason for that is hurt ego, low self-esteem, the challenge and the release of dopamine to finish a task successfully.
These reasons combined make it hard for the dumpees to let go of that which no longer serves them.
Do guys dumpers reach out more than girls?
Whilst it’s true that male dumpers contact their exes specifically for sexual purposes a lot more often than women do, it’s safe to say that girls have different plans.
In the world of fashion, design and perfect-looking models, women tend to reach out more for validation purposes.
They feel the need to be desired and admired, so they contact their exes to see if dumpees can increase their ego.
From my personal experience, men tend to be more stubborn, and have higher egos.
They will go to great lengths to justify their reasons for breaking up and avoid contacting their ex. Fortunately, their egos are not unbreakable, so they will often reach out when they are in pain.
Do you have a no contact story to share or a question to ask? Please leave a comment below.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
Hi I would love to here what happened here I feel like my situation is similar to yours.
Hi Zan,
My boyfriend and I broke up 1 week ago after dating for 8 months. We could both see a long term future together and talked about marriage and children. However I noticed last month that he started to pull away out of the blue and I was the one initiating hanging out. I told him that it was bothering me and he told me that he started to get very stressed about our future and wanted to talk about it. The day we broke up he told me that I was the most amazing girl he had ever met and that I was his best friend. However he said that he could not make it a priority to see me right now because of his crazy work schedule and was anxious about the possibility that I may move away for school next year and is terrified of doing distance. Additionally he was scared that some of our political differences could cause us to fight in the future. I was upset and tried to reassure him that those were not things to worry about, but I did not beg. I want him to have his space so I haven’t contacted him, but I think he acted a lot out of fear instead of talking out his concerns with me and I want to fix that. Should I continue no contact and focus on myself or should I try and fix things with this amazing guy?
Hi! I’m in a similar situation. He was thinking about me as a longterm relationship but he broke up with me due to we are from different countries and he was afraid I was going to leave in a few years, but we never talked seriously about that. It’s been a week since he ended it but I am thinking about texting him. Actually he told me that he was going to text me, as he still wants me in his life.
Could you please post an update about what happened in your situation?
My story is very weird. I do not know who is the dumper and the dumpee ?me or him ? We started very happy couple, laughing all the time. I got good morning text every morning and talking for at least a half and hour at bedtime beside that taking a lot during the day. He was insisting to see me every day but I could not cause I have long hours to work , but I could see him on weekends and we did for around 4 weekends . We had a little bit of argument from my side cause he stopped asking to see me for 2 weekends and thanksgiving in between ( he is a student from different country so he has no family here but boyfriends that he hang out with them on thanksgiving) and I do not have family near me too. Another day we had a little argument about jealousy from my side but we talked very good next day and I did apologized and he said he does not even want to mention anything about it and he is Ok still sent me a lot love message the 3 days after these fights . All the sudden I found him down and texted me less with no romance and short so in few days I asked him if he is ok he said yes but he is busy studying and keep his phone away . I respected this and I am a kind of person if he does not text me , I rarely initiated it. So I replied him only when he text me . And his text volume and quality goes down day after day and my gut was telling me it’s something personal about me. So I called him 3-4 days later after long time he did not text during the day which is weird for him . I asked him if he is ok or need a help in his study or anything . And I asked him if something I did made him mad, he said no no no it’s not you . I even did not talk to my boyfriends next door . I said as long as you are ok then I let you go study now . He said ok . The next morning I found a message from him telling me he is leaving to another State for 2 days (weekends) which is around 4-5 hours driving from ours to goodbye his boyfriends that leaving USA for good to his own country . So it’s not for good cause he will go back to his country anyway. He always telling me he does not have a close boyfriend and I am the closest one . I was thinking to myself if he has 2 days time to have fun with guys , why he did not ask me for date for 2 weeks and thanksgiving? Why is he stress over time of his study when it comes to talk to me ? Why did he change from a person who is laughing all the time or saying romance to me to a just words like how are you ? Have you eat good ? Have sleep good ? Goodnight and that is all. If he is mad at me or if he is done with me or if he wants a break why did not he tell me that although I asked him 3 times if his issue about me and he kept saying no no no it’s his study . I was just saying let me just help him making that decision and that will help me release the stress and text him that :
I am sorry to say this but I think you are the best person but not for me . I want someone to stay beside me all the time not leaving me the way you did . It has been 2 weeks since our last date and you know I already booked for vacation next week before I knew you so I can’t cancel it now but you know I won’t see you next week . The person who has a time to drive 10 hours both ways and spend 2 days with his boyfriend, does not have time to talk a little bit to the girl that he said she is everything for him? And try to see her at least an hour ? You changed so quickly and I could understand it’s your study as you mentioned. But you are having 2 days time off and ok not to think about your study . You could just tell me what is going on rather than put it on study stress. I think I should look for person who stay with me not leaving me and you will get another girl even better than me cause you are a good person .
