No Contact Is Really, Really Hard!

Updated on September 23, 2025

It goes without saying that no contact is hard—so very, very hard. Many dumpees struggle to start it and stay in it because they feel obsessed with their ex and want their ex to talk to them and take them back. Their ex’s attention and validation mean the world to them, so they continue to crave their ex before and during no contact.

Their cravings initially increase because they’re forced to go cold turkey with their ex. The first few days are the hardest, as they feel immense separation anxiety and question the effectiveness of no contact. Over time, though, they adapt and see the positives of no contact. Positives include taking charge of their life and moving on.

Unfortunately, many dumpees discover no contact late. They’re anxious, depressed, and in denial, so they refuse to give their ex the space he or she asked for. Instead of leaving their ex alone, they reach out to their ex and try to win their ex over with words and actions. They don’t realize they’re making themselves look desperate and unattractive—and that they’re making things worse.

Because they have no clue (or don’t care) they’re suffocating their ex, they keep trying to get their ex back until their ex ignores or blocks them, and forces them to start no contact. When that happens, it becomes much more challenging for no contact to affect their ex in ways dumpees want it to.

By the time they begin no contact, many dumpees have already damaged their image. They’ve begged, pleaded, or acted out of desperation, forcing their ex to need more time than usual.

If you’ve done something to stress or anger your ex, it’s extremely important not to break no contact. Breaking no contact could ruin the progress of no contact and reset your healing. It could also make your ex bitter, resentful, or vengeful.

Hence, it’s in your best interest not to give in to anxiety and pain. As difficult as it is to stay away from your ex, remember that it will be more difficult if you reach out and expect your ex to take you back. The moment your ex sees that you still yearn for love and affection, your ex will put his/her guard up and push you away out of self-protection.

Your ex won’t let you close because your words and/or actions will show that you need him or her much more than he or she needs you. Not only will it show that you lack self-love, but it will also prove that you’re still dependent on him or her for happiness and purpose.

So even though no contact is hard, apply yourself and push through the pain and uncertainty. Each time you resist acting on your pain and avoid breaking the rules of no contact, you grow a little stronger emotionally and detach a little more. Eventually, post-breakup silence will stop bothering you and triggering waves of nostalgia.

You just need to get through the storm. Resist the temptation to contact your ex long enough, and you’ll stop feeling the need to cling to your ex for happiness and stability.

Think of no contact as a test of strength and determination. The more determined you are, the bigger the chance that you’ll give your ex space to work through negative breakup thoughts and feelings—and leave a positive impression on your ex. No contact alone won’t bring your ex back, as it doesn’t have the power to manipulate your ex.

The purpose of no contact is to give your ex space and time to enjoy life and think things through. Some dumpers never reflect or reflect in ways they need to because they don’t experience big issues or have decent coping mechanisms. They continue to blame their ex for their problems and lack of feelings, and fail to realize things that could help them grow.

Dumpers engage in reflection and come back to work on the relationship only when they’re capable of admitting fault, forgiving their ex, letting go of the past, and appreciating their ex. Such dumpers are usually self-aware, responsible, and capable of growing continuously—or they develop those qualities when life challenges them.

In today’s post, we’ll discuss what makes no contact so hard and what you can do to make it easier.

How hard is no contact?

If you’re new to no contact and you’re wondering how hard no contact actually is, you’ve come to the right place. No contact isn’t equally hard for everyone. The ones who find it most difficult are usually those who struggle with self-love and accepting the breakup.

Such people often keep their ex’s gifts, replay old conversations, feel an intense urge to reach out, and sometimes even reach out. They find it irresistibly hard to keep their composure and stay physically and emotionally away from their ex.

This doesn’t mean that only people with low self-esteem struggle with no contact. Any dumpee who truly cares for their dumper will find it difficult to begin and stick with it. The dumpee is attached and heartbroken, so it’s natural for him or her to yearn for the dumper.

It’d be strange or unrealistic if the dumpee was instantly over the dumper and didn’t feel nostalgic or hurt.

Breakups take time to recover from. Whether you’re physically attractive and have romantic options or don’t feel too confident about yourself, you’re expected to think and obsess about your ex during no contact.

Obsession happens when you have feelings for your ex and want him or her to take your pain away. If you weren’t attached and in pain, you’d find no contact super easy. In fact, you wouldn’t do no contact to get back with your ex but to move on and find better romantic opportunities.

