If your ex left you and seems fine after the breakup, it’s not very unusual. Dumpers typically don’t feel sad, anxious, and depressed because they spent days or weeks prior to the breakup dreaming about ending the relationship and enjoying their life to the fullest. Because they can’t leave (due to doubts, fears, or (moral) obligations), they stay committed to their ex and become more frustrated and suffocated.
They essentially delay the breakup for so long that they stop caring completely. That explains why they often appear so uncaring, angry, and mean.
You see, dumpers seem fine after a breakup because they are fine. They’re better than fine because they feel empowered by the breakup and the freedom it created. They want nothing more than to keep their distance and do things that give them purpose and happiness.
Unlike dumpees, they don’t have to fake their happiness. Happiness comes naturally to them. The only time it doesn’t is when they feel depressed, guilty, or scared for their safety and future. That’s when they feel and look somewhat like dumpees.
So bear in mind that it’s perfectly normal for the dumper to seem fine after the breakup. The breakup simply doesn’t affect the dumper very much. It can’t affect the dumper because it happens on the dumper’s terms and gives the dumper what he or she wants. In case you don’t know, the dumper wants to regain his or her identity and feel in complete control of his or her post-breakup life.
The easiest way for the dumper to do that is to get space from you and create a life independent of you. The more the dumper focuses on himself or herself, the better the dumper feels and the more uncaring he or she seems.
Don’t expect the dumper to struggle with self-esteem, stay at home all the time, and do unproductive things. Your ex would have to feel forced to leave and go through the withdrawal stages of a breakup. That means your ex would have to see the value you bring to the table and regret losing you in some way.
Sadly, most dumpers don’t regret anything. They’re happy with their decision and go through the dumper stages where they continue to blame their ex for their problems, unhappiness, and lack of feelings. By shifting the blame away from themselves, they justify their behavior and reduce the risk of finding themselves in situations they lack the ability or willpower to handle.
So don’t take your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend’s behavior to heart. Your ex may seem fine or better than ever, but it’s got nothing to do with you as a person. Your ex is the dumper and is expected to be okay. It’d be unusual for him or her to feel miserable after deciding to let go of a huge emotional burden. It’d make your ex look indecisive and confused.
Think of the breakup as an opportunity for your ex to start a new chapter of his or her life. This chapter is free of moral obligations, commitments, and demands to spend energy and time on someone he or she doesn’t want to be with. There’s simply no reason for your ex to feel down. Your ex enjoys having the freedom to decide what’s best for him or her even if it’s not necessarily in your ex’s best interest.
Your ex likes being in charge of his or her decisions and doesn’t want to let go of the newfound power and control. Letting go of control could make your ex dependent on you and make it hard for your ex to plan a future without you.
Always remember that your ex chose this life. He or she weighed the pros and cons and left when leaving made more sense than staying. By leaving, your ex was able to establish new plans and work toward goals that had nothing to do with you.
Therefore, your dumper ex seems fine after the breakup because he or she sees the breakup as an opportunity to realize his or her goals. It sucks, but your ex sees more value in going solo than being with you. This is because your ex convinced him/herself that life would improve tremendously after breaking up with you.
Your ex now believes that the relationship restrained him or her and took his or her power away.
As long as your ex believes that, your ex will continue to display happiness and relief. Your ex won’t show signs of regret, sadness, anxiety, or any of the emotions you might hope to see. It’s best that you accept your ex’s post-breakup empowerment and avoid trying to change it. Remember that it’s a part of your ex’s moving-on process and that your ex won’t like it if you accuse him or her of not caring.
Not liking your behavior is an understatement. Your ex will detest it and feel tempted to punish you. What your ex does, of course, depends on what you say and do as well as your ex’s personality and impulse control. But if you’re not prepared for any painful and unpleasant knee-jerk reactions from your ex, you may want to refrain from acting on your post-breakup emotions.
Remind yourself that it’s natural for your ex to feel fine after the breakup and that he or she has the right to be happy even if it hurts you.
What if your ex is a dumpee?
If your dumpee ex seems fine after the breakup, it could mean that your ex had been secretly wanting to break up and that he or she had partially or fully detached before the breakup. Either that or your ex doesn’t want to show pain and is good at hiding his or her emotions. Dumpees tend to be scared of revealing how they feel to avoid looking needy and pushing their ex away.
They want to project a strong image and reattract their ex with confidence and perseverance. Their approach is correct as strength, self-love, and independence are highly attractive traits. They allow dumpers to respect and value their ex for choosing to move on.
Today’s topic is, “My ex seems fine after our breakup.” We’ll discuss why your ex appears unaffected and why you shouldn’t let it bother you.
Why does my ex seem fine after our breakup?
The reason your ex seems fine after the breakup is that your ex finally got what he or she wanted. Your ex got the breakup and an increased sense of relief and freedom. No longer does your ex have to spend time with you, worry about your problems, emotions, and feelings, and invest in you.
Your ex can just focus on him/herself and those who make your ex feel good. That’s enough for your ex to be happy and appear unaffected.