I meant to end up with him cause I felt that what he wants and did not have the courage to say so I made it easy for him . I unfriended him through Snapchat so I do not have to see his stories or I do not feel weak and answer him back if he replied anything. So 6 days not contact I friended him again when I arrived to my destination on my vacation. Cause I thought unfriend him will relief me but it made me miss him more and more . I found he sent me a message telling me how are you The night I broke up with him and I just got the message so I replied back 6 days after that message telling him I am fine and you ? He answered with voice message telling me :
Welcome back angry girl , the girl who left us and forget about us . I answered back as text that I am not angry , I just left you alone . Then we started taking back and forth about my vacation and he was telling me to enjoy and then telling me the places I could go there and have fun . I was so happy and I felt he was too. We said goodnight as we used to say and in the morning he said good morning like he used to say . Then he went through silence again so I thought it’s his study again . But he stopped texted me at once , though he is on his phone cause he is checking my photos on snap very frequently but not talking to me . So I started talking a little bit . he had nothing to say just have fun . I left him alone for few days until his birthday so I gave him a very good wishes and he replied me right away by sending me ❤️ ❤️ . I sent him a flower icon and cake . He was just so nice that morning but in the evening, he posted on his a snap his birthday party and the way he was showing like just the decorations looks like everything is for 2 person , him and someone else. Then another video showing him opening a gift and saying this is a private so the video cut off before opening the gift . I sent him a comment telling him happy birthday again , is this a romantic birthday? He answered me half an hour by voicemail while he turning his car on saying :
Some people insisted me to go so I went for an hour and I am back to study . I said that was not my question. He said back some people invited me . So I told him I wish you had fun and goodnight . Later I was thinking it’s his boyfriends making his birthday and he is just want me to get jealous . Cause if it was a romantic birthday with old or new gf , will he really go for an hour only and leave her without spending the whole night with her ? We did not talk the next day but he was watching my snaps I was having fun there and do not care . And the day after , I went back to my house and he saw my snap saying I miss my home , he snap me welcome back , I said thank you then decide to be in No contact . I am not talking to him for 3 days now not putting anything on my social media , not viewing his snap at all . Any chance he will get back to the fun person I knew ? By the way he is done with the course so he is in break now.
Is he called Ahmad?
My girlfriend and I broke up rough 10 days ago. This came after two minor situations; one was a bad joke I made, which I owned up to and expressed regret, and the other was a conversation we weren’t seeing eye-to-eye to. The relationship (from my viewpoint) was beautiful, effortless, and we always laughed and shared a lot in common.
We met before Covid, in early January, and we basically spent every weekend together since. In early July, we took a trip to Maine, and she told me she loved me. 10 days later, she said she needed a break, and needed to see a psychologist (she was physically abused by her ex-boyfriend, and has post-traumatic syndrome).
While I am empathetic, having gone through my own sets of life difficulties, relationships are about going through bad times together. After my divorce, it is very important to find someone who will communicate and fight for the relationship, and not run away.
I told her that I support her decision to get help…and that there are two decisions. The first is what she suggested: a break. And the second is that I can support her through these times, as her lover and boyfriend. I told her that I was not at her beck-and-call, where she could come and leave as she wishes.
She wanted her cake and eat it too. She was very unhappy..basically wanted to place me in friend zone. After a few days, after telling her my terms (as she laid out her unfavorable terms to me), I asked her politely not to contact me for platonic things….that, if this was her decision, to allow me to recover and move on. She then got passive aggressive and started on a rant about things she loved and didn’t love about the relationship.
I sent her my love and best wishes, and told her that “if she has a change of heart, to contact me”. It is has been around 6 days since that conversation.
