Updated on September 23, 2025
It goes without saying that no contact is hard—so very, very hard. Many dumpees struggle to start it and stay in it because they feel obsessed with their ex and want their ex to talk to them and take them back. Their ex’s attention and validation mean the world to them, so they continue to crave their ex before and during no contact.
Their cravings initially increase because they’re forced to go cold turkey with their ex. The first few days are the hardest, as they feel immense separation anxiety and question the effectiveness of no contact. Over time, though, they adapt and see the positives of no contact. Positives include taking charge of their life and moving on.
Unfortunately, many dumpees discover no contact late. They’re anxious, depressed, and in denial, so they refuse to give their ex the space he or she asked for. Instead of leaving their ex alone, they reach out to their ex and try to win their ex over with words and actions. They don’t realize they’re making themselves look desperate and unattractive—and that they’re making things worse.
Because they have no clue (or don’t care) they’re suffocating their ex, they keep trying to get their ex back until their ex ignores or blocks them, and forces them to start no contact. When that happens, it becomes much more challenging for no contact to affect their ex in ways dumpees want it to.
By the time they begin no contact, many dumpees have already damaged their image. They’ve begged, pleaded, or acted out of desperation, forcing their ex to need more time than usual.
If you’ve done something to stress or anger your ex, it’s extremely important not to break no contact. Breaking no contact could ruin the progress of no contact and reset your healing. It could also make your ex bitter, resentful, or vengeful.
Hence, it’s in your best interest not to give in to anxiety and pain. As difficult as it is to stay away from your ex, remember that it will be more difficult if you reach out and expect your ex to take you back. The moment your ex sees that you still yearn for love and affection, your ex will put his/her guard up and push you away out of self-protection.
Your ex won’t let you close because your words and/or actions will show that you need him or her much more than he or she needs you. Not only will it show that you lack self-love, but it will also prove that you’re still dependent on him or her for happiness and purpose.
So even though no contact is hard, apply yourself and push through the pain and uncertainty. Each time you resist acting on your pain and avoid breaking the rules of no contact, you grow a little stronger emotionally and detach a little more. Eventually, post-breakup silence will stop bothering you and triggering waves of nostalgia.
You just need to get through the storm. Resist the temptation to contact your ex long enough, and you’ll stop feeling the need to cling to your ex for happiness and stability.
Think of no contact as a test of strength and determination. The more determined you are, the bigger the chance that you’ll give your ex space to work through negative breakup thoughts and feelings—and leave a positive impression on your ex. No contact alone won’t bring your ex back, as it doesn’t have the power to manipulate your ex.
The purpose of no contact is to give your ex space and time to enjoy life and think things through. Some dumpers never reflect or reflect in ways they need to because they don’t experience big issues or have decent coping mechanisms. They continue to blame their ex for their problems and lack of feelings, and fail to realize things that could help them grow.
Dumpers engage in reflection and come back to work on the relationship only when they’re capable of admitting fault, forgiving their ex, letting go of the past, and appreciating their ex. Such dumpers are usually self-aware, responsible, and capable of growing continuously—or they develop those qualities when life challenges them.
In today’s post, we’ll discuss what makes no contact so hard and what you can do to make it easier.
How hard is no contact?
If you’re new to no contact and you’re wondering how hard no contact actually is, you’ve come to the right place. No contact isn’t equally hard for everyone. The ones who find it most difficult are usually those who struggle with self-love and accepting the breakup.
Such people often keep their ex’s gifts, replay old conversations, feel an intense urge to reach out, and sometimes even reach out. They find it irresistibly hard to keep their composure and stay physically and emotionally away from their ex.
This doesn’t mean that only people with low self-esteem struggle with no contact. Any dumpee who truly cares for their dumper will find it difficult to begin and stick with it. The dumpee is attached and heartbroken, so it’s natural for him or her to yearn for the dumper.
It’d be strange or unrealistic if the dumpee was instantly over the dumper and didn’t feel nostalgic or hurt.
Breakups take time to recover from. Whether you’re physically attractive and have romantic options or don’t feel too confident about yourself, you’re expected to think and obsess about your ex during no contact.
Obsession happens when you have feelings for your ex and want him or her to take your pain away. If you weren’t attached and in pain, you’d find no contact super easy. In fact, you wouldn’t do no contact to get back with your ex but to move on and find better romantic opportunities.
No contact consists of three stages. The length and intensity of these stages depend on how fresh the breakup is, how the dumpee handles the breakup, and how he or she copes with abandonment and unpredictable dumper behavior.
The first stage is the hardest as it occurs right at the beginning of the breakup or when the dumpee starts no contact. The second stage takes place once the dumpee is past the initial emotions of heartbreak and is able to function independently and enjoy his or her life again.
And the third and last stage of no contact occurs when the dumpee is finally thinking about himself or herself more than the dumper and focuses strongly inwardly.
From my personal experience and my work as a coach, starting no contact isn’t as hard as staying consistent with it. Starting it requires a decision, whereas sticking with it demands ongoing discipline and emotional control.