No contact consists of three stages. The length and intensity of these stages depend on how fresh the breakup is, how the dumpee handles the breakup, and how he or she copes with abandonment and unpredictable dumper behavior.

The first stage is the hardest as it occurs right at the beginning of the breakup or when the dumpee starts no contact.  The second stage takes place once the dumpee is past the initial emotions of heartbreak and is able to function independently and enjoy his or her life again.

And the third and last stage of no contact occurs when the dumpee is finally thinking about himself or herself more than the dumper and focuses strongly inwardly.

From my personal experience and my work as a coach, starting no contact isn’t as hard as staying consistent with it. Starting it requires a decision, whereas sticking with it demands ongoing discipline and emotional control.

A friend of mine says, “No contact is like pushing a burning iron ingot into your skin over and over and over and over again.“

He’s definitely right about that.

No contact is undeniably difficult, as the emotional pull to reach out to our ex often outweighs rational thinking. Doubt and uncertainty, fueled by conflicting advice online, do nothing to strengthen your resolve.

Friends and family are also guilty of this, as the advice they give can often be counterproductive. Oftentimes, they say things like, “Your ex will definitely regret it. Just give him/her time to calm down.” Some even advise reaching out and “Win their ex back.”

That’s why it’s important to stick to no contact indefinitely from the day you start following it until the day you hear from your ex. If you’re not happy with what your ex has to say, you have to do it even longer. You have to go back to no contact and let your ex come back with a plan to get back together.

No contact can be tricky at times because it can make you doubt it and tempt you to break the silence. Difficult emotions can make you do impulsive things that get you rejected and destroy your self-esteem.

If you plan on doing no contact, do your best to do it right the first time. Remember that no contact is your chance to improve your self-esteem and gain your ex’s respect. No contact doesn’t guarantee reconciliation, but it does maximize your chances of retaining your value and looking strong and confident in your ex’s eyes.

How much pain should I feel during no contact?

Indefinite no contact is the hardest during the first seven days. In terms of anxiety, it’s hardest at the start and gradually becomes easier with each passing day. The longer you stick to it, the less anxious you become and the less you miss your ex.

It’s hard to say how much pain you should feel during no contact. If the breakup just happened, you should feel a lot of it. Painful (setback) days should be frequent and uncomfortable.

Gradually (months into the breakup), they should decrease in frequency and intensity, making it easier for you to cope with the loss.

Anyone who went into no contact will tell you that it gets easier with time. How much easier it gets depends on your self-esteem, coping mechanisms, confidence, outlook on life, emotional support, dating options, what you do in your free time, and the information you receive about your ex.

There are probably hundreds of factors that affect your healing, but that’s not the point. The purpose of no contact is to be selfish—for your own recovery. You need to do what’s best for you and make self-care your top priority.

The lessons people learn in no contact stick with them throughout their whole life.

They not only learn to manage stress and anxiety more effectively, but also to love themselves in a healthy way. Relationship skills, healthy habits, and personal growth naturally follow.

If you’re feeling a lot of pain, try to find the silver lining in this horrible ordeal. Consider it your chance to grow, detach, and figure out what’s best for you. You may think it’s your ex, but that’s because you’re used to being with him or her. Once you recover emotionally, you’ll feel much better and stronger, and see your ex differently.

You might not even want your ex back.

Anyway, anxiety and pain are the best incentives for personal growth as they allow dumpees to grow in just about any field. Goals and accomplishments that might normally take months or years, many dumpees achieve in a fraction of the time.

Some of the things people achieve during no contact include:

• Losing weight and gaining muscle
• Improving harmful behavioral patterns
• Quitting bad habits
• Going back to school
• getting a promotion
• finding a better partner
• making more friends
• and becoming genuinely happy with themselves

In no contact, the impossible becomes possible.

When people face adversity, their old weaknesses turn into strengths. The things they once struggled with become much easier to overcome after they’ve done the necessary work.

And that’s what no contact is all about.

Pain in no contact is your friend. The more intense it is, the more you’ll learn and improve.

There isn’t a single person in this world who hasn’t learned through pain. Everyone experiences some form of mental struggle or hard work to achieve meaningful things in life. Without it, most people don’t change much.

In his book The Greatest Discovery, Earl Nightingale writes about the connection between success and suffering.

He says, “There is no success without suffering. If you succeed without suffering, it is because someone has suffered for you. If you suffer without succeeding, it is so someone may succeed after you, but there is no success without suffering.”