I love this woman…and I feel awful for her traumatic past with her ex-husband…but we all face traumas and obstacles in life and throughout our relationships, and I simply cannot enable or allow my “now ex” to come and go as she wishes.
Things seemed so great…the intimacy…connection…interest…laughs….I don’t think these things can be faked….although, now I see there are underlying issues she never brought up.
Am I being unreasonable, and is there a chance she will come back (she was spending a lot of time with a few friends that particular week, and I feel like her friends had influence in this decision)
I am going through a very similar situation where the trauma of a prior relationship has scarred my “now ex.” She also wanted to have her cake and eat it too. They will not be able to fully love us until they love themselves. My plan is to do an indefinite no contact rule as the personal healing she needs will take significant time. I’d love to hear updates on your story.
Hi, me and my boyfriend broke up 1 month ago. We have been together for 3 months only. We both are Asian. At first, he requested want to take a break. I have agreed but after a day I felt regret, I told him I don’t want to take a break. I texted and call him to ask for a meet but he refused. I felt sad and texted him and called him after few days. He replied my message and said that he felt that we are not the right pair and wanted to take a time off. He will still be my friend if I wanted him to be. I begged him and hope that he can give me a second chance. He said can I give me space to think? I replied him with a long messages. He didn’t reply me. I said sorry to him the next day, and said that I will respect his decision and I hope we can still be friend. He said “okay”. We didn’t contact him for a week. I found that he has deleted my phone number as I’m no longer able to see his profile picture via WhatsApp. I panic and use my another phone number to check it. I have accidentally gave him a missed call. He returned my call and I have answered. I told him I have accidentally call him, he said okay and bye in a second. I sent him message to say sorry and sorry that I have been emotional for last 2 weeks and hope we can still be friend and lastly i wish him Happy Lunar New Year. He replies me “Happy New Year” with smiling face. I have re-start no contact again. I still love him and hope that we can get back together. Do you think that my ex still loves me? And how can I get him back?
Lu Mun
he is done with you. plase tell me what happened to you??
I have started the no Contact due to break up on a relationship that lasted 14 month’s and we have a ton of fun and grew extremely close over that time .. She said at the beginning she was not wanting to get serious but it ended up that way ..I felt change in her a few weeks ago maybe over the last month and it came to a head 10 days ago with her telling me I changed but she went on to question my integrity by telling me she always hated when I ask how her day was which keep in mind was everyday!!! and projected more on me then laughing about it …. She showed her true colors of low self esteem and insurgencies to me as I stayed silent …I as a person deserve better and yes it stings But true character always comes out … Stay true to who you are PERIOD !!! She threw breadcrumbs at me on Sunday in facebook messenger by sending photos from market place of beds and bed frames for My daughter with no words behind it … did not respond and found out she is back on tinder!!! Best of luck to her and the next guy and Guys …
My girlfriend dumped me in November after a strange fight, which was followed after 8 Months of relationship and often fighting, due to jealousy issues, mostly from my side.
We are working together, on the same floor, so it’s hard to avoid her and apply the No contact rule.
The whole package was done, I begged her, told her I change, I actually went to a psychologist,I went too many time to her house to try to talk to her in private, she said she does not want to suffer anymore so for her own well being she will never come back nor let me into her life again, saying that if we get back together I will be good for a while and return to being extra jealous and controlling, so I admitted my every wrongs and she said she was impressed and admitted believing that I changed but cannot come back since she is in her own Bubble right now.
So the dumb thing I did the next morning was to go to her house with flower and ask her to come out to talk and to give her a flower. Dumb right ? I should have left her alone since she was actually thinking I had really changed.
So she asked me, implored me to leave her alone, so I told her to block me, so she did.
Now we only say Hello at work.
So what to do next ? Since she is bragging to everyone how happy she is alone, that she is not mad on her ex, she loves now that she can sleep peacefully and pretty much looks very happy and hugs people.