A friend of mine says, “No contact is like pushing a burning iron ingot into your skin over and over and over and over again.“
He’s definitely right about that.
No contact is undeniably difficult, as the emotional pull to reach out to our ex often outweighs rational thinking. Doubt and uncertainty, fueled by conflicting advice online, do nothing to strengthen your resolve.
Friends and family are also guilty of this, as the advice they give can often be counterproductive. Oftentimes, they say things like, “Your ex will definitely regret it. Just give him/her time to calm down.” Some even advise reaching out and “Win their ex back.”
That’s why it’s important to stick to no contact indefinitely from the day you start following it until the day you hear from your ex. If you’re not happy with what your ex has to say, you have to do it even longer. You have to go back to no contact and let your ex come back with a plan to get back together.
No contact can be tricky at times because it can make you doubt it and tempt you to break the silence. Difficult emotions can make you do impulsive things that get you rejected and destroy your self-esteem.
If you plan on doing no contact, do your best to do it right the first time. Remember that no contact is your chance to improve your self-esteem and gain your ex’s respect. No contact doesn’t guarantee reconciliation, but it does maximize your chances of retaining your value and looking strong and confident in your ex’s eyes.
How much pain should I feel during no contact?
Indefinite no contact is the hardest during the first seven days. In terms of anxiety, it’s hardest at the start and gradually becomes easier with each passing day. The longer you stick to it, the less anxious you become and the less you miss your ex.
It’s hard to say how much pain you should feel during no contact. If the breakup just happened, you should feel a lot of it. Painful (setback) days should be frequent and uncomfortable.
Gradually (months into the breakup), they should decrease in frequency and intensity, making it easier for you to cope with the loss.
Anyone who went into no contact will tell you that it gets easier with time. How much easier it gets depends on your self-esteem, coping mechanisms, confidence, outlook on life, emotional support, dating options, what you do in your free time, and the information you receive about your ex.
There are probably hundreds of factors that affect your healing, but that’s not the point. The purpose of no contact is to be selfish—for your own recovery. You need to do what’s best for you and make self-care your top priority.
The lessons people learn in no contact stick with them throughout their whole life.
They not only learn to manage stress and anxiety more effectively, but also to love themselves in a healthy way. Relationship skills, healthy habits, and personal growth naturally follow.
If you’re feeling a lot of pain, try to find the silver lining in this horrible ordeal. Consider it your chance to grow, detach, and figure out what’s best for you. You may think it’s your ex, but that’s because you’re used to being with him or her. Once you recover emotionally, you’ll feel much better and stronger, and see your ex differently.
You might not even want your ex back.
Anyway, anxiety and pain are the best incentives for personal growth as they allow dumpees to grow in just about any field. Goals and accomplishments that might normally take months or years, many dumpees achieve in a fraction of the time.
Some of the things people achieve during no contact include:
- Losing weight and gaining muscle
- Improving harmful behavioral patterns
- Quitting bad habits
- Going back to school
- getting a promotion
- finding a better partner
- making more friends
- and becoming genuinely happy with themselves
In no contact, the impossible becomes possible.
When people face adversity, their old weaknesses turn into strengths. The things they once struggled with become much easier to overcome after they’ve done the necessary work.
And that’s what no contact is all about.
Pain in no contact is your friend. The more intense it is, the more you’ll learn and improve.
There isn’t a single person in this world who hasn’t learned through pain. Everyone experiences some form of mental struggle or hard work to achieve meaningful things in life. Without it, most people don’t change much.
In his book The Greatest Discovery, Earl Nightingale writes about the connection between success and suffering.
He says, “There is no success without suffering. If you succeed without suffering, it is because someone has suffered for you. If you suffer without succeeding, it is so someone may succeed after you, but there is no success without suffering.”
Take a moment to consider Earl Nightingale’s words of wisdom and let his insight inspire you. I know you’d rather not go through such a painful separation, but as the old saying goes, “No pain, no gain.” In your case, it’s massive pain—which means massive gain.
Anxiety levels in no contact
If you’re in no contact or are tempted to give it a try, I strongly encourage you not just to give it a try, but also to stick to it.
You probably already know it won’t be easy to stick to this rule when anxiety hits you hard, but it’s by far the best way to confront your inner reconciliation demons. It’s better to do no contact long-term than to talk to your ex and pretend everything’s fine.
I did a quick survey with fellow dumpees to see how much anxiety one should—or rather, could expect during no contact. After a while, I got my answer.
Here’s an estimate of anxiety levels for dumpees and the time it takes to get over the breakup.
The percentages in this graph display the levels of anxiety dumpees experience. The months, on the other hand, show the time it takes to ease it.
As you can see from the graph, anxiety is extremely high during the first month or two of no contact. After that, it gradually eases, and by the eighth month, it mostly or almost completely disappears.
That’s likely around the time when dumpees are more or less over the breakup. We can also infer that the percentages in this graph reflect how much time we spend thinking about our exes. And when we think about our exes, anxiety surges through our systems, forcing us to feel stuck.