Take a moment to consider Earl Nightingale’s words of wisdom and let his insight inspire you. I know you’d rather not go through such a painful separation, but as the old saying goes, “No pain, no gain.” In your case, it’s massive pain—which means massive gain.

Anxiety levels in no contact

If you’re in no contact or are tempted to give it a try, I strongly encourage you not just to give it a try, but also to stick to it.

You probably already know it won’t be easy to stick to this rule when anxiety hits you hard, but it’s by far the best way to confront your inner reconciliation demons. It’s better to do no contact long-term than to talk to your ex and pretend everything’s fine.

I did a quick survey with fellow dumpees to see how much anxiety one should—or rather, could expect during no contact. After a while, I got my answer.

Here’s an estimate of anxiety levels for dumpees and the time it takes to get over the breakup.

The percentages in this graph display the levels of anxiety dumpees experience. The months, on the other hand, show the time it takes to ease it.

As you can see from the graph, anxiety is extremely high during the first month or two of no contact. After that, it gradually eases, and by the eighth month, it mostly or almost completely disappears.

That’s likely around the time when dumpees are more or less over the breakup. We can also infer that the percentages in this graph reflect how much time we spend thinking about our exes. And when we think about our exes, anxiety surges through our systems, forcing us to feel stuck.

What makes no contact even harder?

No contact is hard because of overwhelming separation anxiety, fears, and childhood traumas.

But what makes no contact even harder is:

• conflicting information about no contact
• feelings of nostalgia
• reminders of your ex
• keeping photos, songs, and videos of your ex
• refusing to follow all aspects of no contact
• reading love quotes and poems
• listening to sad breakup songs
• receiving false hope
• doubting no contact
• refusing to move on
• staying put in life
• tolerating breadcrumbs

No contact is so hard because people often don’t take it seriously. Some dumpers don’t do anything to learn new things and better themselves. Instead of working on themselves, they feel bad for themselves and merely wait for their ex to return.

This makes their relationship fail again if their ex decides to return.

I know not all dumpees are crazy obsessed with bettering themselves, and that’s okay. Some don’t have crazy amounts of work to do. You should, however, go out of your house, stay active, and try to learn a thing or two about relationships.

The no contact period doesn’t have to be solely about self-improvement every single day. Spending time on things you enjoy keeps your mind off your ex and helps you feel better along the way.

There’s no better remedy after a breakup than keeping yourself busy. If you can’t do that and just sit and cry, no contact will become much harder to maintain. You’ll feel sorry for yourself and keep checking your phone for calls and texts from your ex.

No contact VS contact

The only thing harder than no contact is (frequent) contact. Talking to your ex opens your wounds, gives you hope, and delays your recovery. If you learn things you’re not supposed to learn, you also risk falling into depression and experiencing suicidal thoughts.

You probably already know how difficult and painful it is to try to be friends with your ex and hope that things change for the better. Some dumpers string their ex along and use him or her to assuage their guilt. Their behavior confuses their ex and makes their ex more anxious and scared of letting go.

Hearing how well your ex is doing without you is not something you need in your life. You’re better off not knowing what your ex is thinking, feeling, and doing. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to breakups.

So if you doubt no contact and think that staying in contact is easier than not staying in it, sadly, you’re mistaken. You’ll feel much better if you cut your ex off and protect your heart, self-esteem, happiness, and health.

Crawling back into your ex’s life when he or she is bitter, angry, and disinterested in you is mission impossible. When you’ve been on your best behavior for days or weeks and your ex is still bitter, it’s likely for the best to step back, focus on yourself, and go no contact.

Leaving your ex behind won’t be easy, but it will probably be the best decision you’ve ever made, especially if you’re still hurt and the one doing all the chasing.

Remind yourself that staying in contact with your ex could:

• get you blocked
• reduce your value
• push your ex away
• show you have low self-esteem and low confidence
• make you act on impulse
• brand you as a crazy ex
• slow down your healing

Some dumpees believe they must showcase change to their ex by staying in contact. They think they need to sacrifice their own happiness for a chance to get back together. Unfortunately, this mindset is wrong on every level.

Nobody has the right to take happiness away from you, and neither does your ex—no matter how much you’ve hurt him or her. No contact is hard—but it’s the best thing you can do when your ex isn’t open to reconciliation and ready to get back together.

