No Contact Is Really, Really Hard!

No contact is hard

It goes without saying that no contact is hard—so very, very hard. Dumpees that find themselves heartbroken, depressed and more infatuated with their ex than ever before, start looking for answers to get their ex back.

Soon, they come across the no contact rule and begin to wonder how hard it can possibly be to stay away from their ex.

Some dumpees get blocked by their ex before they find this rule, and others find out very early on.

But no matter when you found out about this self-imposed restriction, you should always start following no contact as soon as possible.

It’s truly the one and only way for you to start feeling better and increase your chances with your ex.

Please note that throughout this article, we are only going to discuss the indefinite no-contact rule.

Any other rule is not a rule. 30, 45, 60 or any measurable number of days is not no contact.

Those “rules” should instead be called “hold on for x amount of days before you get hurt again.”

No contact is hard

How hard is no contact?

If you’re new to no contact and you’re wondering how hard no contact actually is, you’ve come to the right place.

First of all, welcome aboard on your personal journey of healing, self-discovery, self-respect, and perseverance.

No contact is incredibly difficult when you first start implementing this rule. It consists of three stages that vary depending on how fresh your breakup is.

The first stage is the hardest as it appears right at the beginning of the breakup or the time when the dumpee is forced to follow this rule.

The second stage takes place once the dumpee is past the initial powerful emotions of heartbreak. is able to function independently, and live his or her life much more carefree.

And the third and last stage of no contact occurs when the dumpee is finally thinking about himself or herself more than the dumper and focuses strongly inwardly.

Why is no contact so hard?

A friend of mine says, “No contact is like pushing a burning iron ingot into your skin over and over and over and over again.

He’s definitely right about that.

It’s unquestionably difficult to start no contact as the emotional temptations of talking to our ex can easily outweigh our rational thinking.

Doubt and uncertainty caused by conflicting information on the internet don’t make our iron will any stronger.

Friends and family are also guilty of this as the advice they give can often be counterproductive. That’s why it’s important to stick to no contact indefinitely from the day we start following this rule to the day we hear from our ex.

Possibly even after that.

No contact can be tricky at times because emotions can make our hearts vulnerable and our minds fragile. In times of depression, no contact can be especially hard.

Since we wish to have contact with our exes many, many times more when we’re feeling down, our self-control is greatly at risk.

Because we are struggling immensely, we could say our strength and perseverance are being tested on a daily basis.

This internal battle of emotions is difficult because we are essentially going against our natural inclinations. Staying completely silent is exactly the opposite of what we truly want.

We aren’t in no contact because we love it (not at first anyway). But rather because our negative emotions are so out of control, it’s the only way to control our behavior, emotions, thoughts, actions—and prevent our dumpers from slipping even further away.

The no contact period is no piece of cake.

It’s one of the hardest things to do on this planet. Although I’m no drug expert, I’m very certain that the beginning of no contact can be compared to drug withdrawal—with the only difference that aftereffects last much, much longer.

Perhaps people detoxing from drug abuse suffer more in the actual moment, but not so much or so long in the following days, weeks or months.

How much pain should I be experiencing in no contact?

The indefinite no contact period of silence is the hardest to stick to in the first 7 days. As far as anxiety levels goe, no contact is the most difficult at the beginning and gets easier with each passing day.

This makes perfect sense, right?

As days go by, you might start asking yourself, “Should I be feeling this way in no contact? X number of days have passed and I still feel terrible. Why is no contact so painful?

No contact is hard

Anyone that has been in no contact will tell you that it gets easier. How much easier it gets depends on your self-esteem, receptiveness to pain, confidence and positive outlook, positive affirmations, emotional support, dating options, how you distribute your free time, and the information you receive about your ex.

There are probably hundreds of factors related to your healing, but that’s not the point. The idea of no contact is to be selfish.

Doing what it takes to make yourself happy should be your #1 priority.

The lessons people learn in no contact stick with them throughout their whole life.

Not only do they learn to combat stress and anxiety better than ever before, but they also learn to love themselves first in a healthy manner.

Relationship skills, healthy habits, and personal development follow right after.

If you’re feeling a lot of pain, try to find the silver lining in this horrible ordeal.

Without realizing, most dumpees are presented with the golden opportunity to evolve and improve massively.

Anxiety and pain are the best incentives for personal growth as they allow dumpees to grow in just about any field they lack in.

Accomplishments and goals that would normally take people months or years to achieve, most dumpees accomplish in a twentieth of a time. Sometimes even sooner.

Some of the things people achieve in no contact are:

  • loss of weight and gain of muscle
  • improvements of bad behavioral patterns
  • quitting bad habits
  • resuming school, getting a promotion, finding a better partner, making more friends, becoming genuinely happy with themselves

In no contact, the impossible becomes possible.