Hi! Wow never did I think I would find myself posting somewhere on a website like this… My boyfriend of a little of 13 months and I broke up about two weeks ago (so yes, very fresh!). Since then we have talked, and I’ve expressed to him that I think he may need professional help because I had been noticing signs of depression in the last few months of the relationship. When we broke up, he told me it was because he wants to be single and wants to just not have to care about anyone else (this is extremely unlike him, which is why I started thinking back to any weird behaviour). My suspicion is that his depression is making it hard on him to feel as though he can be a good boyfriend. As frustrating as it is, I know I have to just let him do his own thing. I’m trying to be there for him, as he has recently lot both his grandfather and his aunt, but I will admit that some part of me is selfishly hoping that he will come around soon and change his mind about the relationship. I don’t need him to be perfect at such as time. I just want to be able to support him and love him the way I had been the last year. I have no idea where I went wrong, but he doesn’t want to give it a shot after he feels “okay” again in a few months, years, however long that takes. I’m not saying I am going to wait for him, but I will admit that when he is ready, I almost want to be single (yikes, I know). We were best friends and did so much together. We will be in a few classes together at university next semester and many of our friends overlap. Leading into the breakup, we had talked just the week before about how we didn’t want for this to ever have to end… It just seemed like such an abrupt decision and so I’m just at a loss as to what silver linings to hold onto and such.
My boyfriend and I broke up recently after 2.5 years of dating. We talked a lot post breakup and even read “the 5 love languages” on our own while we were apart and we discovered that we weren’t speaking each other’s languages and showing love the way the other wants to receive it. We would never fight, never lied, we truly were very connected but our communication was off. At first I begged for us to try but he said he needs to figure himself out and that he’s not in the right headspace so he knows if we get back together too soon that he’ll destroy any chance because of that. We’ve both decided that right now no contact is best. Obviously I don’t want this but I do want what’s best for him I’m just wondering what you think the chances of reconciliation might be or if you have any advice for us?
me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. we have a 1 year old together and i am currently 12 weeks pregnant by him. I have a 7 year old from my previous marriage. My ex husband never calls his son he is scarcely involved I only see him a few times a year a custody exchanges so really it’s just my boyfriend and i and the kids. my boyfriend was detained by immigration for 6 months. i paid thousands for 2 attorneys for him, sent him mail regularly and books, i paid for our rent every month even though i was not living there – the kids and i went to my parents because i needed childcare while i worked my butt off-, i spent almost $7,000 just in phone minutes for those 6 months. My boyfriend won his case and was freed and obtained a green card and a social. I took care of him for a month after that until he started working including buying him clothes. He started treating me bad. when he would get mad he would lose control and tell me “F*** you, you wanna be a bi***” infront of the kids. All he does is complain about my older son every single day and expects perfection from him, he acts like i’m bothering him when i call or text him, he looses patience with me, he complains that i’m not meeting his needs instead of understanding how sick i am with this pregnancy, he blames me for everything when he is mad, gets loud and shouts at me outside, He literally walked to the road to check if there was traffic when i was running behind on my way home and he has emptied air from my tires to prove a point in the past. i have given him chances because i know some people have to learn how to deal with a relationship but after everything i have done for him…. i ended up leaving with the kids to my parents which i have done about 4 times before and i am doing no contact right now. Before i always gave in and came home in 3-4 days but i realize nothing is changing. I do love him and i left so he can appreciate me and hopefully change but i know chances of that are slim. At what point should i reply to him if he reaches out to me (not concerning the children)? How much time should i give him this time?
Meranda, the question is not how much time you should give him. I think you’ve already given him too much time, attention, patience and love to be honest with you. The question is how much time should you give yourself. At this point you need distance to get some clarity and detachment. I think two months will do the trick for you. During and after this period of no contact you will be in a much healthier and stronger place to make decisions. Listen if any amount of time apart, makes the relationship fall apart, then it wasn’t much of a bond to begin with. Best of luck and take care.
Hi Zan.
My girlfriend and I broke up a few days ago and had been dating for 2.5 years. We are both young (18) but we’re the type of relationship neither of us thought was going to end. Told eachother everything, did everything together, best friends and sexual partners. We had gone on break twice the months leading up to the break up as she was saying she didn’t feel the lust. Today, she blocked me on snapchat, but still wears all the rings I gave her and has my photos in her room (according to friends). She also didn’t block me on Instagram or facebook, only on Snapchat, where I had been posting. I’m going into no contact. But she has been in a bad place for awhile where she wasn’t sure about multiple aspects of her life such as work, uni and her other friends, she only really had me. A few days before the break up, we just had come off a ‘break’ and she came over slept with me and then as she left said she wanted a big hug (shows affection right?). She then told me a day or two before the break up she wants me to stick by her as she works on her life, but then broke up with me. Both times on the break I went into no contact and she contacted me saying she missed me, being flirty and loved me. I don’t know what to think now, I want to hold on to her and willing to work things out, but being blocked hurt me. Please give me your thoughts.