What makes no contact even harder?
No contact is hard because of overwhelming separation anxiety, fears, and childhood traumas.
But what makes no contact even harder is:
- conflicting information about no contact
- feelings of nostalgia
- reminders of your ex
- keeping photos, songs, and videos of your ex
- refusing to follow all aspects of no contact
- reading love quotes and poems
- listening to sad breakup songs
- receiving false hope
- doubting no contact
- refusing to move on
- staying put in life
- tolerating breadcrumbs
No contact is so hard because people often don’t take it seriously. Some dumpers don’t do anything to learn new things and better themselves. Instead of working on themselves, they feel bad for themselves and merely wait for their ex to return.
This makes their relationship fail again if their ex decides to return.
I know not all dumpees are crazy obsessed with bettering themselves, and that’s okay. Some don’t have crazy amounts of work to do. You should, however, go out of your house, stay active, and try to learn a thing or two about relationships.
The no contact period doesn’t have to be solely about self-improvement every single day. Spending time on things you enjoy keeps your mind off your ex and helps you feel better along the way.
There’s no better remedy after a breakup than keeping yourself busy. If you can’t do that and just sit and cry, no contact will become much harder to maintain. You’ll feel sorry for yourself and keep checking your phone for calls and texts from your ex.
No contact VS contact
The only thing harder than no contact is (frequent) contact. Talking to your ex opens your wounds, gives you hope, and delays your recovery. If you learn things you’re not supposed to learn, you also risk falling into depression and experiencing suicidal thoughts.
You probably already know how difficult and painful it is to try to be friends with your ex and hope that things change for the better. Some dumpers string their ex along and use him or her to assuage their guilt. Their behavior confuses their ex and makes their ex more anxious and scared of letting go.
Hearing how well your ex is doing without you is not something you need in your life. You’re better off not knowing what your ex is thinking, feeling, and doing. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to breakups.
So if you doubt no contact and think that staying in contact is easier than not staying in it, sadly, you’re mistaken. You’ll feel much better if you cut your ex off and protect your heart, self-esteem, happiness, and health.
Crawling back into your ex’s life when he or she is bitter, angry, and disinterested in you is mission impossible. When you’ve been on your best behavior for days or weeks and your ex is still bitter, it’s likely for the best to step back, focus on yourself, and go no contact.
Leaving your ex behind won’t be easy, but it will probably be the best decision you’ve ever made, especially if you’re still hurt and the one doing all the chasing.
Remind yourself that staying in contact with your ex could:
- get you blocked
- reduce your value
- push your ex away
- show you have low self-esteem and low confidence
- make you act on impulse
- brand you as a crazy ex
- slow down your healing
Some dumpees believe they must showcase change to their ex by staying in contact. They think they need to sacrifice their own happiness for a chance to get back together. Unfortunately, this mindset is wrong on every level.
Nobody has the right to take happiness away from you, and neither does your ex—no matter how much you’ve hurt him or her. No contact is hard—but it’s the best thing you can do when your ex isn’t open to reconciliation and ready to get back together.
If you’re too kind and caring, you’ll just annoy your ex and solidify his or her decision to break up with you. You’ll cause more harm than good and prevent your ex from seeing your worth later down the line.
There’s usually no direct way back into someone’s heart—especially if that person is young, immature, and showing extremely negative or toxic traits. The only thing you can do is trust the no contact process and ensure your own happiness.
It will be difficult not to have your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend in your life, but it’s definitely better than seeing him or her happy without you. Not only does listening to your ex talk about his or her happiness ruin your happiness, but it also prevents you from detaching and growing as a person.
You can only grow as a person when you focus entirely on yourself and your shortcomings. Honestly, there are no benefits to staying friends with your ex. Not a single one. You may feel as if you’ve lost your best friend or someone important to you, but that doesn’t mean you should settle for less than what you’re prepared to bargain for.
Accepting a friendship offer is a desperate move. It’s like being offered a piece of chocolate in exchange for a brand-new iPhone.
You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you don’t want to be rude. Just don’t act as a friend, as it will cause you tons of problems and pain. Every time your ex reaches out to talk about unimportant things, you’ll feel slightly validated, but not enough to feel satisfied.
This will go on until you decide you’ve had enough and cut your ex off once and for all.
No contact isn’t working for me!
No contact always works when you believe it does. This doesn’t only apply to your ex, but to you as well. If you do it for yourself with the intention to move on, I can almost guarantee positive results. That’s because you’ll get over your ex and find your zest for life.
Let’s take a look at what no contact recovery looks like in the chart below.
If you look at the happiness levels on the left and compare them to the days on the bottom, you’ll see that happiness during no contact steadily increases over time.
Healing in NC follows an upward curve. Even if the progress isn’t obvious, each day feels a little bit better. The sharp drops on the graph represent setback days.
They’re the toughest challenge dumpees face during no contact.