When human beings are faced with adversities and they get over the hurdle, their old best become their new worst.

The things they couldn’t do before, they easily overcome after they’ve worked on themselves.

And that’s what no contact is all about.

No contact pain equals improvement

Pain in no contact is your friend. The more difficult it is, the more you will progress.

There is not one person in this world that didn’t learn through pain. Everybody goes through some sort of mental suffering or hard work to achieve anything positive in life.

In the book, Earl Nightingale’s Greatest Discovery, the author writes about succeeding and suffering.

He says; “There is no success without suffering. If you succeed without suffering, it is because someone has suffered for you. If you suffer without succeeding, it is so someone may succeed after you, but there is no success without suffering.”

Consider Earl Nightingale’s words of wisdom for a minute an use his brilliant realization to your encouragement.

As you already know, the old adage goes, “No pain, no gain.”

Only in your case, it’s massive pain which means massive gain.

Anxiety levels in no contact

If you’re in no contact or are tempted to give it a try, I would strongly encourage you to stick to it.

You probably already know that it won’t be easy to begin following this rule, but it’s definitely the best way to face your inner reconciliation demons.

No contact is hard but gets easier with each passing day.

I’ve asked around and conducted a quick research on how much anxiety you should or rather, could be experiencing in no contact.

Needless to point out, it differs for each individual. Some move on much quicker than others. Here’s an estimate of anxiety levels for the dumpees and the time it takes to get over the breakup.

no contact is hard

The percentages in this graph display the levels of anxiety dumpees experience. The months, on the other hand, show the time it takes to ease it.

As you may notice from the graph, anxiety is overwhelmingly high during the first month or two.

and after that, the difficulty of no contact slowly subsides in the following months up until the 8th month.

That’s presumably the time when dumpees are more or less over their breakup. We could also say that the percentages in this graph depict the amount of time we think about our exes.

And when we think about our exes, anxiety surges through our systems.

What makes NC even harder?

No contact is hard to do because of overwhelming anxiety. What makes this indefinite period even harder is:

  • conflicting no contact information
  • over-boosted feelings of nostalgia
  • reminders of your ex
  • keeping photos, songs and videos of your ex
  • refusing to follow all aspects of no contact
  • reading love quotes and poems
  • listening to sad breakup songs
  • receiving false hope
  • doubting no contact
  • refusing to move on
  • staying put in life

No contact is so hard because people don’t take it seriously and do nothing to work on themselves.

I know everybody isn’t crazy about bettering themselves and that’s okay. You should, however, go out of your house, stay active and explore the world.

No contact period doesn’t necessarily have to be just about improving yourself each and every day.

Doing something or anything you like keeps your mind off your ex and helps you feel better in the process.

There is no better medicine after the breakup than keeping busy. If you can’t do that right and just sit and cry, it will make no contact extremely difficult.

No contact VS contact

The only thing harder than no contact is contact.

You probably already know how difficult and painful it is to try to stay in contact with your ex and hope things would change for the better.

More often than not, dumpers will just string you along and use you to feel better about themselves. Their ruthless behavior—such as talking about their dates and the people they spend time with only hurts poor dumpees.

Hearing how great your ex is doing without you is not something you need in life.

So if you think staying in contact is easier than not staying in one, you are mistaken.

In my opinion, it’s best you protect your heart, self-esteem, health and anything internal you can protect—and cut your ex off.

Thinking you can crawl back into your ex’s life when he or she is bitter, angry and disinterested in you is mission impossible.

When you’re on your best behavior and you try your best for days and weeks and your ex is still bitter, it’s probably for the best that you distance yourself and do what’s best for you—and go no contact.

It won’t be easy to leave this person behind, but it will definitely be the best choice you’ve ever made. This is especially true when you’re the one doing all the contacting and chasing and your ex replies in a cold, disinterested way.

Staying in contact with your ex could:

  • get you blocked
  • reduce your value
  • push him/her away
  • show you have low self-esteem and low confidence
  • make you act on impulse
  • mark you as the crazy ex
  • slow down your healing

Some dumpees believe they must showcase change to their ex by staying in contact. They think they need to sacrifice their own happiness for their exes.

But quite frankly, this kind of thinking is wrong on every level.

Nobody has the right to take happiness away from you and neither does your ex—no matter how much you’ve hurt him or her.

No contact is hard—but it’s the best thing you can do when your ex isn’t moving an inch.

Being kind and caring annoys your ex while being angry solidifies his or her decision for breaking up with you.