Hi
I’ve read many articles on the no contact rule and have followed it. My boyfriend and I just broke up on Monday….well he did in a text stating he’s moving on because he needs to take time time to figure out his stressors and get out of his funk. Before this I thought we were great and building a future together it just came out of nowhere. I am probably still in the grieving stage which is okay, but does it really work. I’ve read so many different opinions, but legitimately you are the only one that has even mentioned people just wanting to make money on certain advice and that takes honesty. I guess I’m just at a huge loss and don’t know what to do. We were only together for 8 months but I expected at our age he would have done the break up face to face and not through a text
I am literally going through the exact same thing. My ex didn’t even break up with me, he just asked for space due to stress but never contacted me again. This happened about 2 months ago now, I’m currently in no contact and have been for about 5 weeks. I can already sense a gut feeling of him missing me as we did have a great relationship and the break up came out of absolutely nowhere. I’m waiting until May to reach out to him again, which may see like a long time but I think it’s worth it. So don’t worry, it gets easier. My man couldn’t even break up with me on text or face to face, men are very weird. I’m sure he will reach out to you after no contact!
Hi Brandi.
Many dumpers are too afraid to face the other person so they prefer to do it the cowardly way. Text seems to be the easiest way as they don’t have to “deal” with the consequences. I know it must hurt a lot to lose someone you love — especially so abruptly.
Unfortunately no-contact is your best choice. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, so sticking around and hoping he will change his mind sounds crazy. If you try to force him to get back together, you could see a really ugly side to him.
NC will help:
– Your ex realize what he wants
– you move on successfully without hurting your self-esteem
8 months or 10 years, it’s pretty much the universal rule for getting your life back together — whether he comes back or not. It’s time you start putting it behind you, and focus hard on yourself. You don’t want to waste your precious time on those who leave. Instead, spend time with the ones that stay.
The no-contact rule has not helped every dumper come back. However, it has helped all dumpees keep their pride and help them move on with their lives.
Best regards,
Zan
I and my ex had been together for 3 years and we had passed a lot of hard and stress situations together. My ex emotionally cheated on me but I physically cheated on my ex and he broke up with me for 2-3 months without saying and explanation. He got a new girlfriend right away after he found that I cheated on him. I’m completely guilty about what i did so I sent him the letter and begged him to come back and give me a chance. I have been in NC for 1 month but he didn’t reach out at all. Also, before NC started, he told me that he’s with someone, falling in love with her in a month, he doesn’t care about me anymore and the only one thing we can talk is about the assets we shared. I decided to block all his contacts.
We have a friend in common so when a friend asked him about me, he just answered that he didn’t want to talk about me and give me the false hope, it’s done. Then, he told a friend about how amazing the new girlfriend is and he feels fresher with her. He introduced her to everyone around him. I also think that this rebound is getting serious.
We also dropped the criminal case to the court and I’m the witness for this case. I will still need to see him at the court and I don’t know what I should talk or say to him.
Is there something else I can do? Also, I wonder that if I leave him alone, he will erase me forever because he seems to be into a new girlfriend too fast. Isn’t there really anything left in his feelings anymore l?
Hi CK.
This is a tough one because I feel you have both exhausted the relationship to its maximum. Cheating on both sides is tough to work with in a monogamous relationship. There were big, big issues for both of you to commit this act of infidelity. From the third perspective it doesn’t matter who cheated first. What matters is why the cheating occured and if it can be fixed. Cheating is in essence a lack of commitment – whether it’s physical or emotional. I would strongly advise you to leave your past relationship in its ruins. Fixing it and making it work is going to be unbelievably difficult. Not only do you need to convince your ex bf to give it another go, but you must also build a completely new foundation with this person. Doing that is incredibly hard. This is especially true when he isn’t willing to give you that chance.
Your ex feels fresher with this person. He doesn’t have a dark history, holding him back. Starting anew is a million times easier than fixing something so broken.
You are going to hear amazing things about her, so it’s best you distance yourself and unfollow him.
When you see him, be concise. There’s nothing to talk about. “Hey, how are you? I’m good. I hope you’re well. Bye.”