Birthdays, anniversaries, common places, reminders, and dreams are common triggers for these setbacks. Sometimes, they also appear out of nowhere, leaving dumpees with no choice but to deal with them.
The interesting thing about setback days is that with each one, the dumpee’s lowest point rises slightly. Every low becomes a bit less painful than the last and gradually aligns more closely with the highs of recovery.
If you’re in no contact and find it difficult to cope because of setback days, keep in mind that you’re already starting to feel better every day.
Some days you may feel completely hopeless and devastated, but you’ll also notice more and more positive days emerging. That’s proof that you’re on the right path and that complete recovery is only a matter of time.
No contact applies to most dumpees, including you
By no means is pain good for your health. It’s by far the worst experience you can put your body and mind through.
Anxiety in no contact can be difficult to deal with. Depending on your stress-management techniques and abilities to battle pain, no contact can either be the most difficult experience you’ll ever go through or just extremely difficult.
Here’s how difficult dumpees say no contact is.
As shown in the chart above, most dumpees – 48 out of 63 (76.19%) rated no contact as extremely difficult, giving it a score of 8–10. The other 23.81% of dumpees gave no contact a difficulty rating between 3 and 7. And not a single dumpee gave it a 1 or 2.
Everyone copes with stress differently. Depending on the type of breakup, your attachment style, and your self-perception, it may take some time before you start to feel better.
Don’t let that discourage you. Everything takes time to improve, and no contact is no exception. If you can’t stop feeling better and you find no contact extremely hard and painful, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
Talk to someone who listens and cares about your well-being. No contact is about you. Do what eases your pain and obsession with your ex. You’ll heal quicker if you get busy with life and let the rules of no contact guide you.
If you don’t know what to do to make no contact less difficult, I suggest you start journaling your thoughts and feelings. Put down how you feel and why you feel that way. It will help you vent and have a therapeutic effect.
Make sure to also socialize. Surround yourself with empathetic people who understand what you’re going through and want to help. They’ll keep you distracted and answer some of the questions you’ve been wanting your ex to answer.
And lastly, keep your body physically active. Sign up for a gym, go hiking, or start working out at home. Exercising releases happy hormones and makes no contact much easier to deal with. If you’re happy and in control, you’ll feel less tempted to break the no contact rule and destroy your emotional progress.
Are you in no contact? If you are, how are you coping? Do you find no contact hard? What month are you in? Comment below and let us know.
However, if you’re looking for help staying in no contact, feel free to reach out to us directly. Do so by subscribing to breakup coaching.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
I am in a bit of a different situation. My boyfriend and I have been together in a LDR (I’m in NYC & he’s in Miami) for over a year, seeing each other every two weeks. I go there about 2/3 of the time and he comes here 1/3 of the time. Then, we FaceTime each day and most nights for dinner together. We’ve met each other’s families and his 18 & 20 year old daughters and I are also close. We love each other very much and have had a great relationship for the most part. Although it does tend to swing in his favor and revolve more around his friends and family and wants than mine.
He goes to his home country of Turkey every summer for 3 months and being a 10 hour flight away with a 7 hour time difference for 1/4 of the year is too much time apart for me and very difficult to communicate for more than a few minutes each day, if that.
We planned that I would go there for 2 weeks in July/August, but he refuses to come back for a week or two at some point in between, and while I am a very independent woman, I feel abandoned.
His response to me expressing my feelings, was telling me I could come there for the entire summer or as much as I want (3 or 4 times). However, I have a demanding job, two dogs and friends/family here as well and he knows I can’t possibly come there all summer. Also, expecting me to fly 10 hours each way 3-4 times over the summer is unreasonable. Then, he suggested meeting in a less distant location in Europe for a few long weekends (still 6-7 hours each way for me). He can work from anywhere, but I sell real estate and while I have a team to back me up, I physically have to be at work.
We got into an argument and his words to me in his were “I’m never going to change for you. I’ve been doing this every summer for 35 years and I won’t be a puppy dog sitting by your side”. I don’t want him to be a puppy dog. I don’t expect anyone to fundamentally change. I appreciate his independence as well as my own, but I feel like I am the only one expected to compromise here and am expected to come to him more when I have more physical responsibilities at home than he has. I also want to eventually move to Miami (which has been the plan since before we met) and move in together once my business is in a place where I can just come back to NYC for bigger deals or one week per month. I told him this and he seemed happy, but didn’t tell me he wanted me to move in.
So, I began questioning everything – my importance to him, if we will ever go to the next level, etc. and I started feeling resentful that I am to be alone during my favorite season of the year with no compromise from his end. I am not angry that he’s away in a place he loves with people he loves and I do not want to strip him of that, but 1/4 of a year apart with the time difference to boot is too hard for me.
I told him I need time without communication to figure out if this relationship is going to work for me.
I said “ I love you, and I always will. At the same time, I love and respect myself and need to prioritize what makes me happy in life. If you cannot make compromises or value what makes me happy the same way I value you and what makes you happy, then you are forcing me to move on. As of right now, I do not have plans to come to Turkey this summer. I’ll miss you.”