Getting even with your ex by getting on his/her level of bitterness causes arguments while begging for another chance pushes your ex further away.

There usually isn’t a way to directly get back into someone’s heart—especially if this person is young and immature and portrays extremely negative/toxic traits.

No contact is difficult

It will be difficult not to have your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend in your life, but it’s definitely better than seeing him or her unhappy happy.

Not only does listening to your ex talk about his or her happiness ruin yours but it also prevents you from improving as a person.

As you may know, real growth happens behind the curtains. This means that as long as you experience inconsistent ups and downs, you can never focus fully on yourself.

And as long as you focus on your ex, you can’t improve as successfully as you otherwise could.

You can only grow as a person when you focus entirely on yourself and your shortcomings.

Honestly, there are no benefits to staying friends with your ex. Not a single one.

You may feel as if you’ve lost your best friend or someone important to you, but that doesn’t mean you should settle for less than what you’re prepared to bargain for.

Accepting this bad offer is a very desperate move. It feels like you’re being offered a piece of chocolate for the new iPhone.

That said, it’s an unfair trade to you because you know you’re worth more than what your ex is willing to give you.

Just because you aren’t close friends with your ex and you don’t feel connected to him or her anymore doesn’t mean you can’t be friends in the future.

You definitely can—and many people are good friends.

However, before you offer or accept your ex’s friendship, please get over the breakup first.

The best thing to do is to politely accept your ex’s friendship and go straight to no contact—as difficult as it seems.

If you pretend you’re besties with your ex, it could backfire at you, causing you more pain and sorrow.

Your ex will probably leave you alone for a while right after the breakup—which is what you need anyway.

No contact isn’t working for me!

No contact always works when you believe it does. This doesn’t only apply to your ex, but to you as well.

If you do this for yourself with the intention to move on, I can almost guarantee positive results.

Let’s take a look at what no contact recovery looks like in the chart below.

no contact is hard

If we examine the happiness levels on the left and compare them to the days, we will notice how our happiness levels in no contact increase over time.

As we can see from the chart, our healing in NC is on an upward curve. Although we don’t often notice improvements, every day we feel a tiny bit better.

You may have noticed the big declines on the graph. Those are the setback days.

They are the worst thing dumpees have to battle when they remain in no contact.

Birthdays, anniversaries, common places, reminders and dreams are common triggers for setbacks. Sometimes, they also appear out of nowhere and dumpees have no choice but to face them.

The interesting thing about setback days is that every time a setback occurs, the broken-hearted dumpee’s lowest point increases a little bit. The lowest low becomes slightly better after each downfall and becomes almost parallel with his or her recovery (the highest high).

If you’re in no contact and find it difficult to cope because of setback days, keep in mind that you will feel better every time.

You may have days when you feel absolutely hopeless and devastated.

So when you find yourself in such situations, know that the time you stay devastated will decrease each and every time you suffer.

Just how your ex will get tired of his or her new life, you will become immune or more resistant to pain.

Consider this a blessing in disguise.

No contact is for you

By no means is pain good for you health-wise. It’s by far the worst experience you can put your body through.

Prolonged anxiety in no contact can be difficult to deal with. Depending on your stress-management techniques and abilities to battle pain, no contact can either be the most difficult thing you’ll ever do in life or just difficult.

Here’s how difficult dumpees say no contact is.

As you can see from the chart above, the majority of the dumpees interviewed 48 out of 63 (76.19%) find no contact extremely difficult by rating it 8-10.

The other 23.81% of dumpees gave no contact a difficulty rating between 3-7. A nd not a single dumpee gave it a 1 or 2.

Everyone deals with stress differently. Depending on the type of breakup you had, your attachment style and how you view yourself, it can take you a while before you start feeling better.

Don’t let that discourage you though. Everything in this world always takes time to improve and complete. And no contact is definitely not an exception.

If you can’t stop feeling better and you find no contact extremely hard and painful, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.

No contact is about you, after all. So the sooner you get help, the faster you will recover.

Every day creates new challenges

Many dumpees wake up with overwhelming anxiety and check their phones and emails for messages of their ex. Afterward, they spend the next few minutes or hours easing their anxiety by focusing on their pain.

It’s very easy to allow anxiety and depression to get to you, so try not to succumb to its temptations.

If you are the happiest when you sleep and you wake up with overwhelming anxiety, please remember to do your best to distract yourself.

No contact is incredibly difficult, but it’s the only way to start feeling better.

Think of each passing day as a way to detox and detach from your ex.

NC takes time and effort

No contact is so hard to do because we repeatedly feel down, day after day, week after week.

Even though we always win against our worries, stress always comes at a price.