There are two ways you can go about this:
1) You can contact him, annoy him and get yourself blocked and mocked in return.
2) Let him live his life while you live yours, and allow him to reach out to you first when he is ready.
You are not in a very powerful position. He is choosing to move on, and you must do the same to respect his decision. He has to forget about you right now, so that when he is ready, he can have a fresh start with you. Most people aren’t very forgiving, so don’t get your hopes up. Human beings have a hard time looking at people in different light. I can only hope your ex is different. He wants to be with a new person, so his feelings are obviously elsewhere. You can’t force him to feel more for you. You didn’t force it when you first met him. He has to go through life lessons and come back on his own. If he doesn’t, it’s honestly much better for the both of you.
Best regards,
Zan
Hi! My ex was taking me for granite and pulling away really bad the last few weeks of our relationship. I felt I couldn’t communicate that this was bothering me and talk it out bc be is very not open to talking about his feelings. Which sucks but that is what happened. I also thought that talking this out would make me appear more insecure. So i sent him a text saying , “Hey ,no worries. I sense some confusion from you which is cool but I’m going to take some space bc I don’t want to get closer to someone who isn’t sure what they want”. Then I immediately went into no contact. It is now 31 days in and he hasn’t said a word. Is there a chance of his attraction going back up for me and him reaching out? I feel like it’s up to him to reach out and show me he cares. We had a very intense, sweet, loving v sexually exciting 4 month realtionship. Do I have a chance? I am 31 days in and this is difficult! 🙁 Going on pure faith right now. I don’t know what to do or if I did the right thing.
Also I do not know if this is relevant but over the past week he has gone and looked at two unread messages from me ( one on Gchat and one on FB) that I had sent a week or two before I sent my final text. We took turns communicating on diff platforms , diff convos. Towards the end it was only text. Anyway, why is he just now reading the two messages( a month into NC)? Is he getting a bit curious about me and why I’m not reaching out or am I just being pathetic reaching for any hope here ? 🙁 Feeling sad. I have moments of happieness and moments of sadness. Emotions all over the place. Any help would be so appreciated. I have no one to give me advice about this.
Hi Madeline.
What you had was a short term relationship with this person. Since your relationship didn’t last too long, it could be that you were his rebound, he was talking to other girls, felt trapped, started talking to his ex, got distracted with friends. If it seemed like it happened out of nowhere for no apparent reason, then something greatly shifted his focus. It’s normally one of the things I mentioned, and there’s not much you can do. He didn’t fight for it, and was happy you backed off. It’s a good thing you did that too! You made it easier for him to leave, so he didn’t have to get angry or frustrated with you like most dumpers do.
His attraction can only go up, and not down if you stay away from him. For his interest in you to increase, the external source of happiness has to diminish. That means if there’s another girl in the picture, she has to be gone for good.
He’s thinking about you more now that you’re diligiently waiting in NC. Him checking those messages may or may not be a good sign. Let’s assume it is, since he deliberately went online to check them. He is curious about, you and how you managed to stay away, so let’s keep him interested at all times.
Your emotions will fluctuate for a while, until you meet another person. The only advice I can give you is to stay busy and distracted from the break-up. This is the quickest way for you to recover.
I’m here if you need someone to talk to.
Kind regards,
Zan
Zan, thank you so much for replying before. It really did help me alot. My ex FINALLY contacted me last Thursday. That’s almost 5 months of me being in no contact. I started missing him as a friend and liked one of his FB posts the other day. The very next night(late) he texted me while I was asleep and said, “Hey, How are you? Was giving you space since you told we are not on the same page but I still wanna talk. We both like Kevin Ayers, so..haha”. (Kevin Ayers is a musician that we both love.) Anyway, needless to say I was shocked and excited to wake up to this text bc I was scared I would never hear from him again and I do miss him. I didn’t reply first thing bc I wanted time to decide what to say. Around 1 in the afternoon I said, “Hey, Snipey(my nickname for him), I’m great! How are things with you? Need to catch up. ” And I sent him a youtube link to my fav Kevin Ayers song.