I told him not to call and I would reach out when I’m ready and don’t know when that will be – it could be a few days or it could be longer. We agreed not to see other people until I gain clarity.
We have been in NC now for a week and it’s excruciating. My anxiety is through the roof and I question whether he will miss me, consider compromising, or if I am out of sight out of mind.
I truly love him and miss him. I have never loved or had so much in common with someone. He is also my best friend. I’m 42 and he is (a very young) 56. I’ve never had this much fun with someone and I trust his loyalty despite the fact that he was a huge player for 7 years following his divorce before we met.
But I’m stuck with this dilemma. Do I just accept that this will be my life with him or move on and find someone else? And will I ever find the kind of love we share again? I go back and forth every day, but I think I need more from him. Yesterday, I felt so low and was desperate to call him. Today, I feel more powerful and motivated, but am still aching.
There is a lot online about NC when you’ve been dumped, but not much about situations like mine.
When will I gain clarity? When will I have the answers? When should I reach out? Or should I reach out at all? I didn’t officially break up with him. So, never reaching out again seems cruel.
Thanks for taking the time to read my story.
Hi Kelly.
You’re hoping the guy would change, but he won’t. He thinks of compromise as controlling behavior, so you only have two options. 1, accept him as he is and stay partially unhappy. Or 2, leave him so you can find someone who will listen to you and adjust. The longer you stay in no contact, the more clarity you’ll gain. You can reach out if you want to, but that’s not going to change anything.
Kind regards,
Zan
Really struggling with no contact so hope writing all this and getting it out there may be quite helpful. He has children and was worried his ex wife would turn them against him so I’ve always been kept “secret”. She does cause a lot of stress and use the children as weapons, a lot! Anyway around 7 months ago he ended us. Said he can never be public with me and we will never work, I was devastated. I done the no contact rule and it 100% worked. He came back and suddenly we started properly dating, met each other’s families, had so much fun together. He even told his kids about me. Didn’t tell ex but said because he doesn’t care, it’s none of her business. If she finds out fine but he’s not going to just tell her. Then a few weeks ago out of absolutely nowhere I was dumped again by text. No explanation, just that he’s unhappy. I stupidly begged and pleaded. I called, I messaged, I even showed up at his house! We have slept together twice since even though he tells me prior it does not mean we are back together. I last saw him on Saturday night. When he left in sunday morning I cried and asked him to please change his mind. Nope! I then sent a big message saying how none of this makes sense and he can’t just stop loving me out of nowhere over night. I’ve told him we both take some space and he’ll see life without me isn’t going to be happier. That’s the last contact. We work together but I can avoid him there to an extent and just speak professionally is absolutely necessary. So day 1 of no contact I suppose and I’m an absolute mess. I think it’s the lack of understanding and the constant “why” that’s making this so hard. I’m convinced no contact won’t change things this time
Hi Ally.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. It looks like your ex has a lot of personal issues to resolve before he can be with any woman (not just you). He needs to end his relationship with his ex-wife and stop fearing her. It’s unfortunate that you got caught in the crossfire, but try to understand that this relationship wasn’t going to work out no matter what you did. You couldn’t progress with this person because he wasn’t ready and willing to grow with you. He was living in fear and will probably continue to do so for a while.
Kind regards,
Zan
Wont accepting the offer of a friendship by an ex and then going back into no contact say to your ex that us dumpers are settling for less than we deserve and therefore remove any value we may have left?
I’m a little confused by this as the article said there is no benefit to being friends with your ex. I do understand but accepting that friendship tells them that we are prepared to settle for less than we want.
Hi B.
If you start acting like a friend, your ex could see your desperation and feel repulsed. But if you merely accept the offer and don’t do anything, you could avoid looking mean and keep healing.
It’s always best to just politely say you need more time to yourself and that you’ll let your ex know when/if you’re ready to be friends.
Best regards,
Zan
Thanks for sharing this helpful article. Much like many of you here, I too was discarded and replaced by a former coworker of ours who’s 30 and he’s 45. All of the things that he made excuses for he’s doing it with her. Such as taking trips, shopping, switching cars, and spending time together. The pain is absolutely unbearable for my 2 daughters and his two sons in addition to our families. No remorse or apology from him. He uses that he’s single and she’s just a friend. I’m on 7 day no contact and have become depleted and just want to get back to life from this. Some parts of me want to warn the new supply, but I am choosing to move on! I could use encouragement during this very arduous process. I don’t wish this hurt on my worst enemy!
Hi Tara.
I’m sorry to hear your ex has replaced you with someone new. On top of replacing you, he’s doing all the things he said he would do, so I can only imagine how that makes you feel.
I know it’s hard, but try not to expect an apology from this person. He’s enjoying his time with her, so don’t check up on them. Deactivate social media and don’t ask about them. They don’t exist for you anymore.
Stay strong, Tara!