It affects our health, mood, energy, and motivation. No contact can feel as if someone is piercing or arm with a spear and is waiting for it to heal just to stab it again.

Emotional pain is not fun at all. Many people would prefer physical pain to emotional in a heartbeat.

Unfortunately, they don’t get to choose, so they must work with what they’ve got.

If you are struggling in no contact and wish the pain would end already, remind yourself why you started no contact in the first place.

Do what you can to get your mind off your ex by distracting yourself and keeping busy. No contact is difficult, but you can make it a bit less painful if you really, really try.

But for you to do that, you must sometimes force yourself to get out of the house and engage in both physical and mental activities.

Are you in no contact? If you are, how are you coping? Do you find no contact hard? What month are you in? Comment below.

51 thoughts on “No Contact Is Really, Really Hard!”

  1. I am in a bit of a different situation. My boyfriend and I have been together in a LDR (I’m in NYC & he’s in Miami) for over a year, seeing each other every two weeks. I go there about 2/3 of the time and he comes here 1/3 of the time. Then, we FaceTime each day and most nights for dinner together. We’ve met each other’s families and his 18 & 20 year old daughters and I are also close. We love each other very much and have had a great relationship for the most part. Although it does tend to swing in his favor and revolve more around his friends and family and wants than mine.

    He goes to his home country of Turkey every summer for 3 months and being a 10 hour flight away with a 7 hour time difference for 1/4 of the year is too much time apart for me and very difficult to communicate for more than a few minutes each day, if that.

    We planned that I would go there for 2 weeks in July/August, but he refuses to come back for a week or two at some point in between, and while I am a very independent woman, I feel abandoned.

    His response to me expressing my feelings, was telling me I could come there for the entire summer or as much as I want (3 or 4 times). However, I have a demanding job, two dogs and friends/family here as well and he knows I can’t possibly come there all summer. Also, expecting me to fly 10 hours each way 3-4 times over the summer is unreasonable. Then, he suggested meeting in a less distant location in Europe for a few long weekends (still 6-7 hours each way for me). He can work from anywhere, but I sell real estate and while I have a team to back me up, I physically have to be at work.

    We got into an argument and his words to me in his were “I’m never going to change for you. I’ve been doing this every summer for 35 years and I won’t be a puppy dog sitting by your side”. I don’t want him to be a puppy dog. I don’t expect anyone to fundamentally change. I appreciate his independence as well as my own, but I feel like I am the only one expected to compromise here and am expected to come to him more when I have more physical responsibilities at home than he has. I also want to eventually move to Miami (which has been the plan since before we met) and move in together once my business is in a place where I can just come back to NYC for bigger deals or one week per month. I told him this and he seemed happy, but didn’t tell me he wanted me to move in.

    So, I began questioning everything – my importance to him, if we will ever go to the next level, etc. and I started feeling resentful that I am to be alone during my favorite season of the year with no compromise from his end. I am not angry that he’s away in a place he loves with people he loves and I do not want to strip him of that, but 1/4 of a year apart with the time difference to boot is too hard for me.

    I told him I need time without communication to figure out if this relationship is going to work for me.

    I said “ I love you, and I always will. At the same time, I love and respect myself and need to prioritize what makes me happy in life. If you cannot make compromises or value what makes me happy the same way I value you and what makes you happy, then you are forcing me to move on. As of right now, I do not have plans to come to Turkey this summer. I’ll miss you.”

    I told him not to call and I would reach out when I’m ready and don’t know when that will be – it could be a few days or it could be longer. We agreed not to see other people until I gain clarity.

    We have been in NC now for a week and it’s excruciating. My anxiety is through the roof and I question whether he will miss me, consider compromising, or if I am out of sight out of mind.

    I truly love him and miss him. I have never loved or had so much in common with someone. He is also my best friend. I’m 42 and he is (a very young) 56. I’ve never had this much fun with someone and I trust his loyalty despite the fact that he was a huge player for 7 years following his divorce before we met.

    But I’m stuck with this dilemma. Do I just accept that this will be my life with him or move on and find someone else? And will I ever find the kind of love we share again? I go back and forth every day, but I think I need more from him. Yesterday, I felt so low and was desperate to call him. Today, I feel more powerful and motivated, but am still aching.

    There is a lot online about NC when you’ve been dumped, but not much about situations like mine.

    When will I gain clarity? When will I have the answers? When should I reach out? Or should I reach out at all? I didn’t officially break up with him. So, never reaching out again seems cruel.

    Thanks for taking the time to read my story.