He NEVER replied! I’ve been racking my brain like, was I too nice? Not nice enough? I thought it was a good balance of being happy to hear from him but not too happy but maybe I’m wrong? It’s really hurt me that he would reach out and then ignore me. I miss even just having him as a friend. It’s been 5 days since I texted replied to him. Why would he do this? What do I do? 🙁
Did I take to long to get back to him maybe? He texted me around midnight and I didn’t text back till 1 the next day. I don’t know. I wish he wouldn’t have contacted me at all over contacting me and then disappearing. 🙁 So confusing.
Hi Madeline.
I hope you’re holding on.
It’s not about what you did wrong, but rather about him and his intentions. Sometimes dumpers check up on their dumpees just to see if dumpees have any hard feelings toward them. They can also check up on dumpees in their moments of weakness. Just how you were feeling down the other day and missed him, so can your ex. He can have ups and downs and act impulsively whenever his mood, ego, overall health takes a hit. Once he feels better, he will go back to hiding.
Don’t blame yourself for replying the way you did. Here’s a tip for the next time he contacts you; try not to include and nicknames or anything that shows you may possess feelings for him.
The fact that he isn’t responding means he isn’t interested in further conversation with you.
Go back to no contact and try to get it out of your head as quickly as possible.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hi Zan,
Does NC rule work out regardless of cultures and countries?
My ex and I are Asian. We have been in love for four months. Although we had a couple of disagreements(one is I don’t want to have sex before marriage, and at the begining he appreciated it, but later he believed that it proved that I didn’t love him as much as he did), I thought we were in deep love and capable to solve them. Two days before breakup, we were still talking about our future, like how to raise children, and he even planned to move to my city four days later. He found a new job in my city, but didn’t look as happy as I imagined him, so I asked him why. He said that he found I wasn’t that considerate of him and didn’t open my heart to him. (Honestly, I suspect that he implied my disagreement to live together after he moved to my city. ) At the night he went back home by train, I thought a lot and became a little angry. How can he deny my love to him! I sent him a message to show my anger but still in a polite way. Next day, I got his message. To my surprise, he broke up with me. He seemed to become a very different person that I had never seen him like before. These messages are quite aggressive and cruel. He didn’t even want to have a talk with me. I tried to convince him to think about it and I loved him. But he was determined. I didn’t persuade him further. Our relationship ended just with several messages. After that, we didn’t contact each other except I called him to mail an important document which I had dropped in his bag. Besides, he blocked me on whatsapp. Two days after we broke up, he went to ski when I still felt heartbroken.
It’s been more than three weeks. I am still confused how a person can change so fast. Is that his impulsive decision or he has considered breaking up for a long time? Because I’ve never noticed a hint. Is NC rule the best way for me in this situation?
Hi Yedichen.
No contact works two ways. 1. you get yourself back, and 2. it allows your ex to process the break-up at his natural pace without your interference. You really can’t go wrong with it in your case.
Break-up wasn’t a spontaneous decision. He’s been thinking about pulling the trigger for a while, hence his relief after that. Him going skiing as if nothing happened is normal for dumpers, as they are happy they have finally gotten rid of the “burden.” You can’t expect him to sit at home and cry when this was a decision to be happier. It’s his belief that he can be happier, so he is.
When your ex sent you those mean messages, he did so because he no longer cared. When a person no longer cares, he will say the cruelest things – even to an ex girlfriend.
Remember, you can’t rationally convince him to change his mind. He has been feeling denied of love because he had certain expectations of you. No sex before marriage agreement was him accepting what he could at that time. As his needs increased, he wanted more intimacy and “commitment” so he suggested living together.
When he is ready to talk, hear him out and listen to his wishes. If it’s something you aren’t willing to do, the break-up had to happen in both your and his best interest.
Kind regards,
Zan
Hello. Does no contact work if you “disappear” on social media? A lot coaches recommend being active on social media so your ex doesn’t forget you and you can show you have a happy life without him, your improvements etc. It is been 5 months since my breakup I did not beg but thanks to some coaches advice I contacted him twice. Like every 45 days… 2 months ago I decided I’ve done enough blocked him on whatsapp, he blocked me too and I went indefinite NC. At first I thought social media was working because he watched all my statuses but when I tried to talk to him he was not receptive at all, he was angry and I was not even trying to get him back, I think I just wanted closure and an adult conversation.