Kind regards,
Zan
I’m in day 7 of no contact. My ex gf and I broke up 2 months ago and she Started to date somebody right away and then decided she wanted to try to keep me as a “friend”. We did this dance for about a month. We had sex once, met a few times for coffee and spent the entire day together on another occasion only for her to go back to her boyfriend that very night as she explained she is still dating him. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life. I honestly thought she would have ended it. Being in contact with her as she’s dating somebody was absolute torture.
I decided to block her everywhere.
Although I don’t feel 100% better I certainly feel better than having those extreme highs and lows feeling the rejection and pain all over again being in contact with her.
I pray I can get through this I’m still so raw
Hi Keith.
Staying friends with you gave you lots of hope and killed that hope when you found out she was still dating that guy. It’s best that you stay no contact and heal this time so you don’t get strung along anymore.
If she changes his mind about you, you have to take complete control of the reconciliation and tell her what you expect from her.
Hang in there, Keith!
Zan
Thanks Zan! Happy to say after the no contact it made her realize how much she loved me so she left the guy and we are back together. 2.5 weeks strong.
Hang in there everyone if it’s meant to be they will return.
Great to hear that, Keith.
Make sure to take things slow and work on the issues that split you up.
Sincerely,
Zan
I was in a relationship for 18 months where we texted daily and saw each other at work. He said for a long time that we weren’t going to be compatible in the long run and he eventually found someone else. I was heart-broken and cried for several days and many times since when I talk about it. Super tough to go no contact because we have the same employer, though we don’t directly work together. He said he always wants to be friends, that he loves me, cares for me and respects me. Those kind of suck me in and I contact him about my life and he’s always very nice but less engaging than before. He even flirts sometimes and discounts his relationship with his girlfriend. This has been so confusing, full of mixed messages for me, and truly heart-breaking. Even though I don’t really want him back, and I do know that we are not compatible on several levels, I have not been able to break away. I have tried being silent for days and he always reaches out and I respond. I’ve never gone more than 14 days, and he usually reaches out after about 3-4. I’m up to 10 now, have him blocked on my phone, but the work app is still there. I haven’t responded to 2 messages now. I am so worried about if/when the next one comes. I don’t know if he will be silent or ask me why I’m not responding. When I haven’t answered before he asked me if I was on his silent treatment list. I said he should be, but I wrote him back after that… ugh.
Hi Rose.
You need to take a guy seriously when he says you weren’t compatible/going to work out in the end. Such words indicate that he’s having doubts and that those doubts will increase because he’s not doing anything to stop them.
I suggest you tell him you’re going through some personal changes and that you’d appreciate him if he doesn’t reach out anymore. That will help you heal tremendously, Rose.
Kind regards,
Zan
Totally against my beliefs and better judgement, I had an affair with a long-time friend who was also married. The chemistry and compatibility was like nothing we have ever experienced. During these four years, he has moved out of the house and away from his wife three times. He just couldn’t cut her off 100%. I thinks he NEEDS her more than he wants her. I was recently out of town visiting my parents for two weeks when he sent me the most hateful text message I have ever received. It was cruel, disrespectful and cowardly!!! I did nothing to deserve it. It was his way of once again going back to his wife. I did not respond to his text and am currently on day 18 of no contact. It hurts like hell. This is a perfect example of bad karma!!!! I deserve this for the affair. I’m staying in no contact no matter how difficult it gets because I know the pain of ending it won’t be nearly as bad as the pain of not ending it. I hope God forgives me!
Hi Kim.
You didn’t get hit by karma, but you did see what can happen when you date a person who’s still committed to his marriage. Next time, wait for the person to get out of his relationship and detach from his ex before you jump into a relationship with him. That way, your chances of having a strong relationship will be much higher.
Sincerely,
Zan
Geez no contact is difficult. My ex broke up with me and immediately went no contact on me which took me by surprise cos normally the dumpee does nc once I realised she was going no contact I already made a few reach outs she also went straight into therapy helping her recovery.. I on the other hand kept reaching out thinking I could smooth things over to no avail.. I then implemented nc myself been 33 days now and it’s getting easier day by day.. I have absolutely no idea anything about her and she has no clue on me . So not sure how it’s al going to end but I’m strong enough not to reach out ever again ..As coach Lee said It’s like the dumpe ases the exam and we just found out there was an exam..
My ex wanted to be friends. I refused politely and walked away. I loved her a lot. Even she knew it that I really loved her. She was so confident that I would never be able to walk away from her. But I did. After a year of no contact she texted and apologised for the hurt she caused and after when I told her that I’ve forgiven her, she vanished again. That brought all the memories to the forefront again. I again felt hurt and anxiety came back. I wanted to talk to her but I controlled myself and never contacted again. It is tough. Very tough.