    1. Hi Kelly.

      You’re hoping the guy would change, but he won’t. He thinks of compromise as controlling behavior, so you only have two options. 1, accept him as he is and stay partially unhappy. Or 2, leave him so you can find someone who will listen to you and adjust. The longer you stay in no contact, the more clarity you’ll gain. You can reach out if you want to, but that’s not going to change anything.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  2. Really struggling with no contact so hope writing all this and getting it out there may be quite helpful. He has children and was worried his ex wife would turn them against him so I’ve always been kept “secret”. She does cause a lot of stress and use the children as weapons, a lot! Anyway around 7 months ago he ended us. Said he can never be public with me and we will never work, I was devastated. I done the no contact rule and it 100% worked. He came back and suddenly we started properly dating, met each other’s families, had so much fun together. He even told his kids about me. Didn’t tell ex but said because he doesn’t care, it’s none of her business. If she finds out fine but he’s not going to just tell her. Then a few weeks ago out of absolutely nowhere I was dumped again by text. No explanation, just that he’s unhappy. I stupidly begged and pleaded. I called, I messaged, I even showed up at his house! We have slept together twice since even though he tells me prior it does not mean we are back together. I last saw him on Saturday night. When he left in sunday morning I cried and asked him to please change his mind. Nope! I then sent a big message saying how none of this makes sense and he can’t just stop loving me out of nowhere over night. I’ve told him we both take some space and he’ll see life without me isn’t going to be happier. That’s the last contact. We work together but I can avoid him there to an extent and just speak professionally is absolutely necessary. So day 1 of no contact I suppose and I’m an absolute mess. I think it’s the lack of understanding and the constant “why” that’s making this so hard. I’m convinced no contact won’t change things this time

    1. Hi Ally.

      Thanks for sharing your story with us. It looks like your ex has a lot of personal issues to resolve before he can be with any woman (not just you). He needs to end his relationship with his ex-wife and stop fearing her. It’s unfortunate that you got caught in the crossfire, but try to understand that this relationship wasn’t going to work out no matter what you did. You couldn’t progress with this person because he wasn’t ready and willing to grow with you. He was living in fear and will probably continue to do so for a while.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  3. Wont accepting the offer of a friendship by an ex and then going back into no contact say to your ex that us dumpers are settling for less than we deserve and therefore remove any value we may have left?
    I’m a little confused by this as the article said there is no benefit to being friends with your ex. I do understand but accepting that friendship tells them that we are prepared to settle for less than we want.

    1. Hi B.

      If you start acting like a friend, your ex could see your desperation and feel repulsed. But if you merely accept the offer and don’t do anything, you could avoid looking mean and keep healing.

      It’s always best to just politely say you need more time to yourself and that you’ll let your ex know when/if you’re ready to be friends.

      Best regards,
      Zan

  4. Thanks for sharing this helpful article. Much like many of you here, I too was discarded and replaced by a former coworker of ours who’s 30 and he’s 45. All of the things that he made excuses for he’s doing it with her. Such as taking trips, shopping, switching cars, and spending time together. The pain is absolutely unbearable for my 2 daughters and his two sons in addition to our families. No remorse or apology from him. He uses that he’s single and she’s just a friend. I’m on 7 day no contact and have become depleted and just want to get back to life from this. Some parts of me want to warn the new supply, but I am choosing to move on! I could use encouragement during this very arduous process. I don’t wish this hurt on my worst enemy!

    1. Hi Tara.

      I’m sorry to hear your ex has replaced you with someone new. On top of replacing you, he’s doing all the things he said he would do, so I can only imagine how that makes you feel.

      I know it’s hard, but try not to expect an apology from this person. He’s enjoying his time with her, so don’t check up on them. Deactivate social media and don’t ask about them. They don’t exist for you anymore.

      Stay strong, Tara!

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  5. I’m in day 7 of no contact. My ex gf and I broke up 2 months ago and she Started to date somebody right away and then decided she wanted to try to keep me as a “friend”. We did this dance for about a month. We had sex once, met a few times for coffee and spent the entire day together on another occasion only for her to go back to her boyfriend that very night as she explained she is still dating him. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life. I honestly thought she would have ended it. Being in contact with her as she’s dating somebody was absolute torture.
    I decided to block her everywhere.
    Although I don’t feel 100% better I certainly feel better than having those extreme highs and lows feeling the rejection and pain all over again being in contact with her.
    I pray I can get through this I’m still so raw

    1. Hi Keith.

      Staying friends with you gave you lots of hope and killed that hope when you found out she was still dating that guy. It’s best that you stay no contact and heal this time so you don’t get strung along anymore.

      If she changes his mind about you, you have to take complete control of the reconciliation and tell her what you expect from her.