If you’re too kind and caring, you’ll just annoy your ex and solidify his or her decision to break up with you. You’ll cause more harm than good and prevent your ex from seeing your worth later down the line.

There’s usually no direct way back into someone’s heart—especially if that person is young, immature, and showing extremely negative or toxic traits. The only thing you can do is trust the no contact process and ensure your own happiness.

It will be difficult not to have your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend in your life, but it’s definitely better than seeing him or her happy without you. Not only does listening to your ex talk about his or her happiness ruin your happiness, but it also prevents you from detaching and growing as a person.

You can only grow as a person when you focus entirely on yourself and your shortcomings. Honestly, there are no benefits to staying friends with your ex. Not a single one. You may feel as if you’ve lost your best friend or someone important to you, but that doesn’t mean you should settle for less than what you’re prepared to bargain for.

Accepting a friendship offer is a desperate move. It’s like being offered a piece of chocolate in exchange for a brand-new iPhone.

You can accept your ex’s friendship offer if you don’t want to be rude. Just don’t act as a friend, as it will cause you tons of problems and pain. Every time your ex reaches out to talk about unimportant things, you’ll feel slightly validated, but not enough to feel satisfied.

This will go on until you decide you’ve had enough and cut your ex off once and for all.

No contact isn’t working for me!

No contact always works when you believe it does. This doesn’t only apply to your ex, but to you as well. If you do it for yourself with the intention to move on, I can almost guarantee positive results. That’s because you’ll get over your ex and find your zest for life.

Let’s take a look at what no contact recovery looks like in the chart below.

If you look at the happiness levels on the left and compare them to the days on the bottom, you’ll see that happiness during no contact steadily increases over time.

Healing in NC follows an upward curve. Even if the progress isn’t obvious, each day feels a little bit better. The sharp drops on the graph represent setback days.
They’re the toughest challenge dumpees face during no contact.

Birthdays, anniversaries, common places, reminders, and dreams are common triggers for these setbacks. Sometimes, they also appear out of nowhere, leaving dumpees with no choice but to deal with them.

The interesting thing about setback days is that with each one, the dumpee’s lowest point rises slightly. Every low becomes a bit less painful than the last and gradually aligns more closely with the highs of recovery.

If you’re in no contact and find it difficult to cope because of setback days, keep in mind that you’re already starting to feel better every day.

Some days you may feel completely hopeless and devastated, but you’ll also notice more and more positive days emerging. That’s proof that you’re on the right path and that complete recovery is only a matter of time.

No contact applies to most dumpees, including you

By no means is pain good for your health. It’s by far the worst experience you can put your body and mind through.

Anxiety in no contact can be difficult to deal with. Depending on your stress-management techniques and abilities to battle pain, no contact can either be the most difficult experience you’ll ever go through or just extremely difficult.

Here’s how difficult dumpees say no contact is.

As shown in the chart above, most dumpees – 48 out of 63 (76.19%) rated no contact as extremely difficult, giving it a score of 8–10. The other 23.81% of dumpees gave no contact a difficulty rating between 3 and 7. And not a single dumpee gave it a 1 or 2.

Everyone copes with stress differently. Depending on the type of breakup, your attachment style, and your self-perception, it may take some time before you start to feel better.

Don’t let that discourage you. Everything takes time to improve, and no contact is no exception. If you can’t stop feeling better and you find no contact extremely hard and painful, don’t hesitate to seek professional help.

Talk to someone who listens and cares about your well-being. No contact is about you. Do what eases your pain and obsession with your ex. You’ll heal quicker if you get busy with life and let the rules of no contact guide you.

If you don’t know what to do to make no contact less difficult, I suggest you start journaling your thoughts and feelings. Put down how you feel and why you feel that way. It will help you vent and have a therapeutic effect.

Make sure to also socialize. Surround yourself with empathetic people who understand what you’re going through and want to help. They’ll keep you distracted and answer some of the questions you’ve been wanting your ex to answer.

And lastly, keep your body physically active. Sign up for a gym, go hiking, or start working out at home. Exercising releases happy hormones and makes no contact much easier to deal with. If you’re happy and in control, you’ll feel less tempted to break the no contact rule and destroy your emotional progress.

Are you in no contact? If you are, how are you coping? Do you find no contact hard? What month are you in? Comment below and let us know.

However, if you’re looking for help staying in no contact, feel free to reach out to us directly. Do so by subscribing to breakup coaching.

Zan

My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.