Going on one month of no contact after 5 years of marriage. I feel horrible. I miss him even though he was having an emotional affair with a woman at his job, and now she’s planning on moving closer to him. It sucks because he swore nothing was going on with her, just for us to separate and the first person he told was her. Everyday he came home to me like everything was fine, while pursuing her at work. I’m broken and I just want to talk to my husband but he’s bragging and laughing about all the women he talks to now and how much he’s at peace without me. Even told me he wasn’t in love with me. After 5 years. I don’t even know why I want to talk to him.
Hi. You aren’t alone. This is exactly what I am going through. Jessica
Unfortunately I broke about 4 weeks of no contact as I wanted to speak to him so badly. I think he wanted me but I couldn’t be sure. Now day 5 of no contact and it’s really hard as we live next door to each other and it’s lockdown, so we are both home most of the time and I’m struggling to take my mind off him. I actually can’t stop thinking about him and I’m constantly questioning whether I misread the situation and he actually wanted me back. But I have to move on as it won’t work. Luckily I am moving in 6 weeks! I’m going yo try ticking off the days of no contact on the calendar to feel a sense of achievement.
I’m on day 3 of no contact and it’s the most gut wrenching pain I’ve ever felt. I hate this feeling so much. The break up is still so raw and I feel a massive amount of responsibility and guilt because I pushed my ex partner to end the relationship. My moods have became so bad over the last few months of lockdown and he can’t tolerate it any more. He was my best friend as well as my partner.It’s so hard to adapt when you seen someone 24/7 to having no contact at all. I really hope that time and space apart will make him realise I’m not a bad person Im just having some struggles because of lockdown.
Keep going, if you want to message them, write it out and send it to yourself. If you want to email them…do the same thing. The beginning is aweful and the hardest. Remind yourself that any contact will only make your anxiety worse, not better.
Thank-you for this piece, I’ve found it really helpful. Currently at the end of Day 2 No-contact and it is by far the deepest emotional turmoil I’ve ever felt. But, I know it’s the right thing to do. As you wrote, I would rather intense physical pain than this. Getting out 9f the house and doing things–anything–is the only relief at the moment.
My best friend broke up with his relationship of fourteen years, during the first couple of months we hung out all the time. At some point we saw each other five times a week and we became more physical, started holding hands and spooning on the couch. We didn’t have sex because he was also dating, he started dating a girl three weeks after his breakup and now they’re serious. I broke up contact because despite the fact that he is now her boyfriend he kept touching me and I couldn’t help myself. So I rang him up, said our relationship was very inappropriate and I had been feeling crappy for weeks and that I needed space and no contact. Today, I finished my first week. In some senses my life is improving because I don’t have to deal with the emotional stress of doing something amoral, so I used that energy to anger clean my house. I guess what I want are sustainable goals that help me structure and build up my life in such a way that I start thinking about him less. Does anyone have small habits that I could implement in order manage that? – perfectly imperfect female
I feel like the odd one out here because my ex in this situation is my ex-father. He was a terrible father, a drug abuser, an alcoholic, a racist, and a wife beater. The only thing he had going for him was his “charm.” My parents got divorced and I didn’t hear from him for years until he remarried. It was my new stepmother — not him — who asked my brothers and I to come visit. By that point, I was having problems with my mother and I was tired of the grudge I carried against him. I think he knew I wanted a loving relationship with at least one parent, and in this way I left myself open to manipulation. I thought he had changed and was trying to be a good person in this new marriage. He and Wife #3 seemed meant to be. But over time he became comfortable enough in her home to let loose and start drinking again. Their marriage ended this year when he threatened to hurt her and her daughter and hang himself. He went to prison from May until November, she divorced him and took out PFAs… and then he started writing letters to my mother, whom he hasn’t spoken to in years. He has no money and no place to go; in his letters he talks like we are all one loving family, and says he can’t wait to see us again. He desperately wants back in, but I have seen enough. He is sixty-five and still hasn’t gotten his life together. There was never a change of person. He brings pain and trauma into the lives of everyone he claims to love. I’m through with him, but my God is it difficult. Even after changing my number so I don’t have to hear his voice again, my mother tries to tell me about the things he writes to her, despite me telling her clearly and forcefully that he is no longer a figure in my life. I have lost some respect for my mother, because she has already been taken in by the “humor” and “charm” in his letters. What he did to her destroyed her trust and she has never even gone on a date since him. That was twenty-six years ago. If she allows her abuser back into her life and into her house, she will not hear from me anymore either. Part of me wants to write a letter to my father telling him to leave us alone, you had your chance, you have a lot of nerve writing at all, etc. But where will that get me? Onto a boatload of guilt for breaking my own no contact rule, and guilt for saying harsh things to a person who essentially has nothing and nobody anymore. That just proves to me that I still have a heart — but I’m not leaving it open to be broken by him anymore. I am done being the Fixer in this family; I cannot help those who will not help themselves. I know my happiness is the first priority now. I have chosen to help myself, and yet how difficult it really is. My mother, father, brothers — all of them are caught in their own downward spirals. I feel like I’m walking away from a train wreck and developing a survivor complex because of it. It is hard, but all things pass, and in my heart I do trust that the difficulties are worth something now, not later. The negative thoughts come often and they come unbidden, but thoughts come and go like clouds. It’s just anxious mind chatter. So let them come and let them go. I will remain, and I will be the happier for it — not someday, but starting today.