      Hang in there, Keith!
      Zan

      1. Thanks Zan! Happy to say after the no contact it made her realize how much she loved me so she left the guy and we are back together. 2.5 weeks strong.
        Hang in there everyone if it’s meant to be they will return.

  6. I was in a relationship for 18 months where we texted daily and saw each other at work. He said for a long time that we weren’t going to be compatible in the long run and he eventually found someone else. I was heart-broken and cried for several days and many times since when I talk about it. Super tough to go no contact because we have the same employer, though we don’t directly work together. He said he always wants to be friends, that he loves me, cares for me and respects me. Those kind of suck me in and I contact him about my life and he’s always very nice but less engaging than before. He even flirts sometimes and discounts his relationship with his girlfriend. This has been so confusing, full of mixed messages for me, and truly heart-breaking. Even though I don’t really want him back, and I do know that we are not compatible on several levels, I have not been able to break away. I have tried being silent for days and he always reaches out and I respond. I’ve never gone more than 14 days, and he usually reaches out after about 3-4. I’m up to 10 now, have him blocked on my phone, but the work app is still there. I haven’t responded to 2 messages now. I am so worried about if/when the next one comes. I don’t know if he will be silent or ask me why I’m not responding. When I haven’t answered before he asked me if I was on his silent treatment list. I said he should be, but I wrote him back after that… ugh.

    1. Hi Rose.

      You need to take a guy seriously when he says you weren’t compatible/going to work out in the end. Such words indicate that he’s having doubts and that those doubts will increase because he’s not doing anything to stop them.

      I suggest you tell him you’re going through some personal changes and that you’d appreciate him if he doesn’t reach out anymore. That will help you heal tremendously, Rose.

      Kind regards,
      Zan

  7. Totally against my beliefs and better judgement, I had an affair with a long-time friend who was also married. The chemistry and compatibility was like nothing we have ever experienced. During these four years, he has moved out of the house and away from his wife three times. He just couldn’t cut her off 100%. I thinks he NEEDS her more than he wants her. I was recently out of town visiting my parents for two weeks when he sent me the most hateful text message I have ever received. It was cruel, disrespectful and cowardly!!! I did nothing to deserve it. It was his way of once again going back to his wife. I did not respond to his text and am currently on day 18 of no contact. It hurts like hell. This is a perfect example of bad karma!!!! I deserve this for the affair. I’m staying in no contact no matter how difficult it gets because I know the pain of ending it won’t be nearly as bad as the pain of not ending it. I hope God forgives me!

    1. Hi Kim.

      You didn’t get hit by karma, but you did see what can happen when you date a person who’s still committed to his marriage. Next time, wait for the person to get out of his relationship and detach from his ex before you jump into a relationship with him. That way, your chances of having a strong relationship will be much higher.

      Sincerely,
      Zan

  8. Geez no contact is difficult. My ex broke up with me and immediately went no contact on me which took me by surprise cos normally the dumpee does nc once I realised she was going no contact I already made a few reach outs she also went straight into therapy helping her recovery.. I on the other hand kept reaching out thinking I could smooth things over to no avail.. I then implemented nc myself been 33 days now and it’s getting easier day by day.. I have absolutely no idea anything about her and she has no clue on me . So not sure how it’s al going to end but I’m strong enough not to reach out ever again ..As coach Lee said It’s like the dumpe ases the exam and we just found out there was an exam..

  9. My ex wanted to be friends. I refused politely and walked away. I loved her a lot. Even she knew it that I really loved her. She was so confident that I would never be able to walk away from her. But I did. After a year of no contact she texted and apologised for the hurt she caused and after when I told her that I’ve forgiven her, she vanished again. That brought all the memories to the forefront again. I again felt hurt and anxiety came back. I wanted to talk to her but I controlled myself and never contacted again. It is tough. Very tough.

  10. Going on one month of no contact after 5 years of marriage. I feel horrible. I miss him even though he was having an emotional affair with a woman at his job, and now she’s planning on moving closer to him. It sucks because he swore nothing was going on with her, just for us to separate and the first person he told was her. Everyday he came home to me like everything was fine, while pursuing her at work. I’m broken and I just want to talk to my husband but he’s bragging and laughing about all the women he talks to now and how much he’s at peace without me. Even told me he wasn’t in love with me. After 5 years. I don’t even know why I want to talk to him.

  11. Unfortunately I broke about 4 weeks of no contact as I wanted to speak to him so badly. I think he wanted me but I couldn’t be sure. Now day 5 of no contact and it’s really hard as we live next door to each other and it’s lockdown, so we are both home most of the time and I’m struggling to take my mind off him. I actually can’t stop thinking about him and I’m constantly questioning whether I misread the situation and he actually wanted me back. But I have to move on as it won’t work. Luckily I am moving in 6 weeks! I’m going yo try ticking off the days of no contact on the calendar to feel a sense of achievement.