You must remember that your ex planned to break up for some time. Exactly how long that was, I can’t say, but the longer he or she wanted to be single or with someone else, the stronger the emotions the breakup created. That’s why when your ex finally mustered the courage to deliver the bad news, your ex was determined it was the right thing to do and that he or she waited too long.
Had your ex initiated the breakup sooner, he or she would have felt better sooner.
The empowering emotions created by the breakup essentially tell your ex that the breakup needed to happen and that he or she is finally happy. They also prevent your ex from becoming nostalgic, guilty, and regretful.
Your ex could still feel these emotions (especially weeks or months later), but he or she may not feel them to such an extent that he or she regrets leaving. A little bit of guilt or nostalgia is not enough to deter dumpees from moving on and being happy. What deters them from moving is lots of difficulties and pain. The more complex and emotionally draining their life becomes, the greater the chance they’ll reflect on their decisions and consider returning to their ex.
If the breakup just happened and they seem fine or even great, it’s because they feel relieved and elated. They’ll probably feel that way for a few months. Once they’ve naturally processed these emotions, they might encounter serious problems and feel the need to get close to their ex again.
Every dumper processes breakup emotions and problems differently, but you probably shouldn’t expect the dumper to come back within a few months. When dumpers come back quickly, they usually don’t intend to break up for good or encounter some kind of major setback. Oftentimes, they get involved with someone who can’t give them what they’re looking for and discover their ex’s value through hardship and disappointment.
If you want to know why your ex seems fine after the breakup while you’re struggling with the breakup, the first thing you must understand is that your ex isn’t a dumpee. Your ex is a dumper who has different breakup emotions to process. Your ex must process built-up frustrations and negative perceptions of you whereas you must process anxiety, depression, and hope.
This means you have conflicting feelings, needs, and priorities. As long as you think, feel, and crave different things from each other, you can’t benefit from each other. You can only make each other feel unheard, stressed, and angry.
Moreover, if your ex left because of depression or was instructed (forced) to leave you by his or her family, your ex may be faking his or her happiness to appear stronger and more determined. Your ex may be hurting inside and not want you to beg and plead for another chance. Pleading hurts your ex and makes your ex want to avoid seeing you hurt.
That said, here are 5 reasons why your ex seems fine after the breakup.
Don’t try to change how your ex feels and acts
You may badly crave a reaction from your ex, but try to remember that your ex is hurting in dumper ways. He or she is constantly remembering and reliving the recent past. This includes reasons for deciding to leave the relationship and emotions of guilt, doubt, anger, and pain. If you reach out to your ex and try to make your ex ignore difficult feelings, you won’t only make your ex relive the past but also disrespect your ex.
You’ll show your ex you don’t care about his or her decisions and feelings and that you only care about your needs.
Despite feeling hurt and craving validation, it’s super important to respect your ex’s feelings and boundaries. Remember that your ex broke up with you because he or she didn’t feel as close to you as he or she wanted to and that the relationship smothered your ex. It made your ex prefer being single to putting energy, time, and money into someone who didn’t fulfill his or her relationship expectations.
Don’t blame yourself. Maybe you could have tried harder and done better, but the past is in the past. You must accept it and allow your ex to feel and act as he or she chooses. I’m not saying you should befriend your ex and tolerate breadcrumbs, but you should let your ex jump up and down in joy if he or she wants to.
Your ex’s happiness shouldn’t make you do impulsive things and worsen your image.
It’s hard to see the person you love happy without you. It’s even harder to see him or her happy with someone else. But that’s why you must commit to a regimen of no contact and let go of your attachment to your ex. Regain your emotional independence instead of trying to make your ex love you, depend on you, and act how you want him or her to act.
The breakup requires you to accept the end of the relationship and let go of control. The sooner you let go of control, the sooner you’ll regain your optimism and get your happy self back.
So don’t tell your ex you’re disappointed or hurt by how unaffected he or she is by the breakup. You may want to wallow in misery together with your ex, but that’s unproductive and unrealistic. Most breakups have a dumper and a dumpee. That means someone feels rejected and hurt while the other feels relieved and/or unaffected by the breakup.
It takes a while for the dumpee to recover, but when he or she does, he or she goes through a short period of empowerment. The dumpee knows his or her worth and enjoys life again. The dumper, on the other hand, processes relief and becomes susceptible to failure pain. That’s how the dumpee and the dumper switch roles and redistribute power.
In conclusion, your ex’s happiness or the lack thereof shouldn’t concern you. Your goal should be to avoid thinking that your ex is much happier now that you’re gone. If you can avoid it, you’ll focus on people and things that actually matter and better your life.
I hope you now understand why your ex appears fine after the breakup. Share your thoughts on this topic in the comments below and we’ll get back to you shortly.
Lastly, if you need help understanding your ex and navigating the breakup, reach out to us. We offer coaching services to help you get your life back on track.
My name is Zan and I’m the founder of Magnet of Success. I enjoy writing realistic relationship and breakup articles and helping readers heal and grow. With more than 5 years of experience in the self-improvement, relationship, and breakup sphere, my goal is to provide advice that fosters positivity and success and avoids preventable mistakes and pain. Buy me a coffee, learn more about me, or get in touch today.