I dumped him because I was angry at him I said I never want to see or speak to you again… I reached out and apologized a few days later said I was upset and didn’t mean it I begged for a week. We sat down and talked reconciled and four days later he sat me down and looked me to my face and dumped me. We were engaged, and had set a date for 8/10. Now, it’s been 2 weeks no contact and I’m dying inside. The 10th is in a few days and I feel like I’m in pieces. No contact is so hard but I accept that he made this decision for me, I didn’t give up on us but he did. I’ve been running and focusing on school, changed my Facebook profile picture and haven’t looked since. He deleted anything related to me from his Facebook, as though I never existed in his life, untagged himself from everything related to us and deleted anything he ever posted in regard to me and that I posted on his page. I’m 13 days in and 6 days from the date we planned to get married.
so, I have been in no contact for almost a month. we both blocked each other on all social media and email. my ex ended our engagement abruptly and went no contact, but told me he met someone else. today I broke the rules and looked at his facebook through another person, and as it turns out, it seems they already had things in the works before our breakup, while he was still wearing a ring. that was a bad idea, to look. It doesn’t make me feel better seeing this. But it does make me more assured that staying broken up is the right thing and that no contact is the way to go. I don’t need to sacrifice my own progress and hurt myself this way. I have new found respect for no contact.
I’m so sorry… I pray you find peace without having him in your life and that you find all the confidence and happiness x1000 than you ever had with him. If he found someone new while with you, then that was not love. You deserve better.
I was in a long distance relationship for 19 years but in that time we probably spent more time together than most married couples. We travelled the world together. Then he met someone else in his own country and that was it. He wanted to remain friends. I tried that but it was too hurtful to hear about his new relationship. So, without saying anything I just stopped contacting him one day. It hurts like hell but it would hurt more to be talking when he treats me like his agony aunt. Hard to believe that all those years meant nothing to him. Only nine days into no contact and it seems to get worse each day.
Hey, it’s been more than a year now, how do you feel?
I am struggling at the moment. We broke up because he needed to work on himself and said he was taking me for granted. He just became lazy. After being the dumpee 3 months ago we tried staying friend, until I had enough of feeling like the relationship was one sided. I said I never want to see or speak to him again and its been 4 days. Im staying strong but Im in tears most days still. (2yr relationship).
Hi Jane.
I know it’s hard to start no contact, but try to keep at it. It’s going to get easier every day.
You’ve got this!
Zan
This is killing me. I literally want to die.
Great post Zan!
Staying in contact with an ex who doesnt want you back is really harder than no contact.
If you stay in contact with them you only will get increased anxiety and it lowers your selfesteem.
So guys stick with no contact! No contact is not magic formula to get your ex back, we need to get ourselves back!
Tom (broken up after 6+ years relationship)
Well, it´s really difficult. The brain is giving me BS reasons to reach out. But I need to be strong.
Hi Tom.
Staying in contact is indeed very difficult as it creates a ton of problems. Luckily, no contact is sort of a universal cure to avoid those problems and get your self-esteem back.
Thanks for the comment, Tom!
Best regards,
Zan
So married 21 years and my husband has now discarded me for the 2nd time. The 1st time was 17 years ago when our 1st daughter was roughly 1 yes old. He was having an affair with someone at work. We worked it out and he promised it would absolutely never happen again and we chalked it up to a very painful loss he had experienced. However, here we are again and this time it’s much more painful than the 1st time. I’m on Day 6 of no contact. We have 2 daughters which make no contact very difficult. It’s been almost 3 months since we sold our house and began living separately. I’ve tried to go no contact several times during this time only to get sucked back in throughout. He would give me sprinkles of hope only to go cold almost immediately after he received the attention he was seeking. It left me sad, angry and completely puzzled once again. The emotional roller coaster is just horrific. Some days I feel like I’m healing then I have terrible setbacks. My logical brain tells me this is what’s best due to the horrible things he has done to me. However, my emotional brain is very for lack of a better word “addicted to him”. I forgot to mention, I did catch him again having an affair last year, but I still tried to work it out. I tried to convince myself it was a mid-life crisis. He claims it was a one-time thing, but my heart in addition to all the red flags knows better. I’ve joined a divorce group at church to help with my denial that the marriage is over, joined a gym and have been trying a bunch of new cooking recipes. Good luck to all going through this. It is extremely painful, but my faith in God gives me hope that even though I don’t understand why this is happening, I have to trust. God Bless:)
Hi Audrey.
Your husband is a serial cheater and you shouldn’t trust him even if he comes back. Although people can change, it’s evident that he doesn’t respect you as much as he should. He likes to talk to other people and not tell you about it. This isn’t how a healthy relationship should work.
You’re right that this is for the best, Audrey. You deserve way more than this person can offer.
Kind regards,
Zan