I left Facebook yesterday because it hurts me and it doesn’t help me to move on and be happy. Everyday I get friends recommendations related to him, because we have some friends in common with their accounts I know about his life even though I don’t want to… Part of me is happy with the decission and even thinks the NC is more effective if I disappear completely but sometimes I think I am just making this easier for him, easier to forget me, easier to avoid contacting me etc. Also he started dating someone 3 weeks after the breakup and they are VERY VERY ACTIVE on social media. I don’t know what to do. I think 5 months later I don’t even want him back even though I love him. I just want to stop hurting and maybe an apology. We were the kind of couple that never fought, he told me everything, we even talked if someday this doesn’t work, with time, we will try to be friends because we understood each other perfectly… And he broke up with me by phone and treated me as a stranger and like he never loved me.
Hi Irina. Thanks for commenting.
Contacting your ex first after he’s broken up with you is a terrible idea. The reason is that he is feeling a variety of negative emotions towards you – most of them for which you are not to be blamed for. So when you contact a person that wants nothing to do with you, he will respond in that way. Your case is just another example of what exes will do when you contact them, and pretend everything is fine (even if you don’t sound needy and desperate). They have to process their emotions on their own, so you cannot reach out. Under any circumstances, must you not break no-contact before your ex is ready. You know he’s ready is when he contacts you. When he contacts you, you can rest assured he is in a neutral state — unless he does it for some other important reason – like kids, death of a family member, etc. The reason why coaches tell you to contact them, is probably so they have some advice to give you. If they told you to just never talk to your ex again, 1)it wouldn’be profitable for them, and 2)it would make it hard on you. Giving you hope is the worst they can do.
The most effective NC is the one during which you learn and improve. To make an impact on your ex however, you must show that you are happy and well, and moving on with your life. This includes dating. Disappearing completely won’t work that well, but it will yield certain results. He will think about what you’re up to, but not necessarily want to go digging deeper. He will want to do dig if he sees you have moved on.
Kind regards,
Zan
Thank you Zan!
My doubt is how you show progress without social media. I thought it was working because for 3 months he watched all my statuses with photos. I thought it was working on him because it literally worked on everyone else LOL during that time. No only on people close to me, I meant even work or university colleages I have not talked in years talked to me, wanted to see me, told me I looked beautiful, happy and that I seemed very busy and succesful. But now…
– We blocked each other on whatsapp. He blocked me first the second time I contacted him.
– On Facebook we are not friends anymore and I blocked him. I also don’t want to put my photos on public and Facebook was a nightmare too for the things i told before (it is hard trying “to forget” someone if Facebook recommends you as friends very often his friends, his family and even his new girlfriend).
I also think any effort to be “on his radar” will be useless and even pathetic now that he has a new girlfriend and that maybe disappearing is the best also for that reason.
Hi again.
Keep doing what you’ve been doing. Keep posting amazing things, and don’t worry whether it’s working on not. It will only really work once he goes through certain stages of a break-up. For now, you must focus on your own well-being by making yourself happy first. No-contact speaks on it’s own. There is no need for words at this stage. Also. at least make one profile visible so he can stalk you from time to time. Dumpee must give the dumper the ability to reach out, otherwise it won’t ever happen.
I don’t know how you managed to block him, but I suggest you unblock him. Control yourself from now on, as every negative behaviour extremely reduces your chances of reconciliation. Whether you stay off his radar is completely up to you. You have to wait a while any way, so there’s no way you can rush it.
Zan
Hello 🙂 my boyfriend of 1,5 years broke up because he wasnt happy and we broken up for 1 month now 1 week ago i send him a stupid message of how i feel. He said he wasnt happy for months but now he is happy again. He never talked to me about it in our releationship. Im cutting off all contact now but is there a little change he is gonna miss me? We did do alot together.
Hi Tira. Thanks for commenting.
When his relief stage ends, he is going to miss you, as well as the things you did for/with him. By staying out of his way in no-contact, you are going to allow him to miss the good times. If you don’t give him the space he craves, he is going to keep shutting you down until he destroys you completely.
Right now he is feeling happy, because he feels independent, and is experiencing relief for breaking-up with you.
If you did a lot of things together as a couple, he will most definitely think about them. Every time he passes a common spot the two of you shared together, he is going to be reminded of you. The same thing will occur for every song, activity and everything he associates with you. The more time passes, the more fondly he will think of you. Negative associations with you should begin to fade, and “hopefully” he will see the positive aspect of the relationship.
Zan