    1. I’m on day 3 of no contact and it’s the most gut wrenching pain I’ve ever felt. I hate this feeling so much. The break up is still so raw and I feel a massive amount of responsibility and guilt because I pushed my ex partner to end the relationship. My moods have became so bad over the last few months of lockdown and he can’t tolerate it any more. He was my best friend as well as my partner.It’s so hard to adapt when you seen someone 24/7 to having no contact at all. I really hope that time and space apart will make him realise I’m not a bad person Im just having some struggles because of lockdown.

      1. Keep going, if you want to message them, write it out and send it to yourself. If you want to email them…do the same thing. The beginning is aweful and the hardest. Remind yourself that any contact will only make your anxiety worse, not better.

  12. Thank-you for this piece, I’ve found it really helpful. Currently at the end of Day 2 No-contact and it is by far the deepest emotional turmoil I’ve ever felt. But, I know it’s the right thing to do. As you wrote, I would rather intense physical pain than this. Getting out 9f the house and doing things–anything–is the only relief at the moment.

  13. Corrie van Bruggen

    My best friend broke up with his relationship of fourteen years, during the first couple of months we hung out all the time. At some point we saw each other five times a week and we became more physical, started holding hands and spooning on the couch. We didn’t have sex because he was also dating, he started dating a girl three weeks after his breakup and now they’re serious. I broke up contact because despite the fact that he is now her boyfriend he kept touching me and I couldn’t help myself. So I rang him up, said our relationship was very inappropriate and I had been feeling crappy for weeks and that I needed space and no contact. Today, I finished my first week. In some senses my life is improving because I don’t have to deal with the emotional stress of doing something amoral, so I used that energy to anger clean my house. I guess what I want are sustainable goals that help me structure and build up my life in such a way that I start thinking about him less. Does anyone have small habits that I could implement in order manage that? – perfectly imperfect female

  14. I feel like the odd one out here because my ex in this situation is my ex-father. He was a terrible father, a drug abuser, an alcoholic, a racist, and a wife beater. The only thing he had going for him was his “charm.” My parents got divorced and I didn’t hear from him for years until he remarried. It was my new stepmother — not him — who asked my brothers and I to come visit. By that point, I was having problems with my mother and I was tired of the grudge I carried against him. I think he knew I wanted a loving relationship with at least one parent, and in this way I left myself open to manipulation. I thought he had changed and was trying to be a good person in this new marriage. He and Wife #3 seemed meant to be. But over time he became comfortable enough in her home to let loose and start drinking again. Their marriage ended this year when he threatened to hurt her and her daughter and hang himself. He went to prison from May until November, she divorced him and took out PFAs… and then he started writing letters to my mother, whom he hasn’t spoken to in years. He has no money and no place to go; in his letters he talks like we are all one loving family, and says he can’t wait to see us again. He desperately wants back in, but I have seen enough. He is sixty-five and still hasn’t gotten his life together. There was never a change of person. He brings pain and trauma into the lives of everyone he claims to love. I’m through with him, but my God is it difficult. Even after changing my number so I don’t have to hear his voice again, my mother tries to tell me about the things he writes to her, despite me telling her clearly and forcefully that he is no longer a figure in my life. I have lost some respect for my mother, because she has already been taken in by the “humor” and “charm” in his letters. What he did to her destroyed her trust and she has never even gone on a date since him. That was twenty-six years ago. If she allows her abuser back into her life and into her house, she will not hear from me anymore either. Part of me wants to write a letter to my father telling him to leave us alone, you had your chance, you have a lot of nerve writing at all, etc. But where will that get me? Onto a boatload of guilt for breaking my own no contact rule, and guilt for saying harsh things to a person who essentially has nothing and nobody anymore. That just proves to me that I still have a heart — but I’m not leaving it open to be broken by him anymore. I am done being the Fixer in this family; I cannot help those who will not help themselves. I know my happiness is the first priority now. I have chosen to help myself, and yet how difficult it really is. My mother, father, brothers — all of them are caught in their own downward spirals. I feel like I’m walking away from a train wreck and developing a survivor complex because of it. It is hard, but all things pass, and in my heart I do trust that the difficulties are worth something now, not later. The negative thoughts come often and they come unbidden, but thoughts come and go like clouds. It’s just anxious mind chatter. So let them come and let them go. I will remain, and I will be the happier for it — not someday, but starting today.

  15. I dumped him because I was angry at him I said I never want to see or speak to you again… I reached out and apologized a few days later said I was upset and didn’t mean it I begged for a week. We sat down and talked reconciled and four days later he sat me down and looked me to my face and dumped me. We were engaged, and had set a date for 8/10. Now, it’s been 2 weeks no contact and I’m dying inside. The 10th is in a few days and I feel like I’m in pieces. No contact is so hard but I accept that he made this decision for me, I didn’t give up on us but he did. I’ve been running and focusing on school, changed my Facebook profile picture and haven’t looked since. He deleted anything related to me from his Facebook, as though I never existed in his life, untagged himself from everything related to us and deleted anything he ever posted in regard to me and that I posted on his page. I’m 13 days in and 6 days from the date we planned to get married.

  16. so, I have been in no contact for almost a month. we both blocked each other on all social media and email. my ex ended our engagement abruptly and went no contact, but told me he met someone else. today I broke the rules and looked at his facebook through another person, and as it turns out, it seems they already had things in the works before our breakup, while he was still wearing a ring. that was a bad idea, to look. It doesn’t make me feel better seeing this. But it does make me more assured that staying broken up is the right thing and that no contact is the way to go. I don’t need to sacrifice my own progress and hurt myself this way. I have new found respect for no contact.

    1. I’m so sorry… I pray you find peace without having him in your life and that you find all the confidence and happiness x1000 than you ever had with him. If he found someone new while with you, then that was not love. You deserve better.

  17. I was in a long distance relationship for 19 years but in that time we probably spent more time together than most married couples. We travelled the world together. Then he met someone else in his own country and that was it. He wanted to remain friends. I tried that but it was too hurtful to hear about his new relationship. So, without saying anything I just stopped contacting him one day. It hurts like hell but it would hurt more to be talking when he treats me like his agony aunt. Hard to believe that all those years meant nothing to him. Only nine days into no contact and it seems to get worse each day.

  18. I am struggling at the moment. We broke up because he needed to work on himself and said he was taking me for granted. He just became lazy. After being the dumpee 3 months ago we tried staying friend, until I had enough of feeling like the relationship was one sided. I said I never want to see or speak to him again and its been 4 days. Im staying strong but Im in tears most days still. (2yr relationship).

    1. Hi Jane.

      I know it’s hard to start no contact, but try to keep at it. It’s going to get easier every day.

      You’ve got this!
      Zan

  19. Great post Zan!
    Staying in contact with an ex who doesnt want you back is really harder than no contact.
    If you stay in contact with them you only will get increased anxiety and it lowers your selfesteem.
    So guys stick with no contact! No contact is not magic formula to get your ex back, we need to get ourselves back!
    Tom (broken up after 6+ years relationship)

      1. Hi Tom.

        Staying in contact is indeed very difficult as it creates a ton of problems. Luckily, no contact is sort of a universal cure to avoid those problems and get your self-esteem back.

        Thanks for the comment, Tom!

        Best regards,
        Zan

        1. So married 21 years and my husband has now discarded me for the 2nd time. The 1st time was 17 years ago when our 1st daughter was roughly 1 yes old. He was having an affair with someone at work. We worked it out and he promised it would absolutely never happen again and we chalked it up to a very painful loss he had experienced. However, here we are again and this time it’s much more painful than the 1st time. I’m on Day 6 of no contact. We have 2 daughters which make no contact very difficult. It’s been almost 3 months since we sold our house and began living separately. I’ve tried to go no contact several times during this time only to get sucked back in throughout. He would give me sprinkles of hope only to go cold almost immediately after he received the attention he was seeking. It left me sad, angry and completely puzzled once again. The emotional roller coaster is just horrific. Some days I feel like I’m healing then I have terrible setbacks. My logical brain tells me this is what’s best due to the horrible things he has done to me. However, my emotional brain is very for lack of a better word “addicted to him”. I forgot to mention, I did catch him again having an affair last year, but I still tried to work it out. I tried to convince myself it was a mid-life crisis. He claims it was a one-time thing, but my heart in addition to all the red flags knows better. I’ve joined a divorce group at church to help with my denial that the marriage is over, joined a gym and have been trying a bunch of new cooking recipes. Good luck to all going through this. It is extremely painful, but my faith in God gives me hope that even though I don’t understand why this is happening, I have to trust. God Bless:)

          1. Hi Audrey.

            Your husband is a serial cheater and you shouldn’t trust him even if he comes back. Although people can change, it’s evident that he doesn’t respect you as much as he should. He likes to talk to other people and not tell you about it. This isn’t how a healthy relationship should work.

            You’re right that this is for the best, Audrey. You deserve way more than this person can offer.

            Kind regards,
            Zan

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